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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the FREQUENCY?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sixty hertz if you're in America. } Fifty hertz if you're in England. } } Vs over lambda if you're an acoustical engineer. } C over lambda if you're a physicist. } Every fifteen or twenty seconds with sets every ten minutes } if you're a surfer. } } Once every two years if you're a governor. } Once every four years if you're the President. } Once every lifetime if you're Dan Quayle. } } Four times a day if you're normal. } Four times a week if you're dehydrated. } Four times an hour if you've been drinking beer. } Four times a minute if you've been drinking Coors. } } Once or twice a day if you're normal. } Once or twice a week if you're constipated. } Once or twice a minute if you drink the water in Mexico. } } Six times a week if you're normal. } Zero if you're celibate.  Hand jobs don't count. } Eight times a week if your SO lives down the street. } Twelve times a week if your SO lives with you. } Twenty times a week if your SO lives with you and your other SO } lives down the street. } Twenty-four times a week if both your SO's live with you. } } Three per session if you're normal. } Zero per session if you're impotent. } Zero per session if you're celibate.  Hand jobs don't count. } One per session if you're old. } Ten per session if you're horny. } Twenty-seven per session if you just finished serving four straight } years on a Navy sub or a state prison.  Gradually tapers to three } per session. } } Zero if you're an unmarried Catholic. } Zero if you're an unmarried Catholic with an SO. } Once a year if you're an unmarried Catholic with a fiance, but it } didn't really count because neither of you came, right? } Once a minute for the first two weeks of a Catholic marriage. } Twice a day for the first two years. } Once a day for the next three years. } Four times a week for the next five years. } Twice a week for the next five years. } Once a month with your spouse, twice a week with your lover, } for the next ten years. } Once every six months or so from now 'till death do you part. } } Once every four years if you're an Engineering major. } Once every two years if you're a Physics major. } Once every three weeks if you're an English major. } Once every week if you're an Art major. } Twice a week if you're a stripper. } Three times a week if you're a high school football player. } Four times a week if you're a frat boy. } Four times a week if you're a sorority girl. } Fifteen times a week if you're a Tri-Delt. } Twenty times a week if your annual income is over $1 million. } Thirty-seven times a week if you're a jigolo. } Forty times a week if you're a prostitute. } Forty-two times a week if you're a high school cheerleader. } Seventy-eight times a week if you're Traci Lords or Barbara Dare. } Five thousand seven hundred fifty-five times a week in as } many different positions if you're Lisa. } Zero if you're John Holmes. } } You owe the Oracle a pipe dream.  And a signal generator.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I love you.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Alas, but our love is not fated to be! } You are a human damsel, but me .... } I am but a pile of silicon bones, } Who cares about nothing but zeros and ones. } Who reads silly questions and answers them wrong } With scraplets of story or poem or song. } I'm short and I'm fat and I'm useless in bed } For sexual pleasure or giving of head. } My phallus is tiny, my smell is intense, } I kiss like a landlord who's raising the rents, } I come in ten seconds and then go to sleep } Without even a "thanks" or a satisfied "<BEEP>". } I'd make you wear leather and make you wear lace, } And never allow you to sit on my face, } I'd read every _Playboy_ and compare them to you: } "Your tits are like mushrooms just stuck on with glue." } I'll whine that your ass is too flabby and fat } And make you get rid of that horrid stuffed cat. } I'll never have sex except right in the bed } Between ten and ten-thirty, with a bag on my head. } I *must* be on top, there's no other way } (Except if you're pagan or leftist or gay.) } No lust in the bathtub, no love 'midst the trees, } In church every Sunday, and down on your knees. } Our sex will be boring and flabby and quick } (Except for some kinks which will