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Best of Internet Oracularities #1576-1600

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1576-1600, 1583-07, 1585-03, 1588-07, 1591-01, 1596-01, 1576-04, 1580-09, 1583-09, 1585-05, 1598-01


Best of Internet Oracularities #1576-1600    (4.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <steve@kinzler.com>
Date: 4 Oct 2023 15:14:12 -0400

Oracularities are the distilled wisdom and sagacity of the Internet
Oracle, as incarnated in its many anonymous e-mail participants.
This collection has been compiled from the regular Oracularities postings
#1576 through #1600 and contains the Oracularities rated by its readers
as among the funniest.

To find out more about the Internet Oracle, send mail to
help@internetoracle.org to receive the Oracle helpfile, or go to
http://internetoracle.org/

The regular Oracularities postings can be found at the website above or
in the Usenet newsgroup rec.humor.oracle.  Open discussion about the
Internet Oracle occurs in the newsgroup rec.humor.oracle.d.  If your
site doesn't carry these newsgroups, contact your news administrator
about starting them, or see the Oracle helpfile about subscribing to
the Oracularities e-mail distribution list.


1583-07    (01084 dist, 4.2 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I am standing here waiting for the free beer. Am I in the right place?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, this is where the bears are waiting for their free lunch.
} Well, they WERE waiting.


1585-03    (00174 dist, 4.2 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The votes are in, and the latest Oracularities have been decided
> and ranked. (Some of them are very rank!) Somehow I (me, myself,
> personally) (parenthetically known both as Suppy and as "Anonymous
> Incarnation Alpha") have received top honors for 87 out the the
> ten Oracularities. Although I am beside myself with joy, I am also
> profoundly disturbed. I have always been regarded as profoundly
> disturbed, though, so that's nothing new. What I need to know is what
> sort of mathematical error could have me contributing more than ten
> supplications and ten incarnations. The total cannot be more than
> twenty, and that would be if I had answered all my own questions,
> which I probably did not. But there it is, 87!
>
> Wait a minute, I did not mean 87!, which is the factorial, and is
> more than equal to 2.107757e+132, but instead just the number 87.
>
> What sort of arithmetic morass have I stepped into, where numbers
> are substantially exceeding their own limits?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Numbers are tricky little blighters. Controlling them takes years of
} training and complete and utter dedication to the cause, which
} explains why mathematicians are a-social loners who, if confronted
} with a shower, would wonder why it was raining indoors, shortly after
} having it explained to them what "outdoors" and "rain" are.
}
} Different numbers require different techniques to stalk.
}
} For example, integers are fairly spaced out, like 1970s hippies, and
} are therefore typically gambol in fields near stone-circles. They are
} usually trapped by being asked why they are opposed to nuclear power
} when their beloved Sun uses it all the time.
}
} Rational numbers are anything but. They jump around and change form
} when you're not looking. Why else would 7/4 be the same as 14/8? They
} are usually trapped by being forced to watch daytime television, as
} that appeals to the lowest common denominator in them.
}
} Irrational numbers are incredibly long-winded, and a terrible bore at
} parties. There are a few celebrities, like pi, e, and that weird one
} that lets you prove there are uncountably many reals. However, most of
} them are like Instagram celebrities: pop up briefly in one exam
} question, get talked about in great detail for 3 days after the exam,
} and then immediately forgotten by everyone except a few die-hard
} fanatics.
}
} The best way to trap a real number is not look at it too closely, and
} hope some physical constant turns out to be equal to it. This confuses
} them, as most real numbers aren't really significant.
}
} Complex numbers are the hardest of all. Part of them is real, but the
} rest is imaginary, so you think you're trying to trap a real number
} but it then claims to be a walrus-baiting chipmunk with the ability to
} juggle alligators. The best way to trap them is to run rings about
} them and turn them into a simple pole. [ Tasteless joke conflating
} poles with Poles and mentioning Hitler removed. - Ed. ]
}
} You owe the Oracle a way of trapping those slippery quaternions, the
} over-achievers of the number-world with as much connection to the real
} world as a home-schooled toadstool that has subsumed other, more
} poisonous toadstools, had absinthe dribbled on it, and is now
} convinced it is the Emperor of Mars.


