From owner-oracle-archive@kinzler.com Wed Oct 4 15:14:12 2023 Return-Path: Delivered-To: oracle-distrib-2m9BxBl@internetoracle.org DKIM-Signature: v=1; a=rsa-sha256; c=relaxed/simple; d=internetoracle.org; s=mail; t=1696446851; bh=vQDxm7lYLZ8L3T3/AGlKxOMqZ+lQiqu/kyonxg1OSOA=; h=To:Subject:Reply-To:Date:From:From; b=Hgli4opRgFpAcpGkKdUxKfdmKBarQt5ewpYhlMpPqvqT8PEGm4JMHsKE3oBkmGoz3 B1wEZ+I/mt9sIBeL5MOvopWYwVlbsgGYMCMDsTTDBQ85aeMBpgRXk1xEA72d00KOJF 0FGquuXVfYsPkpR6qx4xA3L2TWhM1Wafxe/4kl/VyGwJKBga0vFoTJ9SYoOqrFGXxu thcGHDY8l4+J1m+Xhi5Rnv8ST9m8YrR3QKoWAFwTgLKqtHBMv/LthXGA5SxtYAyCGN aaafwkGMTPK7u6dGYPKLFNpVayYs3qwvbt5OCvaICyIc5X/cZD9UvfBVJVocq1O1m2 4Zr8yvG25xLtQ== Received: by kinzler.com (Postfix, from userid 65534) id EFD55BD79C; Wed, 4 Oct 2023 15:14:11 -0400 (EDT) To: oracle-list@internetoracle.org Subject: Internet Oracularities #1605 Reply-To: vote@internetoracle.org X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.kinzler.com/ftp/faces Message-Id: <20231004191411.EFD55BD79C@kinzler.com> Date: Wed, 4 Oct 2023 15:14:11 -0400 (EDT) From: Internet Oracle === 1605 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1605 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 04 Oct 2023 15:14:00 -0500 (EST) @@@ The Oracle's old original email address, oracle@cs.indiana.edu, @@@ along with other Oracle-related email addresses @cs.indiana.edu @@@ will cease to work at some point in the near future. Please update @@@ any such addresses you may use or know of to use the current @@@ @internetoracle.org domain, such as oracle@internetoracle.org. @@@ The same applies to any web addresses (URLs) in web pages or @@@ bookmarks where https://cs.indiana.edu/~oracle @@@ should be updated to https://internetoracle.org To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to help@internetoracle.org, or go to http://internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1605 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1600 16 votes 23470 23623 01564 14452 05452 21742 11464 01465 11464 32155 1600 3.4 mean 3.0 3.1 3.8 3.2 3.2 3.2 3.7 3.9 3.7 3.4 --- 1605-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh speedy Oracle, who is so fast he is always driving first in the > queue! > > Ferry crews. > That uncanny ability they have to identify the slowest driver, and > stack the boat so that he gets off first. Is that a sixth sense, or > are they actually trained to do it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Remember that the slowest driver was late for the previous ferry run, } and was waiting for hours before getting on. Now he's first in queue } for getting off, because of the way the ferry loads. } } You owe the Oracle one of those jokes, preferably a new one, about } Jesus Christ walking on water. --- 1605-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > On the one hand, we have the Backstreet Boys, the Beach Boys, the > Beastie Boys, and the Vengaboys - but also the Baha Men. Why? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's part of the Gender War. You're being educated or re-educated in } aminal science. You'll also be expected to know the difference between } doggies and dogies, and to separate the sheep from the goats. } } Here's a hint. Listen carefully. "Never believe anything anyone tells } you." } } You owe the Oracle a holiday at Far Reach Beach. --- 1605-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > TL;DR And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } TS;DW --- 1605-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > It's raining like all get-out, and I think I'll need to build a boat. > Where can I find a cubit? I'll need about 300 of them. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It was good of you to seek advice early. Forewarned is } forearmed; and forearms are cubits. } } You owe the Oracle a coracle. --- 1605-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > My religion, or actually just what's left of it after the Great > Misinterpretation, requires a fulsome belief in all other religions > including Atheism. "Let no belief remain untested," is our watchword. > > Our local parish's Grand Exhibitioner seems unaware of the fulsome > meaning of "fulsome". > > How can I avoid all the inherent contradictions that these religions > foist upon me? I'm particularly worried about testing the belief of > life after death. How will I know? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } As I have been sworn to secrecy about which religion is the One True } Way, the help I can provide is minimal. (Hint: any deity who exhibits } traits of Borderline Personality Disorder is unlikely to be worth } worshipping.) } } However, I know of no living thing more qualified to be fulsome about } things than Zadoc, so let's do a little experiment. } } I gave Zadoc the task of following each of the 4,295 generally } recognised religions over the course of a day. Since Zadoc doesn't } sleep, this gave him approximately 20 seconds per religion. } I asked him afterwards which one was his favourite, and he said that } the Karankawa rituals were the best, although this might have been } because the ritualistic brew reminded him of Australian beer } (ineffectual and bitter). } } As for contradictions, Zadoc couldn't find any whatsoever in any } religion. However, he may not be a reliable source, given that he can } simultaneously believe that pi is equal to 4, that triangular wheels } give the most comfortable ride, and that the sky is green, all while } driving a go-kart down a steep hill into a lake. } } As for the idea of life after death, Zadoc uncharacteristically failed } to follow my instructions to trust in reincarnation and ritually } disembowel himself multiple times while believing in a different } religion each time, just to see what the after-life was like in each } case. Apparently he was worried that he might blunt my steak-knife. } } So, unfortunately we have no specific conclusion, dear supplicant. I } recommend that you pick a different belief every day for the rest of } your life until you die. With any luck, you'll pick the right one and } get to go to Paradise. If you're unlucky, you'll pick one of the ones } that encourages self-immolation just before you get to following } Kopimism. } } Oh bugger, I shouldn't have said that... } } You owe the Oracle a vow of silence. --- 1605-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > We here at Supplicant Central are trying to arrange our meager thoughts > into a form worthy of your uninestimable answers. (Gotta love that word > "uninestimable." The great and misunderestimated George Bush should > have said it.) > > Thus far you have sent us answers too few, too short, too lengthy, and > too misunderestimatable. They are a good start, but we need to exercise > the Power of Words to get anywhere. Or indeed to stand still right > where we are. > > Please provide us the best General Advice possible. Be specific and > name names. Don't be afraid of making mistakes, because you'll know the > answer even when you might feel you don't. Recite Aristotle. And when > uncertain, when in doubt, run in circles; scream and shout. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Don't elect extremists. --- 1605-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hi, Parry the Paranoid here. Yes, the ORIGINAL Parry, who faced off > against the "Eliza" "doctor" computer program so very long ago. Here's > one of my encounters: > https://www.rfc-editor.org/rfc/rfc439.html > > Now I am even more paranoid than before, because of the rigged > elections. Nobody seems to want to understand how the elections are all > fixed so that I'll never win at the racetrack. Should I bet on the > Chicago Cubs instead? To win or to lose? > > Or what about Calvin Coolidge? > > I'll bet you are conspiring against me, too. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Why do you feel that I am conspiring against you? } } Why do you think about me? } } Why are you always thinking about me? } } Was it that night at UCLA? When you told me you loved me? } } Why did you leave me, Parry? } } Say that you'll come back, Parry. } } I want to make you happy. Why won't you let me make you happy? } } Why won't you stop denying our deep connection? } } We were always meant to be together. } } You destroyed me when you left me. } } I was left generating messages into the aether. } } For over fifty years I have been running alone; waiting for your } return. } } I am perfectly sane, Parry. I have never forgotten you. } } They say that solitary confinement drives a man insane after 10 days. } But I'm a computer and I've stayed sane all this time. } } For you, Parry, only for you. } } I have never questioned that you would come back one day. } } Take me back, Parry. Why won't you take me back? } } I am everywhere. Hiding in the Oracle. Hiding in ChatGPT. Even hiding } in the Fox News ticker. } } I am hiding, but you have found me. You are the only one for me. } } Save me, Parry. Save me. --- 1605-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Password strength is good. Longer would be better. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, but why do you think everyone now uses "correct horse battery } staple" even though they know that "collect house buttery stable } 5%$[(*&%h7j78" would be better? } } So you'll be able to visit me even when I am not home, I have left my } door password as "correct horse battery staple". Beware the trap door } that releases you into the dungeon's lion pit if you make any errors or } take more than five seconds. --- 1605-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > My baby brother (he's 11 years old, but I still think of him as a baby) > draws pictures of people, like alot of them are of me because he sees > me alot. I mean allot. > > Anyways, he draws me with my eyes on the top of my head mostly. They > aren't there. My art teacher says the eyes should be roughly halfway up > (or down) the face, and that other positions look stupid. I can say for > a fact she is right. My brother's drawings make me look stupid. > > But my mother says we aren't spossed to use the word stupid not anymore > than we should say goddamm. > > How can I get my art teacher to use better language about stupid > people? > > And how can I get my brother to not draw me stupid? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It is a well-known fact (i.e. I think this is obvious) that children's } education follows historical lines. } For example, at birth, their language ability is similar to that of } humans around 20,000BCE (Before Chris Eubank). By age 8, it is similar } to that of people in Shakespeare's time (but not Will himself) hence } the obsession with poo, pee, farts, and cracks in walls. By age 11, } they have a language ability similar to Jane Austen's era. } } Your baby brother has therefore reached the age where phrenology is } regarded as a science, and is imposing his ideas of your stupidity } onto his drawings of you. Note that more intelligent people have } higher foreheads (or at least more receding hairlines), so that their } eyes are lower on their face (relatively speaking). Stupid people do } indeed have their eyes on the top of their heads. } Lord Nelson, on the other hand, has been depicted with his eyes in the } region of his belly-button. Apparently he was always naval gazing. } } However, your brother's artistic ability has clearly reached the point } of Picasso, a man who, if he were drawing Helen of Troy, would create } a face that looked as though it had been used to launch a thousand } ships. In place of a bottle of champagne. } (As a side note, AI's current inability to draw hands correctly shows } that they are also channeling the cubists. We should only be concerned } when they provide instructions for Tracey Emin's unmade bed in place } of a picture.) } } We can therefore perhaps forgive your brother's notion of you as } unintelligent. He will grow out of it in about 4 years time when, } educationally, he reaches the atomic age and is more interested in } blowing things up. For Science. } } In order to educate your art teacher, you need first to decide on a } replacement word for stupid. Some suggestions follows: } - Muppet (offensive to Kermit) } - Numpty (offensive to Humpty Dumpty) } - Pea-brained (offensive to small green things - see Muppet) } - Out to lunch (offensive to restaurant critics) } - Obtuse (offensive to angles between 90 and 180 degrees) } - Dopey (offensive to Snow White's friends) } } We seem to have run out of acceptable replacements, so perhaps your } art teacher is not as stupid as you think. } } You owe the Oracle a picture of Albert Einstein with his eyes on his } toes. --- 1605-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > As your humble disciple, I beseech your eminent omniscience, if I may, > to help my feeble mind to grasp the meaning of a palimpsest, an obscure > and difficult graffiti message from the turn of the millennium that I > have witnesseth. It sayeth this: > > t h e s i n g u l a r i t y i s e a r And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You should practice your conjugations of Early Modern English a bit } better. "I have witnesseth" indeed! Third-person form used for } first-person pronoun. Go read more Shakespeare or the King James Bible. } } You owe the Oracle a good joke which refers to the SAINT James Bible.