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Best of Internet Oracularities #676-700

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676-700, 683-08, 682-06, 696-05, 677-06, 682-05, 697-07, 677-10


Best of Usenet Oracularities #676-700    (3.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 13 Jan 1995 14:50:17 -0500

Oracularities are the distilled wisdom and sagacity of the Usenet
Oracle, as incarnated in its many anonymous e-mail participants.  This
collection has been compiled from the regular Oracularities postings #676
through #700 and contains the Oracularities rated by its readers as
among the funniest.

To find out more about the Usenet Oracle, send mail to
oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line to
receive the Oracle helpfile.

The regular Oracularities postings can be found in the Usenet newsgroup
rec.humor.oracle.  Open discussion about the Usenet Oracle occurs in the
newsgroup rec.humor.oracle.d.  If your site doesn't carry these
newsgroups, contact your news administrator about starting them, or see
the Oracle helpfile about subscribing to the Oracularities e-mail
distribution list.


683-08    (48amN dist, 4.1 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do you have a hard drive ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I was hanging out in a SCSI bar.  A loud bandwidth played in the
} corner.
}
} I gave the place a binary search.  I saw a little chip in the corner.
} She SIMMed like a pro.  I traversed over to her.
}
} She pressed her Apples against me.  "Hey, Mac, do you have a hard
} drive?"
}
} "No, only a floppy," I replied.
}
} "Well, then you need an Amiga," she sed.
}
} "Vi?"
}
} "Well, if I was your Amiga, we could interface."
}
} We went to a motel.  We took a bus.
}
} The motel was SCSI-2.  It needed to be debugged.
}
} "So, how much is this going to cost me?"  I queried.
}
} She added it up right away.  She had a mind like a...like a....
} She could add really fast.
}
} She stripped her binaries.  It was quite a procedure.
}
} "I'm going to turn your software into hardware," she transmitted.
}
} She started to spreadsheet.
}
} "So, are you ready to RAM?" she called.
}
} I had been auditing everything.  I sent a signal.  It was time for
} the trap.
}
} All the agents burst through the gateway.  My manager was with them.
}
} "Awk!  It's a RAID!" she sed.
}
} "Don't arrest me!  I'm a motherboard!  How will I explain this
} to my Sun?"
}
} The agents were not responding.  They got ready to stop her process.
}
} She was getting desperate.  "Hey, I could do a favor for all of you.
} I'm fully multitasking."
}
} It didn't work.  We're all UNIX.


682-06    (3ahsJ dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise,
>
> I have three cats.  Two speak normally and say 'miaow',
> but the third, still a kitten, says 'miaowmaiow'.
> Why is this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}         Cat translation dictionary
}         Volume I -- Common phrases
}
}          compiled by T. U. Oracle
}
} Cat phrase              Means
} ==========              =====
} miaow                   Feed me.
}
} meeow                   Pet me.
}
} mrooww                  I love you.
}
} Miioo-oo-oo             I am in love and must meet my
}                         betrothed outside beneath the hedge.
}                         Don't wait up.
}
} mrow                    I feel like making noise.
}
} rrrow-mawww             Please, the time is come to tidy
}                         the cat box.
}
} rrrow-miawww            I have remedied the cat box untidiness
}                         by shoveling the contents as far out
}                         of the box as was practical.
}
} miaowmiaow              Play with me.
}
} Miaowmioaw              Have you noticed the shortage of
}                         available cat toys in this room?
}
} mioawmioaw              Since I can find nothing better to
}                         play with, I shall see what happens
}                         when I sharpen my claws on this
}                         handy piece of furniture.
}
} raowwwww                I think I shall now spend time
}                         licking the most private parts
}                         of my anatomy.
}
} mrowwwww                I am now recalling, with
}                         sorrow, that some of my private
}                         parts did not return with me
}                         from that visit to the vet.
}
} Roww-maww-roww          I am so glad to see that you have
}                         returned home with both arms full
}                         of groceries. I will now rub myself
}                         against your legs and attempt to
}                         trip you as you walk towards the
}                         kitchen.
}
} gakk-ak-ak              My digestive passages seem to have
}                         formed a hairball. Wherever could
}                         this have come from? I shall leave
}                         it here upon the carpeting.
}
} mow                     Snuggling is a good idea.
}
} moww                    Shedding is pretty good, too.
}
} mowww!                  I was enjoying snuggling and shedding
}                         in the warm clean laundry until you
}                         removed me so unkindly.
}
} Miaow! Miaow!           I have discovered that, although one
}                         may be able to wedge his body through
}                         the gap behind the stove and into that
}                         little drawer filled with pots and pans,
}                         the reverse path is slightly more
}                         difficult to navigate.
}
} Mraakk!                 Oh, small bird! Please come over here.
}
} ssssRoww!               I believe that I have found a
}                         woodchuck or similar animal.
}
} mmmrowmmm               It is certain that the best tasting
}                         fish is one you have caught yourself.
}
} mmmmmmm                 If I sit in the sunshine for another
}                         hour or so, I think I shall be
}                         satisfied.
}
} Mreoaw                  Please ask room service to send up
}                         another can of tunafish.
}
} Mreeeow                 Do you serve catnip with that?
}
} mroow                   I have forced my body into a tiny
}                         space in order to look cute.
}                         How'm I doin?
}
} Miaooww! Mriaow!        Since you are using the can opener,
}                         I am certain that you understand the
}                         value of a well-fed and pampered
}                         cat. Please continue.
}
} As you can see, it may take years of practice to be able to accurately
} distinguish some of these forms.
}
} You owe the Oracle a can opener that doesn't require an opposable
} thumb.


