Goto:

1401-1425, 1405-05, 1410-09, 1406-07, 1414-08, 1415-05, 1416-01, 1401-10, 1407-09, 1408-03, 1410-01, 1410-05, 1411-10, 1418-09, 1424-03

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, so wise and all-knowing, whose knowledge and > wisdom are known throughout the land, I come before thee with a > question that has plagued me for a time, and half a time again. > What is the secret to understanding women?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lack of understanding between men and women is a common problem. } Luckily for you, The Oracle has come along to explain it all. } } Men are simple beasts, they like food, sex, and shiny toys. } When they want something, they'll ask for it, usually in a short } sentence of simple words, for example } "I'm hungry" means they're hungry. } "I'm horny" means they want sex. } "I want to play (some computer game)" means they want to play with } their shiny toys. } } Women are also simple beasts, they like food, sex, and shiny toys. } When they want something, they will drop subtle hints, sometimes } verbal code, sometimes using body-language cues, sometimes via mental } telepathy. For example } "Isn't is getting dark early these days" means I'm hungry, let's eat } "Isn't it getting dark early these days" means I'm horny, let's go to } bed early tonight } "Isn't it getting dark early these days" means it's a long time since } you bought me a shiny toy } } Men, simple beasts that they are, take all 3 of the above as a comment } on the advancing season, or an invitation to discuss the astronomical } basis for variation in day length. } } Meanwhile women, accustomed as they are to speaking in code, assume } men do the same. } } So, his "I'm hungry" gets interpreted by her as "your ass looks very } fat today" or "I'd like to have sex with that woman over there" or even } "my hovercraft is full of eels". Strangely, the more innocent, direct } and obvious a comment, the more likely it is to be interpreted as some } subtle insult. She takes offence, he notices and asks "what's wrong?" } to which she replies "nothing". There ensues an escalating exchange } during which she continues to deny anything is wrong while getting more } and more angry at him for failing to apologise for the 'insult'. } Meanwhile, he knows she is angry, and gets more and more frustrated at } her refusal to tell him why. } } And so it continues, generation after generation. } Men still aren't mind-readers, and women are still mad at them for it. } 'Twas ever thus, and ever shall it be. } } You owe The Oracle a female-to-English dictionary.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Silence. The supplicant looked about in bewilderment. The Temple was } usually filled with activity, but its halls were now dark and empty. No } priests, no other supplicants, none of the Oracle's usual hangers-on. } The supplicant nervously peered around the door to the throne room, } but that was as dim and strangely quiet as the rest of the Temple. } } Suddenly there was a series of beeps in rising pitch, and from an } unseen source the unmistakable tones of the Oracle boomed brightly } into the room. } } "You've reached the home of the Internet Oracle. We're all out on } an extended vacation right now, and won't be back to answer your } questions for a few days. Please direct any questions you have to } my temporary replacement. Thank you." } } The supplicant glanced at the round black object sitting on the } Oracle's throne. Oh well.  An answer was an answer. The supplicant } knelt  before the throne, picked up the ball, and gave it a vigorous } shake. } } > Oh Eight-Ball most spherical, always found with deep pockets, please } > answer my humble query. } > } > I'm looking for an email program. What advice can you give me? } } And in response, thus spake the Eight-Ball: }  ______________ }  \            / }   \ OUTLOOK  / }    \ NOT SO / }     \ GOOD / }      \    / }       \  / }        \/

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise and weary, > Great and greasy, proud and portly: > Please address my vexing query > Which I'll set before you shortly. > It's caused me endless hours of strife, > Annoyed my friends and (worse) my wife. > My neighbours shun me and avoid me, > It's years since someone last employed me. > An end to this would be such bliss > I'd gladly make a large donation > To the Oracular Foundation. > In any case, my problem's this: > I can't stop talking in this vile > Iambic tetrametric style!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Put down that evil Poe. Read Bill the Bard, } And speech will flow more easily, I'd say. } It's not a trick to speak in iambs five, } Unrhym-ed all so not to sound too trite. } Let me commend to thee this manner now, } And let your tongue unloosened freely wag. } Remember though, for each and every time } To always make the final couplet rhyme.