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Best of Internet Oracularities #1476-1500

Goto:
1476-1500, 1489-05, 1500-01, 1479-01, 1481-07, 1486-02, 1491-03, 1494-10, 1477-07, 1482-02, 1493-04, 1479-06, 1484-07, 1484-08, 1485-07


Best of Internet Oracularities #1476-1500    (3.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 9 Oct 2012 08:30:11 -0400

Oracularities are the distilled wisdom and sagacity of the Internet
Oracle, as incarnated in its many anonymous e-mail participants.
This collection has been compiled from the regular Oracularities postings
#1476 through #1500 and contains the Oracularities rated by its readers
as among the funniest.

To find out more about the Internet Oracle, send mail to
oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line to
receive the Oracle helpfile, or go to http://www.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/
or http://www.internetoracle.org/

The regular Oracularities postings can be found at the website above or
in the Usenet newsgroup rec.humor.oracle.  Open discussion about the
Internet Oracle occurs in the newsgroup rec.humor.oracle.d.  If your
site doesn't carry these newsgroups, contact your news administrator
about starting them, or see the Oracle helpfile about subscribing to
the Oracularities e-mail distribution list.


1489-05    (006b8 dist, 4.1 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Should I play it safe and ask the plain but nice girl to
> the homecoming dance, or should I throw caution to the
> wind and ask the slutty cheerleader?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I should tell you right off that you should never throw Caution to the
} wind.  Caution is a mean dog and would probably bite your hand off if
} you try.
}
} Now, that said, there are many possibilities for who to ask to a
} homecoming dance, depending on what troubles you may encounter.  Only
} the Oracle can sort out the possibilities to find the best mate for
} you.
}
} 1.  What if you have a flat tyre?  This is a common scenario for any
} homecoming.  The slutty cheerleader seems to be the obvious choice
} since she could get the nearest man to change the tyre for her,
} however the nearest man is most likely you.  The plain but nice girl,
} on the other hand, has farming experience and can change it herself.
} Score for the plain but nice girl.
}
} 2.  What if you get into an argument with an arts student?  This is a
} common scenario for any homecoming.  The plain but nice girl may be a
} black belt in ninja, but that doesn't help against the inane drivel of
} an arts student.  The slutty cheerleader has a secret obsession with
} Nietzsche and will convince the arts student that life has no meaning
} and should be ended by suicide.  Score for the slutty cheerleader.
}
} 3.  What if you get bitten in the leg by a snake?  This is a common
} scenario for any homecoming.  In this situation the slutty cheerleader
} will use her surprisingly developed throat muscles to suck out the
} poison, and then use rags ripped from the t-shirt of the dead arts
} student to tie off the leg and cut off the poison's circulation.
} Score for the slutty cheerleader.
}
} 4.  What if the homecoming gets attacked by soviet agents dressed as
} clowns?  This is a common scenario for any homecoming.  I swear, the
} exact same thing happened at the homecoming of one of my priests.
}
} The soviet agents will strike with three vectors.  Through the front
} door, through the side window and through the roof.  Minutes before
} they strike the slutty cheerleader will get a phone call.
}
} "Oui?" you hear through the music.  You see her speak softly into the
} phone before she looks at you and says "We must go."
}
} As you're fleeing she will look at you and say "There's something I
} haven't told you about me.  I'm secretly an agent for the French
} Intelligence."  Shivers creep down your spine as she withdraws a gun
} from between the folds of her dress.
}
} A shout comes from the front door.  "We must go through the back!"
} shouts the slutty cheerleader, running with your hand in hers,
} stepping over the dead body of the arts student.
}
} As you walk through the back door a car pulls up.  "Mademoiselle!"
} the driver shouts.  "I'm so sorry I'm late.  I had a flat tyre.
} Luckily a plain but nice girl who didn't have a dance for homecoming
} was there to help change it for me!"
}
} The slutty cheerleader looks into your eyes and says "thank you for
} asking me to the dance."  She gives you a slight kiss on the lips
} before entering the car.  You will never see her again, but for the
} rest of your life you will never forget that kiss.
}
} If you were with the plain but nice girl she will try to fight the
} agents but, through numbers and force, will fail.  The both of you
} will get beaten up before being sent home.  She will be so angry that
} she will have rough sex with you.  Score for the plain but nice girl.
}
} What?  It's a draw?  Damnation.  Just call an escort agency and be done
} with it.


