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Best of Internet Oracularities #876-900

Goto:
876-900, 885-08, 876-09, 887-05, 893-09, 900-03, 880-04, 883-10, 888-03, 891-03, 891-07, 894-06, 895-06


Best of Internet Oracularities #876-900    (3.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 12 May 1997 12:00:57 -0500

Oracularities are the distilled wisdom and sagacity of the Internet
Oracle, as incarnated in its many anonymous e-mail participants.  This
collection has been compiled from the regular Oracularities postings #876
through #900 and contains the Oracularities rated by its readers
as among the funniest.

To find out more about the Internet Oracle, send mail to
oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line to receive
the Oracle helpfile.

The regular Oracularities postings can be found in the Usenet newsgroup
rec.humor.oracle.  Open discussion about the Internet Oracle occurs in
the newsgroup rec.humor.oracle.d.  If your site doesn't carry these
newsgroups, contact your news administrator about starting them, or
see the Oracle helpfile about subscribing to the Oracularities e-mail
distribution list.


885-08    (29jtT dist, 4.1 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@mail.ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> To:   Internet Oracle
> From: Microsoft Lawyers, Inc.
>
> Sir:
>
>      It has come to our attention that you still continue to
> spread wild speculations and outright falsehoods regarding one
> Bill Gates.
>
>      As you well know, at no time has Mr. Gates been involved
> in midnight cauldron-stirring events, world domination plans
> or intentional bug^H^H^H^H unexpected feature introduction.
>
>      Since you have already been warned in the past, you must
> now cease this behavior immediately.  Continued actions on your
> part will result in the largest legal onslaught in history.
>
>      Your latest response, consisting of qouting our entire
> correspondence followed by the line 'Huh?', does not fool us.
>
>      We are quite aware of who you are and what you have been
> up to.  We trust you would like to keep some of the more, uh,
> intimate details out of the courts of law.
>
>      You still have 24 hours to respond before actions commence.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To:  Microsoft Lawyers, Inc.
} From: Azathoth, Nyarlathotep and Hastur, Elder Attorneys.
}
} Sirs:
}
} Our associate, The Internet Oracle, has brought to our attention
} your recent threat of legal action against the aforementioned
} entity. We feel you should be aware that in the event of any
} litigation issued against a fellow Undying One, a counter-suit
} will be launched against Microsoft by the Many-Angled Ones.
}
} This counter-suit will claim that Windows '95, and indeed all
} of the Microsoft range of products, infringe on the "look-and-feel"
} of the Elder Gods, for the following reasons:
}
} o   Windows '95 is a crawling abomination from the darkest
}     pits of Hell;
}
} o   No man can be in it's presence for too long without being
}     driven into gibbering insanity;
}
} o   A cult who worship it exist in secret amongst the mortal
}     herd;
}
} o   Those who associate with it for too long develop common
}     physical characteristics, to wit: pale, clammy skin, bulging
}     eyes, generally unkempt physical appearance, tendency
}     towards nocturnal living, change in diet to that which normal
}     men do not eat (in your case tacos, burgers and Jolt Coke;
}     in ours, human flesh, Fungi of Yuggoth and the blood of Alien
}     Gods);
}
} o   The Microsoft range of products seek to utterly dominate
}     the world, and force all who dwell their to live in eternal
}     damnation.
}
} As you can see, our case is very strong, especially when
} you consider that most judges prefer not to have chittering
} things with tentacles for faces scoop out their brains and
} eat them.
}
} We hope that you will consider these points carefully before
} commencing any actions, since it is not our intention to have
} your senior partners spend the rest of their mercifully short
} lives under heavy sedation in a maximum security psychiatric
} hospital. After all, it was the Lords of the Outer Planes who
} gave humanity lawyers in the first place.
}
} Respectfully yours,
}
} <unidentifiable squiggle in some sort of ichor>
}
} pp. J. Arthur Hastur, LL.B., B.C.L, B.D


