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Best of Internet Oracularities #1326-1350

Goto:
1326-1350, 1349-10, 1343-06, 1335-06, 1338-07, 1326-01, 1327-04, 1334-03, 1334-06, 1338-04, 1339-06, 1341-09, 1342-09, 1346-05, 1350-05


Best of Internet Oracularities #1326-1350    (3.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 8 Apr 2004 13:00:00 -0500

Oracularities are the distilled wisdom and sagacity of the Internet
Oracle, as incarnated in its many anonymous e-mail participants.
This collection has been compiled from the regular Oracularities postings
#1326 through #1350 and contains the Oracularities rated by its readers
as among the funniest.

To find out more about the Internet Oracle, send mail to
oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line to receive
the Oracle helpfile.

The regular Oracularities postings can be found in the Usenet newsgroup
rec.humor.oracle.  Open discussion about the Internet Oracle occurs in
the newsgroup rec.humor.oracle.d.  If your site doesn't carry these
newsgroups, contact your news administrator about starting them, or
see the Oracle helpfile about subscribing to the Oracularities e-mail
distribution list.


1349-10    (046kC dist, 4.4 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> OK Orrie, lets play a little Russian Roulette....
>
> /me places a single live bullet into the revolver and spins the wheel.
> /me puts gun to head and pulls the trigger
>
> *..click..*
>
> Your turn!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} *..click..*
}
} *..click..*
}
} *..click..*
}
} *..click..*
}
} Your turn.
}
} You owe The Oracle an brief speech on why it is not a good idea to play
} Roulette with an Oracle.


1343-06    (148wp dist, 4.1 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <drey@speakeasy.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle, whose knowledge of rolls and roles surpasses even Gygax
> himself...
>
> If there were a Role Playing Game devoted to you, what would it be
> like?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Our scene unfolds in a dark chamber, danger weighs heavily on our
} heroes as time runs out...  Actually, the lights are just dimmed in
} Paul's parents' basement, and the only things that are running out are
} the Cheetos and cokes.
}
} Steve:  Paul, Another email is dropped into your mailbox.
}
} Paul:  I read it.
}
} Steve:  (rolls dice) It's another MIME encoded question.  The answer is
} "Zot"
}
} Paul:  I delete it.
}
} Steve:  Another email is dropped into your mailbox.  (Rolls dice) This
} one is a well articulated question, and the answer is both witty and
} insightful.
}
} Paul:  Really?
}
} Steve:  No.  It's another MIME encoded question, the answer is zot.
}
} Paul:  I delete it.
}
} Richard:  I send a question, using my +3 keyboard of humor.
}
} Steve:  (rolls dice) Your question is received by a novice who really
} seems to get off on the totally fictional power trip of anonymously
} telling complete strangers they must grovel to him.  He replies with
} "No grovel. ZOT!!!"
}
} Steve:  Your return question is (rolls dice) an open ended question
} involving a class struggle presented in a refreshing and humorous
} manner.
}
} Richard:  Using my +3 keyboard of humor, and my +1 Woodhouse omnibus, I
} craft parody with Howard Dean as Wooster and his campaign manager as
} Jeeves.
}
} Steve:  (rolls dice) Success.  Your answer is outrageously funny, and
} is sure to reach across broad sections of readers and score 4.6 in the
} digest, if the priest selects it.  (rolls dice)  The question goes to
} Tim.
}
} Tim:  Richard, you misspelled color, neighbor, and humor with extra
} "u"s and reversed the "er"s at the ends of your words.  I also have no
} idea what a lift and a lorry is.  I delete it.


