[IO]
Internet Oracle
21 Oct 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 14:09:21 GMT

Best of Internet Oracularities #1151-1175

Goto:
1151-1175, 1174-09, 1154-09, 1155-02, 1156-09, 1164-03, 1166-05, 1174-10, 1167-09


Best of Internet Oracularities #1151-1175    (3.8 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 8 Sep 2000 11:25:09 -0500

Oracularities are the distilled wisdom and sagacity of the Internet
Oracle, as incarnated in its many anonymous e-mail participants.  This
collection has been compiled from the regular Oracularities postings #1151
through #1175 and contains the Oracularities rated by its readers
as among the funniest.

To find out more about the Internet Oracle, send mail to
oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line to receive
the Oracle helpfile.

The regular Oracularities postings can be found in the Usenet newsgroup
rec.humor.oracle.  Open discussion about the Internet Oracle occurs in
the newsgroup rec.humor.oracle.d.  If your site doesn't carry these
newsgroups, contact your news administrator about starting them, or
see the Oracle helpfile about subscribing to the Oracularities e-mail
distribution list.


1174-09    (47akw dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most allegedly wise and supposedly witty,
>
> I've been corresponding with you quite some time now, and I've answered
> lots of questions for you, and, if I do say so myself, I've always been
> pretty damn wise and witty.
>
> But every time I've ventured to send you a tellme, all I've ever gotten
> are lousy responses with not one iota of wisdom or wittiness to your
> name!
>
> I'm not looking for a ZOT, here, but could you just tell me why so many
> of your Incarnations seem to lack the Oracular touch?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Fear not my faithful incarnation, for tonight you will be visited by
} spirits three.
}
} I know, I know, I wanted Michael Caine and Christopher Reeve to reprise
} their roles from "Deathtrap," and answer your question in a
} dance-filled musical number with Vegas showgirls twirling Reeve around
} in his wheelchair, but on such short notice I was lucky to get the
} priests to agree to a a parody of "A Christmas Carol." Anyhoo, have a
} good night. I'm off to St. Andrews for the All Deities Invitational.
}
} > Can't we chalk this up to a bit of bad potato
} > and just pretend I got another lame answer?
}
} No, I'm afraid not. I've already paid for the costumes.
}
} > Ok, then. Good luck in the tournie.
}
} Thanks! I'll bring you a snowglobe.
}
} <pfsht! The Oracle disappears>
}
} <After a moment, the Oracle fades back in>
}
} Oh, I forgot, expect the first ghost when the bell tolls
} ooooooooooone....... ooOOOOoooOOOhhh!
}
} <the Oracle fades out again>
}
} <cut to 12:59. The supplicant is lying in bed, peering over the top of
} the covers, which he has pulled tightly up to his nose. Suddenly, the
} clock chimes out one lonely, echoing gong>
}
} <Poof! Julianna Avedon, dressed in a thin, sprightly white dress, with
} a pipe-cleaner halo and great, big, fake wings, appears in the room in
} a cloud of smoke>
}
} > Hubba hubba.
}
} Julsy: Shut up. Let's get this over with. <looking at her copy of the
} script> I am the ghost of Digests past, blahbetty blah blah blah.
} <throwing the script over her shoulder> You know the speil. Let's go.
}
} <The supplicant takes Julianna's hand and they fade through a wall.
} They reappear moments later in a darkened room. A young man sits at a
} 286, typing furiously>
}
} > Who's that?
}
} Julsy: That's Peter Grap. He's typing the answer that will be digested
} as #22-01.
}
} <Supplicant reads over Peter's shoulder>
}
} > Oof. That stinks. Peter! There's no grovel!
} > Punish him for no grovel! And you forgot to
} > include a tribute! Don't hit... send. You hit
} > send.
}
} Julsy: He can't hear you.
}
} > I don't get it. That answer sucked.
}
} Julsy: Well, you're thinking about the "old days" as somehow being
} better than today.
}
} > So you're saying that supplicants always
} > sucked and that the material that gets to
} > the digests is the exception not the rule?
}
} Julsy: Exactly. Ok, time's up, let's go.
}
} <poof! Supplicant is back in his room. Suddenly, he's startled by Paul
} Kelly, who is quite startling wearing nothing but a fur-lined bathrobe>
}
} > Lemme guess, the ghost of Digests present.
}
} Paul: Yup, let's go.
}
} <Paul waves his hand and he and the supplicant reappear moments later
} in a darkened room. A young man sits at a K-6, typing furiously>
}
} > Is that Peter Grap?
}
} Paul: No. That's Steve-Q. He's writing the answer that will become
} #1175-04.
}
} <Supplicant reads over Steve-Q's shoulder>
}
} > Oof. That's worse than the answer Peter gave.
} > Ok, Paul, I don't get it.
}
} Paul: It's simple, really, there's such an overwhelming amount of crap,
} that we get lucky when we find funny answers. That's why the digests
} come out so far apart. Sometimes, it's down to a matter of just picking
} answers that stink less than the others. Every once in a while, really
} funny answers get lost in the cracks. Ok, we gotta split, you're late
} for the last ghost.
}
} <Paul waves his hand and the supplicant appears back in his room. A
} figure in a black cape and hood is standing, tapping his foot
} impatiently when he gets there>
}
} > Ok, ok, I'm sorry. Paul wouldn't stop yacking.
}
} <Slowly, the figure reaches his right arm up to reveal a Hook where the
} hand should be, then turns the Hook toward his left arm and taps his
} watch>
}
} > Hook? When did you become a priest?
}
} Hook: In 2003, when all the other priests quit in disgust after JIM's
} baboon/proctologist challenge to RHOD. Ok, lets go.
}
} <Hook waves his scythe and he and the supplicant appear later in a
} darkened room. A young man sits at a micro terminal, dictating an
} answer>
}
} Young man: *ZOT!*
}
} > You're kidding. Years from now they'll still
} > be giving *ZOT!* as an answer?
}
} Hook: No no no. Since I became priest, all plagiarized answers were
} banned. *ZOT!* is the only thing that can get into the digests without
} borrowing from another answer, so EVERY answer is a *ZOT!*
}
} > No spirit! This can't be! Please tell me this
} > is a future that *may* be! That the future is
} > not set in stone!
}
} <suddenly the supplicant appears back in his own bed. He rushes to the
} window and sticks his head out>
}
} > YOU! You there! Yes you! What day is it?
}
} Bum: You got change? Spare change? *hic*
}
} > Oh dammit.
}
} <Supplicant turns on CNN and finds it is still the year 2000>
}
} > I'm not too late! I can change the future! I will
} > be a great incarnation! I'll spread the word and
} > others will be great incarnations as well! We
} > *can* save the future of the Oracle!
}
} <Just then the Oracle walks out of the supplicant's closet carrying a
} bag of clubs>
}
} Hey. How'd it go?
}
} > Pretty good. And you?
}
} Not bad. Zeus kicked butt... again. Oh! Hey, here's your snowglobe.
}
} > Thanks man.
}
} See ya.
}
} > Catch ya later.
}
}
} And if you owe the Oracle anything, it's that you will be better than
} your word, that you will do it all and infinitely more. Because God
} help us, every one, if Hook becomes a priest.


