Goto:

1000, 1000-01, 1000-02, 1000-03, 1000-04, 1000-05, 1000-06, 1000-07, 1000-08, 1000-09, 1000-10

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      What will happen when the Ocularities digest's reach 1000? >      Will they: >         a) go back to zero? >         b) stop working altogether? >         c) fall over and take the Internet with them? >         d) unleash the Oracle virus that will ZOT anything that moves? > >      or are they 1000 compliant?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, good supplicant, finally someone has pondered this soon-to-arrive } problem.  Of course, it's not far too late to do anything about it. } Those Oracle priests who have prepared for the past several years will } suffer little in the cataclysm ahead.  Those who are just now looking } at the problem will quickly find that it is too late - there is not } enough time, money, or staff available to assist them. } } What will this mean for the digest?  Well even for me, the all-knowing } Oracle, that is difficult to determine.  But my prediction as based on } the current state of things is that they will manage to turn over to } number 1000, but not before causing widespread mayhem. } } Unfortunately, none of your choices even approximate the devastation } that shall be wrought.  Nay, there shall be mass death and destruction } o'er the planet!  Rivers shall turn to blood, seas shall boil, and } other nasty environmental events shall occur...mind you, these are } caused much more by long-term pollution going back at least a hundred } years than by the digest 1000 (otherwise known as the D1K (pronounced } "dick")) problem...but we at the Oracle are willing to jump on } bandwagons and claim everyone's problems as our own. } } What will be directly caused by the D1K problem is an electronic } disaster of incredible proportions.  The web will crawl even slower } than it does now because of that extra digit taking up all the } bandwidth.  The spectacle will draw more readers, thus increasing the } problem in an unending feedback loop that shall eventually bring } civilization to its knees as nobody ever does any work anymore because } they simply must ask the Oracle every damned question they can think } of! } } You owe the Oracle a COBOL programmer and a case of Jolt cola.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do I **** you?  Let me count the ways.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, you could bribe me with $$$$, or bake me a delicious #### } cake, or give me a 24-^^^^ ring.  Feed me bran muffins to reduce } the chances of :::: cancer. } } Flatter me - tell me I have no ====. Make yourself more } beautiful by wearing {{}} until your teeth are straight. Promise } me you'll be true ~~~~ end of time.  Never ???? me about } my past. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of Bartlett's Familiar """".

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, thou whose blue suede shoes are bluer than anyone else's, > thou who is the most honored guest ever to stay at Heartbreak Hotel. > Thou who can swing thy hips rythmiically enough to cause a major > earthquake, please hear my questions. > > Oracle, can you tell me exactly where Elvis Presley is now, and what > he's doing?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Good supplicant, hear the Oracle's answer as 'tis bestowed upon your } pompadoured head... } } At this precise moment in time (4:13 pm, EST, March 20, 1998), the soul } of Elvis Presely is chewing his third bite of a chili-cheeseburger in } the afterlife.  Still chewing...still chewing...ah, there, he's } swallowed. } } Oh, it looks like he's standing up now to entertain a collection of } angels in poodle skirts that have gathered around him. } } *Elvis sings...* } } Well it's one for the money } Two for the rings } Now everybody listen } While Elvis sings } } Don't you step on my fluffy wings } You can do anything } But lay offa my fluffy wings } } You can steal my burger } Eat my 'taters } Go ahead and smack them impersonators } Do it all, do anything } But uh-uh honey lay off of them wings! } } Yeah don't you step on my fluffy wings } You can do what you like } But stay offa my fluffy wings } } See I'm in heaven } It's true, I'm dead } I can't believe who my daughter wed! } That Michael Jackson ain't no King! } He'd better stay away from my angel wings! } } *Elvis stops singing, the teenage angels applaud and scream wildly.* } } That's pretty much what he's up to. } } You owe the Oracle a teddy bear and a hound dog.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh oracle, whose mere presence is more powerful than a pan-galactic > gargle blaster, whose mind is more infinite than the universe, who > knows all the bugs in Windows 95 and how to fix them... > Tell me, why are people driving worse every day? People now regularly > run red lights, slow down instead of speeding up as they merge, and go > slow in the fast lane. Also, could you perhaps lend me your zot staff > for the morning commute?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What!?  Hold on. [screech]  Where's the cigarette lighter plug for my } handheld PC? And why don't I ever have paper in this fax/printer?  All } right, let's see, my mere presence is more powerful -- [honk] Hey, same } to you, jerk! -- yada yada, inifinite mind, Windows 95 bugs, oh } *that's* original -- [squeal] Nice signal, moron! -- Hold on, my cell } phone's ringing ... Hello!  Oh, hi, baby!  Yeah, me too ...  you're } wearing it now?  You bad girl ... Yeah -- [honk honk honk] Hey, up } yours, idiot! -- Hello?  Lisa? Baby?  Oh, great!  -- [thump] Oh, man, } there goes my LCD again -- Why are people driving worse every day? } People run red lights ... blah blah blah -- [screech] Come on, granny, } move it! -- Look kid, I can't talk right now.  Me and thirteen million } other people on this freeway have a lot of work to do ... You want } what??  The Staff of Zot?  Why, you little -- [honk] Jerk! -- hey, you } know, that's a great idea!  [zot zot zot zot zot] ... [silence] Ahhhh, } much better! } } The Oracle owes you a small favor, so although I won't lend you the } Staff of Zot, I'll let you follow me in to work.  Just don't tailgate } me.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oh oracle who is really smart and all that crap, > > why  did i have blood in my stool today? > > yours truly, > > red in clarksville > > _____________________________________________________________________ > You don't need to buy Internet access to use free Internet e-mail. > Get completely free e-mail from Juno at http://www.juno.com > Or call Juno at (800) 654-JUNO [654-5866]

