[IO]
Internet Oracle
13 Dec 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 20:27:57 GMT

Best of Internet Oracularities #751-775

Goto:
751-775, 771-04, 775-09, 758-02, 771-06, 775-06, 754-05, 757-04, 769-02


Best of Usenet Oracularities #751-775    (4.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 27 Sep 1995 15:45:51 -0500

Oracularities are the distilled wisdom and sagacity of the Usenet
Oracle, as incarnated in its many anonymous e-mail participants.  This
collection has been compiled from the regular Oracularities postings #751
through #775 and contains the Oracularities rated by its readers as
among the funniest.

To find out more about the Usenet Oracle, send mail to
oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line to
receive the Oracle helpfile.

The regular Oracularities postings can be found in the Usenet newsgroup
rec.humor.oracle.  Open discussion about the Usenet Oracle occurs in the
newsgroup rec.humor.oracle.d.  If your site doesn't carry these
newsgroups, contact your news administrator about starting them, or see
the Oracle helpfile about subscribing to the Oracularities e-mail
distribution list.


771-04    (148qI dist, 4.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Frank J. Backitis Jr." <perkunas@cyberspy.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> win95

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} lose$95


775-09    (32hpF dist, 4.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> A friend of mine wrote this as his signature:
>
> GU d H s:- !g p(2) !au a-- w+ v(?)>! C++++ U? P? L 3 N+ E? K- W+(W--)
> M-- !V +po- Y++ 5-- j R G' tv b+++ D+ B- e* u(+) h! f+ r-- n- !y+
>
> What does it mean?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah -- you've stumbled on the Geek Code. This is a carefully constructed
} code some people put in their signatures to assure the world that, yes,
} they are total geeks.
}
} Each symbol in the code has a special meaning. In this way, the code is
} like a totem pole. The only difference is that you generally don't go
} around handing out a totem pole to everyone you meet.
}
} Here is a rough translation:
}
} GU         I live in Guam.
} d H        Dartmouth is inferior to Harvard.
} s:- !g     The Saxons (armed with shields and polearms) are fighting
}              the Geats (armed with swords).
} p(2)       Two is prime.
} !au        I don't have a gold card.
} a--        The law is an ignoramus, an a--.
} w+ v(?)>!  (The RSA encryption algorithm, in TECO)
} C++++      I can travel much faster than light.
} U? P?      I have never been to the Upper Penninsula of Michigan.
} L 3        I am a member of the L 3 Society (a group very similar in
}              goals to the L 5 Society, but much less stable).
} N+         My favorite oxidation state of nitrogen is +1.
} E?         (A subtle satire on the E! channel)
} K-         No, no, a thousand times no!
} W+(W--)    I am ambivalent about Larry Wall.
} M--        The Morse Code for M is --.
} !V         My favorite form of smoked salmon is novy.
} +po-       I may or may not be the Pope.
} Y++ 5--    Tasha Yar could kick the butts of everyone on Babylon 5.
} j R        I shot JR.
} G'         I venerate G'Quan.
} tv         I am a transvestite.
} b+++       A *big* transvestite.
} D+ B-      (Grades in French Literature and Compiler Design)
} e*         My favorite song is "Easter Parade."
} u(+) h!    Uh-huh-huh-huh! (in TECO)
} f+ r--     I may or may not be Joel Furr.
} n-         I'm just a guy who can't say n-.
} !y+        I am armed with a sword, a tire iron, and one of the giant
}              stone coins of the Yap islanders.
}
} You owe the Oracle some geeks bearing gifts.