876-09    (3cjyL dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, what, exactly, must be done for the United States
> to launch atomic missles?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm...well, I guess I'll assume you're asking this question for purely
} academic reasons, not for malicious intent.  Here goes:
}
} 1. The President consults with his advisors.
}
} 2. Following the meeting, his advisors race to the phone in an effort
} to be first to call in to "Larry King Live" and claim they, personally,
} had absolutely nothing to do with it.
}
} 3. The President asks the Air Force officer who always follows him
} around to open the locked briefcase carrying the authentication codes.
}
} 4. Several moments of consternation when the Air Force officer is
} nowhere to be found.
}
} 5. The Air Force officer returns from the restroom.
}
} 6. The briefcase is opened.
}
} 7. The President picks up the phone and presses the speed-dial button
} for Strategic Air Command headquarters in Nebraska.
}
} 8. The President reads the authentication codes, then repeats them.
}
} 9. The guy at Domino's tells him he pressed the wrong speed-dial button
} again.
}
} 10. Annoyed, the President calls Directory Assistance to get the SAC
} secret phone number.
}
} 11. The Directory Assistance operator tells the President that the part
} of Nebraska that contains SAC headquarters has been split off into
} another area code, so he'll have to call Directory Assistance for that
} area code.
}
} 12. Just as the President is about to call the whole thing off, SAC
} calls him because they were concerned about something they just saw on
} "Larry King Live."
}
} 13. See Step 8.
}
} 14. SAC realizes that the missiles aren't pointing in the right
} direction, and it will take over 2 hours to aim them correctly.
}
} 15. They try to call the President back, but he's busy activating the
} Emergency Broadcast System.
}
} 16. NBC refuses to interrupt "Must See TV" for something as trivial as
} nuclear war.  ABC and CBS also refuse because they need all the ratings
} they can get.  UPN agrees to activate the EBS, but only if the
} President will call back on a night when they actually have some
} programming (Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday).
}
} 17. Finally, the President calls the Home Shopping Network, which
} points out to him that the Emergency Broadcast System was just recently
} replaced by the Emergency Alert System, which has a completely
} different procedure for Presidential activation.
}
} 18. The President throws up his hands and tries to call SAC back to
} cancel the whole thing, but gets a busy signal because SAC is still
} trying to call him.
}
} 19. The President gets very nervous and decides to take off for his
} secret hideout in Virginia.
}
} 20. SAC finally gets through to the Oval Office, and gets the Vice
} President, who becomes enraged at the fact that the President never
} tells him anything.  He tells them to just forget about it.
}
} 21. Larry King chalks the whole thing up to prank phone callers and
} gets on with his hard-hitting interview of Mary Tyler Moore.
}
} 22. Three days later, the President pokes his head out the door of the
} secret hideout.  Finding the world still there, he spends the
} helicopter ride back to the White House thinking up a good excuse to
} tell the First Lady.
}
} 23. The House of Representatives launches an ethics investigation.
}
} There are some who say we must remain forever vigilant to make sure
} this scenario never occurs.  There are others who say this scenario has
} already occurred.  Several times.
}
} You owe the Oracle some iodine pills and a lead-lined jacket.


887-05    (5aqOQ dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <cep@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wise and all seeing Oracle, answer me my question and I'll
> humbly and gratefully serve you for the rest of my natural life.
>
> I'm a Taurus - whats my prospects for 1997?
>
> Cheers!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You'll be traded in for an Escort.


893-09    (78kyI dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Forbes <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If the door on a refrigerator, in the middle of a forest, were to open
> and there was no-one there to see it, would the light come on?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No.  It's not plugged in.


900-03    (58fwC dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Voiceover: You braved a twister.
>
> [two-second clip from the movie of that name]
>
> Voiceover: You endured volcanoes.
>
> [two-second clip of a volcano exploding]
>
> Voiceover: You even survived a direct asteroid hit.
>
> [two-second clip from the NBC movie Asteroid]
>
> Voiceover: Now, get ready for the biggest one of them all.
>
> [shot of the kitchen in a small Midwestern house at dinnertime, with the
> window visible in the shot.  People looking slightly anxious about
> something.  Suddenly lightning flashes and thunder cracks.  Rain begins
> drizzling, then quickly builds into a deluge.  Screams from members of
> the household, with the occasional "Get into the basement!" and "What
> about Grandma?"]
>
> Voiceover: The disaster to end all disasters.
>
> [More mayhem in the small house.  Cut to outside of the house, rain
> pouring down, thunder and lightning crashing.]
>
> Voiceover: Barricade the windows.  Lock and triple-bar the doors.  Hide
> if you dare.
>
> [Gradually fade to black amidst screams.]
>
> Voiceover (during fade): An NBC original event.  World Premiere coming
> May 24th.  You'll never be ready for...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Windows 97.


