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Best of Internet Oracularities #951-975

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951-975, 957-03, 962-07, 967-05, 973-01, 954-06, 957-04, 960-07, 966-10, 968-04, 969-03


Best of Internet Oracularities #951-975    (3.8 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 2 Feb 1998 16:35:03 -0500

Oracularities are the distilled wisdom and sagacity of the Internet
Oracle, as incarnated in its many anonymous e-mail participants.  This
collection has been compiled from the regular Oracularities postings #951
through #975 and contains the Oracularities rated by its readers
as among the funniest.

To find out more about the Internet Oracle, send mail to
oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line to receive
the Oracle helpfile.

The regular Oracularities postings can be found in the Usenet newsgroup
rec.humor.oracle.  Open discussion about the Internet Oracle occurs in
the newsgroup rec.humor.oracle.d.  If your site doesn't carry these
newsgroups, contact your news administrator about starting them, or
see the Oracle helpfile about subscribing to the Oracularities e-mail
distribution list.


957-03    (38jvz dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What has it gots in its pocketses, my precioussssss?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It was a rainy afternoon in the City of Angels. I was sitting in my
} fifth-floor office, watching the grime on the window get smeared by
} the smog-saturated raindrops. I hadn't had a client in three weeks
} and I was broke. The rent hadn't been paid in two months and the
} landlord was getting snarly. I was, too.
}
} My feet were up on the desk and I had a lit Camel in one fist and
} a glass of Wild Turkey in the other. I may be broke, but it doesn't
} mean that I have to drink cheap bourbon. As I leaned back in my chair,
} I could see the gold letters on the frosted glass of my office door:
} "ROTAGITSEVNI ETAVIRP ,ELCARO TENRETNI".
}
} I was just thinking about packing it in for the day and seeing if I
} could interest Lisa in a couple of steaks -- her treat -- and some
} serious cuddling when the door opened. A small, thin, sallow-faced guy
} in a long, dirty, threadbare raincoat slunk into the office. He had
} shifty eyes. I casually swung my feet off my desk and sat up straight.
} Putting the drink down on the scarred wood, I allowed my hand to
} drift down and make sure that the .45 strapped to the kneewell was
} still in place, and still cocked. I didn't like the look of this guy.
}
} I liked it even less when he spoke. "Is it Sssssammmm Sssspade,
} my precioussss? No, it'sssss not! It'sssss the Oracle..."
}
} "That's right, Mac. The Internet Oracle. What can I do for you?"
}
} One thin, bony hand came out of the raincoat. His fingers had webbing.
} This was seriously weird. One long skeletal finger pointed at me.
}
} "I wantsssss it back, my preciousssssss..."
}
} "Lose something?"
}
} "I wantsssss it back..." he repeated.
}
} "Look, Bud, I can't help you unless you give me more information.
} What's missing?"
}
} "My preciousssssssss," he hissed. I would as soon as plugged this
} freak as soon as listened to any more silibants, but a gig was a gig.
} Besides, I was tired of corn flakes for dinner. So, I tried one
} more time.
}
} "Look, guy... what's your name?"
}
