From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Wed Feb 27 15:01:25 2013 Received: from newman.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by newman.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.8/8.13.8/IUCS_2.97) with ESMTP id r1RK1Od7019837; Wed, 27 Feb 2013 15:01:24 -0500 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by newman.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.8/8.13.8/Submit) id r1RK1OR4019834; Wed, 27 Feb 2013 15:01:24 -0500 Date: Wed, 27 Feb 2013 15:01:24 -0500 From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <201302272001.r1RK1OR4019834@newman.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1513 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1513 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1513 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 27 Feb 2013 15:01:13 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line, or go to http://www.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/ or http://www.internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1513 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1508 25 votes 33982 19483 24487 17674 05965 25a62 19645 05686 37681 52666 1508 3.2 mean 3.1 3.1 3.6 3.2 3.4 3.0 3.1 3.6 2.9 3.2 --- 1513-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The bell rang. A priest's head emerged. "Oracle, your presence is } required!" Slowly, the Oracle rose from its sleeping duvet, padding the } blonde gently on the head and briefly brushing against the brunette's } cheek. It felt so groggy. When had been the last time it felt truly } alive? No time. "Yes, yes". } Donning its sash, the Oracle hurried down the flight of stairs to the } waterfall room, where the petitioner waited. } "Speak, supplicant. What is it you seek?" } The supplicant, a pale, scrawny boy, opened his mouth: } "". } "Speak up, supplicant. What wisdom is it that your heart desires?" } "". } Try as he might, the supplicant seemed unable to speak a single word, } mouthing words with agonizing efforts that did not form. Then, } suddenly... } } a bell rang. A priest's head emerged. "Oracle, a supplicant." } The Oracle rose from its bed, a lingering look on the picture on the } nightstand. It felt so groggy. When had been the last time it felt } truly alive? No time. "Yes, yes". } Fastening its belt, the Oracle hurried through the door to office, } where the petitioner waited. } "Hello, Mr. supplicant. What can I do for you?" } The supplicant, an ugly miscreant with scars across its entire body, } opened his mouth: } "". } "What? Speak up a little." } "". } Try as he might, the supplicant seemed unable to speak a single word. } His ugly face in a grimace, he seemd to scream, but not a sound } emerged. Then, suddenly... } } a speaker crackled. A voice shouted "Wisdom time, Orrie. Scram!" } The Oracle jumped from its bed, only stopping briefly to tuck in its } tattered teddy bear. It felt so groggy. When had been the last time it } felt truly alive? No time. "Coming! Coming!". } Straightening out its rags, the Oracle hurried up through the trapdoor, } where the petitioner stood. } "Most revered supplicant. How may I serve? Please, anything I can do." } The supplicant, half human, half hydra, opened his nine writhing } reptile mouths: } "". } "Please, m'lord, if you could speak up a little... I can't seem to } understand you." } "". } Nine terrible heads bounced up and down, snapping at the Oracle, } hissing without sound. Then, suddenly... } } the alarm went off. } } It had been a dream, only a dream again. That dream. That terrible } dream. But only a dream... for now. Would the day ever come when a } supplicant would dare to ask an empty question again? Between drops of } sweat, the Oracle's gaze went through the dimly lit room and lingered } on the creepy clown cannon. It was always loaded with live clowns, just } in case. } } Just in case. --- 1513-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I was hoping you would ask! } } Yes, some days my mind is a total blank, which explains why so much } time passes as you await my answers. "The Oracle is pondering your } question." Hah! The Oracle is sitting in his Oracular garden, drinking } his Oracular Beer, and pondering the butterflies. Look! A squirrel! } Where was I? Oh yes, I was telling you how I create answers to your } questions even when your own mind is supplicantally blank. } } Well, you see, it's like this. Look! A squirrel! } } Sorry about that. Today is full of distractions. Ambition, distraction, } uglification and derision. Look! A squirrel! } } Perhaps I should not have moved from comfy Indiana University to here } in Frostbite Falls, Minnesota. Look! A squirrel! --- 1513-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > My astrologer says I have cancer and my sister has capra corns. What is > the cure? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Some fresh Aries. --- 1513-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Yes way! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Unfortunately, the road tolls on the Yes way tend to be far to high. --- 1513-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Should I stay with my baby momma just because we have a child together > and the sex is good? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hell no. You should leave and take up with five other women in three } other places, so that when your baby is older he or she will say, } "Who's my daddy?" and your current woman will say, "I don't really } know. Maybe it was that loser who was always getting advice from some } stupid Oracle." } } See? You can't do neat things like that if you stick around home. And } who knows, the new women will be younger and prettier and with luck } they won't have any jilted boyfriends gunning for you. --- 1513-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I wish the Riddle Troll were still here. His questions were easy. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } All questions are difficult, which is why people ask me, rather than } you. } } Instead of a riddle, you might enjoy a difficult lightbulb joke, } imported from Norway, original home of trolls: } } Q: How many Norwegians does it take to change a lightbulb? } A: I don't know, but if you find out, tell the Swedes. They're always } asking that question. --- 1513-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The only three groups I could find > Were distinct from each other and mine. > > * * * > > Thus begins a limerick I want you to finish. The context was when I > was searching for my single adult group at church and couldn't find it, > since they met elsewhere. I can't think of a good end to the limerick, > either. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The only three groups I could find } Were distinct from each other and mine. } One rhyming with silver, } Another with purple; } The worst one however was orange. } } You owe the Oracle a justification for pronouncing "find" as "fine." --- 1513-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How come the questions are often funnier than the answers? