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Best of Internet Oracularities #1501-1525

Goto:
1501-1525, 1522-08, 1510-07, 1524-08, 1501-03, 1505-05, 1507-09, 1509-03, 1509-05, 1510-06, 1512-10, 1521-03


Best of Internet Oracularities #1501-1525    (3.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 16 Mar 2014 17:39:56 -0400

Oracularities are the distilled wisdom and sagacity of the Internet
Oracle, as incarnated in its many anonymous e-mail participants.
This collection has been compiled from the regular Oracularities postings
#1501 through #1525 and contains the Oracularities rated by its readers
as among the funniest.

To find out more about the Internet Oracle, send mail to
oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line to
receive the Oracle helpfile, or go to http://www.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/
or http://www.internetoracle.org/

The regular Oracularities postings can be found at the website above or
in the Usenet newsgroup rec.humor.oracle.  Open discussion about the
Internet Oracle occurs in the newsgroup rec.humor.oracle.d.  If your
site doesn't carry these newsgroups, contact your news administrator
about starting them, or see the Oracle helpfile about subscribing to
the Oracularities e-mail distribution list.


1522-08    (01468 dist, 4.1 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I need more time. There just isn't enough time in each day. Now I know
> that it's not possible for you to make each day longer, but you could
> make seconds shorter by redefining them and everybody would have more.
> Sort of like how the government prints more money.
>
> You'll be telling me, of course, that they don't actually "print" more
> money, but instead simply make bookkeeping entries via computer that
> give money to banks that lend it out, so that the extra actual value,
> if any, comes from the sweat of the folks who have to repay the loans.
> A kind of slavery.
>
> Well, so what?, I say. YOU occasionally inhabit a computer, so you
> should be able to compute the new seconds, made of what originally were
> hemiseconds. Instead of 86400 seconds in each day we would have 172800
> of them, and could make up for it by working twice as fast!
>
> With everyone working twice as fast, there will be more of everything
> for everybody, and I'll be able to retire, and spend my extra seconds
> on the beach at Cancun, a place you know well, according to Oracularity
> 638-08.
>
> Please either inform me that there are now 172800 seconds in a day, or
> at least give me some hints on how to live at Cancun without getting
> into trouble as happened to you.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, supplicant, it's very simple. *Time is money*.
}
} It's strange how people are always *saying* that, but no one ever seems
} to grasp the implications.  Your problem isn't that you need more time;
} it's that time isn't worth as much as it used to be, because of
} inflation.  I'm sure you've noticed how the years pass so much more
} quickly than they did when you were young.  Candy was cheaper then,
} too.  Same phenomenon.
}
} So, sure, I *could* create more time, but I'd also be creating more
} money, and that would only lead to further inflation.  Eventually,
} things could spiral out of control in a classic hyperinflation
} scenario--like in Germany in 1924, when people had to haul wheelbarrows
} full of cash to the grocery store to buy a loaf of bread, and driving
} home afterward could take up to fourteen years.  (And when they got
} home in 1938, you wouldn't *believe* what kind of screwed-up things
} had been going on in the meantime.)  You're asking me to risk a
} full-blown temporospatial macroeconomaly!  I respectfully decline.
}
} What *you* need, supplicant, is to invest your time wisely.  It's the
} inverse of the classic compound-interest gimmick.  What usually happens
} is people invest small amounts of money in an interest-bearing account
} and allow several years to pass, and it becomes a large amount of
} money. This works equally well in reverse: you invest few minutes here
} and there in an interesting pastime, spend a lot of money, and before
} you know it those minutes will have grown into hours, days, or even
} weeks.
}
} Be careful to avoid junk investments, though. I'd hate to see you end
} up on the street panhandling for spare time. "Hey, buddy, got a
} minute?" Sad.
}
} You owe the Oracle the time of day.


