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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Your turn.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Orrie: } }    X |   | }   ----------- }      |   | }   ----------- }      | O | } } Commentary: An unorthodox counter by The Oracle playing, as }             always, "O". } } Supplicant: } }    X | X | }   ----------- }      |   | }   ----------- }      | O | } } Commentary: A rather straight forward, but counter- }             intuitive counter move by the supplicant. } } Orrie: +1 } }    X | X | Y }   ----------- }      |   | }   ----------- }      | O | } } Commentary: Orrie scores with a chromosome reference! } } Supplicant: } }    X | X | Y }   ----------- }      |   | }   ----------- }    S | O | } } Commentary: Clearly shaken by The Oracle's last move }             the supplicant lashes out blindly. } } Orrie: +1 } }    X | X | Y }   ----------- }    E |   | }   ----------- }    S | O | } } Commentary: Oracle scores with a reverse vertical, that }             cleverly alludes to his first point. } } Supplicant: +1 } }    X | X | Y }   ----------- }    E |   | }   ----------- }    S | O | S } } Commentary: Hello Freud, the supplicant telegraphs his }             state of mind. } } Orrie: +2 } }    X | X | Y }   ----------- }    E | E | }   ----------- }    S | O | S } } Commentary: A double for Orrie! And talk about one track, but }             the crowd loves it and goes wild. Judges rule XEO }             too obscure, Oracle shrugs it off. } } Supplicant: +1 } }    X | X | Y }   ----------- }    E | E | E }   ----------- }    S | O | S } } Commentary: Judges ruled 'Triple E' as inadmissible, despite }             the supplicant's spirited arguments that it is }             'a shoe size joke that alludes to the size of }              one's feet and the relation of same to one's }              meat'. } }             Oracle wins: 4 to 2 } } You owe the Oracle a signed copy of 'The Glass Bead Game'.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I humble myself before you, for I am but a lowly community college > student on a perilious quest to seek and obtain the pinnacle of > CC achievement, the sacred parchment known to the initiated as the > Associate of Arts degree. I have not as yet, officially, declared a > major, but I intend to make a meager living as a writer, perhaps as a > junior copywriter at some two-bit ad agency or submitting short story > after story to literary journals only to be continually rejected and > wind up working at Illuminations, the art-of-living candle store in > the mall. Because I will have no medical insurance, I will no longer > be able to afford my Zoloft, and will spiral into a depression that > leaves me unable to take care of myself or pay rent. I will wander > the streets of downtown Portland with my shopping cart filled with > my works dating back to 4th grade and give public readings to the > pigeons and statues in the park blocks while the Portland State > University transfer students point to me and say "Yeah, that crazy > chick was in my creative writing class at PCC."  And all because I > could not concieve of an idea that would justify the use of 4 pieces > of computer paper.  Please, suggest to me a character to build upon, > a situation, what-have-you, so that I may snap out of this fog. > In receipt of this, O' Oracle, I will name my character after you. > Bless you, Generous deity, Guide of lost souls and Creator of all > fictional characters. > > KerouwackedOut in Portland, OR

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I too know the heartache of having writer's block. At least you can } write what you like! Imagine if you could only answer questions someone } else asked... } } This how-to document should give you near-infinite characters and } situations for your writing. Hopefully this will lift you out of your } impending Zoloft-bereft depression. It might help if you lift you out } of Portland as well. } } How to create a new fictional character in three easy steps: } } 1. Select a famous person from history (must be deceased). } 2. Select a famous person currently living. This second person should } not have ever had the faintest possibility of meeting the first person. } 3. Combine the two into a single person and see what develops. } } For example, I will pick Genghis Khan and Martha Stewart. Now I put my } new character into a situation and start writing! } } Martha Khan stepped lightly through the field of wildflowers, pausing } occasionally to disembowel one of the attacking Mongols with a melon } baller. "How badly these invading rabble dress!" she thought to herself } after deftfully removing the spleen of a particularly hairy swordsman. } She applied lemon rind to the organ and placed it in a hand-woven urn } basket decorated with eucalyptus and white baby's breath as a warning } to others and turned her attentions to cutting a fresh flower bouquet } with a dagger pulled from the back of an unfortunate bowman. Her } freshly painted nails glinted in the morning light and matched } perfectly with her hand-woven sun dress dyed with natural onion-skins } and printed with potato halves cut into patterns and