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I am perplex by the following question: > > What do server farms raise? > > I feel that only the great and mighty and all-seeing and all-knowing > Oracle can answer it. > > Please do so. I submit a thousand post-it notes as a humble offering. > (My job has more to be stolen if you require them.) > > Good day, oh high and mighty one.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The temperature.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are in a courtyard. Statues of centaurs line the walls. In the } centre, an archway leads to a small enclave. There is a sign next to } the archway. Passageways lead out of the courtyard to the east, west, } and northwest. } } You hear bubbling water. } }  > x sign } } The sign reads, "The Oracle is IN." } }  > in } } A voice calls, "Hello, supplicant, welcome to Delphi!" } } You are in the Oracle's enclave. The Oracle sits here, surrounded by } four fountains. The Oracle watches you carefully. } }  > orrie, hello } } "'Hello'?! Is that what passes for groveling these days?" The Oracle } sighs. "Never mind. You here for a consultation?" } }  > yes } } "You want a major or minor one?" } }  > major } } "All right. You're supposed to get the Amulet of Yendor, but let's face } it, that's about as likely as Dubai hosting the 2018 Winter Olympics. } You barely remember which end of the sword to poke monsters with. If } you want my advice, you'll bugger off home while you have the chance. } Your lucky number is 11. } } You owe the Oracle 850 zorkmids." } }  > give 850 zorkmids to orrie } } "Thanks. Have a nice day. And stop calling me Orrie." } }  > dip sword in fountain } } You dip your long sword in one of the fountains. Your sword rusts } somewhat. The Oracle says, "Hey! Those fountains aren't cheap, you } know!" } }  > dip sword in fountain } } You dip your long sword in one of the fountains. Your sword rusts some } more. The fountain dries up. The Oracle says, "Oh, sure. Use up all my } fountains. You adventurers are all the same. You waltz in acting like } you own the place, and pick up everything that isn't nailed down." } }  > dip sword in fountain } } You dip your long sword in one of the fountains. Your sword rusts some } more. The fountain dries up. The Oracle says, "Look, buddy, you do that } one more time and I'll ZOT you. I don't care if it isn't in the rules." } }  > out } } As you leave, the Oracle mutters, "Good riddance." } } You're in the courtyard. } }  > w } } You walk through the passageway into another room. There is a staircase } down here, and exits to the east and south. } } There is a food ration here. There is a glass wand here. } }  > get all } } Food ration: taken. Glass wand: taken. } } As you pick up the glass wand, the floor suddenly gives way and you } fall through. You are deposited on the next level in a heap. } } "Hello, supplicant, welcome to Asidonhopo's general store!" } } You are in a small store. Various items are dotted about the room. } Asidonhopo stands by the door. } } There is a scroll here. There is a spellbook here. There is a slime } mold here. There is a suspicious-looking chest here. } }  > x asidonhopo } } Asidonhopo scowls at you. He holds a forked wand in a vaguely menacing } manner. } }  > asidonhopo, hello } } "You going to buy something, or are you just going to stand around all } day and get your grubby hands all over my merchandise?" } }  > get scroll } } Scroll: taken. "That'll be 300 zorkmids." } }  > out } } "You're not thinking of leaving without paying, are you?" } }  > no } } "Good. Because then I would have to hurt you. Hand over the cash." } }  > pay asidonhopo } } "Pleasure doing business with you." } } You are in a darkened passageway outside the general store. The } passageway leads to a room to the south. There is a newt here. } }  > kill newt } } With a vicious swipe, you dispatch the newt. You feel strangely tough. } }  > s } } You are in a dark room. A staircase leads down, and passages lead north } and west. } }  > read scroll } } You hear a rumbling noise. Out of nowhere, a boulder appears and lands } on your head. Ouch. } }  > d } } In a slight daze, you clamber down the stairs. } } You're in another room. They all look pretty much the same by this } point. Blah, blah, exits northwest, east, southwest, up. } }  > nw } } Someone says, "Pilgrim, you enter a sacred place!" } } You are in a temple. A blood-stained altar sits in the middle of the } room. Beside it, a priest slouches surlily. } }  > x priest } } The priest is dressed in faded, worn robes that identify him as a } priest of the Church of the Oracle. His demeanour gives the distinct } impression he wants to be somewhere else. Looking closely at his robes, } you can barely make out the word "ZADOC". } }  > zadoc, hello } } Zadoc mutters something about the In-Joke Retirement Fund and holds out } a tin cup. } }  > give 50 zorkmids to zadoc } } Zadoc says, "Whoop-dee-do. I'm rich. That'll buy me half a potion of } booze." } }  > s } } This room features a large pit in the centre. Doorways are to the north } and east. A wood nymph is here. } }  > x nymph } } The wood nymph is a paragon of feminine beauty. Long