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Best of Internet Oracularities #726-750

Goto:
726-750, 742-07, 733-02, 747-10, 741-06, 728-06, 731-08, 740-08, 726-05, 744-03, 748-06, 749-06, 750-05


Best of Usenet Oracularities #726-750    (3.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 12 Jul 1995 13:30:12 -0500

Oracularities are the distilled wisdom and sagacity of the Usenet
Oracle, as incarnated in its many anonymous e-mail participants.  This
collection has been compiled from the regular Oracularities postings #726
through #750 and contains the Oracularities rated by its readers as
among the funniest.

To find out more about the Usenet Oracle, send mail to
oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line to
receive the Oracle helpfile.

The regular Oracularities postings can be found in the Usenet newsgroup
rec.humor.oracle.  Open discussion about the Usenet Oracle occurs in the
newsgroup rec.humor.oracle.d.  If your site doesn't carry these
newsgroups, contact your news administrator about starting them, or see
the Oracle helpfile about subscribing to the Oracularities e-mail
distribution list.


742-07    (14hrS dist, 4.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, so often misunderstood, tell me
>
> why is drinking beer so much more fun than drinking water?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm... this will take a little research.
}
} One glass of water consumed.
} Condition:  I'm not particularly thirsty now.  I feel a bit
} refreshed in fact.
}
} 10 glasses of water consumed.
} Condition:  I feel a sensation that would, if I were mortal,
} no doubt mean that I should go to the bathroom very soon.
} Fortunately I am exempt from such natural laws.  I'm not the
} least bit thirsty, or hungry.
}
} 50 glasses of water consumed.
} Condition:  Hmmm... I don't think I care for any more, thank
} you.  That sensation I mentioned is quite strong now.  A mortal
} could not stand it.  Anyway, I think it's time to move on to
} the next step.
}
} *ZOT*
}
} Excess water ZOTted from stomach.
} Result:  I believe I can comfortably consume liquids again now. I'll
} continue the experiment in one of your social drinking establishments
} to experience beer in it's proper setting.
}
} One glass of beer consumed.
} Result:  The taste is a tad bitter for my sensitive tastes, but
} I've tasted worse.  Again, I feel a bit refreshed.
}
} 10 glassis of beer consumed.
} Resutl: theres that feeling again.  Well, no, this is diffretn.
} I still feel like i'd like to visit one of those bathroom places,
} if I were a mortal of course.  Which I'm not.  Did I menshion
} that I could do with a snack?  I think i'l just antiZOT some
} pizza. *TOZ* Hey, theyrs a naked woman on this label!  Lisa?  Whoops.
} I guess thats the UPC coade. Sorrrybout thee typing. kees must be
} getting stickie. You know, your kinda cute fora mortal.
}
} 50 glkas fberr consmedu.
} Rsutl:no crs idoan havtapee. im above that surtovthing. im the
} orcl. buti don fell so good ridenow i thogt thers anohtr peac
} of pziza hooateit.  whus thasmell? woddchuk?! no not thatbadd.
} likamonyah.  heymy robe is wet hoo spildthebeer? yurrin? dont
} be silee imin compleed conrol. heylits goean mooon sombdy. ohwate.
} IM' worknig.  gota ZOTout thebere. *ZZZZOT* heyimsorie. icanfixit.
} imtheorcl. *ZOOT*  YEOWCH! @#&$%&*W&oD&C&c#&K@$%#*(#  damnigottaaim
} beddr. ok holdmestilfersecont ok imgonagetidnow *ZoT*
} NO CARRIER


