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Best of Internet Oracularities #1276-1300

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1276-1300, 1278-03, 1296-10, 1297-10, 1277-02, 1282-08, 1287-04, 1298-10, 1278-02, 1281-04, 1285-10, 1286-07, 1289-03, 1290-03, 1290-10, 1292-09, 1294-08, 1299-08


Best of Internet Oracularities #1276-1300    (3.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 23 Jan 2003 15:32:00 -0500

Oracularities are the distilled wisdom and sagacity of the Internet
Oracle, as incarnated in its many anonymous e-mail participants.
This collection has been compiled from the regular Oracularities postings
#1276 through #1300 and contains the Oracularities rated by its readers
as among the funniest.

To find out more about the Internet Oracle, send mail to
oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line to receive
the Oracle helpfile.

The regular Oracularities postings can be found in the Usenet newsgroup
rec.humor.oracle.  Open discussion about the Internet Oracle occurs in
the newsgroup rec.humor.oracle.d.  If your site doesn't carry these
newsgroups, contact your news administrator about starting them, or
see the Oracle helpfile about subscribing to the Oracularities e-mail
distribution list.


1278-03    (01dhi dist, 4.1 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey Oracle who is really smart.
>
> How many vacation days does Bush get?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Strangely enough, the more important you are, the less vital
} it is that you actually be in the office.  Let us examine the
} relationship between status and necessity...
}
} MAILBOY:  Has to be on the ball every minute of every day or
} the whole firm will shut down due to lack of mail.
} Status:  Nil.
} Necessity:  Supreme.
}
} CLERK:  Has to come in to work every day.  Without him, numbers
} are wrong, and at each level above him (and there are many) the
} errors will multiply.
} Status:  Minimal
} Necessity:  Very high
}
} SUPERVISOR:  Comes in to work every day, but can shag off early
} on a Thursday afternoon without much problem.  Is really only
} needed weekly to check CLERK's work.
} Status:  Marginal
} Necessity:  High
}
} MANAGER:  Comes in to work nearly every day, but spends most of
} the time canoodling with secretary (equiv. to STOCKBOY).  Only
} function is to be fired when a sacrificial goat is necessary,
} without disturbing the people who actually work.
} Status:  High
} Necessity:  Marginal
}
} VP:  May or may not come in to work.  Will not be missed.  Only
} function is to tell CEO what MANAGER is up to, and to be fired
} when accounting irregularities arise, but CEO is saving MANAGER's
} firing for another scandal.
} Status:  Very high
} Necessity: Minimal
}
} CEO:  Usually doesn't come in to work.  Usually out at trade shows
} or "high-level negotiations" at the golf course.  Primary function
} is to be the public face of the company, but is usually old, bald,
} fat, and unpleasant; you do the math.
} Status:  Supreme
} Necessity:  Nil
}
} PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA:  Leader of the free
} world.  Problem is, it's the (ahem) *FREE* world, which does best
} when left alone and not bothered.  Every day PRESIDENT comes in
} to the office, the free world is interfered with, so negative
} progress is made.  Experts pray for PRESIDENT to take more
} vacations.
} Status:  Awe-inspiring
} Necessity:  Negative
}
} So, the answer to your question about how many vacation days
} President Bush gets:
}     NOT ENOUGH
}
} You owe the Oracle five (5) paid days off.


1296-10    (06blo dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ye great Oracle, master of the world, nay, the universe...
>
> How shall I repair this sword?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Bah! Here, take this. Haven't you heard, "The pen is mightier than
} the sword!"
}
}              -------------------------
}
} 'There are Orcs out there' said Gandalf `And a great cave-troll!"
}
} 'They will pay for disturbing the rest of Balin,' said Aragorn
} grimly feeling the edge of his pen, Bic, Ballpoint of the West.
}
} And like a storm in burst the Cave Troll, and forward leapt
} Aragorn and with his pen he wrote a Great Flame chocked full
} of Hateful Words of Lore on the arm of the Cave Troll, phrases
} of great infliction, cunningly crafted they pointed out the Cave
} Troll's many failings, his inability to think his way out of a
} wet parchment bag. And worse!
}
} The Cave Troll paused and held up its arm, huge as a beam, so it
} could view the words The Pen of Aragorn had written there. But,
} alas the Cave Troll was as illiterate as he was strong and the
} words effected him not. Down came the troll's arm and with it a
} hammer as big as two fattened oxen. And so ended the life of the
} heir of Islidur.
}
}                 ------------------------
}
} Oracle: Oops. Sorry about that.