1500-01    (1064c dist, 4.1 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> May I see your artistic license and registration, please?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why soitenly, ossifer.
}
}    ----------------------------------------------------
}   |                  ARTISTIC LICENSE                  |
}   |                  State of Indiana                  |
}   |                                                    |
}   |  Name: T. Internet Oracle                          |
}   |  Date of Birth: Aeons ago                          |
}   |  Residence address: IU Campus (just ask around)    |
}   |                                                    |
}   |  Additional licenses registered: Dramatic, Poetic  |
}   |                                                    |
}   |  Memes Granted: ADV  Adventure game program        |
}   |                 INJ  Lisa and other In-Jokes       |
}   |                 MPY  Monty Python                  |
}   |                 NHK  Nethack                       |
}   |                 STR  Star Trek / Star Wars         |
}   |                 YOT  You Owe The Oracle            |
}   |                 ZOT  Staff of *ZOT*                |
}   |  Restrictions:  ELP  English language primarily    |
}   |                 OLU  Online use only               |
}   |                 RHO  No rhyming with "orange"      |
}   |                                                    |
}   |  Expiration date:  6/31/2012   Renewable: Yes      |
}    ----------------------------------------------------
}
} Look, if this is about that El Caro response in the recent
} Digest, I can explain.  Well, no, I can't, but it won't
} happen again.  Though it's certainly covered by my license,
} since it was mainly English and not really Spanish at all.
}
} I know, I know, my disbelief was suspended long ago.  But
} that doesn't affect what I like to call this license to ill.
}
} Yes, I know there is no 31st of June.  What?  Yes, obviously,
} I didn't get this license from any official source - I put
} it together myself, duh, and I'm not going to spell out the
} details of how I did it.  Which part of "artistic license"
} are you not getting?  Can I just be moving along now?  You
} have no idea how angry I can get when I'm writing drunk.
} Oops, probably shouldn't have said that.
}
} You owe the Oracle the number of a good WUI lawyer.


1479-01    (11288 dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is poop so funny?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Zen Buddhists answered this question long ago with their famous koans.
}
} 1. The first principle of poop is that there is no poop.
}
} 2. What is the sound of one man crapping?
}
} 3. A monk asked Zhaozhou to teach him. Zhaozhou asked, "Have you
} eaten your meal?" The monk replied, "Yes, I have." "Then go wash
} your bowl", said Zhaozhou. At a moment approximately twelve hours
} later, the monk was enlightened.
}
} 4. A monk asked Zhaozhou, "Does a dog have Buddha nature or not?".
} Zhaozhou said, "make sure you have a bag and a scooper with you
} when you study this question".
}
} 5. Two monks were watching a flag flapping in the wind. One said to
} the other, "The flag is moving." The other replied, "The wind is
} moving." Huineng overheard this. He said, "Not the flag, not the
} wind; my bowels are moving. Well, I guess wind too. Sorry."
}
} 7. When Banzan was walking through a market he overheard conversation
} between a butcher and his customer. "Give me the best piece of meat
} you have," said the customer. "Everything in my shop is the best,"
} replied the butcher, "you cannot find here any piece of meat that
} is not the best. Besides, by the time you drop a deuce it has all
} become the same anyway." At these words Banzan became enlightened.
}
} 6. A senior monk Jo asked Rinzai, "What is the essence of Buddhism?"
} Rinzai came down from his seat, grabbed him by the lapels, slapped
} him and thrust him away, asking "why did you get the numbering of
} these koans out of order, you stupid piece of excrement?"
}
} 8. After Bankei had passed away, a blind man who lived near the
} master's temple told a friend: "Since I am blind, I cannot watch
} a person's face, so I must judge his character by the sound of his
} voice. Ordinarily when I hear someone congratulate another upon
} his happiness or success, I also hear a secret tone of envy. When
} condolence is expressed for the misfortune of another, I hear
} pleasure and satisfaction, as if the one consoling was really
} glad there was something left to gain in his own world. In
} all my experience, however, Bankei's voice was always sincere.
} Whenever he expressed happiness, I heard nothing but happiness, and
} whenever he expressed sorrow, sorrow was all I heard. And when he
} pooped, goodness gracious, he certainly let the whole neighborhood
} know."
}
} You owe the Oracle that which you can never bestow, in order that
} you may keep what you never will have.


