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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, the obvious answer is that "it" is a pronoun (more specifically, } a neuter pronoun of the third person singular).  But since you've gone } to the trouble of asking the Oracle this question, instead of simply } looking "it" up in the dictionary, you must be talking about the "it" } of the ancient legends.... } } In the ancient days, when the earth and sky were young, war had not yet } been invented.  The young warriors sat around the council fire and grew } restless, for they had nothing to do.  So chief Jumping Eagle saw that } the warriors were restless, and decided that they must occupy } themselves with a game. So they played tag. } } Chief Jumping Eagle was the first to be "it", and he tagged Dancing } Sparrow.  And Dancing Sparrow tagged Running Bobcat.  And Running Bobcat } tagged Walking Horse and Walking Horse tagged Sleeping Moose.  But } Sleeping Moose was the slowest of all the warriors, and he could not } tag anyone. } } So Sleeping Moose saisd, "I will tag the west wind, so that the west } wind will be it."  And he tagged the west wind.  But then on the next } day, the wind blew from the east, and tagged Sleeping Moose right back. } So then Sleeping Moose said, "I will tag the water in the river, so } that the water will be it."  And he tagged the water, and the water ran } down the Big River, and the Big River ran down to the Big Sea.  And } many moons passed, and the water became the clouds, and the rain fell } on Sleeping Moose, and tagged Sleeping Moose. } } So Sleeping Moose said, "I'm sick of this.  I will tag the big } mountain, which does not blow as the wind, and does not run as the } water.  The big mountain will stay where it is, and will not tag me } back.  So Sleeping Moose tagged the big mountain, and the big mountain } stayed where it was, and did not tag Sleeping Moose back. } } And the big mountain was it for many, many seasons.  The warriors had } grandsons and their grandsons had grandsons, until the medicine man } they called Oracle climbed the big mountain, to speak with the spirits } of nature.  And the Oracle said to the spirit of the big mountian "Big } Mountain Spirit, will you speak to me?"  And the spirit of the mountain } said "Yes, I will speak to you, Oracle."  Oracle said "What do you have } to say to me?", and the big mountain said. "Tag, you're it!  Hahahaha!" } } And Oracle was it for many more seasons, until Unsuspecting Supplicant } came to Oracle.  And Unsuspecting Supplicant asked Oracle: } } "What is it?" } } And Oracle replied: } } "TAG!!!  _You_ are it!!!!  No Tag-Backs!!!  Hahahahahaha"

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Sheesh - that wasn't nice of you!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Scene:  The Oracle's luxurious penthouse apartment, high above the } city.  In the darkened living room, Lisa and the Oracle sit on the } overstuffed sofa, doing unusually--- um, they sit there "cuddling." } Suddenly, a soft, muffled chime rings out, followed by a soft, muffled } thump as Lisa's posterior hits the floor. } } "D*mn!" cries the Oracle, leaping to his feet. } } "Ooo, I love it when you swear in Asteric," purrs Lisa, clinging to his } leg as he struggles over towards the bookshelf. } } "Let go, Babe.  This could be important.  It's a message on CryptoNet." } } "CryptoNet?  But Orrie, that's for spies and stuff.  You don't need } spies.  You're omniscient!" } } "I know."  Pulling on a fake copy of "The Prince," the Oracle trips a } secret latch and the bookcase slides to one side, revealing an } ultra-high-tech communications center, with more flashing lights than } the main console of the Forbin Project.  "But spies are good for more } than just finding out stuff." } } Lisa's brow furrows in disapproval.  "Orrie!  Are you playing 'World } Domination' with Loki again?" } } The Oracle grins.  "I never stopped.  Just lost contact with my agents } for a little while.  Ah, here we go." } } MESSAGE RECEIVED - SHEESH, THAT WASN'T NICE OF YOU. } } "Oh poo," says Lisa.  "That's no secret message.  That's just that guy } complaining about the business with the walrus, the banana pudding, and } the 9-volt battery." } } "Ah, to the ordinary layman, that's what it LOOKS like.  All my agents } use my special Anagram Encryption Code for their messages.  Watch what } happens when we re-arrange the letters." } } CALCULATING ANAGRAM... } OUTPUT: AUTHENTICATE HE OF SHY SNOWS } } "Aha, my Middle Eastern Agent!" } } "He of shy snows?" } } "How often do you think it snows in the Sahara?"  