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} Yes, as a matter of fact I do!
}
} So this one day Balder the Beautiful was combing his hair. Yeah, I
} know: shocker! I mean, you know Balder! Blonde, long haired, pretty
} much useless if not for his kick-ass combat abilities and his complete
} invulnerability to everything except mistletoe. I mean, what's that
} about? Who has a vulnerability to mistletoe, right? Well, Balder
} figured that it was so out there in left field that only a real
} switch-hitter would nail the mistletoe thing.
}
} Yeah, right. He forgot all about Loki! I mean, we ALL forgot about
} Loki! When he lost that bet with the Niebelungs and got his mouth sewn
} shut we figured he wouldn't dare show his face in Valhalla for
} thousands of years! I mean, Odin requires all his guests to laugh
} REALLY loud while they're partying, and it's a little bit difficult to
} laugh out loud with your lips sewn together, you know what I mean? Of
} course you do!
}
} So anyway, we're all SMASHED out of our minds on some real primo mead
} that Heimdall brought along. I think he brought about ten thousand
} barrels of the stuff. Really kickass stuff. So, we're all drunk. Odin's
} in the back bedroom getting a lapdance from one of the Valkyrie. Next
} thing you know, there's Loki. No stitches. Mouth operational. Thor was
} passed out or he would have smashed his face in. He hates Loki,
} especially since Loki drew that picture on the side of the mountain of
} Thor dressed as Ballerina Barbie.
}
} So anyway, Loki starts making these loud boasts about how all the gods
} of Asgard are totally invulnerable except Balder, who he says is just
} pretty and that's about it, right? Well, Balder gets pissed. Odin comes
} out, Thor wakes up. It's really intense. Like, I mean Clint Eastwood
} spaghetti western kind of intense, right? So anyway, Odin says, "All
} right, let's have a 'Throw Things At Balder' contest!"
}
} Of course, he probably should have said, "Let's* take turns* throwing
} things at Balder," because the next thing you know, every stick of
} furniture in the drinking hall, every joint of mutton in Valhalla,
} fruit, dwarves, pots and pans and drinking horns and a couple of Volvos
} go flying right at Balder. Well, we managed to get the place cleaned
} up, and Odin says, "All right, let's try that again, you momos!"
}
} So we all took turns. It was kind of predictable. Thor throws his
} hammer, Tyr didn't throw anything because that giant wolf ate his right
} hand, Freya threw an implant, Sif threw some hair care products, etc.
} Well, everyone took their turn and Balder stood there, unscathed,
} right? Well, we forgot about Hodr, the Blind God. Loki says to him,
} "Don't worry! I'll point your hands in the right direction, and let's
} throw.....um.....this branch!"
}
} Yeah.....that vulnerability to everything except mistletoe? I mean who
} knew, right? If I had a chance to be invulnerable to everything except
} one thing, I'd probably choose mistletoe, too! How often do you even
} see that stuff except at Christmas, and then it's usually made from
} plastic, right? So Balder probably figured, "Hey! Christmas was months
} ago! I'm cool!"
}
} Yeah, so the mistletoe pierced his chest. He yelled. A lot. He rolled
} around in pain for quite a while. Then he died, of course. But let me
} tell ya: Not one hair out of place! Now that was a shaggy god!
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