dark hair drapes } over her shoulders. She quietly hums "Hit Me With Your Best Shot". She } advances on you, larceny in her deep brown eyes. } }  > nymph, hello } } "Hello, sailor." The wood nymph makes a lunge at your backpack. } }  > kill nymph } } The wood nymph easily dodges your clumsy attempts to hit her with your } rusty sword. She says, "Look over there, a three-headed monkey!" As you } turn to look, she grabs a glass wand from your backpack. } }  > kill nymph } } The wood nymph skilfully ducks under your swing. She grabs your wrist } and wrenches the sword from your grasp. She gives it a disdainful } glance before concealing it somewhere on her person. } }  > kill nymph } } With what? Your bare hands? } }  > yes } } The wood nymph effortlessly evades your blow. She zaps a glass wand at } herself and vanishes. } }  > e } } You enter a large room. A sink is in the corner. A staircase leads } down. Doorways lead to the west, north, and northeast. } } A cockatrice is here. } }  > x cockatrice } } An ugly little thing. A sort of cross between the least appealing } aspects of a chicken and a lizard, but considerably worse. } }  > kill cockatrice } } With what? Your bare hands? } }  > yes } } As you score a direct hit on the cockatrice, it occurs to you that } attacking it bare-handed was not a very clever thing to do. You make a } very surprised-looking statue. } } You have died. } } Do you want your possessions identified? } }  > yes } } Your inventory: } 1729 gold pieces } a +2 leather armor } a +1 elven cloak } 4 food rations } a wand of wishing (0:3) } a blessed magic lamp } a magic marker (0:42) } an uncursed potion of full healing } 3 pieces of worthless green glass } } You scored 11 points out of a possible 1000. This gives you the rank of } Newt. } } Would you like to (R)estart or (Q)uit? } }  > q } } You owe... never mind, I'll just send Zadoc over with a pick-axe and } take what I can find.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle, if you already know everything, why is it neccesary > to ask questions? Would you now know what they are beforehand, and > simple send the answers at the right time?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I certainly could, but my ages of experience have taught me that } mortals seldom understand the answers, and hence are unlikely to pay } tribute, unless I let them ask the questions first. However, just to } prove my point: } } 1. No, she's not that into you. (You owe the Oracle a subscription to }    Playgod.) } 2. Yes, but it's best to let the wolves finish off the cannibals before }    suggesting recipes. (You owe the Oracle a copy of "How to Serve Man" }    with foreword by Alfred Packer) } 3. 42 (You owe the Oracle nothing, but some white mice would like a }    word with you.) } 4. Well, it all comes down to whether or not you're comfortable with }    it. I'd wait until the burning goes down before deciding though. (You }    owe the Oracle a topical ointment for every skin condition to affect }    the left elbow.) } 5. No, just no, and if you ever ask a question like that again, I'll }    ZOT you. (You owe the Oracle an apology and a truth serum.) } } You owe the Oracle a date with the woman from #1.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most funny, > > I notice there hasn't been a lot of Oracularities lately. > There were only 3 in December and one in January. > Does that mean there haven't been a lot of funny questions > and/or answers lately? > > I sent in a question on Thursday October 20, 2005 at 9:51 AM. > You answered it at 1:17 AM the next morning. > Yet that's one of the ones that showed up in the January! > > What's up with that? > Why are your priests waiting so long to pick articles for the > Oracularities?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I find it hard to believe that there are still supplicants out there } so naive that they think oracularities are selected by a priest and } then, lo and behold, they appear in the digest. There's a lot more } to it than that, Sonny Jim! I run a quality operation here, I'll } have you know. Here's a simplified breakdown of the digestification } process: } }  1. Priest scans one week's worth of oracularities. Duration: 1 week. }  2. Priest undergoes therapy. Duration: 3 weeks. }  3. Priest submits selected oracularities to Scrutiny Committee. }     Duration: 1 hour. }  4. Scrutiny Committee checks question and answer for: }     a. Previous appearances in the digests. }     b. Plagiarism and/or copyright infringement. }     c. Incitement to racial, religious or woodchuck hatred. }     d. Absence of humorous content. }     e. Scurrilous references to Delphic Research, Inc. }     f. Patentability. }     If none of a. to f. applies, go to step 10. Duration: 2 weeks. }  5. If a. or b., Scrutiny Committee initiates ZOT procedure. }     Duration: 2 days. }  6. If c., Scrutiny Committee notifies Homeland Security and/or }     Humane Society. Duration: 1 week before the black helicopters }     arrive. }  7. If d., Scrutiny Committee