} He swallowed. Hard. Loud. It was going to be one of those clients.
} I tried another tack.
}
} "My fee is a sawbuck a day, plus expenses. *I* decide the expenses.
} A C-note down; you get your change back -- if there is any change --
} at the end of the case. Now, I'll ask again: What's missing?"
}
} "My precioussssss..."
}
} So, he wanted me to track dowm some broad who'd run out on him. Sure.
} Why not? Any dame in her right mind would run like hell from a wierdo
} like this guy.
}
} "Okay, Mac. Sure, I can find her. What does she look like?"
}
} "You're gold, aren't you, my precioussssss?"
}
} A blonde, eh? Yeah, I could see it, now.
}
} "Height?"
}
} "Sssssmall..."
}
} "Thin?"
}
} "Round...."
}
} A little dumpy broad? Why not?
}
} "When did you last see her?" I asked.
}
} Instead of answering, the little freak let out a loud, high-pitched
} wail.  I'd head that sound once before, on the beach at Iwo Jima, when
} my best friend caught a bullet in the belly. It's not a sound I like.
}
} Just then, the phone rang. The suddenness almost made me jump out of
} my skin. I snatched up the receiver, keeping one hand free to grab
} the .45 if the freak made a move while I was on the horn.
}
} "Oracle," I barked.
}
} "Orrie, it's Captain Gandalf."
}
} Great. My day was turning out just swell. Capt. Gandalf was a hard-nose
} cop out of Central Division.
}
} "Whadda ya want, Captain?"
}
} "We have a lead on a jewelry heist."
}
} "What's that to me?" The freak had stopped screaming and was watching
} me with eyes the color of oatmeal. Both hand were back in his pockets.
} I didn't like it. At all.
}
} "The gang has been hitting places all up and down the coast. Strange
} thing is, they're passing up all sorts of loot. They're picky: They
} only take one thing."
}
} "Yeah? What's that?"
}
} "Rings. Gold rings."
}
} "So? I'll ask again: What's that to me?"
}
} "We think they may contact you to try to find one ring, the one
} that'll complete the set."
}
} Gold. Small. Round. It was beginning to come together.
}
} "There a reward?" I asked, as casually as someone with a taste for
} fine bourbon and a Thunderbird budget can get away with.
}
} "Yeah. Five big ones."
}
} I whistled softly. "That's a lot of green. What's the description of
} the perps?"
}
} "Small, kinda fat. Here's the weird thing. They usually goes barefoot.
} Witnesses say that they've got hairy feet."
}
} "Hairy feet?" I could see the freak stiffen at that phrase.
}
} "That's all we got, Orrie. You get any guy like that come in and
} start talking about gold rings, gimme a call. We'll split the reward."
}
} Bastard. More like, split my skull and take all the reward.
}
} "Sure, Captain. I'll give you a call."
}
} I hung up. The freak hadn't moved, but he hadn't taken his hands out
} of his pockets, either. I leaned forward.
}
} "Look, Mac, I've got a proposition. You're looking for a ring. Now,
} *I'm* looking for a ring. Let's head down to Joe's and I'll buy you
} a cup of coffee. We'll talk it over. Maybe we can come to some sort
} of arrangement."
}
} The freak grinned. I tried not to shudder. This guy hadn't brushed
} his teeth since Roosevelt -- the first one -- was president.
}
} I grabbed my hat and held the door open for the freak. This was going
} to be an interesting evening after all. Lisa would just have to wait.
}
}
} You owe the Oracle a version of "Tales of Middle Earth" as written
} by Jane Smiley.


