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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> help i'm a bug

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <poof> you're a feature!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> (cross-posted to rec.guns) > > What is the season, out-of-state license fee, and bag limit on ex-wives > in the state of New Hampshire?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First, you have to say the magic words. } } "Uh, abracadabra?" } } No, try again. } } "Oh, I know.  Please?" } } No, but you're getting closer.  Try again. } } "Great Oracle, please answer the question of this lowly mortal who is }  not worthy to sniff your shoe trees." } } Now you got it.  I shall answer. } } The traditional season is late fall, after the leaves have fallen.  The } lack of foliage makes them easier to spot.  License fees are usually } minimal, and the limit is one ex-wife per day (although mormons are } allowed up to three). } } Let us follow the brave hunter into the forest, to witness this } exciting sport. } } He quietly creeps up to a tree, which looks out on a clearing.  He } positions himself behind the tree, quiets his breathing, and gently } pulls out the ex-wife call.  He blows into it and the sound of } "alimony! alimony!" echos through the woods.  There!  What was that?  A } rustling from the bushes a ways down.  He sees some sparkles of light } and figures it may be another hunter, so he holds his fire.  But now } the creature steps out of the cover and he can see that the sparkling } is the diamonds given to the ungrateful bitch months before by her } husband.  He aims and prepares to fire... but holds, as he sees she is } not alone.  There are large, shambling forms accompanying her - } lawyers!  It is not unexpected for an ex-wife in the wild to be } surrounded by one or more of these parasites, but it is always a } surprise to see them.  He aims again and fires!  Damn, hit a lawyer. } That's ok though, it's always open season on lawyers and there's no } limit.  But now the others are scattering.  *BLAM* He quickly fires } again and this time hits the target! } } Now that he has killed the ex-wife what will he do with it?  Many men } quickly stuff and mount their kills, but trust me stuffing and mounting } is much more fun with a live woman. } } So there you have it.  You should keep in mind, of course, that similar } fees and limits apply to the hunting of ex-husbands, so be sure to wear } something bullet proof. } } You owe the Oracle 50% of your posessions, unless you remembered to } draw up a pre-question agreement.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and noble oracle, king of heaven and earth, > >      Have you ever been compared to the Ouija board???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, but indeed I used to DABBLE in them. } } Picture the scene . . . } } >several yuppies and their SO's gathered in a stylish SoCal }  living room, loft prominently decorated.  A half-empty bottle }  of Martini and Rossi Asti Spumante is in evidence< } } Y1: Oh, Mighty Ouija board, will my wife have a baby this year? } } The pointer trembles and starts a slow deliberate waltz around } the board. } } BOARD:  A-N-T-I-C-H-R-I-S-T } } The onlookers sit back stunned. } } Y2: Oh, Might Ouija board, will I get married this year? } } Again the pointer begins its journey. } } BOARD: H-A-H-A-H-A-H-A-G-A-S-P-U-M-P-A-T-T-E-N-D-A-N-T } } One yuppette sits back in a huff. } } Y3: Oh, Might Ouija board, how will my business trip go? } } The pointer again trembles and traces out the letters -- } } BOARD: M-I-D-N-I-G-H-T-E-X-P-R-E-S-S } } It is now Yuppie 4's turn.  She regards the board with a } jaundiced eye, tossing her luxuriant chestnut hair over } one shoulder provocatively.  Her long, nimble fingers lay } atop the pointer.  She is dressed stylishly, and tastefully. } The lines of a picture-perfect figure are not hidden by her } slim turtleneck, and were she not sitting on her well-rounded } derriere, the two male participants would long ago have } suffered cardiac infarction. } } Y4: Oh, Mighty Ouija board (her rich contralto intones) who will }     my next serious relationship be with? } } The pointer shakes violently for several moments and begins to } vibrate back and forth. } } BOARD: Z-E-U-S } } Then: } } BOARD: N-O-O-R-A-C-L-E } } Then: } } BOARD: I-S-A-I-D-Z-E-U-S } } Then: } } BOARD: O-R-A-C-L-E-D-A-M-N-I-T } } Then: } } BOARD: } Y-O-U-W-O-U-L-D-N-T-E-V-E-N-K-N-O-W-W-H-A-T-T-O-D-O-W-I-T-H-H-E-R } } Then: } } BOARD: O-H-W-O-U-L-D-N-T-I-R-E-M-E-M-B-E-R-W-H-A-T-L-I-S-A-S-A-I-D } } Then: } } BOARD: } L-I-S-A-D-O-E-S-N-T-K-N-O-W-W-H-A-T-S-H-E-S-T-A-L-K-I-N-G-A-B-O-U-T } } Then: } } BOARD: I-S-A-I-D-S-H-E-S-M-I-N-E-Y-O-U-L-I-T-T-L-E-G-I-T } } Then: } } BOARD: O-H-Y-E-A-H } } Then: } } BOARD: Y-E-A-H } } Then: } } BOARD: O-H-Y-E-A-H } } Then: } } BOARD: Y-E-A-H } } Then: } } BOARD: O-H-Y-E-A-H } } Upon which point the yuppies all get sick of the bickering and throw } the board out, where a little girl names Regan who lives down the } street picks it out of the trash and brings it home.  One male yuppie } does suffer a fatal heart attack upon the brunette woman's rising, and } the other severe palpitations. } } You owe the Oracle the brunette's phone number.  >Shut up, Zeus.<