733-02    (98aq* dist, 4.1 mean)
Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <greg@duke.CS.UNLV.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      O great Oracle, the one who sees all and knows all, please accept
>      this humble question from thy grovelling supplicant...
>
>      Why is Windows 95 Beta so bug-ridden it's not funny?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} THE SCENE:  A dark antechamber of the Gates estate, dimly lit by three
} 20" monitors suspended from the ceiling.  In the middle of the room is
} a Pentium/100Hz, sheathed in a black casing.  Three programmers dance
} around the machine, chanting horribly.  Their pale, clammy complexion
} is cast hideously by the light of the monitors, rendered even more
} repugnant to the watchful eye bye the 60Hz flicker of the monitors.
}
} FIRST PROGRAMMER:  Thrice the brinded net hath mewed.
}
} SECOND PROGRAMMER:  Thrice, and once the Warp-pig whined.
}
} THIRD PROGRAMMER:  MacHarpier cries.  'Tis time, 'tis time!
}
} FIRST:  Round about the terminal go;
}         In the poisoned upgrade throw.
}         Code, which by a student done
}         In minutes numbering sixty-one.
}         Run-time error, protection fault,
}         Crash ye first, crash ye shalt.
}
} ALL [as they dance around the Pentium]:
}       Double, double, toil and trouble;
}       Tempers burn and data bubble.
}
} SECOND: Fillet of a Sound Card bake,
}         In the Pentium no sound make;
}         Point of arrow, click of mouse,
}         Scream of user, frightened spouse,
}         OS/2's net use appeal,
}         Steve Jobs' look and Wozniak's feel.
}         For a charm of powerful trouble,
}         Like a hell-broth boil and bubble.
}
} ALL:  Double, double, toil and trouble;
}       Tempers burn and data bubble.
}
} THIRD: Click "Start" button, speed of slug,
}        You would think you forgot the plug.
}        Multitasking, ha ha ho
}        If just one worked you'd be good to go.
}        This should grab those straggling few
}        Who aren't using DOS 6.22.
}        Now we shall the Mac eclipse,
}        While curse words cross our users' lips.
}        Leave the errors in so we can fix
}        And sell more...Windows 96!
}        And so we will release the Beta
}        For corruption of their data.
}
} ALL:  Double, double, toil and trouble;
}       Users buy, our profits double.
}
} SECOND: Compile it with errors through,
}         Since the users have no clue.
}
} [Enter BillGate to the other three programmers.]
}
} BillGate:  O, well done!  I commend your pains,
}            And everyone shall share i' the gains.
}            And now about the program get,
}            But NEVER use it on OUR net.
}            Security is scarce put in.
}                               [Beeps of PONG heard in the background.]
}                               [Exit BillGate.]
}
} SECOND WITCH:  By the usage of my UMBs
}                Wicked Windows this way comes.
}                Open locks,
}                Whoever knocks!
}
} [Fade to black.]
}
} Remember, Obsolescence isn't an accident, it's an art form.
}
} You owe the Oracle a signed, handwritten manuscript of MacBeth, and a
} copy of the Windows upgrade for the P6.


747-10    (22idz dist, 4.1 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <IDDAVIS@vms.cis.pitt.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> alt.usenet.oracle.omnicient.beneficent.merciful
> alt.profuse.grovel.praise.flatter.compliment
> alt.unworthy.supplicant.bow.scrape.genuflect
> alt.humble.question.beg.give.answer:
>
> alt.arcane.newsgroups.read.write.post
> alt.stylized.writing.use.misuse.abuse
> alt.futile.struggle.strive.stop.cease?
>
> alt.crazy.mind.going.going.gone
> alt.quick.help.need.require.desire
> alt.eternal.gratitude.give.give.give

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} talk.problem.simple
} news.groups.alt.too.many.reading
} rec.nervous.making.you
}
} humanities.common.in.name.of
} comp.your.turn.off
} soc.life.get
} misc.with.beings.human.other
}
} sci.some.people...
}
} biz.you.oracle.owe.quid.ten


741-06    (27bDt dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <IDDAVIS@vms.cis.pitt.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me the answer to this question:
>
> Is Keanu Reeves really God?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No.  However, the difference is not always apparent to the uninitiated.
} I shall bring you closer to understanding of both Powers by pointing
} out some of the more important differences between God and Keanu
} Reeves:
}
} 1.)  God holds the power of Life and Death.  Keanu Reeves armwrestled
}      Death. (Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey)
}
} 2.)  God knows the fall of a sparrow.  Keanu Reeves falls from
}      airplanes. (Point Break)
}
} 3.)  God is the essence of Buddha-nature.  Keanu Reeves is just Buddha.
}      (Little Buddha)
}
} 4.)  God is infinitely loving and forgiving.  Keanu Reeves put a stake
}      through his girlfriend's heart when she left him for Dracula.
}      (Bram Stoker's Dracula)
}
} 5.)  God is the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost.  Keanu Reeves is
}      Denzel Washington's evil brother.  (Much Ado About Nothing)
}
} 6.)  God saves our souls from eternal Damnation.  Keanu Reeves saves
}      buses. (Speed)
}
} 7.)  God left His Word to offer Truth through the ages.  Keanu Reeves
}      barely passed History.  (Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure)
}
} 8.)  God is worshipped and loved by millions.  Keanu Reeves' lover kept
}      falling asleep.  (My Own Private Idaho)
}
} 9.)  God is all-seeing, all-knowing.  Keanu Reeves can't keep 320
}      gigabytes in his head for long without his brain blowing up.
}      (Johnny Mnemonic)
}
} 10.) In God's eyes:  "All the world's a stage, and all the men and
}      women merely players."  Keanu Reeves can't act.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Bible verse containing the word "Excellent!", and
} a list of all major differences between the two Madonnas.


