[IO]
Internet Oracle
22 May 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 23:19:07 GMT

Best of Internet Oracularities #1051-1075

Goto:
1051-1075, 1075-10, 1056-10, 1072-05, 1052-09, 1056-08, 1057-02, 1069-08, 1071-03


Best of Internet Oracularities #1051-1075    (3.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 1 Mar 1999 14:13:58 -0500

Oracularities are the distilled wisdom and sagacity of the Internet
Oracle, as incarnated in its many anonymous e-mail participants.  This
collection has been compiled from the regular Oracularities postings #1051
through #1075 and contains the Oracularities rated by its readers
as among the funniest.

To find out more about the Internet Oracle, send mail to
oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line to receive
the Oracle helpfile.

The regular Oracularities postings can be found in the Usenet newsgroup
rec.humor.oracle.  Open discussion about the Internet Oracle occurs in
the newsgroup rec.humor.oracle.d.  If your site doesn't carry these
newsgroups, contact your news administrator about starting them, or
see the Oracle helpfile about subscribing to the Oracularities e-mail
distribution list.


1075-10    (437bQ dist, 4.4 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> So, Orrie, what are your plans for February 2nd?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Pretty much the same as usual. Here's my schedule for the day, if you
} must know:
}
} 07:52  Woken by the radio alarm. Some inane DJ's saying "Rise and
}        shine, campers, and don't forget your booties 'cause it's
}        coooold out there today." Where's he escaped from, I wonder?
}        Lisa stirs in the bed next to me, but doesn't wake.
} 08:00  Shave and have breakfast. Burn the toast.
} 08:48  Fire up the question queue.
} 08:49  Zot an insolent supplicant who thinks I can't recognise a
}        thinly-disguised w**dchuck question when I see one (that's you,
}        in case you couldn't guess).
} 08:50  Answer the rest of the questions.
} 09:26  Zadoc enters and starts grovelling.
} 11:14  Zadoc finishes grovelling and asks if I want a cup of coffee.
} 12:30  Lunch.
} 13:48  Go shopping with Lisa. She wants to buy some outrageously
}        expensive clothes but I put my foot down. Lisa sulks until I
}        promise to take her out to dinner.
} 20:15  We go out, eat lobster and drink pina coladas. Afterwards we
}        make love like sea otters.
} 23:06  Fall asleep.
}
} 07:52  Woken by the radio alarm. Some inane DJ's saying "Rise and
}        shine, campers, and don't forget your booties 'cause it's
}        coooold out there today." Does this moron say the same thing
}        every day? Lisa stirs in the bed next to me, but doesn't wake.
} 08:00  Shave and have breakfast. Burn the toast. Start experiencing an
}        uncomfortable sense of deja vu.
} 08:48  Fire up the question queue.
} 08:49  Zot an insolent supplicant who thinks I can't recognise a
}        thinly-disguised w**dchuck question when I see one. Anyway, the
}        idiot's a day late - it's now the 3rd of February, for god's
}        sake!
} 08:50  Answer the rest of the questions, all of which look eerily
}        familiar.
} 09:26  Zadoc enters and starts grovelling. I tell him to shut up and he
}        slopes off, sobbing quietly. Now I have to get my own coffee.
} 12:30  Lunch.
} 13:48  Lisa wants to go shopping. I say I can't because something's
}        very wrong and I have to work it out. Lisa sulks until I promise
}        to take her out to dinner.
} 20:15  We go out, eat lobster and drink pina coladas. Afterwards I'm
}        too preoccupied to make love, and Lisa sulks again.
} 22:55  Fall asleep.
}
} 07:52  Woken by the radio alarm. The inane DJ's starts saying "Rise and
}        shine, campers..." but I switch him off. What the hell's going
}        on? Lisa doesn't stir.
} 07:58  Cut myself shaving and skip breakfast.
} 08:29  Fire up the question queue.
} 08:30  Zot the imbecile with the w**dchuck question.
} 08:31  Zot all the rest of the stupid supplicants for good measure.
} 09:26  Zadoc enters and I Zot him. I go out into the corridor and Zot
}        the coffee machine.
} 12:30  Skip lunch.
} 12:39  Lisa wants to go shopping. I explain that I can't because I keep
}        reliving the same day. Lisa says that's the feeblest excuse
}        she's ever heard in her life, and sulks until I promise to take
}        her out to dinner.
} 20:15  We go out, she eats lobster but I just drink endless pina
}        coladas.  They don't seem to work. "Can I have one of these with
}        some alcohol in it?" I ask the waiter sarcastically. He makes
}        some smartass retort so I Zot him. The police are called in.
} 21:43  I'm put in a police holding cell. Maybe if I stay awake, I can
}        break this cycle.
} 23:57  Fall asleep.
}
} 07:52  Woken by the radio alarm. Before the inane DJ can say a word I
}        Zot the radio. Lisa asks what's up, so I Zot her.
} 07:54  Skip shaving and breakfast.
} 08:06  Fire up the question queue and Zot all the supplicants without
}        reading any of the questions. Zot the console. Zot every object
}        in the room.
} 08:28  Go out to the priests' quarters and Zot Zadoc as he emerges from
}        his cell. Find Kinzler and Zot him too, just because.
} 08:52  Go outside and Zot any passers-by I see.
} 09:03  Zot myself.
}
} 07:52  Woken by the radio alarm. Zot the radio. Lisa asks what's up,
}        and I explain I've worked it out. It's a fiendish plot by those
}        wretched rodents! The only way I can save myself is to destroy
}        the mastermind behind it - Punxsutawney Phil himself! Lisa
}        suggests I'm a few demigods short of a pantheon. I ignore her
}        and leap out of bed.
} 07:57  Skip shaving and breakfast.
} 08:13  Ransack the storeroom where I keep the gifts from supplicants.
}        There - I knew I had some! A phial of mixomatosis virus. Now