1510-07    (1328a dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> They say too much TV or computer can lower your testosterone.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle:       What do sports enthusiasts claim?
} Alex Trebek:  That is correct!  The Internet Oracle takes the lead with
}               $400.
} Oracle:       I'll take "End of the World" for $200, Alex.
} Alex Trebek:  "The immediate cause of the end of the world."
} Johnny Lingo: Does this have something to do with cows?
} Alex Trebek:  That is not correct.
} Thor:         What are ice giants?
} Alex Trebek:  That is not correct.
} Oracle:       What is Kim Jong Un's hair?
} Alex Trebek:  That is correct!  The Internet Oracle now has $600.
} Oracle:       I'll take "End of the World" for $400.
} Alex Trebek:  The Amundsen-Scott Station
} Thor:         What do I get when I whack my radio?
} Alex Trebek:  That is not correct.
} Johnny Lingo: Where does Mahana want to go on vacation this year?
} Alex Trebek:  That is not correct.
} Oracle:       Where is the end of the world?
} Alex Trebek:  That is correct!  The Internet Oracle now has $1000.
} Oracle:       I'll take "End of the World" for $600.
} Alex Trebek:  October 21, 2011
} Johnny Lingo: When did I officially slide into obscurity?
} Alex Trebek:  That is not correct.
} Thor:         When did I officially slide out of obscurity?
} Alex Trebek:  That is not correct.
} Oracle:       On what date does the end of the world occur?
} Alex Trebek:  That is correct!  The Internet Oracle now has $1600.
} Johhny Lingo: Hey, wait a minute!  Are you saying that the world
}               already ended?
} Thor:         Yeah, how come we didn't notice then, huh?
} Alex Trebek:  You're fictional characters.  It didn't affect you.
} Thor:         Then how come it didn't affect YOU, huh?
} Alex Trebek:  Oh, look, it's time for a word from our sponsors!
}
} <scary music>
} You've worked all your life to provide a good home, a good education,
} and lots of cheesecake to your loved ones.  And now the Mayan
} Apocalypse is threatening to take all that away.
} </scary music>
}
} <bright happy music>
} But don't worry!  We here at KaiserMetFlac of Omaha have a plan for
} you! For a small fee, we will insure your lives and all of your
} property against destruction by Mayan zombies.  Don't let the Mayan
} zombies ruin your day! Call the number on your screen right now, and
} have some peace of mind.  Ask about the low-cost robot rider on the
} insurance policy!
} </bright happy music>
}
} Thor:         Oh, yeah?  Well, all it would take is one good whack with
}               this hammer and NONE of your cows would ... uh ...
} Alex Trebek:  Welcome back to Jeopardy!  The Oracle is leading with
}               $1600.  Thor and Johnny Lingo both currently have $0.
} Oracle:       I'll take "End of the World" for $800, Alex.
} Alex Trebek:  An asteroid.
} Thor:         The cause of the end of the world!
} Alex Trebek:  Please state your answer in the form of a question.
} Thor:         What is the cause of the end of the world?
} Alex Trebek:  That is not correct.
} Johnny Lingo: What formed the Pacific islands?
} Alex Trebek:  That is not correct.
} Oracle:       What do many people incorrectly believe will cause the
}               end of the world?
} Alex Trebek:  That is correct.  The Oracle now has $2400.
} Oracle:       I'll take "End of the World" for $1000, Alex.
} Alex Trebek:  I'm sorry, but we've just received word that a large
}               asteroid is about to enter Earth's atmosphere, and its
}               probable point of impact is, in fact, this studio.  We
}               need to evacuate immediately.
} Johnny Lingo: What is an ironic statement?
} Alex Trebek:  No, I'm not kidding.  We've got to get out of here, fast!
} Thor:         What is an unbelievable statement?
} Alex Trebek:  Seriously, guys.  We've got to go, now!
} Oracle:       What is a deus ex machina?
} Alex Trebek:  That is correct.
} Oracle:       Alex, I'll take "Self-Referential Questions" for $100.
} ...


