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Best of Internet Oracularities #1451-1475

Goto:
1451-1475, 1470-08, 1451-05, 1451-07, 1464-10, 1465-02, 1467-01, 1472-06, 1452-04, 1454-02, 1475-07, 1451-09, 1454-05, 1456-01, 1457-01, 1461-04, 1463-01, 1465-08, 1466-03, 1467-05, 1471-06


Best of Internet Oracularities #1451-1475    (3.7 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 28 Apr 2011 13:18:45 -0400

Oracularities are the distilled wisdom and sagacity of the Internet
Oracle, as incarnated in its many anonymous e-mail participants.
This collection has been compiled from the regular Oracularities postings
#1451 through #1475 and contains the Oracularities rated by its readers
as among the funniest.

To find out more about the Internet Oracle, send mail to
oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line to
receive the Oracle helpfile, or go to http://www.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/
or http://www.internetoracle.org/

The regular Oracularities postings can be found at the website above or
in the Usenet newsgroup rec.humor.oracle.  Open discussion about the
Internet Oracle occurs in the newsgroup rec.humor.oracle.d.  If your
site doesn't carry these newsgroups, contact your news administrator
about starting them, or see the Oracle helpfile about subscribing to
the Oracularities e-mail distribution list.


1470-08    (0479e dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle tell me this,
>
> If you are so wise, why do you need a day or two to ponder on
> questions?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle is so wise _because_ it takes time to think before it
} speaks.
}
} Which, in this world, is quite unusual.


1451-05    (045f9 dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> PETA regards the death of an animal at the hands of humans as
> a tragedy, but not the death of an animal at the (paws?) of
> another animal.
>
> Would they therefore be ok with the beef industry if the
> cattle were slaughtered by releasing them in a pen with a
> lion (and then force the lion away to collect the kill)?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No. PETA members tend to be vegetarians. Carnivores (such as lions)
} seem to prefer eating vegetarian prey. The proper relationship between
} PETA members and carnivorous predators is obvious.


