From owner-oracle-archive@kinzler.com Mon Jul 29 12:35:53 2019 Return-Path: Delivered-To: oracle-distrib-8b7ZrBl@internetoracle.org Received: by kinzler.com (Postfix, from userid 65534) id 22D9510049E; Mon, 29 Jul 2019 12:35:53 -0400 (EDT) To: oracle-list@internetoracle.org Subject: Internet Oracularities #1585 Reply-To: vote@internetoracle.org X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.kinzler.com/ftp/faces Message-Id: <20190729163553.22D9510049E@kinzler.com> Date: Mon, 29 Jul 2019 12:35:53 -0400 (EDT) From: Internet Oracle === 1585 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1585 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 29 Jul 2019 12:35:41 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to help@internetoracle.org, or go to http://internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1585 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1580 12 votes 20451 06321 03423 11361 11523 15141 12252 11532 10326 10263 1580 3.4 mean 3.2 2.8 3.4 3.4 3.4 2.9 3.4 3.3 4.0 3.8 --- 1585-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, whose procrastination is infinitesimal, for whom time woulds > all heels, please tell this humble suppliant: > > If I could walk five hundred miles, and I could walk five hundred more, > just to see a man who walks a thousand miles to fall down at your > door... what would you do? > > I look forward in earnest to your Proclaimerttion.. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You did walk a thousand miles and many more. Think about it. You walk } every day, just getting up in the morning and heading to the loo } (that's 30 steps at least) and going to the kitchen to find something } to eat you'll walk 50 steps more. If all you do that day is go and lie } down on the sofa until it's time for bed, you'll still have walked } another 120 steps, for a total of 200 steps in a day. } } Ten days of that is a mile. } } Ten thousand days (less than 30 years) is 1000 miles. } } Given that you must be doing more than eating and sleeping, you are } walking far more than my estimate. } } Wait a minute, you're that supplicant who lives with his mother, never } gets out of bed, and weighs 54 stone. That's 756 pounds. You cannot } walk anywhere. The Oracle owes you a fork lift and a Sikorsky Sky Crane } so you can get out and see the world. --- 1585-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > They are all going to die, so I might as well kill them now. Which > signal is better, kill -9 or kill -15? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In a landmark ruling, Mr RoboJustice SetIX61@q sentenced Ethan } Bartwinkle to life imprisonment for cruelty to processes. "He gave them } no warning", he said, " mowing them down with a heartless kill -9. He } should have given them a chance to defend themselves by using kill } -15". } } The League against Cruel Sysadmins said in a statement that any killing } of processes, even zombie ones, was a crime against affinity, and } called for virtual machines to be set up where unwanted processes could } live out their days until they ran out of memory and succumbed to the } great OOM. } } In late breaking news, an activist from Programmers for Ethical Thread } Appraisal dropped a fork bomb outside the court, causing the } surrounding streets to be overrun by rogue processes. } } You owe the Oracle a non-theistic explanation of where the first init } process came from. --- 1585-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The votes are in, and the latest Oracularities have been decided and > ranked. (Some of them are very rank!) Somehow I (me, myself, > personally) (parenthetically known both as Suppy and as "Anonymous > Incarnation Alpha") have received top honors for 87 out the the ten > Oracularities. Although > I am beside myself with joy, I am also profoundly disturbed. I have > always been regarded as profoundly disturbed, though, so that's nothing > new. What I need to know is what sort of mathematical error could have > me contributing more than ten supplications and ten incarnations. The > total cannot be more than twenty, and that would be if I had answered > all my own questions, which I probably did not. But there it is, 87! > > Wait a minute, I did not mean 87!, which is the factorial, and is more > than equal to 2.107757e+132, but instead just the number 87. > > What sort of arithmetic morass have I stepped into, where numbers are > substantially exceeding their own limits? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Numbers are tricky little blighters. Controlling them takes years of } training and complete and utter dedication to the cause, which } explains why mathematicians are a-social loners who, if confronted } with a shower, would wonder why it was raining indoors, shortly after } having it explained to them what "outdoors" and "rain" are. } } Different numbers require different techniques to stalk. } } For example, integers are fairly spaced out, like 1970s hippies, and } are therefore typically gambol in fields near stone-circles. They are } usually trapped by being asked why they are opposed to nuclear power } when their beloved Sun uses it all the time. } } Rational numbers are anything but. They jump around and change form } when you're not looking. Why else would 7/4 be the same as 14/8? They } are usually trapped by being forced to watch daytime television, as } that appeals to the lowest common denominator in them. } } Irrational numbers are incredibly long-winded, and a terrible bore at } parties. There are a few celebrities, like pi, e, and that weird one } that lets you prove there are uncountably many reals. However, most of } them are like Instagram celebrities: pop up briefly in one exam } question, get talked about in great