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Best of Internet Oracularities #1226-1250

Goto:
1226-1250, 1230-10, 1240-03, 1228-02, 1245-07, 1230-01, 1235-01, 1236-05, 1245-09, 1226-05, 1230-05, 1238-10, 1239-08, 1245-08


Best of Internet Oracularities #1226-1250    (3.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 22 Mar 2002 11:09:00 -0500

Oracularities are the distilled wisdom and sagacity of the Internet
Oracle, as incarnated in its many anonymous e-mail participants.
This collection has been compiled from the regular Oracularities postings
#1226 through #1250 and contains the Oracularities rated by its readers
as among the funniest.

To find out more about the Internet Oracle, send mail to
oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line to receive
the Oracle helpfile.

The regular Oracularities postings can be found in the Usenet newsgroup
rec.humor.oracle.  Open discussion about the Internet Oracle occurs in
the newsgroup rec.humor.oracle.d.  If your site doesn't carry these
newsgroups, contact your news administrator about starting them, or
see the Oracle helpfile about subscribing to the Oracularities e-mail
distribution list.


1230-10    (02dry dist, 4.2 mean)
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My desire to learn leads me time and time again to your door Wise
> Oracle, you are the post graduate school of the Internet,
>
> Why do we even try and educate everyone? Ditch diggers and drive-
> thru workers don't really need to know how to read or write anyway.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    ___________________                _______________________
}    |     WARNING!    |                |  ALL EMPLOYEES MUST |
}    | BURIED GAS LINE |                |  WASH HANDS BEFORE  |
}    |   DO NOT DIG!   |                |  RETURNING TO WORK  |
}    -------------------                -----------------------


1240-03    (109hp dist, 4.2 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> what is sex?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sex is what happens when a man and a woman...hmm, no, that's not
} quite it. Sex is what happens when two (or more) people get together
} and...do stuff. You know, nookie? No? Lovemaking? No? Ok, you must
} know about the birds and the bees? No? *sigh* I thought not.
}
} Ok, the bird comes along and sticks its beak into the..hmm, no
} that's not quite it. The bee comes along and sticks its...well,
} you see, it's like inserting tab A into slot B. Only you do it a lot
} of times and the result can be more boxes if you're not careful, or
} worse yet, tab A gets something from slot B and falls off. Or slot B
} gets something from tab A and then you have to smear goopy cream all
} over slot B, during which time inserting tab A into slot B is just
} not going to happen, what kind of slot do you think B is anyways?
} Meanwhile, tab A is busily being inserted into slot C or D, without
} even so much as a phone call the day after. And tab M just looks on
} just wishing it could be tab A, because nice tabs never get any slots.
} And then there's tab F who actually likes tab R, but isn't sure if tab
} R folds that way. Slot C eventually finds out about slot D and they
} all find out about slot B, who in turn finds out about slot C and D
} and in a vengeful plot, tears tab A from its box in a fit of passion.
} Slot C ends up meeting tab M, and it turns out tab M fits perfectly
} into slot C--no jostling or forceful cramming at all. Tab and slot
} C are joined forever by tab K, who has sworn not to insert itself
} into anything and a few months later, there are new tabs and slots
} and everyone, except for A, is happy.
}
} And that, my son, is how corrugated cardboard boxes are made.