returns oracularities to priest and }     suggests s/he get a humor transplant. Priest undergoes more therapy. }     Duration: 6 weeks. }  8. If e., Scrutiny Committee undergoes therapy. Duration: 8 weeks. }  9. If f., Scrutiny Committee resigns, sets up hi-tech startup }     company and becomes unimaginably wealthy at your expense. }     Duration: 2-5 years, depending on availability of venture capital. } 10. Scrutiny Committee submits suitable oracularities to Steve }     Kinzler. Duration: 1 day. } 11. Steve Kinzler returns oracularities to Scrutiny Committee and }     suggests they all get a humor transplant. Scrutiny Committee }     undergoes more therapy. Duration: 9 weeks. } 12. Steve Kinzler begins to compile digest. Duration: 2 weeks. } 13. Steve Kinzler is hauled before University Disciplinary Board for }     spending far too much time on this Oracle nonsense and not enough on }     the day job. Duration: 3 days. } 14. Steve Kinzler undergoes therapy. Duration: 4 weeks. } 15. Steve Kinzler completes digest. Duration: 1 week. } 16. Digest released. Duration: 1 minute. } 17. University mail server goes down. Duration: 5 hours. } 18. Digest received by reader. Duration: 12 seconds. } 19. Digest read by reader. Duration: 3 minutes. } 20. Reader sends email to Steve Kinzler suggesting he, priests, }     Scrutiny Committee and anybody else even marginally involved in the }     process get a humor transplant. Duration: 25 minutes. } 21. Steve Kinzler initiates ZOT procedure. Duration: 6 minutes. } } So there you go - the entire digestification process lasts at least } 22 weeks, 4 days, 6 hours, 35 minutes and 12 seconds, usually much } more. Your question showed up disturbingly fast, indicating the } process was not correctly followed in this case. Please delete it } and never ever mention it again, or we'll be forced to notify } Homeland Security. } } You owe the Oracle a humor transplant and some therapy.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> }            ZOT!                                              ZOT! > }    Zo-o-O-o-O-o-O-t!                           Zo-o-O-o-O-o-O-t! > }   wurfle-ZOT! wurfle-ZOT!            wurfle-ZOT!     wurfle-ZOT! > }                     zot zot zot zot zot zot zot zot > } pocketa-ZOT! pocketa-ZOT! pocketa-pocketa-pocketa-ZOT! > > You killed my perpetual motion machine.  (OK, I can see where it might > have been annoying.) > How do I fix it now?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Killing your machine was of course my intent. Omniscient, remember? } } The answer is that you don't have to fix your machine... The Staff Of } Zot(tm) giveth, and the Staff Of Zot(tm) taketh away. My skill with the } Staff Of Zot(tm) allows me to repair your perpetual motion machine from } here. } } > Great! } } Not so fast. I ZOT-ted you on purpose, remember? I'm not putting your } machine back until you give me what you owe me. } } > Owe you? What do I owe you? } } What do you owe me? Yegads, man, dig through your E-mail! For starters, } since 1998 you've sent in 2,150 questions... 2,151 now... And only 22 } of them had grovels, so you owe me 2,129 grovels. And make them good. } } > 2,129 grovels? That will take HOURS! } } Yes... At 10 grovels per minute, it would take you 3 hours, 33 } minutes... Plus you would keep stopping for potty breaks and to keep } asking "how much longer," so it would actually take closer to 7 hours. } But then you would still owe me more. } } > What else would I owe you? } } Will you please dig through your E-mail? Let's see, starting in 1998: } } } You owe the Oracle a way to make it so he had never said he liked } } "It's a Wonderful Life". } } } You owe the Oracle an extra Med Kit, 10 pipe bombs, and } } a conveyer belt ride. } } } You owe the Oracle a 1st Edition copy of "Origin of the Species". } } > I see, but- } } } You owe the Oracle a copy of the Book of Common Prayer translated } } into Norse runes. } } } You owe the Oracle a lube and filter job. } } } You owe the Oracle (whose Siamese cat is, ounce for ounce, the most } } neurotic creature on the planet) a new upholstery job for his sofa. } } > Sure, but when- } } } You owe the Oracle some insider stock tips. } } > Insider stock tips? } } } You owe the ORACLE a transcription of Larry King's infamous } } Og vs. Alley Oop episode. } } } You owe the Oracle a Band-Aid and some Neosporin. } } } You owe the Oracle a new kernel. } } > Hold it! There must be hundreds of things like that. } } There's 2,129 of them. 412 of them are no longer possible, but even if } we forget those completely... There's still 1,717 of them, plus } interest. } } > Interest? } } Of course! I'll waive the penalty if you pay up in the next six weeks. } } > But nobody takes the "fee" at the end of your answers seriously! } } Nobody? NOBODY?!? You want another ZOT? } } > But... } } You think I do this for my health? We run a business here! We provide a } valuable service, and we expect to be paid! } } > Valuable service? Answering a bunch of silly questions? } } You didn't think