dipped in human } blood. "Ah, it's good to be alive," she said to no one in particular, } reaching down to even the sideburns of the decapitated head lying at } her feet. Her pace quickened as she passed the stakes of severed heads } and headed for her yurt to prepare breakfast for the rest of her Mongol } hoard. "I think we will attack in the salmon turtlenecks today Gonthar" } she told her second in command as she entered the dwelling. "And } freshen up the heads in the yard with mint leaves. It will help keep } the flies down." He bowed, trying to hide the fact that he was missing } several fingers on his right hand, and backed toward the exit. He was } exceedingly careful not to wrinkle his newly pressed doeskin tunic, for } he knew better than most the punishment for being inappropriately } attired for a formal ambush. } } You owe the Oracle a K-mart commercial containing a melon baller and } someone's spleen.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Is that a woodchuck in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [The teacher draws the curtains and dims the lights after } pulling down the screen over the blackboard.  She walks } to the back of the room towards the filmstrip projector } saying "Now this is very important, no talking or giggling. } We have time for some questions afterwards."  All the } girls are in the room next door presumably seeing their } "special" filmstrip. } } The phonograph needle is dropped on a warped record and } some tinkly theme music starts up unevenly...] } } <Titles: Oracle Education Services presents> } } *BEEP* [schlick-tick] } } <Titles: Number 4 in the "Why is hair growing there?" }          series> } } *BEEP* [schlick-tick] } } <Titles: Growing up: The woodchuck in your pocket and you> } } *BEEP* [schlick-tick] } } Narrator: [Picture of boy walking down a suburban street] }           This is Timmy.  Timmy is a normal American boy. }           He likes to play baseball and collect stamps.  He }           enjoys going to the park with his friends.  He is }           also about to get a surprise visitor. } } *BEEP* [schlick-tick] } } Narrator: [Timmy looking moderately horrified at the }           woodchuck that has just popped out of his right }           front pocket] }           Gosh! Timmy has a woodchuck in his pocket!  That }           means Timmy has entered puberty.  Puberty is the }           time when a boy start to change into a man. Many }           changes happen to a boy's body when he is in }           puberty, the foremost of which is the arrival of }           his pocket woodchuck. } } *BEEP* [schlick-tick] } } Narrator: [Timmy shaking hands vigorously with the woodchuck] }           The arrival of your woodchuck is nothing to be }           frightened of.  He will become your special friend }           and will bring you hours of happiness. In fact, you }           will find that you will spend a great deal of time }           petting, fondling, and rubbing your woodchuck in the }           years ahead. } } *BEEP* [schlick-tick] } } Narrator: [Timmy and woodchuck in leather jackets, smoking] }           However, you need to be the one that does the }           thinking.  If you let him, your woodchuck will want }           you to do only the things he wants to do.  He will }           want you to focus on him all day long.  This can }           lead to getting in with a bad crowd or possibly }           even spending all your time alone in your room. }           You have to make sure your woodchuck knows who is }           the boss. } } *BEEP* [schlick-tick] } } Narrator: [Timmy and woodchuck on bed looking at a National }            Geographic] }           Yes, you and your woodchuck will have lots of }           fun together.  It is OK to play with your woodchuck }           in your room with the door closed, but there are }           times you should not let your woodchuck out. } } *BEEP* [schlick-tick] } } Narrator: [Woman in the hand lotions aisle, eyes bulging }            looking at Timmy and woodchuck walking down aisle] } }           Like at the grocery store. } } *BEEP* [schlick-tick] } } Narrator: [Timmy and woodchuck approaching a cluster of }            girls in party dresses, turning away and }            covering their eyes] } }           Or the school dance. } } *BEEP* [schlick-tick] } } Narrator: [Woman fainting and crowd staring and Timmy and }            woodchuck entering dressed in matching black }            suits] } }           Or at a funeral. } } *BEEP* [schlick-tick] } } Narrator: [Timmy and woodchuck from behind in front of a }            microphone.  Audience of parents wide-eyed and }            mouths agape stare back.] } }          Or during the school spelling bee-bee-bee-bee-bee- }          -bee-bee-bee-bee-ssssskkkkkkrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeekkkkkkk } } ["Hold on class, let me fix the..." *POOF* <projector bulb blows> } "Oh damn!  I mean darn!..."] } } You owe the Oracle a waxed dolphin.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, wonderful, bright, beautiful, great, but not > small, please will you help me... I am in a quandary. > > I am currently between jobs, and on my resume' I indicated that I am > one of the Elder Gods.  