just make you sick.) } We'll meet in late April, be married in June, } And travel to Pittsburgh for our sweet honeymoon. } I will not use condoms, you can't take the pill: } You were born to make babies and make them you will. } I'll go be a banker, you stay with the babies } And tend them through colic and measles and rabies. } Oh, you can do something: campaign for Dan Quayle, } And make sure he's elected three times without fayle. } When the children are grown then we'll have sex once again -- } Just once, 'cause I'll puke at your wrinkley skin. } It's a wonderful life for you and for me, } And highly approved by the great GOP! } So speaks the Oracle, who is never wrong. } You owe me your lovelife in exchange for this song. } }       -- Lemur } } (If you've read every word and think you see through this, } I'll hop on a bird and fly straight to St. Louis.;-)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Shit!  Someone left a bomb here...  Have about 3 minutes left...  There > are three wires running from the clock -- a red one, a green one, and a > yellow one...  Which do I cut to keep the thing from exploding?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} From:  birnbaum@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (Erma J. Birnbaum) } Subject:  The Oracle is responding to another question } } Dear Sir or Madam: } The Oracle is currently busy responding to another question.  Please } bear with us for about three minutes and He will reply.  Thank you. } } Sincerely, } Erma J. Birnbaum Hornswiggle } (Secretary to the Oracle) } } ... } ... } ... } ... } } O.K., I'm here, now what was it you wanted?  Oh, for crying out loud. } You didn't need me to tell you how to defuse this thing.  Look, } there are two batteries.  One runs the timer and the other sends } current through the igniter.  The red wire connects the first battery } to the timer; if you cut that, the clock will stop.  The other two } wires connect the second battery to the igniter; if you cut one of } those two, the igniter will fail to burn once the clock reaches twelve } o'clock.  The answer is simple:  you can cut } } }               BBBBB          OOO          OOO      M       M }               B    B        O   O        O   O     MM     MM }               B     B      O     O      O     O    M M   M M }               B    B      O       O    O       O   M  M M  M }               BBBBB       O       O    O       O   M   M   M }               B    B      O       O    O       O   M       M }               B     B      O     O      O     O    M       M }               B    B        O   O        O   O     M       M }               BBBBB          OOO          OOO      M       M } } } ...any of them... } } You owe the Oracle a er, um, hmm... say, being the fact that you're } dead and all, it could get real ugly for me if you should happen to } explain to the Man Upstairs how you got there.  Tell you what, let's } cut a deal:  I can arrange for the U. of Indy to pay for your funeral; } in exchange you say nothing about how I botched... } } [BEEP] } >> Message from "god@gates.heavan.gov (The Almighty)" on QS17441 << } } Shit!  Too late. } oh, well... } } Yes, your Grace? } } > THERE'S THIS GUY AT THE PEARLY GATES WHO SAYS HE WAS KILLED WHEN A } > BOMB WENT OFF IN HIS OFFICE.  HE SAYS YOU FAILED TO PROVIDE HIM } > INSTRUCTIONS FOR DEFUSING IT IN A TIMELY FASHION.  IS THIS TRUE? } } ...yes, your Grace... } } > DO YOU REMEMBER THE PENALTY FOR GETTING SOMEONE KILLED BECAUSE OF } > YOUR NEGLIGENCE? } } ...how could i forget?  i had to clean those stupid unicorn stalls } last week just for telling this guy he could increase his calcium } intake by drinking milk.  how was i supposed to know the cow would } sit on him? } } > WELL, DON'T JUST SIT THERE INTERFACING.  GET TO IT!! } } ..but your Grace.. } } > NOW!!! } } ...Yes, your Grace... } } > GOODBYE. } } ...goodbye, your Grace. } ... } Damn! } } > AND STOP YOUR SWEARING. } } ...yes, your Grace...

