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Best of Internet Oracularities #1401-1425

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1401-1425, 1405-05, 1410-09, 1406-07, 1414-08, 1415-05, 1416-01, 1401-10, 1407-09, 1408-03, 1410-01, 1410-05, 1411-10, 1418-09, 1424-03


Best of Internet Oracularities #1401-1425    (3.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 28 Jan 2008 14:00:00 -0500

Oracularities are the distilled wisdom and sagacity of the Internet
Oracle, as incarnated in its many anonymous e-mail participants.
This collection has been compiled from the regular Oracularities postings
#1401 through #1425 and contains the Oracularities rated by its readers
as among the funniest.

To find out more about the Internet Oracle, send mail to
oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line to receive
the Oracle helpfile.

The regular Oracularities postings can be found in the Usenet newsgroup
rec.humor.oracle.  Open discussion about the Internet Oracle occurs in
the newsgroup rec.humor.oracle.d.  If your site doesn't carry these
newsgroups, contact your news administrator about starting them, or
see the Oracle helpfile about subscribing to the Oracularities e-mail
distribution list.


1405-05    (02cej dist, 4.1 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, so wise and all-knowing, whose knowledge and
> wisdom are known throughout the land, I come before thee with a
> question that has plagued me for a time, and half a time again.
> What is the secret to understanding women?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lack of understanding between men and women is a common problem.
} Luckily for you, The Oracle has come along to explain it all.
}
} Men are simple beasts, they like food, sex, and shiny toys.
} When they want something, they'll ask for it, usually in a short
} sentence of simple words, for example
} "I'm hungry" means they're hungry.
} "I'm horny" means they want sex.
} "I want to play (some computer game)" means they want to play with
} their shiny toys.
}
} Women are also simple beasts, they like food, sex, and shiny toys.
} When they want something, they will drop subtle hints, sometimes
} verbal code, sometimes using body-language cues, sometimes via mental
} telepathy. For example
} "Isn't is getting dark early these days" means I'm hungry, let's eat
} "Isn't it getting dark early these days" means I'm horny, let's go to
} bed early tonight
} "Isn't it getting dark early these days" means it's a long time since
} you bought me a shiny toy
}
} Men, simple beasts that they are, take all 3 of the above as a comment
} on the advancing season, or an invitation to discuss the astronomical
} basis for variation in day length.
}
} Meanwhile women, accustomed as they are to speaking in code, assume
} men do the same.
}
} So, his "I'm hungry" gets interpreted by her as "your ass looks very
} fat today" or "I'd like to have sex with that woman over there" or even
} "my hovercraft is full of eels". Strangely, the more innocent, direct
} and obvious a comment, the more likely it is to be interpreted as some
} subtle insult. She takes offence, he notices and asks "what's wrong?"
} to which she replies "nothing". There ensues an escalating exchange
} during which she continues to deny anything is wrong while getting more
} and more angry at him for failing to apologise for the 'insult'.
} Meanwhile, he knows she is angry, and gets more and more frustrated at
} her refusal to tell him why.
}
} And so it continues, generation after generation.
} Men still aren't mind-readers, and women are still mad at them for it.
} 'Twas ever thus, and ever shall it be.
}
} You owe The Oracle a female-to-English dictionary.


1410-09    (109eh dist, 4.1 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Silence. The supplicant looked about in bewilderment. The Temple was
} usually filled with activity, but its halls were now dark and empty. No
} priests, no other supplicants, none of the Oracle's usual hangers-on.
} The supplicant nervously peered around the door to the throne room,
} but that was as dim and strangely quiet as the rest of the Temple.
}
} Suddenly there was a series of beeps in rising pitch, and from an
} unseen source the unmistakable tones of the Oracle boomed brightly
} into the room.
}
} "You've reached the home of the Internet Oracle. We're all out on
} an extended vacation right now, and won't be back to answer your
} questions for a few days. Please direct any questions you have to
} my temporary replacement. Thank you."
}
} The supplicant glanced at the round black object sitting on the
} Oracle's throne. Oh well.  An answer was an answer. The supplicant
} knelt  before the throne, picked up the ball, and gave it a vigorous
} shake.
}
} > Oh Eight-Ball most spherical, always found with deep pockets, please
} > answer my humble query.
} >
} > I'm looking for an email program. What advice can you give me?
}
} And in response, thus spake the Eight-Ball:
}  ______________
}  \            /
}   \ OUTLOOK  /
}    \ NOT SO /
}     \ GOOD /
}      \    /
}       \  /
}        \/


