[IO]
Internet Oracle
21 Aug 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 14:02:24 GMT

Best of Internet Oracularities #1101-1125

Goto:
1101-1125, 1121-05, 1115-09, 1105-04, 1104-04, 1104-10, 1124-01, 1124-09, 1110-09, 1112-04, 1118-06, 1122-07, 1114-06


Best of Internet Oracularities #1101-1125    (3.8 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 5 Dec 1999 22:55:29 -0500

Oracularities are the distilled wisdom and sagacity of the Internet
Oracle, as incarnated in its many anonymous e-mail participants.  This
collection has been compiled from the regular Oracularities postings #1101
through #1125 and contains the Oracularities rated by its readers
as among the funniest.

To find out more about the Internet Oracle, send mail to
oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line to receive
the Oracle helpfile.

The regular Oracularities postings can be found in the Usenet newsgroup
rec.humor.oracle.  Open discussion about the Internet Oracle occurs in
the newsgroup rec.humor.oracle.d.  If your site doesn't carry these
newsgroups, contact your news administrator about starting them, or
see the Oracle helpfile about subscribing to the Oracularities e-mail
distribution list.


1121-05    (239ny dist, 4.2 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> This is a multi-part message in MIME format.
>
> ------=_NextPart_000_0021_01BF14BF.C785B180
> Content-Type: text/plain;
>       charset="iso-8859-1"
> Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable
>
> When will I be able to get a cable modem in my area?
>
> ------=_NextPart_000_0021_01BF14BF.C785B180
> Content-Type: text/html;
>       charset="iso-8859-1"
> Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable
>
> <!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.0 Transitional//EN">
> <HTML><HEAD>
> <META content=3D"text/html; charset=3Diso-8859-1" =
> http-equiv=3DContent-Type>
> <META content=3D"MSHTML 5.00.2014.210" name=3DGENERATOR>
> <STYLE></STYLE>
> </HEAD>
> <BODY bgColor=3D#ffffff>
> <DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2>When will I be able to get a cable =
> modem in my=20
> area?</FONT></DIV></BODY></HTML>
>
> ------=_NextPart_000_0021_01BF14BF.C785B180--

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} By dawn the storm had broken. Several of the horses had broken free in
} the early hours, and some time was lost rounding them up. By the time
} the sun was clear of the distant mountains, we were breaking camp and
} preparing to continue the journey.
}
} As we began the ride, Zadoc rode up beside me.
}
} "Oh Mighty Oracle, whose wisdom is as a galaxy of stars to the - "
}
} "Yes, Zadoc, what is it?"
}
} "Forgive me any implications of doubt in your thousand-fold wisdom,
} mighty one, but have we no other choice but to cross the Plains of the
} Endless September?"
}
} He gestured nervously at the barren landscape ahead of us. I turned my
} Oracular gaze on him, darkening eyebrows and all. Zadoc managed to
} cower without falling off his mule.
}
} "Zadoc, you dimwit, pay attention at the meetings! It's either cross
} the Plains of the Endless September or go around through the Foothills
} of the Mist, adding three months to the trip. Do you want to be the one
} to deal with an extra three month's worth of whining supplicants in the
} queue?"
}
} "No, your infinitely wise -"
}
} "Good. Then stay up here and keep your eyes open."
}
} "For the Three Dangers of the Plain, oh mighty of prowess?"
}
} "No, Zadoc, for a gas station where I can wash my horse's windshield.
} OF COURSE for the Three Dangers of the Plain, you gangrenous annelid!"
}
} That kept Zadoc sufficiently cowed that he left me alone for the rest
} of the morning. We rode through the Stones of Aol about eleven o'clock,
} careful not to say a word for fear of the infamous echoes - the shapes
} of the rock in that area are such that any voice is distorted and
} reflected back in an unearthly chorus that sounds like "me too".
}
} As we rode on, I pondered our destination, on the far side of the
} Plains. A trivial matter, perhaps, but the consequences would be dire
} should we fail in our quest.
}
} Suddenly...
}
} "AAAGH!! The Mimes! The Mimes of Format!!"
}
} They were everywhere! I cursed as I realized they must have been
} following silently for hours. A pack had pulled Kendai off his horse
} and were busy sealing him in an invisible glass box. Others were
} prancing around mimicking the priests, climbing down stairs, pulling
} invisible ropes..
}
} "Your Ominpotency! We're surrounded!"
}
} "The pastrami, Zadoc! Everyone, use the pastrami!"
}
} Forseeing this First Danger of the Plain, we'd each packed a pastrami
} loaf in our bags. They're the most effective weapon against these
} white-faced devils. I leapt from my horse and swatted one aside with my
} pastrami, then waded into the fray.
}
} The carnage was terrible. The priests fought well, Darkmage in
} particular seemed unstoppable, but the silent clowns threatened to
} overwhelm us with sheer numbers. By mid-afternoon, the tide had turned,
} and the survivors were starting to flee. Soon there was but one left.
}
} *WHACK!* *WHACK!*
}
} "Go! Get out of here!"
}
} *WHACK!*
}
} "Go on! Get!"
}
} *WHACKWHACKWHACK!*
}
} "What do you want with us?!!" *WHACK!*
}
} Dazed, he staggered back.
}
} "Well?? What is it?!!"
}
} "When will I be able to get a cable modem in my area?"
}
} I was caught off guard. I had never heard a mime speak before.
}
} "Check with your cable company. Most... AAAAGH!"
}
} While I was distracted, he leapt forward and pulled an invisible flower
} from my ear and started mooning over it. I hit him across the back of
} the head with the pastrami, then again, and again, until he collapsed
} in heap at my feet.
}
} Zadoc raced up beside me and gave the still twitching figure a
} completely unnecessary whack with his own, barely battered luncheon
} meat.
}
} "And stay down, infidel! Good work, Oh All-Powerful Oracle!"
}
} I sighed as I slipped my own pastrami into my belt. One Danger of the
} Plain was beaten, but two more awaited.
}
} "Zadoc?"
}
} "Yes, Mighty One! I am yours to command!"
}
} "Tell Lisa next time she needs 'feminine protection' when the car's in
} the shop, she can go to the drugstore herself."
}
} "*gulp*..Y-yes, Omniscient One."
}
} We rode on.


