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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What did the Tibetan monk say to the hot dog vendor?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The most famous exchange between a lama and a hot dog vendor occurred } one block south of Times Square in July 1988. } }     Hot Dog Vendor: What can I get for ya today?  Footlong }                     with the works?  I said, what can I get }                     for ya today?  Hey, ya wanna hot dog or }                     not?  Listen if yer not going to order }                     willya move on, I gotta business to run. }                     Stop starin' at me, man.  And wipe that }                     silly grin off yer face.  Say something, }                     dammit, yer givin' me the creeps.  Hey, }                     I get it.  Ya don't any English, do ya? }                     Uh, lessee, yo, uh, tengo los, uh, hot }                     dogs, uh, perros calientes.  Okay, fine! }                     just stand there.  See if I care.  Just }                     don't scare away the customers.  Jeez. }                     Forget it.  Ya wanna Coke?  Coca-cola? }                     I don't care where yer from, ya gotta }                     understand "Coca-cola".  Coca-cola? }                     Stop smiling.  People'll think yer up }                     to something.  Hey, I got all-beefs, }                     beef-n-porks, turkey dogs, polish }                     sausage, and kielbasa.  You can get }                     ketchup, mustard, mayonnaise, relish, }                     pickles, or onions on them.  I've got }                     plain and whole grain buns.  I don't }                     care what you want, just order something }                     or leave.  I'm serious, man, if you don't }                     go away, I'll call the cops and have them }                     arrest you for loitering.  Jesus Christ, }                     will you stop staring at me!  STOP IT! }                     At least blink once in a while.  You're }                     driving me crazy!  You wanna Coke?  Wait, }                     no, I already tried that.  Listen, man, }                     I'm serious, stop starin' and grinnin' at }                     me.  I gotta gun under the counter.  I'll }                     use it.  I mean it.  STOP STARING AT ME! }                     STOP IT!  STOP IT!  STOPITSTOPITSTOPIT! }                     YOU'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY!  AAAAARGH! }                     STOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPIT!  PLEASE LOOK }                     AWAY!  HERE!  OKAY!  I'M MAKING YOU A }                     HOT DOG FOR FREE!  TAKE IT!  EAT IT! }                     JUST GO AWAY!  STOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPIT! }                     YOU WANNA COKE?  OKAY!  HERE'S A COKE! }                     IT'S ON THE HOUSE!  NOW PLEASE GO AWAY! }                     I CAN'T TAKE ANY MORE OF THIS!  YOUR }                     EYES ARE DRIVING ME INSANE!  PLEASE }                     STOPITSTOPITSTOPISTOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOP! } }             Then the lama widened his grin just enough to barely show }             his teeth.  At that moment the hot dog vendor was }             enlightened. } } You owe the Oracle a better koan.  And a new deli.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> so what do I do????????

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My, my.  Five words, eight question marks.  You must like punctuation } more than you like writing.  No matter, I _like_ writing. } } WELCOME TO THE ORACULAR VERSION OF "WHAT'S MY LINE?" THE INTERNET'S } FAVORITE GAME SHOW.  HERE IS YOUR HOST, THE ORACLE. } } (applause) } } Thank you, and welcome to "What's My Line".  Please meet the } distinguished members of our panel: } } Our first panelist is the hottest thing on Broadway since Nathan's added } peppers to their hot dogs.  Please welcome Andrew Lloyd Webber. } } (applause) } } (singing) I'm really glad to be here tonight, Although I've just had a } terrible fright, Aspects of Love recently closed, Guess I'll have to } stay on my toes. } } Our second panelist is the producer of "Twin Peaks", David Lynch. } } (applause) } } The shadow of the evening will underscore the futility of life.  Are } there to be more deaths once the shortage of Saran Wrap is over? } } Our third panelist is the boy wonder of Redmond, Washington, Bill Gates. } } (applause) } } The User Interface for the USENET Oracle is directly copied from } Windows.  You'll be hearing from our lawyers, assuming Scully doesn't } file suit first. } } Our final panelist is none other than the ghost of Bennet Cerf. } } (applause) } } Thank you John, I mean Oracle.  It's true that the quality of mercy is } not strained.  