962-07    (37nDw dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Can you give me a sign?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}            _____________           _______________
}           |             |         |               |
}           | TRESPASSERS |         |  YOU OWE THE  |
}           |   WILL BE   |         | ORACLE A ROLL |
}           |   ZOTTED!   |         | OF RAZOR WIRE |
}           |_____________|         |_______________|
}                 | |                      | |
}                 | |                      | |
}                 |_|                      |_|


967-05    (48jzy dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise, who knows the proper address of every photon in the
> universe, please enlighten this, your most humble supplicant.
>
> Should I upgrade to Grovel 4.x?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Good lord, supplicant! Why waste your time with Grovel 4.x? I've
} installed Grovel 98beta and, I tell you son, it's great! Here,
} lemme show you. Zadoc! Hoi, ZADOC!
}
} [The Oracle waits expectantly, but nothing happens]
}
} Zadoc! Come here, you snivelling snotmonkey!
}
} [A brief pause; then the truculent figure of the Oracle's premier
} priest slouches into the Oracular chamber]
}
} ZADOC: No need to burst a blood vessel.
}
} ORACLE: Where were you, worm?
}
} ZADOC: I was busy, wasn't I? So whaddaya want that's so all-fired
}     important?
}
} ORACLE: I want you to demonstrate your Grovel 98beta implant for
}     the benefit of this supplicant.
}
} ZADOC: What, now?
}
} ORACLE: You got something more important planned?
}
} ZADOC: As a matter of fact...
}
} ORACLE: Stop wasting time! Just demonstrate the damn thing.
}
} ZADOC: If I must. Just don't expect clean woodchuck cages tonight,
}     is all I can say.
}
} [Zadoc the Priest stands rigidly to attention, and begins pulling
} a series of strange faces]
}
} ORACLE: What're you doing now, vermin?
}
} ZADOC: Have you any idea how much RAM that stupid program of yours
}     takes up? I have to disable most higher brain functions just
}     to load it.
}
} ORACLE: Will I notice a difference?
}
} ZADOC: Ha bloody ha.
}
} [Zadoc continues pulling facial expressions and twitching at the
} extremities. He then pokes his index finger into his left ear and
} makes soft whirring noises]
}
} ZADOC: Ready.
}
} ORACLE: Great - go outside and come back in when I call you.
}
} ZADOC: Blow this for a game of soldiers.
}
} [Exit Zadoc]
}
} ORACLE: Okay supplicant, now watch this - it'll knock you sideways!
}     Zadoc! Hoi, ZADOC!
}
} [Zadoc the Priest shuffles in on his hands and knees, bumping his
} forehead on the floor at regular intervals]
}
} ZADOC: You summoned me, oh knower of all there is to be known, seer
}     of all there is to be seen and fondler of all there is to be
}     fondled?
}
} ORACLE: I did. Tell me who I am.
}
} ZADOC: You are the sun that lights our sky by day and the stars
}     that guide our footsteps by night. You are the music that
}     enchants our ears and the succubus that makes our wet dreams
}     worth dreaming. Verily, you are he who knows the truth is
}     out there and amuses himself by keeping it hidden from Agent
}     Mulder.
}
} ORACLE: Isn't it great? Look, and you can select different modes of
}     grovel too. Do an Arabian Nights, Zadoc.
}
} ZADOC: Effendi, may the blessings of Allah and his Prophet rain down
}     like rose petals and lotus blossoms upon your resplendent visage!
}     Your knowledge, which is as boundless as the oceans - yea, may it
}     never be hidden from your faithful adherents, if Allah wills it -
}     your wisdom which, if it were written with a needle in the corner
}     of an eye, would cause considerable discomfort to even the most
}     enlightened, may it...
}
} ORACLE: Now a surreal one!
}
} ZADOC: O larsporsenian mantelpiece ornament, you are as orange as
}     a congeleen afro curled around the bony edges of a silver spoon
}     expressing its innermost desires for a lime-based detergent.
}     The tiny sounds of ancient bees resound forth from the forested
}     coercions between your toes. Were it not for the dizzy whiptail
}     ambivalence of your crumbling fleece, I could nev
}
} ORACLE: You could nev? What's that supposed to mean?
}
} [Zadoc stands frozen, a thin trickle of saliva appearing at the
} corner of his open mouth]
}
} ORACLE: Blast, he's crashed! Control - Alt - Delete, Zadoc!
}
} [No response]
}
} ORACLE: I forgot to tell you, supplicant - you may need to upgrade
}     your hardware. Actually, that's something I should have done
}     years ago with this rabble that serves me. Control - Alt -
}     Delete, Zadoc!
}
} [Still no response]
}
} ORACLE: It's no good - this is going to need a hard reboot. Lisa!
}     Fetch me an ice pick!


973-01    (51jFt dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do men like power tools so much?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, come on down to the workshop, and we'll see what we can come
} up with.
}
} The first thing on the workbench is a hand-held drill.  Turn it on,
} press it against the wood, and it penetrates deeply, leaving a tight,
} perfect hole.  Look at that!  Isn't it a beauty?
}
} Okay, moving on, we have a power hammer.  Put the nails in here,
} thrust it against the wood, and it drives the spike in, all the
} way, in one powerful stroke.  And you can do it over and over
} again, thrusting the nails in, one after another...
}
} Next we come to the power sander.  Hold the edge of the wood against
} it, like so, and...  see that nice, smooth curve?  Look at the way
} it fits into the hand, no sharp edges.  Mmmmm!
}
} Power screwdriver.  Look how easy it is to put the screws in.  And
} now back out again, with just as little effort.  In, out, in, out...
} I could keep this up all day!
}
} Scroll saw?  Look how easy it is to use.  It just goes up and down,
} up and down, violating the pristine, virgin wood and cleaving it
} right in twain.  Oh, yeah!  Take it all, baby!
}
} Errr...
}
} So as you can plainly see, the answer to your question is that a
} man enjoys power tools because they allow him to create useful and
} beautiful objects with a professional, well-crafted look.
}
} You owe the Oracle a cigarette.


954-06    (5aluy dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <DAVIS@wehi.edu.au>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, in looking through electronics catalogs, I find
> that you can buy zero ohm resistors.  What is the purpose of these
> devices?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} RESISTANCE IS FUTILE.