1335-06    (158kl dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: lawrence.4@pop.service.ohio-state.edu

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, omniscient and precognitive,
>
> What disastrous event will ruin this wonderful day?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The supplicant whistled as he locked the door to his house and headed
} to his car.  He had been feeling good all morning, ever since he had
} woken up to see the sun shining, gotten his cup of coffee, and done the
} one thing truly necessary to confirm the start of the new day: sending
} off a cheerful question to the ever humorous Internet Oracle.  What
} could go wrong on a beautiful day like this?
}
} As he stepped over to his car, he noticed that a bird had used his
} windshield as a lavatory.  Several times.  But that was okay: he just
} got out his trusty cleaning rag and spray and rubbed it right off.  And
} since he had left for work two hours earlier than he needed too, there
} was still no rush.
}
} He got in and drove down the street, waving at his smiling neighbors.
} "How can a day get any better than this?" he thought to himself as he
} absent mindedly backed over his mail box, crushing it.  Seeing what he
} had done, he grinned sheepishly and went and chopped off a branch,
} which he then proceeded to carve into a new pole to replace the broken
} out before he continued on his way to the freeway on-ramp.
}
} Not ten seconds later, traffic crawled to a halt.  But the supplicant
} didn't mind, because he was still one and a half hours ahead of
} schedule and he had his favorite tape playing.  Just then, the tape
} deck began to screech and ooze out the melted tape.  He frowned, but it
} was okay, because he could always listen to the radio.
}
} Thirty minutes later, he had moved ten feet forward.  And then his
} radio went out.  That distracted him, but he didn't mind because he
} could spend the time wondering what had happened to the radio.  And he
} still had an hour before he needed to get to work.
}
} Seven minutes later, a falling radio satellite crashed down from the
} sky and crushed his car, causing a huge fire.  Luckily, a courageous
} motorist in a different vehicle pulled him out just in time before his
} car exploded in a massive fireball, and the EMTs that arrived thirty
} minutes later took him off to the hospital to be treated for the third
} degree burns over 90% of his body.  But he didn't mind, mainly because
} he was unconscious.  Even had he been conscious, though, he would still
} not have minded, because he would have been satisfied knowing why his
} radio had suddenly stopped working.
}
} Half an hour later, he woke up in the Emergency Room, during a surgery.
} He began screaming, but he didn't mind too much, because he realized
} that it would have been time for work now, and this would certainly be
} considered an excused absence.
}
} That evening, they even rolled a computer next to his hospital bed so
} that he could check his e-mail from the day.  "How nice of them," he
} thought.  "I was pessimistic to think that a disaster could come and
} ruin such a nice day."  And there in his inbox was the answer to the
} question he had asked that morning.
}
} He smiled gleefully, causing himself only minor discomfort by
} stretching the burnt flesh, as he opened the message.
}
} --msg 1 of 1--
}
} The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
} Your question was:
}
} > O Oracle, omniscient and precognitive,
} >
} > What disastrous event will ruin this wonderful day?
}
} And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
} } hOw shOulD I nO
} } ZZZZZZZZZ-OT!
}
} --end msg 1 of 1--
}
} And then the supplicant broke down in tears, for the answer was
} terrible, and receiving it had ruined his whole day.


1338-07    (04bgl dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle,
>
> What's up with those new mice that have the lasers in them?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Los Angeles, CA (TIO-News) Embattled citizens of Los
} Angeles are in their fifth day of heavy fighting against
} the hordes of laser armed mice that have brought Western
} Civilization to its knees over the last two months.
}
} "It's awful, the damn things are so small and so fast,"
} said Audrey Horne, 22, one of the many now one eyed
} citizens of Los Angeles, "no sooner do you get a bead
} on one of the little peckers and ZAP-ZAP-ZAP ten more
} of them pop out of the woodwork and try and fry your
} eyes right outta yer head with those damn little lasers
} of theirs!"
}
} Los Angelenos knew their city was marked for the next
} onslaught when the now tell-tale signs of a planned
} laser mice attack showed up. "My little Fluffy stumbled
} into the house, all her fur singed off and 'Death to
} the Human Overlords' etched on to her skin," said Leo
} Johnson, age 32. "And then almost over night the city
} was out of cheese. We knew we were next."


