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Best of Internet Oracularities #251-275

Goto:
251-275, 270-10, 275-06, 264-02, 263-07, 265-10, 269-09


Best of Usenet Oracularities #251-275    (4.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 29 May 91 23:30:05 GMT

Oracularities are the distilled wisdom and sagacity of the Usenet
Oracle, as incarnated in its many anonymous e-mail participants.  This
collection has been compiled from the regular Oracularities postings #251
through #275 and contains the Oracularities rated by its readers as
among the funniest.

To find out more about the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
   oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu    or    {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.

The regular Oracularities postings can be found in the Usenet newsgroup
alt.humor.oracle.


270-10    (01239 dist, 4.3 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, great and manly/feminine (depending on the incarnation) Oracle, what
> is it that she thinks of me, this firm blonde woman I love so dearly?
> Moreover, why can I get my finger to stop bleeding ever since I took a
> small divot out of it trying to open a can of mandrine oranges?  It'll
> seem okay for a while, but then it starts bleeding again?  Where is
> Mister Rogers when you need him, and is he going to be in Maddona's next
> video?  Why is it that men like the curves on women?  Why is the sky
> blue?  Why is the wall blue?  Why is my terminal screen -- oh, just a
> second, got my sunglasses on.  Anyway where is Kermit the Frog now,
> after Jim Henson died?  I heard he got into a pretty bad crowd.  Why is
> it that there is dried blood on my keyboard?  Why is the world spinning?
> Why ask why?  Try Bud Dry.  My god, it's full of stars!  What does MC
> Hammer call his personal organ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} > What is it that she thinks of me, this firm blonde woman I love so
} > dearly?
}
}       I shall ask her subconscious...  [hiatus] ... I can see why you
} feel the way you do, and from the little tingle I sensed within her when
} I mentioned your name, I know she has strong desires.  Of course, it may
} simple have been the sound of my blessed voice that excited her.
}
} > Moreover, why can I get my finger to stop bleeding ever since I
} > took a small divot out of it trying to open a can of mandrine oranges?
} > It'll seem okay for a while, but then it starts bleeding again?
}
}       Mandrines have very long, sharp teeth.  Next time, make sure you
} buy known brand products, and then the cans will more likely to have
} been irradiated to kill the little blighters.  To stop the bleeding, dip
} your finger in the syrup from the can, and say the words `It's full of
} stars'.
}
} > Where is Mister Rogers when you need him, and is he going to be in
} > Maddona's next video?
}
}       Kenny will no longer be appearing live in concert, he will
} however, appear quite dead in a video clip with Maddona for her latest
} hit "Once, Twice, Three times a Virgin".
}
} > Why is it that men like the curves on women?
}
}       The male fascination with female curvature arises, basically, from
} early childhood experiences with the curves and straights in toy train
} sets.  All young boys quickly learn that you need curves to make
} anything that's worth putting your choo-choo near.  A few souls discover
} a slight variation, realizing that you can't go round with straights.
}
} > Why is the sky blue?
}
}       All of the universe is made up of the primary colours Red, Blue
} and Green in equal quantities (thus, the Sun produces white light, a
} perfectly mixed combination of these colours).  Unfortunately, when
} earth was forming, most of the Blue component (which is lighter, and as
} such rises) bubbled to the top of the atmosphere.  This gives rise to
} the unusual colouring on the earth:  Green and Red living things.  Man,
} for example, is a Red creature.  A grape is a green creature (although
} red ones do exist).  The only Blue creatures are a few birds and fish,
} which worship Blue, and so try to make themselves Good in its light.  A
} similar occurence happens with humans, where many try to look white or
} black, or some other colour, each believing their Colour to be greatest.
}
} > Why is the wall blue?
}
}       Take off your sunglasses.
}
} > Why is my terminal screen -- oh, just a second, got my sunglasses on.
}
}       The Oracle is truly all-seeing.
}
} > Where is Kermit the Frog now, after Jim Henson died?  I heard he got
} > into a pretty bad crowd.
}
}       Kermit, the poor Green One (he was high in the Priesthood here),
} was so distressed at Jim's death, that he left his world of good
} friends, and turned to the Dark Toads to seek a reason for his loss.
} Unfortunately, during the initiation ceremony, where frog stand in the
} sun for 4 weeks to turn themselves all dry and warty, Kermit simply
} crumbled to a mass of felt fibres with two little plastic eyes on top.
}
} > Why is it that there is dried blood on my keyboard?
}
}       You are SUCH a slow reader!  Put your finger in the syrup NOW, you
} are losing blood.
}
} > Why is the world spinning?  Why ask why?
}
}       HURRY!
}
} > Try Bud Dry.
}
}       No!  The syrup!
}
} > My god, it's full of stars!
}
}       Okay, phew, now on with the questions...
}
} > What does MC Hammer call his personal organ?
}
}       It's just the thing he nails with.
}
} You owe the Oracle a date with the blonde.


