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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle. I do not feel lke myself today. What on earth should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Buy a piece of fossilized Pleistocene mammoth dung, then take it } to to your local veterinarian's and tell the vet in a high state } of agitation that you're worried about the stools your German } shepherd is passing.  Unscrew the mirror from your bathroom medicine } cabinet and take it with you to the downtown public library; go up } to the help desk and ask whether they have any reverse-print books. } Throw a major hissing fit when you are told they don't.  Go to the } art museum, set up your easel in front of a Rembrandt, and begin } painting a copy of Picasso's "Guernica."  If anyone points out the } discrepancy, hit yourself on the forehead and say "Geez, you're } right! GEEZ!!" Find someone with a "Will work for food" sign, then } drive past him at 12 mph as you hold a Big Mac out the window and } shout, "It's yours if you can catch it!"  Find a meter-maid and } then jog down the street just in front of her van, putting nickels } in every expired parking meter you see; do this for several hours. } Rent a doorman's costume and stand out in front of the fanciest } doorman-less hotel you can find.  When anyone passes, tip your cap } and say, "Tickle your ass with a feather!"; when they gasp "WHAT } did you say?!" sweetly reply, "Particularly nice weather!"  Go down } to the airport, find a spot beneath outgoing planes, and watch } every takeoff with a rapturous gaze; if anyone is standing next to } you as a plane passes overhead, turn to them and say, as you point } to the plane, "I can see its wee-wee!" } } I guarantee you'll feel MUCH better.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Are there any good card games one can play with business cards?  Or, > more specifically, are there any solitaire games one can play with > business cards?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My forthcoming THE USENET ORACLE'S BIG BOOK OF BUSINESS CARD GAMES } contains many more multiplayer than solitaire games.  Of course } you'll want to buy the book, but in the meantime here's a sampler } of three games, including the most popular solitaire variant. } } Game 1: Business Card Post Office } --------------------------------- } Party game, most fun with a large mixed-sex group. } } Everyone puts their own business card face down into a pile.  The cards } are shuffled and each player draws a card at random.  One at a time, } each player reads the name and job title on the card he has drawn and } then says, "I have to put a stamp on <NAME>!"  If NAME's job title is } more prestigious than Player's, Player must kiss NAME on the butt or } drop out of the game; otherwise Player can either pass or kiss NAME } on the mouth.  If Player chooses to kisses NAME, NAME can either accept } the kiss, or call out "Harrassment!" while throwing his or her own } business card in the air.  If the card comes down heads, Player is } "guilty" and must sit out a turn; if it comes down tails, NAME is } "fired" and is out of the game. } } If a Player has drawn his or her own card, everyone calls out "Pee-Wee } Herman!" and Player is out of the game. } } The game ends either when only one player is left or when the remaining } players are too busy kissing to choose cards; this is called } "Corporation" and counts as a draw. } } Game 2: Business Card "War" } --------------------------- } 2 players } } Each player plays with his own personal business card collection.  Both } players put their cards in a pile, face down.  On each turn, both } players turn over a single card from their pile.  The player with the } higheranking card shouts "I beat!" and adds both cards to his winnings. } Play ends when one player has turned over all of his cards; the winner } is the one with the most cards. } } In a friendly game, players may agree in advance to limit themselves to } the same initial number of cards.  