detail for 3 days after the exam, } and then immediately forgotten by everyone except a few die-hard } fanatics. } The best way to trap a real number is not look at it too closely, and } hope some physical constant turns out to be equal to it. This confuses } them, as most real numbers aren't really significant. } } Complex numbers are the hardest of all. Part of them is real, but the } rest is imaginary, so you think you're trying to trap a real number } but it then claims to be a walrus-baiting chipmunk with the ability to } juggle alligators. The best way to trap them is to run rings about } them and turn them into a simple pole. [ Tasteless joke conflating } poles with Poles and mentioning Hitler removed. - Ed. ] } } You owe the Oracle a way of trapping those slippery quaternions, the } over-achievers of the number-world with as much connection to the real } world as a home-schooled toadstool that has subsumed other, more } poisonous toadstools, had absinthe dribbled on it, and is now } convinced it is the Emperor of Mars. --- 1585-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The "Vulgate" Latin version of the Bible is written in Vulgarian, of > course. How does that relate to the vulgarities spoken at family > gatherings by my cousin Prunella? Should she study Latin so that we > would not be able to understand her? Oh, and did the Vulgarians of old > ever bathe? Prunella certainly does not. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } My answer here Oracular } Concerns the old vernacular } While thought to be quotidian } It trod a fine meridian. } } This Vulgar Latin's thought } To be spoken, more than taught } more formally. And so } For prayer it is no go. } } Stick to the KJV } And you'll have no probs, you see? } Good English as is spoke } By God Himself (nice bloke!) } } Prunella, extempore } May speak in tongues quite boory } That were never in the scripture } But that's quite another story. } } My recipe lavatorial: } You need to wash her mouth and all } In soap until her tongue is apt. Is } trivial to become a baptist. } } The oaths must take a bath, it seems } You need to scrub her till she gleams } Wash her hair and clean her teeth } And all the fun bits underneath } } Wash the rest of her as well } E'en she d--'s you all to Hell: } She'll feel much better, so will you } When next you have to share a pew. } } You owe the Oracle an elaborately carved pulpit. --- 1585-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Need to learn about the element Nargon, which is Argon but made > entirely of anti-particules. I think it is anti-inert. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Nargon is indeed one of the six ignoble gases, the others being } Neilium, Minion, Obvion, Lennon and the radioinactive Nadron. Like all } ignoble gases, it reacts passive-aggressively to most things, and has a } very short shelf-life. } } The ertness of ignoble gases is well established except under normal } conditions. They are usually obtained out of thin air, the by products } usually being politicians' promises and free money. Argon lamps, at the } end of their lives, convert the argon to nargon which is why the lamp } becomes dark. } } When inhaled in sufficient quantities Nargon is hallucinogenic or so } my mate the three eyed ha ha ha ha sorry the three eyed green spotted } pink ha ha ha ha ha ha sorry ha ha ha ha. } } You owe the Oracle a tabular period. --- 1585-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > My dad says he does everything asbestos he can. Doesn't radiation from > asbestos cause Cancer or maybe Saggatarius? Please Orrosplain. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Absestos doesn't emit radiation. When it breaks down into a fine } powder, it can be inhaled and cause asbestosis, a lung disease. This is } often fatal but is not carcinogenic. But if you die of it, it can take } up to six months to cremate you. } } You owe the Oracle an iron lung. --- 1585-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Are you blind, or am I invisible? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Bloomington 911 Media Report: } 07/22 04:15 PM Pete Ellis Dr: } Badly injured man picked up from women's shower at Monroe County } Martial Arts. Suspect, identified as T.I. Supplicant, claimed that } some entity known as 'The Oracle' convinced him he could safely enter. } Charges pending. --- 1585-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why are your supplicarnts so ingorant? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Excellent vocabulary there supplicant. 'ingorant' is, as you know, the } ancient Anglo-Saxon word for 'having a strong odour under the arms and } around the groin area'. This is, as you have noticed, widespread, nay, } universal, among my supplicants. } } You touch on a major movement forming in our society. The personal } grooming denialists. Or, 'anti-soapers' as they are often described. } } Their theories go like this: They claim that there is a conspiracy } among scientists to say that daily washing is an effective strategy to } reduce body odour and prevent crustiness of the skin and matting of } the hair. These scientists have clearly been bought off by 'Big } Toiletries', an industry worth billions of dollars a year. } } Furthermore, according to the anti-soap movement, soaps contain highly } poisonous ingredients. In an experiment that the Big Toiletries } sponsored scientific journals refused to publish, laboratory mice were } buried under ten feet of lye. Upon returning a week later, every } single mouse was dead. You have been warned. } } Then there was the landmark study by British pediatrician Dr. Grinzlo } Banaoffee, who found that every child, that he'd seen in his } backstreet clinic out the back of