1326-01    (11hsg dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <shantipoet@teenagewildlife.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise,
>
> Is it true people use the Internet for other things besides porn?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Absolutely! You can also spread viruses with the internet. Steal books,
} music and videos. And lets not forget the endless supply of "free"
} games out there waiting to be downloaded.
}
} There is a dark side to the internet. Some people put _information_
} on their web sites. No nude chicks or pirated music. Actual useful
} information about cars, the weather, what's on TV tonight, etc.
} I can't tell you how much those freaks creep me out. Stay away from
} them or next thing you know you might find yourself doing unspeakable
} things like studying and research. Imagine what you mom will think when
} she finds out you know WAY too much about 18th century Romanian art.
}
} You owe the Oracle some links to sites about naval warfare in the
} late 1500's. Not for me mind you, its... uh... for a friend.


1327-04    (27aim dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  O great Oracle who designs all these fantastic constants:
>  Please tell me why we have to do pointless AND boring experiments
> in physics to find inaccurate versions of constants that we already
> know?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ohm my god - Avogadro tell you a story Joule really like!
}
} I Nu this fellow Schroedinger who was great at interviewing people - he
} was like an emcee, squared. Anyway, Theta-ther day Schroedinger offered
} to sell me his cat (I guess he didn't Quantum). So, um, the Moment,um,
} I first see this cat he Volts! And now every time I come home he
} Boltz,mann! He gets Tensor and Tensor.. like his former owner was
} torturing him on Dirac!
}
} I wanted to Force Schroedinger to explain, but the Current issue was my
} cat's Resistance to be around me. Then one day after Mass, I turned on
} the Vacuum, and the Volume surprised him so much that when I turned it
} off, he acted as gentle as a Lambdoes. So now I take him to the
} Circuits seven times a week - that's a Faraday!
}
} Anyway, I went to c Schroedinger. "Did you Hertz that cat? Phi on you!"
} I said.
}
} But he exploded: "Watt!??! Such Impedance! That Torr it - you used to
} have Potential, but if you don't speak with Gravity, the end of your
} career is Lumen!"
}
} Well, it was all I could do to Coulomb down, but I don't want to Bohr
} you with the details. Planck's for a great question!
}
} You owe the Orace a joke that ends: "Vector? I barely know her!"


1334-03    (01hjf dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle,
>
> Is there actually an image file format that can compress a picture so
> that it is no larger than a file containing 1,000 words, and if so,
> is this a 1,000 words of plaintext or of formatted text?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}     While a good picture is worth a thousand words, the reverse is
}     hardly ever true: There are very few sets of one thousand words
}     which can be adequately expressed by a single picture.
}
} Fortunately, there is a compression algorithm which can reduce any
} image file to an arbitrarily-short data string. Allow me to illustrate
} the Oracular Compression Algorithm for you.
}
} I have here a large diagram explaining the algorithm in full. As you
} can see (if you are as omniscient as I), this is a complex document,
} incorporating full 96-bit RGB color, an alpha channel, many 3-D
} sections, several dozen QuickTime movies (including an amusing out-take
} clip never before seen from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, in
} which three Oompa Loompas apply a compression algorithm to Veruca Salt,
} without much success), no fewer than three score interactive Flash
} insets, and one scratch-and-sniff spot, all in an effort to explain
} this (admittedly complex) algorithm. Truly, this is a wonderful
} document, no less wonderful for its file size somewhat exceeding 500
} exabytes. Ahem.
}
} Now, in a Hofstadterian interval, please allow me to apply this amazing
} algorithm to compress its own diagram file. Forgive me, for I haven't
} yet coded the algorithm into a computer. Of course, no worthwhile
} algorithm requires a computer, for one such as I. So I'll just manually
} apply the algorithm to the data file. This will take a moment; don't go
} away.
}
}    Let's see here. Implode 781 petabytes. Carry the 23... Now
}     gzip -99. Bababadalgharaghtakamminarronnkonnbronntonner-
}       ronntuonnthunntrovarrhounawnskawntoohoohoordenenthur-
}        nuk! I dropped my slide rule, bother. Still keeping
}        one principal object in view... The Shannon number
}         remains duly invariant. Re-expand these thirteen
}          megabytes. Oh, look who thinks he's Clever Dan.
}           Drop this NUL byte. Convert ASCII to UTF-32.
}             Dissociate the compression table from the
}              data. Recursively traverse the tree of
}              redundancies of this section. Now move
}               nine bytes to the northeast, fifteen
}                millimeters. Drop twenty redundant
}                 bits here. When operating System
}                  A, depress the green lever and
}                   a plastic dalkron eliminator
}                     will shortly be dispensed
}                     through the slot located
}                      immediately underneath.
}                       Simply downgrade the
}                        datastream through
}                         the infundibulum.
}                          Justly balance
}                           the megabyte
}                            reductions.
}                             Oh mygod,
}                              it'sfu
}                               llofs
}                                tar
}                                 s
}
} And there you have it! Your compressed document is as follows:
}
}                            078-05-1120
}
} You owe the Oracle the decompression algorithm.