In tournament play, however, each } player always begins with as many cards as he has. } } Ranking: Companies and job titles are ignored except when two cards } rank the same, in which case the usual rules of corporate precedence } apply. Otherwise, cards are compared by going through the following } series of test: } }     Custom-printed       BEATS      $2 Do-It-Yourself Mall Machine }     Color                  "        black-and-white }     Embossed letters       "        flat letters }     Times Roman            "        artsy-fartsy fonts }     Hand-set type          "        machine printed }     Halftone engraved }       portrait of owner    "        photograph of owner }     Hologram company logo  "        embossed logo }     Internet address       "        Bitnet, MCI mail, or Fidonet }                                       address } } Cards with any of the following are "wild" and automatically win: } }     UUCP bang-path addresses; workplace address with no numbers }     (e.g., "Manor House, Sutton-Under-Barrow, Hampstead, England"); }     typesetting by Kibo } } Cards with any of the following are "jokers" and automatically lose: } }     handwritten corrections; company "Slogan in Quotes Like This"; }     dried boogers; Internet address @aol.com } } Game 3: Business Card Hangman } ----------------------------- } a solitaire game } } Shuffle all the business cards in your collection and draw 13 at } random. Place twelve of the cards face up in two rows to form the "jury } box." Then place the thirteenth card face up below the others, saying } as you put it down, "Behold the Hanged Man!" } } Write down the fax numbers from the 12 cards of the "jury."  Send each } of the jury members a fax with the following text, signed by the } "Hanged Man" with his fax number as the return address, after having } scanned in his corporate logo to make a convincing fax cover sheet: } }         TO:  <Jury Member> } }         Since you didn't respond to my last fax I can only assume that }         you are a miserable, cowardly excuse for a professional who }         doesn't give a damn if his company goes down the tubes.  Well, }         I wouldn't do business with you if you were giving away ice }         cubes in Hell.  And don't even bother replying to this fax, now }         that it's too late, because *our* janitor keeps enough paper }         in the john for people to wipe their asses with. } }         <Hanged Man> } } Scoring: Consider yourself a winner if Hanged Man loses a job, files } for bankruptcy, or commits suicide.  Consider yourself a big loser if } you're not smart enough to hack the fax so your own return number } doesn't show up on the messages you send.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle who cares when no one else does: > > Why do birds sing?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hi.  Lisa here.  Orrie doesn't care, but I do. } } Well, as you know, God made all the creatures on earth.  To some, God } gave the ability to eat a cow in four minutes flat.  Others can invent } computers. And some just look cool.  (The lemur, for example.) } } One day, the animals were sitting around bragging about the gifts God } had given them. } } "I've got a really long neck," said the giraffe.  "Longer than any of } you. I can reach the top of a tree." } } All of the animals grumbled jealously.  Then the bird piped up and } said: "Aw, no, that's no big deal.  I can fly to the top of a tree and } even higher. You're gonna have to do better than that." } } The cheetah spoke up.  "Well, I bet you can't outrun me, on land or } air. I'm the fastest runner God made, and I dare you to prove } otherwise." } } Said the bird, "Okay.  I'll race you to the bottom of the cliff." } } Now, the cheetah was a proud cat, and not the brightest creature made, } so he agreed to the race.  They started at the top of a cliff, one } kilometre from the edge, and the cheetah called out, "On your mark, get } set, go!". Now, the cheetah was in the lead, and jumped off the edge of } the cliff when he got there.  Broke his neck, too.  The bird came by } later, huffing and puffing, and admitted defeat. } } "You sure were the fastest, friend cheetah, but I can pull up at the } end of a nose-dive, and you can't." } } So the bird had proven his superiority again. } } Now man, the smartest creature, praised the bird, saying, "You really } are a smart one, friend bird.  But I'll bet that I can fit into a } smaller bag than you can. } } "You're a fool, man.  You're much bigger than I am," protested the } bird. } } "Are you going to talk all day, or will you prove you can fit into a } smaller bag than I can?" said man. } } "Okay, okay," said the bird.  "Go right ahead and get into a bag."  And } man squeezed into a potato sack.  It wasn't confortable, but it was } about as small a bag as he'd ever fit in. } } "You're kidding me," said the bird.  And the bird flew into a sack no } bigger than a man's head. } } No sooner was he in than Man grabbed the sack, tied it in a knot, and } bashed the bird against a tree.  All the other animals took turns } jumping on the bag, and the bird cried out, "Lord, save me from these } evil animals!  They're beating the heck out of me!" } } God said, "I heard you bragging as loud as anyone else, and I'm not too } happy about your trick on the cheetah.  