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, supplicant, the problem is that the Juno system is beginning to } be overloaded. The founders never expected it to be as popular as it } was, and frankly, their servers are just no longer up to snuff. The } problem is, of course, that since Juno is free, they don't have enough } money to upgrade the servers. So the decision was made to kill off } enough of their client base to bring performance back up to acceptable } levels. To accomplish this, the Juno software now drives the monitor } display in such a way as to create radiation that induces internal } hemorrahaging in 43% of the population. } } Luckily, to fix this problem, you don't even need to give up email. All } you need to do is completely wrap up your monitor in tin foil. Make } especially sure you cover all the vents, since this is where the } radioactive air is escaping from. } } You owe the Oracle an Excuse Calendar and your username } <clickety-click>.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> P-K4

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You cross two small brooks, and find yourself in the middle of a } landscape composed of regularly-spaced square fields in which various } wierd and fabulous creatures are going about their daily business, } which appears to consist mainly of maneuvering for position before } engaging in brief but invariably fatal conflict. You yourself are soon } ridden down by a dark-emblazoned rider, however, your companion in the } adjacent meadow survives to inspire one of those books originally } written for children which are read mainly by adults. } } You owe the Oracle an explanation of the Sicilian Defense that doesn't } mention the Mafia.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh magical, mystical Oracle with the low-fat filling and passenger-side > airbags, please answer my query: > > I've managed to create a donut that, rather than being toroidal, > is instead in the form of a Klein Bottle. Unluckily, now the donut > has no outside, and so I can't eat it! What do I do now?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh very well. } Simply place your lips to the trumpet-like opening of the Klein-donut } (I am assuming the standard immersion), and suck. You will be drawn } "into" the Klein-donut, becoming fully contained within its boundaries. } Now, simply twist your lips into a mobius strip, sucking yourself } through the strip and back "outside" the donut. } } If you have done this correctly you should be back in your own } universe, with the Klein-donut fully immersed with-in you. } } This may of course result in you becoming your own universe, and } having to put up with occasional dimension travelers occasionally } turning up in your digestive tract and attempting to make psionic } contact with your breakfast. However, this never did me any harm. } } You owe the Oracle a figure-eight immersion cinnamon swirl.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How about Floyd?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, the Oracle can also tell you about Floyd, whose full name was } "Pretty Boy Floyd Bennet Field". Although he is best-known as the } inventor of Floydian Analysis, which attempted to explain all } spectral phenomena as the result of an election between the Lid, the } Lego(tm) and the Elector Set(tm), in fact he made several } little-known constipations to sobriety each of which is now beamed } more importful than his discredible system of renalysis which is now } understooped as single plagiarism from the wholly trilogy of thesis, } antiphony and sin. At noon tomorrow. } } It is certainly unjust to his memory that few now recall the Cult } Floyd case, which freed the staves of baseball and made it possible } for a .200 spitter to urn millions of crullers per game. Few dispute } the futility of his Fnord Ploy, by witch pyrographical errors } present almost all readers from breaching the end of a long } paragraph, making it plausible to hide vital information in plane } site. In front of the coffee shop. } } Some have recognized his grateness, for sample Beet Oven with his } "Floyd has shown us" sinfully, Cab Cassowary with his "Floy Floyd" } song, and Admiral Doughnuts with his demand "Sink Floyd" (that later } became the name of a baroque group). Bring the money. } } You owe the Oracle all your money. } Your sanity will be returned when you pay.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most technological, please deign to answer this unworthy > supplicant's stupid question... > > How do I make that (&*@#%^ "12:00" stop flashing on my VCR, short of > pulling the plug?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Continually blink your eyes in rhythm to the clock.  The clock will } either then turn off or steadily display "12:00," but your VCR's } operation will remain unaffected. } } You owe the Oracle a DVD player.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> WARNING > WARNING >     EMERGENCY EMERGENCY EMERGENCY > > WARNING > WARNING >     AH-OOOOGA AH-OOOOGA AH-OOOOGA > > EVACUATE NOW. > REMAIN CALM. > EVACUATE. > NOW.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Eventually the panicked screams and pained moans of the mindlessly } fleeing crowds dissipate, and shortly thereafter, the blaring klaxons } die away. Silence fills the halls of The Temple of the Oracle in } Indiana University. The silence is only broken when a voice is heard to } ask, "Is he gone yet?" } } The door to a broom closet slowly cracks open, and, after a pause, out } steps an Oracular Priest. He looks around furtively, and then } straightens. Turning back to the broom closet, he announces, "It's all } right. The coast is clear." } } From the darkness, the first voice is heard: "What?" } } The Priest sighs, and hauls another Priest out of the back of the } closet, wrenching her earplugs out at the same time. "I said, the coast } is clear." } } "Good." } } "You know, there *has* to be a better way to get an afternoon off." } } "If that's all you're going to worr about, sugarbumps, then maybe we } should just get back to work...." } } "Uhm. Nevermind." } -- } You owe the Oracle a more dedicated priesthood.