From oracle-admin@soic.indiana.edu Fri Feb 21 08:28:42 2014 Received: from newman.soic.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by newman.soic.indiana.edu (8.13.8/8.13.8/IUCS_2.100) with ESMTP id s1LDSfmH017207; Fri, 21 Feb 2014 08:28:41 -0500 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by newman.soic.indiana.edu (8.13.8/8.13.8/Submit) id s1LDSfKI017203; Fri, 21 Feb 2014 08:28:41 -0500 Date: Fri, 21 Feb 2014 08:28:41 -0500 From: oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Message-Id: <201402211328.s1LDSfKI017203@newman.soic.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1527 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1527 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1527 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Fri, 21 Feb 2014 08:28:30 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line, or go to http://www.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/ or http://www.internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1527 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1522 19 votes 25651 15733 05a31 36910 25732 14473 0b512 01468 14a31 16462 1522 3.1 mean 2.9 3.1 3.0 2.4 2.9 3.4 2.7 4.1 2.9 3.1 --- 1527-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I can't figure out what kind of food I can eat. Here's the score: > Meat - can't have it, for reasons every veggie understands. > Vegetables - not enough protein. Beans cause farts. Missing B12 or > something. > Rocks - wear down the teeth. Somewhat un-nutritious. > Water - contains bugs, which are animals. See meat, above. > > There is nothing I can eat. Except maybe my own toenail trimmings and > possibly my hair. What would YOU do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Here are some things you haven't considered: } } Air: if you get it cold enough, it's even crunchier than potato chips. } } Clocks: these flavorful machines act as a homeopathic tick repellant. } } Crumb Cake: does not taste good, but is bad for you, so that's, } you know, ideal. } } Your Heart: you'll like it! Why? Because it's bitter -- AND because } it's your heart! } } You owe the Oracle a red badge of porridge. --- 1527-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is there a Porky Pig, but no Muttony Sheep? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sorry you never met him. He was delicious. } } You owe the Oracle several more tasteful intersections of French and } English. (Observe that the French, on turning left at these } intersections, as they invariably do, proceed down the road on the } right-hand side, meeting the proper English drivers head-on, and } resulting in the raw material for what some euphemistically call "long } pork." The questionable French influence on England continues long } after 1066 and all that.) --- 1527-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rich McGee The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Can you be indoctrinated into atheism? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You've never been to North Korea, have you? --- 1527-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > He's bluffing. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You bet he is! --- 1527-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, please tellme what really caused the distinction of the > dinosaurs. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well it was like this: Brontosaurus started wearing power ties because } his wife said they brought out more of his predatory side. Then T-Rex } got jealous because he also wore one, except his was a light yellow } with black polka dots and Bronto's was navy with white dots. Next thing } you know Triceratops is showing up to work with a blood red silk } paisley, which looked good on him but T-Rex felt was in bad taste. } Personally, I think the height of fashion was Dimetrodon with that } purple and silver check pattern. Really enhanced the primal nature of } his dorsal ridge. --- 1527-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, wow! A mathematical puzzle. The unstated implication is that zero } is nothing. This is an error, of course, because the number zero is } something. One view is that it represents, in counting, the condition } of having none of the item being counted. } } The most interesting aspect of zero is in constructing fractions. If we } attempt to create a fraction out of parts that are each zero in size or } extent, and then to enumerate them, we find the number of them too } large to comprehend. To wiggle out of the difficulty we suggest that } division by zero yields something called infinity. } } Your Oracle himself encounters the Problem of Infinity daily, as it is } required by his omniscience. } } You owe the Oracle a proof that knowledge about zero is something, } rather than nothing, all the while addressing that difficulty of that } knowledge being a fraction of an infinity. --- 1527-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rich McGee The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Sometimes the Oracle malfunctions for no reason. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ORA-07445: exception encountered: core dump [zot2+0394] [SIGSEGV] } } [Object not mapped to question] [0xDEADBEEF] [] [] --- 1527-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How much do I owe? Where do I send it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You owe the Oracle a video cassette of the Budweiser Christmas } commercial, a bag of cheetos, a lock for the gate, a blackboard } with "You can't fool the Oracle" written on it 1000 times, some stuff, } a broom to clean up your ashes, Monica Lewinsky's phone number, } a pair of tickets to the Arizona Diamondbacks home opener, a } swizzle stick, the key to, well, keys to many things, a pair of } loaded dice, a better question (several times), a, well, you } know, an essay on the immorality of improper fractions, an } eleven foot pole, shoes with spikes, charcoal shoe inserts, a } large flask of holy water, a T-shirt with [there were a lot } of these] printed on it, a thesaurus (there were a lot of these, } too), the reason you [lots], a good excuse [lots and lots], } nothing (you got off easy several times), a 4.77 MHz 8088-based } PC with 256 KB extended memory, two 8-inch floppy drives, a 300 } baud acoustic coupler, and a monochrome monitor, a Chevy Astro, } a compass that points South, a bottle of Drain-o, a true friend, } a map of Tucson, Arizona, with the town of Oracle highlighted } with a yellow highlighter, some more stuff, an Olympic silver } medal, a toboggan, launch codes for the Titan ICBMs, a breeding } pair of monarch butterfiles, and there's more, more than the } greatest love the world has known. } } You owe apologies to Stephen Wright, Douglas Adams, Judge Judy, } Jack Benney, Jack Black, Carnac, Walter Cronkite, Henny Youngman, } Judge Ito, Madonna's biographer, Dana Carvey, Will Rogers, Dick } Nixon, Chevy Chase, Socrates, your mother, the King, the Queen, } the Bishop, the Knight, the Rook, Milton Bradley, Jesus,the } public school system, most US Senators and some Representatives, } that guy you spit on at the game, over a billion Chinese, the } Pope (your choose which one), Harvey Wallbanger, Shirley Temple, } Goldie Hawn, Roseanne Rosannadanna, Norman Vincent Peal, Norman } Schwartzkoph, Norman Miller, Norman Mailer, Norman Peterson. } } Also to Norman Rockwell, Norman Lear, Tom Lehrer, Tom Cruz, } Princess Cruises, Princess Diana, Dianna Ross, Doctor Ross, } Doctor Oz, the Wizard of Oz, the Wizard of Wall Street, Wally } Bayola, Crayola Burnt Sienna, Sienna Miller, Norman Miller, } Norman Mailer, and, of course, your Oracle, Lisa, Og, and } Zadoc. } } You owe the Oracle* } } * Ibid --- 1527-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Cheese and rice, what was that for! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It is a euphemism, intended for the moment when you hit your thumb with } a hammer. Instead of yelling, "Jeeeezzuss Chriiist" (which would be } blasphemy) you instead yell cheese and rice. } } Your next problem is how to overcome the pain in your thumb. The } solution is to drop the hammer. It falls on your foot. You then ignore } the blasphemic problem, and not only yell the Name of Our Blessed Lord } And Saviour, but scream the added information that His middle initial } is H and that He is engaging in unspeakable acts beginning with the } letter F. } } At this point you are testing the very limits of the concepts of } Infinite Mercy and of Divine Retribution. Your faith in Cheese and } Rice, your prior Good Works, and your status as one of The Elect all } come into play, as the question of Salvation swirls about you as the } Whirlwind about Job. } } If you happen to be Buddhist instead of Christian, your Karma will } still be messed up, and you'll be headed off into a set of dreadful } reincarnations that you would be better off not knowing. The world's } various religions work more closely together than you could ever } imagine, even when you hear their proponents proclaiming the opposite. } (Such is the Mystery of religious mystery.) } } You owe the Oracle the power to resist telling the joke with the } punchline, "That was Zen, this is Tao." --- 1527-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > You want me to grovel? Oh, all right I guess. > > Ahem. > > PLEASE DON'T KILL ME! I'll do anything, anything! I'll > clean your bathrooms, I'll bathe your dog, I'll even walk > Zadoc! I'll stop flirting with Lisa, just DON'T HURT ME!!! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You've not met my dog.