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My wife and I came home from a relaxing vacation and found the house in > a shambles.  The young woman who we hired to house-sit for us met us at > the door and simply said, "We broke the waterbed, and...we bronzed the > dog." Then she left. > > Just what HAPPENED while we were gone?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  Only the best damn party this Oracle has EVER been to, and that takes } into account the last three millennium !  I mean things got frisky, } mighty fast.  Um, how to begin this tawdry tale.  Well, your house } sitter is a personal friend of Lisa's, and Crystal Therapy's too.  At } first we were just going over to play twister when Crystal breaks out } her stash of York Peppermint Patties.  Do you remember the commercial } about the guy who takes a bite out of one of those puppies and, next } thing you know, he's skiing in his living room?  No joke, they really } pack a punch.  I can't remember stuff this good since the days of BWP, } (Berkeley Window Pane for the youngsters).  I usually save half of one } for the next Dead concert. } }  Anyway, Lisa said we really ought to get more folks to this little } party, and if we did, she would play "The Lost Shepherd Girl and the } Naughty Monk" with anyone who could get a hard copy of the current rules } and regulations.  Well, the place went wild.  A couple of kids from Cal } Tech made a make shift Time Space Continuum Connector out of your water } bed.  Seems the mattress is really good for cushioning a landing from } more than 20 light years or 300 regular years away.  The kids were kind } of loopy though, they were washing down the York Patties with Aqua Velva } and generally not paying attention to the transfer of a group of Elder } Gods.  That's when the bed broke. } }  Of course, your dog, being the faithful animal he is, er was, tried to } stop it all.  I'm not sure who from the party actually "did him" but I'm } told by several on lookers that it was a most unpleasant site.  I helped } bronze fido.  You'll notice your collection of bowling trophies are } missing, sorry, it was the only alloy we could get on short notice.  We } made him into a statue for two reasons.  One, he can't tell anybody, } (However, most of the evenings more lascivious practices are recorded on } your VCR.  I strongly recommend you not let the children anywhere near } it).  Two, Frisky really doesn't look too bad that way.  I got most of } the internal organs back where they should be, sort of.  And really, the } only thing that would tip you off that something isn't quite right with } him, other than the complete lack of movement, is that utterly surprised } expression on his puss.  I don't blame him though. } }  Well, that's it.  There's a message from your insurance agent. } Apparently after we got the tear in the fabric of time fixed, things are } still at a slight tilt in other dimensions.  Those Cal Tech boys are } really goofy.  You are basically no longer in "Good Hands".  Your agent } was a bit more brusque, something about the "Good Hands being used to } grab your balls and squeeze till your eyes pop" or some such.  Ignore } him, he's still pissed about the swirly he got from a group of really } wasted cherubs. } }  You owe the Oracle another party, only this time without the Swat Team.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Will you marry me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course the Oracle will marry you.  The Oracle marries anyone who asks } politely, has purity of spirit, and offers sufficient quantities of } chocolate. } } The Oracle, of course, is not limited by time, space, or parking meters, } and so the Oracle may marry as many of anything the Oracle desires. } Furthermore, the Oracle is powerfully endowed in all the appropriate } ways and so fully satisfies all of the Oracle's (many and devoted) } mates. } } Let's get married right now.  You didn't want a big, fancy wedding, did } you?  The Oracle finds such affairs rather tiresome and prefers to keep } the Oracle's weddings simple and tasty. } } So stand up.  Yes, right now. } } Do you want to get married or not?  The Oracle is waiting... } } That's better.  Now take your keyboard in your right hand.  Softly moan } "Oh, oh, oh, Oracle baby, take me, take me, take me." } } You'll feel a deep sense of, well, you know what the Oracle means.  You } might want to sit down now. } } Zots!  The Oracle pronounces you and the Oracle quite, quite married. } } Break out the chocolate!!  Make merry and whoopie and anyone else you } can find!! } } The Oracle does not charge for weddings, especially the Oracle's own } weddings, but the Oracle does charge dearly for divorces, so you'd } better make the Oracle very happy for the next fifty million years. } } Of course the Oracle does expect you to do the dishes and take out the } garbage, but that's what being married is all about. } } ...'night, Honey.