it was silly when you asked about those Lotto numbers! } } > But you didn't give me the winning numbers! } } Sure I did. You won $1,200 -- and you didn't give me so much as a dime. } } > But I wanted to win the jackpot! } } You didn't grovel. Also, I know what you would have done with the } money; you should leave that poor girl alone. Besides that, you already } owed me 1,032 grovels and 1,040 tributes... You get what you pay for! } } > Look, this is besides the point. } } What's the point, then? } } > You broke my machine. You should either fix it, or tell me how to fix } > it. } } Fine. I will personally fix it, as soon as you pay me what you owe me. } } > It's not like I legally owe you anything. } } You should really learn to read the fine print on anything you sign. } Please look at the contract, clause 42, near the bottom of page 17. I } think you'll see that you DO legally owe me, and if you don't pay up I } have specific legal rights. } } > What's that? Where? } } Right here. } } > Those little dots? Those aren't words. } } They're words. Use my magnifying glass. } } > Oh yeah, I see. "Party of the second part"... "binding servitude"... } > "every woman that has ever slept with"... What's this part about farm } > animals? } } Yes, that's my favorite part too! } } > You can't be serious about all of this! } } My team of lawyers... Have you met them? There's 147 of them right now, } but I expect to have at least 3 more by next month. Anyway, they're } unanimous... They say that I CAN be serious about all of this, if I } want to. } } > And... Do you want to? } } Not if you pay up now. } } > Look... Couldn't we settle for cash, or something? } } In theory, I have no problem with that. In reality, you don't have that } much cash... You could start making payments. } } > Uh... } } Good. Now here's the deal. You deleted most of the Oracle messages in } your in-box, but I've managed to restore them all for you. Start with } the message dated June 13, 1998... Send in the grovel that you SHOULD } HAVE put in your message, plus the tribute I asked for. Then do two } more messages. If you do at least 3 messages per day, and NEVER TAKE A } DAY OFF, you'll be caught up on May 25, 2008. } } > And we'll be even? } } That doesn't account for penalties or interest... But yes, if you do 3 } messages EVERY DAY, and NEVER TAKE A DAY OFF, then I'll waive the } penalty and interest, and I'll fix your machine on May 26, 2008. } } > Thank you. } } Thank me WHAT? } } > Oh most arcane and understanding Oracle, whose earwax I am not even } > worthy to digest... I thank thee from the bottom of my heart... } } Not a bad start... You're learning... } } [AllanW] } } You owe the Oracle. Better get started.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm tired of asking questions.  We all know the Oracle is great. > Just tell me what I owe you and we can get on with our lives.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You owe the Oracle a question.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Sublemon and Sublime, > > With the advent of Wikipedia, has the need for an Internet Oracle > passed?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} While both pass gibberish off as wisdom the problem with } Wikipedia is that precious few of its users realize it is } a joke, while it is rare to find anyone participating in } Oracle experience who isn't in on the gag. } } You owe the Oracle an airplane piloted by passenger consensus.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I found the needle in the haystack. Where do I apply for my prize?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Congratulations. The application is between two pages } of a book somewhere in the Library of Congress. Good } luck! } } You owe the Oracle that grain of sand over there. No, } not that one. No, that one isn't it either. No, not } that one. The one over there. No, sorry. Try again.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most fast and efficient oracle, you run on cycles of a better > quality than Lance himself, > > Are you a proper program, or merely a script?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course I am a proper program! And not just any program, either. To } get an understanding of the scale of the Oracle program, imagine } Microsoft (I know it's painful, but go with me here). } } Then imagine Microsoft suddenly becoming productive enough to release a } new version of Windows every three months, but doubling the number of } bugs in every release (that part should be easy). } } Then imagine that two weeks before the actual release date for each } version (i.e. about five months after the publicised release date - and } yes, this does mean nearly two releases behind; just like it is now), a } horde of outside programmers is issued a copy of the full source code. } On paper. Printed in pale yellow ink, in 6 point type. In Wingdings. } (I didn't say Microsoft had to *like* giving out their code...) } } Then imagine that in those two weeks they find and fix every