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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, > > What are my chances of winning a gazillion dollars and never > having to work again?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Depends on how you go about doing it. } } Method: Buy a lottery ticket } Chances: 1 in 146,107,962 } } Method: Start with 10 gazillion dollars and invest in Pets.com } Chances: About 2% } } Method: Head to Vegas.  13 Red, baby! } Chances: You might think 1 in 36 or 1 in 37, but you'd be wrong.  13 is } black. } } Method: Goof off at work sending questions to the Oracle } Chances: 0.00000000000003% } } Method: Work for Halliburton during the Iraq reconstruction } Chances: About 98% } } Method: Get a government post and accept "favors" from Halliburton } Chances: Entirely by coincidence, 98% } } Method: Collect aluminum cans for recycling } Chances: 100%, if you can collect 50 cans a day for 0.02 gazillion days } } Method: Help that Nigerian businessman with his SUM OF TEN GAZILLION US } DOLLARS. FOR YOUR KINDNESS WE RESERVE 10% FOR YOU. } Chances: WE HOPE TO HEAR FROM YOU.  THANK YOU AND GOD BLESS. } } Method: Bet against the Boston Red Sox } Chances: 83 out of 84 } } Method: Ask the Oracle for tomorrow's lottery numbers } Chances: 100%.  In fact, here they are.  5, 8, 17, 23, 42. } } Enjoy!  Oh, you owe the Oracle one gazillion dollars.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> 2.718281828459045 ^ (sqrt(-1)*pi) - 2.718281828459045 ^ > (sqrt(0-(2.718281828459045^2))*pi)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's all the mechanic had to hear. } } "Yep, that's one stuffed R-2 unit.  Stuck in diagnostic mode, I } spose.", he drawled. } } Luke needed to get this droid fixed, and fast. } } "What's it going to take to get him working again?" } } "Well, you're gonna need a new alternator, serpentine belt, light-saber } launching spring, retractable light-saber launch cover, speech unit..." } } "Speech unit?!", Luke interrupted. } } "Sure.  How else you gonna understand him?  When the speech module } fries out, all they do is beep and whistle.  Sound like an old PS/2 } with a bad fan bearing and non-parity SIMMs." } } "You mean they don't normally sound like that?" } } The old mechanic looked at him quizzically.  "Heck no.  This little guy } would be completely worthless without a speech unit.  Nothing more than } a hard drive on wheels if ya ask me." } } All these years, thought Luke.  All these years I wondered why anyone } would make a droid without a speech unit. } } "So ya want me to fix him or what?", the old man was obviously growing } impatient. } } "Yeah, whatever he needs.", Luke hesitated.  He was still reeling from } this last bit of information. } } "Ya want me to re-fuel his boosters then too?" } } "Boosters?!" Luke exclaimed. } } "Yeah, his booster rockets.  LOX tanks are bone dry." } } Luke was shocked, "You're saying these things can FLY?!" } } "Yup.  Not much sense having an R-2 unit that can't fly.  Nothin' but a } talking hard drive on wheels if ya ask me." } } "Now you're just pulling my chain", Luke said.  "Next you're going to } tell me he's got a holographic 3-D display module and can fire a blaster } out his ass." } } "Blaster is only standard on the LS model." } } You owe the Oracle a copy of "Dune" on DVD.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Omiscient Oracle, who manages to avoid tricky situations rather than > getting out of them, could you please help me on a really urgent and > most important matter? > > In about 15 minutes, my girlfriend will arrive here at my place. > I had promised to cook her a fancy dinner, but I've been reading > Oracularities digests all afternoon and forgot all about diner. > Now it's too late to run to the supermarket, and I'll have to make > do with what's left over in my kitchen: > > - 3 slices of bread (wholemeal) > - some peanut butter > - a can of kidney beans > - a carton of orange juice > - 5 potatoes, 2 of which have funny purple tentacles protruding from >   them > - a tin of SPAM > - several bottles of beer > - a bag of crisps (cheese & onion) > > Having a pizza delivered is out of the question.  Can you please > give me a recipe for a nice, romantic diner to be prepared within > 15 minutes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} How could you forget about Diner?  That was a great show. } } But never mind that, now.  First, make sure that the beer is chilled. } If this dinner turns out to be a disaster, you're going to need it. } } Slice the bread into small triangles and put a dollop of peanut butter } on each.  Open the can of kidney beans and place two beans in the } center of each triangle.  Tell her that they're some kind of fancy } French hors d'oeuvres.  Don't worry about the taste.  The French don't. } It's all about presentation. } } Slice the three good potatoes into thin circles.  Cube the Spam. } Mix with the rest of the kidney beans and arrange in a microwave-safe } casserole.  Crush the crisps over the top.  Microwave on HIGH until } potatoes are tender, or until it starts to smell bad, or smoke, or } give any other indication that the evening is beyond hope, which it } almost certainly is. } } Garnish with the purple tentacles.  I can't believe I just told you } to do that. } } For drinks:  Go to the kitchen, blow up a paper bag, and make it POP } really loud.  Then mix orange juice and beer.  With a bit of luck, } she'll think it's a mimosa. } } Good luck, but don't get your hopes up.  