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Best of Internet Oracularities #901-925

Goto:
901-925, 919-07, 924-04, 905-02, 907-01, 924-06, 907-10, 908-09, 909-02, 913-02, 919-02, 922-08


Best of Internet Oracularities #901-925    (3.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 12 Jul 1997 09:08:10 -0500

Oracularities are the distilled wisdom and sagacity of the Internet
Oracle, as incarnated in its many anonymous e-mail participants.  This
collection has been compiled from the regular Oracularities postings #901
through #925 and contains the Oracularities rated by its readers
as among the funniest.

To find out more about the Internet Oracle, send mail to
oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line to receive
the Oracle helpfile.

The regular Oracularities postings can be found in the Usenet newsgroup
rec.humor.oracle.  Open discussion about the Internet Oracle occurs in
the newsgroup rec.humor.oracle.d.  If your site doesn't carry these
newsgroups, contact your news administrator about starting them, or
see the Oracle helpfile about subscribing to the Oracularities e-mail
distribution list.


919-07    (37jJD dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <DAVIS@wehi.edu.au>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> > > > > > > > > > > meow
> >
> > > > > > > > > > Meow!
> >
> > > > > > > > > me0w
> >
> > > > > > > > meow!!!
> >
> > > > > > > MEOW
> >
> > > > > > meow
> >
> > > > > Meow!!!
> >
> > > > m3ow !!!
> >
> > > Meow.
> >
> > meow
>
> Meow!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       The Question is:
}         What is sound of one cat falling down the stairs?
}
} You owe the Oracle a guest spot on Jeopardy.


924-04    (39loM dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why bill Gatel is gay ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I beg your pardon?  This doesn't sound quite right.  Things must have
} gotten mixed up in transmission--unreliable protocol, you know.  Let's
} see if we can straighten this out.
}
} (shuffle shuffle)     Will I, sly, get by a hag?
}
} No, that can't be it.  Let's try again.
}
} (shuffle shuffle)     Will a shy gila get by?
}
} Nope.
}
} (shuffle,shuffle)     Why bag Lily?--get Lisa.
}
} What?  What about Lisa?
}
}                       Yes, I will bag thy gal.
}
} You'll do no such thing!  Who are you?
}
}                       Lyle with baggy Lisa.
}
} All right, Lyle, let Lisa go and I won't hurt you.  And what do you
} mean, baggy?
}
}                       Baggy wet hilly Lisa.
}
} Well, hilly, okay, but . . .
}
}                       Leggy with sly labia.
}
} Look, Lyle, Lisa's privates are none of your business.  Now LET HER GO!
}
}                       Lye bath--Lisa wiggly.
}
} *Lye bath*?  What kind of monster are you?  Lisa!  LISA!!
}
}                       Bale thy wiggly Lisa.
}
} Do you have her tied up somewhere?  Is she all right?  I swear, Lyle,
} if you've hurt Lisa I'll ZOT you like I've never ZOTted anyone!
}
}                       Why, it's a li'l gag.  Bye.  L.
}
} A *gag*?  This is your idea of a joke?  You are really sick, Lyle, do
} you know that?  You owe me big time.  And don't worry, I'll collect.


905-02    (78nwJ dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: noe@platsol.com (Dr. Noe)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Moe,  I fear, will get in here.
> Ray,  His thug already tried.
> Me,   I fear, for myself.
> Far   Away I wish I was.
> Slow  I am to pay my debt.
> Lots  Of money do I owe.
> Thee, For help I humbly beg.
>
>       So how do I pay back Moe?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Numbers and rackets and kidnapping babies,
} Drug deals and fencing and pimping street ladies,
} Fleecing the fools with extragavant stings,
} These are a few of Moe's favourite things.
}
} Ray runs protection and takes a percentage,
} Takes a bit more and invests in fine vintage,
} Find his accounts and a nark who will sing,
} Take them to Moe and explain the whole thing.
}
} When he hears this; and checks Ray's books;
} And finds out it's truuuuue...
} Ray ends up swimming in big concrete boots,
} And Moe ends up OOOOOOwing you!
}
} You owe the Oracle an edition of "America's Most Wanted"
} exposing the Von Trapp Family.