1228-02    (458jy dist, 4.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> So, when's digest 1227 coming out?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} About two weeks before #1228.
}
} After that the digest start coming out even more irregularly until
} #1300. Then things get, well, they get different. I can't really tell
} you what happens after that, but just so you'll be ready here's what
} #1300 will look like.
}
} ========================================================
} Date: Fri, 13 Dec 02 17:19:31 -0500
} From: Kirsten Chevalier <Kchevalier@cs.indiana.edu>
} Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #1300
}
} To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
} participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word
} "ignore" in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark
} of the recently retired Stephen B Kinzler. Have fun there in
} Nueva Peru dude!)
}
} Let us know what you like!  Send ratings of these 9 Oracularities
} on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
} volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply
} to any old message).  For example:
}     1257
}     5 5 5 5   5   5 5 5 5
}
} 1295  1 votes  00001 00001 01000 10000 00100 00100 01000 00100 00010
} 1295   >3 ave   5.0   5.0   2.0   1.0   3.0   3.0   2.0   3.0   4.0
}
} ------------------------------
} Date: Fri, 13 Dec 02 17:19:32 -0500
} From: Internet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
} Subject: Internet Oracularity #1300-01
}
} Selected-By: "Paula L. Kelly" <bright.red.lipstick@mindsprung.com>
}
} The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
} Your question was:
}
} > Oracle most wise,
} >
} > Am I OK?
}
} And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
} } No, you're CA.
}
} ------------------------------
} Date: Fri, 13 Dec 02 17:19:34 -0500
} From: Internet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
} Subject: Internet Oracularity #1300-02
}
} Selected-By: Christophe <xof@aolcbscnnmsn.com>
}
} The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
} Your question was:
}
} > Why do traffic lights turn red when I get there?
}
} And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
} } You'd turn red too if you had to change in the street.
}
} ------------------------------
} Date: Fri, 13 Jan 02 17:19:34 -0500
} From: Internet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
} Subject: Internet Oracularity #1300-03
}
} Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <inmate7734@singsing.gov>
}
} The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
} Your question was:
}
} > Oracle most wise;
} >
} > Is it the blue wire or the red wire? I don't want to
} > die in a ball of flames.
}
} And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
} } From: The Internet Oracle(tm)
} } Subject: Time Bombs with Huge Flashing Red LEDs
} }
} } Dear Interchangeable Square Jawed Hero of Every Other Action Film
} } Made in the Last Twenty Years,
} }
} } Not to worry. You will cut the correct wire. You main concern is
} } to look both deadly serious and manfully worried for a number of
} } slowly plodding minutes despite the fact everyone knows that you'll
} } cut the right wire at the last second. Sweating is good. As are
} } steely eyed stares at the LED. The Oracle reminds you not to
} } forget the obligatory flashbacks to happier times and some loud
} } bass driven music as you wait for the inevitable moment.
} }
} } Yours,
} }
} } TIO
}
} ------------------------------
} Date: Fri, 13 Dec 02 17:19:34 -0500
} From: Internet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
} Subject: Internet Oracularity #1300-04
}
} Selected-By: Lifeform <Qsweru@Weiytsd.qx>
}
} The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
} Your question was:
}
} > Did you like Penn and Teller? Isn't that awful what
} > happened to them on Halloween? All that blood!
}
} And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
} }  Is  -this-  your card?
} }  +-------------------+
} }  | 3      ( )        |
} }  | C    (_) (_)      |
} }  |        _|_        |
} }  |         _         |
} }  |        ( )        |
} }  |      (_) (_)      |
} }  |        _|_        |
} }  |        _ _        |
} }  |       _ | _       |
} }  |      (_) (_)    C |
} }  |        (_)      3 |
} }  +-------------------+
}
} ------------------------------
} Date: Fri, 13 Dec 02 17:19:35 -0500
} From: Internet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
} Subject: Internet Oracularity #1300-05
}
} Selected-By: "The Holy R. Poulson" <theholyjrp@holytowers.tv>
}
} The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
} Your question was:
}
} > H.w m.ch w..d . . .
}
} And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
} } It was a foggy night, a drizzly night, a night that makes you want
} } to curl up by a fire with a cup of tea, not that the weather was
} } a factor mind you in my decision to stay inside and incarnate, I
} } could have gone to a show, or read a book, yet still...
} }
} } I sat down to answer a few questions, to kill some time. And there
} } it was "How much wood would a wood...", I deleted it and went
} } on to the next question. And that should have been it, yet I could
} } not deny that I had a feeling of dread, a feeling that I could not
} } shake. Outside the drizzle had turned to a steady rain. The room
} } seemed to be growing cold, a most unnatural cold.
} }
} } I answer two more questions, not 'Best of The Oracle' material, but
} } good solid answers of which I need not be ashamed and then, there
} } it was again, "How much wood would..." I deleted it.
} }
} } CRACK! Thunder, it scared me and I nearly jumped out of my skin.
} } Thunder had never startled me so as that one peal did, yet I did
} } not stop incarnating, not right then at least.
} }
} } I got up and stretched. Made a cup of tea. Then back to work, even
} } though I knew, just knew. And sure enough there it was. "How much
} } wood..." And before I could give the question the zotting it so
} } richly  deserved the power failed. The only light now was from the
} } fairly steady lightening outside...
} }
} } WHUMP!
} } WHUMP!
} } WHUMP!
} }
} } Blazes, what is that? Sounded like a tree limb, a bit of wood
} } banging, thumping against the house. WhuMP! wHumP! But from
} } where? There was no limb on any branch on any tree of this world
} } so near my home...
} }
} } I got up. I donned a slicker and when outside.
} }
} } What a queer night it was, so cold, so very, very cold.
} }
} } WHUMP!
} }
} } Blast it, what could that sound be?