1524-08    (02418 dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Did it work right this time?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, let's look back at plan and the results, shall we?
}
} Step  1: Visitor presses button for doorbell.
} Results: Success.
}
} Step  2: Doorbell wakes sleeping dog.
} Results: Success.
}
} Step  3: Dog barks and pulls on leash trying to get to door.
} Results: Success.
}
} Step  4: Leash pull opens crate with angry cat inside.
} Results: Success.
}
} Step  5: Angry cat exits cage and distracts dog from door.
} Results: Success.
}
} Step  6: Angry cat bolts from room and dog pulls even harder on leash.
} Results: Success.
}
} Step  7: Crate, now without cat, is lighter and is pulled off of table
}          by dog leash.
} Results: Success.
}
} Step  8: Crate no longer blocks bowling ball, which rolls off table.
} Results: Success.
}
} Step  9: Bowling ball lands in dog water bowl.
} Results: Success.
}
} Step 10: Splashed water starts electrical fire in carefully positioned
}          toaster.
} Results: Success.
}
} Step 11: Fire burns through rope holding suspended piano.
} Results: Success.
}
} Step 12: Falling piano creates breeze to knock over house of cards.
} Results: Success.
}
} Step 13: Collapsed house of cards covers vent on projector.
} Results: Success.
}
} Step 14: Projector bulb overheats and blows.
} Results: Success.
}
} Step 15: Projector no longer shines on porch ambient light sensor.
} Results: Success.
}
} Step 16: Porch light turns on.
} Results: Success.
}
} Step 17: Porch light illuminates visitor on doorstep.
} Results: Failure.
}
} Analysis of failure:
} It seems the rope used in step 11 takes quite a while to burn, so the
} postman gave up waiting and just left the box next to the doorstep.
}
} Additional sub-failure: the piano has crushed your delivery.
}
} You owe the Oracle a very straight-forward way to pay my internet bill.


1501-03    (13296 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I need a more flexible way to sumbit questions to you. Up to now, any
> time my questions fell into the Porcelain Sanitary Euphemism I had to
> hang them up to dry before I could ship them to you. They often got
> crinkled and wrinkled, and ironing did not help.
>
> If you will please give me a telescope I can look at them more closely
> and you won't have to squat as much to see what I am saying. Or did I
> mean squint instead of squat?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, are you in luck!  We are currently in the process
} of rolling out a brand new interface, and no telescope
} is needed.  It's starting only in major cities, but we
} plan to expand rapidly assuming the response is good.
}
} Basically, you'll find my incarnations positioned
} in doorways, alleys, and cardboard boxes at various
} locations throughout the downtown shopping and
} banking districts.  When you stumble across one,
} perhaps literally, take a moment to try out the
} interface.  Just lean over, if necessary, and say
} in a clear and steady voice something like "Oh
} Oracle, Most Wise, keeper of a thousand flames of
} sagacity, please answer me this question: how much
} wood..."
}
} Well, don't actually ask the marmot question.  You
} get the idea.
}
} In many cases you will receive an answer right away;
} often it will be trenchant and observational, or
} deeply spiritual and even messianic, or lusty and
} a bit earthy, no different than you are accustomed
} to from the Oracle.  In fact, these incarnations are
} the very cream of the crop, exactly the ones you
} already communicate with, so expect the unexpected.
}
} Occasionally the reply will be in the form of coded
} gibberish, or vomit or urine, each of which you will
} have to interpret for yourself.  If the incarnation
} seems irate, don't be alarmed, this is just part of
} the experience.
}
} In other cases the incarnation may not reply, or for
} that matter even appear to have heard you.  Don't
} worry about that either; this is merely the equivalent
} of "The Oracle is pondering your question."  Come
} back another time and see if your response is ready.
}
} You are welcome to attempt an "ask me", as well.
} Try your best to make sense of the question you
} receive, and then answer it.  Be forewarned, it may
} be difficult to turn off this feature, once invoked.
}
} If the incarnation requests some form of tribute, it
} is recommended that you give with a glad heart.
}
} I hope you enjoy this new initiative, and I look
} forward to seeing the beta-test report from Zadoc.
}
} You owe the Oracle (you guessed it) spare change.