957-04    (38lCq dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> To: oracle@cs.indiana.edu (The Internet Oracle)
> From: iso@9001.com (Interdimensional Standards Oracle)
> Subject: Sol III (Earth)
>
> Dear Mr. I. Oracle,
>
> I have completed my appraisal of your work on the planet known as
> earth. My observations follow:
>
> 1. Organic life
> Good concept, but a bit sloppy. This will need some tidying up before I
> can grant you an ISO9001 certificate. Specifically:
> a) sex:   Once again, good concept, but a bit sloppy. Too much leakage,
>    and totally unbalanced drives between the genders: turn up the female
>    sex drive a few notches, tighten up the orifice seals and you're onto
>    a winner here.
> b) hair:  Nice idea, but a couple of bugs to iron out, namely: it tends
>    to fall out after a while, and grow back in the most unlikely places.
>    Toggle switches for each bodily area wouldn't go amiss.
> c) flatulence: This is totally unacceptable. Remove this feature at
>    once.
> d) intoxicating substances: a wonderfully innovative and remarkably
>    successful experiment. You might want to tone down the negative
>    effects of over-indulgence a bit, but an otherwise splendid effort.
>    Well done!
> e) duck-billed platypus: What the hell were you on? (see d)
> f) sentience: A radical idea, granting sentience (of a sort) to mortal
>    beings, but my colleagues and I are willing to await the outcome
>    before deciding to allow it in future biospheres.
> g) children: Install an off switch on all future models, or your
>    licence will be revoked.
> h) dinosaurs: A certificate cannot be granted until you have tidied up
>    after yourself.
> i) STD's: You really are an evil-minded bastard, aren't you?
> j) death: This is a bit final isn't it?
> k) giraffe: What the hell were you on? (see d)
>
> 2. Scenery
> Mostly excellent, but you left too many rocks lying around various
> places. It was a good idea to pile them up together in those mountain
> ranges, but you never finished the job. Also, the temperature
> variations are too extreme. Ice-cold at the poles and on mountain
> peaks, sure, but everywhere else should be nice and warm, but not too
> hot or humid, and no more of this seasonally adjusted temperatures
> nonsense.
>
> 3. Location
> Extremely isolated, and I mean BIG TIME! At first I thought this was a
> bit cruel to the sentient(ish) life forms on this planet, but then I
> realised it was a very wise precaution to keep them out of the way
> where they can't do any real harm. The anti-matter asteroid belt was a
> sensible back-up system.
>
> Conclusion:
> All in all, a good effort. A return inspection will be made in one
> aeon. If the above listed faults are not rectified by that time, the
> planet and your Oracular licence will both be revoked.
>
> Yours, Omnipotently
>
> The Interdimensional Standards Oracle

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear ISO,
}
} While I prefer not to argue with any standards body (indeed, ISO
} certification is quite important to a great many of my clients), I feel
} the need to point out a few areas in your reiew where you might have
} "missed the point" so to speak.  The varying items you noted are, for
} the most part, deliberate features that were put in quite deliberately.
}
} Item 1:  Organic life
}
} The so-called unbalanced sex drives are actually required in order to
} maintain karmic balance.  Further, by having the male sex drive higher
} than the female, the males are so busy thinking about sex that they
} don't notice that the women are really running the planet.  As far as
} the sealing system...what can I say.  The original design had an
} extremely solid sealant system, but the blowback pressure turned out to
} be (and how shall I say this delicately) damaging to the participants.
} It was felt by the Design Committee that allowing for some slight
} leakage would solve this problem. The procedure is fully documented
} (reference RFC#98832332323-1132, "How Tight is Too Tight?").  Hair is a
} side effect; we're working on the patch for this now; it should be gone
} by the next revision.  Flatulence was included by a former employee and
} will also be gone within 3 or 4 revisions; the problem of redesigning
} what is admittedly a poorly-thought-out energy extraction system is
} nontrivial.  Death, or (as we prefer to think of it here) "Automatic
} Termination Mode" is a limiting feature that was in the original
} proposal; please check your documentation.  As far as the giraffe and
} the platypus...well...these were put in primarily to give the limited
} intelligences of H. Sapiens something to wonder about.  They're not
} required any longer and a cleaner design might be to replace them with
} things such as Scientologists and Management Cosultants, which are
} within the design parameters.  Your input on this is appreciated.
}
} Item 2: Scenery
}
} I respectfully remind the ISO team that environmental regulations make
} it cost-prohibitive to move all the rocks to an approved disposal site,
} whereas leaving them in situ is an accepted industry-wide practice.
} And the temperatures were designed for variance to allow for what I
} admit is a personal preference for snowboarding and surfing.
} Additionally, we're using the site as a test platform for varying
} environmental condition as in the original specification.
}
} As always, we here at Internet Oracle are interested in working with
} ISO. Please don't hesitate to call me if you have any further
} questions.
}
} TIO


960-07    (8cjvI dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Forbes <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mmm.. monkey.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There's no wrong way, to eat a Rhesus.


