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Best of Internet Oracularities #1201-1225

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1201-1225, 1221-08, 1218-01, 1220-09, 1222-08, 1223-05, 1201-06, 1202-05, 1208-08, 1217-10, 1221-10, 1223-03, 1223-09


Best of Internet Oracularities #1201-1225    (3.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 29 Aug 2001 13:50:00 -0500

Oracularities are the distilled wisdom and sagacity of the Internet
Oracle, as incarnated in its many anonymous e-mail participants.  This
collection has been compiled from the regular Oracularities postings #1201
through #1225 and contains the Oracularities rated by its readers
as among the funniest.

To find out more about the Internet Oracle, send mail to
oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line to receive
the Oracle helpfile.

The regular Oracularities postings can be found in the Usenet newsgroup
rec.humor.oracle.  Open discussion about the Internet Oracle occurs in
the newsgroup rec.humor.oracle.d.  If your site doesn't carry these
newsgroups, contact your news administrator about starting them, or
see the Oracle helpfile about subscribing to the Oracularities e-mail
distribution list.


1221-08    (14dko dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Your turn.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Orrie:
}
}    X |   |
}   -----------
}      |   |
}   -----------
}      | O |
}
} Commentary: An unorthodox counter by The Oracle playing, as
}             always, "O".
}
} Supplicant:
}
}    X | X |
}   -----------
}      |   |
}   -----------
}      | O |
}
} Commentary: A rather straight forward, but counter-
}             intuitive counter move by the supplicant.
}
} Orrie: +1
}
}    X | X | Y
}   -----------
}      |   |
}   -----------
}      | O |
}
} Commentary: Orrie scores with a chromosome reference!
}
} Supplicant:
}
}    X | X | Y
}   -----------
}      |   |
}   -----------
}    S | O |
}
} Commentary: Clearly shaken by The Oracle's last move
}             the supplicant lashes out blindly.
}
} Orrie: +1
}
}    X | X | Y
}   -----------
}    E |   |
}   -----------
}    S | O |
}
} Commentary: Oracle scores with a reverse vertical, that
}             cleverly alludes to his first point.
}
} Supplicant: +1
}
}    X | X | Y
}   -----------
}    E |   |
}   -----------
}    S | O | S
}
} Commentary: Hello Freud, the supplicant telegraphs his
}             state of mind.
}
} Orrie: +2
}
}    X | X | Y
}   -----------
}    E | E |
}   -----------
}    S | O | S
}
} Commentary: A double for Orrie! And talk about one track, but
}             the crowd loves it and goes wild. Judges rule XEO
}             too obscure, Oracle shrugs it off.
}
} Supplicant: +1
}
}    X | X | Y
}   -----------
}    E | E | E
}   -----------
}    S | O | S
}
} Commentary: Judges ruled 'Triple E' as inadmissible, despite
}             the supplicant's spirited arguments that it is
}             'a shoe size joke that alludes to the size of
}              one's feet and the relation of same to one's
}              meat'.
}
}             Oracle wins: 4 to 2
}
} You owe the Oracle a signed copy of 'The Glass Bead Game'.


1218-01    (14bih dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I humble myself before you, for I am but a lowly community college
> student on a perilious quest to seek and obtain the pinnacle of
> CC achievement, the sacred parchment known to the initiated as the
> Associate of Arts degree. I have not as yet, officially, declared a
> major, but I intend to make a meager living as a writer, perhaps as a
> junior copywriter at some two-bit ad agency or submitting short story
> after story to literary journals only to be continually rejected and
> wind up working at Illuminations, the art-of-living candle store in
> the mall. Because I will have no medical insurance, I will no longer
> be able to afford my Zoloft, and will spiral into a depression that
> leaves me unable to take care of myself or pay rent. I will wander
> the streets of downtown Portland with my shopping cart filled with
> my works dating back to 4th grade and give public readings to the
> pigeons and statues in the park blocks while the Portland State
> University transfer students point to me and say "Yeah, that crazy
> chick was in my creative writing class at PCC."  And all because I
> could not concieve of an idea that would justify the use of 4 pieces
> of computer paper.  Please, suggest to me a character to build upon,
> a situation, what-have-you, so that I may snap out of this fog.
> In receipt of this, O' Oracle, I will name my character after you.
> Bless you, Generous deity, Guide of lost souls and Creator of all
> fictional characters.
>
> KerouwackedOut in Portland, OR

