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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey Oracle!  You gave me a shitty answer!  Take This! >                                 _ >                                / \ >                               |\_/| >                               |---| >                               |   | >                               |   | >                             _ |=-=| _ >                         _  / \|   |/ \ >                        / \|   |   |   ||\ >                       |   |   |   |   | \> >                       |   |   |   |   |   \ >                       | -   -   -   - |)   ) >                       |                   / >                        \                 / >                         \               / >                          \             / >                           \           / >                            |         | >                            |         | >                            |         |

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thank you for your prompt payment. }                              _       _ }                          _  / \     / \ }                         / \|   |   |   ||\ }                        |   |   |   |   | \> }                        |   |   |___|   |   \ }                        | -   -   -   - |)   ) }                        |                   / }                         \                 / }                          \               / }                           \             / }                            \           / }                             |         | }                             |         | }                             |         |

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Does smoking cause brain damage?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The imperious, impervious, and impecunious Oracle will provide you with } multiple answers to your question, at no extra charge. } } 1)  No.  Brain damage causes smoking. } 2)  No.  Lung damage and heart damage usually get you first. } 3)  No  iv smoked for teh last thurty yeers ad it hasnt damagd my brane }     yet. } 4)  No, at least no worse than taking hits off your car's exhaust pipe }     does. } 5)  No, as long as it's done by other people in other places. } 6)  No.  By the time a salmon gets smoked, it's already dead. } 7)  No, unless your dad catches you. } 8)  No, unless the smoking is done by a pistol aimed at your cranium. } 9)  No, there's (*snicker*) never been scientific (*teehee*) proof }     (*guffaw*). } 10) No, smoking doesn't brain damage people.  People brain damage }     people, by manufacturing cigarettes. } } You owe the Oracle a pair of scissors and a water pistol.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If I passed algebra but failed calculus, what does that say about me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You do it discretely but not continuously.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Oh wise and superglue-sniffing Oracle, tell me: > >       Why does a fierce green snake always bar the way?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why does a fierce green snake always bar the way? } } You've obviously been playing too many of those adventure games from } Infocom! } } The one to which you are referring, I believe, deals with computer } programming.  Called "Wizard Simulator", it is about a huge } macrocomputer that starts to simulate the real world.  Unfortunately, } the simulated world includes itself and thousands of people, including } you, who you must release somehow into the real world. } } Let me boot this program on my PC and see if I can help you... } } <rrrrrt fnk fnk fnk fnk> } } OUTSIDE YOUR CUBICLE } You stand in a field of cubicles.  As far as you can see, there neat } rows of offices with no tops and no privacy.  Your office is to the } East.  The restroom is to the West.  A water cooler stands here, } complete with Dixie cups. } } > GO WEST. } } INSIDE YOUR CUBICLE } This cramped office holds a chair, personal workstation, and several } manuals.  Outside your cubicle, your boss walks by.  The workstation is } off. } } > TURN WORKSTATION ON. } } I do not know how to turn a workstation. } } > TURN ON WORKSTATION. } } Your sexual advances are ignored by the workstation. } } > PRESS START BUTTON ON WORKSTATION. } } I do not know the word 'button'.  Your boss walks by your cubicle. } } > ON. } } What would you like to on? } } > WORKSTATION } } You are now on top of your workstation, crouching just under the low } ceiling.  Up here, where you have never noticed before, is a small vent } leading upwards. } } > GO UP. } } A fierce green snake bars your way! } } > KILL SNAKE WITH MANUAL. } } You take the manual.  You swat the snake with the manual, but it does } not seem to do any good.  Your boss walks by your cubicle.  "Hey you } idiot, what the hell are you doing?"  Your boss takes out a cattle prod } and leans over to zap you!! } } * * * YOU HAVE DIED * * * } Score 0 out of a possible 355. } } Hmm.  The Oracle is kind of stuck here, too.  I suggest moving the water } cooler into your office and standing on it holding the workstation. } Your boss won't dare zap you when you are carrying such an expensive } piece of equipment.  Instead, he will miss you and hit the snake.  Good } luck! } } The Oracle suggests you try this in real life before risking your } character in the game.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is Zeno's Paradox? > If you don't know don't answer at all!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Zeno's paradox is best illustrated as follows:  I'll give you half of } the answer to your question -- } } > Zeno was a famous Greek philosopher who attempted to prove that motion } > does not exist.  The most famous of his paradoxes goes like this: } > Suppose we want to move from point A to point B.  We do so by moving } > to a point halfway between A and B, then to another p } } Then half of the remaining answer to your question -- } } > oint halfway between there and B, and to another point halfway between } > there and B, and so on and so on.  As you can see, since t } } And half of the next part -- } } > here is always some distance left between the point we're at and } } And the next part -- } } >  point B, we never get to point } } And the next -- } } > B.  Hence, motio } } And the next -- } } > n is imp } } And so on -- } } > ossi } } And so on -- } } > bl } } And so on -- } } > e } } See, you *still* have no idea what I'm talking about, right? } } QED.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The Muse of Programming has left me, and I can't even remember how to > use the ++ operator.  What can I do to restore my talents?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, first of all, you have got to apologise!  The Muse was round my } place this morning, and let me tell you, she was in a foul mood!  What } on earth propmted you to say all that stuff about Ada being a great } language?  