758-02    (46gpC dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: perkunas@ix.netcom.com (Frank Backitis)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Computer Training Iz We, Inc., a Client/Server training company with
> clients ranging from the mega-corporation to the 3-person-in-the-garage
> software company, is looking for qualified Oracle instructors.
>
> If you have extensive experience using Oracle either as a DBA or
> programmer, have teaching experience, and/or have high quality training
> materials in a variety of subjects relating to Oracle, we'd love to
> hear from you.  Also, if you have the freedom to travel on occassion to
> various parts of the United States and Canada, this is a definate plus.
>
> Please email me at: jdoe@ispv.com or call John Doe at:
> (123)456-7890 ASAP.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                                       Oracle
}                                       Delphi
} John Doe
} jdoe@ispv.com
}
} Dear John:
}
}       Thank you for the opportunity of an interview with your company.
} I've enclosed a resume to give you some idea of my background and work
} experience.
}       Since I already know you wish to arrange an interview, I will
} stop by your office today, at 1:00 PM.  You already have a have a dental
} appointment scheduled at that time, but I would not be concerned.
} Your dentist will be involved in a two car collision at 12:10 PM,
} after spilling a cup of Dunkin' Donuts coffee in his lap while rushing
} back to his office.  He will suffer only minor injuries to his lower
} back and right shoulder.  His nurse will cancel your appointment at
} 12:50 PM.
}       I look forward to meeting with you, and discussing the work
} of your company in greater detail.  Better answer the phone now; it's
} an urgent call from your wife.
}                                       Sincerely,
}                                       O.
} --------------------------------------------------
}                               Oracle
}                               Delphi
}                       Phone: (111) 111-1111
}                       E-Mail: oracle@cs.indiana.edu
}
} EDUCATION
}
}       AS, BS, PhD, MMD,... from Harvard, Yale, Dartmouth, Univ. of
} Pennsylvania...
}
} WORK EXPERIENCE
}
}       _Usenet Oracle_;  beginning of Usenet to present
}
}       As Usenet Oracle, It is my responsibility to answer all questions
} put to me in an honest and forthright manner.  I interact with many
} people of varied backgrounds.  I am good with pets.
}
}       My duties include (but are not limited to) the following:
} knowing the unknown, seeing the unseen, pondering the unponderable,
} speaking the unspeakable, uncovering the covered, covering my
} feet when they're cold, printing the unprintable, writing the
} unwriteable, speling the unspelable, cleaning the uncleanable,
} "able"ing the un"able"able, "ing"ing the un"ing"able, "un"ing the
} un"un"able, quoting the unquotable, noting the unnotable, doting on
} my neice, lying on my fleece, fleecing the unfleecable, creasing the
} uncreasable, greasing the skids, thrilling the kids, policeing the
} police, balancing the books, looking the looks, walking the walk,
} talking the talk, shuckin' the jive, stayin' alive, wondering the
} unwonderable, sponging the unspongable, ZOTing the unZOTable...
}
}       I also do windows.
}
}       _Oracle at Delphi_; beginning of time to beginning of Usenet
}
}       Hercules and the Twelve Year Punishment, King Eurystheus of
} Mycenae, Sea Monster, Andromeda Chained to Rocks, Perseus, King
} Cepheus.  You know the rest.
}
} RECOGNITION
}
}       Created the Nobel Peace Prize, when Alfred asked me what he
} should do with all his money...
}
}       Completed the Declaration of Independence when Jefferson asked
} me if all men really *were* created equal...
}
}       Instituted the first cooking school when I told Yog of Ghitherg
} that the meat would taste better if he dropped it in the volcano for
} a few minutes...
}
} INTERESTS
}
}       I have a bleck belt in all martial arts, love to wind surf, and
} participate in full contact origami. (Wait, I'm sorry; wrong text file.)
}
}       I am also an expert chef.  Would you like a recipe for brazed
} woodchuck?
} --------------------------------------------------
}                                       Oracle
}                                       Delphi
} John Doe
} jdoe@ispv.com
}
} Dear John:
}
}       I am including this follow-up letter now, since I already
} know that you've decided to hire me.  I am flattered that you consider
} me partnership material, although I am a bit dissappointed that you
} will try to start me in a sales position to see if I can work well
} with people - and to save money.  Most of your employees think *you*
} are the one who has an ego problem, with the exception of that cute
} secretary you've been boffing on the week-ends.
}       Unfortunately, I must decline your generous offer.  Although
} you think the angry call you just received from your wife is another
} one of her meaningless threats, you are wrong.  She fully intends to
} seek a divorce.  In fact, she hired a private investigator to catch
} you and the secretary "flagrante delicto".  She has many compromising
} photographs.  In color.
}       Due to this sad turn of events, your company will close its
} doors in 3 months.  After the divorce proceedings, you will find
} yourself penniless and without a job.  Do not be concerned.  You will
} be subsequently hired by Borland Inc. as a new account salesman.
} You will travel the Pacific Rim market extensively.
}       Better answer the phone now; it's an urgent call from your lawyer.
}
}                                       Sincerely,
}                                       O.