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I too know the heartache of having writer's block. At least you can
} write what you like! Imagine if you could only answer questions someone
} else asked...
}
} This how-to document should give you near-infinite characters and
} situations for your writing. Hopefully this will lift you out of your
} impending Zoloft-bereft depression. It might help if you lift you out
} of Portland as well.
}
} How to create a new fictional character in three easy steps:
}
} 1. Select a famous person from history (must be deceased).
} 2. Select a famous person currently living. This second person should
} not have ever had the faintest possibility of meeting the first person.
} 3. Combine the two into a single person and see what develops.
}
} For example, I will pick Genghis Khan and Martha Stewart. Now I put my
} new character into a situation and start writing!
}
} Martha Khan stepped lightly through the field of wildflowers, pausing
} occasionally to disembowel one of the attacking Mongols with a melon
} baller. "How badly these invading rabble dress!" she thought to herself
} after deftfully removing the spleen of a particularly hairy swordsman.
} She applied lemon rind to the organ and placed it in a hand-woven urn
} basket decorated with eucalyptus and white baby's breath as a warning
} to others and turned her attentions to cutting a fresh flower bouquet
} with a dagger pulled from the back of an unfortunate bowman. Her
} freshly painted nails glinted in the morning light and matched
} perfectly with her hand-woven sun dress dyed with natural onion-skins
} and printed with potato halves cut into patterns and dipped in human
} blood. "Ah, it's good to be alive," she said to no one in particular,
} reaching down to even the sideburns of the decapitated head lying at
} her feet. Her pace quickened as she passed the stakes of severed heads
} and headed for her yurt to prepare breakfast for the rest of her Mongol
} hoard. "I think we will attack in the salmon turtlenecks today Gonthar"
} she told her second in command as she entered the dwelling. "And
} freshen up the heads in the yard with mint leaves. It will help keep
} the flies down." He bowed, trying to hide the fact that he was missing
} several fingers on his right hand, and backed toward the exit. He was
} exceedingly careful not to wrinkle his newly pressed doeskin tunic, for
} he knew better than most the punishment for being inappropriately
} attired for a formal ambush.
}
} You owe the Oracle a K-mart commercial containing a melon baller and
} someone's spleen.