880-04    (1cspB dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most melifluous oracle, whose toenails I'm not worthy to paint...
>
> Does television advertising really work?  I mean, do you buy Cocoa
> Pebbles just because Barny outwits Fred every time?  Do you feel
> compelled to buy Mentos just because it seems to help in stressful
> situations?  Do you buy Energizer batteries just because that silly
> rabbit tricks are for kids go cuckoo just for the taste of it's the
> right one, baby you're the greatest...
>
> Argh!  Somebody help me!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Internet Oracle, it can't be beat!
} Wisdom and Knowledge as a tasty treat!
} The Internet Oracle will show you the way!
} Write your Internet Oracle today!
}
}      [An announcer floods the sound sphere.]
}
} Yes, the internet Oracle!  It slices, it dices, it cuts this tin can in
} half and is still sharp enough to slice this tomato!  How much would
} you expect to pay for this remarkable portal to the unending reaches of
} knowledge and time? WAIT!  Don't answer yet!  It comes with this handy
} opening line:
}
} The Oracle has pondered your question deeply...
}
} It will tell you to give him things that you can't possibly deliver:
}
} You owe the Oracle Uraguay.
}
} It sounds a very special alarm at unwanted intruders:
}
} *ZOT*     [Screams of agony in the background.]
}
} And it even comes ASCII ready for convient storage in your hard drive
} (not included.)
}
} So what would you pay?  $50?  $100?  maybe even $300!
}
} Well, what if I told you that the Oracle comes with wacky antics?!
} Yes, that's right!  Laugh as the Oracle *ZOT*s his best buddy Zadoc.
} Chuckle as the Oracle overcomes his latest problem with Lisa!  Roar
} with laughter as the allegedly omnisient Oracle can't even spell
} important words correctly!
}
} NOW, how much would you pay?  $500, maybe even One-Thousand-Dollars?!?
}
} Let's review!  You get...
}     * Infinite knowledge ans wisdom...
}     * in a handy ASCII english-based format...
}     * prefaced with a computer generated opening line,...
}     * which also serves as an unwanted intruder alarm!
}        PLUS:
}     * Zadoc, Lisa, and all the hillarity that comes with them,
}        AND
}     * The feeling that life has become clear to you once you hear the
}       sage advice...
}     * All for simple demands that you don't need to follow through on!
}
} And this, once available only to business at the cost of $10,000 !!!
} can now be yours for the low, low price of $29.95!
}
}      [Boos and Hisses of audience.]
}
} What!  That's still too much!  How about $24.95!
}
}      [Audience continues, only lounder.]
}
} I can't believe I'm doing this!  What the hell...
}
}                    $ NINETEEN NINETY-FIVE !!!!
}
}      [Audience roars with approval!]
}
} So call now and get in on the action!  You know what comes now...
}
} You owe the Oracle $19.95.


