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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How long has Dan Quayle been a brainwashed Soviet zombie?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dan Quayle is NOT a brainwashed Soviet zombie. He is God's curse on the } U.S. for assorted naughtiness. }   Bush is the anti-christ. }   Gorbachev is actually a 3000 year old Australian vampire. }   Margaret Thatcher is a reptilian infiltrator from a parallel earth. } You owe the Oracle 30 copies of The National Enquirer. } The Oracle has spoken.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> For three days and nights, I've been trying to get rid of the error > message "sleep: Permission denied" on my screen. Please help me!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That message will persist until midterms are over. } Meanwhile, have plenty of jelly beans on hand.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the specific heat of a small child? (i.e.- What amount of heat > needs to be applied to raise to the boiling point?) What is a child's > vaporizing point?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You owe the Oracle your first two children.  Due to the special nature } of your question, the Oracle cannot answer until payment is made. } } And don't forget the jelly beans.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh ancient and wise Oracle, who's mind scans the universe, who knows all > that is unknown, who is on first name basis with most of the gods of > Asgard, >    What is the best brand/type of condom?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh seeker after wisdom, your question is indeed an upright one. } Upon receiving your query, the initiates of the oracle did begin } immediate investigation. The vestal virgins and acelibate priests } were called in, and did perform all acts of pleasure with many } and various brands/types of condoms. } } I, as The Oracle, did oversee this debauchery, and penetrated } deep into the depths of the issue. As with many questions, the } answer is complicated. } } You neglected to specify what you wanted to use these condoms } for, so I will do my best. } } For water balloon action, non-lubricated plain Trojans are the best. } Good, sturdy, work-horse latex tubes. } } For prevention of the transmission of sexually transmissible } diseases, "natural" lamb condoms are the worst. Condoms treated with } nonoxynol-9 and with a reservoir tip are best. } } For prevention of pregnancy, they are all rather similar, though } the reservoir tip does reduce the chance of breakage slightly. } } For pure pleasure, and a good job at the above, LifeStyles are } great. Take your pick from the different kinds. I like the Nuda, } but the others are also good for your coital needs. } } And remember, all acts of love and pleasure are my rituals. } } Hail Eris! Hail Inanna! Hail Yes!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the average radius of splatter from a person dropped one hundred > feet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Well, my child...  There is no simple answer to this question. }       It requires many years of study and much experimentation to }       arrive at an answer.  Naturally I have done so. } }       First a definition.  The splatter zone is defined to be a circle }       of radius R about the impact point such that 66% (by mass) }       of the, er, protoplasm is contained within the circle. } }       The size of the splatter zone is directly proportional to the }       volume and consistency of the goop contained in the human. }       Therefore, a person like Roseanne will have a considerable }       splatter zone - not to mention ground zero, while, say, Emmanuel }       Lewis' demise would be scarcely observable (but very enjoyable }       no doubt). } }       The splatter zone also depends on the altitude from which the }       object departs.  Thus, it is theoretically possible to have }       both Roseanne and Mr. Lewis generate identical splatter zones, }       but in practice Mr Lewis would burn up upon reentry. } }       You are encouraged to perform your own experiments.  I suggest }       that you start with fish (guppies, goldfish, salmon) and work }       your way up.  Always use live subjects, since dead ones tend }       not to thrash around so much on the way down, which can greatly }       reduce the interest of the observers.  The dropping of objects }       larger than Orson Welles is not recommended - the mess is just }       too big. } }       All that said, the splatter zone for the average adult human }       from a standard 12 story building is about 2 meters (with a }       large standard deviation).

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How did Man come into existance?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, you see, God forgot to use a condom... } } You owe the oracle three hickeys.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, >   I'm being followed by some strange creature that, when I turn to look > at it, zips behind me. I KNOW other people can see it, they just won't > admit it. I've tried to look in a mirror, but it's too clever for that. >   What is this thing and how can I make it go away?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's a troll.  Try leaving plenty of chocolate chip cookies around. } If that doesn't work, leave the country.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How does one justify the need to "seize the day" while also > desiring to "prepare for tomorrow".  You see, I could get > hit by a bus tomorrow-- in which case I shouldn't have bothered > to study this evening.  On the other hand, if I don't die and I > fail my exam tomorrow, I may end up driving the bus.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You sound as if studying for your test is not 'seizing the day'.  The } true meaning of seizing the day is the maximum realization of your } potential, right now.  If you go out and play hacky-sack or frisbee or } whatever it is you would rather be doing instead of studying, this is } seizing the day, but in a much lesser degree since the degree of self } improvement is much less.  The effects of relaxation of transitory, and } your increase in skill level will probably be minute.  On the other } hand, studying for your test is an attempt by you to become one with the } topic, and in doing this, you will have already taken the test and } passed.  Since the bus hitting you was pre-ordained, you will have } milked the most out of life by acquiring knowledge.  The oracle has } spoken. } } You now owe the oracle 1 grasshopper and 1 oreo cookie.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If a small furry puppy dog exploded on the south pole, would people > still say that the cute lovable creature had blown "up"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Since such an experiment would most likely be carried out under the } aegis of the US military-industrial complex, I doubt that anyone capable } of recognizing the cuteness or lovability of the pup would ever be in a } position to comment.  Observers might report that the bio-unit } participated in an irreversible phase-change.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where do I find the perfect woman?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1) You may find the perfect woman in Hank's Diner, 171 West Main St., }    Gronghammer, Maryland.  Better hurry, though.  She'll only be there }    another hour or so. } } 2) You asked the wrong question, though.  You really wanted to find the }    woman who is best for you.  Her name is "Toluemeia Gnelfru }    Pasawattawa," and she can be found on the lost continent of Atlantis }    pretty much any time you look after 8405 BC, in time stasis, in a }    green glass tube. } } You owe the oracle your firstborn child.