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Best of Internet Oracularities #426-450

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426-450, 441-07, 434-05, 439-08, 431-05, 444-05, 432-04, 443-10


Best of Usenet Oracularities #426-450    (4.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 23 Sep 1992 14:57:19 -0500

Oracularities are the distilled wisdom and sagacity of the Usenet
Oracle, as incarnated in its many anonymous e-mail participants.  This
collection has been compiled from the regular Oracularities postings #426
through #450 and contains the Oracularities rated by its readers as
among the funniest.

To find out more about the Usenet Oracle, send mail to
oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line to
receive the Oracle helpfile.

The regular Oracularities postings can be found in the Usenet newsgroup
rec.humor.oracle.  Open discussion about the Usenet Oracle occurs in the
newsgroup rec.humor.oracle.d.  If your site doesn't carry this
newsgroup, contact your news administrator about starting it, or see the
Oracle helpfile about subscribing to the Oracularities e-mail
distribution list.


441-07    (033fn dist, 4.3 mean)
Selected-By: DAVIS@licr.dn.mu.oz.au

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh omnipotent oracle! If there were a single
> molecule from a forgotten oraclelean 10,000-year-old
> fart I would not be worthy to inhale it!
> Timorously, I ask you:
>
> If you drop a buttered piece of bread, it will fall on the
> floor butter-side down.  If a cat is dropped from a window
> or other high and towering place, it will land on it's feet.
>
> But what if you attach a buttered piece of bread, butter-side
> up to a cat's back and toss them both out the window?
> Will the cat land on it's feet?  Or will the butter splat on
> the ground?
>
> -Mike

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Even if you are too lazy to do the experiment yourself you should be
} able to deduce the obvious result.  The laws of butterology demand
} that the butter must hit the ground, and the equally strict laws of
} feline aerodynamics demand that the cat can not smash it's furry back.
} If the combined construct were to land, nature would have no way to
} resolve this paradox.  Therefore it simply does not fall.
}
} That's right you clever mortal (well, as clever as a mortal can get),
} you have discovered the secret of antigravity!  A buttered cat will,
} when released, quickly move to a height where the forces of
} cat-twisting and butter repulsion are in equilibrium.  This equilibrium
} point can be modified by scraping off some of the butter, providing
} lift, or removing some of the cat's limbs, allowing descent.
}
} Most of the civilized species of the Universe already use this
} principle to drive their ships while within a planetary system.  The
} loud humming heard by most sighters of UFOs is, in fact, the purring of
} several hundred tabbies.
}
} The one obvious danger is, of course, if the cats manage to eat the
} bread off their backs they will instantly plummet.  Of course the cats
} will land on their feet, but this usually doesn't do them much good,
} since right after they make their graceful landing several tons of
} red-hot starship and pissed off aliens crash on top of them.
}
} You owe the Oracle two slices of toast and a bag of kitty litter.