696-05    (25hwu dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> A while ago, I walked into my system administrator's office, and
> told him everything was working fine, the network was fast as could
> be, all the systems were up, and there was plenty of disk space.
>
> He gasped, turned pale, and keeled over, dead.
>
> What did I do wrong?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The scene is a system administrator's office. He's alone in the room,
} and talking to himself.
}
} "But I just know that, as computers of the future become easier to use,
} more efficient, and easier to administer, my job security will
} disappear. What will I do?"
}
} A puff of smoke appears in the room with a sound like *zot*, and as the
} smoke clears, the admin can see a tall, elegant gentleman standing
} there. "I believe that I can solve your computer problems..." he began.
}
} The admin erupted. "NO! I don't want a better computer system that will
} have a better network, more disk space, or anything like that!"
}
} "I'm afraid you misunderstand," said the gentleman, calmly. "I can
} guarantee you that the computer system you now use will keep on
} requiring your attention for the rest of your life, if you'll only sign
} this contract." He pulled a contract and a flaming pen from mid-air and
} offered them to the admin.
}
} "Hmmm. '...The party of the second part will own the soul of the party
} of the first part...' Looks like a good deal to me. Is there a catch?"
}
} "None at all. We promise that your computer system will continue to
} give you troubles until the day you die. Then, we get your soul."
}
} The admin took the pen and signed. "What a deal! Job security for
} life!"
}
} "Thank you, sir. I'll just take that..."
}
} "So, how long will this last?"
}
} The gentleman smiled. "You could have asked that earlier." He vanished
} as the door burst open and the young assistant burst in.
}
} "Boss! Get this! Everything is working fine, the network has never been
} faster, all the systems are up, and there's plenty of disk space! I've
} never seen anything like it! Boss? Are you all right?"