883-10    (8dovJ dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Forbes <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The wisest, most intelligent oracle sir, could you please tell me what
> I can do with year old tuna.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                       101 Uses for Year-Old Tuna
}                         by The Internet Oracle
}
}    1. Kindergarten art projects.
}    2. Extract the mercury, make a tiny thermometer.
}    3. A newsgroup: alt.year-old-tuna
}    4. Your cats will love it!
}    5. Go-cart wheels.
}    6. Makes a good core to wind old bits of string around.
}    7. Glue a can onto the ceiling of the Astrodome.
}    8. Stack up 87 cases, call it art, make Christo jealous.
}    9. Feed it to Windows 95 programmers. They'll never notice.
}   10. Beads on a giant abacus.
}   11. Fish oil is flammable. Make candles. Your cats will love it!
}   12. Rent a helicopter and drop year-old tuna on your enemies.
}   13. Skeet shooting.
}   14. Sneak it back onto your grocer's shelves.
}   15. It's fun to watch cans roll down steep hills.
}   16. Leave one can every day in the library book drop.
}   17. Spray paint the cans with fun colors and play shuffleboard.
}   18. See whether Dr. Kevorkian can use them.
}   19. Melt them to get the metal. This will make an odor. (Get it?)
}   20. Aw, c'mon. That's a three-way pun. Give it another chance.
}   21. Use them in a commando raid upon your neighbors' houses.
}   22. Visit Mount Rushmore and hide the cans in Teddy's nose.
}   23. Keep the tuna for fifty years, then call it an antique.
}   24. Makes a great hockey puck.
}   25. Paint a can blue, leave it on your coffee table.
}   26. Leave the cans in your toilet tank to conserve water.
}   27. Get Newt to accept year-old tuna as a donation.
}   28. Rub year-old tuna upon your torso. Your cats will love it!
}   29. Keep a can in your trunk for emergencies.
}   30. Mail it to your friends in Iceland.
}   31. Give a can to your ex. Laugh maniacally and take it back.
}   32. Drop it in the bay, then place a lost and found ad.
}   33. Make bar bets that you can fit a whole can in your mouth.
}   34. Pass electricity through it until it glows.
}   35. Leave a can in a new car during a test drive.
}   36. Use cans as percussion instruments in your band, "Outer Tuna".
}   37. 'Year-old tuna' anagrams to 'Yoda Renault'.
}   38. Paint a symbol on a can and sell it as a new-age power-token.
}   39. Make year-old tuna sandwiches.
}   40. Build a radio inside the can. Call it the "Tuna-tin 2".
}   41. Makes a fun hat. Your cats will love it!
}   42. Good for making dolphins upset. ("So long!")
}   43. Good for making dolphin-lovers upset.
}   44. Make the Secret Service nervous. Give it to Socks Clinton.
}   45. Take a can to church, ask that it be blessed.
}   46. Make two cans into "tuna goggles".
}   47. With enough postage, you can mail a can without a box.
}   48. Hide three cans under your car seat, confess it at Customs.
}   49. Calculate how many cans could fill Lake Erie.
}   50. Return a can to the video store.
}   51. Give year-old tuna to your sweetheart on Valentine's Day.
}   52. Use an empty can as a rain gauge.
}   53. Ballast.
}   54. Meditate upon the bar code.
}   55. Polish the lid until you can see yourself in it.
}   56. Microwave it until it explodes.
}   57. Build a tiny city inside the can. Intimidate the inhabitants.
}   58. Use fish oil in your metronome. Your cats will love it!
}   59. Leave a can to your nephew in your will.
}   60. Paint the cans bright orange. Claim they were left by aliens.
}   61. String them into a necklace.
}   62. Cast its star chart, find out whether it's a Pisces.
}   63. Rub it on your car. Your cats will love it!
}   64. Ask a taxidermist to mount it.
}   65. Hide cans instead of eggs for Easter.
}   66. 6-1/8 ounce shot put.
}   67. Wait a while, get it into the Guinness Book of World Records.
}   68. Paint the cans red and black. Use them as checkers.
}   69. Invent a time machine, and send the tuna to the dinosaurs.
}   70. File the cans under F for fish.
}   71. Decode the numbers stamped into the can. (Hint: 3=R.)
}   72. Recycle each can into five bracelets.
}   73. Make year-old tuna melt. It's not a bad as it sounds.
}   74. C'mon. Don't knock it if you haven't tried it.
}   75. Through a small hole, clean the can and build a watch inside.
}   76. Use it in the laundry. Your cats will love it!
}   77. Paint the cans yellow, call them "Solar Tuna".
}   78. Give a can to your date. Ask for a kiss in return.
}   79. Drop it from the third-floor, shouting "It's raining tuna!"
}   80. Name the cans "George," "Jerry," "Elaine," and "Kramer."
}   81. If you have a fifth can, call it "Newman."
}   82. Make a year-old tuna screen saver.
}   83. Use the cans for bodybuilding. Pump tuna.
}   84. Pray to Charlie Tuna. Sacrifice your tuna to him.
}   85. Use the labels as a mod headband.
}   86. Carry a can wherever you go. Don't explain, don't apologize.
}   87. Hammer the cans flat, re-roof your home.
}   88. Give it out on Halloween. Call it "Tuna from the Crypt."
}   89. Decorate the cans with glitter, make Martha Stuart jealous.
}   90. Use the cans to plumb Crater Lake.
}   91. Ask your favorite sushi chef to make it into dinner.
}   92. Put it in a pyramid, wait 4000 years, see if it's fresh.
}   93. Rub it on your furnace filters. Your cats will love it!
}   94. Leave a can at your photo shop for developing.
}   95. Put a parachute onto each can. Drop them over Bermuda.
}   96. Shake a can to hear a fun squishy sound.
}   97. Put a can in your piano. Call it your "piano tuna."
}   98. Send year-old tuna to Internet spammers.
}   99. Start the new craze: year-old tuna-flavored espresso.
}  100. Invent a tuna-disk drive and make a fortune.
}  101. Make a replica of the "Venus de Milo." Your cats will love it!
}
} You owe the Oracle a year's supply of sushi.