1220-09    (27ccq dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Is that a woodchuck in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [The teacher draws the curtains and dims the lights after
} pulling down the screen over the blackboard.  She walks
} to the back of the room towards the filmstrip projector
} saying "Now this is very important, no talking or giggling.
} We have time for some questions afterwards."  All the
} girls are in the room next door presumably seeing their
} "special" filmstrip.
}
} The phonograph needle is dropped on a warped record and
} some tinkly theme music starts up unevenly...]
}
} <Titles: Oracle Education Services presents>
}
} *BEEP* [schlick-tick]
}
} <Titles: Number 4 in the "Why is hair growing there?"
}          series>
}
} *BEEP* [schlick-tick]
}
} <Titles: Growing up: The woodchuck in your pocket and you>
}
} *BEEP* [schlick-tick]
}
} Narrator: [Picture of boy walking down a suburban street]
}           This is Timmy.  Timmy is a normal American boy.
}           He likes to play baseball and collect stamps.  He
}           enjoys going to the park with his friends.  He is
}           also about to get a surprise visitor.
}
} *BEEP* [schlick-tick]
}
} Narrator: [Timmy looking moderately horrified at the
}           woodchuck that has just popped out of his right
}           front pocket]
}           Gosh! Timmy has a woodchuck in his pocket!  That
}           means Timmy has entered puberty.  Puberty is the
}           time when a boy start to change into a man. Many
}           changes happen to a boy's body when he is in
}           puberty, the foremost of which is the arrival of
}           his pocket woodchuck.
}
} *BEEP* [schlick-tick]
}
} Narrator: [Timmy shaking hands vigorously with the woodchuck]
}           The arrival of your woodchuck is nothing to be
}           frightened of.  He will become your special friend
}           and will bring you hours of happiness. In fact, you
}           will find that you will spend a great deal of time
}           petting, fondling, and rubbing your woodchuck in the
}           years ahead.
}
} *BEEP* [schlick-tick]
}
} Narrator: [Timmy and woodchuck in leather jackets, smoking]
}           However, you need to be the one that does the
}           thinking.  If you let him, your woodchuck will want
}           you to do only the things he wants to do.  He will
}           want you to focus on him all day long.  This can
}           lead to getting in with a bad crowd or possibly
}           even spending all your time alone in your room.
}           You have to make sure your woodchuck knows who is
}           the boss.
}
} *BEEP* [schlick-tick]
}
} Narrator: [Timmy and woodchuck on bed looking at a National
}            Geographic]
}           Yes, you and your woodchuck will have lots of
}           fun together.  It is OK to play with your woodchuck
}           in your room with the door closed, but there are
}           times you should not let your woodchuck out.
}
} *BEEP* [schlick-tick]
}
} Narrator: [Woman in the hand lotions aisle, eyes bulging
}            looking at Timmy and woodchuck walking down aisle]
}
}           Like at the grocery store.
}
} *BEEP* [schlick-tick]
}
} Narrator: [Timmy and woodchuck approaching a cluster of
}            girls in party dresses, turning away and
}            covering their eyes]
}
}           Or the school dance.
}
} *BEEP* [schlick-tick]
}
} Narrator: [Woman fainting and crowd staring and Timmy and
}            woodchuck entering dressed in matching black
}            suits]
}
}           Or at a funeral.
}
} *BEEP* [schlick-tick]
}
} Narrator: [Timmy and woodchuck from behind in front of a
}            microphone.  Audience of parents wide-eyed and
}            mouths agape stare back.]
}
}          Or during the school spelling bee-bee-bee-bee-bee-
}          -bee-bee-bee-bee-ssssskkkkkkrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeekkkkkkk
}
} ["Hold on class, let me fix the..." *POOF* <projector bulb blows>
} "Oh damn!  I mean darn!..."]
}
} You owe the Oracle a waxed dolphin.


1222-08    (14gtj dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <shantipoet@teenagewildlife.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, wonderful, bright, beautiful, great, but not
> small, please will you help me... I am in a quandary.
>
> I am currently between jobs, and on my resume' I indicated that I am
> one of the Elder Gods.  It was just a little joke, you know, something
> to break the ice in the interview.  Well, there's this one company I
> interviewed with, where the guy I talked to looked at this, and said,
> "an Elder God, splendid!" without even batting an eye.  In fact, I got
> the distinct impression this was the sort of thing he *expected* to see
> on a resume'. And now this company has asked me for my references.
> It's starting to look kind of spooky.  What should I do?  Would it be
> best to come clean and admit that I overstated the truth, or should I
> try and bluff my way through?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You claimed you were an Elder God? Oh man, that's hysterical. That
} reminds of the time Hermes, Thor and I decided to try and sneak into
} Club Aphrodite (which Zeus and Ares were trying to keep to themselves,
} the bastards) and Thor figured he'd never be allowed in a Greek club if
} he looked Norse, so he hid his hammer in his pants and tried to
} disguise himself as Dionysios, but it turned out it was naked olive oil
} wrestling night and so we all ended up drunk and.... well, that wasn't
} really what you asked, was it?
}
} You could just claim it was a typo, and that you are actually an Alder
} God. (You have until the interview to learn a whole lot about trees.)
} In a similar vein, you could claim dyslexia and be an Elder Dog,
} although the wagging might be problematic.
}
} But I think you should go ahead and try to bluff your way through. In
} preparation for the interview, acquire a cattle prod, a wireless throat
} microphone, an air horn, some figs, wine, and a half-naked nymph (a
} dryad will do, in a pinch. So to speak. Ahem.)
}
} Attach the cattle prod to a long stick. You can glue a little glitter
} on it if you want to get fancy. This will be your "Staff of Zot".
} Arrive at the interview early enough to put on your microphone and
} connect it to the building's intercom system.  You should have already
} put the airhorn down your pants.
}
} Arrive in the reception area with the nymph clinging to your arm. When
} you are called into the interviewer's office, tell her "Await my
} return, and we shall proceed to Olympus forthwith." (This is the Elder
} God equivalent of pretending to get a really important call on your
} cell phone.)
}
} As you sit down, trigger the air horn. (Keep in mind that breaking wind
} in an interview is a faux pas only for mortals-- for us gods, it's just
} another way of announcing our arrival. Zeus can practically clear a
} room, and don't *ever* be standing behind Athena when she shows up.
} Whew.)
}
} Answer all the questions more or less normally, but speak into the
} microphone, of course. If asked about your Godhood chuckle modestly and
} say "Oh, I never discuss religion at work". If pressed, look
} inscrutable and say "I've never had a problem in that area".
}
} By now, you should have a sense of whether the interviewer is going for
} it or not. If all is well, congratulations! If not, stand up and shout
} "How dare you doubt me, you puny mortal!" and ZOT him a couple of
} times. This will give you time to get out the building (don't forget to
} collect your nymph) before he can call security.
}
} The figs and wine? Those are for me, thanks-- I skipped breakfast.
}
} You owe the Oracle notice of when you are going to try this, I want to
} watch.