728-06    (5aauy dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>          Dear stupendous Oracle;
>
>              My car is always broken and it's becoming *VERY*
>          expensive and *VERY* frustrating.  It seems that every time I
>          hit the breaks, it breaks.  If they have a pedal on the floor
>          that breaks the car, why don't they have one that fixes it?
>
>          PS: Also, there is a button on the dash called "lighter", and
>          I keep pushing it but don't seem to be loosing any weight.
>          Why not?  And putting the shifter in "overdrive" won't let me
>          drive over the slow car in front of me.  How come?  [Ring
>          .... ring]  Excuse me, I have a phone call.
>
>          [The supplicant steps away from his computer for a moment]
>
>          Sorry, I am changing my question to ...
>
>                           "How do I drive my mother?"
>
>          Please hurry with your answer.  My sister just called and
>          said I have to drive my mother to the hospital.  I know how
>          to drive my car, but not how to drive my mother.
>
>          Can I sit on her without hurting her?
>
>          How fast can she go?
>
>          Where do I put the gas?
>
>          Is she good on wet roads?
>
>          What if she dies enroute, how would I get her started again?
>
>          *PLEASE* hurry with your answer, this means life or death!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} STOP right there. Your mother is not, repeat NOT a motor vehicle. Do
} not attempt to use her in that manner. If you intend to drive your
} mother to the hospital, you need a three wood.
}
} You owe the Oracle some ideas for a Mother's Day gift.


731-08    (59gnF dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most masterly, magnificent, and musical, I have a
> theory that when Gilbert and Sullivan wrote "I am the very
> model of a modern major-general", they actually had you in
> mind.  Of course, G&S are long dead, so you're the only one
> left who still knows.
>
> So, Oracle, are you the very model of a modern major-general?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I am the very model of a modern Major General
} I've information vegetable, animal and mineral
} I know the Kings of England and the fights astronomical
} From Marathon to Waterloo and all the categorical
}
} I am expert in all the matters mathematical
} I can solve equations both simple and quadratical
} Of Pythagorean Theory the facts Queen Victoria was amuse
} With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse
}
} I am the very model of a modern Major General
} I rent my own apartment and it's full of things electronical
} I own a VAX, a 486, I've even got a PDP
} I've finished Myst and Doom but I am stumped by Wing Commander III
}
} I'm very well aquainted too with matter pornographical
} I have a list of image sites, both overseas and national
} So if you want to see a picture of that Anna Nicole Smith
} I'll fire up my terminal and fetch for you a naughty GIF
}
} I'm total an anarchist, the government I'd like to wreck
} Though if they were to get blown up, who'd give to me my welfare cheque
} In short if you need answers to that concern your life financial
} I am the very model of a modern Major General
}
} I know the ancient myths about RTM, Pengo and Mitnick
} I hack into computers and I then perform a credit check
} I scare all my non-hacker friends with tales of cracker thievery
} And even though I'm spouting crap they'll listen and believe in me
}
} I've learned to spot a troll and I've seen flames about the way I spell
} I've traced badly forged cancels and seen napalm poured on AOL?
} I've laughed at all the newbies and their flailing cries of "You all
}   suck!"
} I've been flamed by Carasso, with an anvil I have then been struck
}
} I've hung around the alt.tasteless and seen war waged on rec.pets.cats
} I've spent my time in talk.bizarre and used those stupid Relay Chats
} In short, if you need answers that concern your things electronical
} I am the very model of a modern Major General
}
} Well postings like MAKE.MONEY.FAST, I am now somewhat wary at,
} I have been Global Killfiled by the Joel Furr Commissariat
} When rosebud posts a lengthy rant 'bout Microsoft she swears is true
} I know that she is just another short lived kook without a clue
}
} When I have learnt what progress has been made upon the Internet
} When I know something more than just a smattering of netiquette
} In short when I can have a world wide soapbox on which I can stand
} I've got no time for other things, like beer and trips to Disneyland
}
} My life outside the Internet is very very sad you see
} I cannot get my spots to fade, my social life's a tragedy
} But still if you need answers to the questions you find quizzical
} I am the very model of a modern Major General
}
} You owe the Oracle two tickets to the next Broadway G&S production.