1505-05    (14379 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Uh, how do I get past security?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Go to future security and wait.


1507-09    (03779 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle the Human Wizard (level 5, -7/25 HPs)
> Using the last of your mana to teleport away from an angry grizzly bear
> is usually a pretty smart move. This time, however, it landed you right
> in the middle of a band of gnoll mercenaries.
> Do you want your possessions identified?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your inventory
}    Amulets
}    f - blessed amulet of Flavor Flav
}    Weapons
}    g - cursed +0 rubber dagger
}    Armor
}    h - uncursed +0 sandals of grossness
}    i - cursed +0 buttcrack shorts
}    k - uncursed +0 oversize tanktop shirt
}    Comestibles
}    d - 12 bags of corn chips
}    j - 7 fun-size candy bars
}    Scrolls
}    l - an uncursed scroll of kill time
}    Spellbooks
}    m - uncursed spellbook of etiquette (unread)
}    Potions
}    a - 6 blessed potions of booze
}    b - 41 uncursed potions of booze
}    c - 9 cursed potions of booze
}    Rings
}    n - an uncursed ring of bathtub gunk
}    Wands
}    o - a cursing wanda sykes
}    Tools
}    e - a blessed bag of holding booze
}    Gems
}    p - an uncursed genuine cubic zirconia
}
} Contents of the bag of holding booze:
} 1191 potions of booze
}
} Final attributes
} You were the Glory of Sheldon Cooper.
} You were piteously aligned.
} You were sleep resistant.
} You were deodorant resistant.
} You were booze addicted.
} You were warned, but didn't think it applied to you.
} You were invisible to females.
} You could teleport to any couch.
} You were lethargic.
} You were very lethargic.
} I mean seriously, you were one lethargic mofo.
} You had free action, but chose poorly.
} You were extremely lucky.
} You had extra luck.
} Good luck did not time out for you.
} You died despite all that luck.  Go figure.
}
} Vanquished creatures
}    a little dog
}    a kitten
}    2 creatures vanquished.
}
} Voluntary challenges
}    You never genocided any wishes
}    You never polymorphed a deity
}    You never seduced a Valkyrie
}    You never picked a peck of pickled peppers
}    You never picked up a better weapon
}    You never tried on better armor
}    You never really tried did you?
}    Why can't you be more like your brother?
}    You used 1 wish (for booze)
}    You did not wish for any hard drugs.  There's that.
}
}                         ----------
}                        /          \
}                       /    REST    \
}                      /      IN      \
}                     /     PIECES     \
}                    /                  \
}                    |      Oracle      |
}                    |       0 Au       |
}                    |   killed by a    |
}                    |      gnoll       |
}                    |                  |
}                    |                  |
}                    |       2012       |
}                   *|     *  *  *      | *
}          _________)/\\_//(\/(/\)/\//\/|_)_______
}
} Goodbye Oracle the Human Wizard...
}
} You died yet again on dungeon level 3 with 420 points,
} and 0 pieces of gold, after 84 moves.
} You were level 5 with a maximum of 25 hit points when you died.
}
} You reached Aleph-null-plus-first place on the top Aleph-null list.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Platinum Yendorian Express Card.