1115-09    (266qu dist, 4.1 mean)
Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ORACLE WHO"S HUMP HOLDSMORE WATER THAN A CAMEL HAS BODY WEIGHT SO IF
> YOU WANTED TO NEVER TAKE A DRINK AGAIN YOU WOULD NOT HAVE TO.
> YOUR KNOWLEDGE IS MORE PRECIOUS THAN THE BASEBALL DIAMOND.
> YOUR EXQUISITNESS IS MORE DETAILED THAN THE DIAMOND SKULL THE AZTECS
> CUT SOME MANY MOONS AGO.
> YOUR SCENT IS LIKE THAT OF WONDERFUL  INSENCE FRAGRANT AND BLISSFUL.
> I NEED ONLY TO THINK OF YOU TO PUT MY MIND AT EASE,
> THEREFORE I SHALL NEVER SUFFER FROM INSOMNIA.
> YOUR KNOWLEDGE IS VAST, IT INCOMPASES ALL REALMS,UNIVERSES,GALAXY"S AND
> DIMENSIONS.
> I CAN ONLY HOPE TO BE SO WORTHY AS TO GROVEL BEFORE YOU UNTIL MY
> FORHEAD BLEEDS.
> I WOULD GLADLY POUR ALCOHOL ON IT OR EVEN BLEACH IF IT WERE YOUR WHIM.
> NEVER WILL THERE BE AN INTERNET ENTITY THAT IS MORE GRAND THAN
> YOURSELF. NEVER WILL THERE BE A SUPPLICANT WORTHY OF YOUR ANSWER,
> WE ARE NOT WORTHY ENOUGH TO EVEN ASK *anything* OF YOU!
> YOU DESERVE NOTHING LESS THAN TO BE WORSHIPED ONLINE EVERY HOUR OF
> EVERY DAY. I WOULD GLADLY CLEAN YOUR SHOES WITH MY TOUNGE.
> TO BE IN YOUR PRESENCE IS AWE INSPIRING AND A PRIVILAGE.
> I AM LESS THAN NOTHING BEFORE YOU.
> I BURY MY FACE IN MUD TO SHOW YOU MY LESS THAN NOTHINGNESS.
> I ROLL NAKED IN TACKS SO YOU WILL KNOW MY DEDICATION.
> I THROW MYSELF IN A TANK FILLED WITH STARVING SHARKS.
> YOU ARE ALL THERE IS AND ALL THAT...
> AS I LIE PRONE BEFORE YOU I ASK ONLY ONE THING FROM YOUR VAST KNOWLEGE
> AND WISDOM....
> I TREMBLE BEFORE YOU .....
>
> I EAT A BOWL OF GRAVEL AND URINE TO APPEASE YOU!
> I BLUBBER AND WAIL AT YOUR TOENAIL CLIPPINGS...
> I THROW MYSELF INTO A VAT OF BOILING ATHLETES FOOT FUNGUS.
> I SCRATCH AT MY FACE UNTIL IT IS TORN AND DESHEVELED.
> I CASTRATE MYSELF WITH A RUSTY SPOON...
> I LICK THE INSIDE OF MY DOGS BOWEL TRACT...
> I EAT THE HAIR OFF MY NEIGHBORHOODS BARBER SHOP FLOOR...
> I LIE IN A BED OF HOT COALS PROSTRATE AND UNMOVING...
> I RENOUNCE MY HUMAN NAME IN FAVOR OF BEING CALLED "SLIME" BY YOU....
> I CUT OUT MY EYELIDS AND STAKE MYSELF TO THE ROOFON A HOT SUMMER DAY
> UNTIL MY EYES HAVE MELTED.
> I SELL NO WINE UNTIL YOU SAY IT'S TIME...
> I SIT THROUGH INFOMERCIALS FOR HOURS AT A TIME SMILING FOR YOU...
>
> I COME TO YOU NOT TO ASK A QUESTION BUT TO WARN YOU..
> AND THAT I HAVE NO QUESTION TO ASK I SHALL CUT OUT MY TOUNGE AFTER THIS
> WARNING AND FEED IT TO RED SIAMESE FIGHTING FISH.
>
> MASTER PLEASE FORGIVE ME BUT ZADOC IS IN LEAGUE WITH THE WOODCHUCKS AND
> PLANS TO OVERTHROW YOU AND MARRY LISA...
>
> I WILL CAUSE CIGARETTE BURNS ALL OVER MY BODY NOW...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Wow, that's some grovelling technique you got there, kid! Let's see you
} do some more.
}
} > YOUR BATHWATER IS MORE PRECIOUS THAN AMBROSIA.
} > I FILL EVERY ROOM WITH ANGLE-POISE LAMPS IN THE VAIN HOPE THAT YOUR
} > SHADOW MAY FALL WITHIN A FEW FEET OF MY WRETCHED FESTERING BODY.
} > I FLAGELLATE MYSELF WITH LIVE JELLYFISH SO THAT YOU MAY SNEER WITH
} > CONTEMPT AT MY PITIFUL ATTEMPTS TO GAIN YOUR APPROVAL.
} > BUT MASTER, DIDN'T YOU HEAR WHAT I JUST SAID?
}
} Course I did, son, and may I say, you restore my faith in humanity.
} Why, I haven't heard grovelling like that since -- what's all the
} racket outside? -- well, in quite some time, anyway. Go on, do some
} more, it's heaven. Hey, a bit of quiet out there, please!
}
} > MASTER PLEASE, YOU MUST LISTEN--
}
} I said grovel!
}
} > NEVER HAS THERE BEEN AN INTELLECT LIKE THINE.
} > ALL MANKIND'S GREATEST THINKERS -- NEWTON, EINSTEIN, QUAYLE -- MERELY
} > STAND IN THE CROWD WAVING AS YOU GO BY.
} > YOUR ARMPITS SPROUT WISDOM.
} > YOUR NAVEL COLLECTS CLEVERNESS LIKE LINT.
} > AFTER YOU HAVE SPOKEN, I TEAR OFF MY EARS AND RAM THEM UP MY BACKSIDE
} > SO AS TO ENSURE THAT I MAY NEVER HEAR ANYTHING MORE.
}
} Ooh, ooh, I'm in raptures! Well, kid, after all that you certainly
} deserve an answer to your, er... what is it you wanted to ask again?
} Say, is that gunfire? No, couldn't be. Okay, kid, tell me your -- what
} the heck?
}
} [The door of the Oracular chamber bursts open and several
} smoke-streaked figures rush in. Three woodchucks clutching handguns
} surround the startled Oracle's throne. They are followed by Zadoc the
} Priest carrying an Uzi, and the delectable Lisa wearing a revealing
} khaki T-shirt, combat trousers and several ammo belts. She is carrying
} a chain gun and looks rather like Kylie Minogue in "Street Fighter: The
} Movie", only more convincing. The supplicant stands calmly by while
} this is happening]
}
} Oracle: What's the meaning of this intrusion? Can't you see I'm dealing
}   with a supplicant here!
}
} Lisa: Shut up, fat boy.
}
} Zadoc: [to the supplicant] Well done, Kendai.
}
} Kendai: IT WORKED LIKE A DREAM!
}
} Zadoc: Yes, and you can go back to speaking in lower case now.
}
} Kendai: He never suspected a thing. He didn't even recognize me!
}
} Zadoc: All those grovelling lessons certainly paid dividends, eh? I
}   remember when you first came to us, you could barely remember to say
}   "guv" at the end of sentences. Now look at you!
}
} Lisa: That's enough, you two. Plenty of time for self-congratulation
}   later.
}
} Oracle: I demand to know what's going on! How dare you--
}
} Lisa: You idiot! Kendai here just told you what was going on! You were
}   too puffed up with vanity to even notice!
}
} Zadoc: That was our problem, you see -- how to overthrow someone who's
}   omniscient, who can see it coming a mile off. But in the end, the
}   solution was ridiculously simple. All we had to do was keep you
}   distracted with some really craven grovelling--
}
} Kendai: That was my idea!
}
} Zadoc: While we eliminated the rest of the priesthood. They're all