1481-07    (02639 dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> /usr/games/fortune oraclewisdom-o

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} % /usr/games/fortune oraclewisdom-o
} Woodchucks should be hemorrhoids, they're such pains in the ass.
}
} % /usr/games/fortune oraclewisdom-o
} Mortals are born naked, wet, and hungry.  Then things get worse:
} they discover The Internet Oracle's web address, and start
} bugging him with null questions day and night.
}
} % /usr/games/fortune oraclewisdom-o
} You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you
} can't pick your friend's nose.  Unless you're Zadoc.
}
} % /usr/games/fortune oraclewisdom-o
} Water?  Never touch the stuff!  Fish supplicate in it.
}      -- W. C. Fields
}
} % /usr/games/fortune oraclewisdom-o
} The three greatest lies in the world are:
}      (1) The check is in the mail.
}      (2) I'll pull out just before.
}      (3) Oh Oracle, most wise...
}
} % /usr/games/fortune oraclewisdom-o
} Women's Libbers are OK.  I just wouldn't want Lisa to marry one.
}
} % /usr/games/fortune oraclewisdom-o
} Which of the following doesn't belong?
}      a. eggs
}      b. drum
}      c. meat
}      d. a good zotting.
}    Answer:
}      d:  A good zotting.  Because you can beat your eggs, drum,
}          or meat, but you just can't beat a good zotting.
}
} % /usr/games/fortune oraclewisdom-o
} The more I learn about humans, the more I love my dog.
}
} % /usr/games/fortune oraclewisdom-o
} "Logic and practical information do not seem to apply here."
} "You admit that?"
} "To deny the facts would be illogical, Doctor"
} "We'll make an Oracular incarnation out of you yet."
}      -- Spock and McCoy, "A Piece of the Action", stardate unknown
}
} % /usr/games/fortune oraclewisdom-o
} The pleasure is transitory, the effort prohibitive, and the
} results misunderstood and ignored.
}      -- Disraeli, on incarnating
}
} % /usr/games/fortune oraclewisdom-o
} Just another Saturday night with Lisa the sysadmin...
}      touch;finger;find;flex;unzip;mount;split; \
}      fsck;yes;gasp;fsck;yes;fsck;gasp; \
}      eject;umount;make clean;zip;done;exit
}
} % /usr/games/fortune oraclewisdom-o
} A responsive young boy from the East
} In bed was an able artiste.
}      He had learned two positions
}      From the family physician,
} And ten more from Oracular priests.
}
} % /usr/games/fortune oraclewisdom-o
} The Internet Oracle is like sex:  when he is good, he is very,
} very good; and when he is bad, he is still better than nothing.
}
} % /usr/games/fortune oraclewisdom-o
} You owe the Oracle some new ones.


1486-02    (3014a dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Moo.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} At End Of Road
} You are standing at the end of a road before a wooden building.
} Around you is pasture.  A small stream flows out of the building and
} down a gully.
}
} > Moo.
} You are inside a building, a barn for a family farm.  A small stream
} flows from it out the door.
} There is some tasty hay here.
}
} > Moo.
} You eat the hay.  It is delicious.
}
} > Moo.
} I see no hay.
}
} > Moo.
} There is no more hay here.
}
} > Moo.
} Seriously, there is no hay.  You ate it.  Try something else.
}
} > Moo.
} You have taken a drink from the stream.  The water tastes strongly}
} of minerals, but is not unpleasant.  It is extremely cold.
}
} > Moo.
} The stream flows out through a pair of 1 foot diameter sewer pipes.
} The only exit is to the west.
}
} > Moo.
} At End Of Road
}
} > Moo.
} You are in a twisty pasture with dried manure, all alike.
}
} > Moo.
} You are in a twisty pasture with dried manure, all alike.
} There is some tasty hay here.
}
} > Moo.
} You eat the hay.  It is delicious.
} You are in a twisty pasture with dried manure, all alike.
}
} > Moo.
} You are in a twisty pasture with dried manure, all alike.
}
} > Moo.
} You are in a twisty pasture with dried manure, all alike.
} There is some tasty hay here.
}
} > Moo.
} You eat the hay.  It is delicious.
} You are in a twisty pasture with dried manure, all alike.
}
} > Moo.
} Slaughterhouse Entrance
} You are outside the door of a large forbidding looking building.
} If you enter, you are likely to become somebody's lunch.
}
} > Moo.
} Inside Slaughterhouse
} You hear a sudden and brief sharp noise.
} Oh dear, you seem to have gotten yourself killed.  I might be able
} to help you out, but I've never really done this before.  Do you
} want me to try to reincarnate you?
}
} > Moo.
} Okay, quitting.  Pass the ketchup.
}    *** You have died ***
} In this game you scored 5 out of a possible 350 points, earning
} you the rank of Hamburger.
}
} You owe the Oracle a whole wheat bun, pickle slices, and a napkin.