1509-03    (2246a dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The Oracle vs. Sonic the Hedgehog: who wins?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Internet Daily - Unix Epoch 1355032800
}
} *** SONIC THE HEDGEHOG AND THE ORACLE IN EPIC BATTLE ***
}
} The Internet's oldest and wisest prognosticator, known colloquially as
} the Oracle, faced a pitched battle against the fastest of all blue
} Erinaceinae, Sonic the Hedgehog, in a series of contests today. The
} competition was held in a best-of-seven format, with events chosen by
} asking random Internet users via unsolicited commercial e-mail to
} suggest games of chance and skill. Users were promised an entry into a
} raffle to win a free iPad, although no iPads were actually given out
} and the entire survey was a ruse to collect personal information.
} Contest suggestions were placed into a large bowl, which was promptly
} thrown in the trash, and the organizers of the competition picked the
} games they most wanted to see.
}
} The seven selected games were:
}
} 1. Trivial Pursuit
} 2. Naked Twister (with Crisco)
} 3. Underwater Basket Weaving
} 4. A Footrace
} 5. Hangman
} 6. Skee-Ball
} 7. Chess
}
} *** THE COMPETITORS ***
}
} Throughout the history of mankind, there have been many Oracles who
} have been consulted by many mortals, and some immortals.  The great
} Hercules was told by the Delphic Oracle to serve Eurystheus, king of
} Mycenae, for twelve years to atone for the murder of his own children.
} It was the Oracle of Ammon who told King Cepheus to chain his daughter
} Andromeda to the rocks of Joppa to appease the terrible sea monster
} that was ravaging the coasts.  That solution was never tested, though,
} as Perseus saved the girl in the nick of time.
}
} With the advent of the electronic age, and especially high-speed e-mail
} communication, the spirit of the Oracles found a new outlet, and we now
} recognize another great Oracle, the Internet Oracle.
}
} The Internet Oracle is most famous for two things. First, he is never
} wrong. Second, he cuts & pastes from the Internet liberally, without
} ever attributing his sources. Wikipedia editors hate him.
}
} Sonic the Hedgehog is a drifter who lives as he wants. He hates
} oppression and staunchly defends freedom. Although he is mostly
} easy-going he has a short temper and is often impatient with slower
} things. Sonic is a habitual daredevil hedgehog who is honest, loyal to
} friends, keeps his promises, and dislikes tears.
}
} Sonic is known as the world's fastest hedgehog. Sonic's greatest
} strength is his running speed, which is faster than the speed of sound.
} Many of his abilities are variations on the tendency for hedgehogs to
} roll into tight balls for protection with the addition of spinning his
} body. Sonic's only weakness is that he cannot swim, sinking like a rock
} if plunged to a deep body of water.
}
} With the seven Chaos Emeralds and fifty golden rings, Sonic can
} initiate a Super transformation into Super Sonic, a faster and
} invulnerable version of himself that can fly. He slowly loses rings in
} this form, however.
}
} *** TRIVIAL PURSUIT ***
}
} The Internet Oracle took an early and commanding lead. Although Sonic's
} answers came quickly, he rapidly lost ground to the slower Oracle who
} consulted Wikipedia on a regular basis. The game was closer than
} anticipated, however, thanks to the unusual inclusion of a "mealworms"
} category, which Sonic excelled at. In the end, Sonic failed repeated
} questions in the Sports History category, and conceded eventual defeat
} at the hands of the Oracle.
}
} Oracle: 1
} Sonic:  0
}
} *** NAKED TWISTER (With Crisco) ***
}
} The Naked Twister competition was delayed for several hours while the
} Oracle argued with the judges over the requirement to be naked. The
} Oracle argued that his clothing did not provide a material advantage,
} but that requiring him to disrobe provided a material advantage in that
} Sonic was already naked and thus did not require acclimation as the
} Oracle did. The head judge, Lisa, eventually decreed that the Twister
} would be played naked, and to ensure fairness she would personally
} apply the Crisco to the participants.
}
} Once that issue was resolved to the satisfaction of all, the actual
} game was finished within a few spins. Sonic the Hedgehog was discovered
} to be allergic to the Oracle's aftershave, and engaged in a fit of
} sneezing that nearly knocked him to the ground. He managed to stay
} upright, however, his spines pressed into the Oracle's naked flesh,
} drawing blood and causing him to crash to the ground in a splash of
} Crisco.
}
} Oracle: 1
} Sonic:  1
}
} *** UNDERWATER BASKET WEAVING ***
}
} Another potentially unfair contest, Sonic the Hedgehog suffered dearly
} in the underwater basket weaving. Unable to swim, Sonic chose to hold
} his breath and create his basket as quickly as possible. The resulting
} creation was barely recognizable as a basket, and curried no favor with
} the judges.
}
} The Oracle elected to use scuba gear, and spent several hours weaving a
} four foot basket in the shape of a series of tubes. He demonstrated to
} a panel of impressed judges that you could insert intelligence into one
} end of the tubes, and receive complete drivel and cats out the other,
} proving that he had indeed created a basket working replica of the
} Internet.
}
} Oracle: 2
} Sonic:  1
}
} *** FOOTRACE ***