1297-10    (04enl dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Hey Oracle! Look at this! If you use a monospaced font to
>  view your email, then the lines in this question line up!
>  Of course, if you do not then you lose the effect. Also I
>  had to use words I don't really know the meaning of, like
>  "uxurious" to achieve the desired result. I bet that news
>  papers could save money by buying cheaper word processors
>  that don't have a "justify" alignment and just tell their
>  writers to write so that all the lines are aligned in the
>  Courier New font. Although the lost productivity spent by
>  trying to align the lines would cost something too. I bet
>  that if I dragged this out for a while, I would then make
>  a cube! I mean a square. Cubes are three-dimensional. But
>  then I'd have to continue for about another twenty lines.
>  So I won't. But I don't want to exert the effort required
>  to make the lines aligned anymore so I'll just end abrupt

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I would be          a bit more
} excited by          your skill
}           if you did          a pattern.
}           Like a box          with holes
} in it like          this. Or a
} swirl or a          zigzag. If
}           You really          tried hard
}           with these          things you
} might just          get into a
} digest. If          you have a
}           desire for          RHO infamy
}           you'd make          a question
} that would          ask me how
} woodchucks          chuck wood


1277-02    (13cif dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, who could bring a knife to a gunfight and win
> anyway, please tell this lowly supplicant...
>
> Where have all the cowboys gone?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First, just to make sure we're clear, I could come to a gunfight with a
} spoon and win anyway.  Isn't *that* ironic?
}
} Hmm, cowboys, cowboys--I had them here a second ago...  Ah, here we
} are. Since the main job of the cowboy was to herd cattle from the
} ranches to the various slaughterhouses, the need for them was greatly
} reduced as more of the country was connected via road and rail.  Today,
} all the cowboys have changed professions to a modern job that suits
} their skills.  Since they can withstand a great deal of monotony, are
} proficient in pointing brainless animals in the proper direction
} (especially when the destination is not in the animals' best interest),
} jump into action the moment any little thing goes awry (which includes
} things being "too quiet"), don't care what they're wearing as long as
} it's comfortable and are willing to shoot someone they don't like on
} sight, they are currently in great demand.
}
} We now call them tech support.
}
} And don't be fooled by those namby-pamby city-slickers on "help desk".
} Those fools can't tell a SCSI port from a hole in their head.  I'm
} talking real tech support.  The guys and girls who'll format a hard
} drive just to show the machine who's boss (especially if it runs any
} form of Windows).  I once saw a man quick-draw his leatherman and swap
} out two hard drives and a motherboard before the greenhorn MCSE he was
} facing found the power switch.  Some say they've lost their spark from
} the old days, but those who do have never felt the sting of a blood
} sacrifice freely given to the gods of PCI card installation.
}
} Oh, you want to know how to win a gunfight with a spoon?  Just hold it
} up and say "There is no spoon".  When your opponent looks at your hand
} to try to figure out what you're talking about (and how to get you to
} share your obviously high-quality stash), you kick him in the
} saddlehorn.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pair of chaps, a spoon, and a saddlehorn cup.


1282-08    (14dni dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, mighty Oracle, whose very mojo makes the ground tremble, please tell
> me:
>
> Where were all the tongue-stud-sporting, low-jeans-wearing,
> midriff-bearing hotties when I was in school, dammit?
>
> Many thanks,
> An appalled-and-vaguely-frustrated, aging supplicant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In diapers.


1287-04    (34djp dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are men so obsessed with breasts?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ...
}
} *looks back up*
}
} Sorry, what were you saying?