1491-03    (016a9 dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You remember my earlier question; I think I accidently typed "she"
> when I meant "he"; how does this change your answer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It doesn't change it much.  You can explain to the heriff
} that your PTSD was caused by hellfire, which resulted in
} the henanigans your neighbor Heila reported, and hope that
} he will put the whole heaf of paperwork on the helf so you
} don't experience a legal hellacking.
}
} Then tell Heila you are feeling quite heepish about the
} whole hebang, and offer a bowl of herbet, and perhaps a
} glass of herry in the helter of your hed until you are
} both three heets to the wind.  If he refuses, tough hit,
} Herlock.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Hetland pony and a German Hepherd.


1494-10    (01648 dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hi, what are the main pros and cons to our current most popular
> presidential candidates?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thank you for your question, Comrade.  Here they are:
}
} Candidate     Pros                         Cons
} -------------------------------------------------------------------
} Vladimir    | Gained vast experience   | Served third term posing  |
} Putin       | during first two terms   | as a man named "Medvedev" |
} -------------------------------------------------------------------
} Gennady     | Stands firm against      | Widely suspected of being |
} Zyuganov    | aggressive imperialists  | a dirty Commie            |
} -------------------------------------------------------------------
} Mikhail     | Rich as stink; can pay   | Owns a NASCAR team, two   |
} Prokhorov   | for military by himself  | Cadillacs, and a mafia    |
} -------------------------------------------------------------------
} Vladimir    | Leader of Liberal-       | Is neither liberal nor    |
} Zhirinovsky | Democratic Party         | democratic                |
} -------------------------------------------------------------------
} Sergei      | Basically the Dennis     | But not quite as          |
} Mironov     | Kucinich of Russia       | influential               |
} -------------------------------------------------------------------
} Ivan        | Proponent of peace       | Knocked out by Rocky      |
} Drago       | through strengthsky      |                           |
} -------------------------------------------------------------------
} Mister      | Not bound by our         | Running mate Mister       |
} Mxyzptlk    | physical laws            | Kltpzyxm drags the ticket |
} -------------------------------------------------------------------
} Ron         | Advocates free market,   | Viewed as a bit of a      |
} Paul        | international restraint  | dyedooshka here too       |
} -------------------------------------------------------------------
}
} You owe the Oracle a hanging chadsky.


1477-07    (1279a dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> No it wasn't; why do you ask?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Most Brainy and Brilliant Oracle,
}
} I can't remember - was my time machine switched off before I went to
} bed last night?


1482-02    (03358 dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A few moments earlier...
}
} > O wise and powerful Oracle,
} >
} > Is this gun loa-*BANG*
}
} And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
} Yes, and WATCH OU- ... oh no. Zadoc! Go set up the time
} machine. No no, the ultra-light-duty one, just a few seconds
} will be enough, there's a good lad. I'll handle a couple
} hundred new questions that just came in, while I'm waiting ...
} Hm, hm, so what could be taking him? A few seconds should
} take only a few, well, seconds, though it's not linear - ah,
} here we go.
}
} > > /usr/games/fortune oraclewisdom-o
}
} No no, Zadoc, that was from almost an hour ago, just a FEW
} seconds, ten at most. Try again.
}
} > Hm, hm, so what could be taking him? A few seconds should
}
} No, you numbskull, not ten seconds ago from NOW, ten seconds
} before the FIRST time I asked you. If you'd done it properly
} in the first place... oh bloody zot, I really need to get
} around to placing that help-wanted advert. Hm, hm, ... here
} it comes, is this it?
}
} > O wise and powerful Oracle,
}
} There, that's the one. WATCH OUT, POINT THAT THING AWAY FROM ...
}
} > Is this gun loa-*BANG*-ded, HOLY CRIPES, I could have hurt
} > someone ... gee, thanks, Oracle!
}
} Don't mention it. To answer your question, yes it is. And
} to answer what you didn't ask, that "someone" was almost you.
}
} You owe the Oracle some spackling compound for the new hole
} in his wall, and a book containing the rules of Russian
} Roulette.
}
} > Say, wise and powerful Oracle, as long as I have you on
} > the line, can I ask you another question?
}
} May. Obviously you can, but yes, you may.
}
} You owe the Oracle a nickel, since it was an easy question,
} though improperly phrased.
}
} > But I ... oh, all right. O wise and powerful Oracle, MAY
} > I ask you another question, NOT COUNTING this one?
}
} Yes, but no.
}
} You owe the Oracle another nickel. They ALL count.
}
} > Argh! OK, OK. O wise and powerful Oracle, my other question
} > is this, how many bullets does this gun hold?
}
} Just one.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new computer with a spreadsheet program,
} to help keep track of bullets and so forth.
}
} > A computer?!? Why is that a fair price for an easy question
} > when the other times you charged me a nickel???
}
} The Oracle decides what's fair, and what's easy. Not you,
} Supplicant.
}
} You owe the Oracle a nickel. Another easy one.
}
} > Then how do I go about applying for a refund? I would have
} > just looked for myself, to find out, if I knew it would cost
} > me a computer! I can't afford a new computer even for myself!
}
} No refunds.
}
} You owe the Oracle a nickel.
}
} > YOU JERK! Okay, so you answer questions? Yeah, that's one,
} > and here's the followup, try it on for size, doofus: How much
} > wood would a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood???
}
} Here, let me see that.
}
} *BANG*
}
} Well, will you look at that, now it holds zero.
}
} The Oracle owes you last rites.