907-01    (57hKw dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <DAVIS@wehi.edu.au>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What do you think about software licencing agreements?  Which is
> the best kind?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} NOTICE! THE ENCLOSED ANSWER(S) IS(ARE) PROVIDED SUBJECT TO THE TERMS OF
} THE ENCLOSED ORACLE ANSWERS, LTD. SOFTWARE LICENSE AGREEMENT. BY
} READING THIS(THESE) ANSWER(S) AND/OR FOLLOWING OR IGNORING ANY ADVICE
} GIVEN THEREIN, YOU THEREBY INDICATE THAT YOU HAVE READ AND AGREED TO
} THE TERMS OF THE AGREEMENT.
}
}            Oracle Answers, Ltd. Software License Agreement
}
} This document is an agreement between you, the "Supplicant", and Oracle
} Answers, Ltd. ("the Oracle"), as represented by the Oracle's current
} incarnation ("Incarnation"). IF YOU DO NOT AGREE TO THE TERMS OF THIS
} AGREEMENT (WHICH INCLUDE THE LICENSE, LIMITED WARRANTY, AND ANY
} ASSOCIATED PAYMENT TO BE MADE AT THE REQUEST OF THE ORACLE) PROMPTLY
} RETURN THIS ANSWER TO THE INCARNATION ALONG WITH A NOTARIZED STATEMENT
} CONFESSING THAT YOU REGRET EVER HAVING ASKED THE QUESTION AND THAT YOU
} NEVER LOOKED AT THE ANSWER AND THAT YOU CROSS YOUR HEART AND HOPE TO
} DIE IF YOU'RE LYING. Since I'm omniscient, I'll know if you're trying
} to put one over on me.
}
} I. Grant of License: Permitted Uses
}
} The Oracle hereby grants to Supplicant the right to read this message
} and its enclosed answer(s), if any. You may, in addition, make one (1)
} copy of the message for backup purposes only. You may make as many
} printouts of the message as you wish, providing that only one copy of
} the message is being read at a given time, and such reading is by you.
}
} The Oracle also grants to Supplicant the right to laugh at any alleged
} humor which may be found in the message. If your co-workers ask what's
} so funny, you must tell them that that's between you and the Oracle,
} and that you can't explain the joke due to licensing agreements.
}
} When the message is to be made available to multiple people at once,
} you must purchase additional licenses greater than or equal to the
} number of people who will be reading it. Information on obtaining
} additional licenses may be obtained by writing to the Oracle, and that
} information is also protected under this license, or an updated version
} of it at the Oracle's discretion. Since nobody actually reads these
} things, the Oracle reserves the right to require the Supplicant to eat
} a bowl of Toasted Mouse Doots, not to exceed ninety (90) grams, upon
} request. This clause may be enforced when and if you fail to make any
} payment requested in the answer, or at any other time when the Oracle
} needs a good laugh.
}
} This answer is owned by the Oracle and the Incarnation, and is
} protected under Copyright laws. You may not lease, rent, or sub-license
} this answer. You may not re-write the answer, or try to understand what
} the Supplicant must have been thinking. You may not deconstruct it in
} rec.humor.oracle.d until the humor value has been totally lost in
} another annoying cascade. You may not send it to rec.humor.funny
} without giving the Oracle credit. The Oracle hates that. You may not
} wonder why the Oracle didn't mention Bill Gates in the answer, since
} that would have seemed the obvious thing to do. You may not beg for the
} Incarnation to reveal his/her true identity. Most importantly, you
} can't send the answer back and ask "What?".
}
} This license is valid until terminated. Only the Oracle can terminate
} this license. The Oracle will terminate the Supplicant upon request.
}
} II. Limited Warranty.
}
} This warranty is extended only to the Supplicant. The Supplicant's
} heirs, successors, and assigns are out of luck.
}
} The Oracle warrants that (a) there may be one or more answers contained
} in this message, and (b) any answers found may contain some quantity of
} advice, humor, or references to Lisa. The answers, if any, may have
} missed the point entirely. This warranty extends only until ninety (90)
} seconds from the time you started reading this license agreement.
}
} THERE ARE NO OTHER WARRANTIES. This agreement is covered by the laws of
} Mount Olympus, and the Oracle is the sole arbiter of disputes
} concerning it. In no event will the Oracle or the Incarnation be liable
} for anything whatsoever.
}
} III. The Answer.
}
}   } I like them all, the bigger the better.
}   }
}   } You owe the Oracle an exclusive license for the entire GNU archive.