}
} There were early objections to the inclusion of a footrace into the
} competition, as it was viewed as pandering to the strengths of Sonic
} the Hedgehog. The contest organizers agreed to make the footrace
} global, requiring each competitor to run around the globe, thus
} ensuring that a mix of both land and water running were required to
} win.
}
} Sonic took an early lead, utilizing supersonic speeds to get off the
} line early. There was some concern about his ability to swim, but it
} proven inconsequential as he ran across the surface of the water.
}
} Meanwhile, the Oracle remained at the starting line, seeking rule
} clarifications from the judges. Specifically he asked if a great circle
} route was required of participants, or whether any circle of a sphere
} would be permitted. There was confusion amongst the judges as to what
} the Oracle meant by this, so a demonstration was made through the use
} of a map, where the Oracle showed that a route from North America to
} Japan, through Russia, to Europe and through Spain, and eventually
} across the Atlantic back to North America clearly circled the planet,
} but was actually a shorter path than a trip around the equator. The
} Oracle made extensive mention of a previously undisclosed skin
} condition, and undocumented doctor's orders to avoid prolonged exposure
} to direct sunlight, while pleading his case to be allowed to take a
} more northern route.
}
} The judges eventually permitted the Oracle's definition of a "run
} around the globe", at which point he proceeded to walk in a small
} circle, of no more than four feet diameter. There was much booing from
} the spectators, but after an instant reply review, it was determined
} that the walk had indeed met the definition as set forth by the judges,
} and the win was awarded to the Oracle.
}
} Oracle: 3
} Sonic:  1
}
} *** HANGMAN ***
}
} Sonic the Hedgehog went first at Hangman. The Oracle presented a
} four-letter word, which Sonic immediately guessed JAZZ. When asked how
} he was able to determine the word without guessing any letters, Sonic
} replied "Easy! Before the game I googled 'Hardest Hangman Words',
} knowing that the Oracle would choose the hardest word possible."
}
} Flush with confidence from his success, Sonic put a three letter word
} out. The Oracle led with the letter A, which was the second letter in
} the word. His second letter was an odd choice at B, which matched no
} letters. He then chose C, which matched the first letter in the word.
} At CA_, the match seemed destined to go to a second round. The Oracle
} continued his alphabetical strategy, however, subsequently guessing D,
} E, and F. He was eliminated from the game, at which point Sonic
} revealed the word to be "CAT".
}
} Oracle: 3
} Sonic:  2
}
} *** SKEE BALL ***
}
} There are no words to describe the calamity that occurred during the
} Skee Ball match. The Department of Sanity in Press will not permit a
} full retelling of the events, although this statement was offered:
}
}    We sincerely apologize for the events that occurred this afternoon
}    at the Skee Ball tournament between The Internet Oracle and Sonic the
}    Hedgehog.  Our lawyers have advised us to say that the outcome of the
}    game was not a foreseeable result of the actions taken by the contest
}    organizers, and we are in no way legally liable for damages, physical
}    or emotion, suffered by anyone present or viewing the contest.
}
}    However, in the spirit of a greater humanity, we will voluntarily
}    pay all expenses related to the rebuilding of the arcade, as well as
}    the pier on which is was built. All spectators to the event will be
}    provided free Twinkies for life, or until Hostess ceases producing
}    them, whichever comes first. The families of those who deceased will
}    be provided a one month free trial to America On-Line as our way of
}    saying "Sorry."
}
}    The contest organizers would also like to congratulate Sonic the
}    Hedgehog on a well-deserved win at Skee Ball.
}
}    P.S. Shame on you, Oracle. There were families present at this
}    competition!
}
} Oracle: 3
} Sonic:  3
}
} *** CHESS ***
}
} The final chess match was much anticipated by both Sonic and Oracle
} followers. Sonic had said before the game that he believed it would the
} fastest chess match in history, and chess fans from around the world
} flew in to watch this epic pitched battle. The game was played with
} people in costume serving as figures on a large board, while the
} participants stood in a raised platform overlooking the board.
}
} Sonic lead the game off as white, moving pawn to f3. This elicited some
} murmuring from the audience, and is still considered a risky move that
} provides few options for white.
}
} The Oracle responded by moving king's pawn to e5, immediately
} establishing dominance over the center of the board.
}
} Sonic responded immediately with a very quick move, moving pawn to g4.
} It is still not clear what Sonic's intention was here, but he may have
} mistaken his king for his queen, and was looking to move her to the
} side of the board.
}
} The Oracle thought deeply before ordering 2..Qh4#, thus ending the game
} on his second move, and recording the fastest chess game in history.
}
} Oracle: 4
} Sonic:  3
}
} *** CONCLUSION ***
}
} The Internet Oracle would beat Sonic the Hedgehog. You owe the Oracle a
} working replica of the Internet.