It was just a little joke, you know, something > to break the ice in the interview.  Well, there's this one company I > interviewed with, where the guy I talked to looked at this, and said, > "an Elder God, splendid!" without even batting an eye.  In fact, I got > the distinct impression this was the sort of thing he *expected* to see > on a resume'. And now this company has asked me for my references. > It's starting to look kind of spooky.  What should I do?  Would it be > best to come clean and admit that I overstated the truth, or should I > try and bluff my way through?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You claimed you were an Elder God? Oh man, that's hysterical. That } reminds of the time Hermes, Thor and I decided to try and sneak into } Club Aphrodite (which Zeus and Ares were trying to keep to themselves, } the bastards) and Thor figured he'd never be allowed in a Greek club if } he looked Norse, so he hid his hammer in his pants and tried to } disguise himself as Dionysios, but it turned out it was naked olive oil } wrestling night and so we all ended up drunk and.... well, that wasn't } really what you asked, was it? } } You could just claim it was a typo, and that you are actually an Alder } God. (You have until the interview to learn a whole lot about trees.) } In a similar vein, you could claim dyslexia and be an Elder Dog, } although the wagging might be problematic. } } But I think you should go ahead and try to bluff your way through. In } preparation for the interview, acquire a cattle prod, a wireless throat } microphone, an air horn, some figs, wine, and a half-naked nymph (a } dryad will do, in a pinch. So to speak. Ahem.) } } Attach the cattle prod to a long stick. You can glue a little glitter } on it if you want to get fancy. This will be your "Staff of Zot". } Arrive at the interview early enough to put on your microphone and } connect it to the building's intercom system.  You should have already } put the airhorn down your pants. } } Arrive in the reception area with the nymph clinging to your arm. When } you are called into the interviewer's office, tell her "Await my } return, and we shall proceed to Olympus forthwith." (This is the Elder } God equivalent of pretending to get a really important call on your } cell phone.) } } As you sit down, trigger the air horn. (Keep in mind that breaking wind } in an interview is a faux pas only for mortals-- for us gods, it's just } another way of announcing our arrival. Zeus can practically clear a } room, and don't *ever* be standing behind Athena when she shows up. } Whew.) } } Answer all the questions more or less normally, but speak into the } microphone, of course. If asked about your Godhood chuckle modestly and } say "Oh, I never discuss religion at work". If pressed, look } inscrutable and say "I've never had a problem in that area". } } By now, you should have a sense of whether the interviewer is going for } it or not. If all is well, congratulations! If not, stand up and shout } "How dare you doubt me, you puny mortal!" and ZOT him a couple of } times. This will give you time to get out the building (don't forget to } collect your nymph) before he can call security. } } The figs and wine? Those are for me, thanks-- I skipped breakfast. } } You owe the Oracle notice of when you are going to try this, I want to } watch.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle most tidy, > > Should I hire a maid?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Here's a quick quiz to help you decide whether you need a maid. Choose } the answers that describe your house the best: } } Kitchen Sink: } A. It is empty, and sterilized with full strength bleach. } B. My coffee cup (rinsed) is in the sink. } C. Last night's dinner dishes are in the sink. } D. Last year's dinner dishes are in the sink. } } Refrigerator: } A. Empty, except for 2 bottles of spring water and a container of }    yogurt } B. Usual assortment of foods, mostly fresh. No empty jars. } C. Some of the veggies are little suspicious looking. } D. Some of the veggies have developed teeth, and my cat is missing. } } Floors: } A. Vacuumed and swept daily. } B. Vacuumed and swept weekly. } C. Vacuumed and swept monthly. } D. Several archeological digs in progress. } } Laundry: } A. Is done daily } B. Is done weekly } C. Is done when the closets and clothes drawers are empty } D. Eventually crawls away on its own, and then I go shopping. } } Furniture is dusted: } A. Every day, using cleansers and polish and imported feather dusters } B. Once a week, with whatever rag I can find. } C. Whenever I can write my name on it, with my shirt sleeve. } D. When plants start to grow on it, with a trowel. } } Scoring:  Give yourself 0 points for every A answer, 1 point for B, 2 } for C, and 3 for D. } Add 150 points if anything scurried across your screen while you were } reading this. } } 0 - 3:    You're Martha Stewart, and you make the rest of us look bad. }              Go away. } 4 - 7:    You don't really need a maid. Hire a masseuse instead. } 8 - 11:   Yeah, you need a maid. } 12 - 15:  You don't need a maid, you need a disaster recovery plan and }              a backhoe. } 15 - :    The National Guard and the EPA have been notified. } } You owe the Oracle a way to remove 5-month-old toxic hummus from a } refrigerator without actually touching the container.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  48 6F 77 20 6D 75 63 68 20 77 6F 6F 64 20 77 6F 75 6C 64 20 61 20 77 >  6F 6F 64 63 68 75 63 6B 20 63 68 75 63 6B 20 69 66 20 61 20 77 6F 6F >  64 63 68 75 63 6B 20 63 6F 75 6C 64 20 63 68 75 63 6B 20 77 6F 6F 64 >  3F

