From oracle-admin@soic.indiana.edu Fri Jul 5 07:01:53 2013 Received: from newman.soic.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by newman.soic.indiana.edu (8.13.8/8.13.8/IUCS_2.98) with ESMTP id r65B1rwn016473; Fri, 5 Jul 2013 07:01:53 -0400 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by newman.soic.indiana.edu (8.13.8/8.13.8/Submit) id r65B1r1Q016470; Fri, 5 Jul 2013 07:01:53 -0400 Date: Fri, 5 Jul 2013 07:01:53 -0400 From: oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Message-Id: <201307051101.r65B1r1Q016470@newman.soic.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1518 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1518 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1518 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Fri, 05 Jul 2013 07:01:42 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line, or go to http://www.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/ or http://www.internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1518 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1513 26 votes 22859 0a763 147b3 4a831 6a460 49760 24b63 18962 2445b 5b721 1513 3.0 mean 3.7 3.1 3.4 2.5 2.4 2.6 3.2 3.0 3.7 2.3 --- 1518-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > So my brother-in-law Dr. Fenton Tremulo is a seismologist. He studies > earthquakes. Sometimes they study him. > > Well, last week, over a few beers at my sister's house (she's his wife, > if you haven't guessed) he starts tell me about the idea of a > "cepstrum" of "quefrencies" (rather than a spectrum of frequencies). > Clearly it's another of "Uncle Fenton's Tall Tales" like he tells my > kids. I laugh and suggest he have a couple more beers. "Two or three > more of Labatt's finest and you'll be over it," I tell him. > > Yesterday, just for the fun of it, I looked up cepstrum and quefrency > on the internet. Right there staring at me from Wikipedia was a whole > explanation bristling with mathematics! Fenton wasn't making it up. > > But some other loony did. Three of them, actually, Bogert, Healy, and > Tukey. Suggestive of bogosity and turkeys. > > What other gawwd-awwful terminology exists in science of which I've > been heretofore comfortably unaware of? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I pondered thy query a centifortnight (or } Deci perhaps); then translated my icophone } Nearer myself. Steganographic audio } Phonemes erupted from my parabolic curves- } Twin vermilion lines- and my sinus produced } Sinosoidals ordered by sphota like photos } Moving my verse transverse. It seems that no etic } Noetic poetic explains what I had said! } } What tonemes seem too strange to you- who knows? } Unrhyming phonon clumps encoded binarily } Are all you'll recieve for a subjective inquiry } } The Oracles demands of you the following payment: } } Though it make you tenser, describe me a tensor; } Present me either your plexus and spine or a spinor; } And kindly do it in terms of the quaternions. --- 1518-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's the best cure for insomnia? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sleep it off. --- 1518-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I just got a horse and I'm trying to find out what breed he is. I have > named him Rakkabones from how he looks. My Uncle Febbly says he thinks > Rakkabones is an Episcopalian or a Quarternion, but my dad says he is > only a Partial Derivative. Dad never make's any sense at all. My mom, > who is looking over my shoulder, says I shouldn't put a postrophee in > "make's" but I don't see why because it ends with s and need's one. > She just said there you go again. > > Please tell me how wrong my mom and dad are and what breed my horse > Rakkabones is. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } First, s'hame on you four not being able, at your age, } to look over your own body part's - if your aging mother } has to look over your s'houlder, I wonder who is looking } over your s'hin's. } } S'econd, if everything that end's with an S need's } an apostrophe, then you s'hould apply the s'ame } principle to word's that begin with one. } With an S, I mean, not with an apostrophe. } Just because an S is on a different s'ide } doesnt mean it i's les's s'ignificant. } } A's for your hoarse - make it s'tand s'trait, } then make a s'mall cut in the top of it's head. } If any blood come's our, it's a full-blooded hoarse. } } You owe the Oracle sik's dollar's. --- 1518-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > GOD HATES FAGS! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hah! An anagram! I love anagrams even more than you love to give policy } to God. } } You have described the end of the era of the Large Motor Car: FATED GAS } HOGS, but you can watch their demise with the SOFT DASH GAGE. } } You also have some demented old pigs: DAFT HOGS AGES. } } Ultimately though, you are the one who suffers: FATS GAG HOSED. --- 1518-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > So last year I needed help with a school paper and you gave it to me. > It was about the Diet of Worms. Unfrotunately the dog ate it before I > could hand it in. So this year I have the same assingment. Don't ask > why I don't won't to talk about it. > > And the cat peed on my computer last year and my mom threw it away and > now I need a new one I am borrwyoing Billy Sedgwyckth's computer but > don't reply to him reply to me or he will get the paper instead. > > How can people eat those worms? Yuckkk! > > And Martin Luther King. He was invloved with it, too, but I am sure he > didn't have to eat the worms. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, you see Edith (now called Edith of Worms, but then just Edith) } asked her husband, Martin, if she looked fat. After his reply she } nailed his a$% to a door and he had 95 Thesis Problems, none of which } came from female dogs eating his homework. Or cats peeing on his } computer. (By the way, you may have heard that Jay-Z later wrote a song } about Martin, but Jay-Z took some liberties with the facts, such as } changing the number, so don't use it for you paper.) Now just because } Edith did not like Martin's refusal to recant what he said about her } backside, didn't mean she wasn't going try a diet. Having seen some ads } for sanitized tape worms, Edith embarked on the now famous Diet of } Worms. This made her very irritable, a side effect of tape worms now } well known, and she protested *everything* thus starting a Protestant } movement. People were a bit more euphemistic back then, so they didn't } use the phrase "bowel movement." Despite her complaints, she did manage } to slim her figure, and her improved looks, or "reformed body" was } called the Protestant Reformation. } } You owe your dog a de-worming and you owe the Oracle a paper on the } Papal bull running of Pamplona. --- 1518-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I was born at such an early age that I am two years older than myself. > I'm telling you this as a method of grovellling, because most > supplicants are not as supple, and die trying to catch up with > themselves. > > In spite of everything I am way behind on tribute to you. Already I > owe you a replacement ornithopter and two tons of double-density gold. > I've been working on making the ornithopter, and am using dead pigeons > because (as Tom Lehrer said) it's not against any religion to want > dispose of a pigeon. > > I'm considering dropping the ornithopter and preparing the gold > instead. Please give me some hints on preparing double-density > materials in general. I was thinking of compressing gold coins until > they were smaller. I've run out of gold, too. Please send more. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Firstly, congratulations on your maturity. You wouldn't believe how } many questions I get from immature supplicants (actually, you probably } would; you're old enough to be sufficiently cynical about these } things). } Secondly, thank you for keeping me up-to-date on your attempts to pay } me. Most supplicants don't bother with this, and seem to think I'll } forget. Like an elephant, I never forget. Like Ko-Ko, I have a little } list, and they'll none of 'em be missed. } } As you will no doubt recall, the ornithopter was to replace the one } Zadoc destroyed in his doomed attempt to bring me back some ice from a } comet to put in my martini. Perhaps I should have told him about the } freezer compartment in the Oracular fridge. No matter. } } One word of advice on the ornithopter (you'll need it for the next } bit): don't use peanuts coated in cyanide to kill the pigeons, use } strychnine instead. I tried the 'peanuts-in-cyanide' trick once and } got into so much trouble with the park-keeper; who knew you had to put } up warning signs, "These cyanide-laced peanuts may contain nuts"? } } Anyway, I digress. } } In order to create the double-density gold (or indeed any } double-density material), you will need the following: } One ornithopter (check) } One space-readiness kit for same } One same } One pair bolt-cutters } One key for Fort Knox } One coil of rope } One map of the Milky Way } Entire works of Marcel Proust. } Entire works of Marcel Marceau. On audio tape. } } 1) Fly the ornithopter to Fort Knox (anything else won't get under } their radar, but they were getting too many false positives from } pigeons so they've turned off the pigeon-detectors). } 2) Break into Fort Knox using the bolt cutters and the key. This } should be straightforward. } 3) Steal two tons of gold (or more, if you prefer). } 4) Adapt your ornithopter for space-flight. } 5) Fly to the centre of the Milky Way. You may need the books and } tapes for in-flight entertainment. } 6) Carefully lower the two tons of gold half-way into Sagittarius A* } (a black-hole), using the rope. } 7) The gravitational field of the black-hole will cause the gold to be } crushed to double its original density. } 8) Pull the gold back out of the black-hole. If this turns out to be } impossible (according to Einstein, it is), then I suggest that you go } in after it, and wait until the black-hole evaporates and you emerge, } with the gold. Admittedly, you might not be in the same shape as when } you went in, but that's not important. } 9) Fly back to Earth. Note: your map may be out-of-date by this point. } } If only all supplicants were as willing as you to settle their debts. } } You owe the Oracle a better way of testing his new invention that } halves the density of everything put into it. --- 1518-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > That was awesome! Too bad I had to pay a price fir it. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, you poor sap, you must be pine-ing for another answer. } Lettuce sit down together, and I'll tell you the story about } how I met my wife. } } One day, I was eating in this tree-mendous restaurant. The } waiter came up to me and asked what I wanted. "Olive the } plaice, please" I said. When it arrived, I started to eat } it, but just then a bone got stuck in my throat. I started } coughing and spluttering, but everyone around me couldn't } give a fig. } } Just then, a young lady came up behind me and performed the } Heimlich manoeuver on me. "Thank you, what's your name?" } I asked. "Vera," she replied. "Aloe Vera," I said. } } She asked me what I did for a living. "I'm a painter," I } replied. "So that was an artichoke?" she asked. She had to } go then. Parting is such sweet sorrel, but we arranged a } date. } } Over thyme we fell in love. Her parents weren't too happy } with her dating a poor artist. They wanted her to marigold. } Anyway, I asked her to marry me, and she said yes. } } I hope yew enjoyed this little story. --- 1518-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Honey? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes. Also vinegar, olive oil, tapioca, wax paper, tuna fish, bread and } milk. } } Thank you. --- 1518-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is the Old Joke gone? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Old jokes never die, they just get stolen by acts at comedy clubs. } Old tellmes never die, they just get filed under "Carnuba Wax Receipts, } 2008-2011" and stored in Closet 24B. } Old Oracular staff members never die, they just get fed zombie cucumber } and are chained to the Oracular Treadmill Generator. We call this our } "retiree health plan." } Old supplicants never die, they just graduate from supplications to } supplements, and eventually of course suppositories. } Old Oracles never die. We don't get old, either. Suckers. } And old, tired tropes masquerading as Oracular Wisdom? As long as } there's a drachma in it, you know they'll never die. } } You owe the Oracle an old drachma. Say, 3rd Century BCE. Mint. --- 1518-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I came down with a viral video and now everyone think's I'm stupid. > > Why does this seem even worse than when I came down with a case of > ammonia? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Bah. A pox on those who would think so.