1509-05    (017c4 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why does my water tap keep leaking and makning noises that keep me
> awake

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You have it supplying tap water, so you hear that annoying, "Tap, tap,
} tap."
}
} Arrange for it to supply spring water instead. "Boing, boing, boing,"
} is much more mellow.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bottle of Scotch for his drinking water.


1510-06    (1193a dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I owe the Oracle WHAT?  Are you crazy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course I'm crazy.  It's the only thing that's kept me from going
} ins... wait, that's a cliche.  Here is a list of disorders from the
} DSM-IV, and what the Oracle demands if he's suffering that disorder
} on a particular day.
}
} Disorder                            Payment
} --------                            -------
} Amnesia                             Spare car keys
} Anorexia nervosa                    A stalk of celery
} Antisocial personality disorder     A video game
} Attention deficit disorder          Sorry, wasn't listening
} Bipolar disorder                    Glitter!! or, meh, nothing
} Cocaine dependence                  Cocaine
} Delirium tremens                    A good single-malt
} Delusions of grandeur               Every single YOTO, ever
} Dissociative identity disorder      At least two of something
} Exhibitionism                       A camera
} Gender identity disorder            A change of clothing
} Hypochondria                        Penicillin
} Insomnia                            Another question from you
} Kleptomania                         Nah, I'll get it myself
} Narcissistic personality disorder   A mirror
} Obsessive-compulsive disorder       $10,000, stacked and sorted
} Paranoia                            And just who wants to know?
} Pica                                A jar of paste
} Post-traumatic stress disorder      A helmet and ear plugs
} Premature ejaculation               A bedsheet and a kind word
} Premenstrual cramps                 Just shut UP, ok!?!?!
} Psychosis                           CoLoRlEsS gReEn IdEaS
} Sadomasochism                       A date next Saturday night
} Seasonal affective disorder         A sunlamp
} Sleepwalking                        Steel toed bedroom slippers
} Stuttering                          M-m-m-m-mo-mo-mon-money
} Testosterone poisoning              A TV remote and a beer
}
} You owe the Oracle one of each - we've had a tough week.


