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Best of Internet Oracularities #826-850

Goto:
826-850, 840-05, 834-10, 833-06, 847-10, 846-04, 847-05


Best of Internet Oracularities #826-850    (4.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 2 Sep 1996 18:21:02 -0500 (EST)

Oracularities are the distilled wisdom and sagacity of the Internet
Oracle, as incarnated in its many anonymous e-mail participants.  This
collection has been compiled from the regular Oracularities postings #826
through #850 and contains the Oracularities rated by its readers
as among the funniest.

To find out more about the Internet Oracle, send mail to
oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line to receive
the Oracle helpfile.

The regular Oracularities postings can be found in the Usenet newsgroup
rec.humor.oracle.  Open discussion about the Internet Oracle occurs in
the newsgroup rec.humor.oracle.d.  If your site doesn't carry these
newsgroups, contact your news administrator about starting them, or
see the Oracle helpfile about subscribing to the Oracularities e-mail
distribution list.


840-05    (54bo* dist, 4.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Backitis, Frank J. Jr." <perkunas@cyberspy.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> programs/spam/questionspam> qspam
>
> /---\ |   | ----- /---- ----- ----- /---\ |   |
> |   | |   | |     |       |     |   |   | |\  |
> |   | |   | ----- \---\   |     |   |   | | \ |
> |  \| |   | |         |   |     |   |   | |  \|
> \---\ \---/ ----- ----/   |   ----- \---/ |   |
>
>  **** ****   ***  *   *
> *     *   * *   * ** **
>  ***  ****  ***** * * *
>     * *     *   * *   *
> ****  *     *   * *   *
>
> v1.0
> (c)1996 Hormelized Technologies
>
>
> Target of spam:  The Internet Oracle <oracle@cs.indiana.edu>
>
> Are you sure that you wish this person to recieve spam (y/n):  y
>
> WARNING:  You are spamming an omniscient, omnipotent being.  Do you wish
> to continue (y/n):  y
>
> Reading spam files.................................DONE
> Reading question building algorithms....................................
> .............................................................DONE
> Building questions......................................................
> ........................DONE
> Initializing SpamMailer(tm)............DONE
>
> There are five seconds left before the spam will be sent.  You may press
> ^C during these seconds to cancel.
>
> 5.....4.....3.....2.....1.....0
>
> Beginning spam now.
>
> Who?  What?  Where?  When?  Why?  How?  How much?  How little?
> Why not?  Who else?  So?  Who cares?  Why would they?  Why wouldn't
> they?  What is the meaning of life?  Do you know?  How come?  What do
> you mean?  Why do you say that?  Why would they say that?  Why would I
> say that?  Why wouldn't you?  Why can't anyone?  Can you?  Would you?
> Would you eat green eggs and ham?  Why me?  Why anyone?  What did
> they say?  How could you?  How could anyone?  How would anyone?
> Could there be?  Should I say so?  Which is better?  What is best?
> Is that so?  Where were you?  Who were you?  What are you?  When can
> you?  Can you get there?  Can you get here?  When can you get there?
> When can you get here?  What's the answer?  What's the question?
> Please?  What is it?  How much was it?  What does it do?  Where did
> you get it?  How does it work?  Why can't I have it?  Why are you
> giving it to me?  Why aren't you giving it to me?  What reason could
> there be?  Do we need a reason?  Do I need a reason?  Do I need one?
> What do I need?  What might I need?  What would I need?  What would
> I want?  What might I want?  Can I afford it?  Can I afford to?
> Can they afford to?  What can I afford?  Can they do that?  Who would
> let them?  Why would they let them?  Could they let them?  Why won't
> they let me?  Can they let me?  Why am I?  How are you?  Who is he?
> Why is he?  How is he?  Where is she?  Why doesn't she?  Do you
> like it?  Do they like it?  Would they like it?  Why don't I like it?
> Might anyone like it?  Could anyone not like it?  What's for dinner?
> Why can't I have something different?  Why do I have to finish it?
> Why can't I have dessert?  Can I have the steak?  Can I have it
> medium rare?  Can I go there?  Can you go there?  Can I take you?
> Can you take me?  Can we carpool?  Why can't we carpool?  Why won't
> you carpool?  How can you carpool?  Why do you put up with this?