1451-07    (1468e dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and powerful Oracle...
>
> Hi, I'm The Internet Ocular.  I keep getting e-mails intended for you.
> It doesn't happen too often, so it's not a bother.  How do you want to
> go about dealing with this?  I could just forward them to you when I
> get them or would you like me to just collect them together into a
> digest?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Date: Mon, 06 Feb 12 13:43:54 -0500
} From: Internet Ocular
} Subject: Internet Ocular #0001-01
}
} Selected-By: Tim #1 (aka tim) <tim@tim.tim>
}
} The Internet Ocular has pondered your question deeply.
} Your question was:
}
} > The other day I saw a pirate dog, you know with a patch
} > and a wooden leg. My sister said, "Look at that dog with
} > one eye!" So I covered one eye and looked at it, but it
} > didn't really look all that different than when I viewed
} > it with one eye. What gives?
}
} And in response, thus spied the Ocular:
}
} } I see. Next time swagger up to the dog and say in your
} } best John Wayne voice, "Pilgrim, I know who done shot yer
} } Pa."
} }
} } You must see about giving The Ocular a salty dog, hold the
} } the scurvy.
}
} ------------------------------
}
} Date: Mon, 06 Feb 12 13:43:55 -0500
} From: Internet Ocular
} Subject: Internet Ocular #0001-02
}
} Selected-By: Tim #2 (aka tim) <timtim@timtim.tim>
}
} The Internet Ocular has pondered your question deeply.
} Your question was:
}
} > How does one get black eyed, peas?
}
} And in response, thus spied the Ocular:
}
} } Usually by fighting over chick peas.
}
} ------------------------------
}
} Date: Mon, 06 Feb 12 13:43:56 -0500
} From: Internet Ocular
} Subject: Internet Ocular #0001-03
}
} Selected-By: Tim #2 (aka tim) <timtim@timtim.tim>
}
} The Internet Ocular has pondered your question deeply.
} Your question was:
}
} > How can I catch the eye of that cute guy in Math class?
}
} And in response, thus spied the Ocular:
}
} } Practice your fly fishing and hook him in one of his big
} } blue peepers.
} }
} } You must see your way to giving the Ocular a nightcrawler.
}
} ------------------------------
}
} Date: Mon, 06 Feb 12 13:43:58 -0500
} From: Internet Ocular
} Subject: Internet Ocular #0001-04
}
} Selected-By: Tim #2 (aka tim) <timtim@timtim.tim>
}
} The Internet Ocular has pondered your question deeply.
} Your question was:
}
} > Deer InteRNUT Ocular,
} >
} > What doo you say to A man with A glass EYe named JOberinski?
}
} And in response, thus spied the Ocular:
}
} } Ask him what his other eye is called.
}
} ------------------------------
}
} Date: Mon, 06 Feb 12 13:43:59 -0500
} From: Internet Ocular
} Subject: Internet Ocular #0001-05
}
} Selected-By: Tim #1 (aka tim) <tim@tim.tim>
}
} The Internet Ocular has pondered your question deeply.
} Your question was:
}
} > I tried getting my husband some glasses, but he's still
} > not seeing things my way. What can I do?
}
} And in response, thus spied the Ocular:
}
} } Get an Eye-vorce.
}
} ------------------------------
}
} Date: Mon, 06 Feb 12 13:43:100 -0500
} From: Internet Ocular
} Subject: Internet Ocular #0001-07
}
} Selected-By: Tim #1 (aka tim) <tim@tim.tim>
}
} The Internet Ocular has pondered your question deeply.
} Your question was:
}
} > The sun! It's blinding me! I've been
} > decapitated and I'm face up in a wicker bucket!
} > What can I do?
}
} And in response, thus spied the Ocular:
}
} } Squint, while you're a head.
}
} ------------------------------
}
} Date: Mon, 06 Feb 12 13:43:101 -0500
} From: Internet Ocular
} Subject: Internet Ocular #0001-08
}
} Selected-By: Tim #1 (aka tim) <tim@tim.tim>
}
} The Internet Ocular has pondered your question deeply.
} Your question was:
}
} > What did the law pupil say to the judge?
}
} And in response, thus spied the Ocular:
}
} } Iris my case.
}
} ------------------------------
}
} Date: Mon, 06 Feb 12 13:43:102 -0500
} From: Internet Ocular
} Subject: Internet Ocular #0001-09
}
} Selected-By: Tim #2 (aka tim) <timtim@timtim.tim>
}
} The Internet Ocular has pondered your question deeply.
} Your question was:
}
} > I C U!
}
} And in response, thus spied the Ocular:
}
} } Me too.
} }
} } You must see your way to giving the Ocular a AOL CD.
}
} ------------------------------
}
} Date: Mon, 06 Feb 12 13:43:103 -0500
} From: Internet Ocular
} Subject: Internet Ocular #0001-10
}
} Selected-By: EYE N. Davis (aka end) <end@it.now>
}
} The Internet Ocular has pondered your question deeply.
} Your question was:
}
} > Can I wear glasses when I play contact sports?
}
} And in response, thus spied the Ocular:
}
} } Why not? People with only one bottom play tennis.
} }
} } Wait, that. Hmm. Sorry, I just got back from NYC.
} } I flew in on the Red Eye and boy are my arms covered
} } with vitreous fluid. Thank you! Thank you! I'll be
} } here all week! Be sure and tip the waitresses!
}
} ===================================================
} end
} ***************************************************


