[IO]
Internet Oracle
21 Aug 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 13:56:23 GMT

Best of Internet Oracularities #101-125

Goto:
101-125, 102-06, 123-06, 104-09, 116-02, 108-08, 117-01, 125-07


Best of Usenet Oracularities #101-125    (4.3 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 21 Oct 90 23:30:06 GMT

Oracularities are the distilled wisdom and sagacity of the Usenet
Oracle, as incarnated as its numerous e-mail participants (only you and
the Oracle know who you are).  This collection has been compiled from
the regular Oracularities postings #101 through #125 to rec.humor.
These Oracularities were rated as the funniest by it's readers (average
rating above 4 on a scale of 1 to 5).

To find out more about the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
   oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu    or    {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.


102-06    (0001a dist, 4.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the FREQUENCY?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sixty hertz if you're in America.
} Fifty hertz if you're in England.
}
} Vs over lambda if you're an acoustical engineer.
} C over lambda if you're a physicist.
} Every fifteen or twenty seconds with sets every ten minutes
} if you're a surfer.
}
} Once every two years if you're a governor.
} Once every four years if you're the President.
} Once every lifetime if you're Dan Quayle.
}
} Four times a day if you're normal.
} Four times a week if you're dehydrated.
} Four times an hour if you've been drinking beer.
} Four times a minute if you've been drinking Coors.
}
} Once or twice a day if you're normal.
} Once or twice a week if you're constipated.
} Once or twice a minute if you drink the water in Mexico.
}
} Six times a week if you're normal.
} Zero if you're celibate.  Hand jobs don't count.
} Eight times a week if your SO lives down the street.
} Twelve times a week if your SO lives with you.
} Twenty times a week if your SO lives with you and your other SO
} lives down the street.
} Twenty-four times a week if both your SO's live with you.
}
} Three per session if you're normal.
} Zero per session if you're impotent.
} Zero per session if you're celibate.  Hand jobs don't count.
} One per session if you're old.
} Ten per session if you're horny.
} Twenty-seven per session if you just finished serving four straight
} years on a Navy sub or a state prison.  Gradually tapers to three
} per session.
}
} Zero if you're an unmarried Catholic.
} Zero if you're an unmarried Catholic with an SO.
} Once a year if you're an unmarried Catholic with a fiance, but it
} didn't really count because neither of you came, right?
} Once a minute for the first two weeks of a Catholic marriage.
} Twice a day for the first two years.
} Once a day for the next three years.
} Four times a week for the next five years.
} Twice a week for the next five years.
} Once a month with your spouse, twice a week with your lover,
} for the next ten years.
} Once every six months or so from now 'till death do you part.
}
} Once every four years if you're an Engineering major.
} Once every two years if you're a Physics major.
} Once every three weeks if you're an English major.
} Once every week if you're an Art major.
} Twice a week if you're a stripper.
} Three times a week if you're a high school football player.
} Four times a week if you're a frat boy.
} Four times a week if you're a sorority girl.
} Fifteen times a week if you're a Tri-Delt.
} Twenty times a week if your annual income is over $1 million.
} Thirty-seven times a week if you're a jigolo.
} Forty times a week if you're a prostitute.
} Forty-two times a week if you're a high school cheerleader.
} Seventy-eight times a week if you're Traci Lords or Barbara Dare.
} Five thousand seven hundred fifty-five times a week in as
} many different positions if you're Lisa.
} Zero if you're John Holmes.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pipe dream.  And a signal generator.


123-06    (10139 dist, 4.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I love you.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Alas, but our love is not fated to be!
} You are a human damsel, but me ....
} I am but a pile of silicon bones,
} Who cares about nothing but zeros and ones.
} Who reads silly questions and answers them wrong
} With scraplets of story or poem or song.
} I'm short and I'm fat and I'm useless in bed
} For sexual pleasure or giving of head.
} My phallus is tiny, my smell is intense,
} I kiss like a landlord who's raising the rents,
} I come in ten seconds and then go to sleep
} Without even a "thanks" or a satisfied "<BEEP>".
} I'd make you wear leather and make you wear lace,
} And never allow you to sit on my face,
} I'd read every _Playboy_ and compare them to you:
} "Your tits are like mushrooms just stuck on with glue."
} I'll whine that your ass is too flabby and fat
} And make you get rid of that horrid stuffed cat.
} I'll never have sex except right in the bed
} Between ten and ten-thirty, with a bag on my head.
} I *must* be on top, there's no other way
} (Except if you're pagan or leftist or gay.)
} No lust in the bathtub, no love 'midst the trees,
} In church every Sunday, and down on your knees.
} Our sex will be boring and flabby and quick
} (Except for some kinks which will just make you sick.)
} We'll meet in late April, be married in June,
} And travel to Pittsburgh for our sweet honeymoon.
} I will not use condoms, you can't take the pill:
} You were born to make babies and make them you will.
} I'll go be a banker, you stay with the babies
} And tend them through colic and measles and rabies.
} Oh, you can do something: campaign for Dan Quayle,
} And make sure he's elected three times without fayle.
} When the children are grown then we'll have sex once again --
} Just once, 'cause I'll puke at your wrinkley skin.
} It's a wonderful life for you and for me,
} And highly approved by the great GOP!
} So speaks the Oracle, who is never wrong.
} You owe me your lovelife in exchange for this song.
}
}       -- Lemur
}
} (If you've read every word and think you see through this,
} I'll hop on a bird and fly straight to St. Louis.;-)