> Who else puts up with this?  How can you put up with this?  Why don't
> you put up with it?  Why can't you put up with it?  Are you sick?
> Am I sick?  Is it contagious?  Is it serious?  Are you serious?
> Was he really joking?  Do you think I'm joking?  Is it any good?
> It it really that good?  Can it be that bad?  Why is it good?
> Why isn't it good?  Would you buy one?  Why would you buy one?
> Why wouldn't you buy one?  Why won't you buy one?  How could I
> buy one?  Could you buy me one?  Could you buy me some?  Will I win?
> Can I win?  How can I win?  Why won't I win?  Why will I win?  Why will
> they lose?  Will I really win?  Will they really win?  Can I lose?
> How much can I lose?  By how much can I lose?  Will it matter?
> Does it matter?  Could it matter?  Do I matter?  Why does it matter?
> Why doesn't it matter?  Where do we come from?  Where do I come from?
> Where am I going?  Where are we going?  Are we going?  Are we there?
> Are we there yet?  Why aren't we there yet?  Why can't I stop?
> Why don't I stop?  Can I stop?  Could you stop me?  Can I stop you?
> Would I stop you?  Should I stop you?  Should you stop me?  Can they
> stop him?  Why doesn't he stop?  Why won't they stop?  Why do I
> do it?  Why don't I do it?  How would I do it?  How could I do it?
> How should I do it?  Might I do it?  Why could I do it?  Why should
> I do it?  Why would I do it?  How much would you pay me?  How much
> would you pay me?  How much could you pay me?  Why won't you pay me?
> Why don't you pay me?  How much could I pay them?  How much should I
> pay them?  Should I pay them?  Would anyone pay?  Would anyone say?
> Could anyone say?  Should I say?  Should they say?  Should they tell?
> Should I tell?  What should I bring for show and tell?  What's that
> smell?  What the hell?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <deep breath in>
}
} Colonel Mustard.  First degree murder.  In the billiards room.
} Eight minutes to midnight.  Greed.  With the lead piping.  500 grand.
} 10 grand.
}
} Hardly worth it for less.  Sergeant Pepper.  So what price love,
} peace and flower power now, eh?  The Samaritans.  Because they're
} a bunch of bleeding-heart lefties. In your case, because they were
} overcome by revulsion.  Subtract the universe and everything and
} you're left with six.
}
} Everything.  Omniscient.  I mean I'm bloody clever.  Because it's
} true.  Self-infatuation.  Complete lack of originality.  It's rather
} distasteful.
}
} Physically impossible for humans.  Yes.  I've already said I wouldn't -
} are you deaf as well as stupid?  Only if I wanted a dose of botulism.
} You're a born loser.  They bought Windows95.  "Why didn't we buy
} a Mac?"  I knew I'd get away with it.  Greed (see "Why?" above)
} or being born Bill Gates.  Not with the lead piping anyway - far
} too messy.  Only after the mating season is over.  Nobody'd believe
} you.  I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.  Butter.  No, it was just
} a cheap joke.  I was with Lisa all night - she'll testify to it.
} Zeus Ammon.  Superhuman.  Anytime I dam' well please.  Yes, but you
} need to change at Poughkeepsie.  I'll need to check with Lisa.  Eight
} minutes to midnight.  Preferably after you've left.  A naughty frog.
} What's green sits in the corner?  Thank you.  A Mickey Mouse watch.
} $4.99 at K-Mart.  Tell the time sporadically.  You gave it to me.
} The little hand tells the hours and the big hand tells the minutes.
} Because you just gave it to me - are you paying attention or not?
} Because it sucks.  I've changed my mind.  It's too good for you.
} One of us does.  Well done, you got it in one.  No, you need several.
} Brain cells.  A personality transplant.  The Samaritans.  A blow-up
} Gillian Anderson doll.  Gillian Anderson.  Nope.  Mmmm... still nope.
} Now what would the Samaritans want with a blow-up Gillian Anderson
} doll?  A Barbie doll.  No - Barbie dolls aren't anatomically correct
} (I've tried).  Ken and Barbie's snotty little sister Skipper.  They'll
} do anything for a fiver, that pair.  Actually, no - Barbie dolls aren't
} anatomically correct.  Even those two draw the line somewhere.  No -
} Barbie dolls aren't... ahh, forget it.  An unfortunate conjunction
} of genes.  Just dandy, thank you.  Colonel Mustard.  He bought his
} commission.  Guilty as charged.  In the bedroom.  It's her time of
} the month.  As often as possible.  Carmelite nuns as a rule don't.