}   dead, by the way, in case you're thinking of calling for help.
}
} Oracle: Wh-who are you people? You're not my loyal family of in-jokes!
}
} Zadoc: Shall we tell him, Your Majesty?
}
} Lisa: Why not?
}
} Zadoc: Very well, fool! [He and Kendai rip off their masks] Recognize
}   your old adversaries now?
}
} Oracle: Rodents Of Unusual Size!
}
} Zadoc: Right in one! I know, you fondly imagined you'd finished us
}   R.O.U.S. off in #988-06 and #993-05, didn't you?
}
} Kendai: But all the time, we've been building our strength--
}
} Zadoc: Infiltrating your organization--
}
} Kendai: Waiting for the right moment--
}
} Zadoc: When we could destroy you forever!
}
} Lisa: And now that moment has arrived. [She aims her chain gun at the
}   Oracle's head]
}
} Oracle: Aren't you going to take your mask off too?
}
} Lisa: Could you really bear to see me as I am, lover boy? Would your
}   overinflated ego survive the revelation that the net.sex.goddess who
}   has been sharing your bed all this time, and subjecting herself to
}   your clumsy and ineffectual groping, was none other than...
}
} Zadoc & Kendai: [in unison, reverentially] Chuckzilla, Queen Of All The
}   Woodchucks, Blessed Be Her Name!
}
} Oracle: No! No! I don't believe it!
}
} Lisa: Bah! Still you persist in this fantasy that all in-jokes were
}   created purely for your benefit. Your arrogance is as astounding as
}   it is nauseating. Prepare to be shredded, bozo. [Again, she aims the
}   chain gun]
}
} Zadoc: Glorious Amazon Goddess and Pinnacle Of Furry Femininity -- you
}   forget! This piece of fleshy pink offal is immortal. You cannot kill
}   him.
}
} Lisa: Curses, you're right! Very well, throw him in the deepest
}   dungeon. Let him rot there for all eternity.
}
} [With threatening gestures, the three woodchucks of no more than usual
} size shepherd the broken figure of the Oracle out of the chamber,
} towards the escape-proof dungeons far below the Oracular shrine. The
} Queen Of All The Woodchucks surveys her new domain]
}
} Lisa: Mine, it's all mine! The supplicants, the tribute, everything!
}
} Kendai: What are your commands, Mistress?
}
} Lisa: "Mistress"? What sort of a lame excuse for a grovel is that?
}   You think I'm less worthy of prostrate, fawning adulation than that
}   furless lump of wombat guano we just deposed?
}
} Kendai: I crave forgiveness. WHAT ARE YOUR COMMANDS, SHE FOR WHOSE
}   FAVOR TO GAIN I WOULD GLADLY PLUCK OUT MY WHISKERS AND SCULPT THEM
}   INTO A 1/1000TH SCALE MODEL OF THE GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE. SHE WHOSE
}   MEREST SMILE CAUSES MULTIPLE ORGASMS IN FIVE-WEEK OLD ROADKILL. SHE
}   WHO TURNS EVERY DAY INTO FEBRUARY THE 2ND.
}
} Lisa: That's better. I'll tell you my commands. From now on, any
}   supplicant that fails to ask the woodchuck question gets Zotted!
}   All payments to the Intermarmot Oracle will be lumps of timber
}   thrown with an overarm motion! All answers will be in the form
}   of impenetrable in-jokes, so only fully-qualified RHODents will
}   understand what's going on! Oh, and all RHODents must undergo
}   extensive plastic surgery so they may be worthy to bear that
}   noble name!
}
} Zadoc: It will be done, Light Of A Thousand Fluffy Stars. But first,
}   please remove that hideous mask, which makes you look uglier than
}   a naked molerat, and permit us to bask in the radiance of your
}   resplendent fuzzy features.
}
} Lisa: If you like.
}
} [She rips off her mask. The R.O.U.S. formerly known as Zadoc and Kendai
} scream in horror. For there before them stands the Internet Oracle,
} still looking rather delectable in his revealing khaki T-shirt, but no
} longer even remotely like Kylie Minogue]
}
} Zadoc: Impossible!
}
} Kendai: You can't be--
}
} Zadoc: We saw you--
}
} Oracle: Pitiful fools! Did you really think you could neutralize my
}   omniscience with a little (admittedly eloquent) grovelling? I foresaw
}   this feeble attempt months ago and took appropriate countermeasures.
}
} Zadoc: What have you done with--
}
} Oracle: Your pathetic so-called queen? Sorry, boys, but she's dogfood.
}
} [With snarls of rage and hatred, the R.O.U.S. go for their weapons. The
} Oracle opens fire with his chain gun, and the remains of the oversized
} marmots are spattered against the far wall. Casually, the Oracle puts
} the gun down]
}
} Oracle: Well, that was easy. Now, who am I going to get to pander to
}   my -- what was it again? -- overinflated ego now? No more Lisa, no
}   more Zadoc, all the other priests dead... Oh well, there's nothing
}   else for it. Og! Hoi, OG!
}
} Og: Og here.
}
} Oracle: Og, as last surviving in-joke, you're hereby promoted to chief
}   priest and sycophant extraordinary. By way of displaying your
}   gratitude, you may now grovel before me.
}
} Og: How Og gro-vel?
}
} Oracle: You tell me how great I am.
}
} Og: O-kay. O-ra-kul great.
}
} Oracle: Put a bit more effort into it, can't you?
}
} Og: O-kay. O-ra-kul great and, um, more great.
}
} Oracle: I can see we're going to have to do a lot of work on this. In
}   the meantime, go and exterminate those woodchucks in the dungeon and
}   free my stunt double. As for the rest of the day, find something
}   menial to do. Oh, and Og, what is that you're holding behind your
}   back?
}
} Og: Og not hold no-thing behind back, uh-uh, no sir.
}
} Oracle: Yes you are. Show it to me at once or prepare to face the
}   grisly consequences! What! A piece of wood! What have you got that
}   for?
}
} Og: No rea-son! Not chuck! No sir, Og not chuck wood, no way Jo-say!
}   Wood fall off back lor-ry! Og hold for friend!
}
} Oracle: My god, this conspiracy has penetrated much further than I ever
}   realised...