1223-05    (04itl dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <surfbaud@waverider.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle most tidy,
>
> Should I hire a maid?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Here's a quick quiz to help you decide whether you need a maid. Choose
} the answers that describe your house the best:
}
} Kitchen Sink:
} A. It is empty, and sterilized with full strength bleach.
} B. My coffee cup (rinsed) is in the sink.
} C. Last night's dinner dishes are in the sink.
} D. Last year's dinner dishes are in the sink.
}
} Refrigerator:
} A. Empty, except for 2 bottles of spring water and a container of
}    yogurt
} B. Usual assortment of foods, mostly fresh. No empty jars.
} C. Some of the veggies are little suspicious looking.
} D. Some of the veggies have developed teeth, and my cat is missing.
}
} Floors:
} A. Vacuumed and swept daily.
} B. Vacuumed and swept weekly.
} C. Vacuumed and swept monthly.
} D. Several archeological digs in progress.
}
} Laundry:
} A. Is done daily
} B. Is done weekly
} C. Is done when the closets and clothes drawers are empty
} D. Eventually crawls away on its own, and then I go shopping.
}
} Furniture is dusted:
} A. Every day, using cleansers and polish and imported feather dusters
} B. Once a week, with whatever rag I can find.
} C. Whenever I can write my name on it, with my shirt sleeve.
} D. When plants start to grow on it, with a trowel.
}
} Scoring:  Give yourself 0 points for every A answer, 1 point for B, 2
} for C, and 3 for D.
} Add 150 points if anything scurried across your screen while you were
} reading this.
}
} 0 - 3:    You're Martha Stewart, and you make the rest of us look bad.
}              Go away.
} 4 - 7:    You don't really need a maid. Hire a masseuse instead.
} 8 - 11:   Yeah, you need a maid.
} 12 - 15:  You don't need a maid, you need a disaster recovery plan and
}              a backhoe.
} 15 - :    The National Guard and the EPA have been notified.
}
} You owe the Oracle a way to remove 5-month-old toxic hummus from a
} refrigerator without actually touching the container.


1201-06    (29col dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  48 6F 77 20 6D 75 63 68 20 77 6F 6F 64 20 77 6F 75 6C 64 20 61 20 77
>  6F 6F 64 63 68 75 63 6B 20 63 68 75 63 6B 20 69 66 20 61 20 77 6F 6F
>  64 63 68 75 63 6B 20 63 6F 75 6C 64 20 63 68 75 63 6B 20 77 6F 6F 64
>  3F

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} How bizarre, how perplexing
} more mysterious than chicken sexing
} why you thought that simple hexing
} would keep this question from being vexing?
}
} 5A 4F 54 21
}
} No doubt now you'll think it merry
} to ask again the dreaded query
} Which incarnation will the burden carry
} Should you send it as binary?
}
} 1011010 1001111 1010100 100001
}
} Your feet upon a desperate road
} In danger of being made a toad
} Yet still the Oracle you goad
} Good gods, what's next-- morse code?
}
} --..----!
}
} Until ambition over keen
} Pushes you to the last extreme
} Hunched over the keyboard, mad and mean
} You ask the question in rot13
}
} MBG!
}
} The moral:
} No matter if you're feeling puckish
} And tempted to push your luckish
} And even risk an answer suckish
} Don't ask questions that are w**dchuckish.