888-03    (7emDG dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <cep@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the origin of the universe?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} (0,0).
}
} You owe the Oracle an abscissa and an ordinate or two.


891-03    (1gsxz dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <cep@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> I seek help on one of lifes most thorniest of problems.
>
> It seems that I have fallen out of love with my Boyfriend,
> and haven't the heart to write the Dear John Letter I should.
> You see He is Canadian and of a tender heart. Anything i say to him
> will crush him.
>
> Can you help me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                           ORACLE INDUSTRIES
}                       Form Letter FLDJFOAD-302-A
}               (Please use this number when re-ordering)
}
} Instructions: Please fill in the blanks as necessary. Submit three
} signed and dated copies to Oracle Industries along with your payment
} of $175.  Your request will be processed in 6 to 8 weeks and you will
} be notified of the outcome (unless the third party decides to take
} some form of action including but not limited to late night phone
} calls, stalking, emotional black mail in which case you should contact
} our legal consulting services.  ORACLE INDUSTRIES PROVIDES THIS LETTER
} "AS IS" AND WITHOUT ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING,
} WITHOUT LIMITATION, THE IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY AND
} FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE.
}
} 1) Chose one and fill in as necessary:
}     ( ) Dear _________
}     ( ) ______ you rotten bastard
}
} 2) Chose all that applies
}     I am breaking up with you
}         ( ) for reasons I don't feel like discussing
}         ( ) because you are:
}             ( ) a total bastard and manipulate people
}             ( ) a spineless fool and are manipulated
}             ( ) not good in bed
}             ( ) broke
}             ( ) dull
}             ( ) highly annoying
}             ( ) Canadian
}             ( ) other _________________________
}     ( ) I also would like you to know that:
}         ( ) it's not you it's me
}         ( ) I hope you can forgive me
}         ( ) I'll never forgive you
}         ( ) it's because you're Canadian
}         ( ) it's because I am Canadian
}         ( ) we weren't meant for each other
}         ( ) Because of you I'm changing my sexual
}             orientation and
}             ( ) becoming gay/lesbian
}             ( ) becoming straight
}             ( ) having my genitals removed
}             ( ) other ___________________________
}         ( ) we can always be friends
}         ( ) I faked each and every one of my orgasms
}         ( ) I maintained one or more (number: ____) other
}             relationship(s) while we were together
}         ( ) I hate your
}             ( ) cat
}             ( ) dog
}             ( ) parents
}             ( ) guts
}             ( ) other ___________________________
}         ( ) I will not be returning your gifts because
}             ( ) I sold them
}             ( ) I couldn't sell that junk so I threw them away
}             ( ) my new (boy)/(girl) friend likes them
}             ( ) just to spite you
}             ( ) other ___________________________
}         ( ) yours is/are the smallest/shortest
}             ( ) penis
}             ( ) breasts
}             ( ) car
}             ( ) apartment
}             ( ) brain
}             ( ) bank account
}             ( ) other ___________________________
}             I have seen, and believe me I have seen many
}         ( ) yours is/are the biggest/longest
}             ( ) mouth
}             ( ) butt
}             ( ) hair
}             ( ) ego
}             ( ) nostrils
}             ( ) feet
}             ( ) criminal record
}             ( ) other ___________________________
}             I have seen, and believe me I have seen many
}     ( ) Even though we broke up, I hope you will
}         ( ) provide emotional support for me in my turbulent
}             love life and listen to stories about my
}             significant other till 3am
}         ( ) lend me money
}         ( ) have sex with me on ocassion
}         ( ) come to Canada with me to meet my parents so
}             they stop bugging me about getting married.
}         ( ) not spread rumors about me or my ___________
}         ( ) continue the treatment
}         ( ) stop pretending we're together
}         ( ) other ___________________________
}     ( ) In closing,
}         ( ) I'm sure you'll make out ok!
}         ( ) I'll see you around
}         ( ) I'll see you next time I'm in Canada
}         ( ) I'll see you in court
}         ( ) I'll see you in hell
}
}             Breaker-up                            Brakee
}
}     Signed ______________________    Signed ______________________
}     Date:  ______________________    Date:  ______________________
}
}           Witneses (if required)        Witneses (if required)
}
}     Signed ______________________    Signed ______________________
}     Date:  ______________________    Date:  ______________________
}
}                      DO NOT WRITE BELOW THIS LINE
}       ----------------------------------------------------------
}
} Recommended action for: [ ] Brakee [ ] Braker-up [ ] Both
}     [ ] No action    [ ] Mild Harassment    [ ] Severe Harassment
}     [ ] Hit man      [ ] A Date with Oracle [ ] A Date with Lisa
}     [ ] Other ___________________________
}
} Not Processed because:
}     [ ] Fee missing    [ ] One of the parties killed the other
}     [ ] Reconciled during the 6-8 week period
}     [ ] Other ___________________________