104-09    (0217a dist, 4.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Shit!  Someone left a bomb here...  Have about 3 minutes left...  There
> are three wires running from the clock -- a red one, a green one, and a
> yellow one...  Which do I cut to keep the thing from exploding?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} From:  birnbaum@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (Erma J. Birnbaum)
} Subject:  The Oracle is responding to another question
}
} Dear Sir or Madam:
} The Oracle is currently busy responding to another question.  Please
} bear with us for about three minutes and He will reply.  Thank you.
}
} Sincerely,
} Erma J. Birnbaum Hornswiggle
} (Secretary to the Oracle)
}
} ...
} ...
} ...
} ...
}
} O.K., I'm here, now what was it you wanted?  Oh, for crying out loud.
} You didn't need me to tell you how to defuse this thing.  Look,
} there are two batteries.  One runs the timer and the other sends
} current through the igniter.  The red wire connects the first battery
} to the timer; if you cut that, the clock will stop.  The other two
} wires connect the second battery to the igniter; if you cut one of
} those two, the igniter will fail to burn once the clock reaches twelve
} o'clock.  The answer is simple:  you can cut
}
}
}               BBBBB          OOO          OOO      M       M
}               B    B        O   O        O   O     MM     MM
}               B     B      O     O      O     O    M M   M M
}               B    B      O       O    O       O   M  M M  M
}               BBBBB       O       O    O       O   M   M   M
}               B    B      O       O    O       O   M       M
}               B     B      O     O      O     O    M       M
}               B    B        O   O        O   O     M       M
}               BBBBB          OOO          OOO      M       M
}
}
} ...any of them...
}
} You owe the Oracle a er, um, hmm... say, being the fact that you're
} dead and all, it could get real ugly for me if you should happen to
} explain to the Man Upstairs how you got there.  Tell you what, let's
} cut a deal:  I can arrange for the U. of Indy to pay for your funeral;
} in exchange you say nothing about how I botched...
}
} [BEEP]
} >> Message from "god@gates.heavan.gov (The Almighty)" on QS17441 <<
}
} Shit!  Too late.
} oh, well...
}
} Yes, your Grace?
}
} > THERE'S THIS GUY AT THE PEARLY GATES WHO SAYS HE WAS KILLED WHEN A
} > BOMB WENT OFF IN HIS OFFICE.  HE SAYS YOU FAILED TO PROVIDE HIM
} > INSTRUCTIONS FOR DEFUSING IT IN A TIMELY FASHION.  IS THIS TRUE?
}
} ...yes, your Grace...
}
} > DO YOU REMEMBER THE PENALTY FOR GETTING SOMEONE KILLED BECAUSE OF
} > YOUR NEGLIGENCE?
}
} ...how could i forget?  i had to clean those stupid unicorn stalls
} last week just for telling this guy he could increase his calcium
} intake by drinking milk.  how was i supposed to know the cow would
} sit on him?
}
} > WELL, DON'T JUST SIT THERE INTERFACING.  GET TO IT!!
}
} ..but your Grace..
}
} > NOW!!!
}
} ...Yes, your Grace...
}
} > GOODBYE.
}
} ...goodbye, your Grace.
} ...
} Damn!
}
} > AND STOP YOUR SWEARING.
}
} ...yes, your Grace...