1202-05    (36ikm dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, I am about to make the supreme sacrifice in honor of
> being able to ask you a question. I am placing this razor-sharp
> kantana to my belly and pu..pu.pushing it IN! Ach,  I  i... I am
> moving it to the left noooo_ow... I want to show you that...that
> I am honor..honored to ask of.. you a, a , question... I am moving
> the sword...  I ergh phfftt, ack oh oh oh ..... glurble, flok!
> oooorpt. . .

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh my! Its has been years since I have read entrails! It
} fell out of vogue with the end of the Roman Empire. Let me see:
}
} - you will soon experience a long uninterrupted period of
}   peace and silence.
}
} - job demands will lessen considerably.
}
} - your family members will get a large cash gift.
}
} - you had corn on the cob last night for dinner.
}
} You owe the Oracle a mop and bucket.


1208-08    (35epi dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Kirsten R. Chevalier" <krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Are prison inmates allowed to use cell phones?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Only if they've been charged with battery.
}
} You owe the Oracle a salted peanut.


1217-10    (05eed dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Wise,
>
> Why does my cat spend so much time studying detailed maps of Stonehenge

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because your cat is an alien life form.  Don't be alarmed!  All felines
} are of alien origin.  They arrived on earth after their spaceship
} crashed while chasing intergalactic field mice from Stavromula Beta.
}
} As most cat owners are aware, the ancient Egyptians used to revere cats
} as deities, and in fact the cats used Egypt for their first major
} attempt at returning to the stars.  This explains the purpose of the
} Great Pyramids, although their exact function in returning cats to
} space is still known only to cats and the Oracle.  And since you didn't
} ask about *that*, I don't have to tell you.  So nyah.  At any rate,
} when it became clear that the Pyramid Scheme, as it came to be called,
} was not going to work out, the cat leadership decided to look for
} another tribe of primitive humans to serve as cheap labor.
}
} In the British Isles, they found a group of nature-worshipping druids
} and in true feline fashion set to work ingratiating themselves.  They
} rubbed up against the druid's legs, batted balls of yarn about, and
} climbed up on the druids laps and purred loudly and affectionately.  In
} no time at all, the druids were completely in thrall to the powerful
} aliens.  The cats then instructed the druids to build Stonehenge, again
} for the purpose of returning the cats to their home on Stavromula Beta.
}
} The project was nearing completion, and we might be a cat-less society
} today, had it not been for the actions of one unknown druid. She
} introduced cats to the wild mint known as "Nepeta Cataria," or more
} commonly, "catnip." The cats in charge of the project promptly went on
} a bender that lasted four months, and by then the whole idea of
} returning to Stavromula Beta, which *definitely* does not have catnip,
} seemed rather silly.  The cats split up, spreading across the globe and
} insinuating themselves into the private residences of humans
} everywhere.
}
} To answer your question specifically, your cat is poring over the
} detailed maps of Stonehenge in an attempt to see if the ancient device
} could be completed and used to send all of Earth's dogs somewhere
} else--perhaps to the center of the star Betelgeuse.  Hey, it may be
} your cuddly fuzzy-wuzzy kittykins on the outside, but hidden inside
} that furry exterior is the crafty, calculating mind of an alien.  Think
} about *that* next time the cat is staring at you in the shower.
}
} You owe the oracle a collar with a little bell on it.  Lisa loves those
} things.


1221-10    (38ajm dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Sid Dabster

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> [...a plain cursor blinks at you...]

