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Best of Internet Oracularities #1301-1325

Goto:
1301-1325, 1315-10, 1317-04, 1322-04, 1310-08, 1312-10, 1313-10, 1314-07, 1303-03, 1303-06, 1311-10, 1313-07, 1317-01, 1323-09


Best of Internet Oracularities #1301-1325    (3.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 11 Aug 2003 09:34:00 -0500

Oracularities are the distilled wisdom and sagacity of the Internet
Oracle, as incarnated in its many anonymous e-mail participants.
This collection has been compiled from the regular Oracularities postings
#1301 through #1325 and contains the Oracularities rated by its readers
as among the funniest.

To find out more about the Internet Oracle, send mail to
oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line to receive
the Oracle helpfile.

The regular Oracularities postings can be found in the Usenet newsgroup
rec.humor.oracle.  Open discussion about the Internet Oracle occurs in
the newsgroup rec.humor.oracle.d.  If your site doesn't carry these
newsgroups, contact your news administrator about starting them, or
see the Oracle helpfile about subscribing to the Oracularities e-mail
distribution list.


1315-10    (04amg dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wisest Oracle, you are charming and full of vigor,
>
> Does Santa Claus move his home every time the magnetic north
> pole of the Earth shifts?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sigh.  Supplicants don't seem to be properly versed in the Scientific
} Method these days.  You've reversed the cause with the effect.  It's
} Santa's giant toy factory that causes the Earth's magnetic field in
} the first place.  He chose the Arctic Region so that he could cool his
} huge electric generators with ice water.  The factory moves because
} it's built on an ice flow.  Very simple really.
}
} Sualc Atnas, Santa's evil twin brother, is of course required to move
} his junk yard ever decade or so to keep it at the magnetic South Pole.
} He has always hated the "Jolly Old Elf", for that very reason.  It's
} not widely known, but Sualc is the guy who comes around on Christmas
} Day when everyone is taking a nap and breaks the toys of children,
} causing them to cry.  Sometimes, he follows behind Santa on Christmas
} Eve and swipes toys to take back to the Antarctic.
}
} You may be appalled by such a villain, but like vultures and dung
} beetles, he serves a useful purpose in the symphony of nature.  By
} slowly accumulating broken and stolen toys in his south pole junkyard,
} he is lowering the Earth's center of gravity, making it easier for
} Atlas to balance the globe on the back of the enormous tortoise.  Over
} time, that will reduce Atlas's need to see the chiropractor all the
} time, thus lowering medical costs for us all.
}
} You owe the Oracle another shot of tequila.  He feels another headache
} coming on.