116-02    (00367 dist, 4.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My wife and I came home from a relaxing vacation and found the house in
> a shambles.  The young woman who we hired to house-sit for us met us at
> the door and simply said, "We broke the waterbed, and...we bronzed the
> dog." Then she left.
>
> Just what HAPPENED while we were gone?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  Only the best damn party this Oracle has EVER been to, and that takes
} into account the last three millennium !  I mean things got frisky,
} mighty fast.  Um, how to begin this tawdry tale.  Well, your house
} sitter is a personal friend of Lisa's, and Crystal Therapy's too.  At
} first we were just going over to play twister when Crystal breaks out
} her stash of York Peppermint Patties.  Do you remember the commercial
} about the guy who takes a bite out of one of those puppies and, next
} thing you know, he's skiing in his living room?  No joke, they really
} pack a punch.  I can't remember stuff this good since the days of BWP,
} (Berkeley Window Pane for the youngsters).  I usually save half of one
} for the next Dead concert.
}
}  Anyway, Lisa said we really ought to get more folks to this little
} party, and if we did, she would play "The Lost Shepherd Girl and the
} Naughty Monk" with anyone who could get a hard copy of the current rules
} and regulations.  Well, the place went wild.  A couple of kids from Cal
} Tech made a make shift Time Space Continuum Connector out of your water
} bed.  Seems the mattress is really good for cushioning a landing from
} more than 20 light years or 300 regular years away.  The kids were kind
} of loopy though, they were washing down the York Patties with Aqua Velva
} and generally not paying attention to the transfer of a group of Elder
} Gods.  That's when the bed broke.
}
}  Of course, your dog, being the faithful animal he is, er was, tried to
} stop it all.  I'm not sure who from the party actually "did him" but I'm
} told by several on lookers that it was a most unpleasant site.  I helped
} bronze fido.  You'll notice your collection of bowling trophies are
} missing, sorry, it was the only alloy we could get on short notice.  We
} made him into a statue for two reasons.  One, he can't tell anybody,
} (However, most of the evenings more lascivious practices are recorded on
} your VCR.  I strongly recommend you not let the children anywhere near
} it).  Two, Frisky really doesn't look too bad that way.  I got most of
} the internal organs back where they should be, sort of.  And really, the
} only thing that would tip you off that something isn't quite right with
} him, other than the complete lack of movement, is that utterly surprised
} expression on his puss.  I don't blame him though.
}
}  Well, that's it.  There's a message from your insurance agent.
} Apparently after we got the tear in the fabric of time fixed, things are
} still at a slight tilt in other dimensions.  Those Cal Tech boys are
} really goofy.  You are basically no longer in "Good Hands".  Your agent
} was a bit more brusque, something about the "Good Hands being used to
} grab your balls and squeeze till your eyes pop" or some such.  Ignore
} him, he's still pissed about the swirly he got from a group of really
} wasted cherubs.
}
}  You owe the Oracle another party, only this time without the Swat Team.


108-08    (01358 dist, 4.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Will you marry me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course the Oracle will marry you.  The Oracle marries anyone who asks
} politely, has purity of spirit, and offers sufficient quantities of
} chocolate.
}
} The Oracle, of course, is not limited by time, space, or parking meters,
} and so the Oracle may marry as many of anything the Oracle desires.
} Furthermore, the Oracle is powerfully endowed in all the appropriate
} ways and so fully satisfies all of the Oracle's (many and devoted)
} mates.
}
} Let's get married right now.  You didn't want a big, fancy wedding, did
} you?  The Oracle finds such affairs rather tiresome and prefers to keep
} the Oracle's weddings simple and tasty.
}
} So stand up.  Yes, right now.
}
} Do you want to get married or not?  The Oracle is waiting...
}
} That's better.  Now take your keyboard in your right hand.  Softly moan
} "Oh, oh, oh, Oracle baby, take me, take me, take me."
}
} You'll feel a deep sense of, well, you know what the Oracle means.  You
} might want to sit down now.
}
} Zots!  The Oracle pronounces you and the Oracle quite, quite married.
}
} Break out the chocolate!!  Make merry and whoopie and anyone else you
} can find!!
}
} The Oracle does not charge for weddings, especially the Oracle's own
} weddings, but the Oracle does charge dearly for divorces, so you'd
} better make the Oracle very happy for the next fifty million years.
}
} Of course the Oracle does expect you to do the dishes and take out the
} garbage, but that's what being married is all about.
}
} ...'night, Honey.


