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Best of Internet Oracularities #351-375

Goto:
351-375, 353-03, 365-10, 355-09, 374-03, 372-03, 359-08, 366-02


Best of Usenet Oracularities #351-375    (4.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 24 Feb 92 00:30:05 GMT

Oracularities are the distilled wisdom and sagacity of the Usenet
Oracle, as incarnated in its many anonymous e-mail participants.  This
collection has been compiled from the regular Oracularities postings #351
through #375 and contains the Oracularities rated by its readers as
among the funniest.

To find out more about the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
   oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu    or    {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line to receive the Oracle helpfile.

The regular Oracularities postings can be found in the Usenet newsgroup
alt.humor.oracle.  If your site doesn't carry this newsgroup, contact
your news administrator about starting it, or see the Oracle helpfile
about subscribing to the Oracularities distribution list.


353-03    (0017d dist, 4.6 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O mighty Oracle, endowed with the wisdom of the Universe and one
> _really_ nasty babe for a main squeeze,
>
> Why do people think legalizing drugs is The Answer? I thought The
> Answer was 42.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The great and mighty Oracle has deigned to give you an answer to this
} question. You should offer thanks.
}
} Throughout time immemorial, it has been asked: What is the purpose of
} human existance?
}
} At first this was easy. The answer was food.
}
} You see, back in the Paleozoooliphic, the answer to everything was
} either food or rock.
}
} What do you want? "Food" Where do you live? "Rock" Look, that guy is
} making off with your stuff, what will you do? "Rock make him food!"
}
} As you can see, conversation wasn't too stimulating, and philosophers
} were stuck with saying things like "rock is rock" and "food is not
} rock." Luckily rock candy had not been invented yet.
}
} Many years passed, vocab increased, and finally the ancient greeks got
} back around to the question. Socrates explained how the question had no
} meaning. He of course was wrong, but he was such a great pain in the
} ass that people agreed with him to shut him up. Finally, they slipped
} some hemlock in his tea, and that was that.
}
} Later, once the vocabulary had gotten all settled, the
} Romans came up with another answer, one which many of us would agree
} with today. This, of course was sex. It was later found, however, that
} sex could not be the answer. Sex was the question. Yes was the answer.
}
} This whole issue got more confused around the time of Jesus. You see,
} Jesus was convinced that Love was the answer. By this, he did not mean
} what most people think of as love, because then he could have just
} said that sex is the answer. That would lead to the problem above,
} Now, Love might be a possible alternative to sex, but the Romans
} were so upset by the idea that sex wasn't it, that they nailed Jesus
} to a couple of planks.
}
} The Roman empire fell to the barbarians, and it was back to food for
} most of the dark ages.
}
} When the Renaissance finally hit, the answer was Painting. Later on
} they decided that that was just too silly, and changed it to
} Enlightenment.
} This worked fine for the aristocracy, but, at least in France, the
} peasants revolted, and settled firmly on food again.
}
} Not too much after this, drugs spread out through Western culture.
} Some people at this time suggested that drugs were the answer, but
} Opium isn't really powerful enough to blot out all other questions, so
} it was quietly shelved for a later date.
}
} At one point this century, the proposal "Coke is it" was widely
} spread, but if Coke was it, what was New Coke? It flat and too sweet?
} No, that idea was also disregarded.
}
} In the '60s, everything disregarded came back with a vengance (except
} painting, it was still too silly) "Sex, Drugs, and Rock and Roll."
} The Republicans hated this (They thought the answer was Money), and
} they conspired to break the idea at its weak point; Drugs. So went the
} revisionists (who ignored the fact that George Washington grew
} Marijuana), and they outlawed drugs. Outlawing sex would have been
} nice for them, but even they realized that Republicans, at least, had
} to reproduce.
}
} In 197something, Douglas Adams decided that the answer to Life, the
} Universe and Everything was 42. Being irrational, it made it difficult
} to refute, and so was popular among young Democrats (Who had lost so
} many brain cells due to drugs that they were equally irrational), and
} science fiction fans (who were so weird that they could just accept
} it).
}
} You now see where your question fits in. Some people think that the
} solution is to legalize Drugs, and some think that the answer is 42.
} Others think it is sex, a few still believe in Coke, and food is a
} perrenial favorite. Of course the true answer is there, and has been
} for a while...
}
} The answer is....
}
} Painting. Of course.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Velvet Elvis.


