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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, so often misunderstood, tell me > > why is drinking beer so much more fun than drinking water?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm... this will take a little research. } } One glass of water consumed. } Condition:  I'm not particularly thirsty now.  I feel a bit } refreshed in fact. } } 10 glasses of water consumed. } Condition:  I feel a sensation that would, if I were mortal, } no doubt mean that I should go to the bathroom very soon. } Fortunately I am exempt from such natural laws.  I'm not the } least bit thirsty, or hungry. } } 50 glasses of water consumed. } Condition:  Hmmm... I don't think I care for any more, thank } you.  That sensation I mentioned is quite strong now.  A mortal } could not stand it.  Anyway, I think it's time to move on to } the next step. } } *ZOT* } } Excess water ZOTted from stomach. } Result:  I believe I can comfortably consume liquids again now. I'll } continue the experiment in one of your social drinking establishments } to experience beer in it's proper setting. } } One glass of beer consumed. } Result:  The taste is a tad bitter for my sensitive tastes, but } I've tasted worse.  Again, I feel a bit refreshed. } } 10 glassis of beer consumed. } Resutl: theres that feeling again.  Well, no, this is diffretn. } I still feel like i'd like to visit one of those bathroom places, } if I were a mortal of course.  Which I'm not.  Did I menshion } that I could do with a snack?  I think i'l just antiZOT some } pizza. *TOZ* Hey, theyrs a naked woman on this label!  Lisa?  Whoops. } I guess thats the UPC coade. Sorrrybout thee typing. kees must be } getting stickie. You know, your kinda cute fora mortal. } } 50 glkas fberr consmedu. } Rsutl:no crs idoan havtapee. im above that surtovthing. im the } orcl. buti don fell so good ridenow i thogt thers anohtr peac } of pziza hooateit.  whus thasmell? woddchuk?! no not thatbadd. } likamonyah.  heymy robe is wet hoo spildthebeer? yurrin? dont } be silee imin compleed conrol. heylits goean mooon sombdy. ohwate. } IM' worknig.  gota ZOTout thebere. *ZZZZOT* heyimsorie. icanfixit. } imtheorcl. *ZOOT*  YEOWCH! @#&$%&*W&oD&C&c#&K@$%#*(#  damnigottaaim } beddr. ok holdmestilfersecont ok imgonagetidnow *ZoT* } NO CARRIER

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      O great Oracle, the one who sees all and knows all, please accept >      this humble question from thy grovelling supplicant... > >      Why is Windows 95 Beta so bug-ridden it's not funny?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} THE SCENE:  A dark antechamber of the Gates estate, dimly lit by three } 20" monitors suspended from the ceiling.  In the middle of the room is } a Pentium/100Hz, sheathed in a black casing.  Three programmers dance } around the machine, chanting horribly.  Their pale, clammy complexion } is cast hideously by the light of the monitors, rendered even more } repugnant to the watchful eye bye the 60Hz flicker of the monitors. } } FIRST PROGRAMMER:  Thrice the brinded net hath mewed. } } SECOND PROGRAMMER:  Thrice, and once the Warp-pig whined. } } THIRD PROGRAMMER:  MacHarpier cries.  'Tis time, 'tis time! } } FIRST:  Round about the terminal go; }         In the poisoned upgrade throw. }         Code, which by a student done }         In minutes numbering sixty-one. }         Run-time error, protection fault, }         Crash ye first, crash ye shalt. } } ALL [as they dance around the Pentium]: }       Double, double, toil and trouble; }       Tempers burn and data bubble. } } SECOND: Fillet of a Sound Card bake, }         In the Pentium no sound make; }         Point of arrow, click of mouse, }         Scream of user, frightened spouse, }         OS/2's net use appeal, }         Steve Jobs' look and Wozniak's feel. }         For a charm of powerful trouble, }         Like a hell-broth boil and bubble. } } ALL:  Double, double, toil and trouble; }       Tempers burn and data bubble. } } THIRD: Click "Start" button, speed of slug, }        You would think you forgot the plug. }        Multitasking, ha ha ho }        If just one worked you'd be good to go. }        This should grab those straggling few }        Who aren't using DOS 6.22. }        Now we shall the Mac eclipse, }        While curse words cross our users' lips. }        Leave the errors in so we can fix }        And sell more...Windows 96! }        And so we will release the Beta }        For corruption of their data. } } ALL:  Double, double, toil and trouble; }       Users buy, our profits double. } } SECOND: Compile it with errors through, }         Since the users have no clue. } } [Enter BillGate to the other three programmers.] } } BillGate:  O, well done!  I commend your pains, }            And everyone shall share i' the gains. }            And now about the program get, }            But NEVER use it on OUR net. }            Security is scarce put in. }                               [Beeps of PONG heard in the background.] }                               [Exit BillGate.] } } SECOND WITCH:  By the usage of my UMBs }                Wicked Windows this way comes. }                Open locks, }                Whoever knocks! } } [Fade to black.] } } Remember, Obsolescence isn't an accident, it's an art form. } } You owe the Oracle a signed, handwritten manuscript of MacBeth, and a } copy of the Windows upgrade for the P6.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> alt.usenet.oracle.omnicient.beneficent.merciful > alt.profuse.grovel.praise.flatter.compliment > alt.unworthy.supplicant.bow.scrape.genuflect > alt.humble.question.beg.give.answer: > > alt.arcane.newsgroups.read.write.post > alt.stylized.writing.use.misuse.abuse > alt.futile.struggle.strive.stop.cease? > > alt.crazy.mind.going.going.gone > alt.quick.help.need.require.desire > alt.eternal.gratitude.give.give.give