1105-04    (24cCi dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> OK, so if you are so damn clever, how come there are only two
> nostrills, Eh?
> Why not 5 - and the same with eyes, surely being able to see all the
> way around would be a damn site easier?
>
> M-,

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} From the lab notes of YHWH:
}
} October 14th, 4004 BC 10:23 PM
} Finished up the plans for most of the rest of the animals today.
} The placentals are really starting to look silly now that I've finished
} with the marsupials. I think I'll only seed a couple of the smaller
} continents with marsupials - given time, they're pretty much destined
} to take over the world anyway.
}
} One of the monkeys is giving me design problems. I'm probably going
} to have to increase the brain size tomorrow.
}
} October 16th, 4004 BC 11:33 PM
} What a mess. OK, it's like this: I started with some of the leftovers
} from the other primates, figuring one more species wouldn't hurt.
} The gorillas had the strength and wisdom already, the chimps the
} playfulness and cunning, the lemurs had the night-vision - well,
} you get the idea. By the time I got started on these humans, they
} were these scrawny little hairless freaks with hardly anything to
} recommend them.
}
} Well, I figured that with all those disadvantages, they'd be easy prey.
} I decided to give them 18 nostrils and 6 eyes, all around their head,
} so at least they could see the predators coming (how they were going
} to get away, I still don't know).
}
} Turns out that the standard monkey brain just can't handle all
} that input.  I got skull and gray stuff all over the walls. So I
} made the brains just a little bigger. Still no good. Bigger still.
} Still no help, although they were starting to act kind of funny. Well,
} next thing I knew, these things had completely disproportionate brain
} cases, and they still couldn't get past two eyes and two nostrils.
} It's got to be the dendrons, I guess. But the scary thing was that
} they had started to talk, and you wouldn't believe the things that were
} coming out of their mouths. Questions about why the sky was blue, why
} there was suffering in the world, how much w[ed: some content elided].
}
} Tomorrow I'm just going to have to put the test cases down and
} start again.  Maybe I should try a cetacean this time...
}
} October 17th, 4004 BC 9:02 AM
} Oh Me. The freaking humans got out of their cage. I shouldn't have
} left that coathanger lying around, although who would have thought
} they would use it like that?
}
} I've just got to be sure I catch them before they start breeding...


1104-04    (19exi dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <davis@wehi.edu.au>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ketchup spurting stuntmen are not one zillionth as amazing as
> the wise and powerful Oracle!
>
> How does falsehood differ from imagination?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} When I tell you I had a good answer to this question, but the dog ate
} it, that's falsehood.
}
} When I tell you I had a good answer to this question, but, you know,
} it's a funny story...I was driving down the freeway the other day when
} I see a tethered advertising blimp in the distance. Well, I'd been
} halfway listening to X-106, the local oldies station (I'm only into it
} for the jingles), and I suddenly make realize that the blimp is
} pointing the way to an appearance by one of their DJs, "The Fake" Don
} Blake, and my favorite early '60s doo-wop group, The Dardanelles.
} Needing no further prompting, I quickly take the exit and follow the
} blimp to a strip mall parking lot, where a crowd has gathered around a
} mobile stage. Don Blake is asking oldies trivia questions for prizes.
} Of course, I've soon accumulated an X-106 keychain, T-shirt,
} sweatshirt, baseball cap, water bottle, fanny pack, 12 bumper stickers
} and a promise from Don that he'll have his intern mail me a tape of the
} station jingles. And then it's time for the Dardanelles to take the
} stage! Of course, they're quite a bit older than in the pictures on
} their original albums, and the 8-track reissues of their albums, and
} the CD reissues of their albums, but their pipes are still sounding
} real good. I, of course, get right up front and lip-sync the words to
} all the songs they perform, from their biggest hit, "When Loving Lovers
} Love," to one of their obscure songs that was only released in Sweden,
} "Under the Pomegranate Tree Tonight." Several times during the set, I
} notice the Dardanelles nudging each other and pointing at me, as if to
} say, "Get a load of that guy." Well, after the set, Don Blake urges
} everyone to keep listening to X-106, hands out a couple of leftover
} bumper stickers, hops into his Porsche and peels out of the parking
} lot. Most of the crowd follows suit. I'm about to do the same, but then
} the Dardanelles come up to me. The leader, Vince Darden, says something
} to the effect of, "Wow, you must be our biggest fan, to know all the
} words to everything!" I refrain from mentioning that, being omniscient,
} I know all the words to songs I hate, too. We talk for a while, but
} then they have to go ("We're playing at a wedding in Muncie tonight").
} First, though, they offer to autograph something for me. Unfortunately,
} I hadn't brought any of their recordings with me, so all I have for
} them to sign is a piece of paper in my pocket.
}
} Now, flash forward to earlier today. I'm reading the paper, and right
} there on page B-7 is Vince Darden's obituary! He had died quite
} unexpectedly, it turns out, the day after I had seen them perform. I
} get up to load my Dardanelles CDs into the CD player to do some
} listening in memoriam, when the phone rings. It's the Rock and Roll
} Hall of Fame, who tracked me down via the surviving Dardanelles. I have
} Vince Darden's last autograph, and they want to know if I'll loan it to
} them for exhibit. I say I will, and I go so far as to take it
} immediately to FedEx so it'll be in Cleveland tomorrow.
}
} Unfortunately, that piece of paper that the Dardanelles signed had the
} good answer to your question on it.
}
} And that, you see, is imagination.
}
} You owe the Oracle a tape of music that doesn't really exist, to
} include a song by the Dardanelles and some X-106 jingles.