single bug } in time to have the complete service pack available on the release } date. } } Then imagine that this keeps up for one hundred years. } } Now you have a faint idea the amount of programming effort it took to } create the Internet Oracle. That you can have the gall to suggest that } it might be a script that Kinzler slapped together in his spare time is } both astonishing and appalling. } } Furtherm } } <error in oracle-reply.vbs: fatal disk error reading file notscrpt.txt>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If you called The Invisible Man to court, would he be charged with > "Failing To Appear"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You wouldn't want to call the Invisible Man to court in the first } place, since any jury worth its salt could see right through him.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Orrie, what do pickled dragons with mustard taste like?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Chicken. } } Ok, that's probably not the answer you're looking for.  In fact, since } I'm omniscient, I *KNOW it's not the answer you were looking for.  So, } let's expound a little, shall we? } } Imagine you're a lowly peasant in a Middle-Earth-style setting. } You're roughly 38 years old, have several kids and a plump, loving } wife.  However, you're extremely poor.  You spend your days getting } paid to shift mud from one pile to another for the sheer amusement of } your lord, who busies himself with hurrying from mud pile to mud pile, } his only purpose to watch those under him slave away in misery.  If } you do a particularly good job, you get paid a couple of silver pieces } instead of the standard few copper pieces.  You're a hard worker, but } not very good at your job, so you don't get a lot of extra money.  But } that's ok, because you're happy with your lot in life.  Your kids love } you, your wife loves you, and you're debt-free. } } One day, while you're shifting a particularly heavy pile of mud, your } lord happens by on his horse.  Not only is he watching you work, but } also the Prince of the land.  The Prince is a snobbish brute, spoiled } in every way, and seems to be about 150 pounds heavier than he should } be.  He laughs heartily at your misery, commenting to the lord how } deliciously pitiful you look when all of a sudden, the Prince's horse } sees a snake lurking near it!  The horse panics, and begins galloping } at an incredibly fast pace towards a 150 foot cliff no more than a } quarter of a mile away.   Without thinking, you quickly shove your } lord off of his horse, climb on and race towards the doomed Prince. } The Prince's horse is still panicked, but having a heck of a time } trying to run with the obese Prince on its back, so you're easily able } to catch up to him.  Within feet of the cliff, you deftly grab the } Prince, drawing him to the ground just as the terrified horse plunges } down the cliff to his death.  The Prince, shaken and a little } embarrassed, thanks you whole-heartedly, and makes his way back to the } King's castle. } } It isn't long before word of your heroic efforts to save his son } reaches the King's ears.  The King is so grateful that he immediately } sends for you to join him in a banquet and party in your honor! } } Oh, the banquet is quite a sight to behold.  You are placed at the } King's side, encouraged to eat as much as you can possibly eat, drink } as much as you can possibly drink.  The King, like his son, is a large } man of some girth.  His appetite is a hearty one, and although he is } King, his table manners are atrocious.  But you enjoy yourself, having } a large portion of every type of food that is brought before you.  And } the Ale!  Oh my, you are given the best ale in all the lands!   By } midnight, you are extremely full, extremely drunk, and extremely sick } of eating.  But the party continues!  And, being the honored guest, } you are not allowed to stop eating or drinking.  It is four in the } morning, and you are literally stuffed and drunk off of your arse. } Finally, the party is waning, and the King is just about to leave for } the night, when suddenly, you throw up everything you've eaten in a } huge, smelly, brown-red mixture of food, ale, mucous and stomach bile. } It really is quite a mess. } } The King is shocked and horrified!  The custom for the land is that a } guest of the King NEVER throws up any food given to him during the } course of the feast.  You have committed one of the vilest acts you } could possibly commit, and the only recourse for your actions is death } by being drawn and quartered.  Or, the King tells you, you could } re-consume your sin, so to speak.  After a night's debauchery and } gluttony, you are now looking at a congealing mess that you realize } you must eat if you want to live to see the sunrise. } } Got that? } } Ok, pickled dragons with mustard has the taste that is a lot like you } think eating that regurgitated mess would taste, only without the } wonderful texture. } } You owe the Oracle a doggy bag.