1317-04    (256jo dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most wise and astute,
>
> Why are some swords straight and other curved?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It all began nearly thousand years ago. Chen the Coppersmith was a
} skilled gan-tsik, or "maker of swords". He also made knives and daggers
} and shortswoods, but he was best known for his longsword: straight and
} heavy and sharp. It was the sword used by Dag the Warrior, the best
} swordsman in the city where Chen lived. Thus it was known as the
} Tsik-chor, for it was the "sword of warriors".
}
} Like most copper longswords, though, Chen's swords tended to break
} easily. The longer the sword, the more easily it would break. This
} saddened Chen. He decided to close himself in his smithy, accepting no
} customers, until he had found a way to make a sword that was longer
} than his longsword, but just as strong and durable.
}
} Eventually, after weeks of little sleep, no food, and only a sip of
} water each day, Chen emerged. "I have done it!" he shouted. He bore a
} sword that was different from other swords. The blade of the sword was
} not made from one simple piece of metal, but from many -- pounded
} together under great heat, angled one atop another, to produce a long,
} continuously curved blade. Where the pieces of metal were joined,
} hatchmarks could be seen running up and down the blade, glinting in the
} sunlight. "I shall call it the Tsik-Chen, he said -- "the sword of
} Chen".
}
} Now that the sword was complete, he knew what had to be done. He rushed
} to the Dag the Warrior. But Dag had been in many battles in his life,
} always with a straight sword. "I have trust in my sword," he said. "But
} I fear to lay down my life with this new and untested blade." This made
} Tski-Chen very sad, for he had worked so hard to create this sword.
}
} But this conversation was heard by Afuol the Merchant, a wily and
} clever trickster. He came later to Chen and told him that if Chen could
} produce for him three dozen swords in three months, then Afuol would
} buy them. Of course, Chen readily agreed, and Afuol paid him well.
}
} Afuol immediately began to spread the word of Chen's swords. But Afuol
} did not use Chen's name at all, calling it the Tsik-Ban, the
} hatchmarked blade. This way, buyers who heard his rumors would not know
} that it was Chen who created the swords. He also twisted the words he
} had overheard, saying that the blade with the hatchmarks was one that
} even caused Dag the Warrior to fear. When they heard this, sellers from
} miles around became interested in the sword that struck fear in Dag the
} Warrior's heart.
}
} Chen was displeased to hear of how Afuol spoke, but what was he to do?
} He had already made a deal with Afuol, and was honor bound to create
} nearly twoscore hatchmarked blades. Still, the words ate at Chen's
} heart, and he was unable to think clearly. Sword after sword was ruined
} at his hand, to foolish and simple mistakes. Soon, the three months
} were nearly passed, and Chen had only ten swords to show.
}
} But then Chen had a thought. He only promised to supply longer, curved,
} hatchmarked swords -- but made no promise that they be good swords, and
} strong swords. And none knew that Chen was the maker of the swords, so
} what had he to lose? He took six and thirty of his normal longswords,
} and began to rebeat them on the anvil. He drew them out, and bent the
} blades, and even cut into them hatched markings with a knife. Each step
} weakend them, but Afuol would not know, for Afuol was neither a
} swordsman nor a maker of swords.
}
} And so Chen delivered three dozen swords, and Afuol sold them. And
} those that bought them told of what poor swords they were, and few of
} them ever bought another thing from Afuol again, leaving him penniless.
} But when Chen offered to replace the poor swords with his own Tsi-Chen,
} he was hailed as a hero, and many saw the quality of his true
} workmanship.
}
} This story may or may not answer your question. But more importantly,
} it demonstrates several very important points:
}
}   1) You cannot teach an old Dag new Tsiks.
}   2) Afuol and his money are soon parted.
}   3) Don't count your Tsi-Chen before they're hatched.
}
} You owe the Oracle -- well, no. Actually, the Oracle owes you a sincere
} apology.


1322-04    (258om dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: lawrence.4@pop.service.ohio-state.edu

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, I'm an astronomy researcher on the Planet Search Team at San
> Francisco State University.  We detect extrasolar planets by studying
> gravitational "wobbles" in nearby stars; if the planet is large enough
> to be detected, we can deduce its size and orbit by observing the
> planet's gravitational pull on the star.
>
> Last month we were studying HD 73256, a small star in the
> constellation Canis Major with a periodic red shift and blue shift
> in its spectral lines.  At first the star's "wobble" looked like the
> expected pattern, caused by a nearby Jupiter-sized planet -- but as
> we studied the observations over time we discovered the blue shift
> was disproportionately larger than the red shift.  In layman's terms,
> it appears the star is being pulled *toward* us, rather than simply
> being pulled around in a circle by an orbiting planet.
>
> Further calculations suggest that the pull is accelerating -- and
> that, if it continues on the curve we've projected, the star will
> enter and destroy our solar system in about 41 years, seven months.
>
> All of this leads up to my question, which by now of course should
> be obvious.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, your wife is cheating on you.


1310-08    (28ght dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> Why are metals sonorous?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If they were daughterorous, they'd be treated like common ores.


1312-10    (16j8r dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Paul Kelly <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Quick, add up the numbers 1 to 100 and give me the answer before
> prof Gauss figures out what I am doing!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why bother? You've only got a 5050 chance to pass this class anyway.


1313-10    (11inf dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <shantipoet@teenagewildlife.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> I've heard it said that "if wishes were horses, beggars would ride"
>
> Now, if beggars got a bunch of horses, would they really ride, or would
> they just eat better?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's find out!
}
} [ Six months later... a major metropolitan area in the
}   American Northeast. Zadoc and the Oracle are walking
}   down a cold windswept street. ]
}
} Oracle: Six months ago we gave 100 beggars one horse
}         each. Now we're back to see how they fared.
}         Whoa! Zadoc you fool, watch where you step.
}
} [ Zadoc lifts up one of his feet and stares at it. ]
}
} Oracle: Spoor. We're close.
}
} [ Just then a little old lady comes running down
}   the street towards our two heroes. Ok. One hero
}   and his fool. ]
}
} Zadoc: I do say, that is passingly odd.
}
} [ A horse bearing a bum rounds the corner in pursuit
}   of the lady. ]
}
} Bum: Come on. Surely you can spare a dollar for some
}      clover for my nag?
}
} [ Horse and rider fly by. ]
}
} Oracle: Hmm.
}
} [ They cross the street to a park. ]
}
} Oracle: Oh dear. This is Not Good. Not Good at all.
}
} [ In the park they see horses passed out near paper
}   bags bearing bottles of screw cap wine. Horses
}   warming their hooves over a fire in an old barrel.
}   A horse in hot pants wanders over to the Oracle. ]
}
} Horse in hot pants: Want to horse around?
}
} Oracle: Nay.
}
} Horse in hot pants: Sure, but that will cost you extra.
}
} Zadoc: Wisest One, are we done here?
}
} Oracle: Sadly yes, it seems you can make a horse drink
}         after all.
}
} Horse in hot pants: Hey!
}
} [ fade to black ]