1464-10    (124i8 dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Spectabular Oracle, you inspire me to write false praise!
>
> Why do my sox get lost only one at a time? It's very frustrating.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Here are ten possible answers to your question:
}
} 1) One sock is sent out first to do recognisance.
}
} 2) Fifty percent of the time you do lose two socks at once, but when
} that happens you don't notice because instead of having one remaining
} sock, you simply have empty space.
}
} 3) Socks are most typically lost due to bad sock breakups, when one
} sock is kicked out of the apartment.
}
} 4) Socks are cannibals, and the first sock has eaten the second sock.
}
} 5) Sharks.
}
} 6) The law of conservation of wool states that socks are a closed
} system. Actually, this explains nothing. I'll throw in an 11th reason
} to make up for it.
}
} 7) Your right foot is significantly smellier than your left foot, so
} your right socks are running away.
}
} 8) Variation to number 7 is that your right foot has an exotic South
} American fungal infection that causes socks to slowly disintigrate.
}
} 9) Your significant other is playing tricks on you.
}
} 10) Your laundry machine is playing tricks on you.
}
} 11) Your right foot is playing tricks on you.
}
} P.S. At first I thought I might zot you for your faux grovel, but then
} I realized inspiring false praise is the highest form of praise I can
} ask for.  Keep up the good work.


1465-02    (046b8 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When the cat meows at me to do something (open a door, serve
> dinner, etc.) is it thinking "I'm communicating with another
> living being" or is it thinking "This is a machine that I
> can activate by meowing at it"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The cat's slave is thinking too much.
}
} Feed your cat.


1467-01    (04597 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How much money do you make in a year?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The plates last for about 600,000 impressions before they get sort of
} smudgy. I run the press about three hours a day, and it's kind of slow
} work, because each sheet of the special paper is hand-fed into the
} press. I get about 30 impressions an hour, and there are eight bills to
} a sheet. They then get fed, after drying, into the press for the other
} side. So you can figure on 15 sheets an hour throughput. So multiply by
} 24, and then by $10 (people are less likely to suspect $10 bills) and
} you get $3600 a day. But I only work about 120 days in a year, the rest
} of my time being spent answering damn-fool questions.
}
} So that's about $432,000 a year. Now the plates are good for maybe
} 20,000 hours of work, and a year's worth of printing is 30 x 3 x 120
} hours, or 10800 hours. As you can see, I have to replace the plates
} roughly every two years, but that's ok because the US Mint changes the
} design for the $10 note about that often.
}
} You owe the Oracle a set of twisty, little serial numbers, all
} different.


1472-06    (027e6 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have noticed a tendency in newswriting 2 use numerals in place of
> spelled-out numbers. For instance, 1 suspect was arrested 2 days after
> the crime while 2 more were arrested 3 days after, leading 2 a total
> of 3 suspects held 4 charges. Imagine the possibilities. Reporting of
> who 8 what at the mayor's 4some be4 the 10is match could be topped
> only by the drinks, even if be9, and the story about the mayor's 1 son
> who 1 the match and how he broke his 2th during his 4hand shot.
>
> How can we defend ourselves against this plague of digits?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Simple.  We must build upon the legacy of Victor Borge and inflate
} this misuse-of-language to the point where it becomes more economical
} to spell things out properly.  Clearly this cannot be done simply by
} adding one to each digit, but doubling is a fine place to start.
}
} We could begin fourday - cresixteening words never heard beeight - and
} wsixteen to see results fourmorrow.  We could then quadruple again
} until we twelveceed in zeroing in on the intwentyded outcome, putting
} the newswriters behind the sixteen ball and leaving them, if you will,
} fourthless.  When they are no longer able four use numerals in this
} asieighteen way, we'll know we've two - though perhaps by that time it
} will be five hundred twelve.
}
} You owe the Oracle a question he hasn't heard b4.


1452-04    (04ab8 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great Oracle, who knows more about psychology than Dr Phil:
>
> Do there exist people who have a fear of widths?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes.  We call them "narrow minded people."
}
} You owe The Oracle a double-wide trailer.