740-08    (16iBn dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (William T. Petrosky)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Now, young man, on a scale of 1 - 100, how good is an Amiga computer?
> (taking into consideration the fact that a 1 is about as good as a
> ZX81)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In response to your question, we've performed a detailed series of
} experiments, and here are our results:
}
} (1) The Doorstop Test
}
} The ZX81 was a clear winner early on, with it's thin sloping
} corner excellent for jamming under doors and stopping them open. The
} Amiga with it's much wider profile, but periously thin plastic, was
} simply pushed aside by any door with mass greater than the door on a
} birdcage.
}
} (2) The Hamburger Test
}
} Using the two computers as a place to temporarily store a hamburger
} while our test programmer used a real machine, like a Silicon Graphics
} Indy, again resulted in a clear win for the ZX81, with its wipe-clean
} keyboard. The Amiga soon had huge amounts of sauce and fat stuck
} between its keys, but a nice herb garden sprouted after a corrobative
} experiment with an Indian takeaway.
}
} (3) The Old Joke Test
}
} Placing both computers inside glass cases with signs saying "Break
} glass in case of emergency" produced a laugh rate of 0.2LU for the ZX81
} and 0.01LU for the Amiga. A control experiment using an abacus received
} 0.7 on the laugh scale. Again, a ZX win, though the Amiga was
} unfortunate in that we did not plan an experiment measuring involuntary
} vomiting.
}
} (5) The Programming Test
}
} Having our test programmer write programs for the two machines gave a
} laugh rate of 0.95LU for the ZX81 (1K RAM) and 0.99LU for the Amiga
} (where 1.0 would indicate convulsions and death). The sole Amiga win in
} our experiments. After continuing the experiment, and switching to the
} psychotic screaming scale of measurement, the Amiga still held a
} commanding lead.
}
} (4) The Masonic Handshake Test
}
} Offering the computers in handshakes to see if they struck some secret
} signal gave null results in all countries in the world except for one,
} The United Kingdom. In the UK, while the Amiga was still ignored, the
} ZX81 resulted in much sucking of teeth, offers of three places on
} QUANGOs, and a life membership of Mensa UK. A ZX win almost by default.
}
} (5) The Boomerang Test
}
} Throwing the computers into the air with a spinning motion again showed
} clear ZX81 superiority, as it flew in a wide, smooth, circle, right
} back to our test programmer. The Amiga flew about ten feet, and landed
} in some kangaroo dung. This did result in improved growth for the
} aforementioned herb garden however.
}
} (6) The Grovelling Test
}
} Offering the two computers as gifts to The Usenet Oracle as part of
} pre-question grovelling resulted in
} AAAAAAAIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
}
} ***NO CARRIER***


726-05    (3blzt dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <noe@sal.cs.uiuc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, so dogmatic, pragmatic, phlegmatic, and enigmatic,
>
> If you were in a car traveling at the speed of light,
> would you signal before changing lanes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The problem with trying to drive at the speed of light is that you
} always end up behind some 80-year-old woman going only 0.96c while
} trying to see over the steering wheel of her Chrysler New Yorker with
} license plates from Pinellas County, Florida...in the fast lane, no
} less.  And you can try and flash your lights all you want, but at those
} kind of speeds, the spectrum gets blue-shifted.  This means she thinks
} it's a cop...which would be great if she'd pull over, but she just
} slows down EVEN MORE.
}
} And I don't think I even have to mention what this elderly woman is
} doing with her turn signals...yep, using one of them.  Continually.
}
} None of this is all that relevant to your question, the answer to which
} is...of course.  I always signal before changing lanes.  The important
} thing to remember is that you have to use your turn signal, because if
} you stick your arm out the window at those kind of speeds, it'll get
} ripped off.
}
} You owe the Oracle a refill of blinker-light fluid.