1154-09    (57gmu dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle,
>
> How can I use email and the Internet. Acutally, all I want to do is to
> ask you questions and read Oracularity digests.
>
> Many thanks.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, you see, it all started when I was summoned by the Oracle. The
} summons took the usual form, that is, one of the senior priests - Otis,
} in this instance - came and grabbed me by the ear and dragged me to the
} Oracular Chamber, struggling and protesting. He propelled me into said
} Chamber with a well-placed boot on the seat of the pants. I sometimes
} think that the Oracle believes my resulting entrance - bursting in and
} falling on my hands and knees - is some sort of deliberate devotional
} exercise on my part, which shows you how much *he* knows.
}
} Yes, yes, I'm getting to the point. What happened next on this occasion
} was that the Oracle held up a scrap of paper and asked, "Zadoc, what
} the hell is this?"
}
} Now you have to be very careful when the Oracle asks something like
} "Zadoc, what the hell is this?" because, more often than not, the
} question has some hidden meaning. But I couldn't divine what that might
} be, so I went for the direct approach and hoped for the best. "Lord, it
} looks like a piece of paper."
}
} "Is that what it is?" asked the Oracle, adopting his usual tone of
} ponderous sarcasm which is, if you want my opinion, unbecoming of a
} supreme being. "Well I never! Thank you for clearing that up for me,
} Zadoc. I'm so glad I summoned you clear across the temple and dragged
} you away from whatever important loafing you were getting on with so
} you could supply me with that piece of intelligence."
}
} "Will that be all, Master?" I asked hopefully.
}
} "Idiot!" he bellowed. "Of course it's a piece of paper! But what is its
} significance?"
}
} It was as I feared: he was in one of his ah-Grasshopper-one-hand-
} clapping sort of moods. I prevaricated. "Ah well, what is the
} significance of any item of everyday stationery in the grand scheme of
} things, after all? Do Post-it notes really matter? Do paperclips? And
} what is one to read into those balls of rubber bands all wrapped around
} each other that you so often find in the bottom drawers of other
} people's desks? Could it be that..."
}
} "Shut up, shut up, shut UP!" cried the Oracle. "For bog's sake, Zadoc,
} all I want to know is, did you slip this piece of paper under my door
} this morning?"
}
} Enlightenment dawned. "Oh, *that* piece of paper!"
}
} "Yes, *that* piece of paper! The one with the question about using
} email and the Internet. Well, did you?"
}
} "Yes, Master."
}
} The Oracle heaved a sigh and ran his hand across his brow. "Thank
} goodness we got that sorted out. Who's it from?"
}
} I was puzzled by this sudden obtuse question. "Why, from me, Master."
}
} "THE QUESTION!" he screamed, and buried his head in his hands. Perhaps
} he had a headache. That would explain why he was so particularly tetchy
} today.
}
} "Oh, ah. From a supplicant. He asked me to give it to you."
}
} "Which supplicant?"
}
} "I don't know. They all look the same to me."
}
} "So how would you like me to answer?"
}
} "Well, far be it from a humble worm of a priest like me to give you
} tips on answering questions, but I would have thought something along
} the lines of..."
}
} "No, merde-for-brains! I don't want to know what my answer should be, I
} want to know how I'm going to answer!"
}
} Damn, he'd gone cosmic on me again. I did my best. "The way I see it,
} Master, is that somewhere in that gigantic intellect of yours there is
} a little bundle of neurones whose sole purpose in life is to recognise
} strings of words that form a question. Now these neurones must be
} linked to a colossal array of..."
}
} My discourse was interrupted by a paperweight hitting me on the
} forehead. When I recovered consciousness, I saw that the Oracle had
} regained some of his composure. Random acts of violence often have that
} effect on him.
}
} "How do I normally transmit my wisdom to supplicants, Zadoc?" he asked
} equably, changing the subject.
}
} "By email?" I ventured.
}
} "Very good! Go to the top of the class. But this supplicant doesn't
} know how to use email, does he? He tells us so. So how do I communicate
} with him?"
}
} "Snailmail," I said with more confidence. These at least were questions
} I could get a handle on: simple and to the point.
}
} "So you made a note of the supplicant's address, did you?" he asked
} innocently.
}
} "Oh." I realised it had all just been another one of his traps designed
} to make me look foolish. It's so unfair! My mother will tell you how
} bright I really am.
}
} "Didn't think so," said the Oracle. "So here's what I've done. While
} you were lying there admiring the ceiling, I wrote my answer on the
} back of this self-same slip of paper. You may now deliver it to the
} supplicant personally."
}
} "How should I do that?"
}
} He switched back to ponderous sarcasm mode. "Well, far be it from me to
} give a humble worm of a priest like you tips on delivering messages,
} but I would have thought something along the lines of putting the piece
} of paper in one hand, opening the door with the other and then..."
}
} "No, Master," I cried, my agitation causing me to forget myself to the
} extent of interrupting him in mid-rant. "I meant, how do I find this
} supplicant?"
}
} "That's your problem," said the Oracle mercilessly. "If it were me, I'd
} start next door. Cheer up, Zadoc - there can't be much more than 6
} billion people in the world who don't know how to use email. It has to
} be one of them."
}
} So anyway, the upshot is, I'm here to ask... Oh, it wasn't you, eh? No,
} I didn't really expect it would be. You wouldn't happen to know whether
} your neighbors are Net-savvy, would you? Well, thank you very much for
} your time.
}
} *sigh*
}
} Fifteen down, 6,049,401,806 to go.