} }
} } I jumped as an especially bright flash of lightening lit up the
} } yard. KARRRACK! came the near immediate thunder.... and then I
} } saw it, some kind of little furry thing! A furry thing throwing
} } wood at my house.
} }
} } "STOP!" I yelled.
} }
} } The thing bolted and ran.
} }
} } I chased it.
} }
} } It ran up a tree. And I after it.
} }
} } The rain was growing harder, the branches were slick, the wind
} } biting and hard. Above me I could hear a weird sound, a chit-
} } chit-chit, a mocking sound it was.
} }
} } I climbed on, higher and higher.
} }
} } And then I saw it clearly on the top of the highest limb, a little
} } rodent man and he was laughing. Laughing at me!
} }
} } Then I fell, not a quick fall, but a sliding bang-bang-bang on
} } every single branch tumble on the way down fall. And as I hit
} } the ground I witnessed it. In one huge flash and simultaneous
} } crack of gigantic proportions a bolt of lightening hit the
} } top of the tree where that beast had been and the whole tree
} } exploded in flames and splinters and boiling sap and pain.
} }
} } I tired to jump and run away, but my left leg was, it seemed,
} } twisted oddly. And it hurt. So I dragged myself away from the
} } tree as best I could.
} }
} } Behind me the tree smoldered. The driving rain having already
} } doused the hellish fire it had become. The stench of burnt wood
} } was only slightly less than a stench of a manner I can not quite
} } describe, a kind of rotten eggs and singed hair stench.
} }
} } I had to get inside, but I could crawl no more. I looked to my
} } home. No lights were on, how could they not have heard that
} } otherworldly blast?
} }
} } Yet no light was on.
} }
} } I had to get their attention.
} }
} } Around me lay bits of warm chunks of wood, wood from the smitten
} } tree.
} }
} } I picked up a piece and threw it at my home. It hit the house
} } with a resounding WHUMP! I picked up another and chucked it
} } too at my home. WHUMP! And another. WHUMp! and another!
} }
} } WHUMP!
} } WHUMP!
} } WHUMP!
} }
} } I chucked wood at my house until I could chuck no more and then
} } I rolled over on my back in the rain and let the cold downpour
} } wash my soul into the soil, cold and alone.
}
} ------------------------------
} Date: Fri, 13 Dec 02 17:19:36 -0500
} From: Internet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
} Subject: Internet Oracularity #1300-06
}
} Selected-By: The Nolan's <mikeandsueandotto@home.net>
}
} The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
} Your question was:
}
} > Wises Oracle,
} >
} > What signs get asked what?
}
} And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
} } ====================================================================
} }              Questions Astrological Signs Ask
} }
} }   .-.   .-.
} }  (_  \ /  _)     Aries- "Why do I look like cleavage?"
} }
} }    .     .
} }    '.___.'       Taurus- "This makes me look fat! Why couldn't
} }    .'   `.                I get that cute cleavage symbol like
} }   :       :               Aries?"
} }   :       :
} }    `.___.'
} }
} }    ._____.
} }      | |         Gemini- "Will id -ever- cough up royalties for
} }      | |                  using me in the name of " Quake ][ "?
} }     _|_|_
} }
} }      .--.
} }     /   _`.      Cancer- "How can I quite looking like dancing
} }    (_) ( )                sperm?"
} }
} }      .--.
} }     (    )       Leo- "Do I look -anything- like a lion to you?"
} }    (_)  /
} }        (_,
} }
} }   _
} }  ' `:--.--.
} }     |  |  |_     Virgo- "People keep confusing be with Scorpio the
} }     |  |  | )            horny sign, <giggle>, is that a scream or
} }     |  |  |/             what?"
} }          (J
} }
} }       __
} }  ___.'  '.___    Libra- "Scales! Scales! Why can't I look like scales
} }  ____________            instead of a speed bump?"
} }
} }
} }   _
} }  ' `:--.--.
} }     |  |  |      Scorpius- "You got a sister?"
} }
} }          ...
} }          .':     Sagittarius- "Sagittarians are too serious to even
} }        .'                      believe in astrology, why do we have
} }    `..'                        a sign?"
} }    .'`.
} }
} }            _
} }    \      /_)    Capricorn- "I feel like a Visual Basic icon! I hate
} }     \    /`.                 VB, I'm into perl! What can I do to look
} }      \  /   ;                more like a Swiss Army Chainsaw?"
} }       \/ __.'
} }
} }
} } .-"-._.-"-._.-   Aquarius- "How can I convince my whining cohorts to
} } .-"-._.-"-._.-              accept themselves as they are?"
} }
} }
} }   `-.    .-'     Pisces- "I look like a bug! I want to look like
} }      :  :                 a marlin, what can I do?"
} }
} }
} } The Oracle thanks http://www.ascii-art.de/ascii/index_xyz.html
} } for the art "@@ Signs of the Zodiac @@  11/96  (c)jgs". A great
} } site full of acsii art. All they ask is to include the name of
} } the artist if you use some art, such as 'jgs' was noted here.
} }
} } THe Oracle may be all knowing, but an artist he is not.
} }
} } You owe the Oracle a "Slow Children Ahead" sign.
}
} ------------------------------
} Date: Fri, 13 Dec 02 17:19:37 -0500
} From: Internet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
} Subject: Internet Oracularity #1300-07
}
} Re-selected-By: Davy O'Hemming <irelad@darkpub.ie>
}
} The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
} Your question was:
}
} > How will The Lord of the Rings Part I film end?
}
} And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
} } Okay. You asked for it!
} } .
} } .
} } Spoiler to follow!
} }   \ /
} } -----------------------
} }  TURN BACK NOW IF YOU
} } DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE
} }  ENDING OF THE FILM!!
} }
} }   SPOILER STARTS NOW!
} }
} } *************************
} } At the very end of the
} } film they show the names
} } of all the people who
} } helped make the movie!!!
} } *************************
} }
} } You owe the Oracle a very expensive bag of popcorn.
}
} ------------------------------
} Date: Fri, 13 Dec 02 17:19:38 -0500
} From: Internet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
} Subject: Internet Oracularity #1300-08
}
} Selected-By: "Direct Marketing Atkinson" <calm@hugspam.org>
}
} The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
} Your question was:
}
} > Oracle, wise guy that you are,
} >
} > What am I not thinking about?
}
} And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
} } Why you've never notice that your kid looks like the milkman.
}
} ====| EOF #1300 |====