744-03    (2alzo dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <greg@magic-sam.CS.UNLV.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most wise, the sum of whose knowledge is like a vast and
> endless sea, immeasurable by mortal means, this humble supplicant would
> ask a boon of you.  It is a questions unworthy of your greatness,
> but which has nontheless been growing on my mind.
>
> It is simply this:  I have noticed that, with great regularity,
> people that call themselves "road crews" will go through great
> effort to close off all but one lane of traffic (in both directions),
> frequently spending several days placing and then removing red cones on
> the highway, in order to noisily cut a 10' x 10' hole in the pavement.
> This hole is then allowed to sit in peace for a few days, with the
> "road crews" suddenly and mysteriously absent, after which it is
> filled in, and some more red cones are put up and taken down again.
> What is really going on here?  Is there some purpose, some cosmic
> meaning, behind this seemingly mindless activity?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, the Oracle can shed a little light on these issues, although
} I had to consult with the well-known ornithologist, Prof. Dr.
} Piet Buitenbroek, for some details.
}
} The nesting habits of the Orange-breasted Roadcrew (Constructus
} Menatworkus sp.) have baffled biologists for many years.  The animals
} are known to nest in flocks, preferably on hard surfaces such as
} roads and parking lots (hence their name). They mark off their
} breeding grounds with orange, cone-like droppings.  The function of
} these excrements is unknown, but they are likely to act as a warning
} to predators.  The flock then collectively constructs a single nest,
} approximately 10' x 10', one of the more remarkable examples of
} collaboration in the animal world, according to Prof. Buitenbroek,
} an expert in the ornithology of the Constructus family.  At times
} the use of simple tools has been observed during nest construction,
} but Prof. Buitenbroek deems it unlikely that such an animal would
} have sufficient brain capacity to use tools intelligently, and he
} ascribes the observations to chance happenings.  Apparently eggs are
} then deposited in the nest.  However, here the baffling part begins,
} for despite the fact that the Crews do not sit on their eggs and
} actually leave the breeding grounds for weeks, no eggs have thus
} far been recovered from any of these sites.  After a prolonged
} absence the animals return, and meticulously close off their nest,
} again using the tell-tale droppings.  Prof. Buitenbroek proclaims
} as his firm conviction that eggs are only deposited at this point,
} and that they are thus covered up once the nest is closed.  They then
} hatch after "a long time", thinks Prof. Buitenbroek.  Clearly more
} research is warranted in this area.
}
} Other habits of the animals observed during nestbuilding are at least
} as surprising.  Strangest perhaps is the collective interruption of
} nest building and turning of heads whenever a female Homo sapiens
} passes the nesting site.  Prof. Buitenbroek considers this an
} aggressive gesture, and he points to the low whistles emitted by the
} animals at such time as evidence.  However, no actual attacks have
} been reported.  Another behavior pattern of interest is the habit to
} interrupt nest buidling for approximately half an hour ("Usually a
} little more", ventures Prof. Buitenbroek) around noon, during which
} time the animals appear to actually eat another form of excrement,
} this time droppings in the shape of square packages.
}
} You owe the Oracle an Orange-breasted Roadcrew egg.  Sunny side up.


748-06    (29hoq dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@best.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Did Jesus and Mary Magdalen ever... well, you know...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Play contract bridge? Of course they did -- don't you remember from
} Sunday School? Mark 17:57-61 :
}
}        57  And in the third rubber, Jesus was in the East, and
}          Mary of Magdala was in the West; and they did contend
}          with Judas, who is called Iscariot, and Omar, who is
}          called Sharif. And Mary said, "Lord, I will do Thy
}          bidding."
}
}        58  And Judas spake, saying, "Let Him do His own bidding.
}          And no table-talk."
}
}        59  And the bidding was as follows: Pass, and Pass, and
}          Pass; and then Jesus spake, saying "Seven No-Trump,"
}          and laid down His cards.
}
}        60  And lo, though He had been dealt rubbish -- the hand
}          of Yarborough of the Chaldees -- He now held all of the
}          points, and also the ten of spades.
}
}        61  And Mary of Magdala knelt down, and washed His feet
}          with her hair. And Judas spake in wrath, saying,
}          "Hey -- no signalling!"
}
} You owe the Oracle a description of the Sacred Hearts Match.