1588-07    (01255 dist, 4.1 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> this is the worse questoin i ever ax you

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, a puzzle question? I love these.
}
} So, "ask" is spelt "ax". That has to mean something.
} "Questoin" has the last three letters wrong, and "worse" should be
} "worst".
}
} So, combine the incorrectly spelt letters and we have: "taxion".
} This is a theoretical elementary particle that is thought to transmit
} "tax", either in the monetary sense, or in the "taxing questions"
} sense.
} The most taxing question is, of course, "How much tax would the taxman
} tax, if a taxman could tax tax?"
}
} The reductio ad absurdam of this is that taxing tax results in an
} exponential decay of all money that is distributed, so that it's not
} worth the paper that it's written on (although spare bank notes are
} suitable replacements for toilet paper in these troubled times).
}
} But why would you be asking such a basic question? No supplicant can
} poissibly be that stupid (I mean, I know they've tried but, still...)
}
} Ah, I missed the grammatical error: "this" should be "This". The
} important point is the "T".
}
} So, you're asking a taxing question about "Tea".
}
} To which the answer is, no you sub-normal colonial, you cannot be
} released from the tea tax. If we do that, then you'll only go and
} elect your own moronic government who couldn't get themselves out of a
} pickle jar that had already had the lid unscrewed.
}
} You owe it to the Oracle to postpone the Boston Tea Party until
} social-distancing requirements are over and we can party like it's
} 1773 all over again.


1591-01    (01144 dist, 4.1 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Albatross? Where did I get this albatross?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, the old mysterious albatross in the mail scam. It works like this.
}
} First, you receive an albatross in the mail. You'll notice that the
} box has a Nigerian postmark, and no actual return address.
}
} Then, usually within a week, you'll receive an email. The sender will
} say that they sent you an albatross in the mail, but only intended to
} send you a pigeon. They'll ask you to send the balance back to them,
} with the difference between an albatross and a pigeon according to
} valuemybird.com being two pheasants and a hedge sparrow. You, being an
} honest and upstanding citizen, as well as being more naive than a
} stale bowl of custard, send them the pheasants and hedge sparrow by
} return mail.
}
} Sometime after this, you'll notice that the albatross hasn't moved. If
} you follow the same path as many unfortunate people before you, you'll
} gingerly investigate the albatross (having previously been too scared
} to go within range of that meaty pinkish beak, and look closer. Yes,
} it'll be a fake albatross, typically made of a variety of unused items
} such as dandelion fluff and skillfully carved asbestos.
}
} So, you then realise that you have received a valueless (and
} potentially toxic) fake bird, and in response you have sent the
} scammer two real pheasants and a hedge sparrow. You see how it works?
}
} You owe The Oracle nothing. In fact I'll give you something from
} myself. Just sign into www.paypal_actually_not_and_dodgy_as_hell.com
} with your details and you'll find I've sent you a cool $1000 to do
} with as you please.


1596-01    (01134 dist, 4.1 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have given up at trying to understand all the different measurement
> systems. "Bake in a 13 cm square pan at 350 degrees for half a
> fortnight." What is that in Regulo numbers? Who cares? What's for
> dinner?
>
> So I plan to make a different system that is better. The Continental or
> cgs system is totally unusable. I need something with more pounds to
> the inch and fewer seconds to the Date of Easter, unless Passover is
> early next year. More gallons per quart, too. Plus Lot's of Salt.
> Kilogrammes.
>
> Your advice won't be neglected like last time. I might even get you a
> Sandwich.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Obviously for an ounce of salt what you need is what is know as Lots
} of Wives. Chuck behind shoulder and the devil take the hindmost.
}
} You are quite right the cgs makes no sense at all, you can blame the
} French for that. Take pan and boil to 80 Reaumur, then add Lot's Wife
} for fattening or shortening. Boil immersibly. On another pan, at 520
} Kelvin, take two eggs and discard promptly. Whoops. Take two more and
} crack openly. Split into pan, add Broccolie, cucumber and half a kilo
} of the best rice. Stir furiously.
}
} Now add small glass of red wine. Drink wine. Continue stirring.
} Discard pan. In the first pan, you need to add more wine (take sample
} for self, discarding cork). Stir mercilessly. Increase temp to
} something or other, check wine for consistency. In a bowl, add 500g
} flour, while singing to something by Liszt. Check list or Liszt. Check
} wine for consistency and flavour. Discard eggs, mix flour with 10
} grammes butter and stir occasionally. Put in oven for 45 minutes at
} gas mark 6 or 415 Fahrenheit. After 30 minutes remove pan from oven,
} check wine for flavour. Add currants raisins and sultanas return to
} oven for 15 minutes. Add small drop of wine, check once again for
} bouquet. After 15 minutes remove from oven leave to stand (if you
} still can) for about 10 minutes. Check wine for sulphides. If in doubt
} get second bottle. Discard cake, eggs, flour, pans etc in nearest
} recycling facility. Check bottle for emptiness. Then in a small pan at
} 60 Reaumur, 375 Fahrenheit or twenty pounds six shillings and
} ninepence three farthings, grab bottle, cup, pan, eggs, etc. Throw
} into the air. Check bottle for place of origin.
}
} You should now not care about what you are cooking. Discard all, check
} bottle for sell-by date. Cry another tup. If wine sufficiently
} broiled, remove cake from oven and defenestrate. Take from herb garden
} Oregon and Lyme Regis. Add to mix for piquancy. Check bottle. If
} bottle empty, lunch ready. Open bottle, serve-tu and a delicious Lyme
} Regis Pancake with a cheap tart awaits. Bon appetit!
}
} Tu la dette L'Oracle les freres Roux.


