From oracle-admin@soic.indiana.edu Mon Oct 28 09:46:34 2013 Received: from newman.soic.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by newman.soic.indiana.edu (8.13.8/8.13.8/IUCS_2.98) with ESMTP id r9SDkYmg015381; Mon, 28 Oct 2013 09:46:34 -0400 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by newman.soic.indiana.edu (8.13.8/8.13.8/Submit) id r9SDkYAI015378; Mon, 28 Oct 2013 09:46:34 -0400 Date: Mon, 28 Oct 2013 09:46:34 -0400 From: oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Message-Id: <201310281346.r9SDkYAI015378@newman.soic.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1522 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1522 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1522 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 28 Oct 2013 09:46:22 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line, or go to http://www.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/ or http://www.internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1522 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1517 22 votes 16555 24880 26680 12694 13477 26941 59521 39640 44860 33a51 1517 3.0 mean 3.3 3.0 2.9 3.6 3.7 2.8 2.3 2.5 2.7 2.9 --- 1522-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most well-informed, who gets each and every up-date > up-wards of three days before the date, and who has patches > on everything it owns, please tell your most retarded servant: > > - when did the swirling donut replace the hourglass, > and how many times faster is it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The swirling donut is beyond temporality. Ask not concerning these } unknowable mysteries for which thy stout brain is as yet un-upgraded to } receive. } The donut knows all. The donut is all. o donut, donut, donut.....cute } little donuty pal! kiss it! O kiss it, kiss it!......KISS THE GODDAMN } DONUT YE GOYISHER DOG } OR I'll HAVE YE KEELHAULED! AAAAR! STRIKE YER COLORS, YE BLOOMIN' } COCKROACHES! AAARRRR! THIS BE MY BLUE DONUT NOW, AND. . . . . . } } .......We would like to apologize for that oracular utterance. The } person who wrote it was Harold our Intern. Harold is not a bona fide } oracle, and hasn't even } applied for his oracle license yet. However, he does come from a rather } unsavory background. Both his parents wrote for USA TODAY and have } Oprah Winfrey on speed dial. So please don't bother to call us as we } know his answer was terrible and awful and it won't ever happen again, } and } } WE WOULD LIKE TO DENY THAT LAST APOLOGY. HAROLD IS DOING QUITE WELL, } EVEN AFTER THAT AWFUL ACCIDENT WITH THE CHEEZ-WIZ, AND BESIDES HE } IS BOUND TO GO THROUGH THIS SORT OF PHASE NOW AND THEN, AND THERE'S } ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG WITH WRITING FOR USA TODAY. IT IS A FINE } NEWSPAPER, REPLETE WITH ALL THE TRADITIONS OF SOLID JOURNALISM, A } VERITABLE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF NEWSPAPERS EVERYWHERE, A SHINING BEACON } OF JOURNALISTIC INTEGRITY, AND ANYWAY WHO DOESN'T LIKE A NICE BIT } OF.... } } We would like to deny that last denial. We are perfectly happy here at } the offices of the Internet Oracle, and so what if we've slept with the } editor of the "What's Not Hot" column of the Newark Times? I'll bet } you're no angel either, you B&&&&! You ought to.... } } *INTERNET CONNECTION TERMINATED* --- 1522-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Orrie you have to help me. My report on the South Pole is due TODAY an > I have not finished it. I am suposed to write about what lives there > and I made a list of polor bares, penquins, seals and wallrusses. My > mom says there are more rushins at the South Pole than any of those > other things, and she says she is right but I think she is crazy. She > also says if I started last week I would be done now boy is she wrong. > > Please make me a list of what really lives at the South Pole and send > it right now. I will reward you by keeping quite about your help so you > wont get in trouble. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Here is a list of things to be found in the Antarctic. } It has been approved by the Board of Irresponsible People: } } Weddell Seals } Killer Whales } Rockhopper Penguins } Black Browed Albatross } String } Leopard Seals } Blue Whales } Adelie Penguins } George Hamilton } Antarctic Shags } antarctic shagging } Crabeater Seals } Krill } Snow } Fresh Fruit } Wandering Albatross } Antarctic Fur Seals } people protesting the seals wearing fur } Emperor Penguin } more string } Southern Elephant Seals } Chinstrap Penguins } chinstraps } Ross Seals } Ross } Ice } Very cold winds } Norwegians } Slinkies } sausages } boxes } movies starring Brigitte Nielsen } people who voluntarily rent, then watch movies starring Brigitte } Nielsen glue } guns (to be used against the Brigitte Nielsen fans) } Kool Aid } A frost-bitten Kermit the Frog hand puppet (don't ask) } parkas } more parkas } Bill Cosby --- 1522-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > For lack of a better choice of words, gadzooks! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } For lack? Your vocabulary needs serious work. The Oracle is } benevolent, the Oracle is wise. Here is a list of words you } COULD have used: } } Zoinks! Egads! Whoa! Wow! Wowzers! } Golly! Gee! Phew! Alas! } Whoopee! Jeepers! Golly! } } You owe the Oracle the 1968 season of Scooby Doo Where Are You on } Blu-Ray --- 1522-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh. I mean, oh? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Almost! Here's the correct lyrics: } } Dumb supplicant got a ZOT! } I-OW-I-OW-OW! } } And that zot caused lots of screams! } I-OW-I-OW-OW! } } With a scream, scream here, } And a scream, scream there, } Here a scream, there a scream, } Everywhere a awful scream! } } Dumb supplicant got ZOT! } I-OW-I-OW-OW! } } You owe the Oracle the rest of the verses. --- 1522-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > You've been to Kickstarter, right? Know any good ones? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I always liked the 1972 Kawasaki 750. Fast bike. Faster than a } speeding Oracle. Did you know that an Oracle on a 750 can } outrun a cop? I didn't know until I tried it. Kickstart! } Vrrrrrrroom! --- 1522-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rich McGee The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What does that girl sitting across from me think of me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } She just asked me, "What does that boy sitting across from me think of } me?" } } You owe the Oracle a wedding invitation. --- 1522-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Farris J. Deadbeat here. You'll remember me, right? At 666 Obituary > Drive, Darkness Falls, Idaho. You came here once to sell me life > insurance. As if I needed it. Hah! But I bought it anyway, just to > keep you happy. > > Anyway, I've paid too much for that policy, and now need to collect > something on it. Please send me the full death-benefit value, $6 > million, in solid gold. Where I spend most of my time we only use > gold. Keep in mind that I value gold at $20 per ounce for this sort > of transaction. That will be 300,000 troy ounces of gold (9331 kg), > please, and none of that plated tungsten, either. > > You will note that I have invalidated the "return-of-premiums-paid" > clause on the policy. I've enclosed it under separate cover. > That cover over there. Lift it and look, if you don't believe me. Be > careful not to fall in. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Unfortunately, you plumped for our "Never Pay" policy which, if you } don't make a claim is very worthwhile but, you made a claim, so I'm } afraid you are phuque-ed. --- 1522-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I need more time. There just isn't enough time in each day. Now I know > that it's not possible for you to make each day longer, but you could > make seconds shorter by redefining them and everybody would have more. > Sort of like how the government prints more money. > > You'll be telling me, of course, that they don't actually "print" more > money, but instead simply make bookkeeping entries via computer that > give money to banks that lend it out, so that the extra actual value, > if any, comes from the sweat of the folks who have to repay the loans. > A kind of slavery. > > Well, so what?, I say. YOU occasionally inhabit a computer, so you > should be able to compute the new seconds, made of what originally were > hemiseconds. Instead of 86400 seconds in each day we would have 172800 > of them, and could make up for it by working twice as fast! > > With everyone working twice as fast, there will be more of everything > for everybody, and I'll be able to retire, and spend my extra seconds > on the beach at Cancun, a place you know well, according to Oracularity > 638-08. > > Please either inform me that there are now 172800 seconds in a day, or > at least give me some hints on how to live at Cancun without getting > into trouble as happened to you. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, supplicant, it's very simple. *Time is money*. } } It's strange how people are always *saying* that, but no one ever seems } to grasp the implications. Your problem isn't that you need more time; } it's that time isn't worth as much as it used to be, because of } inflation. I'm sure you've noticed how the years pass so much more } quickly than they did when you were young. Candy was cheaper then, } too. Same phenomenon. } } So, sure, I *could* create more time, but I'd also be creating more } money, and that would only lead to further inflation. Eventually, } things could spiral out of control in a classic hyperinflation } scenario--like in Germany in 1924, when people had to haul wheelbarrows } full of cash to the grocery store to buy a loaf of bread, and driving } home afterward could take up to fourteen years. (And when they got } home in 1938, you wouldn't *believe* what kind of screwed-up things } had been going on in the meantime.) You're asking me to risk a } full-blown temporospatial macroeconomaly! I respectfully decline. } } What *you* need, supplicant, is to invest your time wisely. It's the } inverse of the classic compound-interest gimmick. What usually happens } is people invest small amounts of money in an interest-bearing account } and allow several years to pass, and it becomes a large amount of } money. This works equally well in reverse: you invest few minutes here } and there in an interesting pastime, spend a lot of money, and before } you know it those minutes will have grown into hours, days, or even } weeks. } } Be careful to avoid junk investments, though. I'd hate to see you end } up on the street panhandling for spare time. "Hey, buddy, got a } minute?" Sad. } } You owe the Oracle the time of day. --- 1522-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wh And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ...at should I buy the Oracle for Christmas? } } Well, I'm glad you asked. } I could use a new woodchuck-skin rug, or maybe a new Zot stick. I'm } getting old, and all of my worldly possessions seem to be wearing thin. } } Of course, I also accept cash. You can paypal the funds directly to my } oracle email address! --- 1522-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > No, no, no! I spelled Thrusday wrong again, and wrote Thrudsay > instead. No wonder we didn't meet for dinner, because I was somewhen > else. Oh well, probabably all for the best. It was going to be my > mom's leftover spaghetti as I pretended we were in Roam or somwhere. > > This time YOU suggest the time and place. And the menu, too. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Look, this is precisely why we have never been able to organize the } Misspelling Bee.