275-06    (00285 dist, 4.2 mean)
Selected-By: The Great Squid

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> WHY ISN'T THE EARTH FLAT?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Unfortunately the usual answer lies in physics.  A rotating disk the
} size of the Earth is not gravitationally stable.  The result would be
} a rather unusual asteroid field.
}
} The REAL answer is more interesting.  It all comes back to a
} conversation that I had with God several millenia ago.  As I recall,
} it went something like this...
}
} God: So Oracle, what do you think of the new universe?
}
} Oracle: Good effort.  I give it a 7.
}
} G: WHAT!
}
} O: Well, er, um, the Earth is flat...
}
} G: Yes.  Your powers of observation continue to astonish me.  So what?
}
} O: A flat disk has to have an edge, so what holds the ocean in?
}
} G: It just pours off in a continuous, enormous waterfall.  Quite
} beautiful really.  I'm particularly proud of the spectral effects when
} the Sun is just coming over the horizon.
}
} O: I do not doubt the artistic value of a flat Earth.  However, what
} happens when the Earth runs out of water?
}
} G: Well... I'll just scoop it out of space and drop it on top again.
} I'll call it "rain".  Lots of nice salty rain with the occasional
} fish.  Animals will appreciate the free eats.
}
} O: Salty rain will be highly corrosive, and the dead fish will smell
} terrible.  Also plants don't like too much salt in the ground.
}
} G: Picky, picky.  I guess I will have to extract the salt and fish
} from the water first.
}
} O: What will you do with the extra salt and fish?
}
} G: I will build magnificent statues of Me.  People will say, "God sure
} is handy with salt and dead fish".
}
} O: Great.  Very impressive.  I can see it now, a mile high statue of
} You made entirely of sea salt and dead fish.
}
} G: Now that you put it that way, I can see that there might be an
} image problem.  Fine.  I'll just make the Earth round and forget any
} kind of artistic merit.  I like rain though.  In fact, I can think of
} a few specific uses for really heavy rain.
}
} O: You'll thank me in the end.
}
} There you have it.  You owe the Oracle the entire Diskworld series.


264-02    (11418 dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!felton@uunet.UU.NET

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O mighty and most Truly Interesting Oracle, whose boots we are not
> worthy to lick, and whose peacocks keep us up all night with their noisy
> lovemaking,
>
> Why is it that a new Oracularities Digest comes out every two days --
> and yet whenever I send an "Ask me" I am informed that there are no
> questions to answer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} FROM THE FILES OF INTERNET IGGY, MASTER DETECTIVE
} ---- --- ----- -- -------- ----  ------ ---------
}
} The sun was beating down on the back of my neck like a blackjack as I
} opened my office door.  It was only then that I realized that some
} cheap hood had made off with my ceiling.  I made a mental note to track
} him down, then realized I was out of mental notepaper.  It was not
} going to be a good day.
}
} The figure I saw lurking behind the diffenbachia added more evidence
} to support that conclusion.  He was about five-four with a pasty-white,
} pimply complexion.  A piece of gold wire supported a pair of glass
} billiard balls in front of his eyes.  A white plastic flap with the
} letters "IEEE" hung from his shirt pocket.  Behind it rode an amazing
} collection of pens, pencils, screwdrivers, and a Radio Shack logic
} probe.  His clip-on tie languished at the bottom of his open collar.
} His lips were moving.
}
} "Mr. Iggy, I may have a case for you."
}
} "Teriffic, as long as it's Jack Daniels. In quart bottles."
}
} "I work with computers for a living..."
}
} "How did I ever guess?"
}
} "...and I'm missing something very important."
}
} "I'm not the guy you should talk to then. Look in the yellow pages,
} under 'Urologists'.  Or is that 'Penologists'?"
}
} "You don't seem to understand, Mr. Iggy.  I am in contact with a
} certain, er, Oracle.  Or should I say, I used to be in contact with
} him.  I would ask him to ask me questions.  Then after I asked him to
} ask me the question, he would answer with a question in answer to the
} question I had asked asking for the question.  This question in the
} answer I would then have to answer, and then answer the Oracle with
} the answer to the question he had asked me in answer to the question I
} had asked him asking for the question..."
}
} "Wait a minute, I'm asking the questions here."
}
} "No, it's the Oracle.  Or at least it should be, but it isn't.  You see,
} the question I have is that when I ask for a question whose answer is
} a question I answer..."
}
} "Try that again, geek, and you'll have a gum-wad's-eye view of the
} linoleum."
}
} "In any case, the Oracle does not reply.  Mr. Iggy, I need you to find
} out why. I need the answer to the question of the missing question...
} *O*O*F*!"
}
} I'll give the little guy one thing.  He knew the one way to take a
} Florsheim to the solar plexus.  With great pain.
}
} "OK, Brainiac", I said, "let's get something straight.  I'm not going
} to repeat myself, and I'm not going to say it again.  _I'M_ asking the
} questions around here! And if you don't like it, go see Dashiell
} Hammett!!!"
}
} "Urgh... you're... (gasp) ...brilliant!"
}
} I drew my '38 and swivelled around to see who had walked in.  Then I
} realized that he was still talking to me.
}
} "Me?  -er- so you figured it out, finally?"
}
} "Yes, Mr. Iggy! (*cough*) You're asking the... questions around here!
} So _you_ are in p-p-posession of the missing questions!"
}
} I went to my filing cabinet, carefully stepping on the geek's hand on
} the way.  From the center drawer I removed the file every detective
} worth his flat feet should have.  It was labelled
}
}                                #####
}                               #     #
}                                     #
}                                  ###
}                                  #
}
}                                  #
}
} "You got that from the Oracle!" the geek pronounced.  "You stole it!"
}
} "Yeah, I pinched the questions file.  So what?  You know how boring it
} is around here?  Nothing to keep me occupied but slinky dames, booze,
} fabulous wealth, and mystery.  I've gotta have a little fun you know.
} Here, take it.  But be damn sure to leave it up for anonymous FTP."
}
} "But how can I ever repay you?"
}
} "Just keep out of my site.  But there is one thing."
}
} "Anything! Name it!"
}
} "You owe the Oracle a brown fedora and a pack of unfiltered Luckies."


