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} WORF: Captain, there are three Romulan warships uncloaking dead ahead.
}
} PICARD: On screen.
}
} [The main viewing screen changes to a pattern of horizontal lines, each
} only a single pixel wide.]
}
} PICARD: Data, what's wrong here?
}
} DATA: Captain, the main viewscreen does not have sufficient video
} memory to display an image of this size. May I suggest that you select
} a lower resolution?
}
} PICARD: Make it so.
}
} [The screen blanks, and then an image appears, with big, blocky square
} pixels. Three objects appear in the center, which could be Romulan
} warbirds, but which actually look more like the aliens in Space
} Invaders.]
}
} PICARD: Data, open a hailing channel to the Romulans.
}
} DATA: Aye, sir.
}
} [Data picks up an hourglass from the floor beside him, turns it over,
} and places it on the console in front of him. He punches some buttons
} on the console and sits motionless for several seconds. A flash of
} light blossoms from one of the Romulan ships on the viewscreen.]
}
} WORF: Incoming plasma torpedo, Captain!
}
} PICARD: Shields up!
}
} DATA: I'm sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete your
} last instruction. I must ask you to wait until I have finished before
} you issue your next command.
}
} PICARD: What on earth do you mean? Data, this is *important*! I want
} those shields up *right now*.
}
} DATA: I'm sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete your
} last instruction. I must ask you to wait until I have finished before
} you issue your next command.
}
} LAFORGE: Allow me, captain. [to Data] Control-alt-delete, Data.
}
} [Data removes the hourglass from the console, and returns it to the
} floor.]
}
} DATA: The Romulans are not responding to my hails. Press my nose to
} cancel and return to Windows. Pull my left ear to close this
} communications channel which is not responding. You will lose any
} information sent by the Romulans.
}
} [LaForge pulls Data's left ear.]
}
} PICARD: Shields...
}
} [There is a tremendous explosion. The bridge shakes violently, and all
} the crew members are thrown to the floor. A shower of sparks erupts
} from Wesley Crusher's station at the helm, throwing Wesley back away
} from the console.]
}
} PICARD: Up, Data!
}
} DATA: Aye, sir.
}
} RIKER: All decks, damage report!
}
} WORF: Captain, Ensign Crusher is injured. He appears to be
} unconscious.
}
} [Data picks up the hourglass again, places it on his console, and
} punches some more buttons. He waits a few seconds, then puts the
} hourglass back on the floor.]
}
} DATA: Shields are now up, captain.
}
} PICARD: And not a moment too soon. Worf, lock all phasers on the lead
} Romulan ship.
}
} WORF: Aye, sir. [He punches buttons on the weapons console.]
}
} PICARD: Mr. Data, take the helm, and prepare for evasive action.
}
} DATA: I am sorry, sir, but I do not have the proper device driver
} installed for that console.
}
} PICARD: Well, damn it, install the right one.
}
} DATA: Please insert Setup Implant #1 in my right nostril.
}
} PICARD: Number One, where do we keep Data's setup implants?
}
} RIKER: I left them with Geordi.
}
} LAFORGE: [in a surprised voice] What!!? I thought you still had them!
}
} PICARD: Data, don't you have device drivers stored in your internal
} memory?
}
} DATA: Not found, sir. Please insert Setup Implant #1 in my right
} nostril.
}
} PICARD: Data, I don't *have* Setup Implant #1.
}
} DATA: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail?
}
} PICARD: Abort!
}
} DATA: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail?
}
} PICARD: Well, fail, then!
}
} DATA: Current nose is no longer valid.
}
} [Data walks over to the helm, and presses several buttons. The ship
} lurches, the images of the Romulan warships suddenly shift to one side
} of the viewscreen, and a high-pitched whining noise is heard coming
} from somewhere else in the ship.]
}
} LAFORGE: [alarmed] Data, what the hell are you doing?
}
} PICARD: Number One, do we have a customer service number for Data?
}
} RIKER: Yes sir, but last time I tried to call them, I got put on hold
} for two hours before I was able to talk to anyone. And that person
} wasn't knowledgeable about androids of Data's model. She specialized
} in industrial control robots.
}
} [Suddenly, the lights all go out, the viewscreen goes blank, and all
} the usual noise of fans, motors, and so on whines to a halt. After a
} few seconds, the red emergency lights come on. Data is standing by the
} console, absolutely motionless.]
}
} PICARD: What's going on?
}
} LAFORGE: [checking the helm console] Lieutenant Data has caused a
} General Protection Violation in the warp engine core.
}
} PICARD: These androids look really sharp, but you can't really do
} anything with them.
}
} [The shimmer of the transporter effect appears, and six Romulans in
} full battle dress materialize on the bridge. A seventh figure, a
} Ferengi, appears moments later.]
}
} FERENGI: [with a mercenary grin] Can I interest you in a Macintosh,
} Captain?
}
} You owe the Oracle a little model of the Enterprise, with an "Intel
} Inside" sticker on it.
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