1314-07    (16hdp dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I suffer from dystypea, cuasing me occasoinally to reserve pairs
> of letters in wrods I am typing on my cmoputer.  Is there a crue?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ni a word?
}
} On.
}
} Dael with ti.
}
} If, at times, you aer typing some wrods
} And the wrods you are tyipng are coming out worng
} Then, whatever you od, make sure you don't try
} To cleverly rhyme and maek pu a snog.
}
} When dytsypea's there a song can be hrad;
} A peom's as bad, and at tmies can be wrose,
} So whatever you do, just stay far awya
} And don't even tyr to make up a vrese.
}
} Those alphabte letters will jump all around
} And act like a germlin is loose on your kyes.
} There's nothing to do, but just grin and baer it,
} Cause if you're rael lucyk you'll type out some sleaez.
}
} Then maek up a web page and use graet big fonst
} And soon your hit countre will go through the roof.
} People will think you'er some foreing scritp kiddie
} Who's doing his bset to be l33t and aloof.
}
} And soon you'll be famuos, your link will be posted,
} Your name will be known on the great meassge boards.
} And all fro the fact that you laerned how to live with
} Reversing some letters inisde of your wrods.
}
} You owe the Oracle oen copy of "Hokoed on Phoncis".


1303-03    (18dph dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hmm... I wonder what would happen if I rubbed this old lamp. Lessee...
> *rubs*

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No! NO!
}
} Ewwww.
}
} [ Lamp laughs. ]
}
} The 'smartest' thing those pervert old lamps ever did was getting
} everyone to believe in genies.
}
} You owe the Oracle a mop.


1303-06    (2b9km dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> This is a multi-part message in MIME format.
>
> ------=_NextPart_000_007D_01C2B7B9.0A6CF220
> Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1"
> Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit
>
> Why do most of the women that I know hate Britney Spears?
>
> ------=_NextPart_000_007D_01C2B7B9.0A6CF220
> Content-Type: application/ms-tnef; name="winmail.dat"
> Content-Transfer-Encoding: base64
> Content-Disposition: attachment; filename="winmail.dat"
>
> eJ8+IgkOAQaQCAAEAAAAAAABAAEAAQeQBgAIAAAA5AQAAAAAAADoAAEIgAcAGAAAAElQTS5N
> AAAAFAAAAE9yYWNsZSB0ZWxsIG1lIHRoaXMAAgFxAAEAAAAWAAAAAcK361PjqataTiMIEdez
> CDjQ3gAAAgEdDAEAAAATAAAAU01UUDpCLVJZQU5AVEkuQ09NAAALAAEOAAAAAEAABg4AmJJP
> AQIBCg4BAAAAGAAAAAAAAABfpwMHwNzUEbMyAGAIONDewoAAAAsAHw4BAAAAAwAGELU9yBwD
> LgAAAB4ACBABAAAALwAAAFdIWURPTU9TVE9GVEhFV09NRU5USEFUSUtOT1dIQVRFQlJJVE5F
> RUFSUz8AAAIBCRABAAAAvgAAALoAAAABAQAATFpGdZMS6r4DAAoAcmNwZzEyNRYyAPgLYG4O
> M08B9wKkBGQCAGNoCsBz8GV0MCAIVQKDAFAD1ZsHEwKAfQqACMggOwlvljACgAqBdgiQd2sL
>
> ------=_NextPart_000_007D_01C2B7B9.0A6CF220--