1406-07    (0497g dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <alycewilson@lycos.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise and weary,
> Great and greasy, proud and portly:
> Please address my vexing query
> Which I'll set before you shortly.
> It's caused me endless hours of strife,
> Annoyed my friends and (worse) my wife.
> My neighbours shun me and avoid me,
> It's years since someone last employed me.
> An end to this would be such bliss
> I'd gladly make a large donation
> To the Oracular Foundation.
> In any case, my problem's this:
> I can't stop talking in this vile
> Iambic tetrametric style!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Put down that evil Poe. Read Bill the Bard,
} And speech will flow more easily, I'd say.
} It's not a trick to speak in iambs five,
} Unrhym-ed all so not to sound too trite.
} Let me commend to thee this manner now,
} And let your tongue unloosened freely wag.
} Remember though, for each and every time
} To always make the final couplet rhyme.


1414-08    (009ba dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I am perplex by the following question:
>
> What do server farms raise?
>
> I feel that only the great and mighty and all-seeing and all-knowing
> Oracle can answer it.
>
> Please do so. I submit a thousand post-it notes as a humble offering.
> (My job has more to be stolen if you require them.)
>
> Good day, oh high and mighty one.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The temperature.


1415-05    (136ab dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <drey@speakeasy.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are in a courtyard. Statues of centaurs line the walls. In the
} centre, an archway leads to a small enclave. There is a sign next to
} the archway. Passageways lead out of the courtyard to the east, west,
} and northwest.
}
} You hear bubbling water.
}
}  > x sign
}
} The sign reads, "The Oracle is IN."
}
}  > in
}
} A voice calls, "Hello, supplicant, welcome to Delphi!"
}
} You are in the Oracle's enclave. The Oracle sits here, surrounded by
} four fountains. The Oracle watches you carefully.
}
}  > orrie, hello
}
} "'Hello'?! Is that what passes for groveling these days?" The Oracle
} sighs. "Never mind. You here for a consultation?"
}
}  > yes
}
} "You want a major or minor one?"
}
}  > major
}
} "All right. You're supposed to get the Amulet of Yendor, but let's face
} it, that's about as likely as Dubai hosting the 2018 Winter Olympics.
} You barely remember which end of the sword to poke monsters with. If
} you want my advice, you'll bugger off home while you have the chance.
} Your lucky number is 11.
}
} You owe the Oracle 850 zorkmids."
}
}  > give 850 zorkmids to orrie
}
} "Thanks. Have a nice day. And stop calling me Orrie."
}
}  > dip sword in fountain
}
} You dip your long sword in one of the fountains. Your sword rusts
} somewhat. The Oracle says, "Hey! Those fountains aren't cheap, you
} know!"
}
}  > dip sword in fountain
}
} You dip your long sword in one of the fountains. Your sword rusts some
} more. The fountain dries up. The Oracle says, "Oh, sure. Use up all my
} fountains. You adventurers are all the same. You waltz in acting like
} you own the place, and pick up everything that isn't nailed down."
}
}  > dip sword in fountain
}
} You dip your long sword in one of the fountains. Your sword rusts some
} more. The fountain dries up. The Oracle says, "Look, buddy, you do that
} one more time and I'll ZOT you. I don't care if it isn't in the rules."
}
}  > out
}
} As you leave, the Oracle mutters, "Good riddance."
}
} You're in the courtyard.
}
}  > w
}
} You walk through the passageway into another room. There is a staircase
} down here, and exits to the east and south.
}
} There is a food ration here. There is a glass wand here.
}
}  > get all
}
} Food ration: taken. Glass wand: taken.
}
} As you pick up the glass wand, the floor suddenly gives way and you
} fall through. You are deposited on the next level in a heap.
}
} "Hello, supplicant, welcome to Asidonhopo's general store!"
}
} You are in a small store. Various items are dotted about the room.