1245-07    (11cof dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <shantipoet@teenagewildlife.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is there some kind of "question mark" shortage going on

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They've been replaced by question Euros at the beginning of the year.


1230-01    (13gCi dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <drey@speakeasy.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, could you please tell me the top ten reasons why men always
> leave the toilet seat up?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, you're making the classic mistake of assuming that Men are as
} complicated as Women. There simply aren't ten reasons for ANYTHING a
} Man does.
}
} But, I tell you what - here's the
}
} TOP SIX REASONS MEN LEAVE THE TOILET SEAT UP:
}
}  6. Efficiency. Men need it up four times more often than they need it
}     down. The sheer logic of it is just too tempting.
}
}  5. Excitement. Have you any idea what would happen if that seat came
}     crashing down in mid-use? The terror! The adrenaline! What a rush!
}
}  4. Laziness. Yaaaaawn. It took sooo much energy to lift it up, I
}     may need a nap when I've fini- ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ...
}
}  3. Sloppy boundary condition checking. Men can only think about one
}     thing at a time. When the flow stops, that's the "peeing" task
}     finished, and no further actions are taken in support of it. Just
}     be grateful he remembers to tuck it back in.
}
}  2. Distraction. In order to make up for the inability to multi-task,
}     Man was given limited resources to delegate simple physical tasks
}     to the primitive brain. Thus, the body goes through the motions
}     while the mind thinks about sportscars and its golf handicap.
}     Primitive brain no think seat! Ugh! Think cute blonde in HR.
}     Primitive brain pee on shoe if not careful.
}
} And the Number one reason why Men leave the toilet seat up is:
}
}  1. Spite. You may have considered your little speech on "The Clothes
}     Hamper - A Hamper for Clothes" to be rather witty, and a gentle,
}     inoffensive nudge towards tidiness. Guess who didn't?
}
} You owe the Oracle a lady who remembers to put the seat up after she's
} used it.


1235-01    (19ajn dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> "Within 10 years, Computers won't even keep us as pets".
>  -- Marvin Minsky, 1967

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Titanium G4 Powerbook, NT Server, Linux Box and PC-XT were having a
} byte at the local computer cafe...
}
} On the wall is a poster of Marvin Minsky, with his 1967 quote:
} "Within 10 years, Computers won't even keep us as pets".
}
} G4: Gnarly. What's it like having a human pet?
}
} NT: Man, it sucks, they are always getting crumbs in my keyboard.
}
} Linux: Bogus.
}
} PC-XT: hummm.... beep beep.
}
} NT: Yeah and they have these little ones that are always smacking my
} mouse around and smearing peanut butter on my face.
}
} Linux: Gross.
}
} NT: But it could be worse. You know when I was just Win 3.x, they
} were total dorks, at least now they have some computer savvy, but
} it's still irksome.
}
} Linux: Freaky. My pet's ok I guess. I mean he pretty much just sets
} me up as his web server and leaves me alone to buzz away on traffic.
} Though lately those web worms are really pissing me off.
}
} NT: Tell me about it.
}
} G4: Yeah I feel bad for you guys. I mean I get a lot of crap in my
} web logs, but pretty much those viruses are meant for you.
}
} PC-XT: RAM Check - / | \ - / ....
}
} Linux: Sorry to bitch though-- it IS more of a Microsoft security
} breech though--so rampant, man.
}
} NT: Dude, don't get me started...
}
} G4: Oh fuck, here we go again...
}
} PC-XT: Keyboard detected!
}
} Linux: I mean what good's a firewall if your own OS has so many damn
} holes in it, any script kiddy can crash you.
}
} NT: Attach this pal...
}
} G4: (smirk) This EXE's for you, ;-)
}
} NT/Linux: Stay out of this Titanium!
}
} PC-XT: C:\>
}
} Linux: Yeah, don't you have some AOL chatroom to go to? <smirk>
}
} G4: Get a clue, my pet's no AOL user, she's an IT manager.
}
} NT: Yeah and mine's Bill Gates.
}
} Linux/G4: You wish!
}
} NT/G4/Linux: LOL
}
} PC-XT: C:\>
}
} G4: Let's roll. I heard there's some new Anna Kournikova web cam.
}
} NT: Freaky.
}
} Linux: Nah I'm outta here, I want to download some new PHP admin
} applets.
}
} G4: Whatever.
}
} NT: "This workstation is locked. Press Control-Alt-Delete to log in."
}
} G4: <chime>
}
} Linux: exit
}
} PC-XT: Bad command or filename.