434-05    (0256g dist, 4.2 mean)
Selected-By: ewhac@well.sf.ca.us

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> notion in the Quayle-Conrad paper, compatibility of graphs. Please see
> my paper for the definition.
>
> These results are contained in my paper ``Linear Logic, Coherence and
> Dinaturality'' which has been accepted at TCS. Unfortunately, I can't
> put it on FTP, since there are a number of drawn diagrams. (TeXing
> proof nets was beyond me) If anyone would like a copy, they could send
> me their (ordinary) mail address and I will send it along. A short
> version of this work appeared in SLNCS
> 19284671029387568124376123908746.
>
> But WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What, indeed.  Whoever left this scrap of a clue was gone before I
} could say `<ZOT>'.  The note itself was forboding.  The reference to
} TeX could only mean that I'd be running into Don "the Enforcer" Knuth
} before all this was over.  I donned my trench coat and fedora, and
} headed into the grimey wet streets of net.town.
}
} My favorite informer, `Archie', was at his local hangout:  McGill's
} place. I asked him what he knew about Quayle and Conrad.  Archie musta
} talked for an hour.  Hundreds of false leads, and just maybe one good
} one.  I took a minute to get a grep on the situation, and I suddenly
} saw the best lead: some paper's with the goons' names all over them,
} and it bore the TeX signature.  Trouble was, the paper was over on EE
} street.  Ya don't just cycle over to that part of the net without root
} privaledge, if ya know what I meen.  There're guys down there that'd
} hit ya right in the instruction cache with a pipe-line just for laughs.
}
} I knew how to fit in down there, though.  I ditched my get-up for a
} buttondown white shirt, horned-rim glasses and a pocket protector.  I
} got by no problem.  Sure enough, right off a dingy leaf-node, there it
} was:  a dark warehouse that just said "/pub/tex" on the front in
} peeling, faded paint.
}
} I knocked on the door, and a gravelly voice came out of the dark:
}
}   "Yeah, whadda ya want?"
}
}   "chmod 0777 *", I grumbled.  These guys are a sucker for old
}   passwords.
}
} The door creaked open.  I could still see no one.
}
}   "I need to get some archives for the boss".
}
}   "Second door on da left".
}
} A dim light shown under the door.  I strolled down as slowly as I
} could, and opened it up.  It was a tiny room lit by a bare bulb.  The
} walls were lined with filing cabnets, with just enough room for my boot
} straps.  Fortunately, the directory system was as old as their password,
} and I found the paper after a few moments.  It was a spaghetti of
} backslashes, braces and words containing `box'.  TeX, all right.  And
} that could only mean that it meant a pretty picture for the Knuth-types
} setting it up.
}
} I grabbed the file and started making my way back toward the door.
}
}   "Not so fast".
}
} Knuth. I whirled around, reaching for my escape key.  Too late.
}
}   "I'm disappointed.  I thought the mighty detective would be much
} harder to capture than this.  But now, your just an anonymous entry,
} and no one will ever see the logs to know you were here."
}
} If the big guy himself was here, these files must be pretty important.
} Time to bluff.
}
}   "I'm on to you.  I know what these files are.  Not just another
} texbook, are they?"
}
} A tiny flicker in his eye gave him away.  I was dead-on right.  There
} could only be one reason he was here, one reason this was so important.
}
}   "This is volume 4.  `Combinatorial Algorithms'.  And you've got no
}   backup."
}
} I heard an almost-silent scrape behind me.  I pulled out the file, and
} held it over a bit-bucket that I was standing next to.
}
}   "Call off your goons, Knuth, or you'll never see this file again.
} Everyone will think your grand project is forgotten before you can
} reconstruct it."
}
} He twitched his hand, and I heard steps moving away.  I ways almost home
} free.  Never breaking eye-contact with Knuth, I bent down for the
} bit-bucket, and started moving for the door.
}
}   "This is all a mistake", he said.  "We're all reasonable men here."
}
} I let out a short, humorless laugh.
}
}   "Yeah, sure.  `Reasonable'.  It was on account of your `reason' that
} I was trapped for days looking up the references for "circular logic"
} in volume one.  If Lisa hadna come to check on me, I mighta been there
} forever."
}
} Almost to the door.
}
}   "I'm not gonna let that happen again.  Blowing my stack like that cut
} right to my core.  But I'm safe, now.  You'll never get by my run-time
} checking again."
}
} I was there.  I tossed the file at the goons and the bucket at Knuth,
} and dashed out the door.  The following moments of confusion was enough
} to make my escape, and get to a safe node.
}
} Back in my office, I knew the mystery was only half-solved.  Sure, I
} had Knuth's next volume, and I could find all the traps at my leisure.
} Only trouble was, he'd be looking for me.  Knuth is not one that's
} quick to forget, but neither am I.  Our next meeting is sure to be
} interesting.
}
} You owe the Oracle a laser printer and a Pascal compiler.