771-06    (35eoB dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Frank J. Backitis Jr." <perkunas@cyberspy.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh masterful Oracle, knower of all that is to be known, I have a
> question to ask which may very well affect my future and my
> lifespan.  Should I go to a... friend's birthday party or ask
> this girl I know on a date?  I'd rather go on a date, but maybe
> I'm obligated to, well, you know...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       ...To what?  Tap-dance?  Refinish a table?  Make a contribution
} to the Republican Party?  You must be specific.  Give examples.  Show
} your work.
}
}       Well, let me see if I can't help you with a general-purpose quiz
} I've developed for similar situations.  It should help you determine
} whether or not you should ask your female friend for a date.
}
}       Please answer the following questions honestly:
}
} ----------------
} 1:    Please rate your geekiness level:
}
}       A)  What's a geek?
}       B)  I can load and run Windows.
}       C)  GAT C++ d- UL++++$ P+ 3- !n po+(--) D+ s-:+ a- p? u**
}
} 2:    Please rate your degree of physical attractiveness:
}
}       A)  Fabio has tried to have me asassinated.
}       B)  I'm pretty reasonable.
}       C)  I make Tom Petty look like a Greek God.
}
} 3:    Please rate your intelligence:
}
}       A)  I understand the proof to Fermat's Last Theorem.
}       B)  I can usually balance my checkbook.
}       C)  "Potatoe."
}
} 4:    Please indicate your level of cultural development:
}
}       A)  "Hello.  Welcome to Masterpiece Theatre.  I'm Alistair
}           Cooke..."
}       B)  "Space:  The final frontier..."
}       C)  "ARE YOU LISTENING, HULK HOGAN?  I WILL DESTORY YOU NEXT
}           WEEK..."
}
} 5:    Please indicate your culinary preference:
}
}       A)  Chateaubriand medium-rare with a subtly spiced mushroom sauce
}           and a 1966 Merlot.
}       B)  Lemon-herb chicken with rice pilaf and a glass of mineral
}           water.
}       C)  Cheetos and Coors.
}
} 6:    Please indicate your general class of profession:
}
}       A)  "Yes, Mr. Yakamura, we would be delighted to close the deal
}           Monday next..."
}       B)  "Jim, can you fire up the logic analyzer?  The damn debugger
}           is causing more problems than it's solving..."
}       C)  "We're just as interested as you are, your Honor, in seeing
}           this case go to the jury by Labor Day..."
}
} 7:    Please indicate the class of clothing you most commonly wear:
}
}       A)  Armani
}       B)  Calvin Klein
}       C)  Garanimals
}
} 8:    Select the spiritual framework to which you most closely align
}       yourself:
}
}       A)  A synthesis of the Koran, Torah, Bible, Tao Te Ching, and my
}           own personal experiences in this life.
}       B)  The Bible.
}       C)  Dianetics.
} ----------------
}
}       Now, score each answer as follows:
}
}       A) 256 points
}       B) PI points
}       C) -(i^2) points
}
}       Multiply the score of each answer by the square root of its
} ordinal number.
}
}       Now, take all the answers whose ordinal number is even but not
} evenly divisible by three and add them together to get an X-axis value.
} Take all the answers whose ordinal number is evenly divisible by
} three but not by two and add them together to yield a Y-axis value.
} For all other answers, discard the results; they were red-herrings.
}
}                 ^________________________________________
}           9.001 |       |                 /|             |
}                 |       | Write questions/ |             |
}                 | Visit | to The Oracle /  |             |
}             F   |Parents|        /\    /   | Libertarian |
}                 |       |       /o \--* S  |             |
}             u   |       |------/o   \   l  _--_          |
}                 |-------+      \   o/\  e '    `         |
}             r   |   \_          \ o/  \ e( Date )        |
}                 |     \_ Attend  \/ o  \p "-__-"         |
}             l   |       \_ party  \  o /   |             |
}                 | Watch   \_       \  /----+-------------|
}             o   | TV all    \ __    \/                   |
}                 |  day       ]  ---__|    Play Doom      |
}             n   |____________|       +___________________|
}                 |          \  Drink  |______             |
}             g   | rn        \heavily_|      |            |
}                 | alt.       \     /        | Oaklahoma  |
}             s   | binaries.   >---<   Do    |            |
}                 | pictures.  /     \__ your +------------|
}               9 | erotica   /  lint   \ laundry          |
}               +----------------------------------------->
}                 -3                              6.02*10^23
}                            F o r t n i g h t s
}
}       Finally, print the above chart out on a piece of paper.
} Using the X- and Y-axis values you computed earlier, find the
} corresponding location on the chart and mark it.  Then throw it away
} and try not to think about it.  You'll be glad you did.
}
}       You owe The Oracle a recursive DIR listing of your entire
} hard drive.