365-10    (0026i dist, 4.6 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle whose keyboard never has crumbs,
> Will the USA ever go metric?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ladies and gentlemen, we are here today to determine the United States
} measurement challenge once and for all.
}
} In the blue corner we have our current US champion for many years,
} weighing in at 220.4623 pounds, our hero: Igor Imperial.
}
} In the red corner we have, weighing in at 100kg all the way from
} France, and currently storming the world wherever he goes, our
} challenger: Mean Mr Metric.
}
} It will be a great fight today and one that may change the course of
} history. Can Mean Mr Metric defeat Igor Imperial and change US life
} forever, or will Igor outwit the classy opponent and maintain his place
} in history.
}
} We are about to find out.
}
} Gentlemen, I want a clean fight. Shake hands and come out fighting on
} the bell.
}
} Round 1: "DONG"
}
} They both approach each other and meet in the middle of the ring.
} Metric has trained well and opens with the first punch:
}
}    How many feet in a mile?
}
} Imperial answers after a moments hesitation with:
}
}    5280
}
} "Good exchange there Bob, hasn't worried either of them."
}
} "No Bill, it's still neck and neck, although Imperial took a fraction
} of a second to divert that question."
}
} Imperial decides to attack with a similar strategy:
}
}    How many metres in a kilometre?
}
} Instantly, Metric flashes back with:
}
}    1000
}
} "Wasn't that a great counter by Metric eh Bob - so quick. He's looking
} good tonight"
}
} "Sure is Bill"
}
} Imperial goes on the attack again with a curly one:
}
}    How much does a litre of water weigh?
}
} Metric comes back quickly with:
}
}    1 kilogram
}
} "Great offense from Imperial there Bob. Combining both measurement of
} mass and volume - well thought out."
}
} "Sure thing Bill, but I think he may have left himself a bit vulnerable
} here. If I can guess, Metric should follow up with..."
}
}    How much does a pint of water weigh?
}
} Imperial reels back with such a tough one. He hesitates.
}
} "Thought he'd do that Bill, he's looking shaky. I wonder how he's
} trained for this?"
}
} Suddenly, Imperial's eyes light up and he comes back with:
}
}    1.0431758 pounds
}
} "Well Bob, our champ got out of that one but it was a bit messy eh?"
}
} "It was Bill. I think he was lucky there. Metric should come back with
} a tough one here if he's got it in him."
}
} As Metric prepares for an offense, the champ Imperial slips in a sneaky
} one:
}
}    If 1mm of rain falls on 1 square metre of roof, how much water
}    is collected?
}
} "What a shot Bob! That'll hurt him."
}
} Metric defends without a flinch:
}
}    1 litre
}
} "No Bill, Metric has trained too well and has got too much ability.
} That reply was instananeous. You know, I think he should follow the
} same strategy as before and follow up with..."
}
}    If 1 point of rain falls on 1 square foot of roof, how much water is
}    collected?
}
} "Imperial is down!"
}
} 1    2    3    4    5    6    7...
}
}    7.97922 fl oz
}
} "What an answer! Our boy's still got guts!"
}
} "DONG"
}
} End of Round 1.
}
} "Bill, that bell came just at the right time. This fight shouldn't last
} the next round."
}
} "You're right Bob, but that guy from France is just too good.
}
} Round 2: "DONG"
}
} Imperial comes out and slips in a gentle offense:
}
}    How many grams in a kilogram?
}
} Metric defends:
}
}    1000
}
} "Playground stuff there Bob."
}
} "Yeah Bill"
}
} Metric goes for the kill:
}
}    How many grains in an ounce?
}
} "Uh oh. I think this is it Bob."
}
} Imperial stutters:
}
}    uuuhhhhmmmmmmm. Which system?
}
} "Oh Bill, he's answered with a question. That's not following the
} spirit of the game!"
}
} Metric replies:
}
}    All three.
}
} "Curtains Bill. I'm sure."
}
} Imperial responds:
}
}    Well in Avoirdupois its 437.5, in Apothecary its 480 and the other
} one is... What other one?
}
} Metric jabs:
}
}    You tell me.
}
} Imperial falls to the floor.
}
} 1    2    3    4    5    6    7    8    9    10
}
} "Knocked out Bob!"
}
} "Yeah Bill. I guess we have to get used to the idea of a new system
} here in the US of A. This guy is a mean lean measuring machine."
}
} "Just let me interrupt you Bob, our man Leroy is down in the ring
} talking with Mean Mr Metric."
}
} "Mean Mr Metric that was an incredible last blow there. Tell me what is
} that other system"
}
}    Tell you the truth, Leroy, I don't know nor care. I just know there
}    are three and they are all stupid.
}
} "Interesting response there from Mean Mr Metric, Back to you Bill"
}
} "We've just got word that the judges are going to make an
} announcement..."
}
} After final discussion, the judges have decided to declare the fight
} null and void due to the fact that the win by Mean Mr Metric would mean
} that some politicians might lose the next election.
}
} You owe the Oracle a life in the dark ages.