} Asidonhopo stands by the door.
}
} There is a scroll here. There is a spellbook here. There is a slime
} mold here. There is a suspicious-looking chest here.
}
}  > x asidonhopo
}
} Asidonhopo scowls at you. He holds a forked wand in a vaguely menacing
} manner.
}
}  > asidonhopo, hello
}
} "You going to buy something, or are you just going to stand around all
} day and get your grubby hands all over my merchandise?"
}
}  > get scroll
}
} Scroll: taken. "That'll be 300 zorkmids."
}
}  > out
}
} "You're not thinking of leaving without paying, are you?"
}
}  > no
}
} "Good. Because then I would have to hurt you. Hand over the cash."
}
}  > pay asidonhopo
}
} "Pleasure doing business with you."
}
} You are in a darkened passageway outside the general store. The
} passageway leads to a room to the south. There is a newt here.
}
}  > kill newt
}
} With a vicious swipe, you dispatch the newt. You feel strangely tough.
}
}  > s
}
} You are in a dark room. A staircase leads down, and passages lead north
} and west.
}
}  > read scroll
}
} You hear a rumbling noise. Out of nowhere, a boulder appears and lands
} on your head. Ouch.
}
}  > d
}
} In a slight daze, you clamber down the stairs.
}
} You're in another room. They all look pretty much the same by this
} point. Blah, blah, exits northwest, east, southwest, up.
}
}  > nw
}
} Someone says, "Pilgrim, you enter a sacred place!"
}
} You are in a temple. A blood-stained altar sits in the middle of the
} room. Beside it, a priest slouches surlily.
}
}  > x priest
}
} The priest is dressed in faded, worn robes that identify him as a
} priest of the Church of the Oracle. His demeanour gives the distinct
} impression he wants to be somewhere else. Looking closely at his robes,
} you can barely make out the word "ZADOC".
}
}  > zadoc, hello
}
} Zadoc mutters something about the In-Joke Retirement Fund and holds out
} a tin cup.
}
}  > give 50 zorkmids to zadoc
}
} Zadoc says, "Whoop-dee-do. I'm rich. That'll buy me half a potion of
} booze."
}
}  > s
}
} This room features a large pit in the centre. Doorways are to the north
} and east. A wood nymph is here.
}
}  > x nymph
}
} The wood nymph is a paragon of feminine beauty. Long dark hair drapes
} over her shoulders. She quietly hums "Hit Me With Your Best Shot". She
} advances on you, larceny in her deep brown eyes.
}
}  > nymph, hello
}
} "Hello, sailor." The wood nymph makes a lunge at your backpack.
}
}  > kill nymph
}
} The wood nymph easily dodges your clumsy attempts to hit her with your
} rusty sword. She says, "Look over there, a three-headed monkey!" As you
} turn to look, she grabs a glass wand from your backpack.
}
}  > kill nymph
}
} The wood nymph skilfully ducks under your swing. She grabs your wrist
} and wrenches the sword from your grasp. She gives it a disdainful
} glance before concealing it somewhere on her person.
}
}  > kill nymph
}
} With what? Your bare hands?
}
}  > yes
}
} The wood nymph effortlessly evades your blow. She zaps a glass wand at
} herself and vanishes.
}
}  > e
}
} You enter a large room. A sink is in the corner. A staircase leads
} down. Doorways lead to the west, north, and northeast.
}
} A cockatrice is here.
}
}  > x cockatrice
}
} An ugly little thing. A sort of cross between the least appealing
} aspects of a chicken and a lizard, but considerably worse.
}
}  > kill cockatrice
}
} With what? Your bare hands?
}
}  > yes
}
} As you score a direct hit on the cockatrice, it occurs to you that
} attacking it bare-handed was not a very clever thing to do. You make a
} very surprised-looking statue.
}
} You have died.
}
} Do you want your possessions identified?
}
}  > yes
}
} Your inventory:
} 1729 gold pieces
} a +2 leather armor
} a +1 elven cloak
} 4 food rations
} a wand of wishing (0:3)
} a blessed magic lamp
} a magic marker (0:42)
} an uncursed potion of full healing
} 3 pieces of worthless green glass
}
} You scored 11 points out of a possible 1000. This gives you the rank of
} Newt.
}
} Would you like to (R)estart or (Q)uit?
}
}  > q
}
} You owe... never mind, I'll just send Zadoc over with a pick-axe and
} take what I can find.