}        I'll get that smug little beggar!
} 09:11  Get in the car and head for Pennsylvania.
} 09:44  Hell and damnation! The police are turning people back, claiming
}        the roads are blocked by snow. I try to break through but only
}        succeed in crashing the car into some police vehicles.
} 12:25  I'm put in a police holding cell. I call Lisa to come and bail
}        me out, but she says I can stay there until I come to my senses.
}        I decide to try and stay awake again.
} 23:59  Fall asleep.
}
} 07:52  Woken by the radio alarm. The inane DJ goes into his spiel, but
}        I restrain myself from attacking the radio. I must try and work
}        this out rationally. Lisa stirs in the bed next to me, but
}        doesn't wake.
} 08:05  Shave and have breakfast, careful not to burn the toast.
} 09:17  Fire up the question queue. Is it something to do with the
}        questions, perhaps? If so, which one?
} 09:19  Consider the thinly-disguised w**dchuck question. Maybe I
}        shouldn't Zot the supplicant out of hand. Ridiculous - I always
}        Zot infidels who ask the w**dchuck question! I Zot the little
}        swine, as he so richly deserves.
} 09:21  Start answering the rest of the questions, carefully. I can't
}        figure out what I could have done wrong with any of them.
} 09:26  Zadoc interrupts my concentration by entering and launching into
}        one of his long-winded bouts of grovelling. I tell him I haven't
}        got time, and just to get me a cup of coffee. He slopes out,
}        dejected. Should I have been nicer to him? Ridiculous - nobody's
}        nice to Zadoc! That really would disturb the balance of the
}        universe.
} 12:30  Lunch.
} 13:48  Go shopping with Lisa. She wants to buy some outrageously
}        expensive clothes, so I agree. What the hell - she looks great in
}        them.  Lisa's so pleased she promises to make me dinner herself
}        tonight.
} 19:45  Lisa cooks up a magnificent feast of Parma ham and melon,
}        followed by chicken chausseur with Anna potatoes, baby
}        cauliflower ears and mangetouts, and profiteroles to round it all
}        off. We empty three bottles of Chateau Rothschild. Afterwards we
}        make love like sea otters.
} 23:33  Fall asleep.
}
} 07:52  Woken by the radio alarm. The inane DJ goes into his all too
}        familiar routine. Hell's bells! What have I got to do to escape
}        this nightmare? Lisa asks what's up, and I explain about being
}        forced to relive the same day over and over. She acts very
}        concerned but I can see she doesn't really believe me.
} 08:28  I shave while Lisa makes me breakfast. She probably doesn't
}        trust me near kitchen implements at the moment.
} 09:23  Fire up the question queue.
} 09:24  Consider the thinly-disguised w**dchuck question again. Maybe
}        what matters is not what I do every day, but what I do on this
}        day.  Have I ever Zotted someone for asking the w**dchuck
}        question on Groundhog Day, the one day in the year sacred to the
}        God of All Marmots? I find I can't remember.
} 09:26  Zadoc enters. Before he can launch into his long-winded grovel,
}        I ask him for his opinion on the subject.
} 09:29  After Zadoc has picked himself up off the floor, where his
}        astonishment at my asking his opinion on anything had deposited
}        him, he confirms that, in as far as he's aware, I've never
}        Zotted a w**dchuck questioner on this day before. That must be
}        it! I thank Zadoc for his invaluable help. More time is lost as
}        Zadoc has to pick himself up off the floor again. He goes out to
}        lie down and recover from the shock, so I get no coffee. No
}        matter.
} 09:41  I give the question a long, finely-crafted, kindly answer. I
}        spend most of the morning on it, chuckling to myself as I imagine
}        how thrilled the supplicant will be when he gazes in awe at
}        probably the best answer he's ever received in his dreary little
}        life.
} 12:29  Answer the rest of the questions. I can do those in my sleep by
}        now.
} 12:30  Lunch.
} 13:48  Offer to go shopping with Lisa, but she thinks that it would
}        excite me too much. She makes me lie down and spends the
}        afternoon solicitously tending to my every need. If I'm doomed to
}        relive the same day for all eternity, I can think of worse ways
}        of doing it!
} 19:00  Lisa refuses to consider going out for dinner, and makes me a
}        light supper in bed. Animatedly, I explain to her that I've
}        solved the puzzle and I'm never going to be cruel to another
}        w**dchuck as long as I live, which is forever, so they ought
}        to be pretty grateful, right? In fact, I shall start calling
}        them by their proper name - woodchuck. There, I've said it.
}        Woodchuck! That's not so bad now, is it? Woooodchuck. One could
}        grow to like the word. Lisa is clearly very worried but tries
}        bravely not to show it.
} 22:18  Fall asleep while Lisa gently strokes my forehead.
}
} 07:52  Woken by the radio alarm. The inane DJ's saying "Looks like
}        there's a break in the weather, and we can look forward to some
}        sunshine today, campers." I've cracked it! I shout with joy.
}        Lisa wakes and asks what's up, and I ask what day it is. "The
}        3rd, of course," says she, "and are you having another turn?" I
}        tell her I've never felt better, and plant a big fat smacker on
}        her lips. She feels kind of fuzzy.
} 08:01  I go into the bathroom to shave. A furry, bewhiskered face
}        stares back at me in the shaving mirror. My god! I look like a...
}        a...
} 08:02  The realisation dawns on me that the nightmare's only just
}        begun.
}
} You owe the Oracle, er... well, some wood, actually. Never you mind
} what I want it for.