439-08    (0186g dist, 4.2 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O!  Oracle,MostGreat  Wisest  OfThe  Wise  AndThe  Entity      That
> The  GoddessesOfThe  Sexiest  Bodys  Drool  Upon  Please  Tell  Me!
> What  IsTheAnswer,  Oh!Great  Deity  ToThis  My  QuestionThat  Must
> BeOne  OfTheWorst  Questions         Created    ByThisPerson  (Me!)
> JustTo  Be   One  Confusing,         AndWierd  QuestionThat  YouCan
> Detect,    By    ThisSimple,  IfOdd  Fashion:  YouMustSquintYourEye
> GentlyIn  This  DirectionAnd  Then,  TheQuery  WillBecomeRe  Vealed

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  OracleReplyNumberTenKazillionAndThree,InResponseToAboveQuestion.
}  O!  Querent,WhoHasTo  OwnOne  OfThe  Nicest  Screen  EditorsThat
}  The  Oracle'sHadThe  Delight  ToSee  WhatYou  Have  AskedIsAmong
}  That  OfTheHardest  Thousand  Posts  ToComeTo  My  MailBoxSinceI
}  Began  Tolerating  Questions         Addressed    ToMeInThisPoor
}  Style.  It   IsA  ProblemIAm         NotCertain  YouAreWillingTo
}  Hearken    My    AnswerTo.If  Brave  YouAre,And  StrongOfHeart,I
}  AskYouTo  Look  AtMyResponse  InThe  SameManner  AtYourOwnRisk.I
}  MustTell  YouI  WishYouNever  Asked  SuchARisky  Question.YouSee
}  MortalsWereNeverMeantToKnowThingsLikeThis.AllMortalsWantToAccept
}  SomethingAlongTheLinesOfDivineIntervention,ThatTheirLivesAsAFact
}  Do  AddUpTo  MoreThan     Simply            ATiny      PensionAt
}  An    EndTo  ACareer  And  Lunch            Once  Each  WeekAtMc
}  D.  I  Hate  ToTell  You,I  ReallyDo,  ButLifeJustIs  OneBigSlab
}  Of  &*  #!%  After  Another  GotIt???  YouWakeEarly  BeforeSheep
}  Or  Pig  Or  Other  Animals  WithMore  ReasonAndYou  DoItInOrder
}  To  Kill  A  Little  Time!  HearMe,Oh  Humans!YourMiserableLives
}  Of  WoeTo    MeAreSo  Fun  ToWatch!HA  HAHAHAHAHAHA  HA!JustWait
}  To  FindOut  IfYouCan     EverBecomeA  HumanBeingOf  Happiness.I
}  DoubtIt!YouOweTheOracleMontyPython's"TheMeaningOfLife"InBetaForm


