From owner-oracle-archive@kinzler.com Tue Jul 31 13:59:57 2018 Return-Path: Delivered-To: oracle-distrib-3k7WfBl@internetoracle.org Received: by kinzler.com (Postfix, from userid 65534) id 1E6C1100334; Tue, 31 Jul 2018 13:59:57 -0400 (EDT) To: oracle-list@internetoracle.org Subject: Internet Oracularities #1579 Reply-To: vote@internetoracle.org X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.kinzler.com/ftp/faces Message-Id: <20180731175957.1E6C1100334@kinzler.com> Date: Tue, 31 Jul 2018 13:59:57 -0400 (EDT) From: Internet Oracle === 1579 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1579 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Tue, 31 Jul 2018 13:59:45 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to help@internetoracle.org, or go to http://internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1579 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1574 11 votes 13610 02630 01622 02270 14240 03521 22331 04232 02450 01361 1574 3.2 mean 2.6 3.1 3.5 3.5 2.8 3.1 2.9 3.3 3.3 3.6 --- 1579-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Do I date to go to work tomorrow? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The workforce enforcement policies at your company, International } Ambiguity Corps(e)., are perfectly clear: "Employees who fail to show } up for work tomorrow are terminated yesterday." } } Take careful note of the restrictions in sub-paragraph B.3.a.j } regarding the International Dateline. If you are on the wrong side of } it all rights are reversed. --- 1579-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's the way to let a girl down easy? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Surprisingly, the use of a parachute is totally incorrect. For the } untrained, the parachute is not at all easy. Even if you stack } mattresses and pillows at the drop site, it'll be really hard (thuddd! } at about 15 miles per hour) if she misses the target. } } I'd recommend diversionary tactics. Buy her a horse. Yes, they are even } more dangerous than parachutes, but they totally absorb the mind. She } will think of nothing except her horse, and whatever you do next will } go totally unnoticed. } } Additionally, the horse will protect her from future encounters with } guys like you. Some self-centered fellow will say to himself, or even } aloud to his friends, "After she marries me she's gonna get rid of them } horses." Won't happen. Won't happen. Won't happen. } } Long term, the gal who dies with the most horses wins. } } You owe the Oracle a Triple Crown, or failing that, a case of Canadian } Crown. --- 1579-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I love poetry, so I wrote you a poem. Maybe you can write me one, two. > Here is my poem. > > Putting words in rhyme is what makes someone a poet. > So I am making the words here rhyme and you can't say you don't know it. > One of the best things about poetry is how you can say anything. > It just has to rhyme and be something you might sorta sing. > I could say something fake like the Oracle is useless > But you would know my words have no bite and are toothless. > Once I tried to make a rhyme for the color purple > But all I could find was orange. > Or silver. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You think doing this is what makes you a bard? } You can hardly believe it's not any more hard. } This isn't a Mad Lib with blanks you fill in. } Rhyming is basic, a pastime for children. } What makes the poem is the idea or feeling } or unique point of view the words are revealing. } From your example, the gist we can glean } is you think a poem is just words you don't mean. } Perhaps you'd be suited to top 40 pop, } rhyming "fly/sky/high" and some malaprop. } Maybe try something a little less amateur: } You owe me ten stanzas in trochaic octameter. --- 1579-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Please explain unclear power. I think it has something to do with > atoms but I can't see how it works. You will know better. Because you > know more than double. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That's because it's unclear how fission and fusion work - except to } those unclear scientists. They always misplace their glasses. --- 1579-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > My wife sent me upstairs to get the blue thing. I couldn't find it. She > yelled at me for being stupid. > > Later she said, "I found it!" > > It was downstairs, in the hall closet. It was green. I still don't > quite know what it is. > > I'm sure that even Omniscient Oracles have days like that. What do you > do about the problem? Describe, perhaps, a typical day of Oracular > Discord and Confusion. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You're right, even Oracles have to turn off their omniscience } occasionally. How could I find "You've been framed" funny when I knew } exactly what was going to go wrong? } } Actually, I don't find "You've Been Framed" funny even when I've } turned off my omniscience. If I wanted to laugh at people getting hurt } I'd ask Zadoc to fetch my supply of minced beef from the freezer } compartment in the shark tank. } } Anyway, last Tuesday, or was it last Tuesday, I'd finished a day of } answering supplicants' questions, turned off my omniscience, and was } settling down to watch the remake of Groundhog Day 2, when Lisa came } to ask me a question. I immediately told her that I hadn't seen her } lipstick since I'd suggested that Zadoc's attempts to improve his } musical range by strangling a succession of cats in increasingly } larger showers were as likely to succeed as putting lipstick on a pig. } That evening, I'd been presented with a plate of vegan cheese and } chick-pea couscous instead of my usual sausage and mash, and startled } grunts and oinks were to be heard from the basement. } } Anyway, it turned out that lipstick was the least of Lisa's problems, } as Kendai had been trying to make himself omniscient by taking all the } labels off the tins in the kitchen cupboard and predicting what was in } each of them by licking them. Lisa was annoyed that Kendai had served } up fruit salad and cat food for dinner, followed by soup and } alphabetti spaghetti for dessert. } } So, Lisa asked me if I could prepare dinner instead. I told her that } would be rather difficult as I couldn't remember my } Lidl/Sainsbury's/Waitrose online shopping password (delete as } applicable, depending on what class you think the Oracle is), and } neither Alexa nor Siri were talking to me since I'd installed Cortana } on our fridge. Cortana wasn't talking to me because I'd not installed } the latest update. } } Eventually, however, we sorted everything out by making Kendai and } Zadoc eat everything that didn't constitute some form of sensible } meal. } } Anyway, that evening, I found a slightly deranged looking pig } wandering about on the landing, wearing a tutu and covered in lipstick } from neck to toe. Zadoc swore blind that he didn't know where the pig } could have come from. Lisa had to explain to him about the facts of } life, and what happens when a mummy pig and a daddy pig love each } other very much. Strange whimpering sounds can now be heard from } Zadoc's bathroom, and I don't think it's the cats. } } Sorry, what was the question again? } } You owe the Oracle a reminder of why he tied a knot in his } handkerchief this morning, and the notepad he keeps by his bedside. I } think it has the Oracular omniscience control sequence on it. --- 1579-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > My teacher says science uses the Metric System with millilitters and > millimeters. She says if something doesn't have them it isn't > scientific. No inches or pounds. I asked her if Newton was a scientist. > And she said of coarse. > > So I quoted to her from Newton's Opticks: > > Exper. 16. The Lens which I used in the second and eighth Experiments, > being placed six Feet and an Inch distant from any Object, collected > the Species of that Object by the mean refrangible Rays at the distance > of six Feet and an Inch from the Lens on the other side. And therefore > by the foregoing Rule, it ought to collect the Species of that Object > by the least refrangible Rays at the distance of six Feet and 3-2/3 > Inches from the Lens, and by the most refrangible ones at the distance > of five Feet and 10-1/3 Inches from it: So that between the two Places, > where these least and most refrangible Rays collect the Species, there > may be the distance of about 5-1/3 Inches. For by that Rule, as six > Feet and an Inch (the distance of the Lens from the lucid Object) is to > twelve Feet and two Inches (the distance of the lucid Object from the > Focus of the mean refrangible Rays) that is, as One is to Two; so is > the 27-1/2th Part of six Feet and an Inch (the distance between the > Lens and the same Focus) to the distance between the Focus of the most > refrangible Rays and the Focus of the least refrangible ones, which is > therefore 5-17/55 Inches, that is very nearly 5-1/3 Inches. > > Her eyes became narrow slits and her breath rate increased. She said, > "What are you trying to do to me? I'll bet your father voted for Donald > Trump, too. He doesn't know anything. Get out! Do not enter my > classroom again!" > > Does this mean I don't have to go to school anymore? Oh, and my father > voted for Donald Duck. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Remember that Newton not only invented gravity, lenses, and the idea } of being surprised by Granny Smith dropping suddenly from a tree. He } was also an alchemist, a misogynist, a Christian heretic, and spent } much of his spare time playing on a beach with pebbles. } } He also had two birthdays, one on Christmas Day, and one on 4th } January the following year. In this respect he was much like the } Queen. Like the Queen, he made use of imperial measures (such as the } length of the Queen's favourite corgi, the length of time before } Prince Philip makes a racist comment when meeting a foreign leader, } and the volume of gin the late Queen Mother got through before } breakfast). } } Newton was also Master of the Royal Mint. In later years, Prince } Charles mastered the Polo. } } Isaac had an enduring interest in the Och-cult, a Scottish religion } mostly interested in avoiding fruit. } } He was a fellow of Trinity College, Cambridge, despite being an } Anti-Trinitarian. Whether this meant that he had a nephew at Trinity, } or was secretly a member of St John's College, we do not know. } } It is said that he dyed a virgin. For what purpose, or indeed what } colour, we can only speculate. We do know, though, that he self } identified as a Newtonian vicious gender-fluid. } } Anyway, your father voted for Donald Duck? I voted for Hilary Benn. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of Newton's Optical Lectures, a study of } performing surgery by tickling the patient. --- 1579-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If I think I'm understanding you correctly you said I have to talk the > walk and walk the talk. > > Now that's not making any sense to me, but I'll just sort of wing it, > and believe that you know what you are saying. I sure don't. > > Do you mean that I have to chew gum at the same time? > > This is getting to be, well, you know, like something. Was I supposed > to drank the Kool-Aid? > > What the hell was in it? I feel all funny. And not funny ha-ha, > neither. > > Now I'm tiring to walk, and going everywhere. I mean trying not tiring. > Help me please while I collapse in a heap over there by the doorway > that says ORACULAR BOTTOMLESS BROOM CLOSET. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } As much wood as a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck } wood. --- 1579-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > My job is to sell insurance to people who can't afford it. I am > terrible at it, always being kind and sympathetic, but never closing > any sales. My boss said I'll be fired if I don't grow a pear. > > I know it doesn't seem to make sense, but apparently I will need advice > on planting fruit trees. > > Thank you for understanding. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The problem isn't growing pears, but rather growing but one pear. Once } a single pear has grown you will have to choose between fullfilling } your quest to grow a single pear and growing a pair of pears, which } simply wouldn't do. I suggest you grow a pear and tell your boss } to get his own. After that maybe you can start a new career as an } arborist.You owe the oracle a partridge --- 1579-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I just chose my own adventure. Now what should I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } And a good adventure it was. Modeled after a real cave by real cavers, } the ADVENT program was written in (ghoddd help us) Fortran for } portability. Look at the source code some day. It is exemplary use of a } language otherwise not suited to the task. } } You owe the Oracle a magic word. No, no, not THAT magic word. The other } one. And some orange smoke, too. I seem to be out of orange smoke. --- 1579-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Okay, Artificial Intelligence I understand. No, that's wrong. I don't. > > I have heard of it, but I don't believe it. > > What would really impress me is artificial stupidity. > > Where can I find examples? (Finding the real kind is trivial.) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Artificial stupidity is most frequently encountered in politics and } diplomacy, when there is some political advantage to be gained by } denying an obvious truth or by adhering to an obvious falsehood. } This is not to suggest that there are no politicians or diplomats } who are conventionally stupid. Indeed the most intelligent and cagy } individuals with a deep understanding of the issues are the ones most } likely to present artificial stupidity when it is in their interest } to do so. } } For example, imagine a large organization with many members which } exists to promote and develop the use of a certain category of product. } The product in question may be useful and enjoyable when used properly } and have a number of legitimate applications. But it can be lethal } when misused. Perhaps a child may get access to one, or someone with } fell intent may deliberately misuse it. } } An intelligent person might realize that some form for safety } regulation might be in order. Perhaps one might need to participate } in a safety class before being allowed to purchase this product. } Perhaps ownership might require registration and a certain level } of insurance. } } The organization knows that these measures would reduce the incidence } of injuries and fatalities, but they might also reduce the sales } of the product and the attendant profits. Many of their leadership } have some connection with manufacturers of the product. While they } are nonprofit, they have quite a bit of money at their disposal. } They use this money to support politicians who will oppose regulations } they dislike. } } The politicians who receive these donations have access to the same } science and analysis as anyone else. But that money is very tempting. } } So despite overwhelming consensus of experts who deal with the } consequences of product use gone horribly wrong, the politicians } will pretend that the problem cannot be solved by regulation, } that regulation would be an undue burden on personal freedom, etc. } This stupidity is entirely artificial. They know better. But they } are paid to act dumb. } } And this is why it took so long to get seat belts in automobiles.