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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, > > Since you are at an .edu address, I assume that you had spring > break some time recently.  So, what did you do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} AVISO: !El prisionero T. Usenet Oracle no se permite recibir } correo electronico! Usted puede escribirlo a la dirrecion: } }               T. Oracle }               Prisionero no. 42 }               Carcel Municipal de Cancun }               Cancun, Mexico } } Para su informacion, Sr. Oracle esta acusado de los crimenes } siguientes: } }       * Disturbio de la paz }       * Manejando un automovil sobre la influencia del alcohol }       * Defecacion publica en la playa }       * Solicitacion de prostitutas }       * Vomitando sobre un agente de policia }       * Indecencia publica con un burro }       * Imitaciones miserables de Cantinflas } } Usted debe al Jefe de la Policia 50,000 pesos para liberar el } Oraculo...

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Once upon a midnight dreary, while my eyes were blank and bleary, > From incessant peering, leering, staring at my terminal,-- > While I jittered from my caffiene, suddenly there came a laughing, > As of some crazed loony, halfing victims like an animal. > "'Tis myself," I muttered, "I'm becoming like an animal. >     Brain is oozing out my skull." > > I had to look for some enjoyment for a break from my employment, > Or another programmer would turn into a criminal. > As I typed my program kludgy on my monitor so smudgy, > Suddenly, I saw a budgie perched upon my terminal. > Strange, for me to see a budgie perched upon my terminal! >     Quoth the budgie, "Oracle." > > I said, "I am much too weary to compose a proper query, > And I know much better than to go submit the question null. > I would like to give an answer like a ballet needs a dancer, > But, you fiend, you know I can't, sir, when the queue is never full. > When I try an askme then that question queue is never full." >     Quoth the budgie, "Oracle." > > I replied, "You cowardly craven, stop at once your misbehavin', > Do you think you are a raven perching on my terminal? > I would rater cross savannah, eat an over-ripe banana, > Than to contact Indiana with a question terrible. > Yes, the Oracle will never take my question terrible." >     Quoth the budgie, "Oracle." > > Oracle, we know you know it.  I hate budgies.  Do I show it? > Humbly, Edgar Allen Poet.  Please reply soon, Oracle. > P.S.  I am getting pudgy eating roasted basted budgie. > Though it tastes a little sludgy, I find it is quite edible. > Would you like to try some budgie roast?  It is quite edible. >     Quoth the poet, "I am full."

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant, you are so evil - even borderline medieval, } When claiming to be so ill, you dare tempt The Oracle. } I want none of that roast "lovebird" - the mere thought is simply }   absurd, } That I would blindly take your word that that bird is not a gull. } I like parrots, in fact love them - but I bet you pawned on me a gull. }       Quoth this poet, "That is bull." } } I won't eat a bird so common - I would rather eat two strawmen. } Ask again, and I'll call lawmen before you can count to four. } I've uncovered your nasty plot.  Your wicked plans are all for naught. } Let your "parrot" rot.  ZOT ZOT ZOT!!!  Now straighten up as before. } You owe me a real lovebird, not a gull as done before. }      Poet, try that nevermore.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hi Oracle, I've got a confusing problem I hope you can help me with. > (Just a minute while I take off my shoes... There, that's better.) > You see, I grew up in a nudist colony, and I just don't understand how > people can do anything with these scratchy, uncomfortable clothes on. > (Just a minute while I take off this shirt... Ahh, much better.) > Whenever I take a test, I just can't concentrate because of the > discomfort, but the proctors won't let me get comfortable. > (Just a minute while I take off these pants... Much, much better.) > And now, all the people in the terminal room are staring at me. So > this brings me to my question: What is the matter with them?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What's wrong with them?  They're unAmerican!  Yes!  They're breaking } Constitutional law! } } The best way to end-run this problem is to demonstrate that your right } to walk around naked is guaranteed by the Bill of Rights.  [If you } were writing from England, you'd be hosed.]  May I suggest: } } FIRST AMENDMENT: Tattoo "Helms Sucks" on your chest.  