1334-06    (187hj dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@adelphia.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The Oracle hit the "Send" button and leaned back. He poured himself
> some red wine and let the questions of the past few hours pass before
> his inner eye.
> They had been good questions - some of them had taken a long time to
> answer, but he liked it when they were challenging.
> Like the one with Commander Gies from Tribe 2. That question had taken
> nearly one hour to answer. Partly because he didn't know heck about
> Tribe 2 and partly because of the washing he'd hung up while developing
> an answer. Had cost im a dollar in fees, but it was worth it.
> Or the one with the evil secret societies spying on the supplicant.
> He'd been amazed at just *how many* of them had set their eyes on the
> poor fellow.
> It was getting dark outside. Petty, really, the Oracle thought. It had
> been a beautiful late summer day but he had spent it inside, blinds
> closed, doing ask me's.
> Ah well, the Oracle thought. Perhaps he'd get digested this time. If
> that happened - well it was definitely worth all those sunny afternoons
> he'd spent indoors writing answers. And if not in 1334 than perhaps in
> 1335. The Oracle was patient.
> But one thing remained to do. At last a question to ask himself: what
> should he have for dinner?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It was then that the Oracle noticed that Lisa was nowhere to be seen.
} "Lisa?" he called out.  "Where's dinner?"  He paused.
}
} There was no reply.
}
} He shrugged and began to search around and was surprised to find that a
} layer of dust had settled upon the temple.  That lousy Zadoc, the
} Oracle thought, He knows that keeping this place clean is his duty.
} Indeed, the Oracle noticed, even the floor, usually polished to a
} healthy glow by Zadoc's knees had taken on a scoop of the unsanitary
} dust.  He began to quiver: was it possible that something had happened
} to all of the standard injokes?  "Og?  Thag?  The SPCA?  Tim Chew?" he
} called out in rapid sequence, each time getting only his own echoing
} voice throughout the cavernous chamber as an answer.
}
} He flew back to his terminal and began sifting through his sent mail.
} A quick egrep confirmed it: there wasn't a single reference to an
} injoke in the entire day's batch!  He frowned, wished for anything to
} end this, even a woodchuck question that he could ZOT away.  And then
} he stopped cold: for the Staff of Zot was gone too.
}
} Warily he turned around, and scanned the walls.  But this wasn't his
} temple at all: it was much too small, and all of the walls were padded.
} How could this be?  Where was his temple?  Where was Lisa?  Where was
} his Staff?  And most importantly, where was his dinner?
}
} ---
} Meanwhile, some distance away, watching on a closed circuit television
} set:
}
} Lisa frowned sadly.  "That poor man," she said.  "He's still reliving
} it, isn't he?"  Next to her, Dr. Ribol nodded.  He put his hand on her
} shoulder comfortingly.
}
} "Yes," he told her.  "And it's possible he always will: he was lucky to
} survive that blast that took out the ethernet connection in his temple,
} but he can't face that everything else was destroyed.  Look at him,
} playing with his mashed potatoes as if they were a keyboard, staring
} intently at his jello as if reading... He doesn't even realize that it
} is all over."