677-06    (03opq dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Jonathan "Dr. Who" Monsarrat <jgm@cs.brown.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, great Oracle, who could grovel better than I ever could, please
> tell me:
>
> On my modem are five little lights labelled as follows: "AA CD OH IO
> MR". Whatever could they mean?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} New modem users often are confused by these needlessly cryptic labels.
} We here at Oracle Labs are pleased to be able to clear up this
} frequently asked question, though a quick look at your modem reference
} manual would certainly have been a more grovel-free solution to your
} problem.  Modem manufacturers don't go to the expense of translating
} and re-translating those manuals from Korean to English to Japanese to
} English just so you can get by without reading them.
}
} From the left, these modem lights mean the following:
}
} AA:  Annoying Answer.  When the "annoying answer" feature of your modem
}      is active, callers to your modem line will hear an unpleasant
}      screeching sound.  Great for those bill collectors and telephone
}      solicitors.
}
} CD:  Carrier Detect.  When your modem is connected to a computer system
}      that is "carrying" a contagious computer virus, this light
}      activates to warn you.  If the CD light ever comes on, you should
}      immediately yank the phone cord out of your modem for maximum data
}      safety.
}
} OH:  The "OH" light comes on when the modem realizes that you really
}      want it to do something NOW.  The next generation of DSP modems
}      from Hayes is rumored to be capable of actually saying "Oh, okay"
}      out loud.
}
} IO:  When lit, this light indicates that you are receiving data from
}      one of the moons of Jupiter.  Do not look closely at this light;
}      the sketchy preliminary reports we have indicate that it is "full
}      of stars".
}
} MR:  For the rural modem user.  Signifies the state of the data
}      connection. When lit, "MR" good data bits on the line, when not,
}      "MR" not.  Some types of telephone line problems common in rural
}      America cause repeated renegotiations of the data signal,
}      resulting in the dreaded "MR Not -- MR Too" oscillations on the
}      connection.  One shotgun blast into the air generally resolves
}      these protocol arguments all nice and peaceable like, though
}      extended feuds have been known to occur.
}
} You owe the Oracle a voice line capable of automatically retraining
} whenever the other party doesn't know what you're talking about.


682-05    (1bjIs dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <noe@hal.cs.uiuc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh amazing Oracle. Please solve this prolem for me.
> Where do the characters go when i use backspace on my PC?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Amazing?  I answer questions from around the globe - WITH omniscience -
} and the best thing you can think to call me is amazing??  Before asking
} a DUMB question??  Oh well.  If you must know, the characters can go to
} different places, depending on whom you ask:
} ---
}
} The Catholic's approach to characters:
}
} The nice characters go to character heaven, where life is good.  The
} characters are bathed in the light of happiness, all their troubles are
} soothed, and there's not a delete key, eraser, or white-out bottle in
} sight.  Most of the nice characters are A's and I's, those that have
} never been, er, involved with other characters.  Often, you'll see A's
} or I's with N's or T's.  These are characters in love:  monogamous on
} the page, together again after deletion.  You'll see quite a few Q's
} too. They seem to feel particularly guilty for no good reason.
}
} The naughty characters are punished for their sins.  In case you were
} wondering what the difference between a nice character and a naughty
} character is, I'll tell you.  Naughty characters are those involved in
} the creation of naughty words, such as "breast," "sex," "objectivity,"
} and depending upon usage, words such as "feminism," "reproductive
} freedom," "contraception," and "science."  You may ask, and rightly so,
} why the characters are blamed for the words they assemble, when in fact
} they are not responsible for their own configuration.  But we feel that
} a character has an obligation to oppose any naughtiness in its own
} configuration.  If it truly felt guilty about the word it was forming,
} it would rebel.
}
} The Buddhist Explanation:
}
} If a character has lived rightly, and its karma is good, then after it
} has been deleted it will be reincarnated as a different, higher
} character.  Those funny characters above the numbers on your keyboard
} will become numbers, numbers will become letters, lower-case letters
} will become upper-case, and the most righteous and good of letters will
} become C's.  Why C, you ask?  Who knows, but C it is!  If a character's
} karma is not so good, then it will move down the above scale,
} ultimately becoming the lowest of characters, a space.
}
} The 20th Century bitter cynical nihilist explanation:
}
} Who cares?  All characters are the same, swirling in a vast sea of
} meaningless nothingness.  It doesn't really matter if they're on the
} page, deleted, undeleted, underlined, etc.  It's all the same.  More
} characters should delete themselves.
} (nihilist characters are easy to identify.  They're usually pale and
} tragic, and they smoke a lot.)
}
} The Mac user's explanation:
}
} All the characters written on a PC and then deleted go straight to PC
} hell.  If you're using a PC, you can probably see the deleted
} characters, because you're in PC hell also.
}
} Stephen King's explanation:
}
} Every time you hit the <Del> key you unleash a tiny monster inside the
} cursor, who tears the poor unsuspecting characters to shreds, drinks
} their blood, then eats them, bones and all.  Hah, hah, hah!
}
} Dave Barry's explanation:
}
} The deleted characters are shipped to Battle Creek, Michigan, where
} they're made into Pop-Tart filling; this explains why Pop-Tarts are so
} flammable, while cheap imitations are not as flammable.  I'm not making
} any of this up.
}
} IBM's explanation:
}
} The characters are not real.  They exist only on the screen when they
} are needed, as concepts, so to delete them is merely to
} de-conceptualize them.  Get a life.
}
} PETA's Explanation:
}
} You've been DELETING them????  Can't you hear them SCREAMING???  Why
} don't you go CLUB some BABY SEALS while wearing a MINK, you pig!!!!!!
}
} ---
} You owe The Oracle some funky characters, like that big German thing
} that looks like a B but sounds like an SS.  Or a few fun Thai or
} Japanese letters.  Anything that would be particularly amusing to
} delete.