1155-02    (1admm dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, what are the b0rk?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They're a major plot element in one of the new _Star Trek_ series
} currently undergoing test marketing by Paramount.  You see, in an
} attempt to continue Trek's control of the coveted "geek demographic"
} (and to cut production costs), they're considering setting this new
} Trek in the present-day Usenet, and having it involve the exploration
} of newsgroups, not planets.  Here, I'll give you the plot summaries
} for some of the upcoming episodes:
}
} #001 "New Group"
}
} The newly commissioned U.S.S. SLRN, under the command of Captain Kibo,
} is intercepted by a powerful being identifying itself as "David
} Lawrence", who attempts to hold the crew responsible for the whole
} rec.music.white-power fiasco.
}
} #002 "Holy War"
}
} The SLRN encounters a poster who has been isolated from the net for
} many years, and must prevent him from unwittingly restarting the Big
} Endian vs. Little Endian flamewar.
}
} #003 "Memetics"
}
} A signature virus infects Captain Kibo, causing his posts to become
} dangerously unstable and provoking a Warlord attack.
}
} #004 "Archimedes"
}
} Science Officer McElwaine REPRODUCES and DISSEMINATES some IMPORTANT
} Information that may help the crew acquire some much-needed Plutonium.
}
} #005 "Lurker"
}
} The SLRN must study a race of primitive W4R3Z D00DZ without
} interfering with their cultural development.
}
} #006 "Make Money Fast"
}
} During a routine upgrade of the SLRN's filters, the Spammers attack,
} and trap the crew inside a giant, bandwidth-draining pyramid.
}
} #007 "Turkey"
}
} Lieutenant Commander Argic attempts discover his inner humanity.
}
} #008 "Infinitive"
}
} Soon after the admittance of alt.usage.english into the United
} Federation of Geeks, the SLRN receives new orders: The crew is no
} longer to boldly go where no one has gone before, but is now to go
} boldly.
}
} #009 "In the Pale CRT-Light"
}
} The new AOL-Time Warner alliance threatens the stability of the ALT
} Quadrant, and Kibo must consider bringing the Microsofties onto the
} Federation's side.
}
} #010 "The b0rk"
}
} alt.swedish.chef.encounter.fight.lose
} alt.captain.kibo.kidnap.implant.modify
} alt.helpless.federation.attack.destroy.control
} alt.powerful.chef.win.win.win
} alt.correct.everyone.talk.speak.post
}
} alt.no.joke.is.is.is
} alt.oracular.knowledge.obtain.have.use
} alt.puny.supplicant.assimilate.assimilate.assimilate
} alt.futile.resistance.is.is.is
} alt.irrelevant.strength.is.is.is
} alt.current.life.gone.gone.gone
}
} alt.b0rk.service.owe.owe.owe