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} talk.problem.simple } news.groups.alt.too.many.reading } rec.nervous.making.you } } humanities.common.in.name.of } comp.your.turn.off } soc.life.get } misc.with.beings.human.other } } sci.some.people... } } biz.you.oracle.owe.quid.ten

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me the answer to this question: > > Is Keanu Reeves really God?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No.  However, the difference is not always apparent to the uninitiated. } I shall bring you closer to understanding of both Powers by pointing } out some of the more important differences between God and Keanu } Reeves: } } 1.)  God holds the power of Life and Death.  Keanu Reeves armwrestled }      Death. (Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey) } } 2.)  God knows the fall of a sparrow.  Keanu Reeves falls from }      airplanes. (Point Break) } } 3.)  God is the essence of Buddha-nature.  Keanu Reeves is just Buddha. }      (Little Buddha) } } 4.)  God is infinitely loving and forgiving.  Keanu Reeves put a stake }      through his girlfriend's heart when she left him for Dracula. }      (Bram Stoker's Dracula) } } 5.)  God is the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost.  Keanu Reeves is }      Denzel Washington's evil brother.  (Much Ado About Nothing) } } 6.)  God saves our souls from eternal Damnation.  Keanu Reeves saves }      buses. (Speed) } } 7.)  God left His Word to offer Truth through the ages.  Keanu Reeves }      barely passed History.  (Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure) } } 8.)  God is worshipped and loved by millions.  Keanu Reeves' lover kept }      falling asleep.  (My Own Private Idaho) } } 9.)  God is all-seeing, all-knowing.  Keanu Reeves can't keep 320 }      gigabytes in his head for long without his brain blowing up. }      (Johnny Mnemonic) } } 10.) In God's eyes:  "All the world's a stage, and all the men and }      women merely players."  Keanu Reeves can't act. } } You owe the Oracle a Bible verse containing the word "Excellent!", and } a list of all major differences between the two Madonnas.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>          Dear stupendous Oracle; > >              My car is always broken and it's becoming *VERY* >          expensive and *VERY* frustrating.  It seems that every time I >          hit the breaks, it breaks.  If they have a pedal on the floor >          that breaks the car, why don't they have one that fixes it? > >          PS: Also, there is a button on the dash called "lighter", and >          I keep pushing it but don't seem to be loosing any weight. >          Why not?  And putting the shifter in "overdrive" won't let me >          drive over the slow car in front of me.  How come?  [Ring >          .... ring]  Excuse me, I have a phone call. > >          [The supplicant steps away from his computer for a moment] > >          Sorry, I am changing my question to ... > >                           "How do I drive my mother?" > >          Please hurry with your answer.  My sister just called and >          said I have to drive my mother to the hospital.  I know how >          to drive my car, but not how to drive my mother. > >          Can I sit on her without hurting her? > >          How fast can she go? > >          Where do I put the gas? > >          Is she good on wet roads? > >          What if she dies enroute, how would I get her started again? > >          *PLEASE* hurry with your answer, this means life or death!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} STOP right there. Your mother is not, repeat NOT a motor vehicle. Do } not attempt to use her in that manner. If you intend to drive your } mother to the hospital, you need a three wood. } } You owe the Oracle some ideas for a Mother's Day gift.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most masterly, magnificent, and musical, I have a > theory that when Gilbert and Sullivan wrote "I am the very > model of a modern major-general", they actually had you in > mind.  Of course, G&S are long dead, so you're the only one > left who still knows. > > So, Oracle, are you the very model of a modern major-general?