I made that Myself, you know. } But I won't see you die in that bag."  And God released the bird. } } "Thanks, God," it said. } } "Don't thank me, loudmouth.  You're not going to brag anymore."  And } with that, God ZOTted the bird's voice to smithereens. } } In a fury, the bird began to curse God, but to no avail.  Only a sweet- } sounding melody came out.  This made the bird even angrier, but his } next curse turned into the most heavenly song ever heard.  Such } goings-on continue to this day, and although birds sound very happy, } they're trying with all their might to say something evil about your } mother. } } You owe the Oracle a book of animal folklore.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where can I get a introduction in fuzzy and/or classic logic in > English or German for free ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Try this, humble servant. Post the following message to USENET } comp.theory: } } "Hello everyone. Please excuse me my English is developing } extraordinarily. My name is Katrinka and I'm a 19 year old Swedish } female student here at State University of Stockholm. I am so happy to } discover this USENET, it is an answer to my most constipated dreams! } You see here in the tundra, we are very lonely, sometimes I am } spending many nights alone without comforting from other men, how } debilitating! To allow be to describe myself, I am 5'9", 105 lbs. I am } measuring 36C-24-35. I have decided to relax my modelling career, too } much stresses you know, and to study computer science. I am hoping to } speak to so many of you on a constant theme, perhaps one day we can } meet and share experiences when I am travelling the world looking for } new adventures! I am a little bit of a wild virgin you know. It is my } dream to talk to many men about my studies and someday have chances to } meet them all. } Well it is getting colder here tonight, and I am only in my thong } panties, no top in this cold weather typing at the keyboard is causing } me goosebumps, my long straight blonde hair only keeps by back warm. } Your answer to my question will make me so happy and fill me with } passions, I sometimes loose control." } } <Insert your question here> } } Love and longing, } Katrinka DeLoon } } I think you get the point. You've got to use this pretty much without } modification, it's good for anywhere from 12-300 responses within a 48 } hour period. It has been know to lead to the completion of 9 masters } degree and 4 doctoral theses via email, and at least 23 embarrassing } flights to Stockholm for some horny American grad students. } } You owe the oracle one of those goofy Viking helmets, or was that } Norway?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>     Oh Great Oracle, >       Seer of the Internet, >       deeper thinker than the Shodan, >       the world Grandmaster, >       and the Princeton Mathematics department combined, >       Knower of more Secrets than even the new Secretary of Defense, >       able to access more data faster than any mere database, >     I beg you to tell me: > >     Does the new year have something special in store for me ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}               A Month-by-Month Look at The New Year } } JANUARY   A famous and beautiful starlet (whose identity will }           remain secret in order not to ruin the surprise) will land in }           your backyard after a publicity stunt involving a }           parachute goes awry.  You will have to cut her out of her }           skin-tight jumpsuit to save her life.  She will be very }           thankful-- VERY. } } FEBRUARY  In a bizarre political accident, you will be elected }           President of the Commonwealth of Independent States.  You }           will, of course, apologetically turn down the post.  The }           ex-Soviets, undaunted, will move their capitol to Topeka, }           Kansas, despite protests by the US Government. } } MARCH     You win $50 bucks in Lotto. } } APRIL     A coup d'etet in the CIS will be successful, eliminating }           your unwanted post.  Unfortunately, the people, now }           completely confused by so much political upheaval, will }           mistake you for a Hero of the Revolution, and place the }           revolutionary capitol in Topeka, Kansas. } } MAY       You find your old copy of "The Phantom Tollbooth" in the }           back of a closet and rediscover a classic. } } JUNE      The starlet you rescued in January returns and tells you }           that she circled the globe, looking for a lover who was as }           honest and caring as you were, but to no avail.  