1416-01    (048cb dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle, if you already know everything, why is it neccesary
> to ask questions? Would you now know what they are beforehand, and
> simple send the answers at the right time?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I certainly could, but my ages of experience have taught me that
} mortals seldom understand the answers, and hence are unlikely to pay
} tribute, unless I let them ask the questions first. However, just to
} prove my point:
}
} 1. No, she's not that into you. (You owe the Oracle a subscription to
}    Playgod.)
} 2. Yes, but it's best to let the wolves finish off the cannibals before
}    suggesting recipes. (You owe the Oracle a copy of "How to Serve Man"
}    with foreword by Alfred Packer)
} 3. 42 (You owe the Oracle nothing, but some white mice would like a
}    word with you.)
} 4. Well, it all comes down to whether or not you're comfortable with
}    it. I'd wait until the burning goes down before deciding though. (You
}    owe the Oracle a topical ointment for every skin condition to affect
}    the left elbow.)
} 5. No, just no, and if you ever ask a question like that again, I'll
}    ZOT you. (You owe the Oracle an apology and a truth serum.)
}
} You owe the Oracle a date with the woman from #1.


1401-10    (03ffc dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most funny,
>
> I notice there hasn't been a lot of Oracularities lately.
> There were only 3 in December and one in January.
> Does that mean there haven't been a lot of funny questions
> and/or answers lately?
>
> I sent in a question on Thursday October 20, 2005 at 9:51 AM.
> You answered it at 1:17 AM the next morning.
> Yet that's one of the ones that showed up in the January!
>
> What's up with that?
> Why are your priests waiting so long to pick articles for the
> Oracularities?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I find it hard to believe that there are still supplicants out there
} so naive that they think oracularities are selected by a priest and
} then, lo and behold, they appear in the digest. There's a lot more
} to it than that, Sonny Jim! I run a quality operation here, I'll
} have you know. Here's a simplified breakdown of the digestification
} process:
}
}  1. Priest scans one week's worth of oracularities. Duration: 1 week.
}  2. Priest undergoes therapy. Duration: 3 weeks.
}  3. Priest submits selected oracularities to Scrutiny Committee.
}     Duration: 1 hour.
}  4. Scrutiny Committee checks question and answer for:
}     a. Previous appearances in the digests.
}     b. Plagiarism and/or copyright infringement.
}     c. Incitement to racial, religious or woodchuck hatred.
}     d. Absence of humorous content.
}     e. Scurrilous references to Delphic Research, Inc.
}     f. Patentability.
}     If none of a. to f. applies, go to step 10. Duration: 2 weeks.
}  5. If a. or b., Scrutiny Committee initiates ZOT procedure.
}     Duration: 2 days.
}  6. If c., Scrutiny Committee notifies Homeland Security and/or
}     Humane Society. Duration: 1 week before the black helicopters
}     arrive.
}  7. If d., Scrutiny Committee returns oracularities to priest and
}     suggests s/he get a humor transplant. Priest undergoes more therapy.
}     Duration: 6 weeks.
}  8. If e., Scrutiny Committee undergoes therapy. Duration: 8 weeks.
}  9. If f., Scrutiny Committee resigns, sets up hi-tech startup
}     company and becomes unimaginably wealthy at your expense.
}     Duration: 2-5 years, depending on availability of venture capital.
} 10. Scrutiny Committee submits suitable oracularities to Steve
}     Kinzler. Duration: 1 day.
} 11. Steve Kinzler returns oracularities to Scrutiny Committee and
}     suggests they all get a humor transplant. Scrutiny Committee
}     undergoes more therapy. Duration: 9 weeks.
} 12. Steve Kinzler begins to compile digest. Duration: 2 weeks.
} 13. Steve Kinzler is hauled before University Disciplinary Board for
}     spending far too much time on this Oracle nonsense and not enough on
}     the day job. Duration: 3 days.
} 14. Steve Kinzler undergoes therapy. Duration: 4 weeks.
} 15. Steve Kinzler completes digest. Duration: 1 week.
} 16. Digest released. Duration: 1 minute.
} 17. University mail server goes down. Duration: 5 hours.
} 18. Digest received by reader. Duration: 12 seconds.
} 19. Digest read by reader. Duration: 3 minutes.
} 20. Reader sends email to Steve Kinzler suggesting he, priests,
}     Scrutiny Committee and anybody else even marginally involved in the
}     process get a humor transplant. Duration: 25 minutes.
} 21. Steve Kinzler initiates ZOT procedure. Duration: 6 minutes.
}
} So there you go - the entire digestification process lasts at least
} 22 weeks, 4 days, 6 hours, 35 minutes and 12 seconds, usually much
} more. Your question showed up disturbingly fast, indicating the
} process was not correctly followed in this case. Please delete it
} and never ever mention it again, or we'll be forced to notify
} Homeland Security.
}
} You owe the Oracle a humor transplant and some therapy.