1156-09    (35fsm dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle Most Wise,
>
> What are the most common errors that cats commit?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} THE TOP 10 MOST COMMON ERRORS THAT CATS COMMIT
} ----------------------------------------------
}
} 10) I before E except after C. The number of times I've seen cats write
} "seige" and "recieve" is no joke.
}
} 9) Leading from under the ace.
}
} 8) Kirk never said "Beam me up, Scotty", and Bogey never said "Play it
} again, Sam", but you try telling a cat that.
}
} 7) When programming in C, they invariably forget to allocate space for
} strings. It's us humans get stuck with having to sort out the resulting
} mess of dangling references and random changes in the value of
} variables.
}
} 6) Their blinkered, knee-jerk adherence to a policy of appeasement
} towards aggressors. It didn't work with Hitler, it doesn't work with
} next door's Rottweiller.
}
} 5) Over-reliance on the cross-court topspin drive from the backhand
} court.
}
} 4) When preparing their tax returns and taking the standard deduction,
} they either don't remember to check the appropriate box if they or
} their spouse are age 65 or over or blind, or if they do, they fail to
} enter the correct amount on line 21 of Form 1040A or line 36 of Form
} 1040.
}
} 3) Any human chemistry student will tell you to add water gently to a
} mixture of sodium peroxide and zinc powder, but cats, they just squirt
} it on with gay abandon. I don't think I'll ever get the smell of
} Bactine and scorched fur out of my nostrils.
}
} 2) They completely fail to understand the difference between the
} statements "It is neither true nor false that there will be fish for
} dinner tonight" and "It is true that there will or will not be fish for
} dinner tonight". Thus they affirm the law of excluded middle whilst at
} the same time denying the principle of bivalence in the case of future
} contingent propositions, a mistake no human logician would ever make.
}
} ... and finally, The Number One Most Common Error That Cats Commit:
}
} 1) Doing their business in my herbaceous borders. Yes, that's why
} Mister Tibbles never came home. You may pay your respects at the third
} rosebush from the ornamental pond.


1164-03    (16hDh dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle most picayunish and duplicitous,
>
> Are the laws of -really- physics constant through out the universe?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Certainly. Unfortunately, there are very few parts of the universe that
} acually use -really- physics. The predominant form, -sorta- physics
} (in which twins fly off in rocket ships and butterflies cause
} hurricanes), is far from constant. It varies as a direct relation with
} time -- but in -sorta- physics, time varies with velocity, which varies
} with force, which varies with mass, which varies with gravity, which
} varies over time.
}
} This is still preferable to -vaguely- physics (in which butterflies fly
} off in rocket ships and twins cause hurricanes). Its laws vary with the
} value of the dollar, which varies with the inverse cube of the mean
} amount of Brownian motion in each cup of tea being poured in
} Staffordshire-oEton, which in turn varies with itself.
}
} And we should all be glad that there are only three planets in the
} known universe which experience -notreallyphysicsatall- physics (in
} which hurricanes fly off in twins and butterflies cause rocket ships).
} The laws of -noreallyphysicsatall- remain constant at all times. The
} problem is that the definition of 'constant' varies with respect to the
} digits of pi.
}
} Now doesn't Einstein sound a lot more sane, all things considered?
}
} You owe the Oracle a complete textbook on each flavor of physics
} described herein, with proper annotations.