1576-04    (11358 dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> It's Xhristmas time here in Biloxi, and Onkel Jens who migrated here
> from back home in Minnesota 60 years ago, when it was still popular to
> do that sort of thing is planning to celebrate in the usual style. He
> is going to get schlonkkered by drinking far too much "snaps" or
> "akvavit" or "aquawit" or whatever name he is calling it this year.
> Usually he says, "It's good stuff. You want some? Yust try it. Yust a
> little. Good for you. Werry good for you."
>
> I tried it once and my brain exploded out through my sinuses.
>
> Once Onkel Jens gets schnokkered on that horrid Swedish booze there in
> no telling what he is going to do next. Last year he was trying to hug
> the Xhristmas tree. What will he do this year? I want to be prepared.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Fortunately for you I have found the police report sent through time
} from the night of Jens' arrest.
}
} -- Report Begins --
}
} The suspect was first drawn to my attention when his pick-up truck
} reversed past me at 30 miles per hour. This surprised me as I was on
} the police harbour patrol boat at the time. It transpired that he had
} attached himself to the Queen Elizabeth Cruise ship in an attempt to
} arrest the Queen Elizabeth for, in his words, "disrespecting the
} democratic process and stuff". On being informed that this was a ship
} and not the Queen of England, he replied, "yeah, but it's a symbol of
} an authoritarian diktat, innit, which is diametrically opposed to the
} natural born right of all free-willed humanity to determine their own
} destiny and better themselves without being oppressed by a non-elected
} oligarchy".
}
} On returning Mr Jens to shore, his truck turned out to contain:
} Twelve clones of Ringo Starr,
} Eleven experts in cake decoration (very good at piping icing)
} Ten peers of the realm (all hopping mad),
} Nine dancing girls,
} Eight wives of rich husbands, milking it for all they were worth,
} Seven ballet dancers from Swan Lake,
} Six Cockney geezers alloying copper and zinc to form brass,
} A copy of the Olympic Games logo,
} Four clones of Adele calling her ex, going, "Hello".
} Three 'N's from the sign for the French restaurant Le Bernardin, New
} York City. Two complete bars of Dove soap,
} and Alan Partridge straddled between a pair of Norfolk beeches.
}
} Unfortunately, while I was attempting to explain to the eighth Mr
} Starr that he still wasn't the best drummer in the Beatles, Mr Jens
} escaped as I had omitted to confiscate his mobile phone, and he had
} called an Uber.
}
} Ten minutes later, I re-apprehended Mr Jens and informed him that the
} plastic Rudolph did not need to be 'freed from the reins of
} human-servitude and helped to lead a natural life in the wild'.
} However, while I was handcuffing Mr Jens, the Santa sleigh that
} Rudolph was attached to broke loose and went back down the hill
} towards the harbour. As I had managed to handcuff Mr Jens to the
} sleigh, he followed it, somewhat unwillingly.
}
} Using my detective skills, I followed the trail of destruction until I
} found the sleigh parked on top of a fire hydrant, and Mr Jens
} attempting to tear down a nearby Christmas tree. He seemed to be
} singing 'O Tannenbaum' but in his inebriated state was confusing it
} with 'The Red Flag', as he interspersed the tuneless rendition with
} shouts of, "Why must I be a Communist?"
}
} Mr Jens was eventually persuaded to come quietly by giving him a
} lighted candle to hold, although I believe he was murmuring, "Soon I
} will set you free to burn the world."
}
} By this point, Mr Jens appeared to be sobering up, and was now more
} concerned about the poor turkey he'd eaten for Christmas dinner, and
} how its children were going to survive.
}
} I hope that this report goes some way to excuse my failure to stop the
} smuggling of 100,000 gallons of eggnog from the harbour yesterday
} evening.
}
} -- Report Ends --
}
} You owe the Oracle 10,000 gallons of eggnog.


