From owner-oracle-archive@kinzler.com Thu Jul 23 08:03:26 2020 Return-Path: Delivered-To: oracle-distrib-2b2WyBl@internetoracle.org Received: by kinzler.com (Postfix, from userid 65534) id 3AAC6100328; Thu, 23 Jul 2020 08:03:25 -0400 (EDT) To: oracle-list@internetoracle.org Subject: Internet Oracularities #1590 Reply-To: vote@internetoracle.org X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.kinzler.com/ftp/faces Message-Id: <20200723120325.3AAC6100328@kinzler.com> Date: Thu, 23 Jul 2020 08:03:25 -0400 (EDT) From: Internet Oracle === 1590 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1590 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Thu, 23 Jul 2020 08:03:13 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to help@internetoracle.org, or go to http://internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1590 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1585 12 votes 21621 00561 00174 11163 01173 03432 01344 02334 00453 01461 1585 3.7 mean 2.9 3.7 4.2 3.8 4.0 3.3 3.9 3.8 3.9 3.6 --- 1590-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Gotta do a report of "The Planes of Abraham." So I was gonna write > about "The Pilots of The Planes of Abraham." But Google (stupidly my > first choice, shoulda asked you first) can't find anything about them. > > Please fill me up with appropriate information. Or misinformation as > long as it looks good. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Around 1759 (just before the 6 o'clock news), the French and the } American Indians decided that they needed to have a brief war to } decide which of them hated the British more. Canada, never known for } being impolite, allowed them to have the battle in their property, so } that they wouldn't mess up their own countries. } } The Planes of Abraham were chosen for this as Abraham Martin was known } for piloting rivers in the area, and had famously diverted the Saint } Lawrence Llewelyn-Bowen River in to do a spot of cleaning. } Llewelyn-Bowen is best known for his motto, "If an entire river won't } shift a blood-stain, then why did Lady Macbeth go on and on about } scrubbing her hands clean with a halibut?" } } There has been some historical confusion about whether the area was } called "Planes" or "Plains" but remember that in 1750, the Right-On } Brothers had created the first aqua-plane (or, in French, 'plat-eau') } and flew it off the nearby Heights of Martin (5 foot, 10 inches, in } high-heels). } } Just as the French and Indians were starting their battle, the British } turned up (if there's a war on, the British are always there first, } preemptively picking up the nearest archeological artifacts to protect } them from the foreigners whose only claim to them is that their } ancestors only put them down 10 minutes ago). The British had only } just incorporated Scotland into their ranks, so were spoiling for a } fight more than usual. (Where, 'spoiling for a fight' means that they } would spoil a fight by not keeping with the traditional sense of } English fair-play in letting the other side think they're about to win } before obliterating them with a particularly sharp nuclear weapon.) } } Anyway, the British had brought a herd of musk-rats with them and } these had been trained to attack the French. (Not difficult, the } French have a peculiar musky odour to which musk-rats are attracted.) } The battle was over in 30 minutes, although everyone then spent the } next 7 years fighting over who had actually won. } } In the centuries following the battle, plaques were put up all over } the area, making much work for the local dentists. A series of stamps } was also commissioned, in honour of the number of times General Wolfe } had to put his foot down. } } I hope that helps with your report. If there are any errors, please } refer them to the Society for Historical Inaccuracies and Things. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of "Who's afraid of General Wolfe", by Minor --- 1590-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is it that almost everything in any universe can be explained by a > one-liner from "Rocky and Bullwinkle" or by the Coyote's version of > physics? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Now here's something I hope you'll really like: } } SHERMAN: What year are we going to today, Mr. Peabody? } } PEABODY: We're going to the Congressional hearings on children's } television programming in 1952. } } SHERMAN: Okay, here we go! } } <> } } PEABODY: Here we see congress writing a bill that will require all } children's programming to have at least 6 bits of educational } information per half hour show. } } SHERMAN: Won't that make cartoons boring? } } PEABODY: Not really. Besides, if it weren't for that law we wouldn't } exist. } } [CHUGGITY-CHUGGITY-CHUG!] } } PEABODY: Oh, no! The Wayback machine is running out of nuclear fuel. We } have to go to Three Mile Island 1978, where a shipment of uranium is } coming in. } } <> } } PEABODY: Here we are inside the truck } } } } BRIAN: Who are you two? } } STEWIE: What the deuce? } } } } MR. TWEEDLEY: Stewie, this program goes into the homes. We don't want } to be a bad influence on children. Please rephrase your last statement. } } STEWIE: Thank you Mr. Tweedley. } STEWIE: What in the world? } } MR. TWEEDLEY: Very nice. } } BRIAN: It looks like we're all here for the same thing. Let's just get } the fuel and get out } } PEABODY: Good idea. We need to foray into Jay Ward productions to show } the supplicant what is going on. } } <> } } PEABODY: See these scripts? Every red