1298-10    (22gfl dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oracle most wise, who knows the network like the back of his hand,
>
>  What happens to all the lost packets? Will they ever find their way
>  home?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sure, leave them alone, and they'll come home, wagging--wait, sorry,
} that's sheep. Well, gentle supplicant, let's fire up the network
} monitor so you can see what's going on:
}
}       _______| |______| |______   ______
} source o                       ...       destination
}       -----------| |--------| |   ------
}
}       _______| |______| |______   ______
} source o      o                ...       destination
}       -----------| |--------| |   ------
}
}       _______| |______| |______   ______
} source o      o      o         ...       destination
}       -----------| |--------| |   ------
}
}       _______| |______| |______   ______
} source o      o      o      o  ...       destination
}       -----------| |--------| |   ------
}
}       _______| |______| |______   ______
} source o      o      o      o  ...       destination
}       -----------| |--------| |   ------
}                             ooo
}                             ooo
}                             ---
}                              o
}                             Bar
}
} They'll be home, but not until about 2.
}
} You owe the Oracle a virtual beer.


1278-02    (059ob dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty omniscient Oracle, fount of all knowledge, keeper of all
> wisdom, here the plea of this poor soul...
>
> What is Kraft American "cheese-like food" *really* made of?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In order from largest amount to smallest amount, it's made of:
}
} *deep breath*
}
} Thiamin mononitrate, ferrous sulfate, sodium benzoate, benzium
} sodioate, partially hydrogenated soybean oil, dexadrin, soy
} lecithin-an emulsifier, kitten katothol, sodium ascorbate and
} ascorbic acid, pyridoxine hydrochloride, hydrochloric palmitate,
} phosphoric acid, lactic acid starter culture, BHA, BHT, maltodextrin,
} LL-cysteine hydrochloride, ammonium sulfate, monocalcium phosphate,
} THBQ, MVBMS, bits of Jimmy Hoffa, ethylhexyl p-methoxycinnamate,
} oxybenzone, 2-ethyhexyl salicyate, homosalate, snips and snails and
} puppydog tails, PEG-8, silica, cetyl phosphate, acrylates/C10-30
} alkyl acrylate crosspolymer, diazolidinyl urea, methylparaben,
} popylparaben, disodium EDTA, propylene glycol, patent pending,
} triethanolamine, THC, PABA, canthaxanthin, 5-hydroxy tryptophan,
} adenosine triphosphate, synthetic iron oxide, nasty squid
} tentacles, ferrous gluconate, toasted partially defatted cooked
} cottonseed flour, radioactive waste, titanium dioxide, riboflavin,
} potassium sodium copper chlorophyllin (chlorophyllin-copper
} complex), luminescent zinc sulfide, sunlight, strawberry alarm
} clocks, 1,4-Bis((2-hydroxy-ethyl)amino)-9,10-anthracenedione
} bis(2-propenoic)ester copolymers, hydroxyethyl methacrylate, vinyl
} alcohol/methyl methacrylate-dye reaction products, acrylamide, love,
} sweet love, KAVA, hydrocodone w/APAP, alprazolam, triamterine/HCTZ,
} some bad vibes that are just making me freak out, man, glucophage,
} rantidine HCI, metaprolol tartrate and milk.
}
} And here I bet you thought it didn't have any milk in it at all, huh?
}
} You owe the Oracle a new spellchecker--I burned mine out on this
} answer.


