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26 Mar 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 5:32:58 GMT

Best of Internet Oracularities #0-25

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0-25, 0-30, 0-42, 22-06, 6-03, 0-32, 10-06, 0-41, 14-01, 0-28, 1-06


Best of Usenet Oracularities #0-25
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 22 Dec 89 00:30:21 GMT

Oracularities are the distilled wisdom and sagacity of the Usenet
Oracle, as incarnated as its numerous e-mail participants (you know who
you are).  This collection was selected especially for rec.humor.funny
by paul@media-lab.media.mit.edu, waksman@grad1.cis.upenn.edu (Adlai
Waksman), bard@cs.cornell.edu (Bard Bloom) and myself,
kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (Stephen Kinzler).

To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
   oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu    or    {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.


0-30
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What are those little "crumblies" on the bottom of an English Muffin,
> and why the hell are they there in the first place?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, I'm glad someone finally asked.  Now I get to expose one of the
} most diabolical conspiracies of all time!  These little "crumblies", as
} you so cutely call them, are actually the cocoons of tiny, genetically
} engineered parasites that, once you eat enough of them, invade your
} brain cells, especially the centers for speech and propriety, and make
} you start spelling words with extra letters and driving on the wrong
} side of the road.


0-42
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is a cow?

And in response, thus spake the oracle:

} Mu.


22-06
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What happens to the rest of an uncompleted sen

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} g that happens to a sentence that starts in the middle.


6-03
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> RN GIVES NO INFORMATION OF HOW TO ADDRESS OR POST MESSAGES.  CAN YOU
> HELP ME?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Gladly.  Whenever you feel the urge to post or respond, just type 'q'.
} It'll save you from all the flames ABOUT WRITING IN ALL CAPS!


0-32
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Will your answer to this question be in the negative?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Memory fault.  Core dumped.


10-06
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How did Man come into existence?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, you see, God forgot to use a condom ...
}
} You owe the Oracle three hickeys.


0-41
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What if cows had opposable thumbs?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Undoubtedly, they'd strangle Farmer JoeBob and the rest of humankind for
} centuries of slavery, slaughter and clumsy manhandling of their private
} parts -- not to mention the humiliation of cow-tipping.


14-01
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What does Dan Quayle eat for breakfast?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} For breakfast, Dan Quayle prefers Vice Crispies.


0-28
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Great Oracle!  What dost thou do with thy newt's eyes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hey, everybody!  Follow the bouncing ball ...
}
} Oh!  A newt's eye is a wonderful thing,
} It makes you laugh, it makes you sing,
} If you don't like the news I bring,
} You'd better go consult the I Ching.


1-06
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why did the paper in my printer just get stuck?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because you dropped cookie crumbs into the print head.  Listen!
} Printers do not eat cookies!  Hard disks eat cookies.  Printers eat ice
} cream -- spoon it right in and soon your paper will be humming along
} like a car with sugar in the gas tank.  (The CPU chips of IBM PCs like
} to have pineapple-and-ham pizza smeared all over them, but we all know
} that IBM is weird anyway.)


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