1056-10    (43alv dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle Most Wise;
>
> What are the different fates in the afterlife that await those whose
> send mostly tellmes vs. those that send mostly askmes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There are exactly nine different planes of existence that await all
} Oracularized mortals. Where you end up depends on your alignment
} (see chart below).
}
} +----GOOD----+----NEU-----+---BAD------+
} A            |            |            |
} S     1      |     2      |     3      |
} K            |            |            |
} +------------+------------+------------+
} N            |            |            |
} E     4      |     5      |     6      |
} U            |            |            |
} +------------+------------+------------+
} T            |            |            |
} E     7      |     8      |     9      |
} L            |            |            |
} L------------+------------+------------+
}
} 1. Land of Obsequious W_____hucks
}
} For those of Alignment: Incarnatic Good (Does askmes whenever told,
} gives sound advice, knows "dumb questions" don't exist)
}
} Description: In this lavish paradise, good Oracle incarnations are
} waited on hand and foot for all eternity by gracious w____hucks who
} want nothing more than to make you happy. Each w____huck has a tag
} on his/her ear clearly labeled with the amount of wood he or she
} could chuck (if indeed he/she is capable of chucking said wood).
} This is so that no one in this plane is tempted to ask the dreaded
} w____huck question, which causes the asker to be immediately be cast
} down to plane #9 (see below).
}
} 2. Bridge to the New Frontier
}
} Alignment: Incarnatic Neutral (does "askmes" whenever told, gives
} uninspired advice, sometimes gives null answers or sends MIME-encoded
} replies)
}
} Description: The Incarnatic Neutral soul is considered wise and
} sagacious...well, enough so to transport off to be an Oracle for
} an alien race somewhere out there in a distant galaxy. Yes, even
} burgeoning alien races need their wise men and women, and who better to
} handle the task than you, Mr. and Mrs. Adequate Incarnation? Downside
} of this "paradise": learning the new language, and fielding questions
} like "Who thought-engraved the quartzite recording crystal of Love?."
} Upside: you get a TV that shows "Baywatch" 24 hours a day. Hubba-bubba!
}
} 3. Spinal Jeopardy
}
} Alignment: Incarnatic Bad (does "askmes" because he/she enjoys
} *ZOT*ting people and telling them their questions suck, or to send
} replies advertising their amputee porno web site)
}
} Description: Oh, my, you were a bad little incarnation, weren't you?
} All those good questions you let go to waste because you weren't
} nice or smart enough to be good and to try to give a good answer?
} Well, eternity for you is going to be one bad question after another
} as you play Spinal Jeopardy every day for the rest of eternity.
} The stakes are high: if you win, you can skip your daily dose of
} horrible, gut-wrenchingly painful spine twisting.  But will you ever
} win a game? Say it with me, Mr. Trebek: "Noooo...sorry...."
}
} 4. Elysium of the Oracular Muse
}
} Alignment: Neutral Good (does both askmes and tellmes, gives good
} advice, never asks bad questions)
}
} Description: As a dearly departed brethren of the Oracular community,
} you live forever in a lovely cloud palace, nibbling ambrosia and
} chugging milk and honey. Your task for all eternity is to watch over
} the Oracle priests and help them determine what is funny. Often,
} you discuss Oracularities in question with your fellow muses.
}
} It's a little like rec.humor.oracle.d, except, since you're watching
} over the priests 24-7, you get to see what they do in their spare time.
} That can be a little yicky sometimes. Dr. Noe's "Body Fluids of the
} Stars" collection is definitely a hobby to look the other way from.
}
} 5. The End is the Beginning Is The End
}
} Alignment: True Neutral (never did an askme, never did a tellme,
} thinks "rec.humor.oracle" contains digests of database jokes).
}
} Description: Ah, you poor unenlightened milksop. Asked no questions,
} learned no answers. Upon death, your soul will be recycled into
} a newborn baby's mortal coil for another chance at enlightenment.
} Maybe this time, you'll transcend mundaneness.
}
} 6. Dread Guts of Kinzler
}
} Alignment: Neutral Bad (asked a lot of questions with the word
} "doodie" in it, *ZOT*ted a lot of supplicants who dared make your
} brain hurt) Description: You watched in jealousy as people who
} made fun of your juvenile questions made the digest. You watched
} in envy as your "clever" *ZOT*play and crude bathroom humor went
} unnoticed by the Oracle priests. Now, at long last, you're going to
} be digested...in the bowels of the Almighty K, He Who Eats Naughty
} People (And Occasionally Cheerios) For Breakfast! Your brief stint
} in the digestive tract of the Almighty K will seem like an eternity.
} But it won't be. And trust me, the end of your journey will make you
} nostalgic for the beginning of it.
}
} 7. Fifteen-Zero
}
} Alignment: Supplicantic Good (asks great questions, grovels like a
} true pro)
}
} Description: You spent a lifetime asking great questions and inspiring
} great answers. In the afterlife, you're entitled to all the glory.
} This plane of existence is a huge beach (complete with scantily-clad
} men and women, based on your preference). Every day, you participate
} in a two-person beach volleyball tournament with your partner being
} the dead person of your choosing. Your partner sets you up, and you
} spike--boom! A point every time.  Fifteen points later, you're the
} hero of the day. And man, are you going to score with the chicks/hunks
} at the clambake tonight!
}
} 8. The *ZOT* Switchboard
}
} Alignment: Supplicantic Neutral (asks so-so questions, gives bad
} grovels, leaves his e-mail .sig in his mail messages)
}
} Description: Your so-so performance as a supplicant has earned you
} administrative duty, although it's kind of fun. You're an attendant
} on the *ZOT* switchboard. Whenever an incarnation calls for a *ZOT*,
} read the destination, plug in the appropriate cables, and wait for
} the "yipe." The fun part is, the switchboard attendant managers tend
} to look the other way a lot, which means in your off-time, feel free
} to work your way down your list of past-life enemies...
}
} 9. Land of Not-So-Obsequious Rabid W____hucks
}
} Alignment: Supplicantic Bad (never grovels, asks w____huck questions)
}
} Description: You had to ask the question, didn't you? Well, I've
} got one for you, buck-o. How much leg can a rabid w____huck chew
} if a rabid w____huck could chew leg? Time them yourself; here's a
} stopwatch with a "millennium" hand on it.
}
} Personally, I think you should gun for #1. Trust me, Edgar V.
} W____huck gives an incredible shiatsu massage. Remember that next
} time the queue gets rather full.
}
} You owe the Oracle an AD&D "Deities & Demigods" first edition.