749-06    (3bfqu dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: stenor@pcnet.com (Scott Panzer)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle so nonamed, tell me
>
> is life fun?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sappy Vonnegut pseudophilosophy aside ("Everything was beautiful and
} nothing hurt"-- what was the man ON when he wrote that?  They didn't
} even HAVE Prozac back then; must have been Librium.  And him a WWII
} veteran, no less.  Ya really want to be disgusted, read his essay
} about Hunter S. Thompson.) life per se is no fun.  Let's break it down
} by timeframe:
}
} PERIOD / EVENT  WINS            LOSES
} ---------------------------------------------
} Prenatal        Warm, stable    Boring as can be.
} Birth           Not boring      Dramatic introduction to the
}                                  concept of "pain."
} Early infancy   Breast feeding  People address you like you're an idiot.
} Toddlerhood     Putting things  Toilet training.
}                  in mouth       Oedipal conflicts.
}                                 Preschool-- introduction to physical
}                                  violence, realization that in the great
}                                  wolfpack of humanity, you're nowhere
}                                  close to being top dog.
} Childhood       Dinosaur books  School, homework, rigidly enforced
}  (early)                         bedtimes, monsters under the bed
}                                  your parents told you about and then
}                                  claimed didn't exist.
} Childhood       Fire, frogs     (Males) Deep confusion as girls
}  (late)                          metamorphose into aliens.  (Females)
}                                  Deep confusion as body morphs from a
}                                  sexless waste of space to the epitome
}                                  of skinny waif-like innocence over-
}                                  eroticized by some New Yorkers with
}                                  some pretty damn suspicious ideas if
}                                  you ask me.
} Adolescence     Masturbation    Pimples.
}                                 (Males) Hurricane of lust in body of
}                                  damp tissue paper.  (Females) Horrible
}                                  realization that all 2.5 billion males
}                                  on the planet want to spend 5.3 minutes
}                                  of quality time with them and then go
}                                  get a roast beef sandwich.
} College         Drunkenness     Hangovers.
}                 Sex             Nausea.
} Marriage        Stability       Stability.
} Work            Money           (Males) Ulcers.  (Females) Guilt.
}                                 [N.B.: in progressive households, BOTH
}                                  partners are subject to both
}                                  conditions.]
} Childbearing    Satisfies outre (Males) Competition with infant for
}                  compulsion      affection.  (Females)  Dramatic
}                                  reminder of the concept of "pain."
} Raising kids    Satisfies outre Insanely boring small people around all
}                  compulsion      the time
} Kids leave home Parents can     Parents have forgotten HOW to operate in
}                  rejoin society  society
}                                 Feelings of emptiness and
}                                  meaninglessness
} Physical decay  Senility is     Pain, incontinence, nursing homes
}                  kind of like
}                  being drunk
} Death                           Everything
}
}
} You owe the Oracle a dinosaur book and a frog.


750-05    (07qpp dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" <billm@aero.gla.ac.uk>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle who could re-write the Unix kernel blindfolded,
> tell me:
>
> why are most of the directories in / three-letter contractions of
> real words, say "tmp" for "temp", "dev" for "devices"??
>
> I can't sleep at night worrying about it!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's because the world is slowly being taken over by creatures
} known as Engineers.  You see, Engineers like to speak only in TLA's
} (Three Letter Acronyms).  Many years ago, they only used their TLAs
} at work, but times have changed...
}
} It all started when the current engineers were in school at USC in the
} USA.  They didn't like to miss their favorite soap AMC, so MON thru
} FRI they programmed their VHS VCR to record it on a TDK tape.  After
} class, they'd stop at the ATM, enter their PIN and get cash to go buy
} some BUD.  Of course they walked so they wouldn't be DWI. Then they'd
} sit around for hours doing their SCI-101 homework while they listened
} to bands like REM, ELO, ELP, and occasionally CCR.  All on DAT, of
} course.
}
} They wanted jobs where they'd earn enough to support a MRS and still
} have enough to pay the IRS every APR.  (Of course, ever since the ERA,
} some of the engineers would become a MRS rather than supporting one.)
} While working for IBM they got involved with the beginnings of the
} Internet (quickly known to then as the NET).  They worked hard,
} interfaced with the CPU and created the WWW which quickly spread to all
} sites, both .COM and .EDU.  The GOP FTP'd from their site at .GOV the
} information, but as happens when politicians get confused, the TLA
} scheme got fouled up by the UN and NATO.
}
} The AMA and AHA both want TLAs stopped PDQ before the EPA gets
} involved.
}
} Signed,
} T.U.O.
}
} You owe the Oracle 16 MEG of RAM.


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