924-06    (37kDA dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: noe@platsol.com (Dr. Noe)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> why nobody speak italian ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well noticed!.  Actually nobody - not even the Italians - speak
} Original Italian these days.  The story goes like this.
}
} In the early days of the earth all men shared one language, the
} original one spoken by Adam and Eve and which they taught their
} children (Cain's first word was "Rock" rather than "Mama" which
} should have been a give-away).  It was the perfect human tongue;
} both concise and beautiful and when you spoke to God in it you got
} a straight answer rather than strange looks from passers-by.
}
} But as is recorded in the Book of Genesis the people of the earth
} got themselves into all sorts of trouble.  Their Tower of Babel
} project was cancelled, although the concept of a place where an
} entire population could be brought together for no useful purpose
} was to resurface later in schemes such as the "Restaurant of
} McDonalds" and "Theme-park of Disney".
}
} The outcome was that the Good Lord got everyone to stop what they
} were doing and made them choose a language of their own from a wide
} variety that He'd designed earlier.  (Omnipotence doesn't mean less
} work, just the chance to always be prepared).
}
} So all the soon-to-be nations queued up and made their choices.
}
} The Germans jumped in first and took what looked like the easiest
} language to learn as it only had a few words.  Unfortunately this
} meant that all the other words they needed had to be made-up by
} stringing those few together in ever-increasing length.  It turns
} out that the original German language was a notation left-over from
} God's design for DNA.
}
} The French snapped-up the language of poetry and romance, best suited
} for lovers to share their intimacies whilst locked in passionate
} embrace.  Their sting was a cuisine composed mainly of garlic and
} strong herbs.
}
} The English chose a tongue that lacked a lot of key words and resulted
} in a history of empire-building, trade and basic conquest in order to
} obtain nouns from everyone else.
}
} The Maya got an advanced version of HTML by accident - all those
} pictographs are really icon bit-maps.  Egyptian has a similar root
} which not only explains the pyramids but means that the accurate
} translation of the hieroglyphics "little-bird / hand / eye / ankh"
} is "Make Money Fast!".
}
} Others made seriously bad choices.  The Eskimos for instance
} discovered their language really does have all those words for snow.
} The only way they could hold sensible conversations was to abandon
} their Bermuda shorts and sun-block and head off up north.  Every Eskimo
} is a world-class surfer; they just haven't discovered it yet.
}
} And so on.  Until we get to the Italians.  Well, they were last, having
} been out for an extended lunch, then stopping off for ice-cream (just
} missing the Eskimos who otherwise would have had found something good
} to do with all that ice)
}
} By the time the Italians arrived at Babel, all the languages had been
} passed out and the other nations had wandered off in search of
} translators.  This left the Italians the only people on earth still
} speaking the original, perfect language of Adam.  Which by default was
} now called Italian.
}
} It didn't take the Good Lord long to spot what was going on.  The
} Italians were walking around communicating with each other perfectly.
} Left to themselves they would have rapidly developed a superlative
} culture and a science and technology that would have made them masters
} of the Earth for all time.  God certainly wasn't having that!  So He
} stepped in and confused their language big-time.  He'd been looking for
} a good home for the word "linguine" anyway.
}
} In the end the Italians didn't do too badly.  They kept enough of that
} original language to form Latin and get the Roman Empire started off.
} Of course, the Germanic folks eventually swept in from the west and
} stole it, but there was just enough left to help out with the
} Renaissance later on.
}
} The only Italian to ever work out the truth was Leonardo.  He reverse-
} engineered the Original Italian language one wet afternoon, but was
} wise enough to keep it to himself.  He wrote it up in a dictionary,
} spent an extra half-hour thinking up PGP in order to encode it, then
} invented the JPEG format to represent the resulting binary pattern as a
} picture he could paint.  The result? - the Mona Lisa of course.  Now
} you know what she's smiling about.
}
} You owe the Oracle the Mona Lisa, a scanner and Leonardo's PGP key.