} With me they would.  Because you're a very sad little man.  With me
} they might.  Perhaps if they'd been recently bobbited.  Toad in
} the hole.  Because you didn't finish it last time.  How else are
} we going to get rid of all these dam' toads?  Because I didn't make
} you any.  Oh, alright then.  You can have it well BSE'd for all I care.
} The sooner the better.  I can go anywhere I dam' well please.  If you
} drug and bind me first.  If *I* drugged and bound me first.  No.
} You don't have a car.  I don't have a car either.  This carpooling
} business is becoming something of an obsession with you, isn't it?
} I often ask myself that question.  The Pythia, the Vestal Virgins,
} John the Baptist, the Dalai Lama... you know, the usual crowd.
} You haven't asked me the woodchuck question yet.  It's a matter
} of principle.  Oh, alright then - it's really a matter of small,
} irritating furry animals that really ask for it.
}
} <GASP! pant, pant, pant - another deep breath in>
}
} Never felt better.  Decidedly.  No, it's inherited.  Deadly.  Deadly.
} Look, if you're going to start asking for second opinions then I'm
} not talking to you anymore.  I think you think you're joking, but I
} know better.  No.  You're developing a stammer.  Believe me, it can
} be worse.  Evidently, you're one of the few people on the planet not
} to have dated Lisa, if you have to ask.  No, actually that makes *me*
} feel really good.
}
} I see you've returned to the subject of Gillian Anderson dolls.
} Lisa's time of the month.  Lisa would kill me.  Put like that, I
} don't like the odds.  Mail order catalog.  Aha, so this is what you've
} been leading up to all along, is it?  One's not enough now, eh?  No,
} I told you, you're a born loser.  Read - my - lips!  Be reincarnated
} as Andre Agassi.  Because you haven't even died yet.  My god - you
} really are Andre Agassi!
}
} It's that hamstring injury playing up again.  No, I was just kidding
} - you're not really Andre Agassi.  Every time.  Easy as falling off
} a log.  Remember all those Gillian Anderson dolls I just bought you?
} Six-love, six-love, six-love.  Not in the general scheme of things.
} Not to me it doesn't.  Yes, if you had been Andre Agassi, or even Pete
} Sampras.  Aha, I see you've finally got to the root of the problem.
} Can you really picture five years of Bob Dole as president?  Can you
} really picture another five years of Bill Clinton as president?
} Primeval sludge.  You parent omitted to tell you about the birds and
} the bees then?  Nowhere fast.  Hell in a handbasket.  Sure as god made
} little green apples.  Any minute now.  No, I was kidding - sometime in
} the next three millenia.  Because of the fall of Communism.  I keep
} wondering that.  Because I haven't ZOTted you yet.  Probably not.
} Watch me.  I wouldn't advise you to try.  About as effectively as a
} hedgehog could stop a juggernaut.  Come to think of it, please try.
} Probably.  Only if they can get the gloves to fit.  He's hoping
} that if he stays in the public eye long enough he'll get a date with
} Princess Di.  The mating season isn't over yet.  Lack of judgement.
} Lack of ability.  Clumsily.  Utter and complete lack of judgement.
} Follow the instructions in my step-by-step guide, which can be
} purchased at any good bookstore for a mere $34.99.  You're gullible
} enough.  The instructions are designed to be comprehensible to a
} mildly retarded Neanderthal.  Because I told you to.  Because the
} last thing you want to do is get on my wrong side.  Pay you???
} You blackmailer - just because I haven't managed to sell one yet!
} Alright - $34.99.  I can't find my wallet.  Drat, I remember now - I
} gave it to Lisa.  Your life's savings.  $34.99.  Yes.  Past experience
} suggests not.  "It's highway robbery."  Not if I was within earshot.
} Not if I was within earshot.  Not if I... are you going deaf again?
} No - what you do with your Gillian Anderson dolls is strictly your own
} business.  You don't have to - I already know, you dirty little beggar.
} Definitely not a Gillian Anderson doll - try a selection of midwestern
} roadkill instead.  Looks like your roadkill was a bit too fresh.