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } To resolve your grief, the Oracle must drill down to the depths of } understanding of humour. } } } } Now, this won't hurt a bit... } Much. } } Let's see here... Internet memes, toilet humour, pop culture } references... } } Sorry, let me just get that for you. } } What else do we have in here? I can see a large cavity in the left } lower slapstick incisor, and you really need to be paying more } attention to your upper knock knock molars, look at all this plaque } from underuse and inattention! } } } Knock Knock! Who's there? Boo! Boo who? Oh, don't cry, it's just a bad } joke, you'll get over it once I'm done slapping you with this haddock. } } Well, looking at your dental records, and the way humour has been used } lately, it seems a lack of care for the things that are known to be } funny may be causing your problem. I am putting you on a course of } Pirates of the Caribbean, Looney Tunes and Graham Chapman until your } funny bone is mended. } } You owe the Internet Oracle five hundred for visitation, two hundred } for diagnosis and over nine thousand for making it reuse that tired old } meme. --- 1513-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey, I have a neat idea for a new Internet service... Anonymous > collaborative fiction! People would send their questions to a > fictitious entity (called The Internet Barnacle or The Internet > Monocle, or something silly like that), alleged to be super smart or > even (ghod help us) omniscient. > > Each person who writes in would get an answer, and the answers would be > generated by others who write in their questions. > > I see a few stumbling blocks in my pathway to success, and want your > advice on overcoming them before we start it up. > > 1. The first person who writes in a question won't get an answer until > the second person comes along. What advertising tactics should I use to > make sure there are enough suckers to get this scheme off the ground? > > 2. People are lazy. Some questioners won't bother contributing an > answer, and a long queue of unanswered questions will pile up. What to > do? > > 3. Some of the questions will be predictable and thus repeated. I can > see, for example, that the question, "What is an alternative name for > the marmot that traditionally appears on groundhog day?" will be > overused. How shall such action be punished? > > 4. Some of the answers will also be stupid. Lazy responders will resort > to insults, obscenity, religion, scatology, or feigned ignorance, > instead of providing material that is polite and erudite. Again, how to > punish? > > 5. I'll need an unpaid crew of slaves to help separate the dross from > the chaff. What sort of title can I give them so that they will work > cheerfully and faithfully without even the hope of being paid? > > 6. Eventually there should be enough worthwhile material to publish a > book. I can foresee selling it to the same crop of idiots who buy MAD > Magazine. How can I get the EC Publications mailing list? > > Thank you for your help in this unique and unparalleled effort. We > anticipate starting Real Soon Now. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Twitter Oracularities #1 } Compiled-By: @zadoc } Date: 25 Feb 13 14:30:56 GMT } } To find out how to ask a question of the Twitter Oracle, tweet: } #oracletwitter } with the word "help" in the text. } ------------------------------ } } 1-01 } Selected-By: @therealkinzler } Twitter Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: } > (See above) } And in response, thus tweeteth the Oracle: } } Among stumbling blocks u left out dat ppl dont R/W long txt NEmore } ------------------------------ } } 1-02 } Selected-By: @notreallyiandavis } Twitter Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: } > How much wood would #woodchuck chuck if woodchuck could chuck wood } And in response, thus tweeteth the Oracle: } } Too long; did not read. See? #zot #tldnr #lol #rofl #zotagain } ------------------------------ } } 1-03 } Selected-By: @yetanothertimchew } Twitter Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: } > } And in response, thus tweeteth the Oracle: } } Too short; did not read. } ------------------------------ } } 1-04 } Selected-By: @klonesclone } Twitter Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: } > The Oracle's question queue is getting rather full. Help speed thi } And in response, thus tweeteth the Oracle: } } Help speed thi what? U r not makin sense. } ------------------------------ } } 1-05 } Selected-By: @larkmawrence } Twitter Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: } > Haven't heard much about Lisa. Written any haiku about her lately? } And in response, thus tweeteth the Oracle: } } #My #Net.Sex.Goddess, #Counterintuitively, #Rejects #Recent #Tech. } ------------------------------ } } 1-06 } Selected-By: @lightbutnochains } Twitter Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: } > When is the next version of NetHack coming out? } And in response, thus tweeteth the Oracle: } } Wow! Thought NetHack apps for Android and iPad were a joke, but no } ------------------------------ } } 1-07 } Selected-By: @xofjustxof } Twitter Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: } > Yo Oracle dude. Can I use your hashtag for porn? } And in response, thus tweeteth the Oracle: } } It depends on #whatareyouwearing, #bigboy? } ------------------------------ } } 1-08 } Selected-By: @kendaiafterhours } Twitter Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: } > Oh Oracle most wise how can I fit both a grovel and a question int } And in response, thus tweeteth the Oracle: } } Answers don't fit either. You owe the Oracle some hash and a tag. } ------------------------------ } } 1-09 } Selected-By: @OGTYPINGONKEYBOARDCANYOUREADTHISyesGOODTHENMECONTINUE } Twitter Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: } > So. What do you think of my Twitter Oracle concept so far? } And in response, thus tweeteth the Oracle: } } Can't put my finger on it but the idea seems vaguely familiar. } ------------------------------ } } 1-10 } Selected-By: @TheRealDeweyCheathamAndHowe } Twitter Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: } > I see the postal carrier has come. Wonder what she brought? } And in response, thus tweeteth the Oracle: } } Defendant: Indiana University asked us to contact you. Desist. } } You owe the Oracle a Staff of Zot that works on lawyers. --- 1513-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Impress me. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'll take "Famous Last Words" for $200. } } Who were ... the Golden Muscat grapes? } } Sorry, that was just a seedy little joke. I bet this will impress you: } Your Oracle knows how to use question marks! } } Since you didn't ask a question, you owe the Oracle nothing.