1166-05    (28gxj dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence (lawrence.4@osu.edu)" <mtlrph@excite.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Wise and Mighty Oracle, who could do justice to a crossover episode
> of Friends with the cast of the Sopranos guesting...
>
> It's that time of year when the television networks reflect on the
> previous season and set the schedules for the next. I hear some of the
> new shows are a bit of a stretch, some old favorites are switching
> networks, and a few past-their-prime shows are not coming back,
> save for the occasional made-for-TV movie.
>
> So what, exactly, can we look forward to this fall?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The forests will be less crowded as fewer city dwellers escape the
} summer heat.  The aspen and birch will burst into gold, the maples
} will explode in crimson.  Foraging animals will be easier to watch as
} the twilight ends each day a few minutes earlier.  That spectacular
} array of lights splashed across the evening sky will be the Milky Way.
} The full moon on a light sprinkling of snow will make the silent
} world dazzle.  The pink and orange hues of the rising sun on the high
} thin clouds of daybreak will make the chilly morning worth waiting for.
}
} And you won't see a minute of it.
}
} You owe the Oracle a hammer.


1174-10    (46his dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> With all the stuff I need to get done, I could really use a 30-hour day
> instead of these piddling little 24-hour ones.  What are my chances?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Welcome to the Oracular Interplanetary Travel Agency!
}
} Here, we take our time to bring YOU, the harried, overworked supplicant
} to the planet that best suits your needs!  Take a look at our brochure!
} We've conveniently listed the pros and cons of each planet most likely
} to be relevant to your position...
}
} MERCURY
}
} Pros:
}
} - Each local day is almost sixty terrestrial days long!  You can lose
} ten pounds, initiate a short-term relationship, or learn a foreign
} language before lunch!
}
} Cons:
}
}  - The local year is only about one and a half local days long...
} Meaning tax day will come far too often for your liking.  As will
} having to send Christmas cards and the Miss Mercury pageant.
}
}  - There is no atmosphere, meaning actually speaking the foreign
} language will be difficult.
}
}  - The average temperature during the day is over 700 degrees
} Fahrenheit, meaning you'll probably lose those ten pounds really
} quickly, especially if you're a sunbather.
}
}  - The average temperature at night is under minus 300 degrees
} Fahrenheit, meaning you'll want those ten pounds back for insulation,
} if you survive that long.
}
}  - The planet is completely uninhabitable, so there's no one to start a
} long-term relationship with, assuming you survive long enough to worry
} about that sort of thing before either being reduced to a charred
} fragment of dead tissue (if you arrive during the day) or a frozen
} fragment of dead tissue (if you arrive at night).
}
} VENUS
}
} Pros:
}
}  - A whole two hundred forty-three terrestrial days per local day!
} That's right, from now on a school year will only take one day!
} Hallelujah!
}
} Cons:
}
}  - The local year is actually shorter than the local day, meaning
} you'll have to spend a lot of money buying new calendars.
}
}  - The atmosphere is deadly toxic sulfur fumes, which makes sitting in
} class just that much more annoying.  (And you thought sitting next to
} "Sweaty" Sullivan was bad...)
}
}  - The planet is completely obscured by clouds of deadly sulfuric acid,
} so you'll have a hard time getting home for the holidays.
}
}  - The above fact means the planet is constantly plunged in darkness,
} making life difficult for people who enjoy stargazing, sunbathing,
} reading, walking around, etc.
}
}  - The temperature is over 840 degrees Fahrenheit, so summer vacation
} will become that much less appealing.  Not that there are seasons, or
} anything...
}
}  - You think your classroom's stuffy?  The greenhouse effect makes this
} planet the hottest planet in the whole friggin' Solar System, over 840
} degrees Fahrenheit.
}
}  - The planet is completely uninhabitable, so higher education won't do
} you much good here.  No matter what your degree, there are few
} high-paying jobs for fried, poisoned, acid-burned carcasses.
}
} THE MOON
}
} Pros:
}
}  - The day is about the same as a terrestrial month, which is why the
} Moon always has the same face turned toward Earth.  Not only does this
} mean you can keep in touch with everyone much more easily, but you can
} head over to the other side when you wanna be alone for a while.  Plus,
} now every day is payday!
}
} Cons:
}
}  - During the day, it's boiling hot, literally, over 200 degrees at
} night, it's less than minus 200 degrees Fahrenheit, not too fun no
} matter which shift you work.
}
}  - The gravity is less than a sixth of Earth's, which is all very fun
} in the beginning (remember all those Apollo guys' antics?) but it gets
} kind of frustrating bouncing halfway across the landscape every time
