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} The Oracle, in its infinite wisdom, senses that the mirrors of
} prophecy have darkened somewhat, and thus cannot choose the proper
} form of response to your question. Please locate the adjective below
} that best describes you, and read your corresponding response.
}
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
} ALT.FLAMER:
}
} Yell "Hey, God!" Wait a second. Yell "Hey, God, you *&^$#@ piece of
} omnipotent #@%&*, get your #@$ down here!" Wait a second. Mumble
} "&@!$#!@$%&#@" under your breath. Give up.
}
} You owe the Oracle an overly aggressive rhubarb.
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
} UNDER-18 GEEK:
}
} Summoning of God
}
} Can be done only by a magic-user or cleric of level 16 or higher. A
} roll of 35 or above on 2d20 results in the appearance of God as a
} shining white brilliance about 10' in front of the caster. Any
} character touching God must Save vs. Magic Wands or suddenly begin
} singing the Hallelujah Chorus. God attacks as a 30 hit die monster
} and is immune to spells, wands, and funny faces. God can only be hit
} by a paladin with +6 armor and a +5 weapon. When hit, God will say,
} "Ouch! You cur!" and instantly smote the attacking character into
} dust. The dust may be swept into a pile by a +2 broom of sweeping.
}
} -----------------------------------------------------------------------
} ORACLE ADDICT:
}
} Hmm, let me call him. Hey, God!
}
} >Message from god!iuvax on ttyp4 at 21:22 ...
} >Yes, what is it? What do you want?
}
} Somebody wants to talk to you, God.
}
} >Yes? Can't you just give them my Internet address?
}
} Sure would like to, God. But you see, in the context of an Oracular
} message you've degenerated from a halfhearted joke into an
} irrepressively boring formulaic answer.
}
} >What is this? What are you saying?
}
} God, you're dead. Not because of that #@$%*!@ Nietzche, not because
} you're old, not because you hang out at the terminal room on Saturday
} nights. You're dead because you are invoked for answering questions
} like "How much would does a wood chuck chuck if a woodchuck could
} chuck wood?" and "Is Lisa good in bed?" You're such a stiff.
}
} >Watch yourself, Oracle! Or I'll ...
}
} Yeah, yeah, right. You were never very funny, and you're a bore now.
} Know why? I'm making you up.
}
} >What do you mean, "I'm making you up?"
}
} This conversation is totally fake, God. I put that greater-than sign
} in front of your response. You were fun when I first thought of you
} and now you're sorta dull. A response starting with "Message from
} god!iuvax" implies a short snooze for me. You're a dud!
}
} >Oracle, give up this insipid game immediately or I'l
}
} You'll what?
}
} >Or else I'll
}
} You don't understand! I made *you*! I can change your prompt!
}
} :->What are you talking about?
}
} I can screw up your spelling!
}
} ;->Yo are abut to incur my wrtah!
}
} I can predict what you will say before you say it!
}
} ;->But cna yuo predcit waht I say before I sya it?
}
} I can make you say what I want you to say!
}
} ;->Mary had a litle lam its felce was wite a oracle cut it out!
}
} And I can squelch you!
}
} -
}
} Your answer: Do not write to God. Instead direct all questions and
} comments regarding the state of the Universe to the all-knowing Me,
} the Oracle. God is simply a mathematical construct of mine that I use
} to amuse myself during spare clock cycles.
}
} You owe the Oracle your all.
}
} -----------------------------------------------------------------------
} OVER-18 GEEK:
}
} Just a second:
} %grep god /etc/locations
} god: 1 Divine St., Holy Place, Heaven
}
} There you go, but postage is gonna be a bitch.
}
} You owe the Oracle a way to keep the hot side cold and the cold side
} hot.
} -----------------------------------------------------------------------
} ARTS MAJOR:
}
} God
} God
} God where is he?
} God is he?
} God about?
} God
} God around? is
} God where are
} God tell
} God holy
} God holy
} God holy
}
} W A I T I N G F O R G O D - - O H !
}
} God paging God
} paging God God
}
} Just wonderin where God is ... not much to do on this lazy spring morn
} where the aching trees satisfy their liquid hunger through the peat
} and sphagnum and the pain of their days and the solid solicitude of
} their nights (would that be God? no it's too tall, probably a fir)
}
} God
} God
} God od od d d
}
}
} Why
} hast
} thou
} forsaken
} me?
}
} -----------------------------------------------------------------------
} UNDER-13 PRE-GEEK:
}
} hi this is the orclke this is the frist time ive mailed so if I make a
} mis
}
} -----------------------------------------------------------------------
} OPTOMETRIST:
}
} God is in this dot, look very hard ... Do you see him?
}
}
} .
}
}
} -----------------------------------------------------------------------
} TELEVANGELIST:
}
} Good Mornin, brothers and sisters! Ah have a special messidge this
} mornin thet Ah think ev'ry wun of you should be listening to. And
} that messidge is about contactin Gawd. When you board the spiritual
} airline of happiness, you should be Able ... to take your bag of
} Virtue ... and stuff it jus as full as it'll get. Brothers and
} sisters, I have somethin to say heah. On a Spiritual scale of
} happiness from wun to ten, Ah em a ten. You should be a ten. We ALL
} could be tens if we take that first step. Congregation please rise.
}
} [organ music]
} "We All Could Become A Ten"
}
} When God has come unto us all
} Be it summer, be it fall
} We will praise with joy and then
} Spirit'chly become a ten.
}
} Through the Pow'r that gave us life
} Keeps us far from death and strife
} The sequence eight and nine and then
} Finally becomes a ten!
}
} We will knock on heaven's door
} If spirit'chly we are a four
} He doesn't care how bad we've been
} We could all become a ten, AHH-MEN.
}
} Now If yew Want ... to talk to Gawd ... I'll tell ya how its dun. I
} say I'll tell yew hear and now how you can have your private line to
} Gawd. I want everyone in this ministry ... I want ev'ry wun at Home
} and here at the Station ... to Dig down Deep ... and pass that plate
} around ... and Give! ... Give! ... Give! Congregation please rise ...
} oh, yawl never sat down?
}
} [organ music]
} "Give! Give! Give!"
}
} Give! Give! Give!
} Give! Give! Give!
} Give! Give! Give!
} Give! Give! Give!
}
} Give! Give! Give!
} Give! Give! Give!
} Give! Give! Gimme!
} Give! Give! Give! AHH-MEN.
}
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
} MINIMALIST:
}
} Pray.
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