1072-05    (19fjt dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, wise Oracle, who can beat Doom in Nightmare mode,
>
> What would "Duke Nukem: A Critique of Pure Violence" be like?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} THE INTERNET ORACLE
} GAME REVIEW OF THE MONTH:
}
} Duke Nukem: A Critique of Pure Violence
} ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
}
} Just how much mileage can a games manufacturer get out of a single
} product? If the product is DN3D, an almost unlimited amount,
} apparently. The Plutonium Pak, Atomic Edition, Nuclear Winter, Life's a
} Beach... the list of add-ons seems endless. The cry goes up: oh, for
} some new weapons, some new baddies, some new anything!
}
} Take heart, all you shoot-em-up slugfest-loving psychopaths out there:
} with "A Critique of Pure Violence", Dukey enters a whole new dimension!
} Gone are the tattered old Troopers and Pig Cops, to be replaced by
} kick-ass Stoics, Sophists and Neo-Pythagoreans. Hell, these guys will
} argue that pleasure is irrelevant to the attainment of happiness as
} soon as look at you, and stir-fry your nuts to prove it! And the human
} females are much more interactive than before! Go up to the go-go girls
} in the red light district bar, wave some money under their noses and
} they'll expound the empiricism of Francis Bacon to you till you cry
} "uncle".
}
} You have some really neat new weapons to try out too, such as the
} Phenomenological Cannon and the Concept of Dread Bomb. And there's
} a Boss Philosopher at the end of each level!
}
} Once again, the game is powered by the Quake engine, but now it has
} sound and graphics to die for (or from!) Okay, so the minimum spec is
} a P266 MicroCray with 1064 Mflops RAM and a liquid nitrogen-cooled 3D
} accelerator. But once you've got the hardware sorted, the AI of the
} baddies will impress the socks off you! If you thought Kierkegaard's
} satires of Hegelian Rationalism were biting, wait till these guys
} sink their fangs into your dialectics!
}
} To give too much away at this stage would spoil all the fun, so this
} review will restrict itself to describing the demo version only. This
} consists of four levels:
}
} 1. Pluralism - The Parmenideans come at you thick and fast from the
}    very start, claiming there are four material elements and two
}    forces, and that these can neither come into being nor pass away.
}    You counter with Zeno's Paradox which freezes them into immobility,
}    at which point you can blow them away with your shotgun. The Boss
}    Philosopher of this level is Anaxagoras of Clazomenae (looking
}    vaguely like the alien from the "Predator" series), who will try to
}    convince you that everything is contained within everything else as
}    a prelude to chopping you into infinitely small particles.
}
} 2. The Doctrine of God's Will - Blasting and debating your way through
}    a medieval dungeon, the pressure never lets up. No sooner have you
}    established the validity of Anselm's proof of the existence of God
}    than you are faced with a slavering, 12-foot, razon-wielding death-
}    merchant. Yes, it's William of Ockham, looking not a little like
}    Strife out of "Hercules: The Legendary Journeys". When this guy
}    says human reason alone is insufficient to reach the truth, you
}    believe him!
}
} 3. Logical Positivism - It may be true that there's nothing Nietzsche
}    couldn't teach you about breaking people's heads, but here it's
}    Wittgenstein that's the bolshy swine who radically denies the
}    meaningfulness of metaphysics by ripping out the intestines of
}    anyone who approaches him with unverifiable assertions about moral,
}    esthetic or religious values. Take your existentialism in your left
}    hand, your rocket launcher in your right, and proceed with extreme
}    caution.
}
} 4. Marxism - And what better way to round off a binge of blood and
}    brain cells than with the Bearded Behemoth of the Bourgeoisie
}    himself? If you can separate this sucker from his Kapital without
}    resorting to revolutionary action (or even cheat codes), you're
}    ready for the commercial game!
}
} Your reviewer unhesitatingly awards DN:ACOPV his coveted Gold Medal
} for sheer gut-wrenching, mind-bending, adrenaline-surging nihilism.
} But remember, you need skill as well as an unquenchable bloodlust to
} win. As Dukey himself says, "I think, therefore I aim."
}
} Like hell he does!