431-05    (028ae dist, 4.1 mean)
Selected-By: CLHP19@vaxb.strathclyde.ac.uk

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Shut up and deal!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Did somebody say DEAL???
}
} <Dah dah dah dah, dah dah dah dah dah.....>
}
} It time for...
}
} LET'S MAKE A DEAL!  Today with your host,
} the Omnipotent Oracle!!!
}
} <APPLAUSE>
}
} Hello, everyone, and welcome to everyone's favorite
} net.game.show, Let's Make a Deal!  Today, we are going
} to invite our studio audience to help us make a deal
} as to the best way for the Questioner to die!  Yes,
} that's right!  You see, the Questioner did a number of
} very naughty things when he came up to me with this
} question.  First... and yes, folks, I almost don't
} believe it myself, first he told me to "Shut up!"
}
} <GASPS OF HORROR>
}
} I know, I know.  <Shakes his head sadly.>  You would
} think people like this would learn.  Secondly, and
} even a more heinous crime... he forgot to grovel!
}
} <MORE GASPS OF HORROR>
}
} Now what the questioner should have said would have
} been something along the lines of:
}
} >Oh infinitely wise Oracle, from whom all wisdom flows,
} >whose hand deals nothing but the highest cards, would
} >you please do me the great honor of shutting up and
} >dealing?
}
} Of course, the poor sap still would have bought the
} big one, but not to the extent he is going to today.
} So, what's say we get a member of our audience up here
} and make a deal, OK?
}
} <APPLAUSE>
}
} All right, all right.  How about you, Ma'am?  <Brings
} up a woman dressed as a house of cards.>  Appropriate
} costume, I must say!  What's your name?
}
} "Matilda!"
}
} OK, Matilda, what do you think should be done with
} the Questioner?
}
} "Where is he?"
}
} Oh, that's right!  Don Pardo, show our audience the
} Questioner!
}
} <Questioner lowered from ceiling on a rope, chained
} up and gagged, writhing from side to side.>
}
} There he is, waiting for his eternal punishment.
} What should be done with him, Matilda?
}
} "How about we delete all his files?"
}
} <AUDIENCE BOOS>
}
} No, no, Matilda, that's too lame.  What we need is
} to destroy this person utterly!  Any other ideas?
}
} "Um... how about breaking into his account and post-
} ing an uncompressed copy of Milton's 'Paradise Lost'
} to talk.bizzare?"
}
} <APPLAUSE>
}
} What a wonderful idea!  Don Pardo, please make the
} appropriate arrangement!  Now, Matilda, you can
} think up another punishment, or you can take what-
} ever is behind Door number two!
}
} <Scantily clad woman shows off door number two.>
}
} "I'll take the door!"
}
} Oh, I'm sorry Matilda!  Behind that door is a
} copy of the Democratic Presidential Nomintion
} Ballot, a loser by any definition.
}
} <AUDIENCE AWWWWWS>
}
} How about you, sir?  Step right up here.  <Brings
} up man dressed as a pig.>  What would you like to
} do to the Questioner?
}
} "How about carry him by helicopter over Mount
} Penetubo and drop him in?"
}
} Ooooh!  Oooooh!  I like it!  But can't we torture
} him a bit more first?
}
} "Yes!  Force him to read USA Today, while the
} official Unix Manual is read to him through
} eighty-decibel loudspeakers!"
}
} <AUDIENCE GASPS IN HORROR!>
}
} Oh, my, you are a cruel one!  Don, let's do it!
}
} <Questioner starts screaming through the gag,
} as he is taken down from the chain and hauled
} away to have his punishment inflicted on him.>
}
} Now, Sir, as your reward you may take whatever
} is behind Door number one, or what's in this
} box!  And I'll give you a hint, behind door
} number one is something with four wheels!
}
} "I'll take the box!"
}
} Excellent choice, sir!  Behind the door was an
} '87 Yugo!
}
} <AUDIENCE BOOS>
}
} But in this box is... a code key, allowing you
} Root access to any system on the Internet!
}
} <APPLAUSE>
}
} So, we now return you to our regularly scheduled
} program.  Thank you for playing...
}
} LET'S MAKE A DEAL!
}
} You owe the Oracle the charred remnants of your
} left foot.


444-05    (343bk dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Disser <disser@engin.umich.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, dear, I'm in your apartment. It's raining outside,
> I'm bored and I want to go shopping. However, you
> cheap bastard, you've left me with nothing but a pair of
> silk pyjama pants. How do I get home?
>
> And if you tell me to click my heels and say "I wish I were
> back in Kansas, by God these lips shall never touch thine again."
>
>           Petulantly, Lisa.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The scene: two old men sheltering from the pouring rain in a
} bus-shelter.
}
} Suddenly what could only be described as a "Woman" (probably the only
} one ever to truly earn the capitalization) flies past wearing only a
} pair of silk pyjama pants.  Being unfamiliar with the concept of
} "pyjamas" she is definitely wearing them in a way for which they were
} not originally intended.  Suffice it to say that afterwards they will
} need a damn good ironing, and the stains may never come out.
}
} One old man surges to his feet, claws his chest, and slumps back onto
} the rain-slick concrete.  His life is ebbing fast, but for some reason
} a small smile plays around his lips.
}
} "Guido," he gasps, "You probably never knew this, but the only wealth I
} have in this world is that apartment building.  And my only claim to
} fame is that the UseNet Oracle lives in the penthouse.  And now, after
} all these years, I'm going to have to evict him."
}
} "But Luigi, why, why, why would you have to do that?"  Guido realizes
} that his friend is not much longer for this world.
}
} "Why, didn't you see?  His Lisa just ran out."