1454-02    (127c6 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise, great, and majestic Oracle. If i were to per chance run into
> your house with two sawed off shot-guns, +5 Silver Dragon Scale Mail,
> and a variety of other magical terrifying magical equipment, would a
> mere ZOT be able to stop me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Anyone that knows about those kind of weapons could be easily
} halted with the thing they fear most, a living female.
}
} You owe the Oracle a sub-basement with a view.


1475-07    (243d7 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise and superlatively well-rested,
>
> Why do babies sleep all day and spend their nights crying?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Heading off the competition.
}
} You owe the oracle non-prescription birth control glasses.


1451-09    (2578b dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle(TM) most wise and all knowing!
>
> If I ASCII a stupid question, do I get a stupid ANSI?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, actually, only an EBCDIC would ask that question.
}
} You owe The Oracle 7 bits.


1454-05    (039c4 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Almighty Oracle,
> In these days of unrest and fear due to the terrible financial crisis,
> I would like to ask if I should shave off my beard.
>
> Thank you

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You won't fetch much for it on a public exchange, but as a
} representative of the Delphi Financial Group, I may be able to broker a
} private trade.
}
} Please submit a sample of your beard to an approved rating agency. I
} recommend Standard & Poor, who are newcomers to the hair rating
} industry, but their Cheveaux division already has a reputation for
} providing excellent ratings.
}
} I will be able to offer you a standard price for your beard, depending
} on the rating it receives:
}
} AAA: Styling Grade
}     * AAA: the best quality beards, reliable and stable
}     * AA : quality beards, a bit more fluff than AAA
}     * A  : water quality can affect beard quality
}     * BBB: medium class beards, which are satisfactory at the moment
}
} Non-Styling Grade (also known as junk beards)
}     * BB : more prone to changes in water quality
}     * B  : beard quality varies noticeably
}     * CCC: currently vulnerable and dependent on care and treatment
}     * CC : highly vulnerable, very speculative beards
}     * C  : highly vulnerable, perhaps losing patches, or graying but
}            still continuing to grow
}     * CI : sparse and patchy beard
}     * R  : under spousal supervision due to its situation
}
} Of course, unless you're Richard Stallman, you're unlikely to receive
} an AAA rating.
}
} After we buy your beard, we will separate it into individual hairs and
} then package them together with thousands of other beards by length,
} color and quality. We encourage you to invest in your own beard for a
} guaranteed* profit. And hey, if you don't do it, your pension fund
} will!
}
} Thanks again for making DFG your hair investment service of choice, and
} don't forget to buy your pubic insurance, wig options, and hair loss
} swaps - the perfect way to diversify and reduce the risk of your
} portfolio!
}
} You owe Richard Stallman a shave and a haircut.
}
} *Profit guaranteed according to a mathematical formula that we read in
} a teen magazine. No actual guarantee is made by the Oracle, DFG, or any
} of their representatives.


1456-01    (02bc3 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How can you tell if a girl or a guy likes you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Guy who likes you: Beard or stubble, deep voice, adam's apple, male
} genitalia.
}
} Girl who likes you: Little or no trace of beard, high voice, female
} genitalia.
}
} Look, if you're having trouble discerning which is which, you have more
} troubles than you need.
}
} The Oracle owes you a security blanket.