1512-10    (1379a dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Disavowal?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, dat a question mark.


1521-03    (20576 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm not sure.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Voice-over: Wow, that response could lose John the game. Let's see what
} questions and answers we've had so far in this game of  ... TWENTYYYY
} QUESTIONS!
}
} VO: So, John's chosen item is The Internet Oracle. Trudi has twenty
} questions in which to work this out.
}
} Trudi: Animal, vegetable, or mineral?
}
} John: Animal.
}
} VO: Close enough, although technically the Oracle is an omniscient
} being who exists outside time and space and supersedes all human
} conceptions of animal.
}
} Trudi: Land-dwelling or water-dwelling?
}
} John: Land-dwelling.
}
} VO: Again, technically, not true. Although the outward manifestations
} of the Oracle, i.e. the priests, are usually land dwelling, the Oracle
} him/her/itself is obviously neither, existing outside reality as we
} understand it. Also, the Oracle has more than once felt him/her/itself
} to be closer to dolphins. I quote, "Why do these blasted humans keep
} sending me these stupid questions? I wish I only had to listen to
} dolphins' questions. At least they understand quantum mechanics."
}
} Trudi: Bird or mammal?
}
} John: Mammal.
}
} VO: Technically, ...
}
} Producer in VO's ear: Look, if you use the word "technically" one more
} time, you're sacked, right! I've had it up to here with your smart-alec
} comments. This is supposed to be a family quiz-show, not some
} philosophical, pedantic, know-it-all, let's laugh at dumb humanity,
} show.
}
} VO: Inasmuch, ...
}
} PIVOE: That's not much better...
}
} VO: Yes, er..., well, Trudi has of course forgotten insects, but no one
} seems to have spotted that.
}
} Trudi: Human or non-human?
}
} John: Human.
}
} VO: Well, technically...
}
} PIVOE: Last warning...
}
} VO: (losing his temper) Look, it doesn't help that the Oracle is an
} ill-defined concept in the first place, and transcends existence.
} Almost everything you can say about him/her/it is demonstrably false in
} some way. Whose stupid idea was it to give John the Oracle as a subject
} anyway?
}
} PIVOE: Mine! You're fired!
}
} Trudi: Living or dead?
}
} John: Living.
}
} VO: [Sound-effects of smashing glass, and of a microphone being trodden
} upon. Heavily.]
}
} Trudi: Famous or infamous?
}
} John: Famous.
}
} New VO: Unless you count all the people who have been zotted.
}
} Trudi: Best known for being clever or stupid?
}
} John: Clever.
}
} NVO: Some have said too clever by half, but never mind.
}
} Trudi: Intellectual or politician?
}
} John: Intellectual.
}
} NVO: Trudi just wasted a question there...
}
} Trudi: Is this person a scientist?
}
} John: Er, yes.
}
} NVO: The Oracle of course was present when Archimedes went looking for
} a towel, when Isaac Newton looked up and said, "that's odd, I could
} have sworn this was a pear tree", and when Einstein approved the patent
} for the paperclip and got fired.
}
} Trudi: Does this person communicate only using a computer?
}
} John: Yes!
}
} Trudi: Is is Stephen Hawking?
}
} John: No.
}
} Trudi: Does this person know anything about marmots?
}
} John: Err... [stuttering and starting to panic]
}
} NVO: The Oracle has famously never answered a single question about
} marmots, leading some to believe that he/she/it has a blind-spot about
} them.
}
} John: ... I'm not sure.
}
} NVO: And Trudi looks as though she knows the answer...
}
} Trudi: Is it the Internet Oracle?
}
} [ Klaxon sound effects and flashing lights. ]
}
} Host: And we have a winner! Trudi goes through to the next round of
} "Twenty Questions". John, you get this cuddly toy.
}
} [ Closing music ]
}
} You owe the Oracle some certainty in life.


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