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I am the very model of a modern Major General } I've information vegetable, animal and mineral } I know the Kings of England and the fights astronomical } From Marathon to Waterloo and all the categorical } } I am expert in all the matters mathematical } I can solve equations both simple and quadratical } Of Pythagorean Theory the facts Queen Victoria was amuse } With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse } } I am the very model of a modern Major General } I rent my own apartment and it's full of things electronical } I own a VAX, a 486, I've even got a PDP } I've finished Myst and Doom but I am stumped by Wing Commander III } } I'm very well aquainted too with matter pornographical } I have a list of image sites, both overseas and national } So if you want to see a picture of that Anna Nicole Smith } I'll fire up my terminal and fetch for you a naughty GIF } } I'm total an anarchist, the government I'd like to wreck } Though if they were to get blown up, who'd give to me my welfare cheque } In short if you need answers to that concern your life financial } I am the very model of a modern Major General } } I know the ancient myths about RTM, Pengo and Mitnick } I hack into computers and I then perform a credit check } I scare all my non-hacker friends with tales of cracker thievery } And even though I'm spouting crap they'll listen and believe in me } } I've learned to spot a troll and I've seen flames about the way I spell } I've traced badly forged cancels and seen napalm poured on AOL? } I've laughed at all the newbies and their flailing cries of "You all }   suck!" } I've been flamed by Carasso, with an anvil I have then been struck } } I've hung around the alt.tasteless and seen war waged on rec.pets.cats } I've spent my time in talk.bizarre and used those stupid Relay Chats } In short, if you need answers that concern your things electronical } I am the very model of a modern Major General } } Well postings like MAKE.MONEY.FAST, I am now somewhat wary at, } I have been Global Killfiled by the Joel Furr Commissariat } When rosebud posts a lengthy rant 'bout Microsoft she swears is true } I know that she is just another short lived kook without a clue } } When I have learnt what progress has been made upon the Internet } When I know something more than just a smattering of netiquette } In short when I can have a world wide soapbox on which I can stand } I've got no time for other things, like beer and trips to Disneyland } } My life outside the Internet is very very sad you see } I cannot get my spots to fade, my social life's a tragedy } But still if you need answers to the questions you find quizzical } I am the very model of a modern Major General } } You owe the Oracle two tickets to the next Broadway G&S production.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Now, young man, on a scale of 1 - 100, how good is an Amiga computer? > (taking into consideration the fact that a 1 is about as good as a > ZX81)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In response to your question, we've performed a detailed series of } experiments, and here are our results: } } (1) The Doorstop Test } } The ZX81 was a clear winner early on, with it's thin sloping } corner excellent for jamming under doors and stopping them open. The } Amiga with it's much wider profile, but periously thin plastic, was } simply pushed aside by any door with mass greater than the door on a } birdcage. } } (2) The Hamburger Test } } Using the two computers as a place to temporarily store a hamburger } while our test programmer used a real machine, like a Silicon Graphics } Indy, again resulted in a clear win for the ZX81, with its wipe-clean } keyboard. The Amiga soon had huge amounts of sauce and fat stuck } between its keys, but a nice herb garden sprouted after a corrobative } experiment with an Indian takeaway. } } (3) The Old Joke Test } } Placing both computers inside glass cases with signs saying "Break } glass in case of emergency" produced a laugh rate of 0.2LU for the ZX81 } and 0.01LU for the Amiga. A control experiment using an abacus received } 0.7 on the laugh scale. Again, a ZX win, though the Amiga was } unfortunate in that we did not plan an experiment measuring involuntary } vomiting. } } (5) The Programming Test } } Having our test programmer write programs for the two machines gave a } laugh rate of 0.95LU for the ZX81 (1K RAM) and 0.99LU for the Amiga } (where 1.0 would indicate convulsions and death). The sole Amiga win in } our experiments. After continuing the experiment, and switching to the } psychotic screaming scale of measurement, the Amiga still held a } commanding lead. } } (4) The Masonic Handshake Test } } Offering the computers in handshakes to see if they struck some secret } signal gave null results in all countries in the world except for one, } The United Kingdom. In the UK, while the Amiga was still ignored, the } ZX81 resulted in much sucking of teeth, offers of three places on } QUANGOs, and a life membership of Mensa UK. A ZX win almost by default. } } (5) The Boomerang Test } } Throwing the computers into the air with a spinning motion again showed } clear ZX81 superiority, as it flew in a wide, smooth, circle, right } back to our test programmer. The Amiga flew about ten feet, and landed } in some kangaroo dung. This did result in improved growth for the } aforementioned herb garden however. } } (6) The Grovelling Test } } Offering the two computers as gifts to The Usenet Oracle as part of } pre-question grovelling resulted in } AAAAAAAIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! } } ***NO CARRIER***