You are, after all, still } wearing the clothes that you slept in. } } You owe the Oracle a nice din--  Uh, never mind.  This one's on me.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's more important: length or width/diameter???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As you've been told countless times: it's not the size that matters, } but how you use it.  The most important thing is that it fits your } technique, your speed and your confidence. } } That being said, of course a minimum length is essential.  Too short, } and you'd only be laughed at.  But too long isn't very practical, so } somewhere in between is just fine.  I must say I've hardly ever seen } them too long or too short, so don't worry about that. } } A more important factor is the stiffness.  It shouldn't be too soft.  If } you hold it upright and the other end just drops back down, it won't } work.  Too stiff is not good either, though.  A certain springiness is } required for optimal performance. } } To end with, some general remarks: } - Ask a couple of friends if you can hold theirs, and feel how you like }   them. } - Don't put the bar too high to begin with.  Better start with lower }   expectations, and see where you get from there. } - There's only so many times you can do it on a day before you start to }   hurt. } } Keep these recommendations in mind, and you'll be a great pole-vaulter. } } You owe the Oracle a nice, long, thick, hard one.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Excuse me, are you there?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Her voice was like an angel's.  And I could tell she was a looker just } from the shape of her shadow on the frosted glass of my office door. } That's my name on the door:  Orrie Cull.  I find the answers to } people's questions.  Sometimes what I do isn't pretty, but I do it } well. } } "Yeah, doll, come in." } } She opened the door and came in.  Like anyone in my business, I give } her a good once-over.  She had a figure that wouldn't quit, just like } my eyes wouldn't quit looking her over. } } "Oh, I'm so glad to find you in, Mr. Cull." } } "I'm glad you found me, too, Miss . . . ?" } } "Cant.  Miss Supp Leigh Cant." } } "Well, Miss Cant, what can I do for you?" } } "I've heard a lot about you, Mr. Cull.  They say you know all the } answers." } } Then she hesitated and looked around my office.  A lot of my clients } have to work up to telling me what they need.  I handle some delicate } business and it's not always easy to tell it to a stranger.  Some } almost grovel before they work up the courage, but I could tell she } wouldn't be one of those. } } She was distracted by what she saw.  I'd acquired some pretty odd } items in my years in this profession.  They were scattered around my } office like pepper on a baked potato.  They'd even make you sneeze } like pepper if you disturbed them because most were covered in a nice } layer of dust, like newspaper on a sleeping hobo.  She suddenly } remembered herself and looked back at me. } } "I have a rather delicate situation.  Are we alone?" } } "Yes, Miss Cant, we are.  I always work alone.  My only partner is } named Smith & Wesson and half the time we're both loaded." } } Some people say I'm too forthright with my clients.  I say I just tell } it like it is and how they react is their problem. } } "I see.  Well, I have a very . . . special question I need the answer } to." } } She sat on my desk and leaned across. } } "You see, I need to know . . . ." } } "Yes?" } } "How much woodcouldawoodchuckchuckifawoodchuckcouldchuckwood?" } } Bam!  She got me.  I'd left myself wide open like a door on a tenement } house on a hot summer day.  I fell out of my chair on to a floor that } was cold like a morgue.  I figured it wouldn't be long now until they'd } cart me off to one. } } She peered over the desk at me to make sure she'd gotten the job done. } There was no question that she had. } } "Sorry, Orrie, it's nothing personal, just a job." } } She turned and started to walk out.  I tried to ask her who hired her, } but trying to talk felt like trying to breathe in a sandstorm.  Then, } just as she got to the door she stopped. } } "Oh, the rodents of unusual size say 'hi.'" } } Then she walked out.  I'd made a lot of enemies over the years, but } most of them knew better than to try anything with me.  I should have } known it was that gang that had hired her. } } You owe the Oracle an explanation of why they call it "black and } white" when it's really all shades of grey.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Merry Oracle, who can have a holly, jolly Christmas without pricking > himself on the pointy leaves, I've figured out your secret. > >                                     Santa      Internet >                                     Claus       Oracle > --------------------------------    -----      -------- >                         Immortal     Yes         Yes >  Knows who's been naughty & nice     Yes         Yes > Shakes like a bowl full of jelly     Yes     Undetermined >                Long, white beard     Yes       Probably >           Keeps exotic livestock   Reindeer    Unproven >       Has many dedicated helpers    Elves      Priests > > So admit it.  You're really Santa, aren't you?  