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} > ------=_NextPart_000_007D_01C2B7B9.0A6CF220
} > Content-Type: application/ms-tnef; name="winmail.dat"
} > Content-Transfer-Encoding: base64
} > Content-Disposition: attachment; filename="winmail.dat"
} >
} > 8888   M::::::::::::::M88888888888::::::MM888888888888888    88888
} >  888   M:::::::::::::M8888888888888M:::::mM888888888888888    8888
} >   888  M::::::::::::M8888:888888888888::::m::Mm88888 888888   8888
} >    88  M::::::::::::8888:88888888888888888::::::Mm8   88888   888
} >    88  M::::::::::8888M::88888::888888888888:::::::Mm88888    88
} >    8   MM::::::::8888M:::8888:::::888888888888::::::::Mm8     4
} >        8M:::::::8888M:::::888:::::::88:::8888888::::::::Mm    2
} >       88MM:::::8888M:::::::88::::::::8:::::888888:::M:::::M
} >      8888M:::::888MM::::::::8:::::::::::M::::8888::::M::::M
} >     88888M:::::88:M::::::::::8:::::::::::M:::8888::::::M::M
} >    88 888MM:::888:M:::::::::::::::::::::::M:8888:::::::::M:
} >    8 88888M:::88::M:::::::::::::::::::::::MM:88::::::::::::M
} >      88888M:::88::M:::::::::#####################################
} >     888888M:::88::M:::::::::#####################################
} >     888888MM::88::MM::::::::#####################################
} >     88888  M:::8::MM::::::::#####################################
} >     8888   MM::::::MM:::::::#####################################
} >      888    M:::::::MM::::::#####################################
} >      888    MM:::::::MMM::::::::::::::::MM:::MM:::::::::::::::M
} >       88     M::::::::MMMM:::::::::::MMMM:::::MM::::::::::::MM
} >       88    MM:::::::::MMMMMMMMMMMMMMM::::::::MMM::::::::MMM
} >         88    MM::::::::::::MMMMMMM::::::::::::::MMMMMMMMMM
} >          88   8MM::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::MMMMMM
} >           8   88MM::::::::::::::::::::::M:::M::::::::MM
} >
} > ------=_NextPart_000_007D_01C2B7B9.0A6CF220--


1311-10    (18cil dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Will you marry me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sure! Let's set a date and register our china pattern.
}
} Oh, wait: there's just one thing. You have to prove you love me.
} A single rose and a good kiss ought to cover that. Then we can get
} married.
}
} Oops, I forgot again. You have to prove that you're ready to
} get married.  No big deal, just come with me to a topless beach
} during Spring Break and keep eye contact with me 100% of the time.
} Piece of cake. That, the rose and kiss thing, and we're married.
}
} Boy, I just don't know where my head is today. You also need to prove
} that you're grown up enough to pull your weight in my household.
} Be a dear and scrub the toilets, dust the venetian blinds, wax the
} garage floor and comb the shag carpet. Then we go to the beach,
} then we kiss while I get a flower, then the wedding bells ring.
}
} Wait -- wait, no, I really should write these things down. You ALSO
} need to prove that you can support me in the manner to which I'm
} accustomed.  Here's my shopping list. Have it all on the porch
} by sunrise tomorrow.  No, that says twenty-four karat. No, Fannie
} Mae is not an acceptable replacement for Godiva. No substitutions.
} Get all that done, then the cleaning stuff, then the beach, then a
} kiss and a rose, and I can almost hear "Here comes the bride" playing.
}
} Gee, I keep thinking I'm done, and then more crops up. You also need
} to talk to me about your feelings, tell me about a childhood memory so
} painful that it makes you cry, give me a good snuggle for no reason
} when I least expect it, spend a whole weekend shopping with me, stop
} the car and ask for directions, let ME have sole custody of the remote
} control for the entire NCAA tournament, listen to me rant about my day
} without making a SINGLE SUGGESTION about how to solve my problems, and
} stand by nodding and smiling while I get my long hair cut off short.
}
} Oh, and you have to meet with the approval of all my friends.
}
} And get me a puppy. You feed, bathe, clean up after, and otherwise
} maintain it. But fix it so it bonds just to me and cuddles with me
} all the time.
}
} That, blah-blah-blah, and the rose and kiss, and THEN I'll marry you.
}
} See what your friends are talking about when they say, "My wedding's
} coming up, and there's just so much to DO!" Never in your wildest
} dreams imagined, did you?
}
} You owe the Oracle a bouquet of flowers carved from finest Godiva
} chocolate. Be a dear and put "Attention: Lisa" on the mailing label.