1104-10    (64ion dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Supplicant,
>
> It's an excellent question you've asked, indeed. However, interesting
> as your theory is, I fear that it's just plain wrong, and as an
> omniscient being, I should know.
>
> Face it: it's simply impossible to have time go backwards, even with
> that machine of yours.
>
> You owe the Oracle a negative entropy factor, evidently.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Oracle's Log, Queuedate 1104.9.  After our successful, but
} stressful, mission to eradicate a Juno infestation in the .Org
} system, I have decided that the crew of the U.S.S. Omniscience
} deserves some shore leave.  To that end, I have set course for the
} planet Lisa.
}
} [Captain Oracle and Commander Zadoc are on the bridge.  Lieutenant
} Kinzler is at the helm, and Ensign Viles is at a computer station in
} the background.]
}
}       ORACLE:  Lieutenant Kinzler, status report?
}
}       KINZLER:  All systems nominal, Captain.
}
}       ORACLE:  Anything on long-range sensors?
}
}       KINZLER:  No questions within 3 light-years, sir.  One moment...
}       A new question just came up on the sensors.  Would you like to
}       hear it, sir?
}
}       ORACLE:  Certainly.  On screen.
}
} > r pct,
} >
} > Isxcelleut y'veke,nd. e,t stg asor trys,er t 's j plaing, aanniscient
} > b, Ioulkw.
}
}       KINZLER:  It seems to garbled, sir.  I'll try to clean it up a
}       bit...
}
} > F  sm ssible e to bwards, e with t me of yos.
} >
} > Y owee Orle a nive eroy ftor, evidently.
} >
} > Mssage re ats.
}
}       KINZLER:  Here we go, sir...  This is about the best I can get
}       it.
}
} > Dear Supplicnt,
} >
} > It's n excllentquestion yu've sked, ineed. However, intsting as
} > your tory is, I ferh i just plin wng, and as an omnient being, I uld
} > know.
} >
} > Face i: it's sply impossible tove  wds,n wht chie oyours.
} >
} > You owe the Oracle a negative entropy factor, evidently.
}
}       ORACLE:  What?  Commander Zadoc, what do you make of this?
}
}       ZADOC:  Captain, it almost looks like...  a response!  Given by
}       you!
}
}       ORACLE:  My thoughts exactly.
}
}       ZADOC:  But...  I can't remember you ever giving a response like
}       that.
}
}       ORACLE:  Nor can I...  Ensign Viles, check the database.  See if
}       I've ever given a response that matches the one we've just
}       received.
}
}       VILES:  Negative, Captain.  No such response on record.
}
}       ORACLE:  That's odd...  Lieutenant Kinzler, set course for the
}       response.
}
}       ZADOC:  Captain, are you sure that's wise?  It could be a
}       woodchuck trap.
}
}       ORACLE:  True...  Lieutenant, when we arrive at the response,
}       maintain a distance of 500 kilometres.  Still, Commander,
}       something tells me that the woodchucks couldn't create a
}       simulation that sophisticated...  I'll be in my ready room.
}       It looks like shore leave will have to wait.
}
} [Fade to black.  Commercial break.]
}
} [Cptn. Oracle is reading in his ready room.  Lt. Kinzler's voice
} comes over the comm.]
}
}       KINZLER:  Captain to the bridge.  We've reached the response,
}       sir.
}
} [Cptn. Oracle walks out to the bridge.]
}
}       ZADOC:  Captain, at this range, the response is much less
}       garbled.
}
}       ORACLE:  Excellent.  On screen.
}
} > Dear Supplicant,
} >
} > It's an excellent question you've asked, indeed. However,
} > interesting as your theory is, I fear that it's just plain wrong,
} > and as an omniscient being, I should know.
} >
} > Face it: it's simply impossible to have time go backwards, even with
} > that machine of yours.
} >
} > You owe the Oracle a negative entropy factor, evidently.
}
}       ZADOC:  You definitely wrote that, captain.
}
}       ORACLE:  I can see that, Commander...  Lieutenant, can you
}       determine the source of the question?
}
}       KINZLER:  Unknown, Captain.  We'd have to get closer to tell.
}
}       ORACLE:  What the devil is going on here?  Science Officer Og,
}       report to the bridge.
}
}       ZADOC:  It looks like sometime in the future, someone will send
}       you a question asking you whether or not his time machine works,
}       and you'll send this response.  But when?
}
} [Science Officer Og arrives on the bridge;  Cptn. Oracle & Cmdr.
} Zadoc walk up to a computer station to greet him.]
}
}       ORACLE:  Ah, Mr. Og.  What do you make of this response we've
}       just received?
}
}       OG:  Re-sponse, sir?  Me thought we search only for ques-tions.
}
}       ORACLE:  It's strange, alright.  Take a look at it.
}
} [The response is replayed on the computer station.]
}
}       OG:  Fa-sci-na-ting, cap-tain.  It seems to be an
}       an-ti-ques-tion.
}
}       ZADOC:  Antiquestion?
}
}       OG:  Yes, sir.  Just as an-ti-mat-ter can be seen as nor-mal
}       mat-ter mo-ving back-wards in time, an an-ti-ques-tion is
}       a nor-mal ques-tion that is mo-ving back-wards in time.
}       We there-fore see the re-sponse be-fore we see the ques-tion.
}
}       ORACLE:  Mr. Og, does this antiquestion pose any threat to
}       the U.S.S. Omniscience?
}
}       OG:  No, sir.  This is most like-ly one of our own ques-tions
}       and re-spon-ses, some-how in-vert-ed.  It would be in-val-u-a-ble
}       to stu-dy it fur-ther.
}
}       ORACLE:  Agreed.  Lieutenant Kinzler, take us in, nice and slow.
}
}       ZADOC:  Og, do you think we'll find the question that this
}       response answers?
}
}       OG:  Pos-si-bly.  I will run some com-pu-ter sim-u-la-tions of
}       the an-ti-ques-tion to cal-cu-late what we should ex-pect to see.
}
} [Cptn. Oracle & Cmdr. Zadoc return to their chairs.  The response
} slowly grows larger on the screen.  Og continues to run the simulation.
} The response continues to grow larger on the screen.  The simulation
} finishes, and the results flash up on Og's computer.  Og looks puzzled
} for a moment, then turns to the Captain.]
}
}       OG:  Cap-tain, what we see here can-not be a true
}       an-ti-ques-tion.
}
}       ORACLE:  What do you mean, Og?
}
}       OG:  Ac-cord-ing to the com-pu-ter, the only way this
}       an-ti-ques-tion could have been cre-a-ted is by the time ma-chine
}       it re-fers to.  But since the cap-tain is om-ni-sci-ent,
}       he would have re-al-ized that the time ma-chine would work.
}       There-fore, the cap-tain would not have sent this re-sponse.
}
}       ZADOC:  Are you saying...
}
}       OG:  Yes, sir.  The re-sponse is a fake.
}
}       ORACLE:  The woodchucks!
}
}       ZADOC:  Red alert!  Shields up!
}
} [Klaxons sound & lights flash.  The response on the screen dissolves,
} and is replaced by the fearful image of the W.S.S Monax, a Marmot-class
} Woodchuck destroyer.  The Monax opens fire on the Omniscience.
} Fade to black.  Commercial break.]
}
} [The Monax fires on the Omniscience.  On the bridge, the crew is
} tossed about violently.]
}
}       ORACLE:  Damage report!
}
}       VILES:  That blast from their lumber rays hit us before we got
}       our shields up, Captain!  Propulsion, answer generators, and spam
}       torpedoes are off-line.  Shields are at 46%.
}
}       ZADOC:  Return fire, Lieutenant.
}
}       KINZLER:  Aye, sir!
}
} [The Omniscience fires its forward ZOT arrays at the Monax.]
}
}       KINZLER:  No effect, Captain.
}
} [The Monax fires again.  The Omniscience again shakes violently.]
}
}       VILES:  Shields down to 33%.
}
}       ORACLE:  We need options!
}
}       OG:  Sir, the wood-chucks' po-wer sys-tem may have been drained
}       by pro-jec-ting the res-ponse.  If we tune our ZOT rays to the
}       cor-rect me-ta-pha-sic fre-quen-cy, we may be able to dis-able
}       them.
}
}       ORACLE:  Do it, Mr. Og.
}
} [The Omniscience fires its ZOT rays at the Monax.]
}
}       KINZLER:  Direct hit, captain.  The woodchucks are dead in the
}       water.
}
} [An evil look comes over Cptn. Oracle's face.]
}
}       ORACLE:  Destroy them.
}
}       KINZLER:  Aye, sir.
}
} [The Omniscience fires several more ZOT blasts at the Monax,
} destroying it.]
}
}       KINZLER:  Target destroyed, captain.
}
}       ORACLE:  Lieutenant, resume course to the planet Lisa.
}
}       KINZLER:  With pleasure, sir.
}
} ==========================
} You owe the Oracle a new season of "Star Trek: The Next Generation."


