From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Sat Oct 7 19:37:09 1989 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: Stephen Kinzler Newsgroups: alt.sex Subject: The Usenet Oracle is now available! (#0-altsex) Message-ID: <27327@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 8 Oct 89 00:37:09 GMT === 0-altsex === offensive =============================================== Title: The Usenet Oracle is now available! (#0-altsex) Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 8 Oct 89 00:37:09 GMT The Usenet Oracle is now available to answer all your questions! To find out how to ask the Oracle a question, send e-mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the subject titled "help". You will be mailed a helpfile. Example "oracularities" are included below and different sets have also been posted to these newsgroups: alt.sex misc.misc rec.humor alt.sources news.misc rec.misc --- 0-01 --- offensive --------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is it that my boyfriend has such awful breath in the morning? > Thanks, > Concerned about halitosis And in response, thus spake the oracle: } Hmmm, maybe something he eats during the night? } } [You owe the oracle 5 years of slavery.] --- 0-02 --- offensive --------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What do women _really_ want? And in response, thus spake the oracle: } Baked beans. They also like polka-dot sweaters, bamboo blinds, and } oral sex, but for the most part it's baked beans. } } [You owe the oracle 3 of your children.] --- 0-03 --- offensive --------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why (sex) can't (Sex) I keep (SEX) my mind (SEX!) on my (HOT SEX!) work? And in response, thus spake the oracle: } Just a guess here, but have you considered the possibility of a slight } preoccupation with sex? } } [You owe the oracle 4 minutes of life.] --- 0-04 --- offensive --------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I heard that Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble are into wife swapping. > Is that true? And in response, thus spake the oracle: } Alas, another disillusioning fact about the Hollywood Babylon. } We won't even mention how Dino fit into the picture. } } [You owe the oracle 2 quarts of soy sauce.] --- 0-05 --- offensive --------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is it just me, or does everyone see vacuum cleaners as Freudian? And in response, thus spake the oracle: } The only people who do not see vacuum cleaners as a psychosexual } manifestation are those who fail to notice the syntactic juxtaposition } of the 'u''s. Carbon based unit who can correctly spell vacuum } correctly over 83% of the time has noticed the erotic implications of } the double entendre "YOU YOU". And if you say it loud enough you'll } always sound precocious. Yes, the dictionary is offline at this moment. } Say it gently and it is the cooing of renaissance lovers in a garden; } Say it in a low growl and it can arouse the feeblest Harley rider; Say } it (or rather yell it) and you can be whisked away to Union Leadership. } (some people would think that to be erotic, but anyone with a brain can } see that Unions are not nearly violent enough to be erotic) ergo...not } really. } } [You owe the oracle 2 quarts of soy sauce.] --- 0-06 --- offensive --------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Last night I dreamed that I was swallowed by a giant flower but got > stuck in the stem. After freeing myself with dynamite, it started to > rain baseball bats and doughnuts. I could hear my mother calling me in > the distance. > > Is this normal? > > PS: Oh yeah, I was naked the whole time, too. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, if you were naked the whole time, then this occurence is } completely normal. Had you been clothed, it would have been considered } severe abnormal behavior, and you would have been subjected to shock } therapy to cure your socially defiant ways. --- 0-07 --- offensive --------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How can I increase the size of my penis? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You have several choices: } } 0. Get a date with Rosey Palmer. } 1. Go to a gas station. } a. Get some superglue. } b. Ask attendant for the key to the bathroom. } c. Put a quarter into the air compressor by the bathroom. } d. Go into the bathroom, pulling the air hose in with you. } e. Pull out your excuse for a penis. } f. Being careful, and holding tightly, inflate penis. } You may need to use a nail or something to hold the } valve on the hose open, to allow the air to come out. } Caution, you may explode if you are looking for too } much adjustment. } g. Open superglue. Superglue your urinary tract shut, } preventing air from escaping. } h. Enjoy your new, improved penis. } 2. Get a cucumber instead. } 3. Forget it. Go for the sex change. } } Why do you ask anyway? Your'e such a despicable person that you } will never find a sex partner anyway. Get a life. --- 0-08 --- offensive --------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise Oracle, if I want to marry a beautiful girl, which one I should > choose: the American, the Korean, the Japanese, the Hongkongese, the > Spanish or the Catalonian ? And in response, thus spake the oracle: } O lowly charge, for shame! How shallow it is to think of worldly beauty } which lingers least, where inner beauty shines forever. Consider } wisdom, kindness, and virtue. Consider honor, loyalty and honesty. } Consider marrying the one with the biggest tits. } } [You owe the oracle 3 dollars.] --- 0-09 --- offensive --------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I think this girl I am interested has started avoiding me, what should I > do??? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Take a bath. Brush your teeth with CloseUp (tm). How's your sex life? } Follow her around like a wounded puppy. Call her hourly. Fill up her } answering machine with sickenly sweet sonnets about her primary and } secondary sexual characteristics. Play hard to get. Start ignoring her } and watch her come around, begging for your slightest attention. Make } sure she sees you with a parade of beautiful women hanging from your } arm. The more at once the better. Pull her ponytails -- let her know } you like her. Become a monk, women ain't worth it. Tell her you're } still a virgin and you go off to war tomorrow. --- 0-10 --- offensive --------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why are your answers always so disappointing? And in response, thus spake the oracle: } [Edited for posting. -- SK] } } Disappointing? Disappointing! DISAPPOINTING!!! Well, [a vulgar } colloquialism for sexual intercourse, of Germanic origin] you and the } boat you came in on! [a breaking of the Third Commandment, using the } little known middle initial "H."], what do you expect? I'll have you } know that I have my PhD, my ABC and my EatMe in Oracular Studies! } Of course, if some [synonym for a feminine vibrator, similar to the } name of a Hobbit] gives some [a vulgar colloquialism for human } excrement, with the prefix "dip-" of unknown etymology] answer to your } profoundly creative question, there's not much more you can do other } than ask the question again. } } [You owe the oracle 4 dollars.] --- 0-11 --- offensive --------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why does Aunt Bea from "Andy Griffith" make me so hot? And in response, thus spake the oracle: } She has that affect on all of us, young man. } } [You owe the oracle 4 big kisses.] --- 0-12 --- offensive --------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Will I ever have the luck to have sex with [name excluded to protect > the innocent] And in response, thus spake the oracle: } Worlds may be born and stars may die. Flowers grow without any } effort at all on their part. Salman Rushdie has a better chance. } } [You owe the oracle 5 years of slavery.] --- 0-13 --- offensive --------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why are you taking so long to answer my previous question? And in response, thus spake the oracle: } Well, you see, The Oracle had to go out and check out this babe in } question. Wine her, dine her, seduce her, see what kinda guy she'd } sleep with, y'know. Takes a few minutes -- sheesh! } } [You owe the oracle 5 of your children.]