1313-07    (12hpd dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hello hello hello, what's all this then?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You know, when you're asking "Who is that guy in the mirror?" it
} is time to get to know yourself better. To help in that regard
} the Oracle offers the following:
}
}          -- The Get to Know Thyself Quick Quiz --
}
} 1) Which of the following days, in your opinion, is most important?
}
}    a - April Fool's
}    b - Election Day
}    c - July 4th, 1947
}    d - pay day
}    e - St. Darwin Day
}
} 2) If your home caught on fire which of the following would you
}    try to save first?
}
}    a - box of cereal
}    b - computer
}    c - your photos of chupacabra
}    d - your life
}    e - camera so you take take pics of the event
}
} 3) Where would you like to spend a vacation?
}
}    a - Anywhere in California
}    b - Washington DC
}    c - Loch Ness
}    d - Finland
}    e - morgue
}
} 4) What are you wearing right now?
}
}    a - shorts, tee-shirt with cute saying on it
}    b - white button down collar shirt, tie
}    c - fatigues
}    d - black tee shirt, Levi's
}    e - saran wrap
}
} 5) Which animal would you most like to be reincarnated as?
}
}    a - loon
}    b - bee
}    c - yeti
}    d - camel
}    e - great white shark
}
} 6) Which of these are you -least- comfortable with in a work
}    situation?
}
}    a - policies against surfing at work
}    b - wishy-washy bosses
}    c - those secret cameras in the rest rooms
}    d - incompetence
}    e - rules
}
} 7) If things don't go your way how do you react?
}
}    a - whine
}    b - add names to your enemies list
}    c - point fingers
}    d - take a break, come back to problem later
}    e - single slug to back of the head
}
} 8) The last time you used the word 'love' what were you
}    discussing?
}
}    a - yourself
}    b - your country
}    c - Big Brother
}    d - tennis
}    e - backwards homophones
}
} 9) If you could read only one newsgroup and were restricted to
}    one of the below, which would you pick?
}
}    a - rec.humor.oracle.d
}    b - talk.politics.misc
}    c - alt.conspiracy
}    d - comp.lang.perl.misc
}    e - alt.tasteless
}
} 10) Who would you like to meet the most?
}
}    a - Lisa
}    b - Putin
}    c - A Grey
}    d - Torvalds
}    e - Manson, Charles or Marilyn, either one. . .
}
} Tally up your answers:
}
} If you mostly answered 'a' then:
}    You have a tenuous grasp on reality, the problem
}    is that you're aware of this and consider it a
}    strength. They have medications for this now a days.
}
} If you mostly answered 'b' then:
}    You like to be in the know and are keenly aware
}    of your surroundings, unfortunately you blend into
}    the surroundings. Go to the video store and rent
}    some films you've never heard of.
}
} If you mostly answered 'c' then:
}    We know where you live. Stop. Await further orders.
}
} If you mostly answered 'd' then:
}    You are logical and very smart, you need to go
}    outside every now and then when the sun is up
}    and/or start drinking lots of milk.
}
} If you mostly answered 'e' then:
}    You are the type of person your mother warned you
}    about, you're lots of fun at a party until the drinks
}    run out, then things can get ugly. Try and find a
}    legal hobby.
}
} You owe the Oracle an air tight alibi and a seal.


1317-01    (16gfi dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle most chatty and ancient,
>
> What is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, that's a tricky one. You see, the Oracle's computer
} is a massively parallel array of sentient beings. That's right,
} you, and your sister, and the cockroach you stepped on
} this morning, and the funny little inhabitants of Antares III
} are nothing more or less than information processors.
} Some of you are big, dumb memory units (that explains
} your roommate) and some of you are quick, agile
} computation units (one of them sits next to you in
} Philosophy). You are all linked together through the
} Oracle's RumorNet transport system, which can actually
} move information at trans-luminal speeds. (If you doubt
} this, start a juicy rumor right now and see how long it
} takes to reach Lhasa, Tibet.)
}
} And what, you may ask, is the Oracle doing with this
} array? It is trying to derive, from first principles, where
} the hell that contact lens will go when it gets dropped
} tomorrow morning.
}
} Oh, and to answer your supplication, the newest download
} is Thomas Callahan, 6 pounds 8 ounces, installed at Lansing
} Michigan at 8:05 this morning. He's an 8Thz computation
} unit and cute as a button.
}
} You owe the Oracle twin processors.


1323-09    (18fpj dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, who is the wisest of all the great things in the world...
>
> Can I have a puppy for my birthday?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, yeah. But to keep from freaking out everybody why not
} just have cake like all the other kids. . .
}
} You owe the Oracle a lobster dinner.


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