1493-04    (1513b dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is the cake a lie?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                          The Hardly Boys
}                                in
}                     The Pusillanimous Portal
}
} Chapter 1
}
} Joe Hardly stared at his darker-haired older brother.  "What
} does pusillanimous even mean, Frank?  It sounds dirty."
}
} "Got me," Frank Hardly said to his younger, lighter-haired
} brother, "they just come up with the title and we go with
} it.  Anyway, I have a hunch that Dad has been kidnapped by
} spies."
}
} "Why would he be kidnapped?" asked the blond younger brother
} Joe Hardly.  "Maybe he's just out on a case.  Or maybe he went
} to the bank - I saw him making goo-goo eyes at that new female
} secretary the other day - imagine that, women working in
} banks nowadays.  Besides, he's only been gone for ten minutes."
}
} "I told you.  It's a HUNCH.  Let's go," exclaimed the older
} yet much browner-haired Frank Hardly.
}
} The two boys, both hirsute but the younger with much lighter-
} hued tresses than the elder, ran outside to their motorcycles,
} which they had bought with the 'reward' money earned in their
} previous adventure, "The Case Of The Suspiciously Friendly Old
} Man Down At The End Of High Street At The Other End From Where
} They Live."
}
} Their speedometers crept to twenty-five, as they raced madly
} across town.  When they reached Barmet Bay, they stopped.
} "Where are we headed, anyway?" blond Joe Hardly asked.
}
} "I don't know," brown-haired Frank Hardly said sheepishly.
}
} "Let's try the old Aperture Science building, back in Bayport
} on Shore Road.  I happened to see Dad left the phone book open
} to the 'S' page - maybe he was giving us a clue that the
} kidnappers took him there."
}
} "Or maybe he had just recently phoned that guy at the Comic
} Relief Defective Agency, Oscar Smuff."
}
} "Look, I can have hunches too, can't I?" said light-haired
} Joe.
}
} "Fine, fine, have it your own way.  Let the baby have his
} bottle, wah wah.  Let's go.  And, can we drop all the
} references to our hair for a while?" said the non-descript
} Frank Hardly.
}
} "Suits me fine and dandy," said the equally non-descript, yet
} not totally similar looking, Joe Hardly.
}
} "Smuff," Frank laughed cruelly.  "Is that even a real name?
} It sounds dirty.  Pusillanimous, even."
}
} Chapter 2
}
} Frank and Joe Hardly hopped off their motorcycles when they
} reached Shore Road.  "Look, we'd better get into the plot.
} This was supposed to be about that Portal Xbox game," stated
} Frank Hardly.
}
} Chapter 3
}
} The.
}
} Chapter 4
}
} "Do you suppose this old Aperture Science factory is haunted,
} like in a 1930's movie?" his brother Joe asked nervously.
}
} "Creepy old houses are haunted; factories are where the bad
} guys hang out, especially abandoned factories.  Get your memes
} straight," chided Frank.  "Oh, and we're only in the *1920s*.
} And finally, you don't start a chapter without an antecedent,
} for instance if you say 'his brother'."
}
} "Right, right," said Joe meekly.
}
} They tried the door handle and it opened with a creak.  They
} walked in, and after they took two steps, the door banged
} shut behind them.  They tried the handle in the pitch dark,
} and to their horror it was locked from outside now.  Clearly
} OSHA needed to come take a look at matters.
}
} A bone-chilling shriek chilled the boys nearly to the bone.
}
} "Sorry, I thought this was a Nancy Drool story for a moment,"
} Joe apologized.  "I panicked."
}
} "The writers are the same broads, for all the series," Frank
} observed wryly, forgetting he was still in scene.  "Franklin
} W. Bulwer, and Carolyn Lytton, my foot.  Too bad the publisher
} doesn't give more than 24 hours to crank these stories out.
} Practically an Internet Oracularity, these things."
}
} Frank fumbled for a moment in the dark, then snapped on his
} portable electric headlamp.
}
} "*ALL* headlamps are portable, doofus," Joe corrected.
} "Besides, why the h-e-double-toothpicks do you just happen
} to have one with you?"
}
} "It's part of the Defectives' Code, which Dad made us swear
} to, remember?  'Always bring a headlamp when entering a
} haunted factory.'"
}
} "Hah.  You said haunted, Shinola head.  It's abandoned."
}
} "Fudge you....  hey look, we're trapped.  No way out of this
} empty room."
}
} "Then I guess that's why I brought this handheld portal device,
} which Dad gave to us last week but didn't explain why."
}
} "Portable portals?  Say that fast, five times," Frank kidded.
}
} "That.  That.  That.  That.  That.  Gimme ten bucks," Joe
} responded.  Frank grudgingly handed over their standard bet.
}
} Joe aimed the device, which was handheld and was used to create
} portals, and pushed the button.
}
} Immediately a blue portal, created by the handheld device that
} Joe held in his hand, opened up in the far wall.  Or maybe it
} was orange.  Through it, the boys could see various devices,
} and in the distance could be seen the outline of a large cube.
}
} "Looks safe enough," Joe said, and jumped through.
}
} "What do you see?" Frank called through the blue portal, or
} perhaps it was orange.
}
} "Mostly devices," Joe replied through his side of the orange
} portal, or maybe blue, "not many of them handheld.  I'd guess
} they're plot devices.  And some cubes."
}
} Frank jumped through, joining his blond brother.  The portal
} disappeared behind him as he arrived.  "How did it know to
} wait until I used it too, before it closed?"
}
} "I had the setting on '2'," Joe said.  "And I thought we
} weren't going to mention the hair thing anymore."
}
} "My bad.  Hey, what's that over there?"
}
} The boys were interrupted by a disembodied voice, which was
} reasonable since there weren't any other bodies nearby except
} their own.
}
} "Unbelievable.  You, Frank and Joe Hardly, must be the pride