These days, its pureed. } } Will tonight's mystery guest sign in please. } } (scribble scribble) } } Now panel, please remember to ask questions that can be answered Yes or } No.  We'll begin our questioning with Mr. Webber: } } (singing) You type like a hurried lad, are you perhaps an undergrad? } } Guest:  No. } } Oracle:  That's one down and nine to go.  Mr Lynch: } } Damn, that's good singing!  Are you employed in something which requires } very little training, then? } } Guest:  Yes. } } The Log Lady thinks you might be a computer salesman.  Are you? } } Guest:  No. } } Oracle:  That's two down and eight to go.  Mr Gates: } } My question is in beta test and will be available during the third } quarter. } } Oracle:  That's three down and seven to go.  Mr. Cerf: } } Are you, perhaps, one of the voice stand-ins for Milli Vanilli? } } Guest:  No. } } Oracle:  That's four down and six to go.  Back to you, Mr. Webber. } } (singing) Cats are mystical, and so I say, Do you work mostly by day? } } Guest:  Yes. } } At last the puzzle starts to unravel, does your work require a lot of } travel? } } Guest:  Yes. } } I ask two questions, twice I get 'yes', are you, perhaps, a stewardess? } } Guest:  No. } } Oracle:  That's five down and five to go.  Mr Lynch: } } Diane, I'm sitting on the panel of this ficticious game show, being } created by an otherwise bored computer geek.  Get his address in case we } need some odd character for the season finale.  Does your work involve } driving a vehicle? } } Guest:  No. } } Oracle:  That's six down and four to go.  Mr. Gates: } } Having acquired the software division of Mr Lynch's company, we have } released a patch to version 1.0 of his question.  Are you a computer } saleswoman? } } Guest:  No. } } Oracle:  That's seven down and three to go.  Mr. Cerf: } } Your typing sounds familiar.  Didn't I see you on the Letterman show? } } Guest:  Yes and No. } } Oracle:  We'll interpret that as a yes. } } Are you a member of that most octavian fraternity, a musician? } } Guest:  No. } } Oracle:  That's eight down and two to go.  Mr. Webber: } } (singing) The questioning is nearly done, are you the producer's son? } } Guest:  No. } } Oracle:  That's nine down and one to go.  Mr Lynch, I'm sorry but your }        question was acquired by Mr. Gates' company which has elected to }        withdraw it from the market in favor of Excel.  That's ten down }        and none to go.  Mystery guest, would you identify yourself, }        please. } } Guest:  I'm Dan Quayle. } } Panel:  Who? } } Oracle:  That's all the time we have today.  Thank you for tuning in and }        tune in next time for the Oracular version of "What's My Line". } } (applause) } } GUEST ACCOMODATIONS BY FDDI, THE 100 MEGABIT AIRLINE.  WHEN YOU WANT AN } OPEN CHANNEL TO ANYWHERE, JUST ASK YOUR NETWORK MANAGER TO BOOK YOU ON } FDDI. } } You owe the Oracle a guest appearance on the Arsenio Hall Show.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, wise one, >   My school just built a new athletic building.  What is its scriptural >   significance?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Scriptural significance?   Hmm. . . let me check.  The only scriptural } database I have is on an old Apple //e.  I think I can download it. } }  $ ftp apple.hayes.oracle.god }  TCP Wollongong FTP server ready (0.0.00.0) 31-MAR-1991 22:31:24.93 }  Connection established }  (Connection will close if left idle for more than 5 minutes.) }  APPLE.HAYES.ORACLE.GOD> LO ORACLE }   Enter password: }  (User ORACLE logged in at 1-APR-1991  04:31:24.93 GST) }  ] pr#3 }  ] run }  Wholly Holy -- the Biblical Processor }  Copyright (C) 1983, 1985 Heritage Enterprises }  Concordance Copyright (C) 1985 Microsoft, Inc. } }  Hallelujah!> help }  Press "B" to Begin reading }  Press "C" to Continue reading where you left off }  Press "O" for additional Options }  Press "Q" to Quit }  Press "S" to initiate Search }  Press "T" to Tithe }  Press "V" for random inspirational Verse }  Hallelujah!> S }  Enter string to search for: athletic }  Enter books to search (<RET> for all, ? for help): }  Searching: } }  Numbers 23:21:  "And verily, there shall be athletic buildings, }                   and the athletes shall sweat therein, and the }                   number of athletes shall be seventy times seven. }                   And they shall abide therein, and by their sweat }                   they shall serveth the Lord." } }  Matthew 2:37:  "And Nezrahiah begat Jehilipha, who was athletic, }                  and Jehilipha lived to be two hundred, four and }                  twenty years, when he begat Hectel, who was not }                  athletic, . . ." } }  II John 4:2:  "Then Jesus bowed his head and said, 'With this }                 loaf I feedeth you, with this salve I anointeth }                 you, and with this fig leaf I art thine athletic }                 supporter.'" } }  3 references found.  