355-09    (0078b dist, 4.2 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh scrutable Oracle, without whom space would be incomprehensible,
> without whom time would be drab, do tell me this.  Does one dry cup of
> rice (after being cooked) fit in a regular-size bowl?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ahh, yes -- the perennial question of rice. You are indeed priveleged,
} for the Oracle has decided to put a stop to such questions by imparting
} upon a mortal some as-yet undiscovered physics. And that mortal is you!
} This is a rare occurence -- it has happened only a few times this
} century (Einstein's question about being late for work, and Hawking's
} question about disappearing biros spring to mind) -- and thus it is
} your moral and spiritual obligation to investigate and publish these
} revelations for the benefit of all mankind.
}
} 1     Conservation of rice
} ----------------------------
} Rice exists in two distinct forms: Measured Rice (M-rice), and
} Estimated Rice (E-rice). Classically, these two satisfy a simple
} conservation equation -- at all times the total mass of M-rice and
} E-rice combined is a constant. The physical process of "cooking" (in
} all its forms -- at this level of discussion there is no distinction to
} be made between the effects of boiling, steaming and frying, although a
} relativistic formulation may require this) allows the transfer of rice
} between states.
}
} Thus M-rice obeys the law that the process of cooking will result in
} NO MORE THAN THE EXPECTED QUANTITY OF RICE BEING PRODUCED. E-rice obeys
} the converse law: NO LESS THAN THE EXPECTED QUANTITY OF RICE WILL
} RESULT. Therefor, people who go to the trouble of measuring rice
} exactly may end up with too little, and those who estimate the quantity
} required may end up with too much.
}
} Fortunately, both types of people (and, consequently, both types of
} rice) exist in abundance. This facilitates the free transfer between
} M-rice and E-rice through preparation, and the transfer of M-rice to
} E-rice through cooking.
}
} 2     Quantum Rice Transfer
} -----------------------------
} The sharp reader may have noticed a small problem above, vis. what
} happens if someone cooks some M-rice whilst no E-rice is being cooked?
} A quantum mechanical approach reveals the solution to this problem by
} allowing for "virtual rice" (V-rice) to exist in accordance with the
} uncertainty principle. For limited periods of time, the cooking of
} E-rice may result in rice increase without a corresponding rice
} decrease through the cooking of M-rice. The "rice deficit" thus
} produced must be made up through a subsequent M-rice cooking operation,
} within a time period governed by a corollory of Heisenberg's
} uncertainty principle.
}
} 3     Relativistic Rice Transfer
} ----------------------------------
} An astute analysis of the above may lead one to the conclusion that the
} transfer of M-rice in one location to E-rice in another through the
} cooking operation is instantaneous, and might thus be employed as
} a communications medium. This, of course, cannot be the case as such
} a process defies relativity. The propagation rate is finite, and is,
} of course, lower than the speed of light. Special relativity may be
} employed to draw some conclusions about rice transfer rate between
} similar cooking processes, however general relativity is required in
} order to obtain meaningful results for transfer between dissimilar
} processes (e.g. boiling and steaming).
}
} Well, that's a start for you -- there is plenty there to go on, and
} plenty more to provide material for further research. Best of luck with
} obtaining your grant!
}
} Oh, yes -- as for your original question, the answer is "it depends".
} Clearly, a cup of M-rice will easily fit into your regular-size bowl,
} however an estimated "cup" of E-rice, no matter how fine your
} judgement, will not.
}
} You owe the Oracle an autographed copy of your PhD thesis upon
} completion.