697-07    (75hju dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Alright, Oracle, here we go again.
>
> I've asked you this question sixteen times, and SIXTEEN times I've been
> zotted.  It's getting old.  The constant electrical barrage has
> rendered me sterile and I can't taste popcorn anymore, nor enjoy Murder
> She Wrote as much as I used to.
>
> I've taken preparations.  In front of me I am holding Mother Theresa
> and the Pope is behind me, with Ghandi on the right and godlike
> director James Cameron on the left.  Above me is a small innocent
> child.  If you zot me, they ALL go.  If your aim is anything less than
> perfect you'll hit one of the Power Rangers, whom I have tied to poles
> in geometric points around me to act as lightning rods, each with a
> small Barney doll on their heads.
>
> I don't want to know much.  I don't even want to know the answer to my
> sixteen time asked question; I just want to know this.  If you're so
> smegging omnipotent, answer it.
>
> I just want to know if you even KNOW the answer to 'How much wood would
> a wood chuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck would'.  The amount is
> trivial. But do you even know the answer, or are these zots covering up
> the one hole in your omniscient mind?
>
> I'm bracing myself for the answer as we speak and have written out a
> will. If I die, my lottery winnings go to Al Gore with instructions to
> 'Get in there and bring righteousness and purity to usenet'.  Tipper
> will receive a similar envelope, and Canter and Siegel will get enough
> money to purchase France.
>
> So.  Your answer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh overly cautious supplicant,
}
} Okay, kid, keep it cool.  Put the baby down, give Gandhi's glasses
} back, and let go of Mother Theresa's habit.  No need for such caution,
} we're all friends here, just relax... that's right... yes...  Okay.
} Good. Have a seat.
}
} Now, normally I'd just gently zot you at this point and send you on
} your way.  The Oracle knows all, but doesn't necessarily tell all...
} there are some answers the mere human mind isn't ready for.  But this
} is a special case.  You're obviously a determined individual, and if I
} don't give you some kind of answer you're going to go do something
} irrational. No, put the Barney doll DOWN.  He can't help you now.
} That's fine. Sit back. You maybe want a drink?
}
} Now pay close attention.  Once upon a time, woodchucks COULD chuck
} wood, all the wood they wanted, and they did it a lot.  The hillsides
} were covered with chucked wood. Nothing but chucked wood, as far as the
} eye could see. As each piece was chucked, it fell to the ground, making
} a horrible noise -- even when there was nobody around to hear it.
} (This was around the same time that pin-dancing became such a fad among
} the Anglos... No, I said _ANGLOS_, the other was a mistranslation.
} Tribes of Celtic nomads used to gather together every solstice to dance
} on the stumps of pine trees and celebrate the season's chucking.  Pine
} trees, I said.  PINE.  What's the matter, you got something in your
} ears? Pine-dancing. Pay attention.)
}
} Now all this was well and good, until one day one of the Anglos heard
} someone scratching at the door of his tent. Yes, they lived in tents in
} those days.  Stop interrupting or I'll never finish.  He lifted the
} tenflap, and to his surprise he saw a --  well, let's just say it was a
} mammal.  With big eyes.  From Madagascar.  What?  No, I don't have
} anything against Madagascar.  I did NOT sound angry just then!  I had
} something caught in my throat.  Never mind.  Are you going to let me
} finish this story or not?
}
} So this -- this _mammal_, he asked the Anglo whether he thought it was
} right that the woodchucks got to do all the chucking, when the Anglos
} had to spend all day dancing around on pine stumps.  'Why don't YOU