1236-05    (02ngk dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, you are older and wiser than Geb, you who were there when
> the first turtle wore out and was replaced by the one currently
> holding up the Earth, you have acquired much knowledge and your
> are Wise.
>
> How does coffee differ from heroin?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, with coffee, you have to heat the water... no, that's not
} different...
}
} Okay, with coffee, it's picked and processed by underpaid workers in
} Third World... no, that's not different either...
}
} Then, with coffee, it's traded on a world market jealously guarded by
} shady cartels... drat, that's no better...
}
} Many high-performing professional people in the industrialised world
} cannot function effectively until they've had their first daily...
} BLAST.
}
} Hang on, I've got it.
}
} Coffee can bring you a stink to your breath, but heroin can string you
} to the brink of death.
}
} Hey, you try answering these before your first hit of the day!
}
} You owe the Oracle a bottomless cup. With cream. And that special
} "powdered sugar" thanks.


1245-09    (22cij dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <surfbaud@waverider.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You are online.
>
> LOOK
>
> You are using a PPP connection with DHCP.
>
> SHOW INVENTORY
>
> You have an FTP client, an EMAIL client, and a WEB browser.
>
> GET PORN
>
> Sorry, I can't do that.
>
> USE FTP
>
> You are now wielding an FTP client.
>
> GET PORN
>
> Sorry, I can't do that.
>
> USE WEB
>
> You are now wielding a WEB browser.
>
> GET PORN
>
> Sorry, I can't do that.
>
> USE EMAIL
>
> You are now wielding an EMAIL client.
>
> GET PORN
>
> Sorry, I can't do that.
>
> GET EMAIL
>
> Checking...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} >Still Checking...
} >
} >One message found
} >
} >READ MESSAGE
} >
} >"Get your Porn Here!"
} >A URL falls out of the message.
} >
} >GET URL
} >
} >Ok.
} >
} >LOOK URL
} >
} >It's a porn URL.
} >
} >USE WEB
} >
} >You are now wielding a WEB Browser.
} >
} >LOAD URL
} >
} >Loading...
} >Loading...
} >Loading...
} >
} >A Browser window appears in your inventory.
} >A Browser window appears in your inventory.
} >A Browser window appears in your inventory.
} >A Browser window appears in your inventory.
} >A Browser window appears in your inventory.
} >A Browser window appears in your inventory.
} >A Browser window appears in your inventory.
} >A Browser window appears in your inventory.
} >A Browser window appears in your inventory.
} >A Browser window appears in your inventory.
} >A Browser window appears in your inventory.
} >A Browser window appears in your inventory.
} >A Browser window appears in your inventory.
} >A Browser window appears in your inventory.
} >A Browser window appears in your inventory.
} >A Browser window appears in your inventory.
} >A Browser window appears in your inventory.
} >
} >SHOW INVENTORY
} >
} >You have an FTP Client, an EMAIL client, a WEB Browser, and 42,623
} >Browser WINDOWS
} >
} >DROP WINDOW
} >
} >You drop the window.
} >
} >A Browser window appears in your inventory.
} >A Browser window appears in your inventory.
} >A Browser window appears in your inventory.
} >
} >GET PORN
} >
} >Your inventory is full. You'll have to drop something.
} >
} >DROP FTP
} >
} >It hits the ground and shatters.
} >
} >A Browser window appears in your inventory.
} >A Browser window appears in your inventory.
} >
} >GET PORN
} >
} >Your inventory is full. You'll have to drop something.
} >
} >DROP EMAIL
} >
} >It hits the ground and shatters.
} >
} >A Browser window appears in your inventory.
} >
} >DROP WEB
} >
} >You can't do that while you have windows.
} >
} >LOOK WINDOW
} >
} >The window is a porn advertisement.
} >
} >CLOSE WINDOW
} >
} >A Window falls on you.
} >A Window falls on you.
} >A Window falls on you.
} >A Window falls on you.
} >A Window falls on you.
} >A Window falls on you.
} >A Window falls on you.
}
} *Several hours and one zotted Zadoc later*
}
} Funny, supplicant. You *know* he locks up my computer every time you
} send him those free porn links. Knock it off. *thwaps Staff of Zot
} meanacinly into the palm of his free hand.*
}
} You owe the Oracle a new computer. You can keep your free porn.