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} How bizarre, how perplexing } more mysterious than chicken sexing } why you thought that simple hexing } would keep this question from being vexing? } } 5A 4F 54 21 } } No doubt now you'll think it merry } to ask again the dreaded query } Which incarnation will the burden carry } Should you send it as binary? } } 1011010 1001111 1010100 100001 } } Your feet upon a desperate road } In danger of being made a toad } Yet still the Oracle you goad } Good gods, what's next-- morse code? } } --..----! } } Until ambition over keen } Pushes you to the last extreme } Hunched over the keyboard, mad and mean } You ask the question in rot13 } } MBG! } } The moral: } No matter if you're feeling puckish } And tempted to push your luckish } And even risk an answer suckish } Don't ask questions that are w**dchuckish.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, I am about to make the supreme sacrifice in honor of > being able to ask you a question. I am placing this razor-sharp > kantana to my belly and pu..pu.pushing it IN! Ach,  I  i... I am > moving it to the left noooo_ow... I want to show you that...that > I am honor..honored to ask of.. you a, a , question... I am moving > the sword...  I ergh phfftt, ack oh oh oh ..... glurble, flok! > oooorpt. . .

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh my! Its has been years since I have read entrails! It } fell out of vogue with the end of the Roman Empire. Let me see: } } - you will soon experience a long uninterrupted period of }   peace and silence. } } - job demands will lessen considerably. } } - your family members will get a large cash gift. } } - you had corn on the cob last night for dinner. } } You owe the Oracle a mop and bucket.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Are prison inmates allowed to use cell phones?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Only if they've been charged with battery. } } You owe the Oracle a salted peanut.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Wise, > > Why does my cat spend so much time studying detailed maps of Stonehenge

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because your cat is an alien life form.  Don't be alarmed!  All felines } are of alien origin.  They arrived on earth after their spaceship } crashed while chasing intergalactic field mice from Stavromula Beta. } } As most cat owners are aware, the ancient Egyptians used to revere cats } as deities, and in fact the cats used Egypt for their first major } attempt at returning to the stars.  This explains the purpose of the } Great Pyramids, although their exact function in returning cats to } space is still known only to cats and the Oracle.  And since you didn't } ask about *that*, I don't have to tell you.  So nyah.  At any rate, } when it became clear that the Pyramid Scheme, as it came to be called, } was not going to work out, the cat leadership decided to look for } another tribe of primitive humans to serve as cheap labor. } } In the British Isles, they found a group of nature-worshipping druids } and in true feline fashion set to work ingratiating themselves.  They } rubbed up against the druid's legs, batted balls of yarn about, and } climbed up on the druids laps and purred loudly and affectionately.  In } no time at all, the druids were completely in thrall to the powerful } aliens.  The cats then instructed the druids to build Stonehenge, again } for the purpose of returning the cats to their home on Stavromula Beta. } } The project was nearing completion, and we might be a cat-less society } today, had it not been for the actions of one unknown druid. She } introduced cats to the wild mint known as "Nepeta Cataria," or more } commonly, "catnip." The cats in charge of the project promptly went on } a bender that lasted four months, and by then the whole idea of } returning to Stavromula Beta, which *definitely* does not have catnip, } seemed rather silly.  The cats split up, spreading across the globe and } insinuating themselves into the private residences of humans } everywhere. } } To answer your question specifically, your cat is poring over the } detailed maps of Stonehenge in an attempt to see if the ancient device } could be completed and used to send all of Earth's dogs somewhere } else--perhaps to the center of the star Betelgeuse.  Hey, it may be } your cuddly fuzzy-wuzzy kittykins on the outside, but hidden inside } that furry exterior is the crafty, calculating mind of an alien.  Think } about *that* next time the cat is staring at you in the shower. } } You owe the oracle a collar with a little bell on it.  Lisa loves those } things.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> [...a plain cursor blinks at you...]