432-04    (047d9 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle:
>
> It has come to our attention, that our client (heretofore referred to
> as "Claimant") has come to some severe harm as a result of advice he
> has followed, which was apparently given him by you (heretofore
> referred to as "Diety.")
>
> In an effort to win the attentions of the object of his affection,
> Client (grovelling quite nicely, according to our files), asked the
> advice of the aforementioned Diety, and received a response on February
> 10, 1992. On February 14th 1992, Claimant purchased two cases of
> Wisconsin Cheddar Spray Cheez, and 50 lbs. of chipped ice at his local
> 7-11, per Diety's instructions.  According to Claimant, the overweight
> German businessmen were more difficult to obtain, and were not merely
> unruly at first, but did in fact, become violent, causing Claimant
> several lacerations and hematoma.
>
> The pyrotechnic display suggested by Diety was, according to our
> records, neither legal in Claimant's state, nor given with the
> appropriate safety instructions.  Evidently, the ice was not sufficient
> to keep the cans of Spray Cheez from exploding, causing damage to the
> Claimant's automobile in addition to several deep shrapnel wounds and
> minor ozone depletion locally.
>
> Claimant is currently in stable condition at Our Lady Of Mercy
> Hospital, and expects to be returning home in several months, dependent
> upon psychiatric evaluations and adjustment.
>
> Please be advised that a summons to appear in court will be delivered
> within the month, as Claimant has advised us to sue for full financial
> remuneration for all damages, in addition to a sizeable sum for pain
> and suffering, and compensation for all legal fees in this matter.
>
>       Thank you,
>
>               Hyman Zizivitz
>
>       Zizivitz, Plochman, Levin, and Bloch; Attorneys at Law.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mr. Zizivitz:
}
} In reference to your threatened suit against my client, (heretofore
} referred to as "the Glorious Omnipotence") by your client, (heretofore
} referred to, if at all, as "the sniveling worm") I am authorized to
} inform you that any attempt by the sniveling worm to hold the Glorious
} Omnipotence responsible for any injuries incurred while acting upon the
} Glorious Omnipotence's advice will be met with swift and perfunctory
} extermination.
}
} Simply put, your client has no case. If I may quote from the Virtual
} Realities Responsibilities Act of 1992 (H.R. bill #239840, Sen. bill
} #2303928407):
}
}       "No artificial entity or other electromolecular construct
}        confined within computer hardware may be held accountable for
}        injuries or loss resulting from said entities advice,
}        commentary, or instruction. (This also applies to the Usenet
}        Oracle 'cause I think he's really neato -- DanQ)"
}
} In any case, you may rest assured that if this harrassment continues,
} my client will almost certainly feel compelled to create "Snivelling
} Worm Flambe a la Oracle".
}
}       Up yours,
}
}               Demosthenes Harcourt
}
}       Harcourt, Fenton, and Mudd; Attorneys at Law


443-10    (039a9 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and all-around cool dude, whose Harley Davidson from
> Hell doth reak havoc among UNIX computers accross our struggling
> nation....
>
> Do tell this unknowing soul an answer to his question..
>
> My Fluid Dynamics teacher makes all of his lecture material look
> easy but his tests come from hell. How should I take my revenge?
>
> Thanks, mister.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Fluid Dynamics, eh?  A case like this calls for drastic action.
} Traditional methods of revenge, such as painful gruesome death, fail to
} properly address this type of situation.  Instead, your teacher must be
} repaid in kind, and attacked with obscure confusing questions that seem
} to appear from nowhere. In other words, it's time to invoke Political
} Correctness (tm).  Accuse him of unfairly discriminating against solids
} by teaching only fluid dynamics. Start a solid dynamics action
} committee on campus.  Picket and demonsrate in front of his office.
} Boycott his classes.  Petition your school to have him dismissed.
} Campaign to have fluid-biased textbooks banned from the bookstore.
} Have a sit-in until your department agrees to offer an alternative
} course in solid dynamics.  Replace the word fluid in everyday usage
} with the term viscosity-challenged.
}
} Once the poor wretch has been forced to explain the very existance of
} his course, you should be able to expect tests in the future almost
} completely devoid of content.
}
} You owe The Oracle the lecture notes from Nuclear-Free High-Energy
} Physics.


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