} you take a step.  And you may be losing weight, but you won't actually
} look any different.  (Well, except that you're turning all blue from
} oxygen loss and your skin's puckering from the radiation burns, but
} that's a different con.)
}
}  - There's absolutely no atmosphere at all, which, while a big con for
} a restaurant, is an even bigger one for a planet (or satellite, which
} is what the Moon technically is, all right, you picky people?)
} Likewise, no water, unless you can find that crater those news people
} got so excited about.  Air and water are not only vital working
} conditions that any self-respecting union will demand for its members,
} they are also vital to ensuring that you remain, well, vital.  This is
} why there are no unions, as yet, for Moon labor.
}
}  - Frankly, the place is completely uninhabitable.  (Noticing a trend?)
} The only reason people came here at all was for a big publicity stunt
} that probably won't benefit you much unless you're a Congressman with
} big interests in the space program.  If you are, then go right ahead!
} Sure beats having more of you guys on Earth...
}
} MARS
}
} Pros:
}
}  - The local day is just about the same as a terrestrial day, except
} there's an extra half-hour every day!  Perfect for watching an extra
} episode of Seinfeld, or playing one more game of Horse before having to
} head home.
}
} Cons:
}
}  - The year is nearly twice as long as a terrestrial year, meaning it
} can really drag by sometimes.  Mars has seasons, so you'll have to
} spend that much longer waiting for the spring.
}
}  - The temperature is freezing even in the day, and gets down below 200
} degrees at night, making it a less than ideal spot to play basketball.
}
}  - The planet is regularly racked by huge, sweeping dust storms, making
} it less than ideal for ANY outdoor sport, or for watching TV.
}
}  - While there are sources of water near the poles, they are mixed with
} dry ice, which tends to burn rather badly when you stick it in your
} mouth.  Not the kind of thing you want to worry about after a sweaty
} game.
}
}  - The atmosphere is a nearly nonexistent layer of carbon dioxide,
} making it kind of hard to catch your breath after a long game, or a
} particularly hilarious Kramer moment.
}
}  - The gravity here is less than half that of Earth, which might
} improve your jump shot, but, on the other hand, is more likely to make
} it nearly impossible for you to walk normally and will eventually
} weaken your bones and muscles to the point when going back into Earth
} gravity would kill you.  Not a great way to stay in shape.
}
}  - Though not completely uninhabitable, surviving out here would be
} danged difficult, and most of us wouldn't want to try without a
} several-billion-dollar NASA budget behind us.  Since you already have
} so much to do, obtaining one of those might be... difficult.  You'd
} have a hard time getting a partner for Horse, and I don't think Mission
} Control would go for spending millions of dollars to transmit Seinfeld
} to you.  Not even the last episode.
}
} JUPITER
}
} Pros:
}
}  - Well, the day is only about ten hours long, which may seem like a
} bad thing for someone with your schedule, but actually it means that
} you'll have many more days in a year to get things done in!  Because a
} local year is about twelve terrestrial years, meaning that your kids
} will be halfway to college when they're only a year old!  And with
} nearly 44,000 days in every year, think how long you can stretch your
} vacation time!  And think how long it will be between tax days...
}
} Cons:
}
}  - The gravity is over twice that of Earth's, so it'll be a real drag
} running around having to do everything all year.  Keep in mind, though,
} that while you've gained weight, you won't actually look any different
} (except for being ripped and blasted into a fine mist of atoms, but
} that's a different con.)
}
}  - The planet doesn't really have a surface, in fact, it's a big, mushy
} mass of gooey liquids and gases.  Sounds like it'd be fun living in a
} big swimming pool or mud hole?  Maybe, except it ain't water, but
} compressed hydrogen, methane, and other stuff.  Kind of like the stuff
} you find in a swamp or a giant fart, only under such high pressure it's
} liquid.  Not too appealing a place to raise your kids.
}
}  - About that pressure.  Towards the center of Jupiter, hydrogen is
} actually turned into a metal, that's right, a metal by the forces
} there.  Imagine what it'd do to a human body.  That's right, you'd slim
} down a whole lot, in fact, be squashed into a teeny-weeny ball of
} barely recognizable organic compounds, if not for the tidal forces (ask
} a physics guru) that would rip you into a fine mist of organic
} compounds first that will quickly dissolve in the roiling maelstrom of
} whirling gases.  So you really wouldn't have that much time to put your
} kids through college; in fact, you'd have to work pretty fast to have
} kids at all.
}
}  - Did your mother warn you not to sit too close to the TV screen?
} Well, the menacing power output of a CRT is nothing compared to the
} intense Van Allen belts Jupiter's got.  We're talking more radiation