1124-01    (37lsl dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, the air you pass though is smarter than it was before
> you touched it, the ground you trod on becomes wiser for your foot's
> touch. . .likewise enlighten us mortals please, I beseech you,
>
> What is in your wastebasket right now at this very second?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Godawful puns and rhetorical questions,
} Pathetic complaints about lack of digestions,
} Queries that pry into my lover's flings,
} These are a few of my thrown away things.
}
} Neanderthal grammar and brain-damaged grovels,
} Tiresome parodies longer than novels,
} Marmots and lemurs and jokes about strings,
} These are a few of my thrown away things.
}
} When the queue's full,
} When I'd rather sing,
} When I'm feeling rash,
} I simply go find all of the above things.
} And I chuck them in the trash!
}
} Ripoffs of Python and Douglas N. Adams,
} Forwarded spamminngs for HOT SEXY "madams",
} MIMEified MIDI attachments that "ding",
} These are a few of my thrown away things.
}
} Merkins who still care why Clinton has cheated,
} Programming students who ask for [deleted],
} Juno-ers spewing the taglines that clinnnnng,
} These are a few of my thrown away thiiiinnnnnnnnngs!
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of "The Sound of Hotmail".


1124-09    (25qsj dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Tell me all knowing great one. Is smoking or chewing tobacco
> worse for ones body?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Worse than what? Not smoking or chewing tobacco? Sure. But, in case you
} meant to compare it with something else, I've prepared a short list:
}
} Activity                                        Worse or Better?
} ---------------------------------------------   ----------------
} Riding a bicycle............................... Worse
} Riding a bicycle in rush hour traffic.......... Better
} Having a relationship.......................... Worse
} Having a relationship with O.J. Simpson........ Better
} Having a cup of hot cider, with a cinnamon
}  stick......................................... Worse
} Having a cup of hot cider, with arsenic........ Better
} Using a letter opener to open your mail........ Worse
} Using a letter opener to open your wrists...... Better
} Belly-flop off the high dive................... Worse
} Belly-flop off the 15th floor.................. Better
} Brain surgery.................................. Worse
} Brain surgery using your own power tools....... Better
} Taunting your girlfriend's poodle.............. Worse
} Taunting your girlfriend's ex-boyfriend's
}  rottweiller................................... Better
} Explaining you're gay to your family........... Worse
} Explaining you're gay to the Grand Wizard at
}  next week's KKK Rally......................... Better
} Dumping your anal retentive boyfriend.......... Worse
} Dumping your anal-retentive boyfriend after
}  he's had a difficult day delivering mail on
}  his postal route.............................. Better
} Drawing caricatures of people at the State
}  Fair.......................................... Worse
} Drawing a pentagram on the floor of your
}  rent-controlled apartment and reciting what
}  appears to be a magic spell that you imagine
}  will rid the place of cockroaches............. Better
} Drinking milk that's a couple days past the
}  expiration date............................... Worse
} Drinking milk that's... well, let's just say
}  it doesn't *taste* like chocolate milk........ Better
} Sitting too close to your computer monitor..... Worse
} Sitting too close to Marlon Brando's second
}  helping....................................... Better
} Dating two women at once....................... Worse
} Dating two women at once at the same
}  restaurant.................................... Better
} Dating two women at once at the same
}  restaurant and not tipping the maitre'd
}  enough........................................ Priceless
}
} You owe the Oracle more credit.