1407-09    (21ccc dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> }            ZOT!                                              ZOT!
> }    Zo-o-O-o-O-o-O-t!                           Zo-o-O-o-O-o-O-t!
> }   wurfle-ZOT! wurfle-ZOT!            wurfle-ZOT!     wurfle-ZOT!
> }                     zot zot zot zot zot zot zot zot
> } pocketa-ZOT! pocketa-ZOT! pocketa-pocketa-pocketa-ZOT!
>
> You killed my perpetual motion machine.  (OK, I can see where it might
> have been annoying.)
> How do I fix it now?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Killing your machine was of course my intent. Omniscient, remember?
}
} The answer is that you don't have to fix your machine... The Staff Of
} Zot(tm) giveth, and the Staff Of Zot(tm) taketh away. My skill with the
} Staff Of Zot(tm) allows me to repair your perpetual motion machine from
} here.
}
} > Great!
}
} Not so fast. I ZOT-ted you on purpose, remember? I'm not putting your
} machine back until you give me what you owe me.
}
} > Owe you? What do I owe you?
}
} What do you owe me? Yegads, man, dig through your E-mail! For starters,
} since 1998 you've sent in 2,150 questions... 2,151 now... And only 22
} of them had grovels, so you owe me 2,129 grovels. And make them good.
}
} > 2,129 grovels? That will take HOURS!
}
} Yes... At 10 grovels per minute, it would take you 3 hours, 33
} minutes... Plus you would keep stopping for potty breaks and to keep
} asking "how much longer," so it would actually take closer to 7 hours.
} But then you would still owe me more.
}
} > What else would I owe you?
}
} Will you please dig through your E-mail? Let's see, starting in 1998:
}
} } You owe the Oracle a way to make it so he had never said he liked
} } "It's a Wonderful Life".
}
} } You owe the Oracle an extra Med Kit, 10 pipe bombs, and
} } a conveyer belt ride.
}
} } You owe the Oracle a 1st Edition copy of "Origin of the Species".
}
} > I see, but-
}
} } You owe the Oracle a copy of the Book of Common Prayer translated
} } into Norse runes.
}
} } You owe the Oracle a lube and filter job.
}
} } You owe the Oracle (whose Siamese cat is, ounce for ounce, the most
} } neurotic creature on the planet) a new upholstery job for his sofa.
}
} > Sure, but when-
}
} } You owe the Oracle some insider stock tips.
}
} > Insider stock tips?
}
} } You owe the ORACLE a transcription of Larry King's infamous
} } Og vs. Alley Oop episode.
}
} } You owe the Oracle a Band-Aid and some Neosporin.
}
} } You owe the Oracle a new kernel.
}
} > Hold it! There must be hundreds of things like that.
}
} There's 2,129 of them. 412 of them are no longer possible, but even if
} we forget those completely... There's still 1,717 of them, plus
} interest.
}
} > Interest?
}
} Of course! I'll waive the penalty if you pay up in the next six weeks.
}
} > But nobody takes the "fee" at the end of your answers seriously!
}
} Nobody? NOBODY?!? You want another ZOT?
}
} > But...
}
} You think I do this for my health? We run a business here! We provide a
} valuable service, and we expect to be paid!
}
} > Valuable service? Answering a bunch of silly questions?
}
} You didn't think it was silly when you asked about those Lotto numbers!
}
} > But you didn't give me the winning numbers!
}
} Sure I did. You won $1,200 -- and you didn't give me so much as a dime.
}
} > But I wanted to win the jackpot!
}
} You didn't grovel. Also, I know what you would have done with the
} money; you should leave that poor girl alone. Besides that, you already
} owed me 1,032 grovels and 1,040 tributes... You get what you pay for!
}
} > Look, this is besides the point.
}
} What's the point, then?
}
} > You broke my machine. You should either fix it, or tell me how to fix
} > it.
}
} Fine. I will personally fix it, as soon as you pay me what you owe me.
}
} > It's not like I legally owe you anything.
}
} You should really learn to read the fine print on anything you sign.
} Please look at the contract, clause 42, near the bottom of page 17. I
} think you'll see that you DO legally owe me, and if you don't pay up I
} have specific legal rights.
}
} > What's that? Where?
}
} Right here.
}
} > Those little dots? Those aren't words.
}
} They're words. Use my magnifying glass.
}
} > Oh yeah, I see. "Party of the second part"... "binding servitude"...
} > "every woman that has ever slept with"... What's this part about farm
} > animals?
}
} Yes, that's my favorite part too!
}
} > You can't be serious about all of this!
}
} My team of lawyers... Have you met them? There's 147 of them right now,
} but I expect to have at least 3 more by next month. Anyway, they're
} unanimous... They say that I CAN be serious about all of this, if I
} want to.
}
} > And... Do you want to?
}
} Not if you pay up now.
}
} > Look... Couldn't we settle for cash, or something?
}
} In theory, I have no problem with that. In reality, you don't have that
} much cash... You could start making payments.
}
} > Uh...
}
} Good. Now here's the deal. You deleted most of the Oracle messages in
} your in-box, but I've managed to restore them all for you. Start with
} the message dated June 13, 1998... Send in the grovel that you SHOULD
} HAVE put in your message, plus the tribute I asked for. Then do two
} more messages. If you do at least 3 messages per day, and NEVER TAKE A
} DAY OFF, you'll be caught up on May 25, 2008.
}
} > And we'll be even?
}
} That doesn't account for penalties or interest... But yes, if you do 3
} messages EVERY DAY, and NEVER TAKE A DAY OFF, then I'll waive the
} penalty and interest, and I'll fix your machine on May 26, 2008.
}
} > Thank you.
}
} Thank me WHAT?
}
} > Oh most arcane and understanding Oracle, whose earwax I am not even
} > worthy to digest... I thank thee from the bottom of my heart...
}
} Not a bad start... You're learning...
}
} [AllanW]
}
} You owe the Oracle. Better get started.