1281-04    (10jkb dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <shantipoet@teenagewildlife.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most suitable Oracle, who can tie in any reference to any other
> fact yet has never had his shoelaces tied to a chair by gnomes,
> please answer my question, if you would please,
>
> Why do people need names since so few of them look alike?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} -----------------------------------------------------------------------
} 17 DEAD IN FUN-RUN DEBACLE
} By: That reporter with the Big Hair
}
} Yesterday's annual charity marathon in aid of Impoverished Priests was
} transformed into a terrifying exhibition of pain and violence, shocking
} spectators and participants alike.
}
} Some guy with blond hair and a moustache (23), gave us this eye-witness
} account:
}
} "It was shaping up to be a pretty good day - the sun was shining,
} everyone was happy to be doing something for the community - spirits
} were high, you know?
} I was stood on the walkway across the road with two of my buddies -
} that short, fat balding guy, and the one we all suspect of being gay,
} watching the whole thing - the starter's pistol fired, and everyone
} took off - 2,000 people chatting, laughing, enjoying the experience...
} and that's when it happened.
}
} There was some kind of disturbance in the crowd - a mugging,
} bag-snatching - we're not quite sure, and someone ran off towards the
} town square... The shout went up; "Hey you! Stop right there!"
}
} My god, it was horrible - 2,000 people all turning round at once, some
} in rabbit costumes, some in wheelchairs, some pushing their friends
} along in hospital beds... I'd say the whole incident took less than 2
} minutes, and by the time it was all over, the road just looked like a
} butcher's window. One big mass of writhing limbs, and the screams... oh
} dear lord, the screams. I won't be sleeping for a long time."
}
} The mayor, fat corrupt guy who likes hookers, had this to say: "This is
} a sad day for our once-great town - the memories of that guy, the other
} guy, and that annoying one no-one likes - not to mention creepy
} glass-eye dude, will live long in our memories."
} -----------------------------------------------------------------------
}
} You owe the Oracle a name-tag with "HI! My name is BOB" written on it.


1285-10    (45cil dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wonderful, chunderful Oracle,
> Whose name rhymes so nicely with "coracle",
> Please answer my question
> And relieve my congestion:
> What the hell *else* rhymes with Oracle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thou supplicant most oratorical,
} This challenge is largely rhetorical.
} Of course, I do know
} Many rhymes I can show
} To the poet whose work's metaphorical.
}
} I daresay this most allegorical
} Of challenges is quite historical.
} And yet, I can rise
} To this pleasant surprise.
} My wisdom's beyond categorical.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Shakesperean sonnet ending with "orange."


1286-07    (25frf dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> From: Zadoc
> Subject: OOTO Monday and Tuesday
> Date: Fri, 20 Sep 2002
> To: Temple Staff <oracle+staff@cs.indiana.edu>
>
> I'll be out of the office undergoing a painful quadruple root canal on
> Monday and Tuesday. In my absence, if you need someone to lick your
> boots, be generally menial, or be a whipping post, Og will be glad to
> step forward. I should be back Wednesday, and boy would a kick in the
> teeth hurt then!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} From: The Oracle
} Subject: Food
} Date: Sat, 21 Sep 2002
} To: Temple Staff <oracle+staff@cs.indiana.edu>
}
} Starting Monday I want the only foods available in the
} commissary to be peanut brittle, beef jerky, raw almonds,
} and ice cubes.


1289-03    (17jlk dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oh wisest of Oracles,
>
>  Why is "weird" spelled so weird?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} > look around
} You are on page 1732 of The Intergalactic Collegiate English
} Dictionary.  You see lots of words.
}
} You hear shouting from nearby.  You have the faint sense that it
} is directed at you.
}
} > inventory
} You have 5 letters.
}
} > examine letters
} You have a 'w', an 'i', an 'e', an 'r', and a 'd'.
}
} > who am i?
} You are 'wierd'.
}
} > examine words
} Your nearest neighbors are 'wield', above you, and 'wife', below
} you.
}
} You hear loud sounds coming from below.
}
} > examine wife
} She's not very attractive.  In addition, she seems to be yelling
} rather earnestly at you about something.
}
} > listen
} Trust me, you'd rather not do that.
}
} > rearrange letters
} Done.
}
} > who am i?
} You are 'Dr. Wei', prominent brain surgeon.
}
} Mrs. Wei continues to scream at you from below... something about
} using an adjective where an adverb is called for...
}
} > rearrange letters
} Done.
}
} > who am i?
} You are 'Drew I', Lord of Careya.
}
} You continue to hear some choice imprecations being directed at
} you by Lady Drew.
}
} > rearrange letters
} Done.
}
} > who am i?
} You are 'wired'.
}
} Your wife screams at you to sit down and behave like an adult.
}
} > bounce off walls
} Wheee!  Wasn't that fun?  But perhaps you should cut down a bit
} on the caffeine...
}
} Your time is running out.
}
} > rearrange letters
} Done.
}
} (Your score just went up by 10 points)
}
} > who am i?
} You are 'weird'.
}
} > I beg your pardon?
} Hey, that's MY line!  Your pitiful grovel does not entitle you to
} its use.
}
} (Your score just went down by 5 points)
}
} > who am i again?
} You are 'weird'.  Just plain weird.
}
} The silence from below is deafening.
}
} > look around
} You are on page 1695 of The Intergalactic Collegiate English
} Dictionary.  You see lots of words.
}
} > examine words
} Your nearest neighbors are 'weir', above you, and 'welcome',
} below you.
}
} Your southern neighbor greets you kindly and expresses fond
} wishes for your successful integration into this neighborhood.
}
} > listen
} Ahhhh!  You hear a wren singing from far away, perhaps for the
} first time since the dictionary was printed.
}
} (Your score just went up by 10 points)
}
} The game is over!
}
} Congratulations on successfully evading the 'wife'.  Your score
} entitles you to remain exactly where you are in the dictionary,
} your letters forever frozen in their current order.
}
} You owe the Oracle an explanation of the difference between
} 'weird' and 'weirdly'.