Claim that being } forced to wear clothing is now a restriction of free speech. } } SECOND AMENDMENT: Claim that your schvanstucke constitutes armament, } and this is how you choose to keep and bear it. } } THIRD AMENDMENT: Claim to be married to a soldier, and you have given } your consent for her to be quartered in your house.  However, you are } homeless, so the only `house' you have is your clothing-- and she's } using it right now. } } FOURTH AMENDMENT: Batting your eyelashes, preen a little and insinuate } something about being unreasonably searched and seized.  Play it for } laughs. } } FIFTH AMENDMENT: Claim that you've already been tried on charges of } public indecency, and thus can't be tried again; besides, the use of } your own state of undress in the process of filling out the police } complaint constitutes being forced to testify against yourself. } } SIXTH AMENDMENT: Remind your persecutor of your right to a public } trial.  Putting a naked person on the witness stand of a public trial } merely exacerbates the problem they're trying to avoid. } } SEVENTH AMENDMENT: Bat eyelashes and preen as above; ask your } oppressor if it's worth twenty dollars or more, and then insist on a } jury.  [Do NOT try this if you think the question could honestly be } answered in the negative.] } } EIGHTH AMENDMENT: Demonstrate how painful it is for you to wear } clothing; claim that being forced to do so constitutes a cruel and } unusual punishment. } } NINTH AMENDMENT: Let's quote this one in full: } }   Amendment IX: The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, }   shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the }   people. } } If the eight arguments above FAIL to convince your persecutors, they } have clearly taken the stand that being naked is not guaranteed by any } of the first eight amendments.  Then you whip THIS one out, saying, } "Okay, being naked is not guaranteed by the first eight.  But I retain } the right to be naked, which you cannot deny or disparage, by the } NINTH Amendment!" } } They will be Confused.  Make good your escape. } } TENTH AMENDMENT: Another one to quote: } }   Amendment X: The powers not delegated to the United States by the }   Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the }   States respectively, or to the people. } } Defy your tormentors to find the word "Naked" in the Constitution. } } You owe the Oracle a way to STOP thinking like a $#&?!ing lawyer.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> > > > > > > >

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This poem is incredible.  I mean, I have never seen such an } in-depth evaluation into pure nothingness before.  It leaves } the reader with a sense of emptiness, and the reader can truly } feel the poet's pain. } } Technically, the poem is flawless.  There are no questionable } line breaks to confuse the reader.  There are no questionable } word choices in other to make the reader pause.  In other } words, there is nothing that leaves the reader questioning the } poem itself and the poet's method of writing the poem.  So the } poem flows from word to word, from line to line extremely } well.  This is heightened by the lack of punctuation. } } One thing that must be mentioned is the repetition.  I find it } extremely effective, since it echoes the poet's sentiments } without becoming tiresome or annoying.  In line seven, the poet } says: } } > } } which echoes a similar idea of line 2.  However, the repetition } of this idea is necessary, since the reader goes off a slight } tangent beginning in line 4, and needs to be drawn back into } the poem.  The final repetition of this idea (occurring in the } last line), helps to tie the entire poem together. } } As for the meaning of the poem, I think it's about the } essential struggle of one man in modern society and his } attitudes towards love and death.  The poet almost gives us a } sense of hopelessness and despair, but there is also an } underlying theme of hope which can be seen in line 5. } } As for things I do not like about the poem, there are very } few.  I'm wondering if line 3 is really essential to the poem. } While it is very interesting, it does not seem to fit the mood } of the rest of the poem.  Also, I would like to see a stanza } break after line 5.  The poem seems to start in a different } direction after this line, and I think it would make the poem } truly great to see it divided up into two separate thoughts, so } to speak. } } Also, I would like to see a title.  I mean, although the poem } is extremely engaging as it is, I think a title would help to } root me into the poem and give me some sense of where it is } going before I read it.  