374-03    (0168a dist, 4.1 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   Dear Miss Oracle, who owns all the particles in the world,
>
>   Last week my cat returned home with a new tail.
>   Yesterday, when I woke up I noticed a bright blue square on my
>   left hand. This morning 5 small yellow dots appeared on my legs.
>   Now there are two cows flying around my head. What is going on?
>   And who are those little orange people running around?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh dear, you have got problems.  It seems you are at the center of
} localized Reality Breakdown.  Let's take this one step at a time.
}
} First of all, you seem to have Schroedinger's cat.  As your physicists
} will discover in about 50 years, the resolution of that old paradox is
} "the cat is alive, but it has a new tail."
}
} You should not have noticed this discrepancy in the cat, as it could
} throw the whole timetable of scientific discovery into confusion, which
} in turn would have dramatic effects on the entire future history of the
} Universe. Small changes tend to cascade into big ones, and if left
} unchecked this would result in a box of animal crackers being elected
} president in 1996.
}
} So the Reality Adjusters (also called Quantum Mechanics) were sent to
} fix things.  These are the little orange people you see.  While you
} slept the night before last they attempted to remove your knowledge of
} the cat's change and disable your ability to see quantum reality.  They
} thought they had succeeded, and stamped you with the Department of
} Reality Corrections seal of quality workmanship (the blue square on
} your hand).
}
} However, as with most civil servants they did a substandard job, and
} the knowledge and perception which could alter all of Creation remained
} in your head.  So the Mechanics were sent to have another go at it.  If
} you look at the yellow dots on your legs a little more closely, you
} will realize they have little groves in them.  In fact, they are
} screws.  The mechanics were in the processes of opening the access
} panels to your quantum perception center (which is in the legs, not the
} brain, for reasons too complicated to go into now).  However, you woke
} up too early this morning and they had to leave without either
} correcting the problem or covering the screws back up.
}
} So now not only have you glimpsed the true workings of the Universe,
} you have seen the incompetence of those who run it.  This has
} compounded the problem a billion fold, causing further breakdown in the
} structure of logic in your immediate vicinity.  Hence the cows.
}
} I'm afraid this is only going to get worse.  Next it will be elks
} jumping out of your breakfast cereal, your head drifting off on
} business of its own, and eventually reality will be so mucked up that
} cold fusion will work, ms-dos will become useful, and Jimmy Swaggart
} will become truly virtuous.
}
} The only way you can stop this is to dull your extra-normal perceptions
} back to the dim level that most humans live at.  The Oracle would
} suggest several hours of "Brady Bunch" reruns and top-forty radio,
} which is guaranteed to knock out all those parts of your brain that
} have inconveniently started working.
}
} You owe the Oracle a large quark.