966-10    (97ktA dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Og get message! Og told by Or-a-kle that Og get digested!
>
> Og not want be digested! Og father be digested by big lizard! Og father
> big pile of lizard poop! Og not want be digested! That hurt Og!
>
> How Og stop Or-a-kle Priests from digesting Og in future?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thag here.  Oracle say Thag prob'ly not mess up Og question too bad.
}
} Thag not see Og bash head with rock.  Thag not see Og throw dirt on
} head. Thag say, Og hit self with spiky club until eyes go black.  Thag
} answer Og question anyway.  Thag nice guy.  Thag feel bad for Og
} father.
}
} Thag present Top Many Way Og Not Get Digested.
}
} Many) Og grovel better.  Og not get zot, priests get bored.
} Many) Og ask stupid question, not funny.  This one easy.
} Many) Og send question "beavis".  Thag not know either, but it work.
} Many) Og get Aborigine On-Line account.
} Many) Og tell Oracle Og name "B1FF".
} Some) Og ask boring question.
} Some) Og go back, use Neanderthal spelling.
} Few) Og not make list.  Priests like lists.  Thag take big risk for Og
}      here.
} Two) Og stay far from box-with-pictures.  Priests geeks.  Like box-with-
}      pictures question.
}
} And number one way Og not get digested:
}
} One) Og ask Oracle woodchuck question.  Not get digested.  Get zot
}      though.
}
} Og owe Thag many giant lizard.  Thag like get digested.


968-04    (09jyo dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: David Bremner <bremner@cs.mcgill.ca>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> DearOralemostwisepleasetellme...
>
> Look, I'm sorry to rush this, but the IRS, BATF, IRS, CIA, INS, IMF and
> CFR agents (not to mention the black helicopters) are at my front door.
> What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                        ENTERTAINING FEDERAL AGENTS
}                           with MARTHA STEWART
}
} Hello, I'm Martha Stewart, welcome to my answer.  Our good friend The
} Internet Oracle is not able to answer your question right now, and so
} he has asked me to try to help.  Let's take a look at your situation,
} shall we?
}
} Entertaining large groups of Federal agents is always a bit of a
} challenge, especially when we're pressed for time.  Of course, it's
} always best to be prepared for visitors.  You should have a neatly
} trimmed and freshly painted entryway, with a large Welcome mat and
} perhaps some cut flowers.  A wooden rocking chair on the porch adds a
} homey touch of camouflage.
}
} When Federal agents are expected, I like to take a little time
} beforehand and knit a large Plywood Cozy for each window to catch some
} of the broken glass.  Don't forget to save the shards!  They can be
} dyed later and arranged into a stunning stained glass mosaic.
}
} For autumn, have plenty of hot mulled cider ready.  Not only is it
} healthy and aromatic, it's better than water for extinguishing fires!
} If your electricity is sabotaged, use your supply of flares in tasteful
} candle holders.
}
} Finally, don't be afraid to think creatively.  Although many people
} think of large-caliber bullets as merely a nuisance, they can be
} recovered and used as decorative accessories and paper weights, or
} hammered into distinctive buttons.  With a little brown paint, a smoke
} grenade can also be fashioned into a quaint pineapple arrangement!
}
} As always, remember to be courteous and kind, and just relax and be
} yourself.  It takes only a small extra effort to be remembered for your
} own unique style of entertaining.  Enjoy!
}
} You owe the Oracle a throw rug woven from yellow "Police Line" tape.


