} The Internet Daily - Unix Epoch 1355032800
} *** SONIC THE HEDGEHOG AND THE ORACLE IN EPIC BATTLE ***
} The Internet's oldest and wisest prognosticator, known colloquially as
} the Oracle, faced a pitched battle against the fastest of all blue
} Erinaceinae, Sonic the Hedgehog, in a series of contests today. The
} competition was held in a best-of-seven format, with events chosen by
} asking random Internet users via unsolicited commercial e-mail to
} suggest games of chance and skill. Users were promised an entry into a
} raffle to win a free iPad, although no iPads were actually given out
} and the entire survey was a ruse to collect personal information.
} Contest suggestions were placed into a large bowl, which was promptly
} thrown in the trash, and the organizers of the competition picked the
} games they most wanted to see.
} The seven selected games were:
} 1. Trivial Pursuit
} 2. Naked Twister (with Crisco)
} 3. Underwater Basket Weaving
} 4. A Footrace
} 5. Hangman
} 6. Skee-Ball
} 7. Chess
} *** THE COMPETITORS ***
} Throughout the history of mankind, there have been many Oracles who
} have been consulted by many mortals, and some immortals. The great
} Hercules was told by the Delphic Oracle to serve Eurystheus, king of
} Mycenae, for twelve years to atone for the murder of his own children.
} It was the Oracle of Ammon who told King Cepheus to chain his daughter
} Andromeda to the rocks of Joppa to appease the terrible sea monster
} that was ravaging the coasts. That solution was never tested, though,
} as Perseus saved the girl in the nick of time.
} With the advent of the electronic age, and especially high-speed e-mail
} communication, the spirit of the Oracles found a new outlet, and we now
} recognize another great Oracle, the Internet Oracle.
} The Internet Oracle is most famous for two things. First, he is never
} wrong. Second, he cuts & pastes from the Internet liberally, without
} ever attributing his sources. Wikipedia editors hate him.
} Sonic the Hedgehog is a drifter who lives as he wants. He hates
} oppression and staunchly defends freedom. Although he is mostly
} easy-going he has a short temper and is often impatient with slower
} things. Sonic is a habitual daredevil hedgehog who is honest, loyal to
} friends, keeps his promises, and dislikes tears.
} Sonic is known as the world's fastest hedgehog. Sonic's greatest
} strength is his running speed, which is faster than the speed of sound.
} Many of his abilities are variations on the tendency for hedgehogs to
} roll into tight balls for protection with the addition of spinning his
} body. Sonic's only weakness is that he cannot swim, sinking like a rock
} if plunged to a deep body of water.
} With the seven Chaos Emeralds and fifty golden rings, Sonic can
} initiate a Super transformation into Super Sonic, a faster and
} invulnerable version of himself that can fly. He slowly loses rings in
} this form, however.
} *** TRIVIAL PURSUIT ***
} The Internet Oracle took an early and commanding lead. Although Sonic's
} answers came quickly, he rapidly lost ground to the slower Oracle who
} consulted Wikipedia on a regular basis. The game was closer than
} anticipated, however, thanks to the unusual inclusion of a "mealworms"
} category, which Sonic excelled at. In the end, Sonic failed repeated
} questions in the Sports History category, and conceded eventual defeat
} at the hands of the Oracle.
} Oracle: 1
} Sonic: 0
} *** NAKED TWISTER (With Crisco) ***
} The Naked Twister competition was delayed for several hours while the
} Oracle argued with the judges over the requirement to be naked. The
} Oracle argued that his clothing did not provide a material advantage,
} but that requiring him to disrobe provided a material advantage in that
} Sonic was already naked and thus did not require acclimation as the
} Oracle did. The head judge, Lisa, eventually decreed that the Twister
} would be played naked, and to ensure fairness she would personally
} apply the Crisco to the participants.
} Once that issue was resolved to the satisfaction of all, the actual
} game was finished within a few spins. Sonic the Hedgehog was discovered
} to be allergic to the Oracle's aftershave, and engaged in a fit of
} sneezing that nearly knocked him to the ground. He managed to stay
} upright, however, his spines pressed into the Oracle's naked flesh,
} drawing blood and causing him to crash to the ground in a splash of
} Oracle: 1
} Sonic: 1
} *** UNDERWATER BASKET WEAVING ***
} Another potentially unfair contest, Sonic the Hedgehog suffered dearly
} in the underwater basket weaving. Unable to swim, Sonic chose to hold
} his breath and create his basket as quickly as possible. The resulting
} creation was barely recognizable as a basket, and curried no favor with
} the judges.