1226-05    (27mmq dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> As I was going to Sai-ai-aint Ives,
> I met a man with seven wives.
> Every wife had seven sacks,
> Every sack had seven cats,
> Every cat had seven kits.
> Kits, Cats, Sacks & Wives,
> How many were going to Sai-ai-aint Ives?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} SAINT IVES (UPC) -- 12 July 2001 Police arrested Nigel Teresa, of
} Saint Ives, yesterday afternoon for polygamy and animal abuse.
}
} Mabel Teresa, one of Nigel's seven wives, said, "He would force all
} of us to bag some four hundred cats each into just seven sacks.
} That's nearly three-quarters of a ton of hissing, spitting, and
} FIGHTING cat that each of us had to carry!  And, trust me, cats can
} claw their way out of burlap if they darn well want."
}
} Police are trying to find homes for the approximately three hundred
} and fifty cats, and approximately twenty-four hundred kittens that
} were found in Nigel's care.
}
} One bystander, who would only give his name as "A. Supplicant", said,
} "Thank heavens, I saw him.  I was the only person on the road going
} to Saint Ives.  He, his wives, and the cats were going the other way."


1230-05    (23kvk dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most singular Oracle,
>
> the page of my local telephone directory headed 'Useful Numbers' is
> blank. What should have been printed there?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, and 0
}
} Without those, it becomes a real hassle to dial.


1238-10    (57ago dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> . . . and as you can see gentlemen, and of course ladies, that the
> design for the type VI distribution machine is still perfectly
> functional, however improvements need to be made. This design
> initiative is particularly timely since the patents on the type VI are
> nearly expired . . . eXpirED!! . . . Expired . . . that parrot isn't
> sleeping; It's dead. It is an expired parrot . . . expIRed . . . ex . .
> . EX . . .
> Exterminate!!!, Exterminate, We must Exterminate all the Humans . . .
> Bwian! Welease, Bwian !!! . . . and Mark Wing-Davy as Zaphod Beeblebrox
> . . I have a pain down all the diodes on my left side . . . It was the
> Salmon Mousse!
>
> Oracle, if there is anyone in the galaxy who can understand what
> happened to my boss at today's meeting it will be you, assuming that it
> was not the salmon mousse, please most gracious Oracle help me
> understand my boss's instructions for the redesign of the type VI
> sorter.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your boss suffered an attack of Cult Quote Overflow (CQO, pronounced
} "cuckoo"). This is quite a common disorder amongst frequent Usenet
} posters where, as you probably know, any direct or indirect reference
} to a cult phenomenon such as Monty Python or Douglas Adams requires
} everyone else to instantly post follow-up quotes to indicate that
} they, too, are familiar with the source material. About 65% of all
} Usenet traffic now consists of such posts.
}
} Over time, Usenetters become sensitized, and anything that sounds like
} it might be an allusion is likely to set them off at inappropriate
} moments. Your boss's attack seems a fairly harmless one on the whole,
} though I am slightly concerned by the presence of Doctor Who material
} in there amongst the more familiar stuff. If his condition worsens,
} expect to hear such things as "These are not the droids you're looking
} for", "You talkin' to me?", "There can be only one!" and "My name is
} Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die". The terminal
} stages are characterized by such outbursts as "Smoke me a kipper, I'll
} be back for breakfast", "Don't cross the beams!" and "Klaatu barada
} nikto". When you hear any of these, you should put him out of his
} misery as quickly and humanely as possible.
}
} As to your outstanding problem, on no account use the Force, Luke - I
} mean, use any of this in the redesign of the type VI sorter. It's
} life, but not as we know it - I'm sorry, I can't do that, Dave . . .
} Argh! I meant to say, I'm sorry, I meant to say it's as funny as an
} amusingly shaped vegetable. No, I didn't! Deep breaths, Orrie. In,
} out, in, out . . . I'm in control. I'm a doctor, not a . . . not a
} . . . I am not a doctor, I am the Oracle. That's right, and I am not a
} number, I am a free man! I am the gatekeeper - are you the keymaster?
} Well, you can't be, because I ate his liver with some fava beans and
} a nice chianti. I'll have what she's having. I seem to be having
} tremendous difficulty with my lifestyle. I would have got away with it
} too, if it hadn't been for you pesky kids. I see a little silhouetto
} of a man, Scaramouche, Scaramouche, won't you . . . Shut that bloody
} bouzouki up!
}
} Okay, I'm better now. All I was trying to say is that priming a
} distribution unit with endless examples of other people's humor is not
} going to make the world a better place, is it now? God knows, there's
} little enough originality around as it is - let's not implant even
} more people with the Python-parroting meme.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Royale with cheese, a good day to die and some of
} the violence inherent in the system. Make it so.