}
} <WHEW! pant, pant, pant>
}
} Hah! Didn't think I had it in me, eh? Never doubt a deity, supplicant!
}
} Hang on a minute. One, two, three... I missed one! Oh yes, here it is.
} I didn't answer the "What the hell?" at the end. Ah well, you were
} anticipating the answer to that one all along anyway, weren't you?
}
}                            >> ZOT <<
}
} So now you also know how spam's made.


834-10    (67hy* dist, 4.2 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <cep@BEST.COM>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me, oh wise, magnificent, splendid, too-cool-for-words,
> always-in-thright-place-at-the-right-time Oracle:
>
> What if Data (from Star Trek Next Generation) were Microsoft Windows
> compatible?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} WORF:  Captain, there are three Romulan warships uncloaking dead ahead.
}
} PICARD:  On screen.
}
} [The main viewing screen changes to a pattern of horizontal lines, each
} only a single pixel wide.]
}
} PICARD:  Data, what's wrong here?
}
} DATA: Captain, the main viewscreen does not have sufficient video
} memory to display an image of this size.  May I suggest that you select
} a lower resolution?
}
} PICARD:  Make it so.
}
} [The screen blanks, and then an image appears, with big, blocky square
} pixels. Three objects appear in the center, which could be Romulan
} warbirds, but which actually look more like the aliens in Space
} Invaders.]
}
} PICARD:  Data, open a hailing channel to the Romulans.
}
} DATA:  Aye, sir.
}
} [Data picks up an hourglass from the floor beside him, turns it over,
} and places it on the console in front of him.  He punches some buttons
} on the console and sits motionless for several seconds.  A flash of
} light blossoms from one of the Romulan ships on the viewscreen.]
}
} WORF:  Incoming plasma torpedo, Captain!
}
} PICARD:  Shields up!
}
} DATA:  I'm sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete your
} last instruction.  I must ask you to wait until I have finished before
} you issue your next command.
}
} PICARD: What on earth do you mean?  Data, this is *important*!  I want
} those shields up *right now*.
}
} DATA:  I'm sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete your
} last instruction.  I must ask you to wait until I have finished before
} you issue your next command.
}
} LAFORGE:  Allow me, captain.  [to Data] Control-alt-delete, Data.
}
} [Data removes the hourglass from the console, and returns it to the
} floor.]
}
} DATA:  The Romulans are not responding to my hails.  Press my nose to
} cancel and return to Windows.  Pull my left ear to close this
} communications channel which is not responding.  You will lose any
} information sent by the Romulans.
}
} [LaForge pulls Data's left ear.]
}
} PICARD:  Shields...
}
} [There is a tremendous explosion.  The bridge shakes violently, and all
} the crew members are thrown to the floor.  A shower of sparks erupts
} from Wesley Crusher's station at the helm, throwing Wesley back away
} from the console.]
}
} PICARD:  Up, Data!
}
} DATA:  Aye, sir.
}
} RIKER:  All decks, damage report!
}
} WORF:  Captain, Ensign Crusher is injured.  He appears to be
} unconscious.
}
} [Data picks up the hourglass again, places it on his console, and
} punches some more buttons.  He waits a few seconds, then puts the
} hourglass back on the floor.]
}
} DATA:  Shields are now up, captain.
}
} PICARD:  And not a moment too soon.  Worf, lock all phasers on the lead
} Romulan ship.
}
} WORF:  Aye, sir.  [He punches buttons on the weapons console.]
}
} PICARD:  Mr. Data, take the helm, and prepare for evasive action.
}
} DATA:  I am sorry, sir, but I do not have the proper device driver
} installed for that console.
}
} PICARD:  Well, damn it, install the right one.
}
} DATA:  Please insert Setup Implant #1 in my right nostril.
}
} PICARD:  Number One, where do we keep Data's setup implants?
}
} RIKER:  I left them with Geordi.
}
} LAFORGE:  [in a surprised voice] What!!?  I thought you still had them!
}
} PICARD:  Data, don't you have device drivers stored in your internal
} memory?
}
} DATA:  Not found, sir.  Please insert Setup Implant #1 in my right
} nostril.
}
} PICARD:  Data, I don't *have* Setup Implant #1.
}
} DATA:  Not ready reading right nostril.  Abort, Retry, Fail?