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You have some medium wounds. } } > west } } A large directory blocks your way. } The plain cursor misses you. } } > hit cursor } } You move towards the cursor, but it is displaced by a keypress. } The plain cursor hits you with a hard blink. } You are critically wounded. } } > inv } } You have: } addch() } attrset() } curs_set() } echo() } initscr() } refresh() } } > refresh() } } SYNTAX ERROR } } > refresh(); } } You feel better. } The plain cursor hits you with the speed of a carriage return. } You are slightly wounded. } } > addch('d'); } } You summon a d. } The d displaces the plain cursor. } The plain cursor backspaces over the d. } The d has been killed. } There is now a d corpse on the ground. } } > eat d corpse } } What, are you stupid? } } > flee } } You try to escape north, but the plain cursor move()s in front of you. } The plain cursor blinks at you. } You have, like, 1 hit point left, man! } } > curs_set(0); } } Capability not supported by terminal. } The plain cursor hits you with a bold blink. } You are dead. } Would you like to try again? [Y] _

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Early to bed and early to rise, > Contributes much to an early demise!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, you appear to have stumbled upon something very rare; a portion } of the original draft of "Poor Richard's Almanack." It was rejected } because...well, I might as well quote the publisher's rejection } letter. } } SENT VIA Eight-Week Priority Mail } } MESSRS. Smithfield and Fieldfmith } Publifhers Appointed By His Majefty } The King To Publifh Official } Documents, Notices, Pamphlets, } Works of Great Literature, &c. } Located Near the New North Church } Bofton, Maffachuffets } } October the Third, } The Year of Our Lord 1756 } } MR. Benjamin Franklin } 7 Market Street } Philadelphia, Pennfylvania } } Our Dear Mr. Franklin, } } Thank you for fubmitting your Manufcript "Poor Richard's Almanack" to } us. We regret to inform you that it does not meet our Needs at the } Prefent Time. } } While we do believe that fuch an Almanack, giving Information on the } Atlantic Ocean Tides, Phafes of the Moon and other Heavenly Bodies, } as well as Weather Forecafts for the several Colonies, would be met } with much Intereft and General Acclaim among the Publick at Large, we } do not believe that the Publick would be receptive to many of the } Aphorifms, Sayings, and Wife Counfel of Poor Richard that you have } included in your Almanack. They offer Bad Advice, and make the Blood } and the other Humours nervous. Pleafe allow us to quote the worft } Offenders: } } "Never leave that till to-morrow what you can do to-day, unleff you } juft don't feel like it." } } "Dost Thou hate Life? Then feel free to squander Time, for that is } what Life is made of." } } "The early Bird gets the Worm; the late Bird gets the fat and juicy } Beetle that did not emerge from under a rock until the Sun heated the } ground; both Birds will choke on their Meals and die." } } "For want of a Nail, the Shoe was loft; for want of a Shoe, the Horfe } was loft; for want of a Horfe, the Rider was loft; for want of a } Rider, the Battle was loft; for want of a Battle, the Earth was } deftroyed by a Weapon that will be invented in the Future, whose } Terrible Power and Deftruction we cannot comprehend." } } Once again, we offer our most fincere Thanks for fubmitting your } manufcript to us. However, we have juft announced the Publication of } our own Almanack for the coming year 1757, to be given the Title "Sir } or Madam, Would You Kindly Open This Almanack to Difcover and Be } Aftounded by All Sorts of Information, Please?" Therefore, a } refubmittal of your manufcript, with certain Corrections to make the } Tone more Light and lefs depreffing, fhall not be welcomed. May we } fuggeft that you publifh fuch a Volume by yourfelf? } } We remain Moft Sincerely Yours, } JOS. A. SMITHFIELD and } GEO. J. FIELDSMITH, Publishers

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oh Oracle most wise, > >  Why does an influx of work always come my way at 4.55pm each day?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Bob, you've been the parking lot attendant there in that building } for 23 years now. } } <sigh> } } The other people are going home. } } You owe the Oracle a validated ticket.