1408-03    (258gg dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm tired of asking questions.  We all know the Oracle is great.
> Just tell me what I owe you and we can get on with our lives.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You owe the Oracle a question.


1410-01    (23add dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: "J. Avedon" <SOteric2@msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Sublemon and Sublime,
>
> With the advent of Wikipedia, has the need for an Internet Oracle
> passed?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} While both pass gibberish off as wisdom the problem with
} Wikipedia is that precious few of its users realize it is
} a joke, while it is rare to find anyone participating in
} Oracle experience who isn't in on the gag.
}
} You owe the Oracle an airplane piloted by passenger consensus.


1410-05    (11dfb dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I found the needle in the haystack. Where do I apply for my prize?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Congratulations. The application is between two pages
} of a book somewhere in the Library of Congress. Good
} luck!
}
} You owe the Oracle that grain of sand over there. No,
} not that one. No, that one isn't it either. No, not
} that one. The one over there. No, sorry. Try again.


1411-10    (14ehd dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most fast and efficient oracle, you run on cycles of a better
> quality than Lance himself,
>
> Are you a proper program, or merely a script?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course I am a proper program! And not just any program, either. To
} get an understanding of the scale of the Oracle program, imagine
} Microsoft (I know it's painful, but go with me here).
}
} Then imagine Microsoft suddenly becoming productive enough to release a
} new version of Windows every three months, but doubling the number of
} bugs in every release (that part should be easy).
}
} Then imagine that two weeks before the actual release date for each
} version (i.e. about five months after the publicised release date - and
} yes, this does mean nearly two releases behind; just like it is now), a
} horde of outside programmers is issued a copy of the full source code.
} On paper. Printed in pale yellow ink, in 6 point type. In Wingdings.
} (I didn't say Microsoft had to *like* giving out their code...)
}
} Then imagine that in those two weeks they find and fix every single bug
} in time to have the complete service pack available on the release
} date.
}
} Then imagine that this keeps up for one hundred years.
}
} Now you have a faint idea the amount of programming effort it took to
} create the Internet Oracle. That you can have the gall to suggest that
} it might be a script that Kinzler slapped together in his spare time is
} both astonishing and appalling.
}
} Furtherm
}
} <error in oracle-reply.vbs: fatal disk error reading file notscrpt.txt>


1418-09    (078cd dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If you called The Invisible Man to court, would he be charged with
> "Failing To Appear"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You wouldn't want to call the Invisible Man to court in the first
} place, since any jury worth its salt could see right through him.