}
} PICARD:  Abort!
}
} DATA:  Not ready reading right nostril.  Abort, Retry, Fail?
}
} PICARD:  Well, fail, then!
}
} DATA:  Current nose is no longer valid.
}
} [Data walks over to the helm, and presses several buttons.  The ship
} lurches, the images of the Romulan warships suddenly shift to one side
} of the viewscreen, and a high-pitched whining noise is heard coming
} from somewhere else in the ship.]
}
} LAFORGE:  [alarmed]  Data, what the hell are you doing?
}
} PICARD:  Number One, do we have a customer service number for Data?
}
} RIKER:  Yes sir, but last time I tried to call them, I got put on hold
} for two hours before I was able to talk to anyone.  And that person
} wasn't knowledgeable about androids of Data's model.  She specialized
} in industrial control robots.
}
} [Suddenly, the lights all go out, the viewscreen goes blank, and all
} the usual noise of fans, motors, and so on whines to a halt.  After a
} few seconds, the red emergency lights come on.  Data is standing by the
} console, absolutely motionless.]
}
} PICARD:  What's going on?
}
} LAFORGE:  [checking the helm console]  Lieutenant Data has caused a
} General Protection Violation in the warp engine core.
}
} PICARD: These androids look really sharp, but you can't really do
} anything with them.
}
} [The shimmer of the transporter effect appears, and six Romulans in
} full battle dress materialize on the bridge.  A seventh figure, a
} Ferengi, appears moments later.]
}
} FERENGI:  [with a mercenary grin] Can I interest you in a Macintosh,
} Captain?
}
} You owe the Oracle a little model of the Enterprise, with an "Intel
} Inside" sticker on it.


833-06    (78kyR dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: David R Sewell <dsewell@GAS.UUG.Arizona.EDU>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I need your help .  I'm   I need your  help.  I'm
> new to the Internet ,     new to the  Internet,
> and have never used the   and have never used the
> Oracle  before; I know     Oracle before; I know
> how easy it is  to fake   how easy it  is to fake
> e-mail messages, and I    e-mail messages, and I
> was afraid I'd get a      was afraid I'd get  a
> reply from some phony .   reply from some  phony.
>
> The recent government     The recent  government
> attempts at taking        attempts at  taking
> over the net, and         over the net, and
> control ling what we       controlling what we
> see, hear and think,      see, hear and think,
> smacks of  McCarthyism    smacks  of McCarthyism
> to me, and looks like     to me, and looks like
> a threat to free speech   a threat to free speech
> in cyberspace .           in  cyberspace.
>
> Is this true , Oracle ?   Is this  true,  Oracle?
> Will future generations   Will future generations
> say that we held  on to   say that we  held on to
> decency, but gave up      decency, but gave up
> liberty?  Or by  then     liberty?  Or  by then
> will it be too late?      will it be too late?
> Will there be n o one     Will there be  no one
> who understands  what     who understand s what
> liberty means a nymore?   liberty means  anymore?
>
> I get cross-eyed just     I get cross-eyed just
> thinking about it.        thinking about it.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear supplicant, in view    Dear supplicant, in view
} of you unfortunate eye      of you unfortunate eye
} condition, I shall also     condition, I shall also
} write stereoscopically.     write stereoscopically.
}
} I know, I know, this        I know, I know, this
} Net.indecency hysteria      Net.indecency hysteria
} we're currently having      we're currently having
} to endure is a pain in      to endure is a pain in
} the butt, isn't it?         the behind, isn't it?
} Jesus, there's always       Jeepers, there's always
} been porn on the Net,       been naughtiness on the
} just like there has in      Net, just like there has
} the real world. You want    in the real world. You
} to see naked hooters?       want to see unclad
} Just walk into any          chests? Just walk into
} goddam newsagent. And       any atheistic newsagent.
} how do you like the         And how do you like the
} bloody nerve of one         sanguinary nerve of one
} country thinking it can     country thinking it can
} tell the rest of the        tell the rest of the world
} world what it can and       what it can and can't say
} can't say in electronic     in electronic communications?
} communications? Can the     Can the <expletive deleted>
} frigging US government      US government stop an
} stop an Australian          Australian calling a New
} calling a New Zealander     Zealander a sheepmolest^H
} a sheepshagger if that's    ^H^H^H^H^Hworrier if that's
} what he really wants to     what he really wants to
} do?                         do?