1338-04    (15ahj dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and supreme Oracle, whose knowledge of l33+sp33k exceeds that
> of every lam3r in the known and unknown universe, please answer this
> humble supplicant's question.
>
> With digest #1337 coming soon, how many l33t jokes will we be liable to
> see in the oracularities selected?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} DUDE! Look, this is the working rough of 1337! I hacked
} into the Oracle data-base & ripped it! DUDE! ENJOY!
}
} } ------------------------------
} } Date: Fri, 10 Oct 03 17:19:32 -0500
} } From: Internet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
} } Subject: Internet Oracularity #1337-01
} }
} } Selected-By: "Perl Kelly" <hash@mindsprang.com>
} }
} } The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
} } Your question was:
} }
} } > DUDE!
} } >
} } > I g0T R00t!!
} }
} } And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} }
} } } Like I carrot.
} }
} } ------------------------------
} } Date: Fri, 10 Oct 03 17:19:33 -0500
} } From: Internet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
} } Subject: Internet Oracularity #1337-02
} }
} } Selected-By: EOF <eof@127.0.0.1>
} }
} } The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
} } Your question was:
} }
} } > I 60t y3R p355w0rD! Byt3 M3!
} }
} } And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} }
} } } That's where it is! I've had to play Monopoly all
} } } week. Thanks for locating it.
} } }
} } } You owe the Oracle a nasty overbyte.
} }
} } ------------------------------
} } Date: Fri, 13 Jan 02 17:19:34 -0500
} } From: Internet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
} } Subject: Internet Oracularity #1337-03
} }
} } Selected-By: "Chewed Hair" <antibarber@messyhead.net>
} }
} } The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
} } Your question was:
} }
} } > W153 0r4c13, U r0CK!
} } > D0 U H4t3 C4Mp3rz 2?
} }
} } And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} }
} } } I never even saw the first "Campers", I'm not
} } } really into current films much.
} } }
} } } You owe the Oracle an advance copy of Half-Life 2.
} }
} } ------------------------------
} } Date: Fri, 10 Oct 03 17:19:34 -0500
} } From: Internet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
} } Subject: Internet Oracularity #1337-04
} }
} } Selected-By: AX0R <ax0r@ax0r.org>
} }
} } > Oh, you need more disk space? User name?
} } > <clickety-click>
} }
} } And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} }
} } } All your cliches belong to us.
} }
} } ------------------------------
} } Date: Fri, 10 Oct 03 17:19:35 -0500
} } From: Internet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
} } Subject: Internet Oracularity #1337-05
} }
} } Selected-By: "PR315T" <pr315t_432@aol.com
} }
} } The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
} } Your question was:
} }
} } > H0W muCh w00D c0u1D a L33t H4X0R. . .
} }
} } And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} }
} } } Last thing anyone that calls themselves a H4X0R
} } } has to worry about is their wood getting out of
} } } hand... if you know what I mean.
} }
} } ------------------------------
} } Date: Fri, 10 Oct 03 17:19:36 -0500
} } From: Internet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
} } Subject: Internet Oracularity #1337-06
} }
} } Selected-By: N0l4n <n014n@home.net>
} }
} } The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
} } Your question was:
} }
} } > /dev/null
} }
} } And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} }
} } } And another bit bytes the bus . . .
} }
} } ------------------------------
} } Date: Fri, 10 Oct 03 17:19:37 -0500
} } From: Internet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
} } Subject: Internet Oracularity #1337-07
} }
} } de-selected-by: 404 <ERROR>
} }
} } The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
} } Your question was:
} }
} } > Wh3r3 c4N 1 F1ND Pr0N?
} }
} } And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} }
} } } 127.0.0.1
} }
} } ------------------------------
} } Date: Fri, 10 Oct 03 17:19:38 -0500
} } From: Internet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
} } Subject: Internet Oracularity #1337-08
} }
} } Selected-By: "AOL_BABE" <AOL_BABE_1372@aol.com>
} }
} } The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
} } Your question was:
} }
} } > So this hacker walks into a bar. . .
} }
} } And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} }
} } } 4ND s3Z "I OWNZ U!"
} }
} } ------------------------------
} } Date: Fri, 10 Oct 03 17:19:48 -0500
} } From: Internet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
} } Subject: Internet Oracularity #1337-09
} }
} } Selected-By: "AOL_BABE" <AOL_BABE_1372@aol.com>
} }
} } The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
} } Your question was:
} }
} } > Hey, look at this cool screen saver in this
} } > attachment!
} }
} } And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} }
} } } NO CARRIER. . .