1052-09    (4ebjx dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle you are almost as wonderful as me.  I *may* rub up against your
> leg.
>
> Yesterday, in between breakfast and my third early/mid morning nap, it
> occured to me that if I was in a box I wouldn't know if the world
> outside continued to exist or not.  It occurred to me that I could only
> describe the condition of the world in terms of a probability that it
> still existed. Though, of course, how could it exist if I was in a box
> and didn't need the world to provide me with food or with a lap to
> snooze on.  Anyway, what I wanted to ask is you seem to spend a lot of
> time sitting down and you've got lots of people dedicated just to
> pampering you so would you like a cat?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh no kitty, not after what happened last time.....
}
} INPA Press Report 17/6/97 09:41am
} UNIDENTIFIED GAS CLOUD SEEN IN INDIANA
} --------------------------------------
}
} Reports are coming in from Indiana that a gas cloud of unidentified
} material has been sighted in the city. No victims have yet been
} identified. Indiana Civil Defense and Emergency Services, as well
} as the Army are on full code red report.
}
} INPA Press Report 17/6/97 11:22am
} ALIEN INVADER CLAIM FOR INDIANA 'GAS CLOUD'
} -------------------------------------------
}
} Eyewitness reports of the 'Indiana Gas Cloud' have claimed that at
} its center, a strange and everchanging creature can be seen, with
} teeth, eyes, wings, skeletons, exoskeletons, changing hues of red,
} grey, brown, piebald, plaid and tartan. Many city residents believe
} that the city is under attack from an alien life form, and are fleeing
} in a massive column of cars. Indiana authorities report that they
} believe the gas cloud to be hallucinogenic, and released on the city by
} unknown terrorists.
}
} INPA Press Report 17/6/97 12:48pm
} PROBABILITY DENSITY FUNCTION TERRORISES CITY OF INDIANA
} -------------------------------------------------------
}
} The 'Indiana Gas Cloud' has now been positively identified as the
} escaped pet of Mr Internet Oracle, of Indiana University. Says Mr
} Oracle, "The pet is a recent gift from my girlfriend Lisa, who gave
} it to me this morning. Until I opened the box it did not exist as
} a particular animal, but merely as a probability density function
} covering all feasible animals. Unfortunately, when I went to open
} the box it was in, I found that it had escaped in its unresolved
} state. It will remain unresolved until I observe it. Until that time,
} the city may be in extreme danger. Or, it may not be."
}
} NATIONAL RADIO CENTRE SPECIAL NEWS BULLETIN
} -------------------------------------------
}
} Hello, this is Dan Dandan, and I'm reporting from Indiana, where the
} first victims of the rampaging probability density function have been
} identified. I'm next to a doctor who is treating the victim. Doctor, is
} he dead?
}
} Possibly. Why don't you ask him?
}
} Excuse me, are you prepared to talk on radio? What was it like being
} attacked by the creature?
}
} Horrible. I felt these teeth close around my neck, and my ankles,
} something was sucking my blood, and I felt blows of varying intensities
} all over my body.
}
} But, you're still alive. You're talking to me.
}
} Possibly... That's the worst part of it. The waiting. I mean, if the
} animal turns out to be a large one, when The Internet Oracle finally
} observes it, something with big teeth like a dinosaur, then I could be
} ripped from limb to limb. Or, if it was a poisionous snake, then I
} could be dead from that. Or, it might be a chipmunk, and I might just
} have a small bite on my finger.
}
} Doctor, I notice that the blur surrounding the victim has a distinct
} red colour. Does this mean that he's lost a lot of blood?
}
} It means that it's highly probable that he has.
}
} But, his big toe is quite clear. Does that mean something?
}
} Yes, whatever animal it was that attacked him definitely did not eat
} his big toe. This is the only clue we have to the identity of the
} animal so far.
}
} OBN NEWS SERVICE SPECIAL INTERVIEW GENERAL A. LEADBEATER
} --------------------------------------------------------
}
} General Leadbeater. Are there any further clues as to the identity of
} the creature.
}
} As of yet, none. It could be a Godzilla. It could be anything.
}
} Surely Ms Lisa wouldn't have given The Oracle a Godzilla for his
} birthday?
}
} Why not, that's what he asked for.
}
} How do you plan to defeat the creature, and save the city, if not the
} world?
}
} The probabilistic nature of that animal is what stops us. Bullets
} probably can't stop it. Rockets probably can't stop it. We probably may
} even have to use nuclear force!
}
} Why can't the army simply ask Lisa what she gave him for his birthday?
}
} Unfortunately Lisa has gone to the bathroom and is not expected out for
} several weeks. By that time, the city, or even the world, could be in
} ruins.
}
} Do you plan to entrap the creature?
}
} Yes, the creature is being lured to the city square by a trail of
} favourite foods of all known living things. In the square The Internet
} Oracle will observe the creature. Massed armies of The US, UK, Japan,
} and Russia will then attack the creature, whatever it turns out to be.
}
} Russian forces? Russian forces on US soil?
}
} Those guys had to fight some pretty far-out creatures in the Cherynobal
} region over the last few years. We need their experience.
}
} Thank you General Leadbeater.
}
} EYEWITNESS NEWS BULLETIN - INDIANA, USA
} ---------------------------------------
}
} I'm standing here in the main square of Indiana, where the probability
} density function has been reported to ... MY GOD, THE DENSITY FUNCTION
} HAS ENTERED THE SQUARE. PLANES FLY OVERHEAD, ROCKETS ARE POINTED.
} ARMIES AIM THEIR WEAPONS. THE CREATURE APPROACHES. AND .... THE
} INTERNET ORACLE IS REMOVING HIS BLINDFOLD!!!!!!! HE HAS REMO....
}
} [A small grey round object with plastic eyes and a big painted grin
}  falls to the ground in the center of the square. Everything is silent
}  and still for over ten minutes. Suddenly there is a slight movement.
}  General Leadbeater walks slowly to The Oracle].
}
} Orrie, most wise and everything, old chum. I think I need your help
} here.
}
} You owe The Oracle a very, VERY, good excuse for mobilising the entire
} defense and emergency services of the Industrialised World to combat a
} pet rock. To be sent to: General A. Leadbeater, The Pentagon,
} Washington DC, USA.