907-10    (4cnsE dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <markm@brisbane.sgi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most wondrous Oracle, with impeccable taste in neckties, please
> answer the plea of this most lowly & unworthy of supplicants.
>
> My museum of chinese teak Buddhas has been besieged by vandals.
> Woodchucks, no less.
>
> They first gained entry by picking the locks on the windows, so
> I put wire grates up, too small for their fat, furry little bodies
> to pass through.  That worked for a while.
>
> Then, they had themselves shipped into the building via Federal
> Express.  So we put all packages through an x-ray machine, and
> we microwave the little miscreants when we find them.
>
> After that, they began entering through the bathrooms, coming
> up through the toilets like sewer-rats.  So we pour parafin oil
> in the bowls each night (it works for the afore-mentioned rats,
> after all).
>
> That worked for a week, despite the incident with that unfortunate
> security guard.  (He came into the john, sat down & lit a cigarette,
> then threw the match in, between his legs.  The resulting explosion
> blew him across the room & broke a leg;  he then suffered 4 cracked
> ribs when the paramedics asked what happened, and laughed so hard
> they dropped the stretcher down the staircase.)
>
> Now the slimy little suckers are using scuba gear, and the oil
> just isn't working.  The Buddhas are just about ate up, I'm afraid
> they'll move on to the Trojan Wooden Horse collection next.
>
> Please help us...what do we do now?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, I think your problem may go away after they finish off the
} Buddhas.  These woodchucks are obviously Hungary woodchucks (as
} demonstrated by their voracious eating habits), and Hungary woodchucks
} are exclusively Buddha Pests.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Deli Llama (which is another story in its own
} right).


908-09    (48owv dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If you are Sanjay write me:-}
> xxxxx@xxxx.xxxxx.ru.
>                                                  Tanya

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Aha! Trying to trap me in a paradox, eh? If I am not Sanjay, I
} should not reply. But I am the Oracle, so I must reply. But if
} I reply, then I am Sanjay and not the Oracle, so I need not have
} replied...
}
} Tish-poo, foolish supplicant! You should know better than to try
} and test my omniscience. I can figure my way out of *any* conundrum.
} In this case, it's childishly easy. Your exact word were "If you
} are Sanjay write me:-}" so all I have to do is not write "me:-}"
} and I'm off the hook.
}
} ...Except I just have. Dammit! Why'd I have to show off?
}
} Okay, what else can I do? I could pretend I *was* Sanjay. Nah,
} that's cheap. Anyway, I might have to prove it. Hmmm... time to
} call in a specialist in paradoxes, methinks. Where's that CD?
} Ah, here it is. Just put it in the drive, and...
}
}                   SAGES OF THE AGES <tm>
}             Interactive Wisdom Simulation Game
}
}               Copyright: Encarta 1996, 1997
}               ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
}
} You have selected Zeno of Elea. Please wait a moment while he is
} loaded............................................
}
} Zeno: The Parmenidean doctrine of the one, indivisible reality is
}    the only philosophically reasonable belief, since arguing in favor
}    of the alternative, that is, of many distinguishable qualities and
}    objects capable of relative motion, creates a host of impossible
}    situations. Achilles, traveling at twice the speed of the tortoise,
}    can never catch up because, each time that he has covered half the
}    distance between them, the tortoise has moved ahead by half *that*
}    distance. So long as time and distance are infinitely divisible,
}    Achilles never draws level, because at this stage the distance
}    between them would be zero, which is not half of anything.
}
} Oracle: So if I were to punch you in the throat now, you'd be
}    perfectly safe because my fist would never reach you? Shall we
}    try it?
}
} Zeno: I just make the postulates - I leave the empirical proof to
}    others.
}
} Oracle: Smart move.
}
} Zeno: Hi, Orrie. What can I do you for?
}
} Oracle: Resolve a paradox - right down your street. How do I respond
}    to this supplicant without being Sanjay?
}
} Zeno: Piece of cake. You reply "I'm not Sanjay and this message is
}    typed not written, so there. Nyah-nyah-de-nyah!"
}
} Oracle: Bit of a cop-out, don't you think?
}
} Zeno: Well, it was just off the top of my head, you know. What's
}    the ":-}" bit anyway?
}
} Oracle: It's a simpering smiley.
}
} Zeno: Oh, I thought it looked like a Parthian bow. I mean, "ru" is
}    Russia, isn't it? This Tanya could be one of those wild nomadic
}    warrior women from the boundless steppes of Hyperborea, the realm
}    that lies beyond the North Wind.
}
} Oracle: Get your hormones under control. Things have changed in Russia
}    since your day. Anyway, you're nothing but a simulation.
}
} Zeno: Drat! I keep forgetting that.
}
} Oracle: Keep your mind on the problem and off your gonads. What's
}    the solution?
}
} Zeno: Okay. First premise: there are no instructions as to what you
}    are to do if you are not Sanjay, right?
}
} Oracle: No, though presumably writing to her is out.
}
} Zeno: Second premise, then: there is nothing that obliges you to
}    either confirm or deny that you *are* Sanjay.
}
} Oracle: You mean, I can reply to a paradox with another paradox?
}
} Zeno: Why not?
}
} Oracle: Brilliant, Zeno! That's it! I owe you one, mate.
}
} Zeno: Well, how about a simulation of one of those wild nomadic
}    warrior women from...
}
} Oracle: Dream on. End program.
}
} <click>
}
} It's all so simple, really. I don't know why I didn't think of
} it myself.
}
} Dear Tanya,
} If I am Sanjay, do not read this:-b


