From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Mon Jan 28 11:20:17 2013 Received: from newman.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by newman.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.8/8.13.8/IUCS_2.97) with ESMTP id r0SGKHwD018928; Mon, 28 Jan 2013 11:20:17 -0500 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by newman.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.8/8.13.8/Submit) id r0SGKH2Y018925; Mon, 28 Jan 2013 11:20:17 -0500 Date: Mon, 28 Jan 2013 11:20:17 -0500 From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <201301281620.r0SGKH2Y018925@newman.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1512 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1512 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1512 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 28 Jan 2013 11:20:06 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line, or go to http://www.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/ or http://www.internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1512 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1507 25 votes 35566 29644 08755 17881 57733 17962 53557 19a41 03778 06856 1507 3.2 mean 3.3 3.0 3.3 3.0 2.7 3.0 3.2 2.8 3.8 3.4 --- 1512-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > We are supposed to visit Rome this coming summer, and intend to visit > His Holiness the Pope. I understand that it is customary to kiss the > Pope's ring, but I've also heard the term "Pope's nose" used. Which is > correct? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Both are incorrect. Vatican protocol dictates that you give His } Holiness a french kiss with lots of tongue and heavy petting. Oh } wait.....that's only for choir boys. --- 1512-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I saw the annular solar eclipse on May 20th 2012, and there will be > another one around May 10, 2013. There should have been an annular > eclipse (that means it happens every year) around May 20th, 2011, but > from what I can tell, there wasn't. Is the sun broken? Or the moon? Or > something? Why isn't it working right? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Actually, annular doesn't mean "annual" at all. You're way off base. It } actually comes from the Latin verb for "to annul". You see what happens } is the Sun agrees to a schedule of yearly eclipses with the Moon, but } every couple years, the Sun's emotions flare up and it completely } regrets the whole thing. It then annuls its pact with the Moon, and } that's why you don't see it that year. Eventually it then regrets the } fun of playing eclipse with the Moon, and the process starts all over } again. So in reality, the "eclipsis annulata" is right on schedule. --- 1512-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I have discovered the perfect machine for printing counterfeit money. > The bills produced are completely indistinguishable from real currency. > To prove this, I have attached the plans and diagrams for producing > this machine so that you may verify it. Feel free to build a replica > and test it yourself. > > Anyway, my question is, would it be ethical to use this machine, > assuming I donated a portion of the money to charity? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The real question here is obviously wether I should accept that pile } of money you sent me as payment. I think not. --- 1512-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How did Boxing Day get its name? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } One year, Mike Tyson and Evander Holyfield sent each other } Christmas presents, and by happenstance both chose to give } tickets for box seats at the opera. They were each a little } late getting the present mailed, so the packages arrived at } the post office one day late. As it happens, the two men } came to their adjacent post office boxes at the same time, } and opened their boxes in each other's presence. Once they } realized the coincidence, they congratulated each other on } thinking outside the box, and vowed that every year going } forward they would no longer feel boxed in by the Christmas } rush, and would open their presents from each other the next } day. Thus Boxing Day was created, and the population as a } whole embraced it right out of the box. } } You owe the Oracle a box of candy. --- 1512-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, > > My printer is jammed and it's also out of toner. > I'm not very handy - can you guide me through the > steps to fix this? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } First you need to deal with the jam. You have the wrong kind. } } Go into the kitchen and get a jar of blackberry jam, the kind WITH the } seeds in it. Spread it on your hands. This will make you much handier, } as you look about you for somewhere to wipe your } } NOT ON ME, YOU DAMNED IDIOT! } } Reach inside the printer and remove the stuck paper. While there you } will find the toner cartridge. It's useless as it is, so getting } blackberry jam on it won't matter. } } You will notice that there really is plenty of toner in the cartridge. } Shake it around, and if that doesn't seem to work, go back to the } kitchen and get the bottle of Scotch you keep for cooking. (Well, } that's what you tell your non-drinking religious friends, isn't it?) } DON'T POUR IT INTO THE CARTRIDGE. } } Pour yourself a double shot and me a triple. } } Now itsh time to pulg the ripnter bcak in. Be csjhrful and dont' } shpfill any of yuor whisssky. } } You woe the Ocrale all yru ohter btollse. --- 1512-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's wrong with the server? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Nothing. That's normal behaviour. } } The real question is why it's impossible for any woman to hit a tennis } ball without moaning like that. --- 1512-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The word "anarchist" looks something like the word "antichrist". Does > that mean anything, like sort of how the words oracle and debacle kind > of look like each other, if squinted prompterly? Do I get a "get out of > hell free" card? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } If words looking alike meant they had similar meanings, I wouldn't look } forward to my vacation while dreading my vocation. Don't be } big-headed; even the most small-minded person can see the English } language is complex. We drive on parkways, yet park on driveways. We } send goods by boat and call it cargo; we load them onto trucks and call } it a shipment. A kingergarten often has a kid napping, but rarely a } kidnapping. And we insist that bra is singular, but panties are } plural... Far from being worthless, it's priceless. } } It confuses foreigners, and I find that funny. } } You owe the Oracle dinner. I used to be a vegetarian, but I gave that } up. Now I'm a humanitarian. --- 1512-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax materiam > possit materiari? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ego te zoto, supplicans impudens sceleratusque! --- 1512-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, > > It is said that a brook would lose its song if God removed the > rocks. So I decided to dump a large quantity of rocks into the > nearby drainage ditch, to bring music to our neighborhood. And > now the Environmental Protection Agency is after me. What should > I do? Will God be coming after me next? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A brook requires rocks, yes, but not too much , you see. } It was irresponsible of you to dump such a big amount into the ditch. } You need to test them out first, whether it's a douche first. } } Why the friendly people at EPA are after you is because } the drainage ditch might start regaling your neighborhood } with JB songs or worse, One Direction's horrible squealing. } The EPA are the descendants of hippies and tree-huggers, } they're nice people hell-bent on protecting the environment, so don't } mess with them. } } You need to repent for your near-sins and listen to JB } for a week, and make a sacrifice to Cthulu, preferably a virgin } girl, but if you can't find those, a pig or cow would do fine. } If you can't even find those, replace with a bottle of Screech. --- 1512-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Disavowal? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, dat a question mark.