This Oracle business > is just something you do to occupy yourself in the off-season, isn't > it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Before you get carried away, consider the following comparison } chart: } }                                     Santa        Bill }                                     Claus       Gates } --------------------------------    -----      -------- }                         Immortal     Yes         Yes[1] }  Knows who's been naughty & nice     Yes         Yes[2] } Shakes like a bowl full of jelly     Yes       Cream pie }                Long, white beard   False[3]       No }           Keeps exotic livestock   Reindeer    Unproven }       Has many dedicated helpers    Elves      Employees }             Mail goes unanswered     Yes         Yes }    Runs a worldwide organisation     Yes         Yes } Gets user requests, but delivers }        something else altogether     Yes         Yes }    Distributes gifts to the poor     Yes         Yes[4] }        Has an effective monopoly     Yes         Yes }            Annual licensing fees   Cookies       Cash } } Notes: } [1] Ever since that pact with.. oh, wait, I'm not allowed to } talk about that. Sorry. Just take my word for it. } [2] Everyone who runs Microsoft software and has an internet } connection, anyway. "No personally identifying information", } hah, there's a good one. } [3] Sorry, but yes, Santa's beard is a false one. Didn't you } know that the most common method for disguise for men is a } beard? Did you really think that such a long beard would be } natural? Off with the glasses, on with the contacts and the } huge beard, and you look completely different. } [4] Yes, really - the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation is in } fact the world's largest charitable organisation, and among } (many) other things currently funds 90% of the world's budget } for the eradication of polio. } } And a final clue: }   - Many houses these days no longer have chimneys for Santa }     to come down. }   - Therefore, he needs an alternate method of entry. }   - The easiest entry points to most houses are the windows. }   - Windows is well known for being insecure, allowing easy }     access by outsiders. } } How much more proof do you need?

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most wise, true keeper of all knowledge of the flame: > > If matches were made in heaven, where do lighters come from?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O supplicant most deluded, I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but both } matches and lighters actually evolved over millions of years. They } developed their present desirable characteristic of catching on fire } through a process known as natural selection. } } The distant ancestor of the common domesticated match is widely } believed by scientists to have been a featureless length of wood } without the incendiary tip with which we are so familiar today. These } match-primates were extremely vulnerable to predators, particularly } small furry ones, which would approach stealthily and then proceed to } chuck them. } } Over the millenia the matches developed the incendiary tip which became } their primary means of defense. When a marmot came along and mistook } the match for an ordinary length of wood, and picked it up with the } intent of chucking it, the match would combust. The unsuspecting } w**dch**ck would be incinerated in the blaze, which I am sure you will } agree is the desired outcome. } } The rumour that divine beings were somehow guiding this process of } natural selection is categorically false. I had nothing to do with } this. Honest.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, you are so awesome, that you make my feet hurt! > > Why do people have to die?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The simple biological reason is that evolution is really good at having } 'optimized' a human being (any creature, actually) to survive long } enough to reproduce and raise their children.  Since human children } need 8-15 years of care to have (at least a reasonable) chance of } survival on their own, and given that every human couple needs to have } '2' children to keep the numbers constant and that the children needs } to have a couple of years between them, a good lifespan target for a } human is in the range of 30-40 years.  However, from an evolutionary } standpoint the optimization stops there and humans above the age of 40 } (or so) just get in the way.  Eventually one of the critical parts } (heart, lungs, disease control, etc) that got the human to an age of } 40 just 'wears out' and death occurs. } } However, I think you are looking for an answer more like: } --- } First Supplicant: "Oracle, you are so awesome, that you make my feet } hurt.  Why do people have to die?" } } Oracle: "Great idea.  From now on, humans live forever.  NEXT!!!" } } First Supplicant: [Bows and exits stage left] } } Next Supplicant:  [Enters from stage left]  "Oh great and wonderful } Oracle, How much wood would a woodchuck..." } } Oracle: "You miserable, insolent cur.  TAKE THAT!!!" <<ZOT> [A bolt } of highly charged plasma arcs towards the supplicant and strikes him } on the chest]. } } Next Supplicant: [Cringes, expecting the worst, but nothing happens. } Slowly he straightens his back, brushes some dust off his jacket, } and continues].  "er, chuck if a woodchuck..." } } Oracle:  "What in tarnation?" <<ZOT>> <<ZOT>> <<ZOT>> <<ZZZOOOOTTTT>> } } Next Supplicant: [cringes yet again, but nothing happens]. "could } chuck" } } Oracle: "I take it back.  Humans don't live forever." } <<ZZZZZOOOOOOOOTTTT>> } } Next Supplicant: [doesn't exist any more; has been replaced with a } loose pile of dust and a whiff of smoke]. } } Oracle:  "I feel better already...  NEXT!!!" } --- } So you see, death exists so that stupidity can be adequately } rewarded...