She moves }           in with you. } } JULY      A stray bottle rocket you fire flies out of control and }           hits an actor playing Barney the Dinosaur on live }           television.  45 million children watch as the Purple }           Menace bursts into flames. } } AUGUST    In a landmark election, completely free of violence }           or corruption, UN-supervised balloting declares you Premier }           of the VBNA (Very Big Nation in Asia).  Beating everyone to }           the punch, you declare that you're moving the capitol to }           Topeka, Kansas. } } SEPTEMBER Bill Gates, driving his unregistered Porsche, slams into }           your '88 Chrysler Cordoba.  He pays you one billion }           dollars to keep you quiet. } } OCTOBER   The Mayor of Topeka, Kansas announces that tax }           revenues are up 4,432,752% from the previous year. } } NOVEMBER  When you learn how much the Premier of the VBNA is }           expected to earn, you quit your lousy job and move to }           Topeka, Kansas with your new wife, the Oscar-winning }           super-actress. } } DECEMBER  The Barney the Dinosaur show on PBS is canceled.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The outlook wasn't brilliant for r.h.o that week; } For all the priest's submissions had been uniformly weak; } And so, when Dr. Noe struck out and Otis Viles fell flat, } A cry of "Not again!" escaped from supplicant Goldblatt. } } A straggling few logged off in deep despair.  But all the rest } Clung to the hope which springs eternal in the human breast; } They thought, if only Oracle could answer one or two, } They'd probably laugh so loud and long their faces would turn blue! } } But all this hopeful thinking was going to be quite moot } For the Mage was in the dark, and Harold was a Foot; } So upon that stricken multitude grim melancholy sat, } For there seemed but little chance of Oracle's getting past all that. } } But Darkmage hit a funny-bone and expectations grew, } And Harold found a short exchange that bust a gut or two; } And when the dust had lifted, and they saw what all they had, } There were nine oracularities, and not one of them was bad. } } Then from the gladdened multitude went up a joyous yell, } It bounded from the mountain-top, and rattled in the dell; } It struck upon the hillside, and shook the very sky; } For Oracle, mighty Oracle, was advancing for his try. } } There was ease in Oracle's manner as he stepped up to the screen, } His teeth had a bright sparkle, his hair had a nice sheen; } And when, responding to the cheers, he lightly doffed his hat, } No stranger on the net could doubt 'twas Oracle at the bat. } } Ten thousand eyes were on him as he cracked his mighty knuckles, } Five thousand bellies knotted tight in half-expectant chuckles; } Then while the mailer-daemon started with a little blip, } Defiance gleamed in Oracle's eye, a sneer curled Oracle's lip. } } And now the supplicant's question came speeding down the coax, } The Oracle read, and frowned, and thought "This must be a hoax!" } For there upon the screen the supplicant's lame question stood: } "How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck }   wood?" } } From across the net, across the world, there came a muffled roar, } Like the beating of the storm-waves on a stern and distant shore; } "Flame him! Flame the supplicant!" a disgruntled reader said. } And they likely would have flamed him had Oracle not zotted him dead. } } With a smile of supreme wisdom great Oracle scanned the crowd; } He looked upon the ash-charred corpse, and then he laughed aloud. } He commanded Kinzler's mailer to give him another try; } The question came back quickly, and it was but one word: "Why?" } } "Fraud!" cried the maddened thousands, and the echo answered, "Fraud!" } But a scornful look from Oracle, and the audience was awed; } They saw his face grow stern and cold, they saw his muscles strain, } And they knew that Oracle didn't want a lame question again. } } The sneer is gone from Oracle's lips, his teeth they gnash like mad, } He pounds with cruel violence his mouse upon its pad; } He sends his subject "tellme", it goes speeding like a bull. } A question comes right speeding back--the question, it is null! } } Oh! somewhere on this Internet the sun is shining bright, } The band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light; } And somewhere men are laughing, and somewhere children shout, } But there is no joy in r.h.o--mighty Oracle has freaked out. } } You owe the Oracle a more creative question and Kirby Puckett's rookie } year baseball card.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I would normally grovel, but since I am rather pressed for time, I hope > you will be understanding and overlook the absence of a grovel this > once. > > Okay, here's my situation.  It would appear that the End of the World > is only a few minutes away.  I'm afraid this caught me by surprise and > I didn't have time to prepare.  So, as quickly as you can, could you > please tell me what I should do in my final moments of existence? > > Sincerely,