Lisa pouts at this } reply, as the muffled bell chimes again. } } MESSAGE RECEIVED:  SHEESH, THAT WASN'T NICE OF YOU. } CALCULATING ANAGRAM... } OUTPUT:  SHAH SHY OF A WEE CONSTITUENT. } } "Shah?" } } The Oracle clears his throat and seems to be fiddling with the } controls.  "Well I said I hadn't heard from my agents in a while," he } mumbles. } } "Yeah, but 20 years?"  Ignoring her, the Oracle taps out a quick reply. } } INPUT MESSAGE:  He was shy of a constituent, eh? } ENCODING... } OUTPUT:  SHEESH, THAT WASN'T NICE OF YOU. } } *ding* } MESSAGE RECEIVED:  SHEESH, THAT WASN'T NICE OF YOU. } CALCULATING ANAGRAM... } OUTPUT:  ANESTHETIC FUSE SHOT ANYHOW. } } "Anesthetic..?"  The Oracle thinks for a moment, then slaps his head. } "The ceramic goat!  The plot to kidnap Khomeini!  I WONDERED what went } wrong." } } *ding* } MESSAGE RECEIVED:  SHEESH, THAT WASN'T NICE OF YOU. } CALCULATING ANAGRAM... } OUTPUT:  ANESTHETIC WHOOSH, YET SNAFU. } } "D*mn!" he swears, more for Lisa's benefit that out of real displeasure. } } *ding* } MESSAGE RECEIVED:  SHEESH, THAT WASN'T NICE OF YOU. } CALCULATING ANAGRAM... } OUTPUT:  HA HA! CONSTITUENT SHY OF EWES! } } The mighty Oracle rolls his eyes in disgust.  "An ungulophobe!  No } wonder the plot failed!" } } *ding* } MESSAGE RECEIVED:  SHEESH, THAT WASN'T NICE OF YOU. } CALCULATING ANAGRAM... } OUTPUT:  WHOA! SHY CONSTITUENT HAS FEE! } } "Fee?" says Lisa.  "You mean he's trying to bribe your agent?" } } "Don't worry, my agents are hand-picked men.  They can't be bought." } } *ding* } MESSAGE RECEIVED:  SHEESH, THAT WASN'T NICE OF YOU. } CALCULATING ANAGRAM... } OUTPUT:  WHY EASE SHAH OF CONSTITUENT? } } "What!  D**n you!  Don't question my orders!"  Lisa winces:  Orrie } almost NEVER swears in Double Asteric! } } "But Orrie, the Shah has been gone for years.  What difference does it } make?" } } The Oracle glowers.  "It's the principle of the thing.  I better send } this guy some assistance."  He rapidly types a message and hits the } SEND key. } } *ding* } MESSAGE RECEIVED:  SHEESH, THAT WASN'T NICE OF YOU. } CALCULATING ANAGRAM... } OUTPUT:  THY ASSISTANCE? O WHEE.  HOT FUN. } } "Sarcasm?!?  He dares mock the Omnipotent Oracle?" } } "Maybe he's showing off.  Does he have any girls with him?" } } "Hmmm."  The Oracle dashes off a quick query. } } *ding* } MESSAGE RECEIVED:  SHEESH, THAT WASN'T NICE OF YOU. } CALCULATING ANAGRAM... } OUTPUT:  CANTONESE HUSSY, FEW HOT THAI. } } The Oracle's irritation begins to develop into a full-blown wrath. } "Outside his assigned jurisdiction, and he even dares imply he is more } virile than I?"  He bends over his keyboard.  "Um, Lisa, honey, would } you go get me a cup of coffee?" } } "Sure!" chirps Lisa.  As soon as she is out of the room, he types } furiously, recounting some of his favorite exploits.  Lisa hears the } chime as she comes back with his coffee. } } *ding* } MESSAGE RECEIVED:  SHEESH, THAT WASN'T NICE OF YOU. } CALCULATING ANAGRAM... } OUTPUT:  THEY SWOON (ETC), HUH? FANTASIES! } } The Oracle begins to glow, and the cup of coffee in his hand begins to } boil. } } "Um, Orrie?"  Lisa nervously backs away from him.  With the stiff } movements of barely controlled rage, he pecks out a final warning. } } *ding* } MESSAGE RECEIVED:  SHEESH, THAT WASN'T NICE OF YOU. } CALCULATING ANAGRAM... } OUTPUT:  YEAH, WE CONSISTENT, HUH FATSO? } } The All-Powerful Oracle becomes ominously calm.  He flips a switch, } types the letters TZO, then hits the SEND key, and waits for his } renegade agent to decode the message.  After a few moments, another } screen lights up. } } *beep* } AUTOMATED STATUS REPORT:  SHEESH, THAT WASN'T NICE OF YOU. } CALCULATING ANAGRAM... } OUTPUT:  THY FOES NOW AUTHENTIC ASHES. } } With a diabolical smile, the satisfied Oracle pushes the button, and } the ultra-high-tech communications console disappears behind the } bookshelf. } } You owe the Oracle an unemployed KGB agent.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Oracle most wise, > whose brain can reach the skies, > whose voice is such sweet sound > that my grovel must abound. > > What is going to happen in 1993?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A timely question indeed! } } The Oracle happens to have just received the scheduled outline of } important events planned for 1993 by They.  (You know, They.  The } all-powerful rulers of mankind.)  Here are some excerpts. } } January:  Bill Clinton and Al Gore sworn in.  