909-02    (4aoqx dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson_Nesbit" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O well balanced Oracle, in touch with your inner feelings,
>
> How can I please my inner child?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Eat your toys.


913-02    (19wzy dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: noe@lccsd.sd.platsol.com (Dr. Noe)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, who could make *every* answer appear in the
> Oracularities, but apparently doesn't want to, please tell me...
>
> At the top of every Oracularity is a spiel about how to score the
> Oracularities.  Quite apart from the fact that mere mortals are
> actually *rating* your answers, what the heck does the first
> line *mean*?
>
> 906 106 vote 9jwzb 4eADd 5lAue axsob LBf70 2jnBp 4xDka azCh6 ckysc 4ovkr
> 906 3.0 mean  3.2   3.4   3.3   2.9   1.8   3.6   3.0   2.8   3.1   3.4
>
> At a wild guess the second is the average for each oracularity, but
> the first line is just line noise to me.  What does it all *mean*?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's the special "Oraclespeke" that the priests have to use to
} communicate with me.  (Why?  Because I can, that's why.)  Here's what
} they were trying to tell me this week:
}
} 9jwzb...9 jerks were zotted, boss.  [The priests have some authority to
}         zot people without having to get me involved.]
} 4eADd...4 e-mail addresses were added to the spam filter.
} 5lAue...The 5th line in this oracularity contained an unusual epithet.
} axsob...Please terminate the employment of a certain crying person.
}         [Or maybe this priest meant the other meaning of "sob."]
} LBf70...Los Angeles beat Florida 7-0.  [I have one priest assigned to
}         send me baseball scores.]
} 2jnBp...June 2nd is before Passover?
} 4xDka...This is the 4th time this supplicant has used "deka" instead of
}         "deci."
} azCh6...There's an attractive anchorwoman on Channel 6 in Arizona, so
}         swing the satellite dish in that direction.
} ckysc...Check your stun control.  [The zot staff has been acting up
}         again.]
} 4ovkr...I have 4's over kings, right?  [I've been teaching this priest
}         how to play draw poker.]
}
} By the way, your "wild guess" is incorrect...the numbers are an
} indication of how much of a priority I put on each one of these
} messages, with the lower numbers being a higher priority.  For example,
} I gave "LBf70" a high priority because I need to call my bookie about a
} few things; I gave "2jnBp" a low priority because the priest asked a
} stupid question which could have easily been cleared up by using a
} calendar.
}
} You owe the Oracle a translation of "A Tale of Two Cities" into
} Oraclespeke.  (I'll even get you started:  "8wBst, 8wWrs....")