1239-08    (22cie dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Oracle most wise and sagacious, I've just read your recent
> diagnosis from #1238:
>
> } Over time, Usenetters become sensitized, and anything that sounds
> } like it might be an allusion is likely to set them off at
> } inappropriate moments. Your boss's attack seems a fairly harmless one
> } on the whole, though I am slightly concerned by the presence of
> } Doctor Who material in there amongst the more familiar stuff. If his
> } condition worsens, expect to hear such things as "These are not the
> } droids you're looking for", "You talkin' to me?", "There can be only
> } one!" and "My name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to
> } die". The terminal stages are characterized by such outbursts as
> } "Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast", "Don't cross the
> } beams!" and "Klaatu barada nikto". When you hear any of these, you
> } should put him out of his misery as quickly and humanely as possible.
>
> I am shocked, shocked to realize that I recognize each and every one of
> these quotes. The only one I had a moment's hesitation on was the
> SMAKIBBFB, which I couldn't immediately place. I swear to God, I've
> only watched Red Dwarf one time, one fucking time, and it just happened
> to be that episode! I resigned from the Dr. Who fan club decades ago
> (literally!), and surely the Star Wars, Taxi Driver, Highlander,
> Princess Bride, Ghostbusters and The Day The Earth Stood Still quotes
> have become part of the larger popular culture, right? (Well, OK, I
> *did* buy the Princess Bride video when it came out 10 years ago, but
> it was a youthful indescretion. I only watch it now for nostalgia's
> sake.) (OK, OK, so I had Highlander out from the video store for four
> weeks running. It was only summer reruns on TV, and I didn't have cable
> at the time, OK?)
>
> Oh, wait, I just did a Google search on that catch phrase from Red
> Dwarf, and it looks like it was used a lot on that show. Recognizing
> SMAKIBBFB is roughly the equivalent of recognizing "Bang, zoom, to the
> moon, Alice!" after seeing one episode of "The Honeymooners" (a show
> which I've only seen two or three episodes of, and which seems really
> stupid).
>
> So, anyway, nevermind. I guess I'm not a mindless pop culture drone
> after all.
>
> However, since I'm already sending you an e.mail... which is better,
> satellite or cable?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Now wait, I say wait just a minute there, boy. You have merely
} established that you MAY not be a mindless pop culture drone. The only
} way to prove it one way or the other beyond a shadow of a doubt is for
} you to complete the following questionnaire.
}
} THE INTERNET ORACLE'S (tm)
} POP ENCULTURATION INVENTORY
} ---------------------------
}
} 1. Complete HAL's line: "This kind of problem has cropped up before,
}    and it has always been due to..."
}
}      a. Gremlins.
}      b. My Intel Pentium processor.
}      c. Irritable bowel syndrome.
}      d. Human error.
}
} 2. Which of the following was not said by Yoda?
}
}      a. "Do or do not, there is no try."
}      b. "Size matters not."
}      c. "Like a box of chocolates life is."
}      d. "When nine hundred years old you reach, look as good you
}          will not."
}
} 3. What is the original British title of the book & film known to
}    USAns as "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone?"
}
}      a. Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone.
}      b. Harry Potter Gets Stoned.
}      c. When Harry Potter Met Sally.
}      d. Windows XP for Dummies.
}
} 4. "And it absolutely will not stop! Ever! Until you are dead!" What
}    is being referred to?
}
}      a. The Terminator.
}      b. The Love Boat.
}      c. Columbo.
}      d. Income tax.
}
} 5. What was Gabrielle sitting on in the notorious bathing scene in
}    "Xena: Warrior Princess"?
}
}      a. Xena's hand.
}      b. The soap.
}      c. The remains of her acting career.
}      d. Joxer the Mighty (or any other Carry On-style double entendre
}         of your choice).
}
} 6. Who said: "I'm not bad, I'm just drawn that way"?
}
}      a. Beavis.
}      b. Hobbes.
}      c. Osama bin Laden.
}      d. Jessica Rabbit.
}
} 7. When did the Traveller come as a large and moving Torg?
}
}      a. During the Rectification of the Voldrani.
}      b. During the Third Reconciliation of the Last of the Mecentrig.
}      c. Last Tuesday.
}      d. Whenever it damn well pleases!
}
} 8. Sir Ian McKellen was unbelievably cool in:
}
}      a. Richard III.
}      b. Gods and Monsters.
}      c. X-Men.
}      d. All of the above.
}
}      (NB: For the purposes of this test, d. is the wrong answer.)
}
} 9. Who amongst the following has had Borg implants?
}
}      a. Captain Jean-Luc Picard.
}      b. Seven of Nine.
}      c. Britney Spears.
}      d. All of the above.
}
} 10. Which of the following was not said by Duke Nukem 3D?
}
}      a. "Blow it out your ass!"
}      b. "Let god sort 'em out."
}      c. "Like a box of chocolates life is."
}      d. "I haven't got time to play with myself."
}
} 11. Why do aliens from a distant part of the universe all speak with
}     Australian accents?
}
}      a. Australians ARE from a distant part of the universe.
}      b. You've been watching too much "Farscape".
}      c. You didn't expect aliens from a distant part of the universe
}         to actually speak English, did you?
}      d. Fair crack of the whip, mate, they don't know if it's Pitt
}         Street or Christmas out there, and that's the good oil on it!
}
} 12. Of whom was it said he "experienced the sort of abysmal soul
}     sadness which afflicts one of Tolstoy's peasants when, after
}     putting in a heavy day's work strangling his father, beating his
}     wife, and dropping the baby into the city reservoir, he turns to
}     the cupboard, only to find the vodka bottle empty"?
}
}      a. Ace Ventura, pet detective.
}      b. Babe, the sheep-pig.
}      c. Fester Bestertester.
}      d. Freddie Threepwood.
}
} Score one point for each correct answer from 1-11, and deduct three if
} you actually recognised the P G Wodehouse quote in 12. If your overall
} score is nine or higher, you are unquestionably a mindless pop culture
} drone, so stop trying to pretend otherwise.
}
} And, in answer to your question, any megalomaniac bent on global
} conquest from Blofeld to Dr Evil will tell you that cable is a non-
} starter when it comes to deploying a giant continent-obliterating
} death ray. I'm surprised you even had to ask.
}
} You owe this incarnation a rest from pop culture questions. I'm
} starting to develop a craving to watch "Blake's Seven".


