From owner-oracle-archive@kinzler.com Thu Dec 11 09:01:25 2014 Return-Path: Delivered-To: oracle-distrib-6g8ZfSl@internetoracle.org Received: by kinzler.com (Postfix, from userid 65534) id 4074C10127F; Thu, 11 Dec 2014 09:01:25 -0500 (EST) To: oracle-list@internetoracle.org Subject: Internet Oracularities #1545 Reply-To: vote@internetoracle.org X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.kinzler.com/ftp/faces Message-Id: <20141211140125.4074C10127F@kinzler.com> Date: Thu, 11 Dec 2014 09:01:25 -0500 (EST) From: oracle-request@internetoracle.org (Internet Oracle) === 1545 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1545 Compiled-By: steve@kinzler.com (Steve Kinzler) Date: Thu, 11 Dec 2014 09:01:14 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to help@internetoracle.org, or go to http://internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1545 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1540 17 votes 25730 04760 18521 14660 15731 48311 32642 25622 13571 23345 1540 2.9 mean 2.6 3.1 2.6 3.0 2.9 2.2 3.0 2.8 3.2 3.4 --- 1545-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Might I recommend a more beautiful mustache? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dude, give it up. Nothing you can do is going to make Mitch McConnel } look less like a turtle. --- 1545-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most fantabulous, > > What are the top ten questions you've ever been asked. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Alas my child, in my many-millennia of existence, I have been asked } countless questions. I have been asked about the wonders of life, love } and how they might be intertwixed. I have been asked about the ghost } of McCarthy and the memories of Nixon (Mr. Waters was most perplexed). } I have been asked about hairballs and sealing wax and the sails of } schooners. } } Many were the queries regarding longevity and the true value of tined } wires. I have been asked about the question to the answer to the } meaning of life, the universe and everything so many times, I have a } separate website devoted to answering it! } } In fact, there have been only three questions that I have yet to be } asked. I'm looking forward to being asked these three questions, } because: } } A) I can finally fill my questions bingo card, and } B) I can then retire. } } So, without further ado and no more gilding of the lily, I present to } you the final three questions that I have never, ever been asked. } } 3. "Is the Ubangi pronunciation for sexual intercourse with a wombat } 'click ungwa toobi CLICK click,' or 'click ungwa toobi click CLICK?' } 2. "What, me worry?" } 1. "What the hell DOES Prince mean when he sings about Purple Rain? I } want to be able to raise MY hands too!" } } You owe the Oracle the answer to the above three questions. I mean, } seriously, what the hell IS purple rain? Do I really want to know?? --- 1545-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How can you be so clam all the time? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I spend my spare time (what there is of it) reading "The Virtue of } Shellfishness" by Any Rand. --- 1545-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Sorry, my mispelling in the previous version of this questoinwas wrong. > > Why is it that somewords in the English language are okay when > runtogether while some defiant elyare not? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because: } } "Phonetics" is not the study of why people gesticulate while talking to } someone who can't see them. } } "Cudgel" is not a lotion produced from a cow's stomach contents. } } "Cornet" does not mean "Wow! It's a fishing net!" } } "Banking" is not the battle-cry of those desiring their nation to } become a republic. } } "Subtext" is not a communication of 140 characters between underwater } vehicles. } } "Warlock" is not a method of preventing entry to an armoury. } } "Tornado" is not the fuss caused by ripping something. } } "Lime-scale" is not a very specific weighing machine. } } "Template" is not an unpunctual intern. } } "Sexton" is not a description of a philanderer's activities. } } You owe the Oracle a way to go back in time and remind the owners of } the web-sites "Pen Island" and "Experts Exchange" of the problems of } concatenating words. --- 1545-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Please explain the normative and regulative principles. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A normative principle is a claim as to something that the } claimant wishes were so, e.g. "The world would be a better place } if pain-in-the-ass supplicants would stop bothering me," or "The } world would be a better place if more supplicants would contact me } with interesting questions." The statement is subjective in nature } and cannot be proven nor disproven as it is essentially a statement } of opinion. } } The regulative principle is itself a normative principle since it } concerns what is proper with respect to public worship. Since the idea } of worship, filing requests before an unproven and unknown alleged } deity (as opposed to filing requests before a proven and known The } Oracle), the decision on what is proper in public prayer requires faith } in the existence of said deity to receive such prayers in the first } place, or why I speak to the Flying Spaghetti Monster and the Invisible } Pink Unicorn since I know them personally as opposed to praying to } them since I don't have to depend upon a faith and a belief in them. } } You owe The Oracle a bag of cement, so you may provide a concrete } example of your thanks. --- 1545-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rich The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Please tell me all about the new south whales. I need them for school. > I think they are in Austria. Or somewhere. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } They are at Buckingham Palace in England, where their King, the Prince } of Whales resides. Or they might be in the U.S. State of Minnesota, } where they have lots of places to swim, as they have 10,000 lakes. } } Just remember the motto from the 1980s: "Save the whales. Collect the } entire set." You owe The Oracle a map of Australia, where you'll find a } state called --- 1545-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Winners don't do drugs! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } And thus Madamme Herrplatzenferrigenharrer was stripped of her Nobel } prize for designing the breakthrough, side-effect free, innovative } chemotherapy. } } You owe the Oracle a squinty-shifty-shady eyed man in an overcoat on a } street corner. --- 1545-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > "Twas the night before Ormas, > When all through the 'net > Not a creature was stirring > Not even a marmot" > > That's where I'm stuck. I don't like the last line, it's a > bit clunky. Can you help me out here? It's all for you > anyways. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Twas the night before Ormas, on the information highway, } Not a creature was stirring, not even Sciuridae, } The click-bait was set in the margins just right, } In hopes that web-users would come to their site. } } User-sponsored websites were set-up, all smug, } In knowledge that users would not feel the bait's tug, } Wikipedia, Mozilla, FSF, too, } Had all had donations to keep their sites true. } } Then up in one browser there sprang such a clamour, } I shuffled through tabs to find the wrongdoer. } Through each open window I scrolled like a flash, } Scanning for gifs and vids run with Flash. } } Even articles raving on genius of Bach, } Could not distract me from sound of muzak. } Then on what should my wandering eyes now alight, } But a miniature vid advertising some tripe. } } With not a close button, and no visible mute, } I knew right away it must be click-bait, } Rapidly flashing pictures then came, } And they tugged, and they pulled, and called me, for shame! } } "It's shocking, it's bizarre, celebs and their tricks, } Doctors will hate this, have you seen Miley's knicks? } Earn money so quickly, and watch these girls fall. } Now click away! Click away! Click away all!" } } I sprang to web-settings, set a list of blocked sites, } And away they all went like extinguished lights. } And I loudly exclaimed, as they went out of sight, } "Quick browsing to all, and to ads a good-night!" --- 1545-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If a troll attacks me, and then makes fighting back easy, should I? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You will have to make a choice. The probability is about 1.2 that your } choice will be wrong, but that's because trolls are so untrustworthy. } Give a troll a blog, and you'll wish you hadn't. Keep the troll out of } your blog and he'll still be there. } } Trolls are best managed by lying to them. Tell your troll that another } billy goat, even fatter and more tasty than you, will be coming along } soon. --- 1545-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Try me! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Uh, thanks, but no thanks! } } I think I'll have the seared halibut instead.