} The Oracle elected to use scuba gear, and spent several hours weaving a
} four foot basket in the shape of a series of tubes. He demonstrated to
} a panel of impressed judges that you could insert intelligence into one
} end of the tubes, and receive complete drivel and cats out the other,
} proving that he had indeed created a basket working replica of the
} Oracle: 2
} Sonic: 1
} *** FOOTRACE ***
} There were early objections to the inclusion of a footrace into the
} competition, as it was viewed as pandering to the strengths of Sonic
} the Hedgehog. The contest organizers agreed to make the footrace
} global, requiring each competitor to run around the globe, thus
} ensuring that a mix of both land and water running were required to
} Sonic took an early lead, utilizing supersonic speeds to get off the
} line early. There was some concern about his ability to swim, but it
} proven inconsequential as he ran across the surface of the water.
} Meanwhile, the Oracle remained at the starting line, seeking rule
} clarifications from the judges. Specifically he asked if a great circle
} route was required of participants, or whether any circle of a sphere
} would be permitted. There was confusion amongst the judges as to what
} the Oracle meant by this, so a demonstration was made through the use
} of a map, where the Oracle showed that a route from North America to
} Japan, through Russia, to Europe and through Spain, and eventually
} across the Atlantic back to North America clearly circled the planet,
} but was actually a shorter path than a trip around the equator. The
} Oracle made extensive mention of a previously undisclosed skin
} condition, and undocumented doctor's orders to avoid prolonged exposure
} to direct sunlight, while pleading his case to be allowed to take a
} more northern route.
} The judges eventually permitted the Oracle's definition of a "run
} around the globe", at which point he proceeded to walk in a small
} circle, of no more than four feet diameter. There was much booing from
} the spectators, but after an instant reply review, it was determined
} that the walk had indeed met the definition as set forth by the judges,
} and the win was awarded to the Oracle.
} Oracle: 3
} Sonic: 1
} *** HANGMAN ***
} Sonic the Hedgehog went first at Hangman. The Oracle presented a
} four-letter word, which Sonic immediately guessed JAZZ. When asked how
} he was able to determine the word without guessing any letters, Sonic
} replied "Easy! Before the game I googled 'Hardest Hangman Words',
} knowing that the Oracle would choose the hardest word possible."
} Flush with confidence from his success, Sonic put a three letter word
} out. The Oracle led with the letter A, which was the second letter in
} the word. His second letter was an odd choice at B, which matched no
} letters. He then chose C, which matched the first letter in the word.
} At CA_, the match seemed destined to go to a second round. The Oracle
} continued his alphabetical strategy, however, subsequently guessing D,
} E, and F. He was eliminated from the game, at which point Sonic
} revealed the word to be "CAT".
} Oracle: 3
} Sonic: 2
} *** SKEE BALL ***
} There are no words to describe the calamity that occurred during the
} Skee Ball match. The Department of Sanity in Press will not permit a
} full retelling of the events, although this statement was offered:
} We sincerely apologize for the events that occurred this afternoon
} at the Skee Ball tournament between The Internet Oracle and Sonic the
} Hedgehog. Our lawyers have advised us to say that the outcome of the
} game was not a foreseeable result of the actions taken by the contest
} organizers, and we are in no way legally liable for damages, physical
} or emotion, suffered by anyone present or viewing the contest.
} However, in the spirit of a greater humanity, we will voluntarily
} pay all expenses related to the rebuilding of the arcade, as well as
} the pier on which is was built. All spectators to the event will be
} provided free Twinkies for life, or until Hostess ceases producing
} them, whichever comes first. The families of those who deceased will
} be provided a one month free trial to America On-Line as our way of
} saying "Sorry."
} The contest organizers would also like to congratulate Sonic the
} Hedgehog on a well-deserved win at Skee Ball.
} P.S. Shame on you, Oracle. There were families present at this
} Oracle: 3
} Sonic: 3
} *** CHESS ***
} The final chess match was much anticipated by both Sonic and Oracle
} followers. Sonic had said before the game that he believed it would the
} fastest chess match in history, and chess fans from around the world
} flew in to watch this epic pitched battle. The game was played with
} people in costume serving as figures on a large board, while the
} participants stood in a raised platform overlooking the board.
} Sonic lead the game off as white, moving pawn to f3. This elicited some
} murmuring from the audience, and is still considered a risky move that
} provides few options for white.
} The Oracle responded by moving king's pawn to e5, immediately
} establishing dominance over the center of the board.
} Sonic responded immediately with a very quick move, moving pawn to g4.
} It is still not clear what Sonic's intention was here, but he may have
} mistaken his king for his queen, and was looking to move her to the
} side of the board.
} The Oracle thought deeply before ordering 2..Qh4#, thus ending the game
} on his second move, and recording the fastest chess game in history.
} Oracle: 4
} Sonic: 3
} *** CONCLUSION ***
} The Internet Oracle would beat Sonic the Hedgehog. You owe the Oracle a
} working replica of the Internet.