1424-03    (165bc dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Orrie, what do pickled dragons with mustard taste like?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Chicken.
}
} Ok, that's probably not the answer you're looking for.  In fact, since
} I'm omniscient, I *KNOW it's not the answer you were looking for.  So,
} let's expound a little, shall we?
}
} Imagine you're a lowly peasant in a Middle-Earth-style setting.
} You're roughly 38 years old, have several kids and a plump, loving
} wife.  However, you're extremely poor.  You spend your days getting
} paid to shift mud from one pile to another for the sheer amusement of
} your lord, who busies himself with hurrying from mud pile to mud pile,
} his only purpose to watch those under him slave away in misery.  If
} you do a particularly good job, you get paid a couple of silver pieces
} instead of the standard few copper pieces.  You're a hard worker, but
} not very good at your job, so you don't get a lot of extra money.  But
} that's ok, because you're happy with your lot in life.  Your kids love
} you, your wife loves you, and you're debt-free.
}
} One day, while you're shifting a particularly heavy pile of mud, your
} lord happens by on his horse.  Not only is he watching you work, but
} also the Prince of the land.  The Prince is a snobbish brute, spoiled
} in every way, and seems to be about 150 pounds heavier than he should
} be.  He laughs heartily at your misery, commenting to the lord how
} deliciously pitiful you look when all of a sudden, the Prince's horse
} sees a snake lurking near it!  The horse panics, and begins galloping
} at an incredibly fast pace towards a 150 foot cliff no more than a
} quarter of a mile away.   Without thinking, you quickly shove your
} lord off of his horse, climb on and race towards the doomed Prince.
} The Prince's horse is still panicked, but having a heck of a time
} trying to run with the obese Prince on its back, so you're easily able
} to catch up to him.  Within feet of the cliff, you deftly grab the
} Prince, drawing him to the ground just as the terrified horse plunges
} down the cliff to his death.  The Prince, shaken and a little
} embarrassed, thanks you whole-heartedly, and makes his way back to the
} King's castle.
}
} It isn't long before word of your heroic efforts to save his son
} reaches the King's ears.  The King is so grateful that he immediately
} sends for you to join him in a banquet and party in your honor!
}
} Oh, the banquet is quite a sight to behold.  You are placed at the
} King's side, encouraged to eat as much as you can possibly eat, drink
} as much as you can possibly drink.  The King, like his son, is a large
} man of some girth.  His appetite is a hearty one, and although he is
} King, his table manners are atrocious.  But you enjoy yourself, having
} a large portion of every type of food that is brought before you.  And
} the Ale!  Oh my, you are given the best ale in all the lands!   By
} midnight, you are extremely full, extremely drunk, and extremely sick
} of eating.  But the party continues!  And, being the honored guest,
} you are not allowed to stop eating or drinking.  It is four in the
} morning, and you are literally stuffed and drunk off of your arse.
} Finally, the party is waning, and the King is just about to leave for
} the night, when suddenly, you throw up everything you've eaten in a
} huge, smelly, brown-red mixture of food, ale, mucous and stomach bile.
} It really is quite a mess.
}
} The King is shocked and horrified!  The custom for the land is that a
} guest of the King NEVER throws up any food given to him during the
} course of the feast.  You have committed one of the vilest acts you
} could possibly commit, and the only recourse for your actions is death
} by being drawn and quartered.  Or, the King tells you, you could
} re-consume your sin, so to speak.  After a night's debauchery and
} gluttony, you are now looking at a congealing mess that you realize
} you must eat if you want to live to see the sunrise.
}
} Got that?
}
} Ok, pickled dragons with mustard has the taste that is a lot like you
} think eating that regurgitated mess would taste, only without the
} wonderful texture.
}
} You owe the Oracle a doggy bag.


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