775-06    (84clH dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Panzer <stenor@pcnet.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great oracle,
>
> what do you do with a supplicant who leaves his .sig at
> the end of his questions?
> --
> --

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} WHAT R U TALK1N' ABOUT MAN?  SIGZ ROOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
}
} LATER MAN.
}
} BIFF.
}
} --
}     BBBBBBBBBBBBB          IIIIIIIII            FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
}     BBBBBBBBBBBBBB         IIIIIIIII           FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
}      BBB        BBB           III             FFF         FFF
}       BBB        BBB          III            FFF         FFF
}        BBB        BBB         III           FFF         FFF
}         BBBBBBBBBBBBB         III          FFFFFFFFF   FFFFFFFFF
}          BBBBBBBBBBBBBB       III         FFFFFFFFF   FFFFFFFFF
}           BBB        BBB      III        FFF         FFF
}            BBB        BBB     III       FFF         FFF
}             BBB        BBB    III      FFF         FFF
}              BBBBBBBBBBBBB IIIIIIIII  FFF         FFF
} BIFF@BIT.NET  BBBBBBBBBBBB IIIIIIIII FFF         FFF  BIFF@PSUVM.PSU.EDU
} BIFF@BIFFVM.BIT.NET                                 BIFF+@ANDREW.CMU.EDU
}   B1FF@AOL.COM  B1FF@DELPHI.COM  B1FF@PRODIGY.COM  B1FF@COMU$ERVE.COM
}          B1FF@NETCOM.COM  B1FF@WORLD.STD.COM  B1FF@MCS.COM
}            B1FF@B1FFNET.FIDONET.ORG  B1FF@WELL.SF.CA.US
}              B1FF@ATHENA.MIT.EDU  B1FF@CYBER.SELL.COM
}                             BIFF@MSN.COM
}
}   MY SIG         /^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^\          WAITING
}  CAN BEAT        !@@@@@@NUKULAR@@@@@@@@!                 4
}   UP YOUR       -------------------------            ARMAGEDIN
}    SIG           !@@@@@@@@BIFF@@@@@@@@@!          IT"LL B
}    !!!           \--------!   !--------/            AWESOME!!!!
}                           !   !
}                         ---------         THIS SPACE 4 RENT CALL BIFF
}      /\\\                 !   !               HA HA FOOLED YOU!!!
}       |||                /     \
}       /-\
}  /----/-\------------------------------------------------------------\
} | BIFF|@|AOL.DELPHI.PRODIGY.COMPU$ERVE.NETCOM.WORLD.MSN.B1FF.EDU DUDE!>
}  \----\-/------------------------------------------------------------/
}       \-/
}       |-|     BANG THE FALSE METAL HEAD THAT DUZZN"T DRINK BEER!!!
}      \///          HOT METAL TUBS RULE IN A MAJOR WAY DUDEZ!!!
}
}   __________      __________       ___________     ___________        __
}  /         /\    /         /|     /          /|   /          /|      / /
} /         /  \  /         //     /          //   /          //      / /|
} **********   /  **********/      ***********/    ***********/       ** |
} **  |____** /       **           **  |______     **  |______        ** |
} ** /      **        **           **  /     /|    **  /     /|       ** |
} **/      **/ \      **           ** /     //     ** /     //        ** |
} **********/  /      **           *********/      *********/         ** /