1580-09    (10326 dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Yet ANOTHER week just like the other ones! Can't I please have some
> different days next week? I am so sick and tried of the usual MTWTFSS
> days.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Shhhhhh; keep your voice down. Do you *want* to start another
} diplomatic incident?
}
} What do you mean, 'what's this got to do with diplomacy'? Don't you
} have *any* idea the problems we faced last time someone tried to
} change the days of the week?
}
} Clearly you don't. It might make things clearer if I send you a
} transcript of what happened...
}
} * BEGINS *
}
} Supreme Overlord Of Time and Years: OK, simmer down. I call to order
} this meeting of all known European gods to decide who gets naming
} privileges for the days of the week. First, apologies for absence?
}
} Clerk: Only from Yahweh. He's stuck on a mountain in Sinai, apparently.
} Again.
}
} SOOTY: Thank Pete for that. As you know, there are only seven days to
} go around, and there's 127 of you, so some of you are going to be
} disappointed. First up, 'Sunday'. I think we all agree that until the
} humans start harnessing Sagittarius for power, nothing will beat the
} Sun.
}
} Concordia: Isn't Yahweh going to be a bit annoyed about that? I mean,
} the whole 'resurrection on the first day' thing, means he thinks he
} has a claim on it.
}
} SOOTY: Yeah, well, he should have made the effort to be here. Look, if
} it helps, we can pretend we wanted to call it "Son" day after Jason,
} or whatever his name is, but Clerk here misheard and spelt it Sun.
} Sorry to drop you in it, Clerk.
}
} Clerk: Not a problem, your honour.
}
} SOOTY: Right, next up, Moon. No, that wasn't an instruction Bacchus;
} pull your trousers back up. Any objections? No, let's move on. Two
} contenders for the next one. Mars and Tyr.
}
} Mars: Tyr and I have sorted this one out. We had a duel and he won
} single handedly. Well he couldn't do much else, could he? Sorry, Tyr,
} just a joke.
}
} Tyr: So, everyone north of Denmark will call it Tyr's day, and
} everyone south will call it Mars Day.
}
} SOOTY: Thank you; nice to see some collaboration on this. Next up, day
} 4? Two contenders again. Odin, you speak first.
}
} Odin: Thank you. I think that this whole meeting has become too
} Roman-centric. The northerners have not been listened to, and you're
} all just a bunch of overpaid, unelected gods who don't understand the
} local concerns of hard-working northerners.
}
} * Collective groans; and mutterings *
}
} SOOTY: Order, order. Will you all SHUT UP! Priapus, if you have
} something to say, stand up and say it. Janus, turn around, I don't
} want to see the back of your head. Cloacina, stop talking
} you-know-what. Can we hear from Mercury?
}
} Mercury: Yes, I would be happy to concede naming to Odin for the
} north, but I think that the south should not be held to ransom by such
} a small part of the Roman Empire.
}
} SOOTY: OK, we'll put it to the vote. In favour of Mercury's proposal?
} Thank you? Against?
}
} Clerk: I make that 52% in favour of Mercury, and 48% against.
}
} SOOTY: OK, Mercury wins. So that's Merc's day in the south and Odin's
} day in the north. Day five?
}
} * Loud rumblings are heard *
}
} SOOTY: Yes, Robigo, it's nearly lunchtime. Oh sorry, that was Thor and
} Jupiter having a little scrap, was it? Since we don't have time to
} wait for one of them to surrender, let's split it as before.
}
} Clerk: Point of order; we don't seem to have fulfilled our diversity
} quota. Four days out of five so far have gone to male deities.
}
} SOOTY: Oh, Frigg it. Sorry, she prefers Freya these days. Any other
} contenders? Sit down Juno, you've got a whole month. At the moment,
} anyway. Naenia, stop crying. Right, Freya it is.
}
} SOOTY: OK, one left. It's nearly lunchtime, so we'll make this quick.
} Someone wake up Somnus, would they? I think Suadela managed to get a
} consensus on this one earlier, so we'll go with Saturn, shall we?
}
} Clerk: That's unanimous.
}
} * Shouts are heard as Thor and Jupiter re-enter the chamber, still
} brawling. They accidentally push into Pax, who thumps Thor over the
} head. Meanwhile, Averruncus anoints Jupiter with something
} unmentionable from Sterquilinus's bag. The whole chamber descends into
} chaos. *
}
} * ENDS *
}
} You owe the Oracle a good excuse not to have to go to the meeting on
} naming months.