} of Bayport. ... Ah, I see we fixed that bug where the names
} and the home town weren't being properly rendered.  Sweet.
} This was a triumph.  I'm making a note here: HUGE SUCCESS.
} It's hard to overstate my satisfaction."
}
} "Set that to music and I'll dance to it," Joe commented.
}
} "Pride of Bayport?  And how.  Chief Collig and Biff Hooper
} think we're pretty swell," Frank said.  In a stage-whisper
} aside to his brother, he snickered "Biff?  Really?!?  That's
} his first name?  Lucky he's not Oscar Smuff's kid."
}
} "And Iola Morton," Joe chimed in, "she thinks I'm the bee's
} knees too.  I'm about to get to second base with that one,
} and soon, and maybe after that I'll prove to her that I'm a
} natural blond, and show her my *own* 'Pride of Bayport', if
} I do say so myself."
}
} "You leave Iola out of this," the digitally enhanced voice
} threatened, although being disembodied it didn't really have
} a way to shake a fist or anything.
}
} "I think that disembodied yet digitally enhanced voice sounds
} strangely familiar," Frank said thoughtfully.
}
} "I think so too, I think," Joe said after a moment's thought.
}
} Suddenly Frank was toppled by a heavy yet fat person dropping
} down on him, probably from the ceiling or a rafter, no wait,
} one of those cat walks that haunted factories always have.
}
} "Abandoned," Joe reminded, "not haunted."
}
} Definitely from above, in any case.
}
} "Jeepers, Chet!" Frank wheezed, "it can't be anybody but you.
} Get off of me.  I can't breathe.  You must weigh a ton."
}
} "I'm only 130 pounds," Chet Morton, the fat butt of their
} gang's good-natured jokes and ribbings and criminal
} harassment, said in a hurt tone of voice.
}
} "Yeah, 130.  In base 16," Joe said.  "I'M FINE!" he added
} irrelevantly.
}
} "Shoot him," Frank said, "use that handheld device you've
} been holding in your hand."
}
} Joe aimed the handheld portal device squarely at the round
} figure on top of his brother.  "It's not working!" he
} exclaimed.
}
} "Safety is one of many Enrichment Center goals.  You can't
} hurt me with it," Chet Morton gloated.
}
} "Or maybe it's because you're aiming squarely and he's round,"
} said Frank.  "Never mind.  Throw one of those giants cubes at
} him."
}
} Joe did so, but the object passed through Chet Morton as
} though not even real.  "It's not even real," the guy they
} called Stringbean and Einstein behind his back and sometimes
} to his face said gloatingly.
}
} Joe looked around desperately.  In desperation, he noticed
} a three-layer chocolate cake on a serving plate.  With no
} other options, he hurled the cake desperately at their
} ex-chum.
}
} The desperate heave struck the medically obese ex-chum
} directly in the face, knocking him off of Frank.  The
} selfish tub of lard then greedily began eating the pieces
} of cake that lay about him.
}
} "That really was a cake," he gloated.  "No lie."
}
} "I was afraid it might be just a trendy rock band from
} Sacramento," said Joe.
}
} "Stop gloating," Frank said, "we've beaten you, Chet."
}
} "I'm not Chet.  I'm CHeT," said Chet, no longer gloating.
}
} "That's what Frank said," Joe said.
}
} "Do you always have to interrupt?" Frank complained.  "I
} can speak for myself.  It's not like it's super tedious if
} I get to speak twice in a row, once in a blue moon.  But
} yeah, you're name is Chet, that's what I said."
}
} "That's what *I* said," Joe grumbled sotto voce.
}
} "No.  CHeT stands for Continuous Heterodyne Test, or some
} technical sounding name, they never quite told me.  I'm
} a computer.  Oops, robot, a robot from Mars - this is,
} what, 1927?  And now you've defeated me, and all of
} Aperture Science.  We did what we must because we could.
} For the good of all of us.  Except the ones who are dead.
} Which now includes us.  Oh well, no use crying over every
} mistake, you just keep trying, 'til you run out of...."
}
} And with that, ChEt or cheT or whatever, turned himself
} off.
}
} "Didn't catch that last word, what was it?  Sake?  That's
} just Japanese rice wine.  Must have been 'steak'.  Anyway,
} kind of catchy; someone should put that to music too,"
} Joe commented with a grin.
}
} "Huh, I always figured it would be a pie that would be his
} undoing.  Not a cake," Frank observed with a grin, thinking
} about how Callie Shaw would run her fingers through his
} dark hair; she was much hotter than Iola, who shared some
} of Chet's genetics after all, though he had to admit
} that Callie came out second best to Iola in the chestal
} department.
}
} "Pretty pusillanimous of him.  Guess we should have seen
} this one coming from a mile away, considering how, in our
} adventure last time, Aunt GeRTRude turned out to be 'Genetic
} Real Time something or other,' a robot from the Moon," young
} and blond-haired Joe Hardly said with a grin, thinking about
} his next makout session with Iola.
}
} "Well, that'll be nothing, compared to our next adventure,
} 'The Case Of The Chums Who Get Locked In The Basement And
} Come Out Of The Closet,'" decrepit and dark-haired Frank
} Hardly said with a grin, thinking of his brother's imminent
} dismay when he found out first-hand that one of Iola's
} nipples was inverted.
}
} "The Aperture Science Enrichment Center is committed to the
} well-being of all participants.  Cake (no Lie!) and Grief
} Counseling will be available at the conclusion of the test.
} Thank you for helping us help you help us robots," Defective
} Fenton Hardly said to his sons with a grin, thinking about
} the sizable deposit he had just left at the bank.
}
} "Nooooooo!!!!" Frank and Joe Hardly screamed with a grin.
}
} Chapter 5
}
} The end.
}
} You owe the Oracle the recipe for chocolate coconut pecan
} peanut butter malted milk alpha resin ethyl benzene 'how
} to kill someone with your bare hands' rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb
} rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb sediment flavored fish shaped cake.