919-02    (3cmDB dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, who is most clever and all that, knowing pretty much everything
> there is to know etc etc, generally speaking a bit of a brainy box, you
> know?
> Can you tell me just how much NASA have spent getting that thing to the
> planet Mars and just what do they expect to find there ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, you'll be pleased to know the answer is - not a cent of
} public money. The program is being funded in line with a new government
} policy to cut taxes, which is that funds are to raised through
} soul-bartering. It goes like this:
}
} Dan Goldin, NASA Administrator: Damn, it's going to cost a couple of
} mill to get this little toy buggy thing to Mars. I'd sell my soul for
} the space program!
} *puff of smoke*
} The Devil (looking like Ned Flanders): That can be arranged!
} Goldin: Satan? You'll give me the money?
} The Devil: Sure, sign this paper.
} Goldin: (reads, and signs) "To The Prince Of Darkness, in exchange for
} a space program, One Soul".
} The Devil: ... And here's the cash! See you in hell!
}
} Impressed with the efficiency of this plan, other levels of government
} have been joining in:
}
} Bill Clinton: Damn, those Republicans are going to eat me alive if I
} can't balance the budget. And the courts are going to roast me over
} that Paula chick. I'd sell my soul to be out of this mess!
} *puff of smoke*
} The Devil: That can be arranged!
} Clinton: Satan? Gee, thems pointy horns!
} The Devil: Sign on the dotted line.
} Clinton: (reads, then signs) "To The Prince of Darkness, in exchange
} for one balanced budget and one not so messy court case, My Soul"
} The Devil: Aha! This is fun! See you in hell!
}
} Other prominent leaders are trying it too:
} Bill Gates: Hey, I *could* be richer! I'd sell my soul for a total
} stranglehold on the world!
}
} *no puff of smoke. A sinister voice floats up through the floorboards:
} Doesn't work twice, Bill!
}
} You owe the Oracle ...  your heart and mind, supplicant. (evil laugh)


922-08    (2auvA dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: noe@platsol.com (Dr. Noe)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle!
>
> Who can checkmate YHWH in less than four moves...
>
> Who regularly has the lowest score when golfing with Moses and Jesus...
>
> Who could beat up Allah even if he DID try to bite off your ears...
>
> ... I've got a problem. A few hours ago, I met this gorgeous lady at a
> local club, and after several extremely exciting slow dances and some
> of the most interesting, funny, wonderful conversation I've ever had
> with ANYONE, she agreed to come back to my place.
>
> As I was getting some drinks, she put some slow, cool jazz on the
> stereo and said she had to run to the bathroom to "freshen up". I
> finished pouring the wine, and started back to the living room,
> thanking all the gods for my incredible luck. And that's when things
> went wrong...
>
> Normally, to get from my kitchen to my living room, I have to go west,
> then north. I was so blinded with lust, however, that I accidentally
> went west, then SOUTH! Next thing I know:
>
> I am in a maze of twisty little passages, all alike.
>
> I am carrying the following:
>
>         a lantern (lit)
>         two glasses of Cabernet Sauvignon
>         a wallet
>
> The wallet contains:
>
>         a five dollar bill
>         a three-year-old condom
>         a credit card (maxed out)
>
> How can I get out of here, and back to the girl of my dreams?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Well, you're in quite a fix.  I believe that the way out is:
} west, west, north, west, south, west, north, east--now you're in a
} larger room, with XYZZY spray-painted on the north wall.
}       Examine the south wall.  You'll find a very small button and a
} hole.  Don't bother pressing the button, it just dispenses Babel Fish,
} and you don't have time for that, because your lantern will go out
} soon, and then you're likely to be eaten by a grue.  Anyway, there's a
} seam in the wall, left of the button.  Use your credit card to pry open
} the secret door.
}       Go south through the secret door; you'll notice that it's less of
} a maze and more of a cave.  Soon your sword will begin to shimmer,
} glowing with a pale blue radiance--uh oh.  You don't have a sword.
} Well, when you meet the troll, give him the wine, and put the condom on
} your head like Howie Mandel.  This is just the sort of lowbrow
} entertainment that trolls love; it'll help if you can quack like Donald
} Duck, too. While the troll is giggling helplessly, tiptoe past him,
} through the narrow passageway.
}       Now go north, then east.  You should be back in your kitchen.
}       You owe the Oracle that five-dollar bill.


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