1583-09    (02236 dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> There is a city in Russia or the USSR or one of those places that is
> spelled LVIV, which is clearly a Roman Numeral, but done wrong. I am
> trying to decode it. It come out to 50-5-4, which would be 59 maybe,
> changing the spelling to LIX, which evokes memories of Tootsie Roll
> Pops.
>
> Please tell me the history of using Noman Rumerals to name citys.
>
> Or it you can't do that (because of how stupid I am when i try to be a
> supplican't) then explain something completely different. Maybe this:
> [ v=aiVOG199X2c on youtube ]

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The first ever city was called I. Much confusion was had when the
} architects were holding a competition to name the city. Voters wanted
} to call it Towny McTown Face, but this was ruled inappropriate by Mr
} McTowny, the mayor, who was sensitive about his face. When the city
} elders overruled the vote and decided to call it 'I', the following
} exchange resulted:
}
} Interviewer: So, you want to call this city 'I'?
} City elder: 'I', aye, that's correct.
} Interviewer: What, you now want to call it aye-aye? Like the lemur?
} City elder: No, just I.
} Interviewer: But you said II.
} City elder: Aye, I said 'I', aye.
} Interviewer: This conversation is getting silly.
} City elder: Aye.
}
} Fun fact: The city of Milan was completed in 1049 C.E.
} Lima was completed in 1049 B.C.E.
}
} Cixi, in China, was due to be completed in 109 C.E., but painting the
} road signs took longer than expected, and was only completed in 110
} C.E.
}
} Another fun fact: The city centre of Liverpool is 54 feet below
} sea-level. The Beatles' hit 'Yellow submarine' was composed in John
} Lennon's bath, 50 feet below Yoko Ono.
}
} Unrelated fact: Liza Minnelli's top half is 51, and her bottom half is
} 1001.
}
} You owe the Oracle a video of a lumberjack wearing better safety
} equipment than suspenders and a bra.


1585-05    (01173 dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Need to learn about the element Nargon, which is Argon but made
> entirely of anti-particules. I think it is anti-inert.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Nargon is indeed one of the six ignoble gases, the others being
} Neilium, Minion, Obvion, Lennon and the radioinactive Nadron. Like all
} ignoble gases, it reacts passive-aggressively to most things, and has a
} very short shelf-life.
}
} The ertness of ignoble gases is well established except under normal
} conditions. They are usually obtained out of thin air, the by products
} usually being politicians' promises and free money. Argon lamps, at the
} end of their lives, convert the argon to nargon which is why the lamp
} becomes dark.
}
} When inhaled in sufficient quantities Nargon is hallucinogenic or so
} my mate the three eyed ha ha ha ha sorry the three eyed green spotted
} pink ha ha ha ha ha ha sorry ha ha ha ha.
}
} You owe the Oracle a tabular period.


1598-01    (01355 dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> (snort)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ahhh, a horse. I do not get very many questions from horses. Indeed,
} your "snort" might not be a question, but instead a profound statement.
} It's likely that you need advice on handling unskilled riders. Here's
} what to do.....
}
} If the rider is not so painful that you have already given him
} impromptu aviation, then simply take off at a trot or even a gallop,
} go all the way down to the far side of the ring, and perform your
} very best pivot. Owing to the laws of motion, your rider will be
} unlikely to accomplish your sudden change in direction, and will be
} dumped unceremoniously on the ground. Trot proudly back.
}
} To complete the dumped rider's misery you might then allow a
} three-year-old child to ride, demonstrating to your unskilled previous
} passenger that the problem lay not with the horse, but with the rider.
}
} You owe the Oracle a vector shaped like a carrot.


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