} than a nuke test, here. If you ever did have kids, I wouldn't even
} wanna see their birth defects. Assuming they survived at all, or you
} survived long enough to have kids, and were able to find someone else
} stupid enough to come along with you to have kids here, in which case I
} doubt I want the two of you in my gene pool in the first place.
}
}  - The Perfect Storm, in fact, has nothing to do with Tom Hanks,
} Massachusetts fishermen, or big Hollywood blockbusters.  You want a
} storm? The Great Red Spot ain't no 7-Up gimmick, it's in fact a
} hurricane big enough to swallow the planet Earth, and quite easily rip
} any puny human into a whiff of component atoms.  Assuming one of the
} other, smaller storms that make up the whole of Jupiter's surface
} didn't get you first.  Okay, so maybe it wouldn't be as painful as an
} IRS audit, but it would be more permanent.
}
}  - And heat?  If you lived on Jupiter, sunbathing would become
} irrelevant. Jupiter actually gives off more heat than it gets from the
} Sun; Sol would be just another star in the sky for you.  Because
} Jupiter can get as hot as 54,000 degrees.  Whoo!  If there's any reason
} to move air conditioning from "luxury" to "necessary utility" on a
} report form, it's this.
}
}  - So, needless to say, Jupiter is completely, totally uninhabitable.
} The very notion is silly.  Of course, so is this whole brochure, but
} you've probably caught onto that by now.  In fact, this whole spiel
} applies, to a lesser degree, to all the gas giants, so let's just skip
} them all, shall we? (Oh, and by the way, you can't live on Saturn's
} rings.  Since they're really a thin whirling band of tiny ice and dust
} particles, you'd slip right through them and be buffeted to death by
} the little projectiles.  If the vacuum didn't kill you first.  We wish
} we could be a more friendly travel agency, but hey, this is space.)
}
} PLUTO
}
} Pros:
}
}  - Well, thankfully, it's not a gas giant, so there's actually
} something to stand on.  A day here is almost a terrestrial week, which
} is nice.  You get to take weekends off every day!  Great for going
} golfing, and for catching all your favorite shows every day.
}
} Cons:
}
}  - The local year is about two hundred fifty Earth years.  Unless
} you're reeeaalllllyyy healthy (which is difficult, on Pluto), you'll
} never live to see another New Year's party in your life.  Think about
} it.
}
}  - Ahem.  No atmosphere.  Closest thing we've got is a few wisps of
} methane floating around...  And having that kind of atmosphere is kinda
} like going on a date with your sister.  I mean, it only counts in the
} smallest, most basic sense.  No one even knew it was there till they
} built the Hubble.  In fact, any sort of gas will probably just turn
} liquid right here.  Since you kind of need gases in the air to breathe,
} this is not good.  Think what golfing would be like... "Watch out for
} that oxygen trap!"  Hell, the surface is basically made of frozen AIR,
} for crying out loud, solid nitrogen!  Solid!  And sure, golfing is not
} the most strenuous sport, but you need to take a breath sometime...  Of
} course, you can wait for when Pluto crosses Neptune's orbit and warms
} up a tad and a few choice gases temporarily escape into the atmosphere,
} but don't you just hate having to schedule golf dates that way? Bad
} enough to wait for the weather to clear up, worse to wait for an
} atmosphere to breathe...
}
}  - Golfing is best on nice, balmy, sunny summer days.  It loses much of
} its charm on a planet so far away from the Sun that it's basically as
} close to being in interstellar space as you can get in our Solar System
} so that you're so close to absolute zero you can actually lean over and
} wave "Hi" to it, if your limbs hadn't turned to solidified icicles
} already and there were actually air to breathe and say "Hi" with, where
} you can't even tell where the friggin' Sun is without an astronomical
} chart.
}
}  - Gravity?  Ha!  Since no one's ever bothered to actually land on the
} thing, no one can tell us how much there is, but just by looking at it
} we can tell the thing's smaller than the Moon.  Be a real pain chasing
} golf balls like that...
}
}  - Basically, you guessed it, the planet is completely uninhabitable.
} More than that, no one's even taken good pictures of it yet; pretty
} hard for the probes to catch.  Not only does that make it hard to
} schedule a golf date there, it wouldn't be the best place to kick back
} for some TV viewing.  You think the time zone confusion from living in
} Central is bad?  Try getting all the shows five and a half hours late,
} cause that's how long it'd take for signals to reach you.  And they'd
} be all fuzzy and staticy too, which I hate.
}
} THE SUN
}
} Pros:
}
}  - Technically, the Sun takes 25 terrestrial days to make one rotation,
} so that's a "day".  But since the Sun IS the source of light in the
} Solar System, it's always day here!  That's right, you never have to go
} back inside at sunset again; it doesn't exist!  Haven't you ever wished
} the Sun could keep shining forever when you were at the beach?
} Sun-worshippers, this is your paradise!
}
} Cons:
}
}  - There ain't a real year, here, cause you're at the center of the