However, I am a little wary of this } point, because an inadaquate title could destroy the entire } mood of the poem. } } Very nice.  Good use of white space.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If God is all-powerful, can he create a stone so large that he cannot > lift it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is a question often brought up by people arguing against the } existence of an omnipotent God. I tried it out once. } } Oracle: Hey, God, you can do anything, right? } God:    This is true. } Oracle: Well, I bet you can't create an immovable stone. } God:    Oh yeah? How much? } Oracle: Ten pints and a packet of peanuts. } God:    You're on. <Creates an immovable stone> } Oracle: That's pretty impressive. } God:    You bet it is. } Oracle: How about a double-or-nothing bet? } God:    Sure, why not? } Oracle: I bet you can't move it over there. } God:    That's not fair! You're playing with semantics and petty logic. } Oracle: So? If you can move it, you owe me the ten pints and a packet }         of peanuts. If you can't, then I still don't owe you anything. } God:    Let me think about this one... Got it. <Disincorporates }         universe, and reconstructs it with the stone in a different }         place> You see, I can play games with logic and semantics too. } } You owe the Oracle twenty pints and two packets of peanuts.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh oracle most wise and well read, please answer me this... > > Since a cat always lands on its feet, and a piece of buttered toast > always lands buttered side down, if you strap a piece of buttered toast > to the back of a cat (buttered side up), which side will it land on?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh supplicant most wise-cracker: } Never fool with Murphy, for He supersedes Nature, even in Her Infinite } Wisdom. } } Verily, the strap shall break on the way down.  And the piece of toast } shall proceed to fall faster than the cat (DON'T give me that jive } about Gallileo, this is higher stuff!) and shall indeed land on the } expensive carpet buttered side down.  The cat will fall on its feet, } directly on the piece of toast, thus grinding it well into the fabric } of the carpet (which you could've sworn you remembered to roll away } before the experiment!). } } In your desparate attempts to clean up the $2,000 rug, the vacuum will } suddenly reverse action and spew out all of the dirt which has } accumulated in it over the last few months (and just yesterday you were } going to replace the bag, dammit!).  So you call up the salesman, only } to discover that the warranty has expired yesterday.  You try to fix it } yourself, and of course the moment you have taken the fine machinery } apart is when the screwdriver drops out of your hand onto your big toe. }  You jump and cry out in agony, scattering the tiny screws and nuts } into the least-accessible corners of the workshop, except for the } largest one which is eaten by the cat.  The spare screwdriver was lent } to your neighbour last week, and he has just left for a month's } vacation in the Bahamas. } } Ergo: Ask not which side things land on: this side or that side, Nature } and Murphy are never on *your* side. } } You owe the Oracle $2.50 for the toast, $75 for the vet, $100 for } medical expenses (wounded toe), $200 for the carpet cleaners, and $200 } for a new vacuum cleaner.  You owe Murphy an apology.  You owe Nature } your existence.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O frabjous Oracle, calloo callay, whose gyres and gimbals never wabe, > please enlighten me, your pathetic useless supplicant: > > How is it that I'm moderately popular and have an active social life, > when I was a Computer Science major in college?  From what I > understand, I am an anomaly.  I'm supposed to be spending my time in a > dimly lit lab playing XTrek and drinking Jolt, am I not? > > PS. I am female; please refrain from penis jokes.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You didn't mention my more vorpal qualities. } } O pathetic worthless supplicant, you are indeed supposed to be in a } dimly lit lab, playing XTrek and drinking Jolt.  For what is our } educational system for?  To educate?  NO!  It's a mouse race designed } to prepare you for the rat race!  (College is time trials.)  The } curricula are specifically designed to help you fit into the grand } pattern of modern life. } } It seems that you failed to meet the expectations of society, your } parents, various civic leaders, and most Deadheads by actually } learning something.  