From owner-oracle-archive@kinzler.com Thu Apr 7 15:58:55 2016 Return-Path: Delivered-To: oracle-distrib-8z2BcBl@internetoracle.org Received: by kinzler.com (Postfix, from userid 65534) id BB56E100546; Thu, 7 Apr 2016 15:58:54 -0400 (EDT) To: oracle-list@internetoracle.org Subject: Internet Oracularities #1562 Reply-To: vote@internetoracle.org X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.kinzler.com/ftp/faces Message-Id: <20160407195854.BB56E100546@kinzler.com> Date: Thu, 7 Apr 2016 15:58:54 -0400 (EDT) From: oracle-request@internetoracle.org (Internet Oracle) === 1562 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1562 Compiled-By: steve@kinzler.com (Steve Kinzler) Date: Thu, 07 Apr 2016 15:58:43 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to help@internetoracle.org, or go to http://internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1562 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1557 21 votes 10974 15744 26a30 17643 36435 31575 23772 14916 05178 38622 1557 3.2 mean 3.6 3.2 2.7 3.0 3.0 3.5 3.2 3.3 3.9 2.6 --- 1562-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I have a question regarding the questions of what's his name, Ronald > Bassoo, about immigration. Should we have an Open Door and allow > criminals and everybody in, or should we have a Closed Door and only > allow Selected Criminals? > > Besides, I have noticed a problem with our own Criminal Class. I don't > know where to go for the lessons. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Lock the door and only let the true Rogues through. } Hope they roll natural 20s. --- 1562-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rich The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > You are accordion invited to my birthday partly on Suddenly the 27th of > Martin at my horse on the cornet of Main Street and Forth Ave at three > o'clock in the aftermath. > > No birthday presence required. > > BYOC (bring your own cake). And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That's some bad spelling! Was I invited just by chants? --- 1562-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Benefits Of Joomla Web Development? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 1. It's not Wordpress. } 2. It's not Wordpress. } 3. It's not Wordpress. } 4. It's not Wordpress. } 5. It's not Wordpress. --- 1562-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Sid Dabster The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Quality Social Services to improve web presence > http://www.conversation-seo.in/social-media-package/ > > Unsubscribe Option available on the footer of our website And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Give me a minute... } } NO. DARTH VADER JUST CAN'T BE MY FATHER! } NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! COME ON CHEWY, TURN } ON THE HYPERDRIVE!!! } } Ok, so I'm back. } } Wait. I SWEAR, IF THIS IS DARTH VADER'S SPACE TELEMARKETER SERVICE } AGAIN, I WILL HOT GLUE YOU AND YOUR UNQUESTIONABLY LARGE NOSE TO THE } LASER OF THE DEATH STAR. } } By the way, I would like a cheese pizza with no pepperoni delivered to } the Millennium Falcon because Me and Chewbacca are starting to get } hungry. Just take the pizza to the Millennium Falcon on Tatooine. It's } parked near the Hyperdrive store. } } Sent from Luke Skywalker, in absence of The Internet Oracle, who is } taking a vacation to the planet of Naboo. --- 1562-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What are these two light switches in my house for? They don't seem to > do anything. Watch. > > See? Nothing happened! Did it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Don't use the first switch! This switch causes earthquakes in China. } You can use other switch as often as you like. It just shortens your } lifespan by 10 year every time you use it. See you soon! You own the } oracle a six pack of beer. Just bring it along. --- 1562-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: twchew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How can I get to be taller? I'm only 19yrs old so I still can grow > more I'm shure. I am very short for someone of my hight. > > I tryed eating lots of tall vegs like string beans and aspergas and > celry. > > My mother says stand up strait but that is too much trouble, so you > won't say that. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well saying 'stand up strait' seems like a lot less trouble than } coming up with another answer, but there you go. } } Anyway, you obviously want to get tall while laying on your back. } Replacing your veggie diet with McDonalds food should do the trick. --- 1562-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > In our Statistics class we were supposed to study Poisson > distributions. The professor gave us poison distributions by mistake > and half of us died. > > Should I have taken Physics for Poets instead? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Physicists } need } more poets } to name their new energies } new particles } new theories } new new new. } } Poets } need } more physicists } to find them new worlds } new microverses } new interactions } new knew new. } } BUT } watch out! } } When that newton-meter } Meets that poetic meter; } When that high energy particle } Meets that high energy prosody; } When the quantum scanning } Meets the quanta scansion; } } That rhythmical stress } can express } a forceful caress } that makes the Muse: murderess. --- 1562-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Other people have dogs that say, "Woof! Woof!" > > My dog says, "Bark! Bark!" > > What am I doing wrong? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ask him what's on top of the house, instead of what's on the outside of } a tree. --- 1562-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: twchew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > ADD is "Attention Deficit Disorder"; what is SUBTRACT? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Supplicants Unnecessarily Broaching Terrible Requests/Asserting } Crappy Topics --- 1562-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MVS Gmail The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Do I have an "I owe" error? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Certainly. I just executed your problem on an IBM 360/67 that I keep in } the attic and it says: } } IEH0000 UNABLE TO LOAD ERROR HANDLER. } } You owe IBM an error handler.