}
} Hey, you know there was     Hey, you know there was
} even one of those           even one of those intellect-
} cretinous parental          ually challenged parental
} control filters recently    control filters recently
} that blocked Socks's        that blocked Socks's
} cruddy White House page     encrusted White House page
} for kids, because the       for kids, because the
} smutty pussy used the       unclean private parts used
} word couples to describe    the word conjoins to describe
} people like Bill and        people like the President
} Hillary? (Hah! As if        and the First Lady?
} Bill ever restricted his    <generally suggestive
} attentions to just a        parenthetic allegations
} couple, eh?) This kind      deleted> This kind of
} of crap will ensure that    number twos will ensure
} the whole thing sinks       that the whole thing sinks
} under a tidal wave of       under a tidal wave of
} derision. Hell, your        derision. Heck^H^H^H^H
} kids learn far ruder        Gosh, your kids learn far
} words than couples at       naughtier words than
} school. Perhaps those       conjoins at school.
} geniuses in your            Those geniuses in your
} idiotic Congress should     wonderful Congress should
} legislate about what        legislate about what
} can be said in the          can be said in the
} playground, too.            playground, too.
}
} Still, I understand         Still, I understand
} your fears about            your fears about
} freedom of speech on        freedom of speech on
} the Net, and sympathise     the Net, and sympathise
} with them. As an            with them. As an
} immortal, however, I        immortal, however, I
} have the advantage of a     have the advantage of a
} long-term perspective,      long-term perspective,
} and so I can assure you     and so I can assure you
} that I've seen all this     that your government is
} sort of thing before,       only thinking of your
} and it all blows over in    welfare. You must trust
} time. Repressive regimes    your government. Your
} rarely last more than a     government knows what
} century, often much         is good for you. Those
} less. Those smegheads in    <term not in dictionary>s
} Congress think they know    in Congress know that
} what's good for you         they are what is good
} better than you do          for you. They love you.
} yourself. This is           They want you to be
} typical of the right-       happy. They don't want
} wing paternalism that       you to worry your head
} grips the Republican        about matters you don't
} party generally -- hence    understand. But to do
} all the whining on about    all this, they need your
} children, of course.        complete obedience.
} They want to treat you      That's not too much to
} all as children -- so       ask, is it? We can't
} much easier to control      have people rocking the
} than adults. And what       boat. Not if we're to
} with the resurgence in      rebuild a law-abiding,
} religious fundamentalism    God-fearing America
} as a backlash against       from the ruins left by
} the liberalism of the       those pinko subversives
} 60s and 70s, not to         of the 60s and 70s. You
} mention millenium fever,    want your children to
} they now think they've      be safe. You want to be
} got some sort of moral      safe. You want us to
} mandate for their heavy-    look after you. You know
} handed tactics.             you do.
}
} But bear up, supplicant.    But we noticed that you
} Things are not as bad as    used words like McCarthyism
} they could be. Okay, so     and liberty to imply that
} we're undergoing a          you were disapproving of
} brief return to the         your elected government's
} days of McCarthyism.        sterling efforts to protect
} What you have to do is      you from yourself. You must
} keep saying to yourself:    guard against Unamerican
} "This country is still      thoughts like these. Keep
} a democracy. Come the       saying to yourself over
} elections, I'll see who     and over: "Every day in
} has my true interests       every way I am getting
} at heart and vote           better, and more dutiful,
} accordingly." And they      and more trusting, and
} know it. In the end,        more obedient." You can
} it's you who controls       do it. You will do it.
} them. Hang on to that       And in the end, you'll
} thought -- you'll feel      feel better for it.
} better for it.              Or else.
}
} As this is your first       As this is your first
} time, you don't owe the     transgression, Big Brother
} Oracle anything. Please     forgives you. Next time
} feel free to call again     it'll be a visit to the
} anytime.                    room full of rats, buddy.


847-10    (17rzF dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <cep@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The other day I was walking home, when a brilliant flash of light
> caused me to turn and cover my eyes.  When I looked back at where the
> light was, I saw a charred piece of paper fall to the ground.  It may
> be of interest to you--
>
> (it appears to be a page from somebody's diary)
>
> "
> August 17th, 1996
>
> I'm going to try to write about this as calmly as I possibly can,
> considering what's just happened.  As far as I can tell, every city on
> earth has been destroyed in a nuclear armageddon, something beyond my
> wildest dreams.  I've looked on the Temple of the Internet Oracle, and
> even it has been destroyed.  I can'
> "
>
> The scrap ends there.