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You have some medium wounds.
}
} > west
}
} A large directory blocks your way.
} The plain cursor misses you.
}
} > hit cursor
}
} You move towards the cursor, but it is displaced by a keypress.
} The plain cursor hits you with a hard blink.
} You are critically wounded.
}
} > inv
}
} You have:
} addch()
} attrset()
} curs_set()
} echo()
} initscr()
} refresh()
}
} > refresh()
}
} SYNTAX ERROR
}
} > refresh();
}
} You feel better.
} The plain cursor hits you with the speed of a carriage return.
} You are slightly wounded.
}
} > addch('d');
}
} You summon a d.
} The d displaces the plain cursor.
} The plain cursor backspaces over the d.
} The d has been killed.
} There is now a d corpse on the ground.
}
} > eat d corpse
}
} What, are you stupid?
}
} > flee
}
} You try to escape north, but the plain cursor move()s in front of you.
} The plain cursor blinks at you.
} You have, like, 1 hit point left, man!
}
} > curs_set(0);
}
} Capability not supported by terminal.
} The plain cursor hits you with a bold blink.
} You are dead.
} Would you like to try again? [Y] _


1223-03    (24lri dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Early to bed and early to rise,
> Contributes much to an early demise!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, you appear to have stumbled upon something very rare; a portion
} of the original draft of "Poor Richard's Almanack." It was rejected
} because...well, I might as well quote the publisher's rejection
} letter.
}
} SENT VIA Eight-Week Priority Mail
}
} MESSRS. Smithfield and Fieldfmith
} Publifhers Appointed By His Majefty
} The King To Publifh Official
} Documents, Notices, Pamphlets,
} Works of Great Literature, &c.
} Located Near the New North Church
} Bofton, Maffachuffets
}
} October the Third,
} The Year of Our Lord 1756
}
} MR. Benjamin Franklin
} 7 Market Street
} Philadelphia, Pennfylvania
}
} Our Dear Mr. Franklin,
}
} Thank you for fubmitting your Manufcript "Poor Richard's Almanack" to
} us. We regret to inform you that it does not meet our Needs at the
} Prefent Time.
}
} While we do believe that fuch an Almanack, giving Information on the
} Atlantic Ocean Tides, Phafes of the Moon and other Heavenly Bodies,
} as well as Weather Forecafts for the several Colonies, would be met
} with much Intereft and General Acclaim among the Publick at Large, we
} do not believe that the Publick would be receptive to many of the
} Aphorifms, Sayings, and Wife Counfel of Poor Richard that you have
} included in your Almanack. They offer Bad Advice, and make the Blood
} and the other Humours nervous. Pleafe allow us to quote the worft
} Offenders:
}
} "Never leave that till to-morrow what you can do to-day, unleff you
} juft don't feel like it."
}
} "Dost Thou hate Life? Then feel free to squander Time, for that is
} what Life is made of."
}
} "The early Bird gets the Worm; the late Bird gets the fat and juicy
} Beetle that did not emerge from under a rock until the Sun heated the
} ground; both Birds will choke on their Meals and die."
}
} "For want of a Nail, the Shoe was loft; for want of a Shoe, the Horfe
} was loft; for want of a Horfe, the Rider was loft; for want of a
} Rider, the Battle was loft; for want of a Battle, the Earth was
} deftroyed by a Weapon that will be invented in the Future, whose
} Terrible Power and Deftruction we cannot comprehend."
}
} Once again, we offer our most fincere Thanks for fubmitting your
} manufcript to us. However, we have juft announced the Publication of
} our own Almanack for the coming year 1757, to be given the Title "Sir
} or Madam, Would You Kindly Open This Almanack to Difcover and Be
} Aftounded by All Sorts of Information, Please?" Therefore, a
} refubmittal of your manufcript, with certain Corrections to make the
} Tone more Light and lefs depreffing, fhall not be welcomed. May we
} fuggeft that you publifh fuch a Volume by yourfelf?
}
} We remain Moft Sincerely Yours,
} JOS. A. SMITHFIELD and
} GEO. J. FIELDSMITH, Publishers


1223-09    (22msi dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oh Oracle most wise,
>
>  Why does an influx of work always come my way at 4.55pm each day?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Bob, you've been the parking lot attendant there in that building
} for 23 years now.
}
} <sigh>
}
} The other people are going home.
}
} You owe the Oracle a validated ticket.


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