mark was made by someone the } likes of Mr. Tweedley. Bullwinkle has the tendency to oversimplify so } the kids can learn new words. William Conrad announces that Bullwinkle } will become buoyant, then Bullwinkle chimes in, "And I can float, } too!". See what I mean? } } SHERMAN: Gee, Mr. Peabody, I never knew you could learn so much from } cartoons. } } PEABODY: And all thanks to Congress. } } SHERMAN: But how did they get that bill to pass? } } PEABODY: That's another cartoon franchise all together. You can watch } the video on YouTube. } } You owe the Oracle } } URANIUM PELLETS } } -OR- } } FISSION CHIPS --- 1590-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > We are off into RC Fantasyland again. We got home from the Church > service, and ... > > ... hold on, wait a minute. First some background. > > My wife went shopping for some groceries. Inadvertently, perhaps with > your unrehearsed help, I had written "paper towels" incorrectly, and > the grocery list instead showed "papal towers." > > Now, in our back yard, right there next to the maple tree, is a papal > tower. The Pope himself is in it, but what's this? He's speaking > Latin. As if there was never a Vatican II Conclave getting rid of the > Latin Mass. It sounds like he is holding his nose and chanting, "I can > play dominoes better than you can play dominoes." > > Can it be? Isn't that Richard Cardinal Cushing? Didn't he die in 1970? > How did he ever get to be Pope? > > What universe am I in, anyways? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You're in a most un-Orthodox universe. } } In your universe, the Greek Orthodox Church won the Synod of Whitby } and defined Easter to be the day after the first hellebore (Greek } mining equipment) blooms. The lingua franca of the Church is therefore } Greek. } } However (Laus Deo / Louse Dado) the Roman Church started roamin' away } from Italy, and eventually followed the well-known invader and } pear-enthusiast Christopher Columbus to the Disunited State of } America. In order to maintain their distance from the Greeks, the } Romans built a whole new continent called Mid-Atlantica to go between } Europe (named after the Greek god Europa) and America (named after the } spicy Roman/Yorkshire god T'Urmeric). } } Thus, the papal tower that your wife has found is evidence that the } Latin church is still strong in these parts. Richard Cushing (not to } be confused with Dick Cushion, husband of Ann Summers) is actually } chanting, "Timeo Daneos" over and over, to demonstrate his opposition } to the Greek Church. } } What you must not do, under any circumstances, is mention any Greek } words to him at all. Democracy is not allowed, and neither is } television, nor dinosaurs. Fortunately you live in the DSA so that } won't be hard. } } You owe the Oracle a return to The One True Faith in the Sun (Solar } Fide). --- 1590-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Please tell me about the Unmentionable people. I think they live in a > far-off place, near where they also die. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } (From Wikipedia: Unmentionistan) } } Unmentionistan is a small place hidden underneath Oman. O man is an } island, entire of itself. } } The Unmentionistanis speak mostly in tongues. The daily diet is richer } than that of Oman's, since Oman can live on bread alone. } } No Unmentionistanis have ever been known to die, so the question is } moot. } } Travel to and from Unmentionistan is strictly optional. } } You owe the Oracle a one-way ticket. --- 1590-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Some answer shop you run here. I ask questions, just about everything a > supplicant could ask for, and you think up all the answers. > > Then like an idiot which you of course aren't, you hand these questions > off to TRULY IDIOTIC AND LAZY incarnations for completion. Maybe Zadoc > or even a few of your disemboweled woodchucks could do a better job > than the whole raft of them! I mean, the questions arrive at the > incarnations' doorsteps with the answer, in larval form, just waiting > to be attached to an electronic mail and sent forth. What's the > problem? Are your incarnations running CP/CMS on System 360 computers? > Or even worse, in batch, from punched cards? What is wrong over there? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I feel your question is somewhat unfair to Zadoc and (dare I say it) } the woodchucks, even in their disemboweled state. I append below some } staff reviews of my more intelligent incarnations: } } Re Mr Alan Dishcloth (327 PigSty Lane, Londinium - 70 C.E.): } One supplicant has stated that their Oracular response from Mr } Dishcloth arrived 3 weeks late, covered in blood. Mr Dishcloth's } excuse was that this was caused by an inauspicious nosebleed. } Apparently he attached the response to his pet cat for safe delivery. } The cat then tried to leave through the front door, not realising that } it did not feature a cat-flap. It sustained a nosebleed over the } letter and was confined to its bed for 18 days to recover. This would } be more of a comment on the cat than Mr Dishcloth if it were not for } the fact that the front door was not on its hinges at the time, and Mr } Dishcloth was training the cat to run at the door in readiness for } when Sir Isaac Newton would eventually get round to inventing the cat } flap in 1687. } } Re Madame Pinthauser (Middle of the Road, Paris - 1794 C.E. - 180 } degrees through the French Revolution): } Madame Pinthauser's responses frequently fail to arrive at all. The } method of communication is via members of the French nobility. As } Madame Pinthauser lives with Monsieur Guillotine, this can prove } somewhat fatal to the carriers. To be fair to Madame Pinthauser, she } usually remembers to ask them for the message, but this is usually } shortly after their heads have been cut off. } } Re Dr Amadeus Fishbowl (FitzTurkey Strasse, Berlin - 1895 C.E.) } Although responses sent via Dr Fishbowl arrive promptly, they are } usually unintelligible. Upon enquiry, it turns out that Dr Fishbowl } has invented his own language (Bowlees) into which he translates the } messages (to avoid them falling into the wrong hands). The only } surviving dictionary for Bowlees is in the lost luggage office at } Beijing railway station, after Dr Fishbowl mistakenly picked up a } pygmy hippopotamus instead of his overnight bag when returning to } Berlin in 1891. } } Although matters have improved somewhat in recent years, many of my } incarnations have somewhat dated computer systems, as you surmised, } and the one forwarding this message is no exception. I believe that he } is currently using IPv1, and will therefore forward the email to Tim } Berners-Lee's home-computer, in the hope that Sir Timothy knows you } personally. } } You owe the Oracle three thousand copies of the route-map of the } entire Internet, drawn in wax-crayon. --- 1590-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joe Banks The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hit it, Romeo! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo? } Deny thy father and refuse thy name; } Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love, } And I'll no longer be a Capulet." } } Some people think the "wherefore" means "where" as if Romeo were lost. } Actually Juliet is complaining, and asking why can't Romeo be something } other a Montague. } } Surely you know all that already, even though you are a lowly } supplicant. } } You owe the Oracle some story from the West Side. --- 1590-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I am creating the Ultimate Autocorrector for Spelling. Only one > task remains uncomplete. Which of these did my victim intend: > a. Naval Observatory Time > b. Navel Observatory Time > 3. Nasal Observatory Time And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Surely, you mean which two did your victim NOT intend, then you must } perm one of the two. } } To cover awl your basis, I suggest the following auto-coercions: } } a. Green Witches Meant I'm } b. Omphaloskepsis } c. Rhinomeridian } } You owe the Oracle the sorrows. --- 1590-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where are you with the Dunning-Kruger effect? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I have the inverse, which is the Imposter Syndrome. I can't half } believe how damn good I am, especially at Omniscience. I must be faking } it, but I don't think I'll ever know for sure. --- 1590-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's the right way to pray? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Some are predators and some are prey. Think of squirrels. Their evolved } strategy for avoiding capture is to zig-zag when approached, so that } the predator becomes confused. In recent times the major predator of } the Urban Squirrel is not, as you might imagine, Tom Lehrer with his } bag of poison peanuts for pigeons. Instead it is the automobile. } } The modern Darwinian squirrel does not zig-zag in the middle of the } road. Instead he boldly dashes from the one side to the other. } } Thus your prayer should be done quickly and straightforwardly. Not in } this leisurely style: } } "Hail Mary full of Grace, } the Lord is with thee. } Blessed are thou among women } and blessed is the fruit of } thy womb Jesus. } } Holy Mary Mother of God, } pray for us sinners now } and at the hour of our death. } Amen." } } But like this: } } "HailMaryfullofGracetheLordiswiththeeBlessedarethouamongwomenandblessed } isthefruitofthywombJesusHolyMaryMotherofGodprayforussinnersnowandatthe } hourofourdeath." } "Amen." --- 1590-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > So the weather forecast (NOT "forcats" like my buddy Hugh the Chronic > Misspeller writes) is for winds from the south at 0 (zero) miles per > hour. > > Two questions: > > 1. How can they know if it's from the south if it ain't moving? > > 2. Is zero mph really faster than zero kph (or km/h) like Hugh says? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You know the wind is from the south if: } } It's waving a confederate flag. } It owns a home that is mobile and five cars that aren't. } It does not remove the Marlboro from its mouth before telling the } state trooper to kiss its ass. } Its boat has not left the driveway in 15 years. } It burns its yard rather than mow it. } The Salvation Army declines its mattress. } I was shooting pool when its kids were born. } It keeps hitting deer with its car...deliberately. } It gives out rat traps as gifts. } Its coffee table used to be a cable spool. } It keeps a can of Raid on the kitchen table. } It has "ammo" on its Christmas list. } it gets quantum rebates when buying flea-and-tick soap. } It has everything broadcasted by Fox News on video tape. } It picked its false teeth from a catalog. } People hear its car a long time before they see it. } It knows how many bales of hay your car will hold. } Its family tree does not branch. } Its brother-in-law is also its uncle. } Its house doesn't have curtains but its truck does. } } You owe the Oracle a new collection.