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, so dogmatic, pragmatic, phlegmatic, and enigmatic, > > If you were in a car traveling at the speed of light, > would you signal before changing lanes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The problem with trying to drive at the speed of light is that you } always end up behind some 80-year-old woman going only 0.96c while } trying to see over the steering wheel of her Chrysler New Yorker with } license plates from Pinellas County, Florida...in the fast lane, no } less.  And you can try and flash your lights all you want, but at those } kind of speeds, the spectrum gets blue-shifted.  This means she thinks } it's a cop...which would be great if she'd pull over, but she just } slows down EVEN MORE. } } And I don't think I even have to mention what this elderly woman is } doing with her turn signals...yep, using one of them.  Continually. } } None of this is all that relevant to your question, the answer to which } is...of course.  I always signal before changing lanes.  The important } thing to remember is that you have to use your turn signal, because if } you stick your arm out the window at those kind of speeds, it'll get } ripped off. } } You owe the Oracle a refill of blinker-light fluid.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most wise, the sum of whose knowledge is like a vast and > endless sea, immeasurable by mortal means, this humble supplicant would > ask a boon of you.  It is a questions unworthy of your greatness, > but which has nontheless been growing on my mind. > > It is simply this:  I have noticed that, with great regularity, > people that call themselves "road crews" will go through great > effort to close off all but one lane of traffic (in both directions), > frequently spending several days placing and then removing red cones on > the highway, in order to noisily cut a 10' x 10' hole in the pavement. > This hole is then allowed to sit in peace for a few days, with the > "road crews" suddenly and mysteriously absent, after which it is > filled in, and some more red cones are put up and taken down again. > What is really going on here?  Is there some purpose, some cosmic > meaning, behind this seemingly mindless activity?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, the Oracle can shed a little light on these issues, although } I had to consult with the well-known ornithologist, Prof. Dr. } Piet Buitenbroek, for some details. } } The nesting habits of the Orange-breasted Roadcrew (Constructus } Menatworkus sp.) have baffled biologists for many years.  The animals } are known to nest in flocks, preferably on hard surfaces such as } roads and parking lots (hence their name). They mark off their } breeding grounds with orange, cone-like droppings.  The function of } these excrements is unknown, but they are likely to act as a warning } to predators.  The flock then collectively constructs a single nest, } approximately 10' x 10', one of the more remarkable examples of } collaboration in the animal world, according to Prof. Buitenbroek, } an expert in the ornithology of the Constructus family.  At times } the use of simple tools has been observed during nest construction, } but Prof. Buitenbroek deems it unlikely that such an animal would } have sufficient brain capacity to use tools intelligently, and he } ascribes the observations to chance happenings.  Apparently eggs are } then deposited in the nest.  However, here the baffling part begins, } for despite the fact that the Crews do not sit on their eggs and } actually leave the breeding grounds for weeks, no eggs have thus } far been recovered from any of these sites.  After a prolonged } absence the animals return, and meticulously close off their nest, } again using the tell-tale droppings.  Prof. Buitenbroek proclaims } as his firm conviction that eggs are only deposited at this point, } and that they are thus covered up once the nest is closed.  They then } hatch after "a long time", thinks Prof. Buitenbroek.  Clearly more } research is warranted in this area. } } Other habits of the animals observed during nestbuilding are at least } as surprising.  Strangest perhaps is the collective interruption of } nest building and turning of heads whenever a female Homo sapiens } passes the nesting site.  Prof. Buitenbroek considers this an } aggressive gesture, and he points to the low whistles emitted by the } animals at such time as evidence.  However, no actual attacks have } been reported.  Another behavior pattern of interest is the habit to } interrupt nest buidling for approximately half an hour ("Usually a } little more", ventures Prof. Buitenbroek) around noon, during which } time the animals appear to actually eat another form of excrement, } this time droppings in the shape of square packages. } } You owe the Oracle an Orange-breasted Roadcrew egg.  Sunny side up.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Did Jesus and Mary Magdalen ever... well, you know...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Play contract bridge? Of course they did -- don't you remember from } Sunday School? Mark 17:57-61 : } }        57  And in the third rubber, Jesus was in the East, and }          Mary of Magdala was in the West; and they did contend }          with Judas, who is called Iscariot, and Omar, who is }          called Sharif. And Mary said, "Lord, I will do Thy }          bidding." } }        58  And Judas spake, saying, "Let Him do His own bidding. }          And no table-talk." } }        59  And the bidding was as follows: Pass, and Pass, and }          Pass; and then Jesus spake, saying "Seven No-Trump," }          and laid down His cards. } }        60  And lo, though He had been dealt rubbish -- the hand }          of Yarborough of the Chaldees -- He now held all of the }          points, and also the ten of spades. } }        61  And Mary of Magdala knelt down, and washed His feet }          with her hair. And Judas spake in wrath, saying, }          "Hey -- no signalling!" } } You owe the Oracle a description of the Sacred Hearts Match.