I mean, you really know how to hurt someone, don't you? } } There aren't many ways to appease her at the moment, but here are a few } friendly suggestions (and I'm only telling you for her sake, you } understand - she's a *very* good friend, if you see what I mean ...) } } 1) Throw away all your books on Ada (and Pascal, for that matter). }     Trash all the compilers you can find that don't accept postfix AND }     prefix operators (The Muse likes a bit of variety in her sex life). }     Get the fastest optimising C compiler you can, and set it up to }     compile and execute the following program 32767 times: } }    #include <apologies.h> }    #include <abasement.h> }    #include <Muse/favourite_toys.h> }    #include <Muse/sexy_underwear.h> }    #include <Muse/ice_cream.h> }    #define FAULT mine }    #define ME 0xBADBADBADBAD }    #define CRAWL_NO 256 }    main(argc, argv) }    int argc; }    char **argv; }    { }       int crawling=0; }       for(crawling=0; crawling>CRAWL_NO; crawling++) { }                                               /* THATS how you use */ }           abase(ME);                          /* ++ (postfix ...)  */ }           castigate(ME); }           humble(ME); }           humiliate(ME,whip(),beat()); }           buy(expensive_toy()); }           buy(leatherwear()); }           buy(choc_chip_ice_cream()); }           buy(red_roses(12)); }       } }       printf(stdnationalnewspaper,"I'm sorry!  I'm sorry!\n"); }       printf(stdlocalpaper,"%s is truly sorry, Muse.  Truly sorry!\n", }              my_name()); }    } } } 2) Cover your body with green paint, shave off all your hair, and paint }     the bald patches red.  Stand out in the snow until you turn blue }     underneath.  Shout at the top of your voice "Oh Muse of Programming! }     I apologise!  Please, please, please come back!  I promise I won't }     complain when you beat me at Tetris!  I'll do anything for you!  I }     was a bad bad bad boy!  I'll never even look at another programming }     language again!  Countess Ada Lovelace means nothing to me!  It was }     all a mistake!  I'll do anything!"  If you're lucky, she'll come }     back.  And expect to have to keep that last promise ... we were }     discussing things she'd like to do to you over toast this morning, }     and at least two things she came up with curdled the milk ... } } 3) Pluck out all your nostril hair and sellotape it to a listing of your }     last program together - she likes hairy coding. } } 4) Become a TV Evangalist promoting the values of C and C++, and get }     everyone to send all their money to Richard Stallman.  Don't worry }     if you still don't know what ++ means, lack of Godly grace never }     stopped the religious evangalists in the past ... } } 5) Go without food, drink, natural sunlight and human company for 24 }     days, and spend it staring into your VDU at the diagnostic output of }     cc when trying to compile the output from a particularly good game }     of nethack.  Then figure out an effective algorithm for this year's }     version of nethackomatic, write it out in incomprehensible }     handwriting on the back of a piece of loo paper, and post it to me, }     here.  If it's any good, I think I may be able to persuade the Muse }     to nip over to help you out with such a humanitarian project. } } Basically, you see, she does like you quite a lot (and quite often going }  by what I've heard...) but you have really upset her pride.  She was }  considering sleazing it down to the CS labs and picking up some spotty }  adloscent short-sighted fresher, and teaching him all about life (well, }  C and USENET, anyway) just to spite you, but I've convinced her to wait }  just a few days so that you can prove that you are really sorry. } Of course, if you're not, then we're going to send around Butch, the }  net.vicious.rottweiler.god, who will eat your testicles and typing }  fingers up to the wrist. } } Good luck, and may you make the right decisions! } } You owe the Oracle an optimising compiler that detects benckmarks, and }  compiles down to a single NOP every single time.  And a banana.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Can I be Lisa for just a day?  Please, pretty please?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Certainly.  *poof*  OK, now you're Lisa.  My goodness, what large ... } Never mind; you've got a busy day ahead of you: } } 07:30am:  Wake up } } 07:45am:  Shower, apply makeup.  Decide that you hate makeup, change. } } 08:20am:  Get dressed.  Decide you hate clothing choices, change. } } 09:07am:  Arrive just in time for your OBGYN appointment.  You've }   brought along a set of woolen slippers so that the stirrups aren't }   _quite_ so cold, an entire back year of _Scientific American_ for }   the wait in the lobby, and an electric cattle prod just in case }   the doctor even _thinks_ about using an unheated speculum on you. } } 10:22am:  He did use the unheated speculum, but the cattle prod was }   out of reach.  After a thorough and humiliating exam, he told you }   that it was all in your head, women are often like that, and that }   the visit cost you $127.22. } } 11:30am:  Lunch, early.  Deflect pass from computer science dweeb.  At }   least, you assume it was a pass:  He came up, tried to speak (but }   only stuttered) while staring at your breasts, hands shaking so }   badly that he was knocking ice cubes out of his drink onto your }   shoes. } } 1:00pm:  Study in library.  Jock comes up, sits next to you, pretends }   to study (you notice book is upside down), puts hand on thigh. }   You move.  He follows.  You leave library.  He follows, but is }   distracted by another female student in imperceptably shorter }   skirt. } } 2:30pm:  Drop off project in TA's office.  He tells your breasts (why }   do men never speak to you directly?) that he might just lose the }   project unless you gave him something to remember you by.  You }   inquire if a sexual harrassment lawsuit would be sufficiently }   memorable.  He turns red, muttering how women have no sense }   of humor.  You leave. } } 2:45pm to 6:45pm:  Work on next project in terminal room.  Excepting }   stares (computer science types must grow up on a planet without }   women, you decide), you are undisturbed. } } 7:30pm:  You arrive back at home to find message from boyfriend }   cancelling date.  You start running a bath. } } 7:50pm:  You get another phone call from boyfriend, telling you his }   plans fell through and could you two still get together?  With }   a sigh, you agree, and let the water out of the tub. } } 8:45pm:  He arrives, you leave for dinner. } } 10:00pm:  You return after a pleasant dinner.  Necking on couch }   follows. } } 10:15pm:  Complete undress achieved. } } 10:30pm:  He falls asleep.  You consider, but reject the vibrator }   as being too noisy, and run a bath instead. } } 11:15pm:  You fall asleep. } } *poof*  See, now wasn't that fun?  We have a special _seven day_ } package, if you're interested.  Hello? } } You owe the Oracle a copy of "Women Who Love Too Much."