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh really swell Oracle, could you > please tell me >                                       What's this crap? > What? >                                       This is awful!  We'll never get a >                                       good answer!  "Really swell" >                                       indeed. > Dear Oracularities Letters, > I never thought your letters were > real until >                                       Oh, please!  Why not just post it >                                       to alt.sex?! > Shut up!  This is my question -- let > me ask it the way I want!! > > Oh really swell Oracle, could you > please tell me what... shut up!       please flame my ass off the net. >                                       Wassamatter?  Think you'll get a >                                       kinder, Gentler Oracle? > Shut up.  I'll take my chances. > > Oh mighty Oracle, please tell me... > uh, please tell me... >                                       Oh, perfect.  You don't even have >                                       a question.  We'll be flamed for >                                       sure! > Shut UP!  I do have a question! >                                       Nyah, nyah, poor dumby can't >                                       think of his own question! > Ok, how about this: > can you please tell me what's best to > do for multiple personality disorder? >                                       What?!  No! -- ha, ha Mr. >                                       Oracle... just a little joke! >                                       (He's been under stress) > No joke, sir.  He's been on my case   -- NO!  SHUT UP! > ever since finals, and I'm at my      tra la LAAAA!  AmerrriCAAA! the > wit's end.  Please help me            beaUUUtiful!  No, that's not >                                       our real question!  Really, >                                       it's how much wood

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh no, not another one of *those* ... These letters always bring out } the - } }                              ** RRRRIIIIP **                         __/ }                                                           __________/ }                                       ___________________/ Evil twin? } Yes... *sigh*                        / } I thought I'd seen the last of      | } you...                              |    Not hardly, pal.  And this time }                                     |    it's even better for me, 'cause }                                     |    I brought along my equally evil }               *gasp*                |    clone! }                                     |\       ** RRRRIIIIIP ** }                                     | \_______ }    What the...                      |         \________ }                                     | Hi Bro!          \  Kinda reminds }                                     |                   | you of _Alien_ }                                     |                   | doesn't it? }   Oh yeah?  Well two, er, *three*   |                   | }   can play at that little game!    /|   Hey, he can't   | }                          _________/ |     do that!      | }                 ________/           |                   | Yeah, you }                /  ** RRRRRIIIIP **  |                   | can't do that! } Just watch!   |                     |                   | }               |  Will you guys      |                   | }               |  PLEASE stop        |                   | }               |  bickering?         |  Look, its double | }               |                     | the geek quotient!|   Heh heh }               | Oh really?  Take    |                   | }               |  THIS!      >---->* |                   | }               |               >---->*\ Hey, stop that!  | }               |                 >---->*\  I mean it!    | }               |                   >---->*\   Ow!        |  INCOMING! } Having space  |                           |             | } compression   |                           |             | } problems?     |                           |             | } (tee-hee)     |                           |             | }               | Man, talk about multiple  |             | }               | personality questions!    |  I don't    | }               |                           | like this   | }               |                           | game any    | }               |                           | more...     | What?!  You're }               |                           |             | not turning }               |                           |             | yella on me?! }               | Gad, this is confusing.   |             | }               |                           | Don't talk  | }               |                           | to me like  | }               |                           | that, you   | }               |                           | twit!       | } Get rid of    |                           |             |  *snarl* } him, get rid  |                           |             | } of him!       | Don't tell *me* what to   |             | }               | do, Mr. Boss Man!  Mr.    |             | }               | Hulk Hogan!  I don't like |             | }               | this game either! Nyah!   | You too?    | }    Uh-oh      |                           |             |  Uh-oh }               | Hey, #3, I have an idea...| What?       | }               |             (whisper...   | ...whisper) | }               |             (whisper...   | ...whisper) | }               |  You like the idea?       | Go for it!  | }               |                           |             | }               |           >---->*         |  *<----<    | } What are you  |                >---->*    | *<----<     | } doing?        |                    >---->*|*<----<      | Yeah, what are }               |                     >---->*<----<       | you doing? }               |                       * KABOOM *        | }               |                                         | }               | Ah, MUCH better.  And now for Operation | }               |             LAMAZE!                     | } Thanks a lot, |                                         | Benedict } Traitor!      |                                         | Arnold! }               |<<<             PUSH!                 >>>| }            __/<<<              UNH!                   >>>\__  STOP THAT! } PLEASE?___/<<<                 BREATHE!                  >>>\___ AUGH! }   ____/<<<                     ALMOST THERE!                 >>>\__ }  /<<<                                                            >>\gasp } /<<<                                                                \ } }  Ah, much better.  Thanks for your question, and if you *ever* ask it }  again I take no responsibility for what happens. } } You owe the Oracle Calvin's Transmogrifier/Duplicator.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Will I have a girlfriend anytime soon, and will she be someone I know? > If not, what will she be like?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [Tons of confetti, balloons and fanfare music appear in the background] } } CONGRATULATIONS!  You are the ONE MILLIONTH sentient being to ask the } Oracle this question!  You've won an instant trip to } iuvax.cs.indiana.edu! } } [The Oracle gestures, and the dazed supplicant appears.] } } Supplicant: } WOW!  Thanks, Oracle, but what about my question? } } Oracle: } That's the best part!  You've also won ONE HOUR -- yes, one FULL hour } alone with Lisa in a locked room! } } -- [The spotlights focus on a steel door, which opens to reveal Lisa } dressed in a see through leopard-skin teddy, carrying a whip.] } } Supplicant: } Uh... } } Oracle: } Congratulations, you lucky mortal!  In ya go! } } Supplicant: } Hey, WAIT a minute!  [WHIP!]  OW!  Stop that!  I didn't -- HELP! } SOMEBODY! } } Oracle: } We'll be back in an hour to check on his progress.  Meanwhile, the } 999,998th person to ask "What's going to be on the CS midterm?" is } calling in now...

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most awesome Oracle, > > What shall we do with a drunken sailor? > What shall we do with a drunken sailor? > What shall we do with a drunked sailor, > Early in the morning?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Keep him away from the oil tanker, } Don't let him near the oil tanker } Don't let him steer the oil tanker } Early in the morning! } } You owe the Oracle a can of salmon that doesn't taste like crude oil.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I accidentally deleted a Most Important Project from the disk, and I > don't have a backup.  My boss is expecting a (now deleted) project > soon.  What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First, clear your mind of the illusion that it was you who deleted the } project. It was Dharma. He deleted the project as a test to see whether } you are ready to undertake your destiny. } } When your boss next asks you when the project will be completed, tell } him or her, "It is complete." } } BOSS: "Oh? When did you finish it?" } } YOU: "It is not yet finished." } } BOSS: "Well, when can you get it to me?" } } YOU: "You already have it." } } BOSS: "I do? Where is it?" } } YOU: "It is inside you." } } BOSS: "What?" } } YOU: "The report is a part of you, and of me. We are a part of the }       Universal All. When we are finished, All shall be finished." } } BOSS: "The Universal All?" } } YOU: "The beginning is the end. Hesitate. Be lost. Consider the lotus." } } BOSS: "Lotus..." } } YOU: "Om." } } BOSS: "Om." } } If you get the conversation to this stage, Dharma will be very } satisfied with you. As you can tell, it is your destiny to get } your butt canned in the near future. } } You owe the Oracle a backup of your latest project.