} Solar System.  But the Sun does make a revolution around the center of
} the Milky Way, which is sort of a year.  Unfortunately, that year is
} 225,000,000 terrestrial years long.  A long time between New Year's
} parties even for an immortal deity.  (Then again, you won't have to
} remember people's birthdays...)
}
}  - Ahem.  I'm assuming that even little kids know this, so I won't
} spell it out... Oh, heck, why not.  YOU'LL GET COMPLETELY
} INCINERATED!!!!  Geez, you thought gas giants were bad, this is an
} actual star, here!  Hell, even four-year-olds know that even SUPERMAN
} can't survive flying into the Sun, so how the hell do you, Mr./Ms.
} Pitiful Human Supplicant Who Can't Even Handle A Miniscule Daily
} Schedule, expect not to get dragged into the Sun by its incredible
} gravity and basically annihilated by the ten-thousand degree
} temperatures?!?  Are you insane!?!  We wouldn't even be able to strain
} out which atoms were yours, they'll get whooshed into the whole
} streaming mess of nuclear fusion before you can blink your
} fusion-torched eyes!  We're talking actual molecular disintegration
} here, like in science fiction!  You'd have to be one HELL of a devoted
} sun-worshipper to actually come here!  (Man, I wish I had worshippers
} that devoted... I can't even get Zadoc to go to a Santana concert with
} me.)  Er, sorry.  But I just felt I had to make that point strongly.
}
} COMET HALLEY
}
} Pros:
}
}  - Hey, everyone knows about this place.  You'll be famous every time
} you show up on Earth!  The year is 76 terrestrial years long, giving
} you plenty of time to live a full life, retire with a pension, and die
} of arteriosclerosis before ever seeing another tax day.
}
} Cons:
}
}  - You'll spend most of those 76 years far away from the Sun, freezing
} to death in the utter cold of interplanetary space.  Heart attacks may
} not be pleasant, but they're probably preferable to that.
}
}  - Uh, there isn't much to actually live on.  It's basically a dirty
} snowball with the surface area of a state park.  If you manage to avoid
} falling off, since the gravity ain't gonna hold you on long, you'll
} probably get bored with the scenery real fast.
}
}  - That beautiful comet tail is really gases unfreezing and lighting up
} like a neon sign from solar radiation.  In case you didn't guess, these
} are not healthy gases.  And neither is the solar radiation.
}
}  - It's completely uninhabitable.  Besides, do you really want to bear
} the guilt of living someplace that has unwittingly caused panic, fear,
} and riots from its mere appearance on Earth in the past?  Okay, even if
} you do, it's not worth moving there.  You can start a comet cult right
} here, and you don't even actually have to know anything about comets!
}
} MOUNT OLYMPUS
}
} Pros:
}
}  - Now this is more like it.  Existing on a parallel plane of
} mythological existence will free you from all those nasty laws of
} physics and crap that make life so difficult in the mortal realms.  Day
} and Night will be at your beck and call; you will no longer be
} controlled by schedules, and will have all of Eternity to complete
} whatever tasks you might wish in utmost bliss and relaxation.
}
} Cons:
}
}  - To get admitted here, you technically have to be a god.  And, though
} your opinion might differ, you probably aren't.  To gain divine status,
} you have to either be of divine ancestry (watch your parents for signs
} of shapeshifting when they get agitated), or perform such actions as
} slaying a horrible demon monster beast, or winning a major world war,
} or bearing a god's child.  Since your schedule is already so packed, I
} doubt you'd be able to fit any of these in.
}
}  - It doesn't actually exist, so you'll only be able to get there if
} you're a fictional character, like me.  Tough breaks.
}
} So, all in all, it looks like you'd have the best luck staying on...
}
} EARTH
}
} Cons:
}
}  - You've been here long enough and are probably bored with it.
}
}  - The same old 24-hour, 365-day month and all its attendant problems.
}
}  - You probably know all of the rest already.
}
} Pros:
}
}  - Not far to travel.
}
}  - It's actually possible to live here.  At least for the near future,
} anyway, until those waste drums start to leak...  But never mind.
}
} So, with all this useful information in hand, we hope you'll be making
} the right choice for your next travel destination, and we hope you'll
} continue to use Oracular Travel Services in the future!
}
} You owe the Oracle a vacation in the Pleiades.


1167-09    (18loj dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oh great internet oracle who knows all and sees all, at least when you
> are not sticking your head into a giant jar of Miracle Whip, asnwer
> please my confounding condundrum...
>
> What the heck is with that moron in front of me doing 45 in the left
> lane of the highway, and how come I can't get over to pass him?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle, and all the others on the parkway as well, are far more
} concerned about you using your laptop to send me messages as you
} drive.


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org