|
} Heh heh heh... that'll be the day.
} +----------------------------------------------------------------------+
} | TOP STORIES | ### ## ##### ## ## ## ####### |
} | --- ------- | #### ## ## ## ## ## ## |
} | | ## ## ## #### ## ## ## ####### |
} | POPE REPORTS: | ## #### ## ######## ## |
} | HELL IS | ## ### ##### ###### ####### |
} | COOLING DOWN! |------------------------------------------------------|
} | Story, A1 | |
} | | MASS FLYING PIG SIGHTING IN WASHINGTON, D.C. |
} | DAN QUAYLE | |
} | WINS LANDSLIDE| Thousands of people claim to have a seen a pig |
} | PRESIDENTIAL | soaring over Washington D.C. on Monday. |
} | ELECTION | |
} | Story, A2 | "We estimate that the pig flew between 500 and 800 |
} | | feet above the ground," said Lionel Dean of the D.C. |
} | O.J. SIMPSON | Park Service. "It flew over Washington for a period |
} | CONFESSES | of about 15 minutes before heading out over the At- |
} | Story, A4 | lantic Ocean. We believe it was a boar, and it ap- |
} | | parently had wings. Other than that no one was able |
} | KLUM: WILL | to make a positive I.D. on the pig. It could be my |
} | SHE MARRY? | pig, it could be anybody's pig." |
} | Story, A1 | |
} |---------------+ "Unbelievable. [Expletive] unbelievable." This was |
} | the reaction of Darren Lytefoot, 26, a Washington resident. "I was |
} | just chilling out on the mall, you know, and I looked up and there |
} | was this pig up there in the sky. So of course I thought I was |
} | having, like, an acid flashback... but when it didn't mutate into a |
} | giant lizard or anything then I knew it had to be real." |
} | |
} | Skeptics have long dismissed reports of flying-pig sightings as the |
} | work of cranks and crackpots. But Monday's event was witnessed by |
} | about 10,000 people in D.C., according to a Park Service estimate. |
} | In fact, one of those spectators was president-elect J. Danforth |
} | Quayle. |
} | |
} | "It was incredible," said Quayle to a bustling crowd of reporters at |
} | a press conference held the day after the event. "Most incredible of|
} | all because it happened here, right here, in our capital's nation, |
} | and I was able to see it all from the White House lawn. When our |
} | children look back at tomorrow, uh, back from tomorrow, I only hope |
} | that they will see this flying-pig event as it occured today, or |
} | yesterday, and remember that it happened right here, on my lawn." |
} | |
} | Some have spectulated that this new trend could spell doom for the |
} | ham industry, however. |
} | |
} | POPE REPORTS: HELL IS COOLING OFF |
} | |
} | Pope John Paul III shocked the Catholic world when he announced on |
} | Monday that hell is, in fact, cooling off. The Pope's report con- |
} | cluded that hell's temperature, estimated at a torturous 1100 degrees|
} | during biblical times, has since decreased to a nearly-tolerable 215 |
} | degrees. |
} | |
} | "I'm as surprised as anyone," remarked Richard Boyer, a pastor at |
} | Third Presbyterian Church in Norfolk, Virginia. "I couldn't believe |
} | it when I first heard. No more fire and brimstone? No more flaming |
} | torment? If people start to think of eternal damnation like an |
} | extended vacation in Barbados, we're all in for trouble." |
} | |
} | The Pope held a conference on Wednesday to try to quell the public |
} | uncertainty that followed his announcement. |
} | |
} | "There are processes at work here that we're only just beginning to |
} | understand," he explained. "To present a layman's example: most |
} | people know that when a lot of people enter a cool room, the room |
} | heats up. Well, the reverse happens when a lot of people enter an |
} | area where the temperature is well above body temperature, as in the |
} | passage of the sinful into the underworld. Of course, a single |
} | damned soul hardly makes a difference, but when you're talking about |
} | billions upon billions of banished humans over six millenia or so, |
} | even the searing flames of hellfire begin to fade. This is one of |
} | the many factors contributing to what we have dubbed the Netherworld |
} | Cooling Effect." |
} | |
} | Regular church attendee Joyce Johnson, a retired supermarket worker, |
} | expressed disappointment in reaction to the news. "215 degrees? |
} | That's not enough to cook a steak! I've been going to church every |
} | week for the last 76 years just to avoid a mild sunburn in the after-|
} | life? What a crock!" |
} | |
} | In other news, _Playboy_ recently reported the highest sales in |
} | company history. (See Story, A6) |
} | |
} | SUPERMODEL HEIDI KLUM ANNOUNCES MARRIAGE DECISION |
} | |
} | In a public announcement Tuesday, supermodel Heidi Klum reaffirmed |
} | that, despite rumors to the contrary, she definitely will not marry |
} | supplicant J. R. Quentin. |
} | |
} | Some of those present at the announcement said they were disappoint- |
} | ed. Even though Klum has previously declined Quentin's long-standing|
} | proposal of marriage, there was speculation that she might have |
} | changed her mind. "I thought, 'Heidi and J.R.?'" said one spectator, |
} | "hey, weirder things have happened." He paused. "On second thought,|
} | maybe they haven't." |
} | |
} | The crowd was hushed as Klum solemnly explained that she has "does |
} | not intend to marry J. R. Quentin, ever." |
} | |
} | "Now, I don't want people to start to think that I'm either frigid or|
} | that I can't settle down," she continued. "I'm not opposed to |
} | marriage. I just don't want to marry this one particular guy." |
} | |
} | "I've gotten letters from fans, most of them college-age males, I |
} | think, who say, Heidi, why won't you marry him, he deserves a shot, |
} | you have to look past physical appearance, don't be so shallow, and |
} | so on and so on. Look, guys, I have nothing against short, balding |
} | computer-science majors. But he's acne-ridden, he's overweight, he |
} | drools, and he's addicted to some humor service on the Internet. I |
} | mean, I don't want to have to compete with a computer for the atten- |
} | tion of my husband, you know?" |
} | |
} | "And, added to that, he's just not very nice. Did you know--he never|
} | even asked me IF we were going to get married, he just asked WHEN. |
} | That's a little presumptuous, don't you think? And he happens to be |
} | really bad at giving compliments. Well, actually, scratch that, he |
} | COULD be really good at giving compliments, but I wouldn't know, |
} | because he never gives any." |
} | |
} | "So, I just wanted to say that I appreciate all the support and all |
} | the advice my fans have given me, but I have no plans to marry him, |
} | now or any time in the future." |
} | |
} | After leaving the room for a few minutes, Klum returned for one final|
} | comment. |
} | |
} | "Oh, and I know I said it would be a cold day in hell when I would |
} | marry J.R., but I was speaking figuratively." |
} +----------------------------------------------------------------------+
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