1245-08    (23cnd dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: "BJ Backitis" <bjbackitis@alumni.clemson.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My Danish friend asked me a riddle.  She said, "If a German
> and a Swede were to fall from the 45th floor of a building,
> which one would hit the ground first?"
>
> Well, I was thinking about how the heavier one would fall faster,
> until I remembered that such was not the case.  Finally I gave
> up and asked her the answer.  "Who cares?" she said.
>
> What was supposed to be funny about that?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Leapin' Lizards! You're in horrible danger of permanently losing
} your sense of humor!
}
} Quick take this test to see if you have any mirth detecting bones
} left in your body:
}
}  ----------------------------------------------------------
} #1:
}
} Q: What did one mirror say to the other?
} A: It's all done with people.
}
} This joke is about:
}
} a) Mirrors
} b) People
} c) An ironic twist to an old saw, aimed at exposing both
}    the way one's point of view and ability to deal with
}    illusion is governed by positional relevance.
} d) I don't get it.
}  ----------------------------------------------------------
} #2:
}
} An old man and old woman are standing outside a very successful
} travel agency staring longingly at a sign about a trip to Paris.
} The owner of the shop sees them and feels sorry for them, he
} brings them in and explains to them he is going to give them the
} trip for free. A month or two later the shop owner sees the old
} woman walking by, he stops her and asks how she like the trip.
} She replies, "It was great, the museums, the cafes. And that man
} sure had fun too. Who was he anyway?"
}
} This joke is about:
}
} a) Paris
} b) Old people
} c) An object lesson on the fact that no good deed goes
}    unpunished, plus a naughty glint of the lurid undercurrent
}    of sexual tension that lies so close to the surface of
}    human relations
} d) I don't get it.
}  ----------------------------------------------------------
} #3:
}
} Betsy Sue had a horrible quarter at college, she flunked Spanish,
} she got a big dent in her car and she has a horrible breakup with
} her boyfriend. A month later she has a new boyfriend and in a fit
} of meanness she sends her old boyfriend a picture of her and the
} new guy in bed together. Her old boyfriend turns the photo over
} and writes on the back, "College is way fun, need more money" and
} mails it to her parents.
}
} This joke is about:
}
} a) College students
} b) Sex
} c) It's really less a joke than an urban legendish tale that
}    has the transgressor of a social norm punished in a like
}    manner that one grudgingly smiles at the audacity of
} d) I don't get it.
}  ----------------------------------------------------------
} #4:
}
} Some hunters drive up to a farmer's house. One of them gets out
} and goes and asks the farmer for permission to hunt on his
} land. The farmer says it's okay, but asks a favor. Out in the
} yard is his old dog Blue. "Blue needs to be put to sleep, he's
} in pain and blind and he's got the mange. I can't bring myself
} to shoot him though, could you do it for me?" The hunter agrees.
} As he leaves the building the hunter decides to play a trick
} on his friends. He get in the car and says, "That mean old guy
} won't let us hunt here. I'll show him." Then he takes his rifle
} and KABOOM! shots the dog. All the other hunters start firing,
} KABOOM! POW! BANG! BANG! KABOOM! They shout, "I got his cow!
} I got the rooster! I got his cat!"
}
} This joke is about:
}
} a) Hunters
} b) Ohmygawd! That isn't funny at all!
} c) The mindset of humans is altered when they are heavily armed
}    in a manner that allows the social veneer to be stripped off
}    far too easily leading to episodes of violence and mayhem
} d) I don't get it.
}  ----------------------------------------------------------
} #5:
}
} Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
} A: To get to the other side.
}
} This joke is about:
}
} a) Roads
} b) Chickens
} c) Absurdity at times is banal
} d) I don't get it.
}  ----------------------------------------------------------
}
} If you answered 'c' or 'd' to any of them you are humor impaired.
} Answers of 'a' just mean you're a tad slow, but trainable. The
} correct answer to each question is 'b'.
}
} You owe the Oracle a serious tome


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