} **  |____** //    __**______     **  |           **  |              **/
} ** /      **/    /  **     /|    **  |           **  |              / /|
} **/      **/    /   **    //     ** /            ** /               ** /
} **********/     **********/      **/             **/                **/
}
} BIFF@BIT.NET BIFF@PSUVM.PSU.EDU BIFF@BIFFVM.BIT.NET BIFF+@ANDREW.CMU.EDU
}   B1FF@AOL.COM  B1FF@DELPHI.COM  B1FF@PRODIGY.COM  B1FF@COMU$ERVE.COM
}          B1FF@NETCOM.COM  B1FF@WORLD.STD.COM  B1FF@MCS.COM
}            B1FF@B1FFNET.FIDONET.ORG  B1FF@WELL.SF.CA.US
}              B1FF@ATHENA.MIT.EDU  B1FF@CYBER.SELL.COM
}                           BIFF@MSN.COM
}
}                     K0M1NG S00N T0 THEATREZ NEER U!!!!!!
}      _______ _______*_______ _______   _______  _______   _______ __  __
}  +. /____  //______//______//______/  /______/ /____  /  /______//_/ /_/
} `  _____/ /   __    _____ . _____   ,   __    _____/ /  ______  ____
} , / ___ _/.  / / . / ___/ '/ ___/  +.  / /   / _  __/  /  ___/ /   /
}  / /__/ | __/ /__ / / . , / /   ,  .  / /   / / \ \   /  /___ / /\ \
} /______/ /______//_/ * + /_/   *, ` ,/_/   /_/   \_\ /______//_/  \_\
}
}              FEETUR1NG THE GRATE B1FF1NSK1 AS C4PTA1N B1FF!!!!!!
}
}                    B1FF 4RUOND TH4 W3RLD!!!!!
}                                   .
}                               _--_|\
}                     P3RTH--> /      \<--SIND3Y
}                              \_.--._/
}                                    v<---B1FFSM4NIA!!!!!!!
}
}                ___                          (_)
}              _/XXX\
}             /XXXXXX\_ <-- MT. B1FF1NGT0N                 __
} __    __   /X XXXX XX\     MT. K1BO (SHORT3R    _       /XX\__      ___
}   \__/  \_/__       \ \    TH4N B1FF'Z) ----> _/X\__   /XX XXX\____/XXX\
} \  ___   \/  \_      \ \               __   _/      \_/  _/  -   __  -
} __/   \__/   \ \__     \\__           /  \_//  _ _ \  \     __  /  \____
}  __    \  /     \ \_   _//_\___     _/    //           \___/  \/     __/
} /_______\________\__\_/________\_ _/_____/_____________/_______\____/___
}                                    /|\
}                                   / | \       _____ ____
}                                  /  |  \      \    V   /
}     THE RO4D T0 B1FFN3SS!!!!    /   |   \      | R00T  |
}                                /    |    \     |  666  |     +---------+
}     ALL MUST TR4V3L 1T        /     |     \    \___ ___/     | B1FF    |
}                              /      |      \       V         | R00LZ!! |
}     SUMD4Y!!!!!!!!          /       |       \      |       o +---------+
}                            /        |        \     |      o
}                           /         |         \    |   |\__/|  .~    ~.
}                          /          |          \   |   /o=o'`./      .'
}                         /           |              |  {o__,   \    {
}                        /            |                   / .  . )    \
}                       /             |                   `-` '-' \    }
}                                     |                  .(   _(   )_.'
}                                     |                 '---.~_ _ _|