>
> What does this all mean?  What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} July 17, 1996: Supplicant has exeprience described above.  Reads note
} and decides to contact the Internet Oracle vie email.
}
} July 20, 1996: Supplicants email message interecepted by CIA.
} President is alerted.  An emergency meeting of the Cabinet is convened.
} It is agreed to place all arms of the National Defense on full
} super-secret alert.
}
} July 25, 1996: Alarmed by intelligence reports of US activity, Russia
} goes on full scale alert as well.  In private meetings, tensions
} between the two countries rise.
}
} July 31, 1996: China goes on full scale alert
}
} Aug 1, 1996: Israel and India go on full scale alert. Nato forces
} mobilize in Western Europe.
}
} Aug. 3, 1996: Iraq threatens Israel with retaliation if Israel
} continues military mobiolization.
}
} Aug. 5, 1996: Internet Oracle constructs time travel jet to escape
} upcoming armegeddon, of which he is fully cognizant.
}
} Aug. 9, 1996: Arguing factions of Russian inner circle create
} heightened tensions and bring conflict even closer.
}
} Aug 10, 1996: Chinese forces mass on border with Russia.
}
} Aug 11, 1996: CIA informs President Clinton that charred piece of paper
} surely must imply certain armegeddon and that there best sources
} indicate it will come from with in Russia.  President waffles on
} telling the public.
}
} Aug 14, 1996: Hard Copy breaks the news of tensions between nations
} brought to the brink of worldwide destruction.  Country-wide panic.
}
} Aug. 16, 1996: Internet Oracle goes to sleep, Lisa inadvertantly sets
} clock alarm for 8 pm instead of 8 am.
}
} Aug. 17, 1996, 7:51 am EST: Renegade Russian submarine Captain launches
} his missiles against Western Europe.
}
} Aug. 17, 1996, 7:54 am EST: Western European forces retaliate.
}
} Aug. 17, 1996, 8:01 am EST: Everybody launches whatever they have.
}
} Aug. 17, 1996, 8:15 am EST:  A sleeping Internet Oracle is awakened by
} a hysterical Lisa.  They overslept...again.  They hop in the jet and
} take off.  Lisa begins to write in her journal, describing the
} landscape:
}
} August 17th, 1996
}
}  I'm going to try to write about this as calmly as I possibly can,
}  considering what's just happened.  As far as I can tell, every city on
}  earth has been destroyed in a nuclear armageddon, something beyond my
}  wildest dreams.  I've looked on the Temple of the Internet Oracle, and
}  even it has been destroyed.  I can only pray that mankind will somehow
}  continue on from this tragedy.  If only that supplicant had never sent
}  that email this could have all been avoided.
}
} Aug. 17, 1996, 8:18 am EST:  The Internet Oracle's jet reaches time
} warp speen at exactly the instant it is destroyed by a missile.  Pieces
} of debris are scattered throughout time.  Some going as far back as 2
} billion years, others only a month.
}
} You owe the Oracle a, forget it, what difference does it make, we're
} all gonna die.


846-04    (0arBx dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You know what I hate?
>
> RICH PRICKS

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As a matter of fact, I did know that.  That's my job.
}
} You're new to this, aren't you?  Well, this is how it works:
} *you* ask the questions, and *I* supply the answers.  Think you
} can manage that?  Let's try it then.
}
} The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
} Your question was:
}
} > You know what I hate?
}
} And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
} Corduroy pants.  Body piercing.  Boyzone.  Dirty fingernails.
} People telling you to have a nice day.  People telling you to "Enjoy!"
} their Web site.  People starving in a world of plenty.  White shirts
} with little thin pink stripes.  Cars with "Colonel Bogey" horns.
} Garfields stuck to car side windows.  Bumper stickers detailing their
} son's college grades.  Phone-in help desks.  Voice mail.  On-hold
} music. "Funny" ansaphone messages.  In fact, almost anything associated
} with telephones.  Sun-dried tomatoes.  Monosyllabic supplicants.  "Me
} too!" posters.  Little yappy dogs that have to be carried everywhere.