1056-08    (57alq dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O most insightful Oracle, thou who can see auras, energy fields, etc.,
> even though they don't exist.
>
> Oracle, Homeopathic Medicine is based around the postulate that water
> has a 'memory' and can 'remember' chemicals after massive dilution,
> and preserve their effects. Now, the human body is about 70% water.
> How is it then that I can never remember anything myself?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why are you asking the Oracle this? The Oracle is a source of _truth_,
} and truth plays about as big a part in "alternative" medicine as
} ethics, honesty, and integrity do in United States political campaigns.
} What you need to learn to do is make up scientific-sounding "theories,"
} then invent even more scientific-sounding reasons to explain why they
} are completely unconfirmed by the evidence.
}
} In any case, once you have written up some fancy-sounding heavily
} jargon-laden crap like "The homeopathic memory wave patterns are
} embedded according to the hydrostatic reactions between the fluctuating
} thermoluminescent Higg's bosons and the anti-piezoelectric
} photorefractive oscillators," you can use the following form to
} explain away any experiments which seem to contradict your ideas (just
} check whatever sounds best, and never let accuracy get the way of a
} good-sounding excuse):
}
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
}                      Form #156M69C3H2672-BS-6
}            (Standard pseudoscientific bullshit excuse form)
}
} The experiment ( ) failed to work as expected
}                ( ) failed to work as expected in the eyes of James Randi
}                ( ) failed to work as expected, but succeeded in spirit
}                ( ) annoyed James Randi
}                ( ) worked just fine
}
} because the ( ) pseudo- ( ) electrical         ( ) energy auras
}             ( ) quasi-  ( ) quantum mechanical ( ) wave patterns
}             ( ) meta-   ( ) chaotic            ( ) vibrations
}             ( ) sorta-  ( ) irrational         ( ) materializations
}             ( ) kinda-  ( ) psychosassic       ( ) Republicans
}
} clearly failed to ( ) harmonize with
}                   ( ) synchronize with
}                   ( ) transcendentalize to
}                   ( ) Important Sounding Buzzword(TM) in relation to
}                   ( ) have any desire to be in the same room with
}
} the ( ) misaligned   ( ) magnetic    ( ) tachyons.
}     ( ) radioactive  ( ) dielectric  ( ) muons.
}     ( ) unnatural    ( ) fluorescent ( ) morons.
}     ( ) holistic     ( ) spiritual   ( ) bogons.
}     ( ) unhappy      ( ) repressed   ( ) Vogons.
}
} Additionally, there was an unexpectedly high
} level of ( ) sonoluminescent           ( ) radio interference
}          ( ) Hamiltonian               ( ) cosmic ray variance
}          ( ) microspectrophotometrical ( ) energy
}          ( ) conspiratorial            ( ) Big Government(TM) influence
}          ( ) bad                       ( ) karma
}
} present in the lab, causing the experiment to give the results
} predicted by ( ) The Second Law of Thermodynamics.
}              ( ) Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle.
}              ( ) Goldschmidt's Mineralogical Phase Rule.
}              ( ) Murphy's Law.
}              ( ) today's horoscope column.
}
} Besides, the results should be completely disregarded,
} because ( ) the experimenter was kidnaped, wrongfully imprisoned,
}             shot, stabbed, and/or set on fire by a vicious
}             marauding band of the dreaded "THEY" people.
}         ( ) a skeptic may have been within a 500 mile radius of
}             the laboratory.
}         ( ) failure is proof of success in this case.
}         ( ) God told me my theories are absolutely correct.
}         ( ) I have incriminating photographs of you doing
}             inappropriate things with farm animals.
}
} In conclusion, ( ) this AMAZING product is clearly worth the $999.95 I
}                    am asking for it.
}                ( ) closed-minded bigots like you will never see
}                    anything positive about the world.
}                ( ) your skepticism is further proof of the massive
}                    worldwide conspiracy against me.
}                ( ) you should just believe me, it REALLY works!
}                ( ) you should repent now, for the day of judgement is
}                    at hand!!!
}
} References: ( ) Olson, G. and Royal, F. F. "Illness as a Delusion:
}                 Understanding the Meaning of Symptoms," Frontier
}                 Perspectives, Vol 3. No. 1 (1998), pp. 24-28.
}             ( ) Hubbard, L. R. "Dianetics: The Modern Science of
}                 Mental Health" (Los Angeles, CA: The American Saint
}                 Hill Organization, 1950.)
}             ( ) Jimison, S. "Top Scientists Baffled by Mysterious Alien
}                 Artifacts -- Invasion Imminent!" Weekly World News,
}                 July 27, 1982, pp. B-1, B-12.
}             ( ) Gently, D. "The Fundamental Interconnectedness of All
}                 Things," London Journal of Holistic Studies, Vol. 42,
}                 No. 42 (1987), pp. 42-52.
}             ( ) Elohim, Y. "Genesis" (Eden: Moses & Sons, 4004 B.C.)
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
} You owe the Oracle a lifetime subscription to _Skeptical Inquirer_.


1057-02    (46gir dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> >NEW!!! SPILWINEX ALL PURPOSE SHOWER CLEANER!!!  Destroys all forms
> >of anything remotely dirty in your shower...   ....maybe even YOU!!!
>
> Dear Newsnet Oracle,
>
> Wishing to surprise Baroness Blackmoor (it is our anniversary on
> Tuesday), I purchased a sachet of the aforementioned cleaning product
> in the hope of restoring the master bathroom to some semblance of
> its original beauty and sophistication.
>
> Following the instructions on the packet, I donned a pair of diving
> gloves, and mixed the contents with two gallons of ammonia, before
> retiring to the billiards room leaving the mixture to bubble and
> fester.
>
> Imagine my surprise when returning from my brief sojourn to discover
> that several of the little baronettes had used the brew to fill their
> water pistols, and were cheerily re-enacting some of the more notable
> battles from the Boer war in the vegetable garden.
>
> By the time I had located a suitable walking cane with which to berate
> the little blighters, and exited the house via the back stairs and
> kitchens, the vegetable garden had been replaced by an enormous crater.
> Two of the little baronettes were clinging precariously to a corner of
> the potting shed on one edge, and a third had scrambled to the safety
> of the gazebo. The whereabouts of the remaining children, however,
> was indicated only by a rapidly receding wailing sound as the crater
> presumably continued its descent into the depths of the earth.
>
> Now, a couple of questions for you, if I may be so bold. I know your
> time is valuable, and I should be limited to only one question, but
> these two are interlinked, and one as omniscient as yourself should
> have no trouble in knocking them off before tiffin:
>
> Firstly, how on earth do I go about retrieving the lost ones from their
> unexpected subterrannean adventure? Personally I'm not too bothered
> about getting the children back, there's plenty more where they
> came from (Baroness Blackmoor is rather attached to them though,
> and even knows some of their names, so she's bound to be a little
> upset when she gets home). No, more to my interest, is regaining
> the prize marrows I was intending to display at next weeks show.
> Heaven knows what state they'll be in.
>
> Secondly, am I in any danger from this large pit, so worryingly close
> to the house? If this stuff keeps dissolving the dirt away, theh
> crater may become a volcano, and spit lumps of basilisk or gobs of
> molten vulva at me as I take my morning constitutional. What am I to
> do about it all? Any suggestions that can restore the status quo before
> the Baroness returns from her bridge club would be doubly welcome.
>
> Yours sincerely,
>       Horatio Blackmoor (Baron).