George Bush goes } home to Texas only to find that his hotel room/legal residence } has been rented out for years by the Texas Democratic Party. } Bush moves into a refrigerator crate near the docks in Houston. } Mrs. Bush gets paying work as lead role in sitcom based on life } of George Washington.  Dan Quayle becomes resident pro at } Valparaiso, Indiana country club. } } February:  Chaos erupts in Punxawtawney, Pennsylvania as the } Woodchuck Liberation Army storms the annual Groundhog Day ceremo- } nies. } } March:  A talk.bizarre/rec.arts.startrek flamewar breaks out. } The Imminent Death of the Net actually occurs. } } April:  Clinton gets important legislation passed requiring } reinstatement of ancient feudal custom "droit du seigneur," } requiring all newly married brides to spend their wedding night } with him.  Clinton passes on the ugly ones to Gore.  Gore begins } writing book called "A Warm Pitcher of Spit Looks Pretty Good } Right Now." } } May: Domino's Pizza opens first Moscow franchises. } } June: Domino's Pizza closes all Moscow franchises after most } delivery boys are shot and killed by residents more interested in } getting their hands on the nice red, white, and blue delivery } trucks than on eating pizza. } } July:  Serbian militiamen invade Monaco, kill thousands, and set } up concentration camps in casino parking lots. } } August:  "Oracle Day" declared national holiday in 188 countries, } including the newest internationally-recognized nation, Detroit. } } September:  Clinton and Gore embroiled in wife-swapping scandal. } Tipper claims she was brainwashed into sleeping with Bill by } insidious, permissive hard rock lyrics.  Hillary says she prefers } sex with someone who doesn't keep slipping up and calling her } "Bambi" and "Muffy" in bed. } } October:  Chicago Cubs win World Series in stunning come-from- } behind 4-3 victory over the Oakland A's.  Hell freezes over. } } November:  In a politically-motivated move timed to help Demo- } cratic candidates in local and state elections, Bill Clinton } sends U.S. troops into China to find out why they put so much MSG } in take-out orders. } } December:  Elvis Presley found alive and well on small island in } the Bermuda Triangle with Jim Morrison, Amelia Earhart, and Judge } Crater. } } It's going to be an exciting year! } } You owe the Oracle 12 nudie pics of Paulina Porizkova for its } calendar.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> A question that has puzzled me for ages, oh Oracle, most wise.  I shall > be most grateful for the answer to this: > >       Two people pull into a parking lot into two adjacent spaces, 100 >       feet from the door.  They see two spots 30 feet closer to the >       door.  Driver A starts the car and drives that extra 30 feet. >       Driver B sez "Nah, too much hassle to re-start the car and drive, >       I'll just walk the extra 30 feet." > >       Which of the two drivers is lazier? > > Thank you for the consideration of this most unworthy question.  Be > secure in the knowledge that I will provide service to the Oracle > commensurate to the answer!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not a bad question, as far as it goes, but you forgot to include a few } other relevant drivers. } } Driver C: The New York Driver; attempts to pull into driver A's space } before driver A can reach it, despite the fact that there is a } perfectly good empty space next to it. } } Driver D: The Boston Driver; attempts to pull into driver A's space } ahead of driver A, and then parks parallel to the curb, taking up } driver A's space, the space next to it, and a good ten feet of } sidewalk. } } Driver E: The New Jersey Driver; is willing to swear before a grand } jury that there never was a parking space, besides which he didn't take } it, and anyway, he doesn't know anything about an unfortunate } "accident" that befell driver A involving several tons of concrete and } a sawed-off shotgun. } } Driver F: The Texas Driver; pulls into the space closer to the shop, } then decides that, in the interests of his family, he ought to take the } one farther away, but then concludes that his supporters really want } him to take the first space, which he'll do if they can validate his } parking ticket in all fifty states. } } Driver G: The College Student Driver; puts off deciding where to park } until all the spaces are taken, then decides it's too late, and goes } off to get a beer. } } Driver H: The Internet Driver; decides that picking a space on his own } is too much effort, and therefore posts a query to "rec.auto.parking" } asking, "Which space should I take?" prompting a five-month long } thread, the content of which breaks down as follows: 15% instructions } to read the FAQ; 54% flames; 30.999% asking "How many parks could a } parking lot lot if a parking lot could lot parks?"; and .001% providing } relevant (if erroneous or misleading) information. } } To answer your question, the laziest of all is driver I, who is so lazy } that he does not even bother to finish answering the