891-07    (2buzz dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <DAVIS@wehi.edu.au>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and mighty Oracle,
>
> I am having trouble with my Spanish homework. Could you please help
> me translate the following:
>
> Isabel no me creyo. Las chicas no oyeron el telefono! Me interesa su
> modo de pensar. Por que Luis y Ana hablaban cuando Juan y Laura
> salieron?
>
> Mis primos y yo fuimos a un estudio donde estaban filmando una
> pelicula. Voy a hacer el papel del enamorado. No, no he hablado con el
> detective!
>
> Tan chiquito y frente al televisor ya razona lo mismo que la gente
> grande!
>
> Aqui vienen los bomberos!
>
> Thanks for your time.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} *Sigh* If I must...
}
} > Isabel no me creyo.
}
} Isabel is not my crayon.
}
} > Las chicas no oyeron el telefono!
}
} The chickens don't order on the telephone.
}
} > Me interesa su modo de pensar.
}
} I'm interested in where the pens are.
}
} > Por que Luis y Ana hablaban cuando Juan y Laura salieron?
}
} Porky Luis and Ana wanna know why Juan and Laura have a sailor on?
}
} > Mis primos y yo fuimos a un estudio donde estaban filmando una
} > pelicula.
}
} Miss Primos and your fumes in a studio don't stab a film of a pelican.
}
} > Voy a hacer el papel del enamorado.
}
} Why is she in love with that Pope?
}
} > No, no he hablado con el detective!
}
} No, no!  He's a detective!
}
} >> Tan chiquito y frente al televisor ya razona lo mismo que la gente
} >> grande!
}
} Tan bananas in front of the television your raisins loaned miss the big
} man!
}
} >> Aqui vienen los bomberos!
}
} Wet wieners lost bombers!
}
} >> Thanks for your time.
}
} Muchas gracias.
}
} You owe the Oracle a better Spanish-English dictionary.