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle so nonamed, tell me > > is life fun?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sappy Vonnegut pseudophilosophy aside ("Everything was beautiful and } nothing hurt"-- what was the man ON when he wrote that?  They didn't } even HAVE Prozac back then; must have been Librium.  And him a WWII } veteran, no less.  Ya really want to be disgusted, read his essay } about Hunter S. Thompson.) life per se is no fun.  Let's break it down } by timeframe: } } PERIOD / EVENT  WINS            LOSES } --------------------------------------------- } Prenatal        Warm, stable    Boring as can be. } Birth           Not boring      Dramatic introduction to the }                                  concept of "pain." } Early infancy   Breast feeding  People address you like you're an idiot. } Toddlerhood     Putting things  Toilet training. }                  in mouth       Oedipal conflicts. }                                 Preschool-- introduction to physical }                                  violence, realization that in the great }                                  wolfpack of humanity, you're nowhere }                                  close to being top dog. } Childhood       Dinosaur books  School, homework, rigidly enforced }  (early)                         bedtimes, monsters under the bed }                                  your parents told you about and then }                                  claimed didn't exist. } Childhood       Fire, frogs     (Males) Deep confusion as girls }  (late)                          metamorphose into aliens.  (Females) }                                  Deep confusion as body morphs from a }                                  sexless waste of space to the epitome }                                  of skinny waif-like innocence over- }                                  eroticized by some New Yorkers with }                                  some pretty damn suspicious ideas if }                                  you ask me. } Adolescence     Masturbation    Pimples. }                                 (Males) Hurricane of lust in body of }                                  damp tissue paper.  (Females) Horrible }                                  realization that all 2.5 billion males }                                  on the planet want to spend 5.3 minutes }                                  of quality time with them and then go }                                  get a roast beef sandwich. } College         Drunkenness     Hangovers. }                 Sex             Nausea. } Marriage        Stability       Stability. } Work            Money           (Males) Ulcers.  (Females) Guilt. }                                 [N.B.: in progressive households, BOTH }                                  partners are subject to both }                                  conditions.] } Childbearing    Satisfies outre (Males) Competition with infant for }                  compulsion      affection.  (Females)  Dramatic }                                  reminder of the concept of "pain." } Raising kids    Satisfies outre Insanely boring small people around all }                  compulsion      the time } Kids leave home Parents can     Parents have forgotten HOW to operate in }                  rejoin society  society }                                 Feelings of emptiness and }                                  meaninglessness } Physical decay  Senility is     Pain, incontinence, nursing homes }                  kind of like }                  being drunk } Death                           Everything } } } You owe the Oracle a dinosaur book and a frog.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle who could re-write the Unix kernel blindfolded, > tell me: > > why are most of the directories in / three-letter contractions of > real words, say "tmp" for "temp", "dev" for "devices"?? > > I can't sleep at night worrying about it!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's because the world is slowly being taken over by creatures } known as Engineers.  You see, Engineers like to speak only in TLA's } (Three Letter Acronyms).  Many years ago, they only used their TLAs } at work, but times have changed... } } It all started when the current engineers were in school at USC in the } USA.  They didn't like to miss their favorite soap AMC, so MON thru } FRI they programmed their VHS VCR to record it on a TDK tape.  After } class, they'd stop at the ATM, enter their PIN and get cash to go buy } some BUD.  Of course they walked so they wouldn't be DWI. Then they'd } sit around for hours doing their SCI-101 homework while they listened } to bands like REM, ELO, ELP, and occasionally CCR.  All on DAT, of } course. } } They wanted jobs where they'd earn enough to support a MRS and still } have enough to pay the IRS every APR.  (Of course, ever since the ERA, } some of the engineers would become a MRS rather than supporting one.) } While working for IBM they got involved with the beginnings of the } Internet (quickly known to then as the NET).  They worked hard, } interfaced with the CPU and created the WWW which quickly spread to all } sites, both .COM and .EDU.  The GOP FTP'd from their site at .GOV the } information, but as happens when politicians get confused, the TLA } scheme got fouled up by the UN and NATO. } } The AMA and AHA both want TLAs stopped PDQ before the EPA gets } involved. } } Signed, } T.U.O. } } You owe the Oracle 16 MEG of RAM.