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Usenet Oracle is pondering your question. } } Expect an answer in a day or two.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Suddenly, my shirt was full and my pants empty! > > There I was, peacefully getting ready to go out on a Friday night, > and just like that! I'm a female. > > Well, I can tell you, I was pretty surprised,  but I'm a quick > thinker, and I realized, first of all, I might not be the only one, > and even if I was, maybe that petite blonde down the hall liked > girls (she sure as heck didn't like the *guy* I had been up until a > few minutes ago). > > So, I went and knocked on her door. > > She was a six-foot tall stud! > > Boy did he look funny! Her clothes were too small for him, and they > had kind of exploded and ripped all over! > > Well, I'm as straight as they come, so I had a moment of revulsion, > but I figured, hey, look at the body I've got now, this is what I'm > *supposed* to do, so I said, > "Here, let me help you with that," > > And what a time we had! Let me tell you, when both partners know > what it's like to be on the other side of the fence, you can really > have yourselves some fun! > > Sunday evening, we changed back -- right in the middle of it, > without missing a beat -- that was wild! > > We've been dating ever since, and that's going just fine, thank you, > but there's one little problem, and I think it's getting bigger. > > I'm pregnant. > > What shall I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Office of Eddie Clontz, Editor } Weekly World News } 600S East Coast Ave } Lantana, FL 33462 } }               *******  SEX SWAP SHOCKER!  ******* }    College students chromosome mixup leaves young man pregnant! } }   For  one mind-boggling  weekend,  college  students  at   a large } Midwestern  university swapped  sexes in a genetic experiment whose } source is thought to have been a cosmic disturbance centered at the } computer center of Indiana University. }   Experts postulate that  The Usenet +----------------------------- } Oracle, electronic  diety  and sage, |   Surprisingly  enough, just } was responsible for the sex-reversal | one student  was impregnated } of several  hundred  students.  "You | during  the experiment.  But } have to  understand  that the job of | now,  experts  claim,   this } the Usenet Oracle is pretty hideous" | student was turned back into } Oracle  expert  Dr. I. D.  Mistertim | a  male  at  the end  of the } told  reporters.  "Every  day, some- | bizarre  weekend!   When re- } thing like  500 requests  for advice | porters spoke  with him,  he } on how to get  laid  come from  male | replied  that he had been in } Computer Science students.  It seems | touch with the Usenet Oracle } that  The Oracle  has taken business | who  advised him to  write a } into His own Hands."                 | book,   hit  the  talk  show }   Some  700 students' sexes were re- | circuit, and  set up a trust } versed during  the  shocking experi- | fund  for  the kid's college } ment,  and  everyone   involved  was | education. } eager to get a taste  of what it was |   The  Usenet  Oracle  could } like on "the other side."            | not be reached for comment. } ------------------------------------------------------------------- } } ...you owe the Oracle a swatch of fat from Oprah's thighs.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most Majestic Oracle, how can I make more Money?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, I *am* pleased to get a tiny little grovel in today's batch } of supplications. I'll tell you an old Hungarian folktale that my } grandmother told me. } } Once upon a time there was a farmer, by the name of Matyas, who } kept an orchard. Matyas grew pears, the most delicious golden } pears, of which Hugarians make Csaszarkorte liquor ... but I } digress. One day a beggar came to Matyas' door, and although he } had nothing else to give, Matyas gave him pears. The beggar } looked at him strangely, then looked at the pears, and finally } bit into one. Delight! "What are these fruits called? They are } delicious!" The beggar explained that he came from a land far } away where pears had never been heard of. He ate his fill and } wandered on. } } Matyas was not a greedy man, but was very poor, so he thought to } himself: they've never tasted pears. I'll bet I can take these to } the kingdom where the beggar came from and sell them at a really } good profit! } } So he took his cart and harnessed up his donkey, and travelled } for many days, over the plains and up to the mountains, to the } beggar's homeland. When he arrived there he realised why they'd } never tasted pears - it was a barren and stony place. Pear trees } would never grow here. } } The king was not hard to find, as he lived in a huge stone castle } atop a mountain. Matyas was well received, and when he brought } the pears to the king, he presented them as golden treasures fit } only for the palate of the noblest and best people in the land. } The king and his wife tried them, and were amazed and delighted. } They bought up the entire wagon-load, paying Matyas a handsome } weight of gold. Nothing but gold in exchange for these golden } wonders! } } Matyas returned safely home with his gold. At the least } prompting, he would launch into the story of the king of the } mountains, and the land where fruit trees could not grow. } } Matyas' neighbor Gyula was not a jealous man, but he was poor. He } listened to Matyas tell his story over and over. Gyula had a } cherry orchard, and grew the kind of sweet cherries that } Hungarians use to make Cseresznepalinka liquor... but I digress. } So one day it occurred to Gyula, to take cherries up into the } mountains and sell them to the king there. He thought to himself, } "Pears are sweet and smell good, that's true, but cherries are } even sweeter, and have a better taste too. Surely if the king } paid Matyas in gold, he'll pay me with the most precious things } in his kingdom! I shall come home with a sack full of diamonds." } } And so he loaded up his cart and set off towards the mountains. } He reminded himself of Matyas' story, and easily found the king's } castle. } } Once there, he was cordially received by the king and queen. The } entire court shared the cartload of cherries, and they were } declared to be the veritable food of the gods. Gyula was feasted } and feted for nearly a week. The king declared that he would pay } Gyula with the most valuable thing in his kingdom. Gyula said, "I } am deeply honoured your majesty. Will it be diamonds? Emeralds?" } "Feh," said the king (Hungarians say "Feh" a *lot*), "Feh. } Diamonds. No, I want to pay you with something truly rare and } exceptionally valuable. Do not try to talk me out of it - you must } have the most valuable thing in my kingdom." } } And so Gyula left for home the next day, with his donkey, and his } cart, and a load of yellow pears. } } You owe the oracle a glass of milk and some cookies. Csokolate Csip.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great Oracle, the epitome of omniscience, > > What would make a greater mess --  A bottle of beer or a can of pop if > both are shaken hard for a minute each and then dropped from the roof > of a 25-storey building? > > Just wondering.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Interesting problem. Let's find out. } } [The Oracle steps away from his terminal and out onto the roof of the } University's Computer Science (and top secret Oracle Labs) Building.] } } Oracle (looking down): Hmm... 25 stories, you say? } } [With a subtle gesture, the Oracle gives life to the building, which } suddenly sprouts into the air, growing to a 25-story height. A bottle } of Coke appears in his left hand, and  Miller Genuine Draft Long-Neck } in his right. He shakes both vigorously.] } } Oracle: Now let's see. } } [He drops both bottles unceremoniously from the edge. } The bottles fall...24...23...22... } Suddenly, a hawk-eyed freshman walking around on campus looks up and } spots the beer. Letting out a yell, he runs for the building. At the } sound, several other freshmen see what is going on, and head for the } building as well. Soon there is a teeming throng of students under the } falling beer bottle, each trying to claw his way to the top of the } pile. The beer hits the poor sod on top, crushing his skull but somehow } remaining unbroken. Another student pulls it from his dead schoolmate's } head and starts to make off with it, but is stabbed in the side by } another student's Swiss army knife. War ensues, leaving fourteen dead, } seven wounded. Meanwhile, the Coke has hit the ground and broken } unnoticed.] } } Well, I think that clears it up. The beer left _quite_ a mess. } } You owe the Oracle a football helmet and a pair of beer goggles.