1290-03    (18him dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What's that thing?
}  _
} / \                                                              |
} \__\                                                             |
} >__ >                                                            |
} /  /                                                             |
} \_/                                                              |
}
} Oooh, it's one of those stealth fighters.  Ugly brute, isn't it?
}
}            _
}           / \                                                    |
}           \__\                                                   |
}           >__ >                                                  |
}           /  /                                                   |
}           \_/                                                    |
}
} Look at it go!
}
}                     _
}                    / \                                           |
}                    \__\                                          |
}                    >__ >                                         |
}                    /  /                                          |
}                    \_/                                           |
}
} Hey, here comes another one!
}
}                                     _
}                                    / \                           |
}                                    \__\                          |
} >                                  >__ >                         |
}                                    /  /                          |
}                                    \_/                           |
}
} Oops, maybe not.  That looks like a SAM.
}
}                                               _
}                                              / \                 |
}                                              \__\                |
} >>===>====>                                  >__ >               |
}                                              /  /                |
}                                              \_/                 |
}
} Hurry, hurry!
}
}                                                             _
}                                                            / \   |
}                                                            \__\  |
}                          >>===>====>                       >__ > |
}                                                            /  /  |
}                                                            \_/   |
}
} Will he make it?
}                                                                  |
}                                                                  |
}                                                >>===>====>       |
}                                                                  |
}                                                                  |
}
} Oh well, I guess we'll never know.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bigger skylight.


1290-10    (08etf dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Wise,
>
> I have a rather embarrassing problem,
>
> you see 'it' is rather large, quite a bit larger than anything I've
> seen in those videos
> (you know the kind I mean)
> So large in fact, that it frightens my girlfriend, and she doesn't come
> to visit any more.
>
> I've heard that you may also have suffered from this problem,
> do you have any advice?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Those big SUVs are completely inefficient anyway.  Sell it, and buy a
} Mini Cooper.  She'll think it's cute.


1292-09    (08dtf dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> How many "N" ate wings?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, let's work backwards. You invited N friends over to watch the
} game. You bought the Monster Wing Assortment[TM] from your local Dead
} Chicken Purveyor[R]. The assortment has 289 in seventeen levels of
} spiciness:
}
}  1) A la mode
}  2) Reduced Flavor
}  3) Original Factory Farm Flavor
}  4) Artificial Free Range Flavor
}  5) Salt and MSG Bonanza
}  6) Black Pepper
}  7) Red Pepper
}  8) Original Buffalo Flavor
}  9) Extra Cayenne
} 10) Peppery Piquant
} 11) Fire Bomb
} 12) Thermal Failure
} 13) Incendiary Grenade
} 14) Fire-in-the-Hole
} 15) Like-A-Briquette-On-Your-Tongue
} 16) Nuclear
} 17) Pop-Star Photo-shoot
}
} Of your N friends one half (L) don't eat spicy food and are stuck with
} the lower five flavors. All of those wings were consumed. You have K
} friends who love spicy foods, but can only eat nine wings each, before
} their tongues burst into flame and they leave for the emergency room.
} You have J friends who like to one up each other on heat and who
} consumed one of each flavor. One of your friends is vegan and only eats
} the carrots and celery, thus depriving spicy food eaters of a pallete
} cleanser. Now, knowing that K + J + L + 1 = N, and that after the game
} there were 50 wings left burning holes in your paper plates, you can
} easily deduce that
}
} L = 17         ate 3 each      51 wings
} K = 14         ate 9 each     153 wings       204 total
} J =  2         ate 2 each      34 wings       238 total
} you had left over        50           288 total
}
} N = 34, because your so-called vegan friend actually ate one on the
} sly.
}
} You owe the Oracle pop star suitably matched for the #17 wings.