1339-06    (03bna dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where can I get a new mast for my boat,
> without getting shafted?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ho, ho.
}
} The Oracle, like everyone else, gets "those" emails.
}
} Subject: GET A HUG3 MA$T FA$T!!!!
} Subject: Want a Schooner that'll make her a swooner
}          sooner?
} Subject: A VAST MAST "MATIES" AWAIT U!!!
} Subject: Discreet Riggings, Vertical Spars R US
} Subject: FRIGATE PHOTOS! GIB JOB PICS! 838jjd2j
} Subject: Wanta Mast You Can hang a Crow's NEst
}          ON? --click here-
} Subject: Walk ME PLANK Northerner! A Mast for
}          a Yank!
} Subect: Yar hAR! You'll POP a Vessel, OAR YER
}         $$ BACK! Huge MAST GUARENTTED!
}
} Pirate Porn, it's everywhere. . .
}
} You owe the Oracle some dessert and an isle.


1341-09    (248pi dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, who has never had a bomb in his life, please tell me...
>
> I am trying to find the worst movie review from the last 12 months.
> The worst and harshest I've found so far is for "Gigli".  It was even
> worse than "Stealing Harvard".  Is "Gigli" really the bottom of the
> barrel, or is there something even worse out there?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Zadoc here. The Master's busy, so I'm answering a few questions for
} him. Actually, I've never heard of this "Gigli" thing. Is it really
} that bad? I'd better check. Back in a few hours.
}
} * * *
}
} Hi, Lisa here. Zadoc's in his room gibbering. Must have been that film
} he was watching. You wanted to know about really bad film reviews? Hold
} on, this will take some research. Later.
}
} * * *
}
} Hey, dude, Kendai here. Lisa's locked herself in her room and won't
} come out till the big O gets back. She's moaning about some trash piece
} of film. I guess that means I've got to answer this question. Biggest
} bomb of the year? I think I'll take a look at that film, see if it's as
} bad as Lisa and Z-boy make out.
}
} * * *
}
} Og here. Ken-dai in bath-room, Ken-dai no come out. Ken-dai say,
} Ken-dai watch real bad mov-ing pict-ure. Og not know why pict-ure so
} bad. Og go see.
}
} * * *
}
} Hello, Orrie here. I don't know what you've done to my in-jokes, but
} Zadoc's whimpering like a dog, Lisa's won't come out of the shower,
} Kendai's positively ill, and Og's hunting down Ben Affleck with a spiky
} club. I can't say if there's a worse film than Gigli, but you've made
} me afraid to look.
}
} You owe Zadoc, Lisa, Kendai and Og extensive therapy.