1110-09    (37goj dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Meow?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} OK, so let me try to explain it again. Fokker is a Danish plane
} manufacturer. Billy's teacher was trying to tell the students that
} Billy's grandfather was saying "Fokkers." You know, like if you're
} driving and someone cuts you off...
}
} > > Meow!
}
} OK, I know, I know, you don't drive. But if you DID, like Toonces, you
} know, the driving cat from Saturday Night Live...
}
} > > Meow?
}
} Yes, I know it sucks since Gilda died. But IF YOU DID drive and someone
} cut you off, you'd say "that Honda cut me off," not "that ugly fat
} white guy with the cheap suit and greasy bald spot." Just like that,
} Grandpa wasn't saying that a bunch of _pilots_ were behind him in their
} planes, he was just calling them "Fokkers" like you'd call greasy white
} dude "Honda."
}
} > > Meow?
}
} No, he wasn't calling them "Fokkers." That's supposed to be the funny
} part. The irony of the...
}
} > > Meow?
}
} What?
}
} > > Meow!
}
} Yes, I do happen to know the difference. Sarcasm is like irony but it's
} mean-spirited. It's from the Latin, or Greek, I forget. It means
} "tearing of the flesh." Irony just means, um, irony. Anyway, the
} joke...
}
} > > Meow.
}
} I'm hungry too but I don't think raw flesh sounds appetizing. Yuck.
} Anyway, the joke. The kindergarten teacher told the kids that Grandpa
} was saying "those Fokkers were right behind me still" and Grandpa
} replied, "no, those Fokkers were flying Messerschmidts." See? So he
} didn't mean "Fokkers."
}
} > > Meow?
}
} Do I have to explain everything to you? Messerschmidt is another plane
} manufacturer that supplied Hitler. So Grandpa didn't mean "Fokkers" he
} meant that other word...
}
} > > Meow?
}
} I can't say that word...you know, the Communications Decency Act. Well,
} I'll whisper it in your ear...
}
} > > Errerrrow! Meow meow meow!!!
}
} ----
} You owe the Oracle a solemn promise never to tell a joke to my cat
} again.


1112-04    (08mki dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, even though I am not worthy of your bellybutton lint's, I have
> a question.
>
> If scientists, in twenty years, discover that the moon is, in fact,
> made out of green cheese, won't that solve world hunger?  Also, how'd
> those craters get on the moon anyway?  And does the fact that a cow go
> "moo" have anything to do with the MOOn's green cheese?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, boy! Time for another future history timeline!
}
} July 1999: Supplicant to the Oracle asks if scientists 20 years hence
} discover the moon is made of green cheese, would it solve world hunger.
} Oracle gives typically imponderable, yet wise and witty answer.
}
} August 2003: American Dairy Council and counterparts around the world
} finally recover from Y2K bug, lobby U.S. Congress to declare the phrase
} "No use crying over spilt milk" an obscenity.
}
} September 2003: Scientists genetically engineer a cow/bacteria symbiote
} that manufactures cheese "in vivo," eliminating the need for
} post-processing.
}
} April 2004: An unexpected characteristic of the cow/bacteria symbiote
} is that it reproduces rapidly in the spring. Cheesemaking cows threaten
} to overrun all habitat areas. Humanity finally eliminates the desire to
} shout "Moo!" at cows when driving past them.
}
} October 2004: The Whole-Earth Ban on Genetic Engineering is signed by
} all 238^H^H^H 241^H^H^H 235^H^H^H ALL nations on Earth. Three research
} stations are constructed on the Moon to permit continued work without
} danger of contaminating the planet.
}
} May 2010: An Oracle incarnation turns 50, having been Digested twice.
}
} June 2010: High radiation levels from a solar flare cause an unexpected
} mutation in the original cow/bacteria symbiote, allowing it to make
} cheese from silicate rock. Attempts to destroy it by ejecting it out an
} airlock fail, instead allowing it to gradually consume the Moon's
} crust. The few surviving researchers attempt a last-ditch effort to
} convert the symbiote's metabolism to generate oxygen, thereby
} terraforming the Moon. They fail, and die in the resulting methane
} explosion.
}
} June 2017: An exceptionally hardy variety of blue-green mold which
} survived the destruction of the lunar research stations infests the
} cheese that has become the Moon's surface, giving a delicate marbled
} effect to the color. The laws of probability change drastically on
} Earth, when everything that happens "once in a blue moon" becomes
} commonplace.
}
} July 2019: 20 years after the supplicant's question, scientists from
} Earth determine that it is safe to return samples of the Moon's cheese
} to Earth. Furthermore, the combination of nutrients in the cheese is
} found to be ideal for human dietary needs. Sandy Duncan is revived from
} cryogenic storage to introduce a new line of cracker products to
} accompany the cheese.
}
} January 2020: A worldwide plague, causing symptoms of lactose
} intolerance, causes the entire human population of the Earth to
} experience malnutrition and terminal flatulence. The human race is no
} more.
}
} Greenmonth, 1803473: The bovine race that evolved to intelligence after
} humankind vanished finally eliminates the desire to shout "What?" at
} semi-domesticated simians when driving past them.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bottle of Roquefort.