754-05    (45pvy dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Welcome to McDonalds.  May I take your order?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, I'd like a serving person that isn't obsequious and fawning, a
} burger that doesn't contain 17 grams of fat, a thick shake I can drink
} without sucking hard to enough to make my ears bleed, an apple pie that
} does not contain lava, some chicken nuggets that are made from chicken,
} a quarter pounder that weighs a quarter of a pound, and a large coke
} that has more coke than ice.  No, I don't want fries with that, I want
} _chips_, and no I don't want to have a nice day wished upon me by
} someone that has no concern about the kind of day I'm having.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Pizza.  Or some Fried Chicken.


757-04    (25kup dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (Bill)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise Oracle, whose technical expertise is outshadowed by
> no other's, I need to get a new monitor for my PC, and I'm
> trying to decide which kind to get.  There are two different
> sizes available:  17" and 21".  I've heard that 21" screens
> are less ergonomic, and tend to give the user eyestrain.  Is
> this true?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Many references in historical literature prove that larger monitors are
} better than smaller ones:
}
} Little Red Riding Hood: "Why, Grandmother, what big keys you have!"
} Grandmother: "The better to type with, my dear!"
} Little Red Riding Hood: "And Grandmother, what a big monitor you have!"
} Grandmother: "The better to see with, my dear!"
}
} Evil Queen: "Monitor, monitor on the wall, which is the fairest screen
}              of all?"
} Monitor: "Multisyncarella is the sharpest, and diagonally she
}           is the largest."
} Evil Queen: "Curses!"
} Monitor: "Yes, and cursors show up larger, too."
}
} Father bear: "Someone has been using my 15 inch monitor!"
} Mother bear: "Someone has been using my 17 inch monitor!"
} Baby bear: "Someone has been using my 21 inch monitor, and she's still
}             here!"
} Goldilocks: "Wow! Doom really kicks on this screen!"
}
} Big Bad Wolf: "I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll blow your screen
} down!" [Wolf blows down pig's 15" monitor; pig buys a 17" monitor.]
} Big Bad Wolf: "I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll blow your screen
} down!" [Wolf blows down pig's 17" monitor; pig buys a 21" monitor.]
} Big Bad Wolf: "I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll blow your screen
} down!" [Wolf blows but has no effect; pigs rejoice in their choice of a
} 21" monitor, and celebrate by cooking the wolf on the massive power
} supply.]


769-02    (42jyp dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@pumpkin.tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wise and magnificent Oracle, I have been one of your
> incarnations on several occasions, and I thank you from the
> bottom of my heart for this great honor you have bestowed
> upon me.
>
> Every so often, though, I have to admit that the questions you
> assign to me as an incarnation are a little on the tough side.
> What should I do if I don't feel worthy to answer questions on
> your behalf?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    O sometime incarnation, tremble not at the prospect of the
} occasional tough question.  As a matter of fact, if that trembling
} gets much worse, you might have to resume drinking on the job.  Take
} a deep breath, unclench your fists, and pick the broken bits of your
} mouse out from between your fingers.  Now, doesn't that feel better?
}
}    You, as the Oraclular Incarnation Nominally Knowledgeable (OINK)
} don't _have_ to actually answer the poor Supplicant Who Is Needing
} Entertainment (SWINE).  As long as your response is entertaining,
} the SWINE will be getting his money's worth out of your answer.  If,
} however, you want to go that extra furlong, you may try a number of
} Dissembling Techniques.
}    (1)   Answer in parables.  It doesn't have to make sense; it has
}           now become the SWINE's job to figure it out.
}    (2)   Give the SWINE a Top Ten List.  The priesthood eat that
}           stuff up; you'll make the Oracularities
}    (3)   Blame Bill Gates or Microsoft(tm).  Hell, everybody else does.
}    (4)   Blame Steve Kinzler (tm).  See DT number(2).
}    (5)   Answer in a foreign language.  Morse code, pig latin,
}           COBOL, C++, seem to be the current favorites.
}    (6)       Limericks, haiku:
}          Bewildered Supplicant thinks
}             He has seen wisdom
}    (7)   Let Lisa answer and claim T.U.O. is the victim of an
}           esoteric (yet lurid) sex fantasy.  The priesthood will pass
}           it among themselves but keep it out of the Oracularities
}           since this is a family newsgroup.  The likelihood of the
}           SWINE being delighted with your answer is very high; this
}           is, after all, cheaper than 1-900 phone calls.
}    (8)   Just <ZOT!> the poor bastard on some technicality.  It's
}           not too sportsmanlike, you being temporarily omniscient,
}           and all, but the casual readers like the violence, and
}           hey, we've all <ZOT!>ed our way out of the occasional
}           tight spot.  In fact it feels pretty good; and it has been
}           awhile since I've.... hmmmm.
}    (9)   Lie.
}   (10)   Parody (shudder) popular culture.  Ren and Stimpy, Three
}           Stooges, Beavis and Butthead, any beer commercials.  Do
}           observe that none of them could answer ANY question, but
}           are entertaining, and stand a pretty shot at satisfying
}           the SWINE (particularly if the SWINE was oneof those
}           who stood in line to buy WIN95 at midnight theday it
}           was released because the television TOLD him to.)
}   (11)   .... and in closing, erstwile OINK,
}               What is the sound of an evasive koan?
}
}                                                       <N>


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org