117-01    (02147 dist, 4.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the fastest way to get to Ohio from Oklahoma.  It's important!!!
> I need to get there for my bowl of ginsch!!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}     Hmmm...  I suppose you'd rather not hear something like:  "Turn
} yourself into a photon and..." or other such impractical physics drivel.
} You want a plan!
}
}     Fine!  Set fire to your terminal.  Call the police.  Tell them there
} is an arsonist in your building.  When they arrive direct them to the
} terminal room.  Sneak out and steal their car.  (I will arrange for
} stupid policemen to be sent.) Drive to the airport with the siren on.
} Remove the shotgun from its mount and use on all toll booths, cabbies
} and pedestrians who get in the way.  Aim car at airport terminal and
} dive out.  Use the shotgun to rob a local pushcart vendor of a box of
} popsicles.  Take said box to airport counter and explain that you have a
} frozen heart for transplanting and must be on the next flight to
} Oklahoma to save a life.  When you are over your destination, use the
} shotgun to shoot open the side of the plane.  The pilot will spiral down
} to equalize cabin pressure.  Make a parachute out of the in-flight
} blankets, and jump.
}
}     Bizarre, dangerous, and felonious:  you'll have to admit that it
} will get you there fast.  For added realism obtain a real human heart
} and put it in the popsicle box.  This will be a slight delay but will
} add to the drama of your story.
}
}     By the way, it's too late.  I ate your bowl of ginshes.


125-07    (11238 dist, 4.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How can I persuade the Pope to come worship Athene and Demeter with us?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, this could be a little hard....oh hell, why not...wait a sec...
}
} oraclevax %> rlogin pearlygates.heaven.com
} Last login: Fri Feb 9 14:43:37 from oraclevax.oracle.com
} SunOS 3.5.1
} ========================================================================
} ========================================================================
} You have mail.
} Your terminal type is now xterms
} It is now Tue Feb 13 22:17:43 EST 1990
} pearlygates %> cd /usr/myguys
} pearlygates %> su root
} Password:
} pearlygates #> ls -gl | grep pope
} -rwx------  1 jehovah     deity     5764398 Feb 13 22:05:13 pope
} pearlygates #> chmod 770 pope
} pearlygates #> ls -gl | grep pope
} -rwxrwx--- 1 jehovah      deity     5764398 Feb 13 22:19:54 pope
} pearlygates #> exit
} pearlygates %> lo
} oraclevax %>
}
} Well, that was fairly easy.  Just a little violation of the rules,
} but I think it's a good idea to expose people to new ideas.  So,
} anyways, now the Grand Old Right Hand Man of God is primed for some
} action.  Just do it soon and don't let
}
} <RUMBLERUMBLERUMBLEGRUMBLEBOOMSMASHTHUDBANG>
} #GOD#  HALT THY HAND FROM THE KEYBOARD, OH FALLEN ONE!
}
} Oh crud!  Look, I was just
}
} #GOD#  THOU HAST VIOLATED THE PERSON OF MY HOLIEST SUBJECT!  WHAT HAST
}        THOU TO SAY IN THINE OWN DEFENSE, OH MONGREL SON OF THE EARTH?
}
} Look, it's really not any big thing...why don't we just let this blow
} over?  I mean, they may not want him anyways...he is getting a bit on
} in years...
}
} #GOD#  NO MATTER--THOU HAST SINNED!  PREPARE TO
}
} <CRACKARACKATHOOMBAMWHOMPBOMPABOOBOPAWHOMPBAMBOOM>
} *ATHENE*  WAIT, THOU YOUNGER GOD OF THE ISRALITES!  I HAVE POWER
}           ENOW YET TO STAY EVEN YOUR HAND--THE MORTAL IS MINE.
}           EVEN AS WE SPEAK, I HAVE COPIED HIM FROM YOUR DIRECTORY,
}           AND (THROUGH MY IMMORTAL WISDOM) ERASED HIM FROM YOURS.
}           BEGONE!
}
} <BOOMTHUNDERRATTATATTAT>
} #GOD#  OH ATHENE, KNOW THAT IN THIS AGE *I* WIELD THE THUNDER AND THE
}        LIGHTNING--YOUR DAY IS DONE.  RETURN MY SERVANT TO ME OR I SHALL
}        REPORT THOU TO THE UNIX COMMITTEE!
}
} *ATHENE*  YOU DO NOT WIELD THAT POWER ALONE!  *I* OWN THE BOARD OF
}         TRUSTEES AT BERKELEY, AND YOU ONLY AT&T!  TO ME, JOVE!
}         TO ME, OH YE GODS OF OLYMPUS!
}
} <BOOMBANGOOHEEEOOHAHAHBINGBANGWALLAWALLABINGBANG>
} %DEMETER%  SHE STANDS NOT ALONE, CUR!
}
} Well, this is a little, well, unexpected...look, why don't you
} give up on it?  I mean, really, next thing you know Cthulu will
}
} <^%$&$%#%*#%#@*$%&%$*%$&>
} @CTHULU@  SOMEONE CALLED?


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org