894-06    (98kmL dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wise and grave Oracle, whose macros I am not fit to debug, what
> are the nominees in tonights Oraculary Awards? Will there be a musical
> number?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ANNOUNCER: Live, from the Stephen Kinzler pavilion in Bloomington,
} Indiana, it's the 69th Annual Oraculary Awards!  Brought to you by
} Microsoft: responsible for more Oracle humor than every other software
} manufacturer combined!  By the U.S. Postal Service:  hey, anyone
} remember us?!  And by Oracle:  we're sorry people think
} rec.humor.oracle has something to do with us!  Now, here's your host,
} Billy Crystal!
}
} [Applause turns to laughter as Billy walks out wearing a woodchuck
} suit, holding several logs.]
}
} BILLY:  All right, let's get this decided once and for all!  [Throws a
} log across the stage]  One!  [Throws another log]  Two!
}
} [Uproarious laughter.  Suddenly, fireworks go off loudly.  Billy lies
} prone on the stage.]
}
} BOOMING VOICE:  You have just been zotted.  And you owe the Oracle...a
} great awards show.
}
} [Billy jumps up.]
}
} BILLY:  Oh, is that all?  That's no problem, big guy.  Welcome to the
} 69th Annual Oraculary Awards, where the question on everyone's mind is:
}  Who will win the Orrie?  Ladies and gentlemen, the Oraculary Awards
} Dancers!
}
} [Applause.  Eight hundred ninety-three dancers, each one representing
} an Oracularities Digest, come out and perform a truly amazing dance
} number during the following song.]
}
} Who will win?
} Who will win?
} Who will win?
}
} It's Oraculary Awards time again,
} Time for us to ask who will win,
} Who out there will be given the honor?
} It's time to let the show begin!
}
} ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, Bill Gates!
}
} BILL (solo):  They never stop laughing about me,
} Those incarnations that I adore,
} All those jokes about me just don't matter,
} 'Cause I'm worth a billion or four.
}
} [Applause.]
}
} ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, Canter & Siegel!
}
} CANTER:  They must have forgotten about us!
} SIEGEL:  Well, that really wasn't so hard.
} CANTER:  Because we've been kicked off the Internet!
} BOTH:  Anyone need a green card?
}
} [The audience boos.  The song continues.]
}
} ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, the Oracle Priests!
}
} ALL:  They locked us in a room with a computer,
} And the modem's always humming,
} They say we can come out
} When the questions run out
} OTIS VILES (solo):  But they just keep on coming!
}
} [Applause.]
}
} It's Oraculary Awards time again,
} Hearts pound and throats are knotted,
} As everyone wonders who will win,
} And wonders who will be zotted.
}
} Who will win?
} Who will win?
} Who...will...win?
}
} [Thunderous applause.  Billy Crystal returns.]
}
} BILLY:  And our first award of the evening is, as always, Best Starring
} Performance in an Oracularity.  To present the award are head Oracle
} priest Zadoc, and head Oracle girlfriend Lisa.
}
} [Applause.  Zadoc and Lisa walk to the podium.]
}
} ZADOC:  You know, Lisa, it's surprising that we're giving this award
} together.
}
} LISA:  How's that, Zadoc?
}
} ZADOC:  Because our relationship with the Oracle is so different.  When
} he calls my name, it's usually for punishment.  But when he calls your
} name, it's usually for pleasure.
}
} LISA:  I wouldn't be too sure about it not being for punishment, Zadoc.
}
} [Laughter.]
}
} ZADOC:  The nominees for Best Starring Performance in an Oracularity
} are:
}
} LISA:  Bill Gates, 861-09!
}
} > That's pretty amazing!  Nobody at the whole company has either sent
} > or received e-mail for the last 20 minutes!
}
} [Applause.]
}
} ZADOC:  John Hallmark, 889-01!
}
} > Oh Oracle most wise, why is there such a long time between holidays?
}
} [Applause.]
}
} LISA:  Zadoc, 883-04!
}
} } Yes Master. Here you are.
}
} [Applause.]
}
} ZADOC:  Lisa, 789-03!
}
} }  Senator Packwood, when are you going to get it through your
} }  skull that 'Cease and desist' is not a term of affection?
}
} [Applause.]
}
} LISA:  And finally, the Internet Oracle, 872-04!
}
} } Oh, well, time to walk the woodchuck.
}
} [Thunderous applause.]
}
} ZADOC:  And the Orrie goes to...[opens envelope]...the Internet Oracle,
} 872-04!
}
} [The band plays "Theme from 872-04."  The audience gives the Oracle a
} standing ovation as he walks slowly up to the stage.  He embraces Lisa
} and completely ignores Zadoc.]
}
} ORACLE:  Oh, yeah!  Hey, what is this, 69 in a row?  Well, that's what
} happens when you know who the voters are and have the power to zot
} them. Anyway, I have a few people I'd like to thank.  First of all, of
} course, the lovely Lisa for standing behind me in every way possible.
} I'm sorry you didn't win, honey, but at least we have this to put on
} the mantel.  And I'd like to thank the Association of Computer Monitor
} Manufacturers for making my words look so good all these years.  And I
} can't forget...
}
} [The band starts playing.  Orrie looks surprised.]
}
} BILLY CRYSTAL:  That's what happens when you go past the
} 7-and-a-half-line limit with your acceptance speech.  Well, folks,
} that's the 69th Annual Oraculary awards.  Congratulations to our
} winner, and...AWK!
}
} [Billy falls over.]
}
} ORACLE:  And this time, it's a real zot, you Shecky Greene wannabe.  As
} I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted...
}
} ANNOUNCER:  Costumes provided by Acme Taxidermy of Beverly Hills.  This
} has been an Internet Oracle production, in association with An
} Incarnation With a Lot of Time on His Hands, Incorporated.  Stay tuned
} for...AWK!
}
} [The announcer falls out of his booth.]
}
} ORACLE:  I was going to say, that I can't forget Zadoc, who took on
} many of the production responsibilities for me this year.  But it seems
} that he's done QUITE a poor job.  Start running, Zadoc!
}
} ZADOC [offstage]:  I'm already out the door.........