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Your Grace,
}
} Baron, Baron, Baron, how many times do I have to tell you?
} The aristocracy is congenitally unsuited to doing household chores.
} You'll always end up with disasters of this kind. In future, leave
} it to Perkins.
}
} Oh, Perkins handed in his notice six months ago, did he? As a result
} of the little baronettes spiking his eggnog with Viagra? Yes, I can
} see how that could create something of an uncomfortable situation.
} The only thing one wants stiff in a butler is his upper lip.
}
} Look, I've got a lot on here just now, Baron, so I don't have time
} to pop over to the Old Country and clear up your little difficulty
} for you.  But don't worry, I've contacted a couple of excellent
} fellows who are experts at dealing with this kind of situation.
} They should be there any minute...  Ah, that sounds like them now.
}
}
} "Evenin', squire! My name's 'Arry, an' this 'ere's me partner Syd.
} Say 'ello ter 'is nibs, Syd."
}
} "Wotcher, yer 'onnerable worshipfulness."
}
} "That's right, Syd, lay it on wiv a trowel, why dontcher?"
}
} "I was just tuggin' the old forelock, 'Arry. Yer got to do that wiv
} nobs, dontcher?"
}
} "If yer says so. Nah lissen up, yer Baronetcy. I been 'earing from
} me old mucker the Hinternet Horicle that yer got yerself a bit of
} Barney Rubble wiv a big 'ole in yer allotment wot is - an' I quote -
} spoowin' up lumps of barsilisk an' gobs of molten vulver."
}
} "Can we say gobs of molten vulver in a fam'ly noosgroup, 'Arry?"
}
} "It's a jam jar, innit?"
}
} "Nah, that's a Volver. I fink a vulver is sumfink rude."
}
} "Well, we can edit it aht after. Anyway, yer dukedom, dontcher worry
} yer inbred little Uncle Ned abaht that there 'ole. It's 'ist'ry.
} It's already sorted."
}
} "Already sorted? We hain't even started fillin' it in yet, 'Arry!"
}
} "Oo said anyfink abaht fillin' it in? I sold it, dinni?"
}
} "Don't be doolally! Oo'd be daft enough ter buy an 'ole wot just
} keeps gettin' bigger?"
}
} "Sellerfield, that's oo."
}
} "Wot? That noocleyer power plant fing?"
}
} "The same. They dumps all their radieractive waste in our 'ole, then
} they fills it up wiv concrete. An' then they pays us! 'Ow's abaht
} that fer a bit of cushty, ey?"
}
} "That's brilliant, 'Arry!"
}
} "I hamaze meself, sumtimes."
}
} "Wait, it's not gonner work. Wot abaht them little barrernettes?
} They'll be stuck dahn the bottom of miles of radieractive gunk an'
} concrete."
}
} "I thort of that."
}
} "Yer thort of a way ter get the tiny toff tots aht?"
}
} "Nah, I thort of gettin' sum replacements. So I rahnded up sum of the
} hurchins 'angin' rahnd our street in East Cheapside. They're ahtside
} in the van."
}
} "Oi! Me little Albert's in the van. 'Er indoors'll kill me if I lets
} yer give away our little Albert!"
}
} "Oo said anyfink abaht givin' 'im away? 'Is lordship 'ere's 'andin'
} over a parcel of lolly fer 'im, aintcher guv? An' yer tells the
} trouble an' strife yer sent Albert away ter get a proper heducation.
} 'E'll prolly go ter 'Arrow or Heton, meet that Prince 'Arry wot they
} named after me, come back all snooty an' lardidar."
}
} "Them god-forbids in the van don't talk posh, 'Arry. The Barrerness'll
} suss 'em straight orff!"
}
} "I gave 'em all 50p not ter open their traps, ever. Seen an' not
} 'eard, see? Clean 'em up - not wiv that lefal shower stuff, mind!
} - she'll never know the diff. No bovver! Lumme, strike a light, Syd,
} but yer don't 'arf winge on at a feller sumtimes. It's a dead cert,
} I tells yer."
}
} "Yeah, just like them dead cert inside tips yer's always gettin'
} fer the 3:30 at 'Aydock."
}
} "Don't lissen ter 'im, yer 'ighness. 'E's 'avin' a male mennerporse,
} the silly J Arfer Ranker. Nah, it's all sorted, 'cept fer the Beecham's
} Pill of corse - that's the bill, case yer wond'rin'. Lessee nah -
} that's one 'ole fixed up, one dozen little nippers of dahtful origin,
} freedom from gobs of molten vulver..."
}
} "The marrers! Yer forgot the marrers, 'Arry!"
}
} "The marrers?"
}
} "See! See! I knew it wern't gonner work!"
}
} "Okay, so we got a bit of a prob vee-ar-vee next week's show. But,
} if yer can wait till next year, yer 'onner, I can get sum unemployed
} miners rahnd ter dig yer marrers up. Wiv all the radieractivity,
} they'll be height feet long an' glow in the dark. Yer'll win first
} prize right orff, long as yer don't let 'em eat the judges. An'
} the miners can dig aht the little barrernettes at the same time -
} yer missus can 'ave 'er little Albert back then, Syd."
}
} "But all that radieractivity'll 'ave made the little barrernettes
} height feet long too, wiv 'orrible red eyes an' big, long droolin'
} fangs an' fings!"
}
} "Just stick 'em in the 'Ouse of Lords. Oo's gonner notice in there?"
}
} "Yer a genius, 'Arry! Yer finks of everyfink!"
}
} "White man's burden, me old China. Right then, yer uppercrustitude.
} 'Ere's yer replacement barrernettes - don't get too close ter 'em,
} yer don't wanner catch nuffink. The blokes from Sellerfield'll start
} dumpin' their 'azzerdous waste this pee-emmer, so keep indoors if
} yer don't wants yer 'air ter fall out an' yer skin ter peel orff.
} Tell yer old lady yer layin' the fahndations fer a croquet pitch
} or sumfink. As fer wot yer owes us, I'll let the gaffer tell yer.
} Come on, Syd, time we was dahn the battle crooser."
}
} "It's yer rahnd, 'Arry."
}
} "Tommy Rollocks, it is!"
}
}
} You owe the Oracle and his subcontractors half of your winnings
} at next year's vegetable show, and all of your leftover Spilwinex.
} I want to see if it'll work on Bill Clinton's private life.