The only cure is to continue your education } until the system grinds your free will and joie de vivre into a fine } powder. } } You might choose from the following areas of underachievement.  I } have included (for your benefit) a synopsis of what is expected of } you. } } Computer Science: } }    College    Spend most of your time in a dimly lit lab, playing }               XTrek and drinking Jolt.  Interact only with other }               CS majors, and only via the 'net if you can manage }               it.  Become passionately involved only in the }               continuing IBeM/Commode-ore/Suckintosh debate. } }    Real Life  Spend most of your time in a dimly lit office, }               playing Flight Simulator and drinking gourmet }               coffee...at least five cups an hour.  Interact only }               with your own project team, and then only via }               e-mail.  Become passionately involved in the }               continuing debate over who pays when the schedule }               slips, which wasn't your fault because you told them }               to take DOOM-playing into account from the beginning. } } Psychology: } }    College    Spend most of your time in a dimly-lit lab, playing }               with rats and other vermin.  Drink Jolt by the }               six-pack to stay up all night with the rodents. }               Interact only with other Psychos, but only to }               analyze their behavior in non-lab situations. }               Become involved in the continuing debate over }               whether a trained rat could succeed as a comp sci }               major. } }    Real Life  Spend most of your time in an unemployment line and }               living in a cardboard box with other vermin, }               wishing you'd changed to CS instead of the rat. }               Continue to consider yourself superior to social }               work majors. } } Economics: } }    College    Spend most of your time in a brightly-lit room }               full of charts and graphs.  Learn about supply and }               demand, GNP, supply and demand, prime rates, supply }               and demand, inflation, and supply and demand. } }    Real Life  Spend most of your time in a brightly-lit government }               office with people who look just like you.  Issue }               reports you wrote in college because you're too }               lazy to write a new one.  Watch newscaster explain }               your report to unsuspecting viewers.  Listen to }               President explain that the economy sucks because }               of unemployed psychologists. } } Philosophy: } }    College    Read books by dead guys.  Debate whether a tree }               falling alone in a forest will say, "Oh, f*ck! Not }               again!"  Consider the ethical problems in the killing }               of annoying street mimes.  Get failed by prof for }               not liking correct dead guy. } }    Real Life  Spend most of your time in a dimly lit office, }               playing Flight Simulator and drinking gourmet }               coffee...at least five cups an hour.  Interact only }               with your own project team, and then only via }               e-mail.  Become passionately involved in the }               continuing debate over who pays when the schedule }               slips, which wasn't your fault because you told them }               to take DOOM-playing into account from the beginning. }               Be thankful you switched to comp sci, which pays }               better than being a dead philosopher. } } Math: } }    College    Spend your time in a cramped office, thinking about }               polydimensional shapes and arguing their properties }               with other mathematicians.  Scream when they steal }               your work.  Steal their work.  Be a social outcast. } }    Real Life  See above.  You work for the university. } } I suggest you apply immediately and start being downwardly mobile. } It's never too late to become a sponge. } } You owe the Oracle a doctorate. } } PS How many penises does it take to screw in a light bulb?