1294-08    (07dph dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O mighty Oracle, whose animated alter ego I am not fit to draw,
>
> In the intro to the animated series "The Simpsons" Homer drops a
> radioactive rod in the sewers. This has happened once a week for a
> large number of years.
>
> Where do those rods end up and what effect does it have on the ecology?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why do you think everyone's yellow and only has 4 fingers?


1299-08    (65acq dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle most global in perspective,
>
> Europe is just as rich and white as America, where do they
> get off by acting like they're morally superior?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, let's lay it on the table and see what we find:
}
} =====================================================================
} |                      |       EUROPE        |     UNITED STATES    |
} =====================================================================
} | 1. Predominant       |                     |                      |
} |    racial grouping?  |       White         |         White        |
} |                      |                     |                      |
} | 2. Level of          |                     |                      |
} |    affluence?        |        Rich         |          Rich        |
} |                      |                     |                      |
} | 3. Repository for    |                     |                      |
} |    spoiled, rich     | Powerless, symbolic |    The White House   |
} |    idiots with       |  royal families     |                      |
} |    famous parents?   |                     |                      |
} |                      |                     |                      |
} | 4. Prevailing public |                     |                      |
} |    opinion on:       |                     |                      |
} |                      |                     |                      |
} |    a. Global warming | It's bloody obvious!| Facts aren't facts   |
} |                      |                     | if they mean I lose  |
} |                      |                     | money.               |
} |                      |                     |                      |
} |    b. Terrorism      | It's a problem.     | AIIIIEEEEE! KILL!    |
} |                      | Let's solve it.     | KILL! KILL! KILL     |
} |                      |                     | ANYONE WHO WHIFFS OF |
} |                      |                     | ANYTHING SUSPICIOUS! |
} |                      |                     |                      |
} |    c. Gun control    | It's bloody obvious!| You can't make your  |
} |                      |                     | problems go away     |
} |                      |                     | just by outlawing    |
} |                      |                     | them.                |
} |                      |                     |                      |
} |    d. Keeping        | It's bloody obvious!| Let's outlaw         |
} |       abortion legal |                     | abortion, and then   |
} |                      |                     | the problem will go  |
} |                      |                     | away! Hurray!        |
} |                      |                     |                      |
} |    e. The death      | Two wrongs don't    | Victim's families    |
} |       penalty        | make a right.       | will find bloodlust  |
} |                      |                     | -- I mean, peace,    |
} |                      |                     | and titillation --   |
} |                      |                     | I mean, closure,     |
} |                      |                     | through revenge --   |
} |                      |                     | I mean, justice.     |
} |                      |                     |                      |
} |    e. War with Iraq  | Shouldn't we have a | Look at all these    |
} |                      | reason, first? Or   | bright, shiny        |
} |                      | some evidence? Or   | weapons we've got!   |
} |                      | something? Hello??  |                      |
} |                      |                     |                      |
} |    f. Food           | Let's have some     | Did somebody say     |
} |                      | traditional         | McDonald's?          |
} |                      | regional favorites  |                      |
} |                      | made with fresh     |                      |
} |                      | ingredients, and a  |                      |
} |                      | fine wine.          |                      |
} =====================================================================
}
} So there you have it, supplicant. The Europeans aren't morally superior
} to you at all. Just intellectually.
}
} You owe the Oracle a star-spangled dunce cap.


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