969-03    (26npm dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great and Mighty Oracle, whose intelligence is beyond measure, whose
> knowledge is boundless, whose wrath toward B*ll G*t*s knows know limit,
> who is our one and only hope to ever be rid of those damn w**dch*cks,
> whose feet a pathetic supplicant such as myself is unworthy to lick,
> whose ZOT-ing is always judicious and fair, who never makes the coffee
> too strong or too weak, who always knows whodunnit, whose actions
> are the very definition of moral correctness, whose very being is
> a presence to blind all who see him, who could solve the world's
> problems in the blink of an eye (except that the world would be so
> boring then), who is capable of understanding Frank Zappa but happens
> to have more discriminating taste, who could effortlessly tune Big
> Ben's one note that's a half step flat, who already knows who will
> win the 1998 World Cup in France and the 2002 World Cup in Japan,
> who surely had a good reason for letting the Twins decide to leave
> Minnesota, who always has a pleasant odor about him which would make
> any cologne manufacturer millions if s/he could only reproduce it,
> who can conjugate irregular Italian verbs in the subjunctive, who could
> crack a 2048-bit PGP key in his head and read the encoded message from
> the screen, whose pencils are never dull and whose pens never run out
> of ink, who can visualize an arbitrary number of spatial dimensions
> (to say nothing of moving through them without needing Dramamine),
> who is capable of articulating the elusive quantum nature of gravity,
> in short, truly the Most Funky Being in the Universe....
>
> ...please deign to answer a small question for this humble and
> pathetic supplicant, who is a worm beneath your feet, who has the
> mental capacities of a slug, the social graces of a rabid hyena, and
> the entertainment value of a withered petunia.  I am a bug in your
> code, a fly in your soup (as well as the annoying waiter who doesn't
> care), I am the gook between the keys of your keyboard, and the gunk
> that keeps your mouse from working correctly.  I am the mold on your
> week-old cheese, the carbonation gone out of your carbonated beverages.
> O Great One, I cannot debase myself enough in your presence.
>
> Please, O Oracle, answer me this question:
>
> When will... wait a minute, no, he already did.
>
> Ummm....Why does... no, that's not it either.
>
> Uhhhhh.... Where did I... no, I found that.  Hmmm.
>
> Darnit.  After all that grovelling, I can't remember the question.
> Oh, well, sorry to have wasted your time.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ooooh! *Nice* grovel! I mean, a really, really, *really* good grovel!
} In fact, you are the:
}
} *****WINNER OF THE ORACLE GROVEL PRIZE OF 1997!!!!!!!!!*****
}
} You, groveling supplicant, have won the Oracle Grovel Prize of 1997!
} You are awarded:
}
}         - $1,327,004.06 (in Swedish Kroners)
}         - a lifetime supply of Turle Wax ("wax all the turles you
}                 want!")
}         - the soul of any atheist you want!
}         - the entire profits of Micorsoft during 1998!
}         - a free website *!*!*AND*!*!* free e-mail for a year!
}         - the ability to *Zot* the SPAMMer of your choice (and what
}                 will you choose? The ***EARN MONEY FAST*** SPAM or the
}                 +++XXX HOT GIRLS WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU+++ SPAM?)
}         - the Complete Frank Zappa CD set! (Including "Billy the
}           Moutain"!)
}         - the new line of "Oracle!", the new cologne!
}         - the soul of Bill Gates ("Strech it! Pull it! Tie it into
}                 knots!")
}         - a PGP code that will drive the NSA crazy!
}         - a new brand of Dramamine that will make you really, really
}                 and I mean *really* stoned!
}         - the ability to drive all French people out of Paris during
}                 the New Year's celebration!
}         - the right to (*shudder*) ask the Oracle the w**dch*ck
}                 question WITHOUT BEING ZOTTED!
}         - two free pitchers of marguaritas in Cheyenne, Wyoming!
}         - a Springfield BM-59 7.62 NATO fully-automatic assualt rifle!
}         - a mouse de-gunger!
}         - and... a Tickle-Me-Funcy-Being Doll!!!!!!!!
}
} You, the supplicant-of-supplicants have won the Major Award!!!
}
} CONGRATULATIONS!
}
} Oh, and by the way, the answer to the question you forgot was:
}
}         "Yes... and no. The man of your dreams is a guy in the
}          Upper Peninsula of Michigan. Acutally, he dreams about
}          you often, too. In fact, last night he dreamt about you
}          for several hours. The only problem is... he's a moose.
}          But don't worry about that; that's a speciesist hang-up
}          you have. He's a *good* moose, a kind moose. He would be
}          a kind and loving husband. Also, he'd be a good kisser.
}          Trust me on this one."
}
} You owe the Oracle another really good grovel like that one. I *needed*
} a grovel like that one!


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