1342-09    (17cim dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> First, foremost and most wired of all the world's Oracles,
>
> Is it true that the incompleteness theorem actually implies that no
> single Oracle can possess all the knowledge of the world?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, let's take a look at my Goedel sentence, shall we?
}
}     The Internet Oracle cannot prove this statement.
}
} Quite right.  I can't prove it (actually, I can, but I'll get to that
} later).  But, since when did supplicants demand proof?  I'm omniscient,
} so they trust my word on whatever I say.  Being able to prove one's
} information is not essential for omniscience.
}
} For example:
}
} > The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
} > Your question was:
} >
} > > Oh supposedly-omniscient Oracle,
} > >
} > > Can the Internet Oracle prove this sentence?
} >
} > And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} >
} > } You idiot!  Questions can't be proven!
} > }
} > } You owe the Oracle the wrong answer to this sentence.
}
} "But," you cry, "you don't know _how_ to prove your Goedel sentence,
} meaning that you are not omniscient!"
}
} Silly supplicant, of course I know how to prove it.  I just give it to
} Kurt Goedel, reducing it to a previously solved problem.  [pause for
} laughter]  Okay, the real answer lies in the fact that my intellectual
} nature is atemporally dynamic, rendering me smarter than myself and
} perfectly capable of proving my own Goedel sentence and leaving it
} true at the same time.
}
} "How can you be smarter than yourself?" you ask.
}
} Just watch:
}
} > The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
} > Your question was:
} >
} > > First, foremost and most wired of all the world's Oracles,
} > >
} > > Is it true that the incompleteness theorem actually implies that
} > > no single Oracle can possess all the knowledge of the world?
} >
} > And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} >
} > } Well, let's take a look at my Goedel sentence, shall we?
} > }
} > }    The Internet Oracle cannot prove this statement.
} > }
} > } Quite right.  I can't prove it.  But, since when did supplicants
} > } demand proof?  I'm omniscient, so they trust my word on it.  Being
} > } able to prove one's information is not essential for omniscience.
} > } For example:
} > }
} > } > The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
} > } > Your question was:
} > } >
} > } > > Oh supposedly-omniscient Oracle,
} > } > >
} > } > > Can the Internet Oracle prove this sentence?
} > } >
} > } > And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} > } >
} > } > } You idiot!  Questions can't be proven!
} > } > }
} > } > } You owe the Oracle the wrong answer to this sentence.
} > }
} > } "But," you cry, "you don't know _how_ to prove your Goedel
} > } sentence, meaning that you are not omniscient!"
} > }
} > } Silly supplicant, of course I know how to prove it.  I just give
} > } it to Kurt Goedel, reducing it to a previously solved problem.
} > } [pause for laughter]  Okay, the real answer lies in the fact that
} > } my intellectual nature is atemporally dynamic, rendering me smarter
} > } than myself and perfectly capable of proving my own Goedel sentence
} > } and leaving it true at the same time.
} > }
} > } "How can you be smarter than yourself?" you ask.
} > }
} > } Unfortunately, I can't give you the example I wanted to put here
} > } because it would lead to an infinite recursion because I'm only
} > } answering your question hypothetically.  But, since you are only
} > } hypothetical also, it doesn't really matter what I tell you.
} > }
} > } You owe the Oracle a way out of this meaningless hypothetical
} > } existence.
}
} You see?  Isn't this answer much better than that one?  Also note
} that I'm able to tell when I'm being used as part of a hypothetical
} statement.  Isn't omniscience great?
}
} You owe the Oracle your Goedel number.


1346-05    (368nn dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dearest Oracle, whose vast omniscience no man could ever dream of
> fathoming, I have had troubling dreams of late.  Not long ago, my wife
> prepared ham for supper, and right on the package it stated that the
> ham had been "cured."  What the hell did the ham *have*, and can I be
> sure that there were no remnants in the meat I was served?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Stage Fright.
}
} Pigs are deathly afraid of being the center of attention,
} such as sitting in the middle of a table, nude, with an
} apple in their mouth. But once a swine is 'cured' of this
} it rather likes, even demands, being noticed -- it is
} then that it becomes a ham.
}
} You owe the Oracle some bacon bit parts.


1350-05    (04gbl dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh greatest of Oracles, that which maketh my shiny new toaster look
> dull by comparison...
>
> What is that fluff that persistantly gathers in the bottom corner of
> my wardrobe?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Moths that died laughing.


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