1457-01    (24678 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> All right, I know you hate doing dream interpretation, but you've gotta
> see this one. This time I captured an actual piece of dialogue from one
> of my dreams. It's this: YOU'LL GET IT WHEN YOU SEE GREENS STUCCO
> PAINTROOM COMPLETE WITH THE PAINT GO FRAUD. I put it in all caps
> because I couldn't figure out how to punctuate it. I don't know who was
> saying it. It was probably directed at me.
>
> Does it make any sense to you? For instance, does it support the theory
> that dreaming is like watching a garbage-collection algorithm run, and
> whatever words or images come along are just stuff that was hanging
> around in the deepths of the short-term memory, appearing as each chunk
> of memory gets freed up?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I hate to disappoint you, but you're merely the victim of crossed
} messages.  What you heard was part of a wiretap recording made during
} an FBI investigation of suspected Mafia kingpin Bruno "Failed Grovel"
} Pastrami. Pastrami was discussing the details of a plan to defraud
} customers with a phony house painting business.  His accomplice,
} Bernard "Unimaginative Nickname" Shaw, was asking when he would be
} paid for another job, and Pastrami assured him that the next bogus
} paint job, and the payment for same, would be delivered by their
} intermediary contact, Jimmy "Soylent" Greens. Pastrami's answer, and
} Shaw's enthusiasm, makes more sense with proper parsing:
}   "You'll get it when you see 'Greens'."
}   "Stucco paintroom?"
}   "Complete with the paint!"
}   "Go fraud!"
}
} It was this last ill-advised outburst from overenthusiastic Shaw that
} enabled the FBI to convict Pastrami and his gang.
}
} Getting back to your question, dreams are for the most part your
} brain's desperate attempt to get your attention on an urgent crisis
} that may be a matter of life and death. The message you should have
} received was:
}
} SHIMMERING MONKEYS LAMBADA PASTE BOILING KITTENS
}
} I hope that clears everything up for you.
}
} You owe the Oracle a clever, but menacing-sounding, Mafia nickname.


1461-04    (157h6 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> QUICK!!! I'm about to enter the finals in the International
> Paper/Scissors/Rock competition! What will my opponent's
> sequence of choices be?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 'Limited'.
}
} You owe the Oracle something accurate, but unhelpful. Yesterday's
} weather report, for example.


1463-01    (13a97 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, please tell me if Frank Lehnen will be a faithful boyfriend.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I have no reason to suspect that Frank Lehnen is inherently
} unfaithful, but due to the curse of human free will (I was completely
} against that idea, by the way) I can not be sure how he will behave in
} all potential circumstances. The only way to verify his future
} faithfulness will be to put him to some kind of test, similar to the
} plot of the 1998 David Schwimmer vehicle (one of the so-called "Friends
} Films") Kissing a Fool. If you haven't seen it, it's a charming romcom
} co-starring My Name is Earl's Jason Lee where one friend asks the other
} friend to seduce a woman in order to prove (or disprove) her loyalty.
}
} To aid you in your quest, I will take on the form of a beautiful woman
} and approach Frank Lehnen in the supermarket.
}
} * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
}
} ORACLE: Hi, there.
}
} FRANK LEHNEN: Oh... Um, hello.
}
} ORACLE: I'm a beautiful woman.
}
} FRANK LEHNEN: Uh, right, yes.
}
} ORACLE: Can you tell me if these melons are ripe?
}
} FRANK LEHNEN: Excuse me?
}
} ORACLE: Perhaps you can tell by how firm they feel.
}
} FRANK LEHNEN: No, that's a myth. With watermelons you want one that is
} free of dents, bruises, and cuts. If stripes are found all around the
} melon, it's just not ready yet.
}
} ORACLE: Oh, okay. Um... Would you like to check my melons?
}
} FRANK LEHNEN: Maybe you should find someone who works here.
}
} ORACLE: I'd so much rather you do it.
}
} FRANK LEHNEN: I'm kind of in a hurry, ma'am.
}
} ORACLE: Ma'am? Did you just call me ma'am? I'm a beautiful woman and
} I'm obviously coming on to you.
}
} FRANK LEHNEN: I have a girlfriend.
}
} ORACLE: So, ditch her. [Singing] Don't you wish your girlfriend was
} hot like me?
}
} FRANK LEHNEN: Look, you're a lovely woman but I'm just not interested.
}
} ORACLE: Not your type?M-  NOT YOUR TYPE?M-  I'LL SHOW YOU NOT YOUR
} TYPE.
}
} ****ZOT!!!****
}
} * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
}
} Well, I've got good news and bad news.