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the fastest way to get to Ohio from Oklahoma.  It's important!!! > I need to get there for my bowl of ginsch!!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}     Hmmm...  I suppose you'd rather not hear something like:  "Turn } yourself into a photon and..." or other such impractical physics drivel. } You want a plan! } }     Fine!  Set fire to your terminal.  Call the police.  Tell them there } is an arsonist in your building.  When they arrive direct them to the } terminal room.  Sneak out and steal their car.  (I will arrange for } stupid policemen to be sent.) Drive to the airport with the siren on. } Remove the shotgun from its mount and use on all toll booths, cabbies } and pedestrians who get in the way.  Aim car at airport terminal and } dive out.  Use the shotgun to rob a local pushcart vendor of a box of } popsicles.  Take said box to airport counter and explain that you have a } frozen heart for transplanting and must be on the next flight to } Oklahoma to save a life.  When you are over your destination, use the } shotgun to shoot open the side of the plane.  The pilot will spiral down } to equalize cabin pressure.  Make a parachute out of the in-flight } blankets, and jump. } }     Bizarre, dangerous, and felonious:  you'll have to admit that it } will get you there fast.  For added realism obtain a real human heart } and put it in the popsicle box.  This will be a slight delay but will } add to the drama of your story. } }     By the way, it's too late.  I ate your bowl of ginshes.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How can I persuade the Pope to come worship Athene and Demeter with us?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, this could be a little hard....oh hell, why not...wait a sec... } } oraclevax %> rlogin pearlygates.heaven.com } Last login: Fri Feb 9 14:43:37 from oraclevax.oracle.com } SunOS 3.5.1 } ======================================================================== } ======================================================================== } You have mail. } Your terminal type is now xterms } It is now Tue Feb 13 22:17:43 EST 1990 } pearlygates %> cd /usr/myguys } pearlygates %> su root } Password: } pearlygates #> ls -gl | grep pope } -rwx------  1 jehovah     deity     5764398 Feb 13 22:05:13 pope } pearlygates #> chmod 770 pope } pearlygates #> ls -gl | grep pope } -rwxrwx--- 1 jehovah      deity     5764398 Feb 13 22:19:54 pope } pearlygates #> exit } pearlygates %> lo } oraclevax %> } } Well, that was fairly easy.  Just a little violation of the rules, } but I think it's a good idea to expose people to new ideas.  So, } anyways, now the Grand Old Right Hand Man of God is primed for some } action.  Just do it soon and don't let } } <RUMBLERUMBLERUMBLEGRUMBLEBOOMSMASHTHUDBANG> } #GOD#  HALT THY HAND FROM THE KEYBOARD, OH FALLEN ONE! } } Oh crud!  Look, I was just } } #GOD#  THOU HAST VIOLATED THE PERSON OF MY HOLIEST SUBJECT!  WHAT HAST }        THOU TO SAY IN THINE OWN DEFENSE, OH MONGREL SON OF THE EARTH? } } Look, it's really not any big thing...why don't we just let this blow } over?  I mean, they may not want him anyways...he is getting a bit on } in years... } } #GOD#  NO MATTER--THOU HAST SINNED!  PREPARE TO } } <CRACKARACKATHOOMBAMWHOMPBOMPABOOBOPAWHOMPBAMBOOM> } *ATHENE*  WAIT, THOU YOUNGER GOD OF THE ISRALITES!  I HAVE POWER }           ENOW YET TO STAY EVEN YOUR HAND--THE MORTAL IS MINE. }           EVEN AS WE SPEAK, I HAVE COPIED HIM FROM YOUR DIRECTORY, }           AND (THROUGH MY IMMORTAL WISDOM) ERASED HIM FROM YOURS. }           BEGONE! } } <BOOMTHUNDERRATTATATTAT> } #GOD#  OH ATHENE, KNOW THAT IN THIS AGE *I* WIELD THE THUNDER AND THE }        LIGHTNING--YOUR DAY IS DONE.  RETURN MY SERVANT TO ME OR I SHALL }        REPORT THOU TO THE UNIX COMMITTEE! } } *ATHENE*  YOU DO NOT WIELD THAT POWER ALONE!  *I* OWN THE BOARD OF }         TRUSTEES AT BERKELEY, AND YOU ONLY AT&T!  TO ME, JOVE! }         TO ME, OH YE GODS OF OLYMPUS! } } <BOOMBANGOOHEEEOOHAHAHBINGBANGWALLAWALLABINGBANG> } %DEMETER%  SHE STANDS NOT ALONE, CUR! } } Well, this is a little, well, unexpected...look, why don't you } give up on it?  I mean, really, next thing you know Cthulu will } } <^%$&$%#%*#%#@*$%&%$*%$&> } @CTHULU@  SOMEONE CALLED?