} Well, first of all, you have got to apologise! The Muse was round my
} place this morning, and let me tell you, she was in a foul mood! What
} on earth propmted you to say all that stuff about Ada being a great
} language? I mean, you really know how to hurt someone, don't you?
}
} There aren't many ways to appease her at the moment, but here are a few
} friendly suggestions (and I'm only telling you for her sake, you
} understand - she's a *very* good friend, if you see what I mean ...)
}
} 1) Throw away all your books on Ada (and Pascal, for that matter).
} Trash all the compilers you can find that don't accept postfix AND
} prefix operators (The Muse likes a bit of variety in her sex life).
} Get the fastest optimising C compiler you can, and set it up to
} compile and execute the following program 32767 times:
}
} #include <apologies.h>
} #include <abasement.h>
} #include <Muse/favourite_toys.h>
} #include <Muse/sexy_underwear.h>
} #include <Muse/ice_cream.h>
} #define FAULT mine
} #define ME 0xBADBADBADBAD
} #define CRAWL_NO 256
} main(argc, argv)
} int argc;
} char **argv;
} {
} int crawling=0;
} for(crawling=0; crawling>CRAWL_NO; crawling++) {
} /* THATS how you use */
} abase(ME); /* ++ (postfix ...) */
} castigate(ME);
} humble(ME);
} humiliate(ME,whip(),beat());
} buy(expensive_toy());
} buy(leatherwear());
} buy(choc_chip_ice_cream());
} buy(red_roses(12));
} }
} printf(stdnationalnewspaper,"I'm sorry! I'm sorry!\n");
} printf(stdlocalpaper,"%s is truly sorry, Muse. Truly sorry!\n",
} my_name());
} }
}
} 2) Cover your body with green paint, shave off all your hair, and paint
} the bald patches red. Stand out in the snow until you turn blue
} underneath. Shout at the top of your voice "Oh Muse of Programming!
} I apologise! Please, please, please come back! I promise I won't
} complain when you beat me at Tetris! I'll do anything for you! I
} was a bad bad bad boy! I'll never even look at another programming
} language again! Countess Ada Lovelace means nothing to me! It was
} all a mistake! I'll do anything!" If you're lucky, she'll come
} back. And expect to have to keep that last promise ... we were
} discussing things she'd like to do to you over toast this morning,
} and at least two things she came up with curdled the milk ...
}
} 3) Pluck out all your nostril hair and sellotape it to a listing of your
} last program together - she likes hairy coding.
}
} 4) Become a TV Evangalist promoting the values of C and C++, and get
} everyone to send all their money to Richard Stallman. Don't worry
} if you still don't know what ++ means, lack of Godly grace never
} stopped the religious evangalists in the past ...
}
} 5) Go without food, drink, natural sunlight and human company for 24
} days, and spend it staring into your VDU at the diagnostic output of
} cc when trying to compile the output from a particularly good game
} of nethack. Then figure out an effective algorithm for this year's
} version of nethackomatic, write it out in incomprehensible
} handwriting on the back of a piece of loo paper, and post it to me,
} here. If it's any good, I think I may be able to persuade the Muse
} to nip over to help you out with such a humanitarian project.
}
} Basically, you see, she does like you quite a lot (and quite often going
} by what I've heard...) but you have really upset her pride. She was
} considering sleazing it down to the CS labs and picking up some spotty
} adloscent short-sighted fresher, and teaching him all about life (well,
} C and USENET, anyway) just to spite you, but I've convinced her to wait
} just a few days so that you can prove that you are really sorry.
} Of course, if you're not, then we're going to send around Butch, the
} net.vicious.rottweiler.god, who will eat your testicles and typing
} fingers up to the wrist.
}
} Good luck, and may you make the right decisions!
}
} You owe the Oracle an optimising compiler that detects benckmarks, and
} compiles down to a single NOP every single time. And a banana.
|