895-06    (6atAG dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Mr. Oracle:
>
> It is to our great sorrow we must announce that we no longer have room
> for your services. While we have great respect for the work you've done
> (and are willing to offer a more-than-generous severance package to
> prove it), we have decided that it is nonessential to our company
> mission, and have been forced to sell the Oracularities division to
> Apple. Please accept our condolences; we wish you well in the future
> and will gladly come calling if your services are ever needed again.
>
> Sincerely,
> The Backbone Cabal

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Sir,
}
}     Thank you for your communication of the 21st inst. My Master,
} the Oracle, has asked me to respond to your letter as he believes
} that dabbling in snailmail is somewhat beneath his dignity.
}
}     My Master would like me to inform you he is fully sympathetic to
} the fact that (and I quote) a shabbily-run Mickey Mouse outfit like
} yours will inevitably have to divest itself of some of its divisions
} from time to time to prevent the share price from plunging completely
} out of sight, and he looks forward to the opportunities offered by
} his move to Apple. He has even promised me my own Mac. This is so
} typical of my Master's boundless concern and generosity: he'd
} obviously noticed how wet I'd gotten coming in through the rain
} this morning.
}
}     To show that there's no hard feelings, my Master has even asked
} me to convey to you a glimpse of the near future, as a parting
} gesture of good faith:
}
} June 1997: Apple starts up a Radical New Ventures Division, headed
}     by my Master. This Division will initially concentrate on three
}     new product lines.
}
} October 1997: Apple launches the wholly revamped New Lisa Personal
}     Computer. There are riots by testosterone-crazed geeks outside
}     computer stores as stocks of the laptop model run out. Morality
}     groups are up in arms, and questions are asked in Congress.
}
} December 1997: The second product of Apple's Radical New Ventures
}     Division hits the high street: WebSmacker. This is an application
}     that sits on a person's PC and identifies the true sender of any
}     junk email, spam or flames. It then automatically contacts the
}     most muscular Oracular priest living near the sender, who goes
}     around to his house and breaks his kneecaps. Apple is named
}     Company of the Year.
}
} January 1998: An alliance is announced between Apple, Oracle (that's
}     not my Master, you understand), IBM, DEC, Hewlett-Packard, Netscape
}     Communications and Cindy Crawford Industries to produce the new
}     Ultra-Thin Client. This is a palmtop Network Computer which
}     connects the user directly to my Master who tells him everything
}     he needs to know or do. The value of Apple shares overtakes that
}     of Microsoft shares when newspapers reveal that Bill Gates spends
}     every night with his New Lisa. Steve Jobs is initiated into the
}     Oracular priesthood.
}
} March 1998: With the colossal revenues generated by the new product
}     lines, Apple goes on a take-over spree. Amongst the companies
}     bought are Unisys, Cisco, Adobe, AT&T, Rubbermaid and the Backbone
}     Cabal.
}
} April 1998: At his own request, my Master transfers from the Radical
}     New Ventures Division to head up the newly acquired Backbone Cabal.
}     One of his first actions as chief executive is to have his
}     predecessor strung up by his genitals.
}
}     Under the circumstances, my Master would like to add that, much
} as he appreciates the gesture, the golden parachute you so graciously
} offered him will not be required. He'll help himself to anything he
} needs next April. See you soon!
}
} Yours faithfully,
}
} Zadoc
} Oracular Priest


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