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle of world fame, yea even unto those of us who are still > struggling to get some news software to work: > > The **** with it. I just can't be creatively funny. Not to-day, maybe > not again. A little background: I live in Johannesburg, South Africa. > Thirty-odd of my countrymen lost their lives a few days ago for no good > reason, and scores more were injured. By the grace of whatever deity > keeps an eye out for software engineers/systems administrators, I was > not in the wrong place at the wrong time - this time. My fellow > countrymen seem locked on a course of self-destruction, and I'm playing > the fiddle while Rome burns, so to speak. > > I guess I'm one of the lucky ones, I have a job, a modest house, and a > small car, all of which have simply put me in a higher debt bracket. I > do hope that the fact that this comes from a "co" and not an "ac" does > not mitigate against me, I do prefer eating and I'm not the academic > type. > > I know I'm not the only one in the world with problems, but I could > really use some of your famed creative humor about now. I'm sorry to be > such a wet blanket in my first suplication, but even my Monty-Python > collection isn't lightening the gloom. > > No reasonable job offer refused, my skills are still intact, even if > I'm currently suffering a complete sense-of-humor failure.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Friend, } } The Oracle cannot in good faith maintain its omnipotent persona in the } face of your plea. Instead you get a graduate student in } upstate New York who has also felt powerless and fearful and overcome } by the relentless stupidity of the powers that be and forces that are. } } I wish that I could make you laugh. As I read your supplication, } radio reports of the state of emergency that has been imposed there - } to maintain a safe voting environment!- bring tears to my eyes. } } I'm not sure what to tell you, but I do think that the smug sarcasm of } the Oracle would be counterproductive and trivial. Instead, I offer to } you what I have - a recipe for banana bread. } } You really don't need to know how to cook to do this - in fact, it's } better if you don't know, since you will feel even better when you } bake successfully if you do not usually bake. } } Ingredients: } } 3 ripe bananas, well mashed } 2 eggs, well beaten } 2 cups flour } 3/4 cup sugar } 1 teaspoon salt } 1 teaspoon baking soda } 1/2 cup chopped walnuts } } Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. (180 degrees Celsius; sorry I don't } know the other metric equivalents). Grease a loaf pan. Mix the bananas } and eggs together in a large bowl. Stir in the flour, sugar, salt, and } baking soda. Add the walnuts and stir to blend. Put the batter in the } pan and bake for 1 hour. Remove from pan to a rack to cool. } } I hope that you try this and find some satisfaction from it. If it } doesn't make you feel better, I suggest you re-query the Oracle: food } is an easier topic for comedic riffs than suffering. } } I have faith in your strength, and I am assured that your sense of } humor shall return to you. My thoughts are with you. } } (not-exactly-incarnated as Priscilla Finley, }       ba07230@bingsuns.cc.binghamton.edu)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, great and wise Oracle, good friend of "Bob" Dobbs, drinking buddy > of Cthulhu, and bridge partner of Athena:  Please answer the humble > query that I, a lowly supplicant who is unworthy of trimming your > nose hairs, ask of you: > > What treatment programs are available for those poor souls who are > Hooked on Phonics?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You asked for it, you got it: the Oracle's } 12-step do-it-yourself Usenet illiteracy program! } } 1.  Abandon your spell checker.  Delete it if you just }     can't help yourself.  If it wasn't serious enough }     of an error to catch it the first time, it's not }     serious enough to correct. } } 2.  Start making the "common" mistakes, such as agreement }     between pronouns and antecedents.  Use sentences }     such as "Someone left their umbrella here." } } 3.  Begin ending sentences with prepostions, or begin }     with conjunctions.  When you feel comfortable with this, }     try to do both in the same sentence. } } 4.  Shift moods and tenses at will. } } 5.  Shift number at will.  Lose any comprehension of the }     words "singular" and "plural" before continuing. } } 6.  Now is the time to begin losing controll of your spelling. }     Have fun and develop your personnel grammatic quirks. } } 7.  All ways incorrectly use "your", "you're" and "yore". } } 8.  Lose controll of your vowells , not in public please. }     Also. now is a good time to begin taping fingers together }     before atempting to type.  bEGIN using 2 for two, R for }     are, and etc. } } 9.  Lose controll fo "it's" and "its. } } 10. Punctuate at random } } 11. Your allmost finished - just start stabing at the keybored }     Proceded when you find the caps look key. } } 12. Y00 R NOW C0MPL3T3LEE 1LL1T3RIT!!!!  1TS S3W K00L!!!! }     PAR-T33 ON D00DZ! } } U 0 M3 10 BUX!!!!!!