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are New Year's Eve and Christmas so close together? > Do they have a common origin?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As you know, Christmas originated as a celebration of the birth of } Jesus who, according to Christian teaching, was the Savior of the } world.  New Year's Day, obviously, celebrates the beginning of the } year.  In order to understand the reason for the closeness of the two } holidays, we must go back in time to ancient Judea, circa 4 BC... } } ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ } We are in the house of Joseph, a poor carpenter living on the southwest } side of Nazareth, and his lovely wife Mary.  Joe is out back, } belt-sanding a new council table for the Sanhedrin.  Mary is inside, } watching her favorite soap opera, "As the Dreidel Turns".  Suddenly, } she is blinded by a flash of light. } } "Hey?  What's that?", Mary cries. } } "It is I, Gabriel, the angel of the Lord.  I bring you tidings of great } joy!" } } "Can it wait until the commercial?" } } "No, the word of God does not wait for commercials." } } Mary reluctantly hit the mute, and listened to what the angel had to } say.  "OK, Gabe, go ahead." } } Gabriel began to explain, "The Lord has chosen you to be placed above } all women.  You are to bear a son, and name him Jesus.  He will be the } Savior of the world, and all will call him Emmanuel." } } "What's an Emmanuel?", Mary interrupted. } } "Don't ask questions--it's just part of the script."  Gabriel cleared } his throat.  "Do you accept this task which God has chosen for you?" } } "Uh, yeah, sure, I guess so.  As long as I get to pick the date of the } birth.  I've got a Tupperware (tm) party coming up next week, and I'm } hosting the bridge circle on Wednesday...I'm a busy woman!" } } Gabriel thought for a moment.  "Well, OK, I guess.  When do you want } the kid to be born?  Remember, this is the world's savior-to-be.  His } birthday will be honored and celebrated for millennia to come.  Nations } will make it an official holiday." } } "You mean people will get off work?" } } "Yeah, that's right." } } "Well, when could Joe use some more time off?  We did want to take a } vacation around the beginning of next year, but we only get the one day } off.  And Joe has already used up all his vacation for this year." } } Gabriel pondered this for a moment.  "Why do you want to take a } vacation then? There's nothing going on for miles." } } Mary responded, "Yeah, I know.  You know Joe volunteers with the Census } Bureau, and there's some sort of shindig going on in Bethlehem for the } census this year." } } "OK, I guess that'll work.  So we'll have the baby born January 1." } } Mary yelled, "No, no!  That's already a holiday.  Don't waste it.  Just } put it close to New Year's Day." } } "Well, when then?", Gabriel asked.  "You can't get every day off..." } } Mary thought for a bit, and then said, "Well, how about making it as } close to New Year's as possible.  If they're close enought, maybe a lot } of companies will give us all the time in between off.  Sort of a, } well, New Year's shutdown, you might call it." } } "How far apart could they be, and still get the vacation?  That would } maximize the benefits", Gabriel said. } } "Maybe a week or two", Mary said. } } Gabriel replied, "Better stick with a week.  OK, we'll have the baby } born January 8.  That's a week after New Year's." } } Mary said, "That's fine.  That'll be...oh, on second thought, how about } the week before New Year's?  Then we can claim the deduction on this } year's taxes." } } Gabriel said, "OK, no problem.  One week before New Year's } Day--that's...December 25.  Jesus, Savior of the world, will be born } this next December 25." } } "Cool", Mary said.  And with that, the angel left her. } } ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ } And so, you see why Christmas was placed so close to the end of the } year.  It was all part of God's wonderful and mysterious plans, which } you humans cannot hope to comprehend.  I realize this does shed a new } bit of light on the original Bible story, but you did want the truth, } didn't you? } } You owe the Oracle a prayer to intercede for forgiveness of his sins, } because he's probably going to Hell for writing this...