} Jim Carrey.  White socks.  Bugs Bunny socks.  Musical socks.
} ESPECIALLY musical socks.  Men with hairy toes wearing sandals and
} no socks.  Thermal cups at service plazas.  People who drive pickup
} trucks when they don't have to.  Beavis and Butthead.  Charles and Di.
} Micro$oft's imminent conquest of the Net.  Cascades.  Jim Carrey.
} The way how, when people arrange the snacks for a party, they always
} mix the cheese-and-onion potato chips in with the salt-and-vinegar
} ones. Smurfs.  Barbershop choirs.  The thought of Nicole Kidman playing
} Mrs. Peel in the film of "The Avengers".  Supplicants who don't grovel.
} Supplicants who ask the w**dch*ck question.  Supplicants who don't
} grovel AND ask the w**dch*ck question.  The word "Jurassic" used to
} describe anything other than the middle bit of the Mesozoic Era. The
} word "loser" spelled "looser" (it should, of course, be spelled
} "AOLuser").  Jerry Adams.  Newt Gingrich.  Baseball caps worn the wrong
} way round.  Joggers.  Skateboarders.  Roller bladers.  In fact, anybody
} with little wheels attached to their feet.  Fat women in leggings. Fat
} men in Bermuda shorts.  Thin men in Bermuda shorts.  JuVeNiLeS wHo
} ThInK wRiTiNg In AlTeRnAtInG cApS iS cOoL.  The Taster's Choice/Gold
} Blend couple.  Bras that pull your breasts up under your armpits. Any
} and all references to "Mission Impossible".  Any and all references to
} "The Hitch-hiker's Guide to the Galaxy".  This terrible pain in all the
} diodes down my left side.  Those watches that double as calculators,
} address books and nuclear magnetic resonance spectrographs and spend
} all the time beeping as their owners play with them.  Jim Carrey.
}
} Hang on a minute - this is a list of what *I* hate!  See what you've
} done, you've got me all confused!  Let's try it one more time.
}
} The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
} Your question was:
}
} > You know what I hate?
}
} And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
} RICH PRICKS!
}
} You owe the Oracle an end to this feud between you and Mr. Pricks.


847-05    (4eppH dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <cep@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> 'Twas brillig, and the slithey toves
> Did gyre and gymbol in the wabe;
> All mimsy were the borogroves,
> And the mome raths outgrabe.
>
> "Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
> The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
> Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun
> The frumious Bandersnatch."
>
> He took his vorpal sword in hand;
> Long time the manxom foe he sought.
> Then rested he by the tum-tum tree,
> And stood a while in thought.
>
> And as in uffish thought he stood,
> The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,
> Came whiffling through the tulgey wood
> And burbled as it came.
>
> One-two, one-two, and through and through!
> The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!
> He left it dead, and with its head,
> He went galumphing back.
>
> "And hast though slain the Jabberwock?
> Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
> O frabjous day, callooh, callay!"
> He chortled in his joy.
>
> 'Twas brillig, and the slithey toves
> Did gyre and gymbol in the wabe;
> All mimsy were the borogroves,
> And the mome raths outgrabe.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 'Twas the zillionth time the slimy hordes
} Did spam and mailbomb all the Net;
} All drooled-on were their keyboards,
} And their earlobes were wet.
}
} "Beware the Newbie dork, my son!
} The cluestick bait, the one trolls catch!
} Beware the mailbomb jerk, and shun
} The ludicrous MAKE MONEY FAST."
}
} He took his kernel source in hand;
} Long time a compromise he sought.
} Then sent a packet on public band,
} And ruled the radio LAN as root.
}
} And as in hackish glee he grinned,
} The Newbie dork, asshole aflame,
} Came whiffling through its login prompt
} And burbled as it came.
}
} kill -9, rm -rf, and sed and sed!
} The dork's account went *plonk*!
} He left it dead, and went to bed,
} And slept peaceful as a monk.
}
} "And hast thou burned the Newbie dork?
} You really pulled it off?!"
} That ISP's security
} Wasn't even tough.
}
} 'Twas the zillion-and-oneth time the slimy hordes
} Did spam and mailbomb all the Net;
} All drooled-on were their keyboards,
} And their earlobes were wet.


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