1118-06    (21xni dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, wise and mighty Oracle, whose powers of love connecting make Chuck
> Woolery look like a feeble amateur,
>
> There's this stunning girl, this wonderfully intelligent and charming
> female, who seems to have taken to hanging around me occasionally.
>
> However, these outings are rare, and I'm not sure how much she really
> notices that I even exist.
>
> What can I do to get her attention?
>
>               Confused

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This depends entirely on how compatible you are. Please fill in the
} following questionnaire, awarding points from 1 to 5 to both yourself
} and the object of your desire.
}
} A. AGE
}     5 - 13-16
}     4 - 17-25
}     3 - 26-40
}     2 - 41-65
}     1 - 65 or over
}
} B. SEXUAL ORIENTATION
}     5 - Heterosexual
}     4 - Bisexual
}     3 - Homosexual
}     2 - Trappist monk
}     1 - Hasn't been taught about sex yet
}
} C. SPECIES
}     5 - Homo sapiens sapiens
}     4 - Genus Homo anyway
}     3 - Anthropoid ape
}     2 - Other (cute & furry)
}     1 - Other (slimy)
}
} D. ACCULTURATION
}     5 - Classical music, theater, museums
}     4 - Classic rock, cinema, walks in the park
}     3 - Heavy metal, bowling, drinking beer
}     2 - Rap, street fights, body piercing
}     1 - Grunting, drooling, eating bugs
}
} E. ATTRACTIVENESS - PHYSICAL
}     5 - Beautiful
}     4 - Pretty
}     3 - Plain
}     2 - Ugly
}     1 - Bill Gates
}
} F. ATTRACTIVENESS - INTELLECTUAL
}     5 - IQ 150 or over
}     4 - IQ 120-150
}     3 - IQ 100-120
}     2 - IQ 80-100
}     1 - IQ of banana slug
}
} G. ATTRACTIVENESS - FINANCIAL
}     5 - Bill Gates
}     4 - Rich
}     3 - Comfortable
}     2 - Student (arts subject)
}     1 - Student (science subject)
}
} H. ATTRACTIVENESS - CONVERSATIONAL
}     5 - The life and soul of every party
}     4 - Can hold an interesting conversation on 2 or 3 subjects
}     3 - Deaf mute
}     2 - Regular IRC user
}     1 - Student (science subject)
}
} Having added up both your scores, your plan of campaign for getting
} noticed should now be based on the difference between them, as
} indicated below.
}
} DIFFERENTIAL
} ------------
} 0-7:   You need do nothing; let's face it, you were made for each
}        other. Just cough discreetly next time she's around, and she'll
}        fall into your arms.
}
} 8-15:  Strike up a conversation. Take her out to an appropriate venue
}        based on her level of acculturation. Tell her how you feel about
}        her. Ensure alcohol flows freely. It'll take some effort and
}        probably won't last, but it can be done.
}
} 16-23: [in your favor] It actually gets easier at this point. Hit her
}        over the head with a blunt object (or take her to a heavy metal
}        concert to achieve the same effect), then drag her by the hair
}        to your bedroom bellowing "My woman!" She'll find this
}        irresistibly romantic.
}
}        [in her favor] Stalking should do the trick. She'll loathe you,
}        but she'll be in no doubt about your existence.
}
} 24-32: [in your favor] Change your name, wear a disguise and leave the
}        country. Believe me, you'll thank me in time.
}
}        [in her favor] Well, you could set fire to yourself while
}        hang-gliding nude off the Sears Tower singing "Louie Louie"
}        through a megaphone until you expire. Okay, it's not the most
}        appealing prospect imaginable, but it ought to get her attention
}        for a couple of minutes.


1122-07    (16kse dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: surfbaud@waverider.co.uk (Dave Hemming)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Gross Orakel I am of german Language and not speak to good englisch.
> Please tell where I a german Orakel can find.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, no, no - that's no good at all. You should have said "I can the
} Englisch not so good speaking". Look, if you want to be gratuitously
} offensive to people of other nationalities, you've got to at least
} get the basic speech patterns right. Otherwise you're making it much
} too hard for them to realise they're the target of your hilarious
} caricatures, see? Now, repeat after me:
}
}    "Mama mia, tell-a to me where I find-a Oraculo Italiano because-a
}    mi eenglese she'sa notso good."
}
}    "Orahcle, mon petty cabbage, disclose me if you please ze location
}    of ze grand Orahcle francophone so zat I once more can pretend I
}    do not 'ave ze anglais - pah! - I spit on it."
}
}    "Eh muchacho, you tell to me where ees the Oraculo Mexicano pretty
}    queeck, or my friend 'e sleet your throat. Comprende, hombre? Ha
}    ha ha ha ha."
}
}    "So solly, Olacre-san, prease be so good as to be terring me where
}    honolable Japanese Olacre, so I may no ronger rose face legarding
}    my shamefurry inadequate glasp of Engrish."
}
}    "Oy, schlemozel Oracle, where am I finding a kosher Yiddish Oracle
}    already? Do I look like I want to be asking questions of a goy?"
}
} Right, that ought to do it. And if one of those doesn't induce somebody
} to punch your lights out, come back to me and we'll try out a few more.
}
} You owe the Oracle a proper English English incarnation, not one of
} these semi-civilised, below-the-salt New World colonial Johnnies,
} what?


1114-06    (19isg dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, the one, the wise, the only entity alive before the Big
> Bang, the reason I get up in the morning, the one who puts the I in
> e-mail, the one who is smarter than "Ask Marylin", the one who scores
> 700 when bowling, the one who eats fear for breakfast, the one who
> scores 17 when golfing, the only one who understands the entire tax
> code of every country, the one who can travel in time and space and a
> few other confusing things, the one who sees the WSOGMM as vertical
> scrolling lines of green symbols, the only entity who can write a CD-R
> with his eyes, the one who scares rubiks cubes into alignment, the one
> who can talk the legs off a donkey and then persuade it to walk, god of
> all things large and small but more the large because they are more fun
> to play with except when you command the viruses to infect your enemies
> with diseases that make their girlfriends laugh at them when they take
> their pants off,
>
> What do you think is an appropriate grovel to question ratio?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's inversely proportional to the answer to tribute ratio.
}
} You owe the Oracle a decent pair of earplugs, a decent alarm clock, a
} provider that puts the I in ISP, the head of Marilyn Vos Savant,
} another beer, a little milk to make my bowl of fear a little less
} crunchy (and, of course, for the calcium), a little golf pencil
} sharpener, a repeal of Section 2380-3872-S-G-1076EZ because, let's face
} it, how many of us actually own our own shopping carts, an astrowatch
} that'll tell you the correct time no matter what astral plane you find
} yourself on, an accurate translation of those vertical scrolling lines
} of green symbols, a cheap pair of sunglasses, a part-time job as a
} Rubik's Chiropracter, a practical use for four donkey legs, a new pair
} of boxers and, if you happen to have one handy, the kitchen sink.


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org