1479-06    (02756 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I want to celebrate and live my life WITHOUT saying "Ayo".
> Is that even possible?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It depends on whether you are willing to give up crayons,
} mayonnaise, and bayonets.  You can no longer live on a
} bayou, or have layovers at an airport.  You must give
} up hope of running for mayor, of participating in sports
} playoffs, or offering payola to radio personalities.  You
} will have to work harder than ever at your job to avoid
} being part of a layoff.
}
} I'm afraid unless you have a careful layout of your life's
} plan, these harsh realities stand to kayo any payoff from
} your silly wish.
}
} On the positive side of the ledger, you can stop wearing
} clothes made of rayon.
}
} Sayonara.
}
} You owe the Oracle a dippy thong.


1484-07    (125a6 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's your favorite story?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I don't have a single favorite.  I'm not fussy, and many authors
} can please me.  In general...
}
} I like my stories the way I like my women: a lot of laughs, not
} too much drama, and frequently touching.
}
} I like my stories the way I like my burials: with a simple plot.
}
} I like my stories the way I like my restaurants: developed with
} an interesting theme.
}
} I like my stories the way I like my diamonds: in a good setting.
}
} I like my stories the way I like my cameras: with a clear point of
} view.
}
} I like my stories the way I like my phone books: a large cast of
} characters and I don't care about psychological development.
}
} I like my stories the way I like my deli sandwiches: make the hero
} wry and a little cheesy.
}
} I like my stories the way I like my fashion models' bones: having
} good structure.
}
} I like my stories the way I like my strippers: just give me an
} entertaining exposition and for goodness' sake don't make it a drag.
}
} I like my stories the way I like my New Years Day: with a plausible
} resolution.
}
} I like my stories the way I like my politicians: with a good moral.
}
} I like my stories the way I like my nipples: with a few good twists
} near the end to move things along.
}
} I like my stories the way I like my lap dances: with a happy ending.
}
} You owe the Oracle a proper climax to this telling.