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most tantalizing and terrorizing, please answer my question, > > Is the shrinking class a concern?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That depends, of course, on what do they expect you to shrink. } If it's just trivial stuff like shirts, human cranea, or your } partner's motivation, it shouldn't be a problem. The average } topics in these classes are telegrams (yes, there still are } prople that use them), baggage for your vacation or visits } to the inlaws. These are still no reason to quit, but you } will have to invest more effort, and make sure you get a } good night's sleep before the finals. If it's the major } league stuff we're talking about here - such as taxes, } September 1993, or that belly you got after your last } vacation - , well, to put it mildly, it's gonna take } all the caffeine you can get your claws on, but for } this effort, you will be rewarded with a very rare } skill. In any case, it is to be expected that you } will have to hand in some sort of practical home } assignment by the end of the term, where you'll } be asked to demonstrate all the techniques you } learned during the course, or some of them to } your choice. A very common theme, frequently } showing up in tests as well, is applying an } existing shrinking algorithm in a creative } way. For instance, using the "chop pieces } off one end" method, normally applied to } vegetables and such, to reduce the size } of your interlocutor's units of spoken } or written text progressively; If the } other party doesn't realize what you } are doing, you can expect to obtain } bonus points. This stunt is hardly } ever achieved, of course, since a } sequence of shrinking text lines } would most definitely be caught } by the intended target, before } you have managed to obtain as } impressive a result as to be } eligible for the bonus. Oh, } also, the target could end } up resorting to bizarrely } violent means to inflict } severe pain on you as a } revenge. Therefore, it } would be wise on your } side not to seek the } aforementioned task } and settle for the } more conventional } reduction styles } the sorts of... } What in heck's } name is going } on here? Are } you...? Oh, } no. A very } bad idea. } Hold on, } gimme a } sec... } *ZOT* } } Phew, in the nick of time! I feel a lot better. You owe } the Oracle a camel that can pass through the hole of a } needle and a method to reduce the country's woodchuck } population in the world as close to zero as possible } within 3 months. You also... huh?? NOT AGAIN! *ZOT*

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, most... good, > > Please tell me, how do I... make more good... my... word knowing?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually ascertaining an algorithm to allow beings better boasting and } besting of their brethren in cant can cause casual conundrum crackers } costly cerebral calamities. Delighting in delectable diction does } wonders. Dictionaries, though dull, I daren't debar. Excluding } elaborate eloquence in expression would flaunt fretful forgetfulness } of my forefather's findings. Fighting to find friends who flee from } flatulence could greatly grow your gray matter. Have heed to hold off } haughty head horseplay, as I identify increased jeopardy of jealousy } justly jumping among unknowing knaves with knives. Knightly morality } might be missed if no one notices neglect of never organizing } oratorical ostentatiousness. While petty petitions to please plug } pompous pie-holes quit queuing up, quite a few quick readers write to } ream reliable resources of rankling. So in short, stop stepping with } saps who speak in sorry syllables, as that sums to a short-change of } your speech. Tenaciously tell torrid tales of tyrannical upset and } unusual undertakings by very vindictive virile vixens of worriful woe } winging it with wonton wealth. Were these winning words to wangle your } want? Don't wage war if this X doesn't mark the spot. Go out and smell } the xanthein in the xyst, avoiding xanthein, and striving for good } xenodochy. Yea, your yearning for verbal yardage should yaw in the } years, but now you enjoy the yedding in your youth as of yesteryear. } Remember that zoetic zeal zaps zest to the zenith. } } Or, at the very least, you could have a chat with Og to make you feel } better about yourself. } } You owe the Oracle handwritten copies of an unabridged dictionary and } thesaurus. In crayon.