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Magnificent Oracle, whose wisdom teeth impact the whole world with > dental agony, > > I haven't had a dental checkup in ten years.  Is it worth it to go in, > or should I just blow my jaw off with a shotgun and be done with dental > floss once and for all?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Comparison of Dental Checkup Techniques:  A Field Study by the Oracle, } MD, DDS, PHD, MS, BS, CPA, and a BMF besides. } } One hundred mortal subjects were selected based on their lack of dental } checkups over a period no less than five years previous to this date. } This was accomplished by the convenient method of rounding up people } found in college computer labs on Friday and Saturday nights, and giving } those people Breathalyzer(TM) tests.  Those for whom the Breathalyzer } machine turned sickly green were selected as subjects. } } Fifty of the subjects were selected at random to receive a dental } checkup via Method A (dentist), while the others received Method B } (twelve-gauge).  The experiment was triple-blind - i.e., the subjects } did not know at any time which treatment they were receiving, the } experimenters did not know at any time which treatment they were } administering, and the Oracle has consistently disavowed knowledge of } the entire experiment. } } Criteria listed below were checked during treatment and at various times } afterwards, as appropriate. } } Criteria               Method A                Method B } --------               --------                -------- } patient expressed      yes, quite loudly       patients' expressions }   pain during                                    were priceless during }   treatment                                      treatment } patient requested      yes, quite loudly       patient seemed too }   painkillers                                    surprised to react }   during treatmen } patient was able       yes, some left early    patients were kept for }   go home same day                               further supervision } patient expressed      yes, there were         no patient spoke out }   negative feelings      complaints              against their }   about treatment                                treatment }   afterwards } patient mentioned      no such comments        all patients sat in }   looking forward to                             chair, quietly }   next treatment                                 looking forward } mortality rate         zero percent            102 percent (one }   within a week                                  experimenter was }                                                  accidentally shot) } lawsuits filed         three                   forty-four }   within a week } } As is clear from the data above, Method B is superior to Method A in } almost all respects.  Method B is less expensive, much simpler and } quicker, and leads to far fewer complaints on the part of the patient. } Further study is likely to reveal that Method B can be administered by a } "dentist" with far less experience than that required by Method A - that } is, a duck-hunting license will suffice in lieu of a DDS. } } You owe the Oracle all that dental floss you won't be needing.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I heard aphids are born pregnant.  Is this true?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes indeed.  This is one of the many wonderous but little publicized } facts about the Animal Kingdom.  Some others are: } } 1) Carpenter ants are born constipated, DESPITE the fact that they have } the highest percentage of dietary fiber in their diets ever recorded } (tied for first place with termites, who, however, have no such } digestive irregularities.) } } 2) Hyenas are the only known animal with an internal supply of nitrous } oxide.  Central African efforts to tap this natural resource to improve } dentistry have been a disappointment, although they have had the side } benefit that the treatment of amputated limbs is now much better } understood. } } 3) Humpback whales are born with a fluent command of English, French, } Spanish, German, Russian, and seventeen other human languages(fnord). } The fluty sing-song language they use when in the presence of humans is } due to a misunderstanding caused by the fact that the whales' first } human contact was with a Swiss Yodeler. } } 4) North American salmon have only recently begun swimming up mountain } streams to spawn.  They were, in fact, perfectly happy to do their } spawning in the sea before a blitz advertising campaign by Coors Beer on } network TV convinced them that no young, vibrant fish would be caught } dead in anything but Rocky Mountain spring water. } } Other such interesting facts can be found in Imaginitive Pseudoscience } Magazine, but you owe the Oracle a year's subscription to Omni instead: } it's a little more entertaining and less rigorous than IPM.