Search Apocrypha?  (Y/N): Y } }  Judith 1:4: "And it will come to pass that the finest athletes }               will come to this athletic building to sweat unto }               the Lord, and the number of the athletes will be }               seventy times seven plus seventy times seven again, }               but the number of the buildings shall be just one." } }  1 additional reference found. }  Hallelujah!> Q }  Amen. } }  ] init }  Connection closed by remote. }  FTP> ^Z }  $ lo } }    ORACLE    logged out at 31-MAR-1991 22:34:24.93 } } Well, there, you have it.  I'd search the Koran and the Torah for } you, but alt.religions is down right now.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wisest of the wise oracle, please explain to me, > > Why is it that every time a female describes her relationship > with me, the word 'plutonic' is always used?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They mean that, like Pu-225, your relationship had a half-life } of 26 minutes. } } You owe the Oracle a cyclotomic accelerator.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle of wonders, >      I want to marry my girlfriend Cathy.  What does our future look > like?  Children?  Money?  Affairs?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Your future looks bleak, oh young hormone-infested mortal.  Your } inability to communicate in complete sentences will be nothing but } trouble for you.  You will drive Cathy crazy saying things like, "How } are the wedding invitations coming?  Envelopes?  Stamps?  Post?" Later, } after you are married, Cathy will become increasingly irritable after } being exposed to your odd mannerism for a month or two.  "Honey, where } are my socks?  Argyle?  Sweat?  Dark?" Unfortunately, things will only } go downhill from there.  "Cathy, why don't we have any friends?  Turtle? } Banana?  Apocalypse?" You will become increasingly moody and withdrawn. } "Dammit, don't let the Kaiser steal my string!  Swingtown!  Megaphone? } Grunties." As a last ditch effort, Cathy will dunk your head in a vat of } strawberry yogurt to shake this affliction from you.  Ultimately, you } will die a solitary man, feeble and wrinkled.  Your last words being, } "Curse you Red Baron!  You and all your ugly kin!  Greenspan?  Rosebud! } Phlegm." Hey, you asked. } } You owe the Oracle a Sears mediterranean style color console television } set with 25" screen and real simulated woodgrain finish.  (mine is on } the fritz)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If a user is really stupid, and just can't quite grasp the concept of > a high-density vs. a low density disk, is it OK to shoot them?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, but you're on the right track.  Here's how to explain it, using a } coffee can, some water, and a gun. } } Fill the coffee can with water and set it on the table next to the } user.  Tell him that this is like a high-density floppy disk, which } can hold quite a bit of water (ie. data.  Since your user is stupid } you may have to explicitly point this out.) } } Aim the gun at the can and shoot a hole in the side.  Some of the } water will run out.  Explain that by decreasing the density of the } metal making up the can (by introducing discontinuity,) you have } lowered the storage capacity of said can.  Mention that a similarity } exists between coffee cans and diskettes. } } Now turn to face the user.  Act like you've forgotten you're still } holding the gun, but actually, aim it carefully at the user's } chest.  Ask him if he understands the difference now. } } If he doesn't, you have a perfect legal right and moral responsibility } to shoot him.  But try not to let him get blood on the computers. } } You owe the Oracle six kilowatt-hours.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle oh wise, I'm stressing real hard!  Should I get a trip to Europe > or a "nice" NeXT computer for graduation?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My son, let us compare the two options systematically and the } choice will become clear... } }                   NeXT                 Europe }                   ----------------     ------------------------ } voltage             110V                  220V } storage             CD-ROM                2 bags + carryon } operating system    UNIX/Windows          socialism } speed               10.5 hz               2 cappuchino/day } standard languages  C/Pascal/Fortran      no standards } expandability       unlimited             unlikely } M.T.B.F.            24000 hours           24 hours } displays            VGA+                  museums, nude beaches } networking          LAN ready             EEC } documentation       3 volume user guide   _Foder's_ } portability         with special case     not hardly } expected date       1992                  1992 } of obsolescence