1465-08    (15788 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is simpler always better?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No.
}
} But it sure worked this time.


1466-03    (04885 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When Julius Ceaser fought the Gharlic Wars who one?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is a long and complicated topic.  The Gharlic Wars were waged
} against many tribes, for example the Parmesans and the Croutons (their
} staple was a dry, toasted bread, thus their lending their name to the
} food).  The Gharlics were numerous small, but powerful.  They were
} known for a single unit (called a "clove") overwhelming everything in
} their path.
}
} But Cesar, oh, Cesar!  Did he have an idea.  He surrounded the
} Gharlics with Roman legions (called Romaines) and mixed them all up
} with the Parmesans and the Croutons.  Of course, Cesar depending on
} his most ablest commander, Maximus Anchiovus, to bind it all together.
}
} In honor of the victory, of course, Cesar had his chef make a salad to
} commemorate this victory.
}
} That's chef name was Waldorf, and that's how we got the Waldorf Salad.
}
} You owe the Oracle a nice green salad with Hidden Valley Ranch
} dressing.


1467-05    (037b4 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I am a scientist working for the Health Ministry, and I have been
> tasked with reducing sodium in food. Because my degree is in political
> science, I am not quite as well versed in chemistry as I perhaps
> should be, so I turn to you for advice.
>
> We are planning a 50% reduction in sodium in food, to be voted and
> put into place by late 2011. It has been pointed out to me that salt,
> NaCl, is half sodium, so that is the obvious place to start.
>
> The legislation I shall be writing will recommend a phased
> implementation of reduced-sodium salt. By October 2012 half of the salt
> sold in stores must be NaCl2, and by 2015 there will be a complete
> changeover to NaCl2, and the introduction of NaCl3 and NaCl5 will
> commence. The result will be a proportionate reduction of the sodium
> in salt.
>
> We are hearing from salt-industry spokesmen that what we propose
> is impossible. Well, of course, nothing is impossible if the right
> incentives are applied.
>
> How can I convince the salt companies to produce NaCl2, NaCl3 and
> NaCl5?  We can have government laboratories assist them in the project,
> but our Chief Government Scientist admits he also does not know how
> to make NaCl2, not yet. He recommends massive funding. I do not want
> to resort to punitive measures, but such a threat will always remain
> available, to ensure that acceptable results are obtained.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Okay, non-grovelling "scientist" person. Here's what I'll do for you.
}
} Let me tell you- one shouldn't try and change the amount of Cl in
} salt. Your assistants can work on that for years, driven forward by
} the thought of fame, glory and free pizza, but you need a result now,
} or at least before the next election, so you can claim  all the credit
} for it.
}
} You need to change the amount of Na in all the food people eat. The
} best way to do that is to go after the densest concentration of
} Na in food. The humble banana. Just look at that! 66% of it is Na,
} and if you multiply that by the number of them eaten every day- why,
} the arteries clang at the very thought.
}
} So- you have two options: Ban bananas on the grounds of public health
} (would be unpopular amongst the general public, fruit companies,
} and non-human primates) Or if you want to remain popular- Gradually
} reduce the amount of Na in the banana. Rename it gradually, first to
} the bana, and then the ba.
}
} I'm sure you see the logic of the situation. Then, once you have
} eliminated the Na from the banana, you can then get to work on
} the other hidden sources of Na in our lives, like songs with snappy
} choruses, undefined numbers in spreadsheets and females whose children
} have children.
}
} You owe the oracle an element of surprise.


1471-06    (14777 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Yes!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Splendid!  Now just sign and date here, here, here, here, and over
} there - good - thumbprint here - excellent.  Yes, that is blood; Legal
} insists on it.  Don't let it worry you.  Here's your payment and
} receipt; please remember that the sale is final and irreversible.
}
} Now go enjoy your profits!  It's not like you were using the thing
} anyway.


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