From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Mon Sep 5 11:10:42 2011 Received: from newman.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by newman.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.8/8.13.8/IUCS_2.93) with ESMTP id p85FAfBT021367; Mon, 5 Sep 2011 11:10:42 -0400 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by newman.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.8/8.13.8/Submit) id p85FAfHI021364; Mon, 5 Sep 2011 11:10:41 -0400 Date: Mon, 5 Sep 2011 11:10:41 -0400 From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <201109051510.p85FAfHI021364@newman.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1488 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1488 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1488 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 05 Sep 2011 11:10:30 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line, or go to http://www.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/ or http://www.internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1488 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1483 19 votes 05383 11656 75241 13645 67420 13555 04843 38521 25732 07453 1483 3.1 mean 3.5 3.7 2.3 3.5 2.1 3.5 3.3 2.5 2.9 3.2 --- 1488-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What a dreadful situation! I was trying to get some legislation in > place to protect workers in a certain part of our city, and owing to a > typographical error so egregious that it just might be deliberate, the > legislation protects wonkers instead of workers. > > It's just a tiny bit of ink, that line which if extended downwards from > the lower-case R makes it a lower-case N, but so crucial! > > 1400 copies of that new law are already printed, showing "J. R. > Supplicant" as original sponsor. I need something instant and magical > that will change wonkers into workers everywhere. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'm sonny, but the ennon is innevensible. } } You owe the Onacle a bottle of connection fluid. --- 1488-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I had $24 in my pocket, or so I thought. But just to make sure I > counted it, and found $27. With this stroke of luck I decided to check > my pockets and count more carefully. My $24 was now $37. > > In the spirit of increasing the general wealth of the nation, I would > like to offer this method to everyone. I'm planning on writing a book > about it. What price do you think I should charge for the book? First I > thought that $2.40 would be good, but I realized that my method might > be applied to the book's price, and changed it to $2.70. > > Now I'm of a mind that $3.70 would be an even better price. If I go > through my pockets and count my cash again and find that I have $53, > them I could charge $5.30 a copy for the book, and I would soon become > rich. > > My dad says my plan isn't worth half a plate of butterbeans. > > Am I going be rich, or will I have nothing but a few butterbeans and > $37? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This method has indeed been used for the entire US economy. } } Unfortunately, when it was counted again, the Gross Domestic Product of } $14.7 trillion turned out to be only a little more than $14.5 } trillion. Further recounts adjusted this to $9.3 trillion, then $2.9 } trillion, then $430 billion, and so on and so on, until it was at $24. } Not trillions or billions, just dollars. } } A further recount brought the nation's GDP back up to $27, and then to } $37, but it will be a long slog back up to the lofty peak of last year. } } So if you do manage to sell a few books, please inform the } Congressional} Budget Office, as they will need to be aware of this } windfall to the national economy. On the bright side, the tax rate } you'll pay on such a high-end income is smaller than it was several } years ago. } } You owe the Oracle a dime, if you can spare it, brother. --- 1488-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is it true that the Oracle can make a peanut butter sandwich without > peanut butter, jelly, bread, or even hands? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } With flour, juice, whole peanuts, etc., sure. } } STANDARD METHOD: } 1) Combine 1 cup shelled roasted peanuts, 1/4 tsp salt, 1 tbsp sugar, } 1 tsp radium, and 1 tbsp canola oil in a food processor. Blend two } minutes until very smooth. } 2) Combine 1/4 cup water, 1 1/2 cup grape juice concentrate, 1 package } unflavored gelatin, and 1 tsp radium. Bring to full boil over } medium heat, stirring constantly. Cool in refrigerator. } 3) Combine 2 cups warm water, 2/3 cup sugar, 1 1/2 tbsp yeast, 1 tsp } salt, 1/4 cup vegetable oil, 1 tsp radium, and 6 cups flour. Knead } dough on a lightly floured surface. Let rise 1 hour. Bake in a } pan at 350 degrees for 30 minutes. } 4) You need hands, for the standard method. } } Note: for non-glowing PB&J, or if you are on some wussy dietary } restriction, omit the radium from the above instructions. } } But when I'm feeling a bit nostalgic, I do the following. } } ORACLE'S MOM'S HOME COOKIN' METHOD: } 1) Purchase one package of peanut butter cookies. Squeeze cookies } until the peanut butter comes out. Discard unused cookie husks. } 2) Purchase one dozen jelly donuts. Squeeze donuts until the jelly } comes out. Discard unused donut husks. } 3) Purchase one can of bread pudding. Squeeze pudding until the bread } comes out. Discard unused pudding husks. } 4) Cut off and discard hands. Carry the assembled sandwich to son on } the bloody stumps, stating "look how much I love you, I work my } fingers to the bone and then some, to bring you your meals." Grow } hands again, later that afternoon. } } You owe the Oracle a BLT made without bacon, lettuce or tomato. And } also maybe some therapy for certain unresolved neuroses dating to } childhood. --- 1488-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's the difference between socialism and communism? (Please, > no jokes about cows.) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, look at how many keys you have to press on each keyboard row to } type those words: } } - communism: 3 on the top row (oui), 1 on the middle row (s), and 5 on } the bottom row (cmmnm) } - socialism: 3 on the top row (oii), 4 on the middle row (sals), and 2 } on the bottom row (cm) } } That distribution is reflected in the political systems themselves. So } if you're at the top, communism and socialism are pretty much the same. } If you start out at the bottom, you have a better chance to make it to } the middle class under socialism, but if you can't make it, you're } better off under communism, because no one else you know could either, } unless they're better at groveling than you. } } You owe the Oracle an analogy for the US and EU farming policies that } doesn't involve cows. --- 1488-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > We never actually hear from Wormwood. Does that make him an imaginary > fiend? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } MY DEAR ZADOC, } } I note what you say about guiding our supplicant's reading and taking } care that he sees a good deal of his Windows-using friend. But are you } not being a trifle naive? It sounds as if you supposed that argument } was the way to keep him out of the Enemy's clutches. That might have } been so if he had lived a few decades earlier. At that time the humans } still knew pretty well when a thing was proved and when it was not; } and if it was proved they really believed it. They still connected } thinking with doing, and were prepared to choose their Operating System } as the result of a chain of reasoning. But what with the weekly press } and other such weapons we have largely altered that. Your man has been } accustomed, ever since he was a boy, to have a dozen incompatible } programs dancing about together inside his computer. He doesn't think } of Operating Systems as primarily "true" or "false", but as "academic" } or "practical", "outworn" or "contemporary", "nerdy" or "normal". } Jargon, not argument, is your best ally in keeping him from Linux. } } Don't waste time trying to make him think that market driven design is } the answer! Make him think Windows is strong, or stark, or courageous - } that it is the Operating System of the inevitable. That's the sort of } thing he cares about. The trouble about argument is that it moves the } whole struggle onto the Enemy's own ground. Linus Torvalds can argue } too; whereas in really practical propaganda of the kind I am suggesting } Torvalds has been shown for decades to be greatly the inferior of Our } Father Below, oh mighty Bill. By the very act of arguing, you awake the } supplicant's reason; and once it is awake, who can foresee the result? } } You begin to see the point? Thanks to processes which we set at work } in them decades ago, supplicants find it all but impossible to believe } in the unfamiliar while the familiar is before their eyes. Keep } pressing home on him the ordinariness of using a computer. Above all, } do not attempt to use science (I mean, the real sciences) as a defence } against Linux. That will positively encourage him to think about } realities he can't touch and see. If the supplicant must dabble in } science, keep him on economics and sociology; don't let him get away } from that invaluable "real life". But the best of all is to let him } read no computer science but to give him a grand general idea that he } knows it all and that everything he happens to have picked up in casual } talk and reading is "the result of modern development paradigms". Do } remember you are there to fuddle him. From the way some of you young } acolytes talk, anyone would suppose it was our job to teach! } } Your affectionate master, } ORACLE } } You owe the Oracle an Apologia without apology. --- 1488-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I know they are not really following me, and that it's all just > paranoia. But did you know that even paranoids have enemies? YES! They > are secretly plotting how to follow me around, once my shrink gets me > to believe that they no longer exist!!!!! > > If you have a shrink, you would be well advised to get rid of him. They > dream up diagnoses like paranoia, and then make money "exorcising > demons" just like the medi-evil church. > > Do you think that if I joined a completely evil church, they could > drive out the paranoids and the shrinks? > > Pardon me if you can't follow what I'm saying or if I didn't do the > dishes in the fridge so my website is a mess. It's time for those meds > that I'm refusing to take. I'll go refuse them again, right now. > Thanks. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Day 67: Subject has reached what appears to be a stable plateau. } The resistance phase seems to be behind us at last. I believe we } can proceed after the holiday weekend (kids are looking forward } to the annual barbecue, Ken) with setting the brain wave generator } at full power, so please remind all personnel that they must wear } their tin foil hats when within 10 meters of the house's perimeter. } This puts us on course to complete this stage of individual testing } on time. We can proceed with the small scale group test in 4Q11, } the final Beta test in 1Q12 (I still advocate a small state such } as Delaware, although I understand the arguments in favor of Texas } since they are halfway there already), and go national in plenty } of time before the election. Oh, a few details for next week: } a) we won't need the actor playing the psychiatrist any further, } b) please replace the dishes in the refrigerator with live cats, } c) some upside down crucifixes on the walls might be a nice touch, } and d) send three black 'copters on hourly reconnaissance on } alternating days for the remainder of this test. } } You owe the Oracle a FEMA prisoner boxcar from Montana. Go ahead, } perform a web search on that phrase. --- 1488-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hi, this is not a question, but something funny I thought of. I told > my sister's boyfriend that I could see "Saturn, I mean Neptune, I > mean...Jupiter?" all because he had no belt, and he got the picture and > took appropriate action. > > I hope this really short story has given you as much pleasure as it has > given me. Thank you. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } By this, you mean he had a Great Red Spot that was visible? } } You owe the Oracle an astronomically correct drawing. --- 1488-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > For the past two years I've been setting aside a few minutes each day. > So far, I've saved up a couple of weeks. How shall I use them? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You idiot! You fell for Sir Buncomb Virgin's time-management scheme, } and the result is that your time is all inaccessible. You stored every } minute of it in September 1977. "Store Time Like An Oracle," he said. } You failed to understand that while I, a timeless and immortal being, } can travel into the past and enjoy the time I have saved whenever I may } have saved it, you cannot. You can only travel into the future. } } Next time don't fall for the hype presented to you by a fly-by-knight } time banker. Instead, store your time with XXI Century Future Perfect, } Ltd., the same company your lower fourth form grammar teacher, Miss } Thistlebottom, recommended so long ago. Remember her? No, I didn't } think you could. } } Look, here's what I'm going to do for you. I'm going to go and withdraw } three days of your saved time and stuff it into 2014. How about April? } Fine. That's where it will be. Now hold on a moment. } } [Oracle becomes temporarily red, then blue, then returns to normal } ineffable colour, but with a burnt mark on his hat.] } } Yowtch! That was a bit more effort than I expected. You will owe the } Oracle. (As if you didn't already!) } } There. It's done. A bit of time rot had gotten into one of the days, } and it may fall apart on you, but you will be able to enjoy 31 and 32 } April 2014, and possibly 33 April as well. Don't have anything you } cannot afford to lose with or near you on 33 April. } } I'm afraid you'll have to treat the rest of that saved time as lost. } I'm not going to do that trip again for you, certainly not under the } same conditions. Let's say it would cost you about six months of } backbreaking labour on your part to get me to retrieve the remains of } those two weeks. Not economically feasible. } } Now for the tribute... } } You owe the Oracle an essay on the history of the use and avoidance of } Daylight Saving Time in the US State of Indiana, with special attention } to the methods used by members of the Indiana Legislature to extract } personal leisure time through sneaky amendments. Do not neglect the } attempt to set the value of pi, which was part of the same scheme. } (There's a reason why the Oracle's temporal headquarters are in } Indiana.) } } You also owe the Oracle a new hat. --- 1488-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Ha! Do your worst. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } If you insist. } } It's Zotday, Zotday } Gotta get down on Zotday } Everybody's lookin' forward to a squashed luser, squashed luser } Zotday, Zotday } Gettin' down on Zotday } Everybody's lookin' forward to a squashed luser } Punishin', punishin' (Yeah) } Punishin', punishin' (Yeah) } Zot, Zot, Zot, Zot } Lookin' forward to a squashed luser } } You owe the Oracle 100 million hits on YouTube. --- 1488-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, > > One of my underlings said today, "I don't cope well with > change. Give me folding money instead." You have to > oversee various minions - how would you deal with that? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Would you really pay someone like Zadoc for anything? Nope, } he has to pay me. And if he were to pay me in change, that } would surely break his back! } } How he can afford that? You mean you believe in the 'Poor Zadoc'- } hype? Truth is Zadoc is an extremely wealthy man! How he makes } his money? Well Zadoc is one of the most successful songwriters in } the world! You didn't think those artists singing about their } miserable life, lost dogs and fleeing girlfriends do their writing } themselves, did you? Nope, Zadoc does it for them! Specializes as you } understand in country and blues, but has lately done well in rap also. } Why would someone like that work for me, and even pay for it, you ask? } Well, he claims it gives him inspiration. } } You owe the Oracle the original text to 'Ain't gonna work on Orrie's } farm no more'.