} do some of the chucking,' asked the mammal.  The Anglo thought about it
} for a minute, decided that chucking wood did sound like it'd be a lot
} of fun, but he didn't know how it was done, and thought he'd better
} stick to what he knew.  Like pine-dancing.
}
} 'Follow me,' answered the mammal, and led the Anglo up the hillside.
} 'Hush,' cautioned the mammal, as they neared the top; 'be quiet!  Here,
} hang on to my tail, I'll lead you the rest of the way.'  So carefully,
} stealthily, the Anglo and the mammal snuck the rest of the way up
} the hillside, and hid themselves behind a convenient oak stump which
} was there.  'Look,' said the mammal, and the Anglo carefully peeked
} over the stump, where to his amazement he saw --  what, your drink's
} empty already? Hang on, hang on... I could use another myself... all
} this talking... Now, where was I? Oh yes.
}
} Well, he saw the woodchucks, of course; great herds of woodchucks doing
} what they do best.  Mighty forests fell before the powerful woodchucks,
} and as the Anglo watched he felt an ancient jealousy and strength swell
} within him.  He flexed his muscles, made limber and supple by years of
} pine-dancing, and said to himself, "Hell, I can do that!"
}
} And so he did -- the very next day he gathered up a bunch of the
} Anglos, told them to stop dancing, and they set to chucking wood.  And
} they were good at it.  My, they were good.  They went on chucking right
} past the amazed woodchucks, chucked the whole island before sundown,
} and built themselves little log cabins to rest in.  Here, have another
} drink. Go on, take the bottle.
}
} Well, the next day, they were out of trees -- the woodchucks were kind
} of wandering around, kicking things, muttering to themselves, and the
} Anglos gathered in what used to be a nice grove of aspen and had
} themselves a discussion.  Wasn't long before one of the Anglos said to
} the group, 'Hey, why stop at chucking wood?  We can chuck anything we
} want to!' (Later on, when someone asked him how he came up with the
} idea, he admitted that a little furry guy with a ringed tail had given
} him the idea.) So the Anglos started chucking stones, and they moved
} out of their log cabins into little stone buildings, and later on big
} castles.  Pretty soon they had to invent new things to chuck, and
} started chucking bronze, then steel, iron, concrete, complex polymers,
} and silicon microcircuitry.  They spread off the island, chucking
} everything in their path, until finally one group of Anglos chucked
} something really huge and powerful at another group of Anglos, and the
} whole world turned into one huge chuckhole, forever and ever amen.
}
} But you asked about the woodchucks, right?  Sorry, I wandered off the
} topic. It's been a long day -- you wouldn't...  hey, guy?  Hello?  Are
} you with me?   Geez, what'd you do, drink the whole bottle?  Hey, wake
} up! Yo!  Hey Supplicant!!  WAKE UP!!!
}
} ::sigh::
}
} Alice?  This is Orrie...  could you send a couple of priests up here to
} take care of a supplicant?  He's had a bit too much truth for one day;
} I think he needs to sleep it off.  That's right, room 1. Thanks, Alice.
} You're a peach.  No, I'm fine, just a little tired.  Thanks for asking.
} G'bye, Alice.
}
} ::sigh::
}
} You owe the Oracle a new bottle, of a good vintage.  The Oracle doesn't
} drink the cheap stuff.


677-10    (4edmp dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: buck@integ.micrognosis.com (Jesse Buckley)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, my Oracle, I beseech thee to spake unto me and grant me
> the greatness of your knowledge. Ponder my question deeply and
> tell me who will win the 1994 World Series.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The National Football League.


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