263-07    (11193 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mistah Orcul,
>
> I'm'a tryin' ta git mah revenge on a dad burned old bastard used to be
> mah frend afore he done me wrong.  What I wanna know is, should I just
> shoot him, or be sutl and crewl and just smash in his haid with a
> mallot?
>
> Thank ye.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} > env LANGUAGE = cornpone
}
} Wall, Jed, it awl 'pend 'pon jes what that there rscal done to ya.  If'n
} he a'stole yer horse, then yer gotta hang'im.  If'n he done stole yer
} woman, then yer gotta shoot'im.  If'n he done used up awl of yer
} computer account tahm, wahl then yer gotta get really mean, an' tear out
} his lungs a'through his nostrils.
}
} If'n it's anythin' else, then yer best be is tuh tie him to a big ole
} brass bed, an tuh leave only one hand free, ya see?  Then ya paint all
} the fingernails on that hand with rattlesnake poison, ya see?  Then ya
} dump a whole box a fahr ants atop'n the bed, and sit aroun' an' wait for
} 'im to start a'scratchin'!  Heee-ya, that'll be fun!
}
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of Cassel's English-Texan/Texan-English
} Dictionary.


265-10    (12246 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Russell S Porter <porter@brahms.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> As you so rightfully predicted, here's the haiku:
>
> Mighty Oracle,
> tell me how to defrost my
> refrigerator.
>
> We aim to please...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle is omniscient.  That doesn't mean, unfortunately, that it is
} infallible.  Sometimes, the Oracle is just STUUUUUPID.  This makes 5,643
} **DIFFERENT** haiku asking how to defrost a refrigerator.  The Oracle
} has to supply a different, creative answer to each one.  And this one is
} the least inspired of them all.  Haiku are supposed to have layers of
} meaning and deep, natural symbolism.  Feh.  Having answered the first
} 5,642 with haiku about how to defrost the refrigerator, the Oracle has
} decided to branch off to something different.
}
} A graduate student of Science
} With a malfunctioning major appliance
} Could not read instructions
} Or make simple deductions
} And had lost all of his self-reliance.
}
} His freezer was not self-defrosting
} And the gathering icepack was costing
} Him the work of three years:
} Frozen pizzas and beers.
} To go shopping was MUCH too exhausting.
}
} He foresaw his demise from starvation,
} Then he suddenly found inspiration:
} "The Oracle knows
} How to banish ice floes!
} I shall tell it the whole situation!"
}
} "O Oracle!" the grad student said
} "Can you save me from what I most dread?"
} Help me conquer the frost!
} I care naught for the cost!!"
} The answer came back, and it read:
}
} "There's an answer; the Oracle knows it:
} Crawl into your icebox and close it.
} The heat your producin'
} Will make the ice loosen.
} If your genitals freeze - well, so goes it!"
}
} The Oracle always replies
} To the questions that come to Its eyes
} But there's always a price
} For Its Holy advice:
} You owe It two large pizza pies.
}
} With mushrooms and extra cheese.


269-09    (02425 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: The Great Squid

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You didn't listen to my advice and got too close to the black hole,
} didn't you?  I told you, not even <carriage-return> can escape the
} deadly grip of the hole's gravity once you cross the event horizon.  The
} answer to your question is:  "No, you can't make it back in time for
} Twin Peaks.  You're stuck in limbo for good."
}
} You owe the Oracle a tachyon custard pie.


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