1069-08    (2bfgq dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@primenet.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, great Oracle, who would play an excellent role in any movie,
> including the villain,
>
> Who would win in a grudgematch (http://www.wwwfights.com)
> between you (news:rec.humor.oracle) and the Evil Overlord
> (http://www.eviloverlord.com)?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant (http://muse.bio.cornell.edu/~worms/annelid.html), you must
} look beyond pointless (news:rec.humor.oracle.d) fighting (news:*) when
} searching for meaning (ftp://ftp.cs.indiana.edu/pub/oracle) in your
} own life (news:comp.lang.c++) and in the world around you
} (http://www.mayhem.net/Crime/murder.html).
}
} What I want you to do, whenever you want an answer to a question
} that involves religion (news:comp.emacs), popular entertainment
} (http://www.cnn.com/SPECIALS/1998/iraq/links.html), your romantic
} life (news:alt.binaries.pictures.erotica), or anything else
} (http://www.conservation.state.mo.us/nathis/mammals/woodchuck), is to
} first look into yourself (http://www.geekcode.com) and attempt to sort
} the truth (http://www.subgenius.com) from the lying
} (http://www.cia.gov), ignorance (http://www.creationscience.com), and
} shameless greed (http://www.microsoft.com/windows98) that fills the
} world.  Only when you have failed (http://www.whitehouse.gov), should
} you then ask me (mailto:oracle@cs.indiana.edu) and expect an honest
} answer (http://www.iinet.net.au/~bofh).
}
} I hope I have clarified (http://www.ioccc.org/1990/dds.c) things for
} you.
}
} You owe the Oracle (http://www.pcnet.com/~stenor/oracle) the latest
} version of any *real* web browser (http://www.slcc.edu/lynx/release).
} And don't even *think* about what will happen if you don't pay up!
} (http://bible.gospelcom.net/cgi-bin/bible?passage=Revelation+21:8)


1071-03    (45bum dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wondrous Oracle, who understands even the incomprehensible,
>
> Is it true that men used to adhere to "women and children first" so
> that they themselves could at least enjoy a few moments of peace before
> they died?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You have it in one, supplicant. Indeed, it was not unknown for men
} to engineer fatal disasters for this very purpose. For instance:
}
} [SCENE: The first class lounge bar on the Titanic, shortly after
} encountering the iceberg. The floor is at an angle of 45 degrees to
} the horizontal, chairs and tables are piled up in the bottom corner,
} and black, freezing water is beginning to slosh in through the door.
} The band struggles to continue playing at the upper end of the room,
} whilst a lone waiter scrambles back and forth between the dozen or
} so remaining customers, all male. Aubrey fforbes-ffortescue and
} Pelham "Pongo" Grytpype-Thynne recline beneath the shattered remains
} of a grand piano]
}
} Aubrey: Cigar, old chep?
}
} Pongo:  Don't mind if I do.
}
} Aubrey: This is the life, what?
}
} Pongo:  Rahther. One was beginning to think the memsahibs would never
}         leave.
}
} Aubrey: Though one can't help wondering whether the old girls made it
}         into a lifeboat in time.
}
} Pongo:  Who can tell? Out of sight, out of mind, that's the ticket.
}         The fairer sex, God bless them and all that, but they can give
}         a chep a headache with their incessant chattering, what what?
}
} Aubrey: I should jolly well say so.
}
} [With a rending crash, the stern separates from the rest of the ship.
} The floor tilts abruptly to near vertical, catapulting the members
} of the band, screaming, through the French windows into the dark,
} turbulent waters below. One or two of the men in the room look up
} before returning to their conversations]
}
} Pongo:  Reminds one of the time one was in India during the rebellion.
}
} Aubrey: Dickens of a carry-on, that was.
}
} Pongo:  Bad show all round. Would you believe those demn darkies put
}         us all in the same Black Hole of Calcutta, men, women and
}         children together? Hardly playing the game! How was a fellow
}         supposed to gather his thoughts?
}
} Aubrey: The bounders! So typical of Johnny Foreigner, that. Simply no
}         breeding. I say, is everything all right, Pongo?
}
} Pongo:  In what way?
}
} Aubrey: Forgive my drawing attention to it, but you appeared to wince.
}
} Pongo:  Ah, that would be my gammy leg. It's somewhat slightly ecting
}         up today.
}
} Aubrey: My dear fellow! I had no idea you had a gammy leg.
}
} Pongo:  I didn't until this demn piano landed on us. Bit of a sticky
}         wicket, what?
}
} Aubrey: Well, bear up, old man. Stiff upper lip. Wouldn't do to blub
}         in front of the servants, and all that.
}
} Pongo:  Oh, rahther. What say we have another brandy?
}
} Aubrey: Freightfully decent of you. Could I trouble you for a Scotch
}         instead?
}
} Pongo:  Boy! Two Scotch over here, there's a good fellow.
}
} Waiter: At once, Sir. Would you like ice in that?
}
} Pongo:  No need - we'll help ourselves.
}
} [The waiter swims off to fetch the order, only to be crushed under a
} falling chandelier. The icy water has reached our protagonists' chest
} level, and is already over the heads of most of the others in the room.
} A steward pops his head through the doorway and asks if everything is
} all right before being consumed by flames from a fire that started in
} the engine room and is now engulfing the upper decks. Screams of pain
} and terror fill the air outside]
}
} Aubrey: Chin up, eh what?
}
} Pongo:  I'll wait for the water to reach my nostrils first, if it's
}         all the same with you.
}
} Aubrey: So, Pongo, what are your plens for the future?
}
} Pongo:  Well, what with one thing and another, one was thinking of
}         lying underneath this piano in intense pain for a few more
}         minutes and then drowning. Yourself?
}
} Aubrey: Drowning sounds attractive. Or I might toddle out in a while
}         for a spot of hypothermia.
}
} Pongo:  You old dog, you.
}
} Aubrey: Shame to miss the test match, though.
}
} Pongo:  Deshed inconvenient, but it could be worse, old fruit. We were
}         due to reach our destination tomorrow.
}
} Aubrey: [bleakly] America.
}
} Pongo:  Indeed.
}
} Aubrey: Quite right of you, getting the captain to steer us onto that
}         iceberg. Demn colonials. Ebsolutely no idea how to behave in
}         polite company.
}
} Pongo:  I hear some of them ectually have their children down to
}         dinner.
}
} Aubrey: What? Eating at the same table?
}
} Pongo:  So I am informed.
}
} Aubrey: At the same time?
}
} Pongo:  Defies comprehension, what what?
}
} Aubrey: Ghahstly! Demn, demn colonials. Blisters of the first water.
}         Death is a kinder fate.
}
} Pongo:  As you say. Where's that boy with our drinks?


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org