his hair-dressers and illegal } casino, who suffered from the sniffles had at some time been within } thirty metres of a bar of soap. Dr Banaoffee was strenuously opposed } by the Big Toiletries funded medical establishment, struck off, and } banned from cutting the hair of any mammal larger than a squirrel. His } research was criticised for 'base-rate neglect' or some other weird } term that scientists use that commentators on Reddit don't understand } and hence can safely discredit. Dr Banaoffee has since moved to the US } where he is lionised by the anti-spoapers community and has since } bought Gene Simmons' old Hollywood home from their donations. } } Anti-soapers content that the body will naturally cleanse itself } without any need to resort to unnatural substances such as water. } You'll notice that many of my supplicants leave a trail of dried skin } and other dirt behind as they walk, and if they sit too long in a } chair there tends to be a stain. This is the body's natural } self-cleansing in action. Anti-soapers believe in hurrying this } process, so will have 'dirt parties' where relatively clean } anti-soapers will remove their clothes and rub themselves against } similarly naked more established members to share dirt and kick-start } the process. Strangely enough, however, it tends to be the elder male } established members who suggest this strategy to the younger female } initiates. } } As I'm sure you're now utterly convinced by all the unsourced } emotional rhetoric in my answer, I'll point you to youtube, where } you'll find ample videos of angry-looking people who don't blink } during 47-minute videos explaining the anti-soap movement's tenets and } warning of the dangers of Big Toiletries. Don't look in the scientific } literature; I hope that you'll be much more open-minded than that, and } restrict yourself to online postings by people with no qualifications. } } You owe The Oracle five bards of soap, some shaving cream, eight boxes } of anti-bacterial wet wipes, and a loofah. Not that I'm going to use } them myself, they'll just be props for my next anti-soaper youtube } video. Of course they are. --- 1585-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The moon is, of course, waning gibbous, and not as my foolish bother in > law told you, "raining gibbons". > > Why do you answer his questions? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well yes, your brother-in-law does appear foolish, but this is a } clever front so that you won't suspect exactly how clever he is. } } Let's consider what he appears to have done from your perspective and } what he's actually done. } } He's lost the last 20 games of poker to you, and is down over $300. } However, he's now got you exactly where he wants you, and will make a } suggestion of raising the stakes next game, which you will immediately } agree to. } } You may have noticed that your sister has become remarkably placid } recently and that she never blinks. He's cleverly replaced your sister } with a lifelike android replica that he made from two months of } non-recyclable garbage. He sold your real sister to a Russian } submarine crew. } } He's invented the first ever penis enlargement contraption that } actually works. But, cleverly realising that there's no competitive } advantage if everyone can enlarge, he's kept it a secret for his own } use only. By the way, that explains those mechanical and compressed } air sounds you heard from his bedroom the last time you stayed over. } } And finally he's in the last stages of developing the world's best } cryptocurrency. It will be such a hit with the punters that all } national currencies and existing cryptocurrencies will become } worthless, as everyone insists on using brother-in-law-coin (BILC) for } all transactions. Untill the day that he activates his trapdoor and } all BILC in the word immediately transfer themselves to his wallet. } You may have noticed that he's acquired a furry white cat and sits } there petting it like a Bond villain, but no anachronistic secret } agent is going to be able to save the world from your brother-in-law. } } You owe The Oracle your brother-in-law. Just imagine what I could get } done with him on the team. --- 1585-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > My folks are sending me to Camp Jejune this summer. They think I won't > notice. Will I hate it, or is it just awful? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Camp Jejune instead of Camp Lejune? They may be telling you something } oh naive one. } } Just think yourself lucky that you weren't sent to one of these camps: } } Camp Mud - often photos of active kids at the camp show them enjoying } outdoor activities and caked in mud. Camp Mud takes this to the } extreme by flooding the entire camp with soft mud up to neck height. } Makes it hard to carry out day to day tasks like eating, sleeping, and } bodily functions, but the photos of kids at the camp are muddier than } any other. } } Camp Ultra-Vegan - at this camp, it's not just a matter of vegan food, } but taking it to its logical conclusion. Everybody eats grass. As we } can't digest cellulose, that means that all participants sit around } all day chewing, and chewing, and chewing morning to night. Kids also } return from this camp having turned a delicate shade of green due to } the diet. } } Camp Trump - this is an offshoot of Trump University. It's the } bigliest camp in the world loved by everyone around the world. Trouble } is, when you get there it's just a few run-down huts in the forest and } there aren't any counsellers. Oh, and your parents, if they paid by } card, will notice multiple unexplained charges on those cards. } } You owe The Oracle 50 press-ups. NOW, SUPPLICANT! FASTER,. FASTER!!!