1484-08    (02958 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How low can you go?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} All right.  I can see you are an experienced car buyer, with a
} good head for business on your shoulders, so there's no point
} in hiding anything from you.  I wouldn't do that anyway, I'm
} not like those fast-buck artists, I depend on repeat business
} and customer referrals.  Yeah, I'll just cut to the chase, and
} tell you that I can let this exceptionally fine vehicle go for
} thirty-four five, not the thirty-nine that's marked.  That's
} just a couple hundred over what the lot owner paid the little
} old lady who had it before now.  She only raced it on Saturdays,
} otherwise it was just to the grocery store and to church.  Yeah,
} those little scratches will buff right out; I can't ask the body
} shop guys to do that at such a low price, but you can get what
} you need at any parts store and do the work yourself in ten
} minutes, tops.  No, those aren't dents; aerodynamic features,
} they provide downward thrust for better handling, yet let you
} slip through the air for great gas mileage, 50 MPG on the
} highway.  Not many full size SUVs can claim that.  The tires?
} No, they're designed like that, they're called run-flat, look
} them up on the Internet, they're a high end item.  No, they
} don't all have to be flat, the three that are pumped up will
} work just as good.  And tread?  That's merely a style decision
} by the tire manufacturer, you actually get better traction when
} it's like that, you don't think those guys who race Indy cars
} are idiots, do you, they all run with slick tires.  No, that's
} not a crack in the windshield, that's how high end windshields
} are designed these days, with a pre-stressed fault line to
} absorb the forces in the event of a crash.  The driver's side
} door handle, well now, that's a safety feature too - you
} probably know that most car-jackings are done by opening the
} driver's door and pulling the driver out.  No no, this vehicle
} isn't abnormally prone to car-jacking, but it's certainly a
} desirable vehicle, and in this day and age you can't be too
} careful, so crawling in on the passenger side is for your own
} protection.  Speaking of desirable, I've got another buyer
} coming in tomorrow morning to take a second look at it, so if
} you want to do business my advice would be to grab this deal
} while it's still on the table for you.  I'm sure a smart buyer
} like you will know what to do.
}
} Yes, this is really and truly as low as I, or anyone, can go.
}
} You owe the Oracle a $499.95 down payment on rustproofing of
} the muffler bearings.


1485-07    (04487 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> One of my passwords is "elephant" so that I don't forget it.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Interesting.  One of my hobbies is "identity theft" so that I
} don't lose my lavish lifestyle.
}
} You owe the Oracle an inattentive fortnight.


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