372-03    (00989 dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If I fell in love with you, would you promise to be true?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                           Oracle Form #3534992
}
}
} This is perhaps the [ ] largest duck       that the Oracle has ever
}                     [ ] worst rash
}                     [X] most unexpected news
}
} received.  I had [ ] Chinese for lunch today  and I'm [ ] hungry again.
}                  [ ] diarrea all night                [ ] sick as a dog.
}                  [X] no idea that you felt this way   [X] very surprised
}
} How [ ] amazing      of you to [ ] realize  that!   Perhaps you and I
}     [ ] inexcusible            [ ] give me
}     [X] daring                 [X] ask
}
} should [ ] roast this sucker        over  [ ] an open fire.
}        [ ] consult with a doctor          [ ] at the clinic.
}        [X] talk things over               [X] at your place.
}
} Now, [ ] hurry up          because  [ ] I'm hungry!
}      [ ] check yourself             [ ] things might start falling off
}      [X] let me know quickly,       [X] I'm anxious to hear from you.
}
} Signed,
}
} The Oracle
}
} For payment you are required to [ ] bring barbaque sauce
}                                 [ ] pay the doctor's bill.
}                                 [X] give the Oracle a kiss.


359-08    (033c6 dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: The Great Squid

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Oh oracle, all knowing, I ask of you this question that has been
> in this for some time and find myself at a loss.  I heard that light is
> made of microscopic particles that have nearly no weight.  But, today,
> one of my professors told me that as an object approaches the speed of
> light, it gets heavier.  Well, light GOES the speed of light, so isn't
> it heavy rather that light?  If so, why don't we call light "heavy"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's a heavy question.
}
} Although it might be right to call light "light", it might be right not
} to call light "light".  Your Professor Wright was right, light's made
} of mighty light mites, right?  Right.  Now light mites are light, and
} fight like mighty light mites.  If one takes fright and takes flight,
} the fighting mite might follow right behind the mite with fright.  If
} the fighting mite gets right up with the flighty mite, it might take a
} bite from the flighty mite's right leg, lightening the flighty mite.
} Now as the fighting mite and the flighty mite get right up to the speed
} of light, if the fighting mite likes biting the flighty might the
} flighty mite gets lighter, so it can be flightier.  So when the flighty
} might is right at the speed of light it's actually quite light, right?
} Right.
}
} If light were called "heavy" I wouldn't have been able to write that
} paragraph.
}
} You owe the Oracle every light bulb joke ever.  Right?


366-02    (1259a dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh oracle, mighty oracle,
> Oh oracle, great oracle,
> Oh oracle, wise oracle,
> Oh oracle, etc oracle,
> Grant me an answer to this question, I beg of you.
>
> What is the ending to the saying which starts:
> If "if"s and "and"s were pots and pans......?
>
> Your loving supplicant,
> Me.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If "if"s and "and"s were pots and pans
} And life a bowl of cream
} Then dictionaries would be quite strange
} And not quite all they seem
}
} The world would be rectangular
} We all would cook on gas
} Examinations would be hard
} But all of us would pass
}
} The dedicated high court judge
} Would be both just and fair
} And wouldn't ever think to mix
} Some coke with pubic hair
}
} World leaders would be quite sane
} Including T. Dan Quayle
} Saddam Hussein to insignifi-
} Cance would quickly pale
}
} The Oracle would get great praise
} And not the word "etcetera"
} Grovelling would be the norm
} (What the hell rhymes with "etcetera"?)
}
} Money would be a thing of the past
} We all would trade in cheese
} Atlantis - it would rise again
} They'd all catch colds and sneeze
}
} But "if"s and "and"s aren't pots and pans
} They're only little words
} And so we come to the end of the rhyme
} 'Twas really quite absurd.
}
} You owe the Oracle the Oxford English Dictionary in braille.


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