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How many roads must a woodchuck walk down? >

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [Scene:  A darkened computer lab.  A shadowy figure sits before } the nearest terminal, which casts a sickly green glow across his } snickering countenance.  The message on the terminal reads: } }       From: "The Usenet Oracle" <biff!uunet!cs.indiana.edu!oracle> }       Subject: An answer to the #Qa58102 question is required by the }       Oracle. } }       The Usenet Oracle requires an answer to this question! } }       > How many roads must a woodchuck walk down? }       > } } The shadowy figure giggles with delight.] } } "It works!  My random question generator is a success!" } } [A second terminal beeps, and displays the message:] } }       From: "The Usenet Oracle" <biff!uunet!cs.indiana.edu!oracle> }       Subject: An answer to the #Qa58103 question is required by the }       Oracle. } }       The Usenet Oracle requires an answer to this question! } }       > How much wood is the Ultimate Answer to Life, }       > the Universe and Everything? }       > } } "Bwahahahaha!  The Oracle will be brought to his knees!" } } [A third terminal beeps...] } }       From: "The Usenet Oracle" <biff!uunet!cs.indiana.edu!oracle> }       Subject: An answer to the #Qa58104 question is required by the }       Oracle. } }       The Usenet Oracle requires an answer to this question! } }       > How many woodchucks does it take to change a light bulb? }       > } } "Revenge is mine!  LISA is mine!  He'll be trapped in the loop } forever!" } } [beep] } }       From: "The Usenet Oracle" <biff!uunet!cs.indiana.edu!oracle> }       Subject: The Oracle replies! } }       The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. }       You wrote: } }       > How many roads must a woodchuck walk down? }       > } }       And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } }       } Nice try, Loki, but there's a bug in your program. }       } Each of the questions you send in has a blank line }       } at the end, which makes them easy to filter out... }       } }       } You owe the Oracle a terminal.  This one will do: } } [The terminal disappears in a puff of smoke.] } } "Aaaaaaaauuuuuuuggggghhh!" } } [beep] } }       From: "The Usenet Oracle" <biff!uunet!cs.indiana.edu!oracle> }       Subject: The Oracle replies! } }       The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. }       You wrote: } }       > How much wood is the Ultimate Answer to Life, }       > the Universe and Everything? }       > } }       And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } }       } As much wood as it will take to rebuild this computer lab }       } when I finish dismantling it.  You owe the Oracle a mainframe. } } [There is a loud BANG and all the terminals vanish except one, } which beeps and displays the following message...] } }       From: "The Usenet Oracle" <biff!uunet!cs.indiana.edu!oracle> }       Subject: The Oracle replies! } }       The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. }       You wrote: } }       > How many woodchucks does it take to change a light bulb? }       > } }       And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } }       } Here's a better riddle: } } [The door to the lab shudders, as an earsplitting KNOCK KNOCK } reverberates across the campus...] } } Loki whirls to face the door.  "Who's there?" } } [beep] }       } Oracle. } } [Loki shouts a Nordic curse, and vanishes in a puff of green smoke. } The terminal beeps again:] } }       } You're supposed to say "Oracle who?", moron. } } Better luck next time!  You owe the Oracle one of those Viking hats } with the neat horns coming out the side, like Hagar wears.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Masterful Oracle, please answer your humble suppliant this question: > > How does one create the world's greatest data compression algorithm?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} .

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great Oracle, whose profundities steer the fate of Man.  Answer me > this question: > > Is it safe for me to run /usr/bin/fortune without spawning > /usr/bin/outrageous_fortune < slings+arrows ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To spawn, or not to spawn--that is the question } Whether 'tis /usr/contrib/bin/snobol'er in the mind to }  endure the slings+arrows of outrageous_fortune } Or to take alarm(2) against a /bin/csh of troubles } And by apropos'ing end(3C) them. } To die, to /bin/sleep--no /usr/bin/more } And by a /bin/sleep to say we end(heartache, }  1000*shocks(natural,flesh)) } To die, 'tis a comm | summation dev(2)+out(3)'ly }  to be wished! } To /bin/sleep, perchance to iostream! Aye, there's the rub! } For in that sleep of death what screens may come } When we have shuffled off this mortal coil } Must give us pause() } } You owe the Oracle source code to splint (the Shakespeare }  verse beautifier)